ARTIFICIAL

A Play

by

Grace Piper

Copyright © 2016,

By Grace Piper

1135 W Wood Street Apt 1011

Decatur, IL 62522

Phone: (760)799-7137

Email: grace.b.piper@gmail.com

Cast of Characters

Celeste: A woman, 30 years old. She lays on the

couch, not speaking, for the entirety

of the play.

Mary: A woman, 30 years old. The “Angel” of

Celeste’s conscience. The type of

woman you would see on a Covergirl ad.

Eve: A woman, 30 years old. The “Devil”

of Celeste’s conscience. The type of

woman who wears red lipstick and never

smudges any on her wine glass.

God: A man in his late 40’s. Reminds you of

the creepy guy who would go to high

school girls volleyball games.

The Devil: A man in his late 40’s. Perpetually

sweaty. Like a guy who works at a deli.

Scene

A penthouse apartment overlooking a city. Lots of lights

and life surround the building.

Time

The present.

1

ACT I

SETTING: A living room of a penthouse

apartment. Modern – definitely

kind of expensive. Overlooking the

city. It’s a nice view, full of

the lights and life typical of a

bustling city.

AT RISE: CELESTE lays upside down on the

couch, eyes closed. She’s

sleeping. MARY stands behind the

couch, wearing a white skirt suit

and matching heels, looking over

CELESTE, smug. EVE enters, wearing

a red pantsuit and matching heels.

She also looks smug.

MARY

Oh no. Eve, go. You cannot be here.

EVE

If you can be here, so can I. I just came up to check in with

our girl.

MARY

You never just “check in”. If you’re here, you always have some

agenda. Back off. She’s resting.

EVE

Resting? Don’t be coy, Mary, it’s not as cute as you think it

is.

MARY

You seem to think it’s pretty cute when you do it.

EVE

Play nice, I’m your other half.

MARY

You’re Celeste’s other half. Combined, we’re her conscience.

Alone, we’re still her conscience. We don’t need to do

everything together.

EVE

2

Oh but this we should do together. I got word from the man

downstairs. The sperm found an egg.

(beat)

MARY

So you heard.

EVE

Pregnant out of wedlock! Big win for the red team.

MARY

It’s artificial. There’s a loophole.

EVE

Didn’t know your boss was big on loopholes.

MARY

Sign of the times. We had to loosen up.

EVE

Artificial or not, the sperm that got her pregnant was Pete’s.

MARY

She and Pete were practically engaged-

EVE

She and Pete were broken up. And she stole his sperm.

MARY

No she did not. He gave her legal access to the sperm bank. Just

because he meant to revoke it doesn’t mean he did. It’s not

her fault he forgot. She legally took Pete’s sperm.

EVE

We aren’t lawyers. We’re the little people on her shoulder.

Where laws have loopholes, morals don’t. Stolen sperm is

stolen sperm.

MARY

It’s not about the sperm anymore. Now it’s a baby. Baby trumps

everything. At the end of the day, she’s fulfilling her

purpose as a woman: procreation.

EVE

By inseminating herself with stolen sperm!

3

MARY

Still procreation. It’s the thought that counts.

EVE

Her thought is that if she had a baby, he would marry her.

That’s manipulative and fucked up.

MARY

Even if it’s fucked up, a baby makes the ends justify the means.

EVE

Oh my god.

(a pointed look from MARY)

Gosh.

MARY

Look, you know as well as I do that it’s not up to us. It’s up

to them.

(she points up and down at the same time)

(EVE takes out what looks like a cell phone and

checks it. Nothing)

EVE

I haven’t gotten a verdict yet, have you?

MARY

(checks her “cell phone”)

Nothing.

EVE

They’re usually quicker than this.

MARY

It’s probably nothing.

EVE

They never take this long. In fact, I’ve never seen this thing

silent for more than a couple minutes. Something’s up. Every

time they’ve delivered a verdict before, it’s been within

seconds. This system is painstakingly straightforward. And now

dead air?

4

(their “phones” go off with simultaneous pings)

MARY

Ta-dah. No more dead air. A verdict. I told you.

(they look at their phones)

EVE

Holy shit. They’re coming to us.

(a tense beat, then EVE lounges on the couch on one

side of CELESTE)

Aren’t you gonna sit?

MARY

You’re pretty relaxed considering the circumstances. They’ve

never come to us.

EVE

Maybe they’re bluffing.

MARY

They don’t bluff.

EVE

Have you ever met…

(she points up)

Him?

MARY

Nope. I got up there and everything was waiting for me, no one

in sight. Have you ever met…

(she points down)

Him?

EVE

Once. It was right after I died. Overdose. I felt like I was

just waking up at home, but when I opened my eyes I was standing

in that long line, and when I got to the front they gave me the

whole shpiel – I was a shitty person in life, so in death I have

to serve as the devil on this girl’s shoulder. Before I could

ask more questions they pushed me into this room that must’ve

been like 200 degrees. And he looked like just a normal guy. He

handed me two boxes – one had this ridiculous suit, and one with

5

these heels. Told me to put them on with some lipstick and a

smile. That was that.

MARY

That’s creepy.

DEVIL

Oh, please. I bet heaven and God are just as spooky as hell and

the devil.

MARY

No way. Our bosses…they’re different. They have different

morals.

EVE

Morals shmorals. They get off on power.

MARY

No, God “gets off” on what’s right. He’s not spooky, he’s

radiant. Or so I’ve heard.

EVE

This system is built on pitting people against each other,

especially women like us.

MARY

We’re pit against each other because we’re on different sides.

I’m heaven. You’re hell.

EVE

There’s a special place where I’m from for women who don’t help

other women.

MARY

Don’t make this some sexist thing.

EVE

I didn’t do that. They did.

(she points up and down at the same time)

Look at these outfits. Why do we have to be in pointy-toed

heels? With our hair perfectly done and a full face of makeup?

It doesn’t change our ability to do the job.

MARY

6

They made us in their image.

EVE

They made us in their fantasies.

MARY

Women in heels bickering is no man’s fantasy, least of all

God’s.

EVE

Women in heels period is God’s fantasy. That’s why he created

them. Why he gave you a pair when you got to heaven.

MARY

The devil created heels.

EVE

It was a team effort.

MARY

They don’t work together. There are sides. It’s not about women

vs women, or men vs women. It’s heaven vs hell, good vs evil.

EVE

The world isn’t black and white.

MARY

Yes it is!

EVE

If the world were black and white, we’d have a verdict on this

stunt already. This is what someone might call a gray area.

MARY

Bad people claim gray areas to make themselves sound complex.

You’re treating yourself like a victim of morals because you

chose the wrong ones. Just because you chose the wrong side

doesn’t mean there are no sides. Morals aren’t debatable.

EVE

Then what are we doing right now? Debating morals.

MARY

It doesn’t matter what we say. They make the decisions. Just

because we aren’t smart enough to understand –

7

EVE

You really think they’re so much smarter than us? They’ve really

got you in the palm of their hands.

MARY

When you became a conscience, did you tell them you have all

these hang ups about morals? This doesn’t seem like the right

line of work for you.

EVE

I wasn’t really thinking about if it would be a good fit. I was

kind of preoccupied with the fact that I had just died and went

to hell.

MARY

You think you’re smarter than me, don’t you?

EVE

No, you’re way smarter. You’re playing dumb, that’s a genius

move. You’re playing the game.

MARY

So play the game. Or quit.

EVE

They don’t even let me take off these shoes. I highly doubt

they’ll let me quit.

(their “phones” ping again)

MARY

Looks like now would be a good time to find out.

(the ladies stand at attention as GOD and THE DEVIL

enter from their respective sides.)

Wait, are you…

GOD

God.

THE DEVIL

The Devil.

MARY

You’re not what I expected.

8

THE DEVIL

Our job isn’t easy like yours. So excuse me if looks aren’t our

number one priorities.

GOD

Given the messy nature of this case, we came to make a verdict

in person. We’ve decided to terminate the pregnancy.

THE DEVIL

Effective immediately, no more baby.

(GOD and THE DEVIL snap their fingers. CELESTE

briefly convulses, then goes back to sleep)

EVE

You could’ve done that from your office. Why come here?

THE DEVIL

You two have been very talkative today. You’re not supposed to

talk this much. You’re hardly supposed to interact.

GOD

Either one of you could’ve terminated the pregnancy. So why did

we have to do it?

EVE

Terminating the pregnancy gets rid of the stolen sperm. No

stolen sperm, no bad moral decision.

MARY

Terminating the pregnancy means no baby. No procreation. The

baby is Celeste’s best chance to become a child of God.

EVE

It’s complex. Which is why we were discussing it while waiting

for your verdict.

GOD

So don’t discuss it. No baby, no issue.

EVE

If it’s that simple, what took your decision so long?

THE DEVIL

We needed to decide how to deal with you two suddenly getting

chatty.

9

EVE

I have an idea for how to deal with that. I quit.

THE DEVIL

You quit?

EVE

Is that possible? What happens if I quit? If we quit? I just

want to know our options.

MARY

Your options.

GOD

If you two quit, you’re on your own.

THE DEVIL

Meaning: No God and no Devil to give you your verdicts. You work

it out amongst yourselves.

GOD

Celeste ceases to believe in heaven or hell or any higher power.

THE DEVIL

And you’re left to pick up the mess. And if today’s hijinks are

any indication, that won’t go well.

EVE

(to MARY)

Quit with me.

MARY

I can’t do that. Without God, what does Celeste have to live

for?

EVE

I don’t know. She’ll find something. Morals. Thoughts. Us,

maybe. Something better than these guys.

GOD

Without us, she won’t know what’s right and wrong. You two can’t

decide that alone.

THE DEVIL

10

You couldn’t handle it.

EVE

For Celeste, we have to try. Of course it won’t be easy. But at

least we can feel like more than a high-heeled fantasy. We can

take control.

THE DEVIL

I would love to see you try.

MARY

Then watch.

EVE

I quit.

(THE DEVIL vanishes with a pop in a cloud of smoke)

GOD

(to MARY)

Come on, sweetie. You’re better than her. Smarter. The heels,

they look good on you.

ANGEL

Oh, I like the heels. Those I’ll be keeping. But not for you.

For me. I quit.

(GOD vanishes with a pop in a cloud of smoke)

(a beat. The women look at each other, exhausted,

exhilarated.)

Holy shit. That felt good.

EVE

Hell yeah it did.

ANGEL

What now?

EVE

I’ll tell you what. I’m taking off these damn shoes.

(EVE kicks off her shoes and lounges next to

CELESTE. MARY sits on the armrest on the other side

of the couch. They smile at each other over CELESTE,

who is still sleeping peacefully. Blackout.)

11

(END OF PLAY)