: getting thru’ to the ones we love. not always so easy
TRANSCRIPT
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:
Getting Thru’ to the Ones We
Love
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Not always so easy
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Things get in the way
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Bad habits and lack of skill
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Communication Danger Signs
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Other things that get in the way
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Filters Filters
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Filters develop because of what we believe, how we feel, what
we’ve experienced and how we grew up
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A speaker’s filters can cause the speaker to put a particular spin
on what they are telling the listener
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A listener’s filters make the listener hear something different than what the
speaker said
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Six Main Filters
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Fear of Getting
Hurt
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Different Communication Styles
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Mismatched Memories
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Pay Attention to Your Filters
• Make sure you have your partners’ full attention
• Ask your partner if they are ready to talk• If a filter kicks in, tell your partner
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• Try hard not to mind-read or assume the worst
• Remember your differences in style
• Discuss things gently and with care
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Be respectful
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Important ingredients
for good communication
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Empathic Listening
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I want to hear what you’re saying because I know it is important to you
and I value our relationship
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Keys for Empathic Listening
• Affirm your spouse, even when you disagree with his or her ideas• Share your own ideas only when your
spouse feels understood
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requires emotional strength
Listening…
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Anything else?
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Safety
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When feeling unsafe, people may respond defensively
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We won’t say what we are
really thinking and often feel disconnected and
alone
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What do we usually do when
we feel misunderstood or not listened to?
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• Raise our voices
• Repeat ourselves over and over
• Argue and attack
• Stop speaking and give up
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Can’t Really Listen
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What can we do?
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1. Argue Naked!
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2. Make it safe to talk
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3. Talk without fighting
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Speaker / Listener Method
• A structured way to communicate safely and clearly when you really need to do it well.
• Not meant to be used all the time!
• It counteracts all of the negatives.
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“The Speaker has The Floor.”
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Rules for the Speaker
• Speak for yourself
• Make it brief
• Stop to let the listener paraphrase
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Rules for the Listener
• Paraphrase what you hear
• Focus on the speaker’s message
• No rebuttals!
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Rules for Both
• Speaker has the floor
• Speaker keeps the floorwhile listener paraphrases
• Share the floor
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The Goal
• is not agreement
• is not to solve the problem (yet)
• is for each partner to feel heard and understood by the other
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80%
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Problem Solving Model
Problem Discussion First
Problem Solution
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Everyone just wants to be understood!
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It what ways might it be helpful to show the speaker that you really
heard them?
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They won’t need to increase their intensity or repeat the message
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They can clarify their thinking
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They feel empowered and moreable to move on to problem solving
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They might be more receptive to listening to you
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Review
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Rules for Listener
1. Focus on facts and feelings2. Paraphrase the message back: Ask, “Did I get it right?”3. No reactions allowed4. Ask, “Is there more?”
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Rules for Speaker
1. Speak for yourself Use “I” statements2. Pause often3. Affirm the Listener “That’s right,” or gently correct them4. Speak a part of the message, then switch
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Time to Practice
Practice with a low conflict topic:
dream vacation extra $500 favorite age as a child dream job what makes a good friend
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How DidPractice Go?
Questions? Challenges? Comments?