PaulTrippEp212.mp3

[00:00:21] There was a question about your mustache. We're going to skip that one. Yeah I got like 75 questions in 24 hours. People are ready for you. Many are desperate for help. Thank you for being willing and available.

[00:00:38] You're welcome.

[00:01:55] Hey welcome back to the god center mom podcast.

[00:01:58] It's wonderful to be with you.

[00:01:59] We got a really good response from the last time you were on so many parents desperate for help and for a new perspective. So your book Parenting and the gospel principles you presented something they were looking for but couldn't it put their hands on until you spelled it out. So thank you for writing it again and thank you for being willing to chat with us. A year ago and for coming back. You're welcome. It's good to be with you. So I know you have another live event coming up by the time the show airs at Areti have happened and you're going to focus in on four different areas of the book and I found it really interesting.

[00:02:40] I asked my listeners for questions and the variety of questions the extent of desperation kind of fits in with the first area you want to focus on which is calling. I just feel like it's overwhelming this task and this time that we live in them.

[00:03:05] Talk to us about that as the parent coming in. Ready for you to tell them how to get it right. How can we just preach a message to start of the grandness of this calling so so maybe maybe start with some questions here.

[00:03:24] Yeah. So if you're a parent what keeps you going.

[00:03:30] When you just don't feel like going anymore.

[00:03:34] What makes you willing to do the same thing over and over and over again. What gives you hope when your children don't offer you any hope. That's where we all live.

[00:03:51] We all live with the repetitive nature of parenting with times when we just feel like we're at the end or when we want to think hopefully about our children but we don't see the things in our kids that we love to see. And I think that's when this deeper sense of the beauty and glory of what I've been called to is what makes me willing to do that again because I'll never I'll never get that horizontally I'll never get that from my children. Let me say it this way you never get your capacity to parent your children from your children. Yeah they just they just won't give that to you. And I think a lot of parents that's where they're looking they're looking for the shimmers of hope or shimmers of success. And I get that. But you got to have something deeper than that and something that sort of is your compass that keeps reminding you of just the day significance the magnificence the hugeness of what God has invited you to be part of in the life of your children.

[00:05:11] And that's what that's what Colleen is about that I've been called to something in the life of my children that is unique and beautiful and nobody can replace me.

[00:05:26] And and so when when opportunities come up they're not interruptions to me because I realize who I was designed to do when I have to repeat myself. It doesn't make me mad because it's just another opportunity to do what I've been called to do anything short of our expectations. Sure

yeah sure.

[00:05:50] And they will just like think of God the Father I mean forget me keep in his law I can keep my own law.

[00:06:00] I set standards for myself all the time that I don't reach.

[00:06:03] And so we want to reflect that the sturdiness of God's commitment and that's what that's what Colleen is about. And I think that the average parent out there just doesn't have that terminology even in their thinking when they think of parenting.

[00:06:29] So they're going day to day reacting and responding to behavior hoping for an outcome hoping for that feeling that good feeling to come and coming up empty because they don't have this long term view.

[00:06:46] This this bigger picture thing there's two things you said I thought were really helpful. First of all you get reduced to reactive parenting. Right. You just you just respond to whatever happened to that moment. And that creates an inconsistency in your parenting emotionality and your parenting that's probably not helpful to you. You also find yourself up again. What I would say looking horizontally for your hope and that that just doesn't work. You know I jokingly say my children never got up in the morning and said to themselves How can I give Mom and Dad hope as parents. Just never. They never said that.

[00:07:32] And so that doesn't that doesn't work.

[00:07:36] And so having this this mission that I know I've been given to do that is one of the most important investments a human being could ever make in their life.

[00:07:55] Is what makes me continue. And knowing that that the God who calls me goes with me and the God who calls me never calls me to a task without enable me to do it.

[00:08:09] And wherever I am he's there and he's with me he's in me. He's for me. And that just gives me reason to continue when I can't find any other reason to continue.

[00:08:23] Yeah and it's not even we're not saying that the hope is that God will do this amazing thing. Kids thrill you and they'll go off and do wonderful work for him. They could go and derail and be an addict in life go down in the pits and it doesn't take away from that hope that you're still in their life. To share the gospel it's not an outcome based perspective that you're give.

[00:08:52] That's right that the good that I've been called to do in the life of my children is good because God has said it's good. My story and I may not I may not see that good.

[00:09:09] I think of Noah building the ark.

[00:09:17] There's no rain. There's no body of water. It's 120 years. A building. Well what would ever motivate a man to do that unless you believed that what God cultures do is good and necessary and you get up every day and you do it. And for years you see decades. You see no real fruit of what you're doing. And that's actually parenting because it is a lifelong thing. We have we have adult children we're still we're still interacting with our children. We're still in some kind of parenting position with them. We still longed to see fruit in their life. It's it's our life. Maybe this would be helpful. Yeah to talk about what is that calling.

[00:10:11] Yeah.

[00:10:12] What is that distinct thing and and what it is that somehow some way I would be able to instill in my children something that is absolutely life altering that will has the potential of setting their life on the right tragic trajectory.

[00:10:35] And that is God consciousness. Because you the the average child if he doesn't if he isn't given early in his life God consciousness where he realizes that the four most important words in the Bible are the first four words in the beginning God.

[00:10:56] He will he will insert himself in the center of his world or her world and he'll make life all about him. That's what all of the rebellion. All the selfishness all of the disobedience all of the argumentation of children is about it's life it's about me it's about my happiness. It's about doing what I want to do when I want to do it how I want to do it.

[00:11:25] And the only thing that will ever replace that is a child growing only being aware that at the center of the universe is not them but God this is God's world.

[00:11:39] And and what God has done for us here is is just so incredibly sweet. He's created a world that by its very physical nature reveals him. So you don't have to have these abstract preachy moments with your kids. Think big because the heavens declare the glory of God. I act my way of saying this you can't get up in the morning without bumping into God. And so boiling water you can talk about God how could you fry an egg would not just be blown away by all all the things that God created there or are baking bread or watching a sunset or are buying your children goldfish.

[00:12:27] I mean just all those moments are natural moments where you can rescue a child from their blindness.

[00:12:38] I think it requires us opening our eyes to see well we're so distracted we haven't taken the moment to say look at all that we could see it got in you know and and pillaging it. We roll out of bed and the phones right there or something. And so to take a second to say if this is important for our kids let's let's open our eyes ourself and it be practiced together.

[00:13:06] Absolutely. I think you're exactly right that what I have to pray first is not God opened my children's eyes open my eyes because I've been appointed called by God to be an instrument of scene.

[00:13:21] So that I give my children's eyes to see what they would not see without me because if if you're a human being made in God's image and you're blind to the existence and glory of God you are a spiritually disadvantaged human being.

[00:13:45] Because all of the good things that God offers you won't go after because you put yourself in the center of your world.

[00:13:56] Can I say one other thing about this course.

[00:14:00] When when Deuteronomy 6 talks about this children are preparing to go into the promised land and they talk about talking about God. When you're rice enough and lying down when you're walking on the way. It then does something really interesting that says when your children ask you why do we have all these rules and regulations.

[00:14:26] That is such a parenting moment. How many kids say. Why do you make us do that. Why do you say no to that. Why all these rules. You don't puff out your chest and say do it because I said to do it or do you know how big I am. Or do you know what you're going to get.

[00:14:47] What what God says is talk about all that God has done for you. Talk about his goodness talk about this beautiful land that he's placed you in. Talk about all the wonderful things that he's provided that you could have never provided with your own hands. What he's actually saying is wrote the rules that you have for your children in God's goodness and his love and His grace. Talk about how wonderful this one is. Who has given us these rules. I think it's really beautiful because often the natural thing we do is when we want to reinforce God's rules we talk about God as a judge. Maybe not not as a redeemer not as someone who's good and loving and kind. And when you think of when the law was given the law was given after Israel came out of the promised land because God knew these dear people had no idea how to live and the law was an object of his love his grace for these people.

[00:15:56] As it should be for for our children. So so together your you're creating this sense of of God everywhere in the lives of your children and you're attaching are the more regulations you want for your children to the fact that God is good. He's kind. He's lovely. And because of that what he what he asks of is is good.

[00:16:26] That means every opportunity that I have to discipline or correct is not an opportunity first to threaten my child with punishment but to talk about how good God is.

[00:16:41] Yeah.

[00:16:43] When you're talking I'm thinking about how well my dad did this as far as vivid memories of walking the beach or him any time we saw a sunset or always went back to God and His creation. And yes we also sat at the table and taught us the Bible. But it is those moments of him reframing her circumstances under the worldview of how God loves us and how he cares for us and how he how creative he is and how in my own parenting I can do that well if I'm in a good place.

[00:17:20] If I'm not emotionally or spiritually or physically feeling well or up to the task it is a just do it because I said so in the thread.

[00:17:29] If you don't do this and so I have found and I'm sure my dad had promised to that I'm just not remembering but you always paid those a little better sometimes so to give myself the grace of I will make those mistakes.

[00:17:47] But two this is a good conversation to remind me of the goal so that when my go to reactive moment is control the chaos of four boys do what I want when I want.

[00:18:02] So we can get to the next thing I can honor my dad's memory. Honor this by doing the thing of saying we have a good God and He loves us and he cares for us. But I know the mom is listening who's saying what about trying to get everybody out of the House got the strong willed kid. I love this concept but what does that look like in that moment. Give me the words because they keep they keep wanting to pin this down as something they can say.

[00:18:37] So. So it's it's not an either or. Yeah.

[00:18:43] Obviously your children need authority their life. And obviously they're not capable of making choices without parents. That's why God gave parents parents so it's not an either or you

don't suspend necessary things you need to do to bring order and direction into your children's life. But you take you also ask the question What is God wanting to do in the heart of this child at this moment and how can I be part of that.

[00:19:13] Maybe that's maybe that's after the fact where you have had this battle getting a child out of the house in the car and you're emotionally distraught and they're upset it's not the time to have a conversation. But later that afternoon or that evening you sit down with a child and say I want to talk to you about what happened this morning and there's your chance to talk about the goodness of God and and the fact that God puts parents in your life because he loves you and he gives you directions because he cares for you.

[00:19:47] And look at all the signs of God's blessing that are around us that we enjoy every day that we could have never produced on our own.

[00:19:56] It's always getting back to that because you see if if all you're looking for is a strategy for success in this moment. What we're talking about you can do none of it right.

[00:20:13] Because you're never you're never just dealing with behavior. You're always dealing with what controls the child's behavior and that's his heart and.

[00:20:27] And if God consciousness doesn't rule my heart self orientation will. That's what has to change. No I can't create that change but I can I can give God's Spirit and Opportunity again and again to work in the heart of my child because I'm not just looking for strategies I'm remembering my calling. And so I know there's the practical things that have to be done. Of course they do. But I also know that been called something deeper and bigger than that. Let me get this sort of takes us in a little bit different direction and the conversation we're having right now. You you you've sort of pointed out that that holding on to that calling is a bit of a spiritual war for parents.

[00:21:24] And there's there's there's two things that get in the way of calling one is parent frustration and a desire for something that works.

[00:21:37] Yeah. Our time is we are either both outside the house working ones working inside the house where everyone's going every direction. It just feels like there's no time to sit and process. We just need the strategy implement the strategy which I know isn't right but that just feels like what a lot of parents are coming to me looking for.

[00:22:02] And so God's God's promise isn't first that his way of parenting is efficient. Right. He promises that it's true for transformational which is better.

[00:22:18] And so you you you're you're live with that that that tension. Yeah and that's why I say you're always you're always doing two things you have to deal with the thing at the moment but you always want to do that in a way that remembers your calling. But there's a second thing that I think is a big deal here and it is there's a battle of values in the heart of every parent. I love the biblical word that I use for this. Jesus used that Matthew 6 as treasure treasure something of value. So there are values that will push it against this sense of calling. For example if physical things have risen to a level of value that's greater than what they should be.

[00:23:16] No no. There's actually no sense in loving physical things. God's given us a beautiful world has given us pleasure Gates taken that beauty. But if that rules your heart you will spend so much time gaining and maintaining physical things that will distract you from parenting and and there will be moments when you care more about the stain on your couch than you do the soul of your child.

[00:23:50] Yeah because physical things have gotten in the way or or success are you.

[00:23:58] We've we've been hinting at this that if you if you drive for success your push push push push push your work work work work work and the meaningful conversations that are not about the success of this moment will be lost along the way and success even I know for them I'm listening.

[00:24:21] It may not be monetary success therea success. It is. I did this parenting thing well. Oh absolutely. I know they are looking to they. They don't want to do it poorly and especially the millennials I'm finding there's a lot of pressure to not just do it do it well and look good doing it.

[00:24:43] And so all of that wrapped up. If that is the treasure like you're saying we have to live to call it out.

[00:24:51] So. So I find a question that's been really helpful for me. It's one that I I keep returning to is what set of values.

[00:25:05] Sets the agenda for my weekly schedule and my work is an apparent Yeah. Does does my values cause me to think of my children as an interruption.

[00:25:22] And as as parenting moments as a hassle. I mean let's be honest there are times where I've stopped my way down the hallway because I was angry that my children actually needed parenting right. Right.

[00:25:37] That's a values issue or the value that you want them to get into the college and get that scholarship. And so you have chocks the calendar fall and the extra stress of that is getting in the way of the parenting.

[00:25:50] Absolutely. I was asked to counsel a 50 year old boy who was who had his mother or his mother had his success her his plant her plan for his success in place and he was breaking under the load of it and she. She had lost her voice and that boy's life. What he really wanted was somebody to free him from his mother.

[00:26:13] Yeah. So now if we recognize it go ahead.

[00:26:16] She was well-intentioned but it was the wrong the wrong agenda.

[00:26:23] So if a mom listening or dad is recognizing now I've put too much emphasis on these things. They are the treasures. What do they do next.

[00:26:36] Sure I was at the end of a parenting weekend. Dad came up to me I could tell he was emotional and I thought he could be angry or something I said I was not a steel myself and I think he was. He began to tear up and he said I'm I'm a star and the corporation I'm working for. I've been on a fast track.

[00:26:57] They have been been given me promotions as fast as they can. But but a year ago I heard you speak and I went home realizing that I was an absentee father that I knew my children's names but I didn't actually know my children. At the level of their hearts.

[00:27:20] And I went to my boss he said we had the big suburban mansion. We had luxury cars. I went to my boss and I said I want to talk about my position and my boss said I'm giving you promotions as far as I can and can't get another promotion he said. I actually want a demotion and

he said I am a dad. It's the most important thing I could ever do with my life and I don't know my own children.

[00:27:50] His boss said I don't think I'll ever have another man who will say this to me you got it he said you know we're not going to be able to pay us much he said. That's fine he said. We've put our big house up for sale replaced plaister luxury cars with used cars and I bought by doing that the time I need to with my children. He said Poland this year. I have five kids. Not one of my children has said to me I wish we lived in the big house. I wish we were driving the better cars. But he said repeatedly my children have said to me Dad I am so thankful you're around. And then he this man pointed his finger at me and he said Paul trip you keep saying this we need to hear it.

[00:28:48] Now.

[00:28:50] And I think that's a better for all of us are good things take over begin to rule our heart and get in the way of the beauty of what God has called us to.

[00:29:01] And I know because I don't want the people listening to think this is that's one model and that's what I'm gonna follow again. The point of that story is that this dad recognized where his heart was misplaced and for him he followed where God it could be Ministry it could be other good things. Yeah. And you're here recognizing you are not doing whatever guys assigned you to do. With a sword that is right.

[00:29:30] So the question is what is in the way of God's call to me as a parent. For me yeah. What tends to get in the way. And you don't ask that question once you have to ask it repeatedly.

[00:29:43] Different Seasons. Yep. I mean for me recently it was it was bitterness and pain from the loss of my dad was getting in the way of me parenting wholeheartedly towards my kids. There was a guardedness and that was unseen. Only I could deal with that with God. But it was holding place not a treasure that I wanted to keep but I was treasuring it the ink. Each parent doing that examination of would you say that's identity that treasure thing that we're sorting out where is our identity coming from. Sure. Conversation. OK. Yeah.

[00:30:24] And that's that's a very important issue also is where am I looking. Where do I get my sense of meaning and purpose and well-being. Well trying to get that for my children is a miserable place miserable place to look because I have children who are brokenness inside of them and are not going to reinstill that sense of identity who will never get give. Be able to give me that rest. My heart is just looking for it. You're meant to get that vertically.

[00:31:08] Yeah it was my dad leaving his work because he had more time with his kids you know because some people would say well then he's just focused on his kids and that's different from what you're saying. He was following God's lead.

[00:31:22] Yeah absolutely. Absolutely. And and because of that he was he was joyful not doing that begrudgingly and also because of that he was able to give himself more to that court thing that God had cottoned to yeah it's good it's good.

[00:31:48] OK. Do you have more that you want to talk through that. I know you have a lot more you're going to talk about at the live event. Do you want to go to the questions that people sent.

[00:31:58] Sure take some questions.

[00:32:01] So we're looking again very specifics but what do you do when a child starts lying. How

do you correct indisciplined.

[00:32:13] Ok so I always want to give a big picture that's. Or even what to do in this moment. And here's the here's the big picture. If your eyes ever see or your ears ever hear the scent weakness of failure of your children like line it's never an interruption it's never a hassle. It's never an accident it's always grace. God loves that child. He will expose the need of that child to you so you can be part of what he alone is able to do in the life that child.

[00:32:52] So you don't get mad that the a lie has been exposed.

[00:32:59] That's actually God loving your child. And that's actually God giving you an opportunity. So that's the first thing. Perspective on the incident. Yeah right. And the perspective on the fact that this isn't first personal.

[00:33:18] Because it's not just me and my child this is the God who is exposing something in my child so I can be part of his help and rescue me for this crowd because I think we assume sometimes when it's a little kid there's a certain feel like developmental stage where they start learning and they become aware Oh I can say that not truth and not get in trouble. And we project will now they're going to prison like this is just going to continue and they're ruined if I don't stop this and get rid of it. And to have that perspective. No this is a gift that we can shine a light on and figure out what's actually going on.

[00:33:59] So what a wonderful thing. God loves my child. Yes. To expose this earliness life before taking control of his heart. What a beautiful thing. So how can I be part of this beautiful thing.

[00:34:12] Well what what I want to do is I want to add instruction and the gospel to correction and discipline.

[00:34:26] I don't want to just say because you lied and lied it's wrong. This is what you're gonna get. Because that misses the opportunity. I'm going to correct and I may need to discipline. But I want to instruct so instruction means help this child to begin to understand the dangers of what he's giving himself to. Now you say it's a 4 year old. We'll talk to your 4 year old. Because what this what this child is doing is he is assembling the bits and pieces of a view of life that he will continue to assemble through his adulthood. Give him the right bits and pieces he may able to understand everything but he's going to lie again and you're going to get another opportunity. You don't have accomplished all all at once. My granddaughter came home and she's four years old to me and she says grappa you're a man. You're a boy. I'm not a boy I'm a girl. Mommy's a mommy's girl Daddy's not a girl daddy's boy. I just thought Is that something she's beginning to do simple these little pieces that are making life sense making sense to her. So that's the first thing instruction.

[00:35:40] The second thing this opportunity to talk about the grace of Jesus that Jesus came to rescue me from me because her son thinks inside of me that would hurt me.

[00:35:56] And I can run from a location and I can run from another person but I can't run for myself. And you could you can't you can't Cockerill those things inside of you by yourself. That's why God sent His Son. Now will get that simple takes 15 seconds. The child won't get all of that. But you're planting seeds that you're going to continue to wander and are going to continue to grow. So when you deal with light remember that's a good thing that you have the opportunity to deal with this that's not a bad thing. That's a sign of God's love.

[00:36:34] And if your identity is in the right place and you've recognized like are lying does not mean I'm a liar I'm not a bad mom because they're lying. Is the sense that we believe is in all of us.

Isn't this child. It is. OK. I'm going to survive it. And it's actually a good thing. Like you said it's an opportunity that you get through your heart level.

[00:36:56] So because now they are tuned into you Ed instruction and the gospel to correction and discipline. And honestly one other thing. Your your goal isn't to win in that moment. So the child falls on his knees and says Corporal Lyons center. Where's the Savior. Right.

[00:37:18] Because you have to have. You have to have a process mentality.

[00:37:25] This is just one of thousands of conversations I'm going to have with this child and I'm going to plant seeds. No one I'm going to get another of another opportunity and I'm thankful for that. And I can't buy the force of my argument the strength of my personality or the volume of my voice. Change that child's heart. Only God can do that. And I'm thankful for this opportunity.

[00:37:52] This is part of God's process of rescuing my child it's really good was really good. We had a situation this morning. I needed to remember all this.

[00:38:01] I don't know opportunity this morning so let's say like you'd said we're not going to expect the repentance right away. But I feel like there are seasons in childhood development even in kids who've grown up in a church where maybe they were you know gung ho yes Jesus Gospel and then they kind of are sorting it out for themselves and may be unwilling to repent. I kind of actually oppose the repentance process. How should you parent in that situation. You've done all these things. Wow. You set up the framework of what's expected and you've seen and seen them as opportunities and the heart just isn't repenting.

[00:38:50] So I think what what what happens is we talk very positively about the joys and blessings of relationship of Jesus with our young children.

[00:38:59] We should do that. All those things are true. But but I think what a teenager begins to be aware of is that this is a call to die to myself and to forsake this agenda of me at the center of my universe and to live in unselfconscious willing submission to somebody other than myself. And that is the most unnatural thing for a human being ever to do because segment's 515 says that Jesus came.

[00:39:43] This is really helpful so that those who would live would no longer live for themselves. The natural thing for a person coming into the world apart from the rescue of God's grace is to live for themselves.

[00:39:56] So stay with me here. Rebellion isn't this we're a natural thing. It's a natural thing for Senator. What is fundamentally unnatural is that I would submit to the will of someone I can't hear see or touch.

[00:40:21] And so I'm not shocked that I'm facing rebellion.

[00:40:28] I'm how could I be shocked. I've got my own heart. I mean think about this. If I'm a dead and I'm now screaming at one of my children with anger that I shouldn't have with words that I should say I'm not doing that because I'm ignorant of the fact that that's wrong. I'm doing that because at that point I don't care what's right or wrong. I may add and I'm going to save what I'm going to say. That's a rebellion.

[00:40:58] And so what I what I want to remember in those moments when I'm dealing with that rebellion is more like my child than unlike a and no one gives grace better. No one deals with that

with those things with more patience and love than someone who knows they desperately need the same in their own life now that doesn't mean you don't deal with the rebellion. But it just alters the way that you deal with it. I think we may have talked about this last time we we converse about it but one of my struggles when I when I used the word grace in parenting.

[00:41:44] Parents think that just means being permissive and the fact of the matter is Grace never calls wrong right if wrong or right there'd be no need for Grace Grace acknowledge it's wrong. It's just a way of dealing with wrong. So instead of angry words and condemnation and slapping on a punishment and walk away. I want to be part of God's work of changing the heart of this child. And so how can I. How can I take advantage of this moment of of rebellion. And I find one of the ways that I want to do that is I want to get the child in a situation where the emotions are deescalated and ask him questions that he would never be able to ask himself.

[00:42:51] Are some of those. Well so I always say when when when I was asking him to do that.

[00:43:01] Tell me what you were thinking and feeling inside. Tell me what you wanted.

[00:43:09] Help me to understand why you got so angry. No what I'm doing is a rebellious child will say ew ew ew ew you are making it about you not about them those questions. Turn the camera toward the child. And actually get him to look at what's going on inside of himself. And I don't know when God's gonna give him a burst of insight but I'm going to keep doing that because that's unnatural for us if you ask a 5 year old why he pushed his sister knocking down. He won't talk about himself. She said yeah. He wants it because I'm selfish center and I got violence in my heart. You should expect worse from me. And if you ask a 6 year old why he did exactly what you asked him not to do he won't talk about himself or talk about you. We'll talk about the situation so every time that's revealed you want to capture the opportunity. To begin to help him to see that the struggle the main struggle is that outside of him it's inside of him.

[00:44:20] You're prepping them before they have to go to 12 step recovery which is the heart of what was I feeling thinking what I do. So to have that PrEP is great. So OK so that's the teen I got questions about. Strong willed toddlers who I'm guessing a toddler hasn't professed faith.

[00:44:39] So we're talking about an unbelieving strong willed toddler Well I kind of think all toddlers are strong willed.

[00:44:49] Oh yeah.

[00:44:51] Some just some just some just some are extremely strong. Yeah.

[00:44:55] So some of the advance their sovereignty by compliant manipulation and some some advance their sovereignty by screaming and yelling and kicking.

[00:45:15] I taught kindergarten for four years.

[00:45:18] One of my most rebellious students was a sweet little doe eyed smiling girl who would have never said a word to me smiled at me. Always said yes and then went off and did exactly what she wanted to do. So I think it's important not to put rebellion in one character basket.

[00:45:45] Yeah because has a variety of other expressions to it.

[00:45:54] What I know is that every child coming into the world believes in their autonomy and their self-sufficiency autonomy means my life belongs to me and I should be able to live it the way

I want and every every child thinks they are self-sufficient. I am capable of living. I don't need your help and your instruction. So that means the fight about what to eat with a younger child.

[00:46:26] It's not about diet. The child hasn't read a diet book. It's about authority. I don't want you to tell me what to put in my mouth are the fight over when to go to bed.

[00:46:38] It's not about sleep it's it's again about authority.

[00:46:42] The the fight over what's appropriate to wear to wear clothing wherever you're going. It's not about clothing. It's about I want to rule my life. So the earlier you get at those authority issues the better off you are.

[00:47:02] So how would you how would you start with that Tyler. So whether they're compliant or they're strong like a outwardly strong well we don't have that conversation.

[00:47:13] So what I what I want to say is fight your authority battles early. Here's what parents do.

[00:47:20] They they fail to realize that these simple issues are not so simple because they're just a little child's expression of rebellion to authority. So you want to capture those those opportunities and what you have to do is exactly what God did. You have to attach to the car to be in a the existence of consequences for disobedience. That is actually doing gospel work. Because until you accept the bad news the good news won't mean anything to you. Does that make sense. If life is open and has no consequences why would it bother ever to obey. If if if you're in school and you're told you need get passing grades but failure has no consequences. Why study.

[00:48:23] So you want to teach your child early.

[00:48:30] A that there's no authority in this world that are not yet and they're not yet that that authority figure has sent parents to be his physical expression of his authority that there are rules in life.

[00:48:49] That we all are called to obey because God is good and he knows what's best for us and that there are consequences for not obeying those rules.

[00:48:59] But there's a there's a final thing that I need help because I don't naturally want to obey and I think it's great to use yourself as an example that this struggles inside of you too.

[00:49:17] So again your your routine that moment not end just how do I get my child to stop doing this. But how do we begin to orient him to the danger of what he's doing because he'll never win. You will never ever be a person outside of authority. Every human being lives under authority. You'll never win.

[00:49:43] So I'm picturing this battle that's escalating this mom asking maybe she's put shoes on. Maybe stay in your room at night and the child keeps coming out keeps coming out keeps coming out or refuses kicks the shoes off mom puts the shoes on kicks the shoes off and she is desperate this is her all day everyday. This fight for authority. What encouragement can we give her.

[00:50:14] Well OK. The encouragement. First courage. Ms.

[00:50:21] She just needs to own her inability to ever produce desires in the heart of a child that she can't produce got to do that goddess and put that responsibility on her. But there are things she can do. Let me give an example. So I'm I'm Khaos the couple who has a child who gets out of bed every

every night hours over and over again.

[00:50:45] So if you want to demonstrate that there is a god in this world who will never compromise his law in order to deliver his grace.

[00:50:59] Then you have to be that visible representation. So death is what I do. I say get a chair put it next to a child's bed.

[00:51:09] And when your child goes to bed go sit in that chair and every child every every time the child begins to get up say no no no you know mom dad ask you to stay in bed. I will stay in this chair for as many nights as it takes before you realize that this is what you need to do.

[00:51:33] That's a sacrifice God called us to on the fourth night the father called me said my child just slept through the night.

[00:51:44] Because something connected in this dear heart of that child I won't win.

[00:51:53] My dad really means what he says which is a representation of God meaning what he says which is the beginning of the rescue of that child's heart.

[00:52:08] And if the parents feeling weak and they're about to lose it. Like how 92 or 93 do a swap offer. We have to be aware of like Lynch says.

[00:52:21] We don't do because you never never are without limits. And yeah and look if if if you need a night's sleep take a break. The good thing about it is in every one of these situations if you're so angry that you can't deal with things properly don't deal with it. God loves you your child. You live with your child. You'll get another opportunity. So that's why I said that this. I got to win in this moment. It's just not the way it is. I am amazed always not by the things that Jesus spoke to and his disciples but all the things he did. Because you can't deal with everything all the time. You'd be crazy and exhausted so you know you save yourself. OK. This was a bad moment I was riled up. I got it I got to deescalate this moment.

[00:53:11] I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. But I know God loves my child. I know he's going to reveal the stuff again.

[00:53:18] And I know I'm going to get another opportunity again because there were more parents angry kids throwing things yelling and disrespectful kids. A lot of questions about that. See they left patience that comes when you're I feel like your whole conversation is shifting the perspective on when those things happen is foundational and just continuing to bring the Gospel and not relying on I need to say the exact right thing so my child stops being angry. It's my child stops being disrespectful.

[00:53:55] OK let me let me just quickly speak to that. If there was if there were one right thing yeah that you could say that roof removed the rebellion out of the heart of your child Jesus would have never had to come.

[00:54:10] Yeah yeah.

[00:54:12] That's not what we have. What we have is God given opportunities to represent the big things that God wants to do in the heart of our children even if it looks like at street level I'm losing occasionally we are planting seeds and I know what it's like I have I have four children. My daughters Assuras in the family. She's six foot one. I'm about 5 10. My sons go up from there. I

know what it's like to stand at the door. My children are going to go into Center City Philadelphia. My two sons and know that those boys would never think of saying no to me.

[00:54:53] That's the legacy of 10000 conversations that have finally got his youth to progressively alter the content of that child's heart. You've got to look down the road. Change is seldom an event.

[00:55:14] It's almost always a process it's really good.

[00:55:18] One last question and our time is almost up. There are several that ask for special advice for parents of kids who are adopted.

[00:55:29] Well I think it's it's very very important to know that you will you will not magically turn your adopted child into your natural child. That that there is there is innate hardwiring in that child that's different from what your children have gotten through you and your husband or you and your wife. That's the first thing that that the pathway of parenting is different.

[00:56:09] The second thing I would say that I don't think is talked about enough is that every adopted child is going to have huge identity and belonging issues because they are dealing with something that God never intended children to deal with in God's original plan. Children would live in the home of their natural parents and they would never wonder about what their true identity is. They would never wonder do I do I actually belong.

[00:56:51] And so I I want to do everything I can to help my child to deal with those identity and belonging issues.

[00:57:10] Did you bring them up in questions or the ice surfaces.

[00:57:17] I I think it's important to as soon as you get any consciousness of the child was looking around or you may hear something a child says you introduce a topic early. And one of the things one of things we said too we have an adopted daughter is that we are persuaded that you were meant to be our daughter as your brothers were meant to be our sons God just decided to bring you into a different pathway.

[00:57:58] And we never ever think of you as our adopted daughter.

[00:58:04] We think of you as our daughter and then we've we've always sought to help her to deal with the reality of the fact that she has some some natural instincts that are different than anybody in the family. And and to validate the beauty of those things.

[00:58:33] They're not weird and different. They're beautiful things. They're an expression of who she is as a human being and she should not be embarrassed about though she should not feel weird in the context of her family. But I think again that that conversation that this was ordained for you. You were trained to be in this family as much as our children were is tremendously helpful. And then then don't ever quiet questions be willing to deal with other questions be willing to help the child get a sense of their origins of wonder don't ever be intimidated by that. Do everything you can to quiet their feeling that I'm in a world where I don't know who I am and I don't know where I actually belong.

[00:59:26] It's very helpful. Thank you for sharing.

[00:59:29] I was not aware that y'all had adopted. How old was cieling adopting her. She was 4 months and we didn't know the birth mom and were you in relationship with her.

[00:59:43] No. No. It was it was more adoption was more private than we had. We have really we are really find information about her story and that's another thing I would say is look for every any way you can tell the story in a positive way. Her mom got pregnant on a prom weekend and her family wanted her to abort the baby and she refused to do that. She walked the streets until she found a place that she thought would take care of her. So it's really a story not a rejection story of love. Brains are. Yes. So we've told that we've told that story.

[01:00:24] Also look for things that you can you could point to that are positive and beautiful. But that's been her she's known about that from very early times. Yeah.

[01:00:41] Thank you Paul for being with us again. Such a pleasure and you all. I'll give you all the details about the parenting event so you can sign up and watch that. All right. Thanks for have a good day. Thank you. Bye bye.