05 17 09 resolving conflict in our marriage part 2 conflict resolution communication keys for...

West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryCan You Hear Me Now?Communication Keys for Couples

VII. Resolving Conflicts in Our MarriageMisconceptions about Conflict


1. Christians are supposed to avoid all conflict.

Matthew 21:12Jesus entered the temple area and drove out allwho were buying and selling there. He overturnedthe tables of the money changers and the benchesof those selling doves.


2. Wives should automatically cave in to theirhusbands wishes.

Ephesians 5:21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.


3. The best way to handle conflict is throughcompromise.

Psalm 25:5.guide me in your truth and teach me, for you areGod my Savior

VII. Resolving Conflicts in Our MarriageTypical Responses to Conflict


1. Avoidpretend it doesnt bother me



2. AccommodateIll give in.




3. CompeteIll get my way.





4. CompromiseIll meet you half way.





4. CompromiseIll meet you half way.

5. CollaborateIll work together with you.

VII. Resolving Conflicts in Our MarriageSteps to Resolving Conflict in our Marriage


1. Get a firm grip on who youre talking to.

Philippians 2:3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,but in humility consider others better thanyourselves.


1. Get a firm grip on who youre talking to.

Philippians 2:3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,but in humility consider others better thanyourselves.

See and treat your spouse as a VIP! becausethats what they are!


2. Establish some ground rules for handlingconflict. (aka fighting fair)



Adopt Gods Word as the definitive standardfor decision-making.




Hosea 4:6.my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.




Mark 12:24Jesus replied, "Are you not in error because you donot know the Scriptures or the power of God?




Psalm 119:165Great peace have they who love your law, andnothing can make them stumble.




John 8:31-32Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will setyou free.

VII. Resolving Conflicts in Our MarriageSteps to Resolving Conflict in our Marriage2. Establish some ground rules for handlingconflict. (aka fighting fair)


2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and everypretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,and we take captive every thought to make it obedient toChrist.

VII. Resolving Conflicts in Our MarriageSteps to Resolving Conflict in our Marriage2. Establish some ground rules for handlingconflict. (aka fighting fair)


Life is hard; its even harder if youre stupid. John Wayne




People experience conflict primarily overconflicting values and desires.




We should decide once and for all that His Wordwill be THE source of truth.



Make a commitment to honesty ANDopenness.




Psalm 34:13keep your tongue from evil and your lips fromspeaking lies.




Proverbs 12:22The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in menwho are truthful.




Proverbs 15:4The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but adeceitful tongue crushes the spirit.




Proverbs 26:28A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flatteringmouth works ruin.




Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth inlove, we will in all things grow up into him who is theHead, that is, Christ.




Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must putoff falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor,for we are all members of one body.




1 Peter 3:10 For, "Whoever would love life andsee good days must keep his tongue from evil andhis lips from deceitful speech.




Everyone should have a chance to be heard.



Make a decision to always treat one anotherwith respect.




Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you alsomust love his wife as he loves himself, and the wifemust respect her husband.




1 Peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as youlive with your wives, and treat them with respect




1 Peter 2:17Show proper respect to everyone



There is no room for name-calling !




We dont raise our voices at one another.




We dont raise our voices at one another.

We dont talk over one another.



Stick to the issue at hand.

Genesis 3:11-12 And he said, "Who told you that you werenaked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commandedyou not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman youput here with meshe gave me some fruit from the tree, andI ate it."



We effectively admit that we are wrong when we:(1) blame our spouse for our own deficiencies



We effectively admit that we are wrong when we:(1) blame our spouse for our own deficiencies(2) twist the facts to justify our own behavior



We effectively admit that we are wrong when we:(1) blame our spouse for our own deficiencies(2) twist the facts to justify our own behavior (3) derail the search for truth by going on rabbit trail



We effectively admit that we are wrong when we:(1) blame our spouse for our own deficiencies(2) twist the facts to justify our own behavior (3) derail the search for truth by going on rabbit trail(4) drag up ancient history to make our own badbehavior not seem so bad



Both should agree to proactively reach out to make peace.




Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore, if you are offering your gift atthe altar and there remember that your brother hassomething against you, leave your gift there in front of thealtar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then comeand offer your gift.




Romans 12:18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live atpeace with everyone.




Romans 14:19Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.




Be mature enough to reach out to the otherperson when they are emotionally hooked.



Make it our policy not to allow conflict to go unsettled.

Ephesians 4:26-27 "In your anger do not sin": Donot let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold.



Make it our policy not to allow conflict to go unsettled.

Because if we dont, we give Satan a foothold inour marriage.



We establish ground rules when all is well, not in the heat of battle.


3. Stop the fight before it ever begins.



Learn to manage the expectations of others.

Proverbs 17:14Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so dropthe matter before a dispute breaks out.

Proverbs 20:3 It is to a man's honor to avoidstrife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.




2 Timothy 2:23Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupidarguments, because you know they producequarrels.




Two keys to managing expectations:





(1) Anticipate





(1) Anticipate

(2) Communicate



Simplify your lifestyle.

Proverbs 10:22 The blessing of the LORD bringswealth, and he adds no trouble to it.

Proverbs 17:1Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a housefull of feasting, with strife.




1 Timothy 6:6-9But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we broughtnothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. Butif we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trapand into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge menInto ruin and destruction.




Much conflict comes from chasing thingswe dont need and cant afford.



Make time to plan ahead.

Proverbs 21:5The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.




2 Corinthians 1:17When I planned this, did I do it lightly? Or do I makemy plans in a worldly manner so that in the samebreath I say, "Yes, yes" and "No, no"?




Have a time to sit down and plan your schedulefor the upcoming week.




Have a time to sit down and plan your schedulefor the upcoming week.Work together on your schedule to increasemargin and reduce stress.



Be careful who you hang out with.

Proverbs 22:24Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, donot associate with one easily angered




Proverbs 12:26A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but theway of the wicked leads them astray.

Proverbs 13:20He who walks with the wise grows wise, but acompanion of fools suffers harm.




Our friends influence the way we treatothers.choose wisely.



Enjoy making love regularly!

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his maritalduty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. Thewife's body does not belong to her alone but also to herhusband. In the same way, the husband's body does notbelong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive eachother except by mutual consent and for a time, so that youmay devote yourselves to prayer.



Enjoy making love regularly!

God invented sex for our enjoyment.go for it!


4. When your spouse fires the first shot, keepyourself under control !



My response is my responsibility.




Proverbs 29:11A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise mankeeps himself under control.




Proverbs 17:27A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, anda man of understanding is even-tempered.




Proverbs 15:1A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh wordstirs up anger.




Galatians 5:22-23But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control.




The course of a fight is not determined by theinitiator, but by the responder!



Reach out and touch someone.



Deal with the root issue behind the emotion.

Proverbs 20:5The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, buta man of understanding draws them out.




Proverbs 18:17The first to present his case seems right, tillanother comes forward and questions him.


Luke 20:19-26..the spies questioned him: "Teacher, we know that youspeak and teach what is right, and that you do not showpartiality but teach the way of God in accordance with thetruth. 22Is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?" 23Hesaw through their duplicity and said to them, 24"Show me adenarius. Whose portrait and inscription are on it? Caesars" they replied. He said to them, "Then give to Caesar what isCaesar's, and to God what is God's." They were unable totrap him in what he had said there in public. And astonishedby his answer, they became silent.




1 Corinthians 2:11For who among men knows the thoughts of aman except the man's spirit within him?




If we dont solve THE PROBLEM, well be havingthe same fight for the next 50 years!!!



If emotions run high, take a time out ANDagree to talk later that day.

Colossians 3:8But now you must rid yourselves of all such thingsas these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthylanguage from your lips.




Either spouse should call for a time out if thingsget too heated.




But be sure to get back together quickly toaddress the real issues.


5. Apply time-tested Biblical principles toresolve conflict.



Set a time to talk about the tough things.



Ask God for help.

Psalms 127:1Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders laborin vain.



Ask God for help.

Proverbs 16:7When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, hemakes even his enemies live at peace with him.



Ask God for help.

James 1:5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, whogives generously to all without finding fault, and itwill be given to him.



Ask God for help.

We are only kidding ourselves if we think we canhave a joyful marriage apart from a relationshipwith Christ.



Examine your own heart first.

Psalm 26:2Test me, O LORD, and try me, examine my heartand my mind;




Lamentations 3:40Let us examine our ways and test them, and let usreturn to the LORD.




Matthew 7:3-4"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in yourbrother's eye and pay no attention to the plank inyour own eye? How can you say to your brother,'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all thetime there is a plank in your own eye?




1 Peter 5:5All of you, clothe yourselves with humility towardone another, because, "God opposes the proud butgives grace to the humble."




We need to acknowledge that we just might bewrong.




We need to be self-aware and recognize whenwe are emotionally hooked.



Emphasize relationship over rights.

2 Corinthians 5:18All this is from God, who reconciled us to himselfthrough Christ and gave us the ministry ofreconciliation



Emphasize relationship over rights.

Your relationship with your spouse is moreimportant than being right.



Focus on the Problem not the Person.

Ephesians 4:29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of yourmouths, but only what is helpful for building othersup according to their needs, that it may benefitthose who listen.




Colossians 3:8But now you must rid yourselves of all such thingsas these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthylanguage from your lips.




1 Peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as youlive with your wives, and treat them with respect




Do define the core issue and attack it not yourspouse.



Develop a process for decision-making.



Take turns asking questions and expressingyour thoughts until you reach an Agreement.




Romans 12:16Live in harmony with one another.




1 Corinthians 1:10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the nameof our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with oneAnother so that there may be no divisions among you andthat you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.




1 Thessalonians 5:13Live in peace with each other.




1 Peter 3:8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another;be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionateand humble.




State specifically what you have agreed to.


6. If a Discussion Takes a Wrong Turn.



Remember the Law of Holes.

Psalm 7:15He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into thepit he has made.



Remember the Law of Holes.

Psalm 7:15He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into thepit he has made.

When you realize you are digging a hole foryourself, stop digging!



Ask for and be willing to grant -- forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:32Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgaveYou.




Colossians 3:13Bear with each other and forgive whatevergrievances you may have against one another.Forgive as the Lord forgave you.




Hebrews 8:12For I will forgive their wickedness and will remembertheir sins no more."




Learn to say these simple but powerful phrases:




Learn to say these simple but powerful phrases:I was wrong.




Learn to say these simple but powerful phrases:I was wrong. Im sorry.




Learn to say these simple but powerful phrases:I was wrong. Im sorry. Will you forgive me?




Learn to say these simple but powerful phrases:I was wrong. Im sorry. Will you forgive me? If you add But or If you negate the apology!!



Dont hold grudges after the fight is over.

Romans 12:17-19Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to dowhat is right in the eyes of everybody. If it ispossible, as far as it depends on you, live at peacewith everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, butleave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It ismine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.




1 Corinthians 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easilyangered, it keeps no record of wrongs.




Dont keep a mental list of past wrongs to beatyour spouse with.



But what if a spouse violates our established Ground Rules?




(1) First let them vent without saying anything.





(2) Then confront them gently.





(2) Then confront them gently.

The spouse will Back-Peddle (if mature) ORthey will Back-Fire.



If you cant resolve an issue on your own, seek counsel from another!

Proverbs 12:15The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wiseman listens to advice.




Proverbs 13:10Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found inthose who take advice.




Proverbs 19:20Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in theend you will be wise.




Proverbs 19:20Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in theend you will be wise.

Dont settle for a M&M marriage!

05 17 09 resolving conflict in our marriage part 2 conflict resolution communication keys for...

Spiritual

marriagetypical responses

ground rules

gods word

best way

vain conceit

selfish ambition

firm grip

better thanyourselves