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Dating & Relationships 101:

Part 1

Sponsored byKCC Student Success Peer Mentors &

Violence Prevention Task Force

KCC Peer Mentors will discusshow to be "date safe", recognize warning

signs& have a great dating experience.

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• The Student Success Peer Mentor Program’s mission is to navigate students through their journey to succeed at KCC in all aspects of student life, including academics, extracurricular & personal well-being.

• KCC’s Violence Prevention Taskforce mission is to provide prevention education & services to create a safer, more informed campus community.

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Did You Know That… _ ___ • __ _______ ______ _____ _______ _______ ___ ___

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In the U.S…• 1 in 4 victims report being stalked through the

use of some form of technology (such as e-mail or instant messaging). – Stalking Resource Center, 2009

In Hawaii…• In 2009, approximately 400 forcible rapes

occurred – up almost 10% from the previous year. – Honolulu News

In Colleges… • About 50% of college students experience

intimate partner violence. – Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2010

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What is a “Relationship”?

“The way in which two or more people or groups regard & behave towards each other” (Oxford English Dictionary, 2010).

• For our presentation, we will be focusing on intimate partner relationships.

• The term “intimate partner” includes current & former spouses & dating partners (Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, 2009).

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Before the First Date…

Sun & Sky are planning to go out on a first date. They met on campus, had a brief conversation & felt a “connection.” They exchanged phone numbers & made plans to meet for a casual lunch. They are both excited, but nervous.

• What do you think they should wear?

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Dressing for a First Date

What’s your impression?

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Dressing for a First Date

What’s your impression?

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What You Need to Know• What you wear may send different

signals to your date.

• Wearing too short skirts or shorts, widely open-necked tops, exposed underwear & so forth may give the “wrong” impression.

• You have the right to dress the way you choose, but be conscious & aware of the messages it may be sending to others & be prepared to deal with it.

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Safety Tips Before the First Date

• Obtain information about the person ahead of time.

• Consider going out with a group.

• Meet in public & agree to meet your date there.

• Let someone know the place & time of your date.

• Carry cash & a cell phone.

• Avoid being ALONE.

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The Date…• Sun & Sky followed all of the

safety dating tips that their friends gave them before their first date. Sun & Sky have just met at a cozy cafe’ & are now having a nice, casual lunch.

• What are some safety tips that they should be thinking about while they are on their first date?

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Safety Tips on the First Date

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• Say “no” when you feel uncomfortable.

• Trust your instincts.

• Pay attention to your date’s body language & behavior.

• Use alcohol responsibly (if legal ).

• Keep an eye on your drink.

• Consider using the “20 minutes rule”.

• Don’t share too much personal information.

Safe Topics to Discusson the First Date

• Where did you grow up?

• What do you like to do?

• Are you in school?/Do you work?

• Have you travelled anywhere?

• What do you like to eat?

• What kind of music do you like?

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Tips for Safe Conversations

• Do not interrogate your date – the person may get defensive/angry.

• Keep the conversation “light” – giving too much information may compromise your safety or your intentions may be misperceived .

• Pay attention to “red flags” in your date’s verbal & non-verbal communication. 13

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Ending the Date…

• Sun & Sky had a great time. They both want to see each other again. They are trying to figure out how they should end the date.

• Should they hug or kiss, shake hands, wave, or just say “thank you?”

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Suggestions After aGreat First Date

• Do what makes both of you feel comfortable.

• Don’t feel pressured into taking it to the “next level.”

• Go home separately.

• Follow-up with your date if you’re interested in meeting again.

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Suggestions After aNot-So-Great First Date

• Be aware that your date may perceive the outcome of the date differently from you.

• Be honest yet tactful about the date.

• Be firm in your response if your date is persistent.

• Do what feels comfortable for you.

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Dating for a While…

• Sun & Sky have been dating for almost two months. They are wondering if their relationship is healthy or unhealthy…

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Healthy or Unhealthy?

• Sky often tries to change the way Sun looks or acts.

• Sun gets angry & jealous when Sky talks to other classmates, but this makes Sky feel wanted & special.

• Sky constantly checks up on Sun throughout the day.

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An Update on the Relationship…

• Sun & Sky are approaching their six-month anniversary. As their friend, you are happy to know that their relationship has lasted this long. However, Sun just informed you that their relationship is becoming unhealthy.

• As a friend, what can you do to help Sun?

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Tips on Helping a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship

• Listen. – “I believe you.”

• Acknowledge. – “No one deserves to be hurt.”

• Express Concern. – “I am concerned for your safety.”

• Respect Their Choices. – “It’s important for you to make decisions that are best for you.”

• Be Supportive. – “You are not alone. I am here for you.”

• Remain Objective. – “Do you honestly think their behavior is acceptable?”

• Provide Encouragement. – “There are many resources that are anonymous & confidential.”

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Community Resources(refer to Emergency Contact card)

• Domestic Violence Action Center 808-531-3771

• Aloha Pride Center (support for LGBTI) 808-545-2848

• Sex Abuse Treatment Center 808-524-7273

• Na Loio (legal advice for immigrants)808-847-8828

• National Domestic Violence Hotline1-800-787-3224 TTY 1-800-787-3224

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KCC Resources• Counselors & Instructors

• LGBTI Campus Contact:Melvin Jadulangmelvinj@hawaii.edu734-9017

• Confidential Peer Educator Email: peered@hawaii.edu

• Campus Security:734-9900

Sun & Sky Now…

• Sun & Sky realized they were having relationship problems, so they decided to seek help through counseling & support groups.

• Let’s discuss some guidelines that they learned…

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What’s an Unhealthy Relationship?

When partners…• constantly nag or criticize each other.

• threaten or intimidate one another verbally.

• will not accept breaking up.

• use sex as a “bargaining chip.”

• abuse drugs or alcohol or pressure the other partner in to using them.

• insist on gaining access to private & social media accounts.

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What’s a Healthy Relationship?

When partners…• encourage shared & separate

friendships.

• treat themselves & each other with respect.

• do not use manipulation to get what they want.

• trust each other & are trustworthy.

• make positive statements about each other’s strengths & achievements.

• feel safe with one another.

Stay Tuned…Join us for

Dating & Relationships 101: Part 2

KCC Peer Mentors will explore the impact of healthy & unhealthy

relationships beyond the dating stage.

Thursday, February 141:15 pm-2:15 pm

Lama 11826

Questions?

Thank you for coming!

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