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To Tell or Not to Tell: You’re OK But Others Might Not Be

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA

West Chester, PA

adultADHDbook.com

Ari@TuckmanPsych.com

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Start with Self-Respect

There is nothing wrong with having ADHD. But private information is private. Insecurity makes messy situations messier—tell

too much or not enough.

The goal is to make well informed, well thought out decisions.

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You Are More than Your ADHD Even if it feels like your ADHD sometimes

rules your life, it is still only part of who you are. It’s something to deal with, but doesn’t define

you.

Value and appreciate your good qualities, hard earned skills, and successes.

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Disclosure Depends on Both People Disclosure depends on:

1. How you feel about yourself and your ADHD. The more secure in yourself you are, the more likely

you are to disclose in the right ways at the right times.

2. The other person’s trustworthiness and respectfulness.

Three Reasons to Not Disclose1. You can’t get the cat back in the bag.

2. Myths and misinformation abound.

3. People talk.

If you can live with these, then go for it!

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Is ADHD an Excuse or Explanation?

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Excuses

Excuses lower expectations because a person is seen as incapable.

This is ultimately disempowering because it relies on others to be forgiving—and not everyone will be.

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Explanations

Explanations offer understanding for why something is happening—and therefore what you can do about it.

The responsibility for change is on the individual to use that information productively. But there is power in that burden.

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Who’s in Control?

People who use excuses expect most of the change, flexibility, or accommodations to come from others. This leaves them passive and powerless.

Using ADHD as an explanation places most of the onus for improvement onto the person himself. With responsibility comes hope.

Talk Symptoms Before Diagnoses

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A Better Way

Talk symptoms before diagnoses: “I have trouble remembering to do things later.”

This avoids needing to get into the diagnosis if you don’t want to. You still can, but don’t have to.

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Ask for What You Need

Everyone has their individual strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and preferences. Don’t feel bad or apologize for yours.

Be specific. Explain how the other person stands to

benefit. Example: “So I need to write things down to

make it more likely that I will remember later.”

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Offer Permission

Don’t assume that other people will guess how best to respond to you—make it easy for them to get it right.

Think up your canned speeches beforehand.

Example: “If I forget to send you that email, just go ahead and email me.”

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Treatment Can Delay Disclosure Treatment can reduce your symptoms and

make your ADHD less visible. Gives you more of an option to not disclose.

A comprehensive treatment program includes: Education Medication and/or Cogmed Coaching Therapy

Sometimes It’s Worth Disclosing

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Relationships Live On Intimacy Intimacy and connection in relationships are

built by sharing personal information.

The good stuff is easy—true intimacy means also sharing the struggles, frustrations, disappointments, and places where you disagree.

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People Will Make Assumptions Whether you verbally disclose or let your

actions do it, people learn about you.

It’s better to actively shape those assumptions that people make of you, rather than letting them come to their own conclusions.

You May Need to Educate the Person

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It’s Getting Better. . .

The bad news: myths and misinformation about ADHD still abound.

The good news: it’s getting better.

But don’t assume that other people know everything they should. Even if they know about someone else’s ADHD,

they don’t know yours.

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Don’t Take It Personally

Some people simply lack accurate information.

Some people lack an open mind and don’t want to learn more. They know what they know and that’s the way the

world is. This says more about them than it does about

you.

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Do Some Educating

You may need to educate the other person: In your own words. With selected readings: books, magazines,

websites, recordings, etc. to lend more credibility.

Create a soundbite about how ADHD affects you in that setting, so you’re prepared.

Disclosure at Work

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Disclose Informally

Tell your boss what will make you a more effective employee.

The greater burden of effort is on you (or you at least need to earn your keep).

If you have to disclose, do it while there is still some good will left.

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Truth Is Earned

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The Truth Is Earned

Some people earn the privilege of private information—others don’t.

People who earn private information: Respond well when you tell them. Keep it private. Don’t use it against you later.

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Start Small

We test out new people with less sensitive information and see how they handle it.

Strong relationships are built over time—the right amount of time.

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Relationships Need Truth

Intimacy requires open honesty—this is what separates intimate relationships from acquaintances.

Relationships are tested by the truth and hopefully made stronger.

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Earn Others’ Truth

Think about how you react to people in your life—are you making it easy for them to be honest and open?

If you tend to react strongly: Ask for a heads up, when possible. Work on your apologies. Make your intentions clear. Be sure to come back around to discuss it further.

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How Does the Person Respond? A person’s response to your disclosure tells

you something about him.

You can use the truth preemptively—just put it out there in the beginning to save time later if they have a bad reaction.

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Disappointment Maybe; Shame No If you disclose something and the person

reacts really badly, it may be surprising, disappointing, or frustrating.

But don’t take their bad response personally and feel shame about the personal information—their reaction is not the final judgment of truth.

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Take a Stand

There are times when it’s worth outing yourself for the greater good. Or at least making a corrective statement.

Make an informed choice—you know the potential price and are willing to pay it. It’s about principal, not impulsivity.

A Happy Relationship in 12 Jokes or Less 32

Book for Clinicians

“… it is a real pleasure to read Tuckman's superbly rendered book on ADHD in adults, for it is so well-reasoned, science-based, information-rich, to the point, and finally—useful! Apart from wishing I had written it, I sincerely wish that you will read it.”

—Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.

A Happy Relationship in 12 Jokes or Less 33

Book for Adults

“Written in a clear and easy-to-understand style, the book brings together a vast amount of information, ideas, suggestions, and research. All adults with ADHD can benefit from this book, as well as all people who care about them.  Superb!”

—Ned Hallowell, M.D.

Acceptance is Empowering: Control What You Can, Let Go of

the Rest 34

adultADHDbook.com

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