10 Universal Principles for Change: Become Who you Want To Be

Stan Goldberg, Ph.D.

©2011     By the look on the doctor’s face, she knew they wouldn’t be trading jokes and

banter today. In the past, his easy-going manner had always put her at ease. He may

not have been the most competent physician, but at least he was more caring than the

others she encountered since moving to Florida. She sensed something was terribly

wrong. And it scared her.

“Your cholesterol level is over 300.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“For the general population, that’s very bad. With your

family history of heart disease, you are at an immediate risk of

either having a heart attack or a stroke.”

My mother enjoyed her retirement for three years. Her life as a widow was much

better than she expected, and in the company of other widows and older couples, she

was thriving. There were new activities, new friends and even visits to exotic

destinations. There was still much she wished to do. And with four grandchildren, it was

as if her life was beginning again after 20 years of waiting on customers in my father’s

grocery store.

“What can I do?” she said.

“You need to cut out foods with cholesterol and begin an exercise program.”

“But how do I do that?”

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I’m a doctor, not a physical trainer.”

Although she desperately wanted to change, she didn’t know how, and her

efforts, while deliberate, weren’t successful. Despite her best efforts to change a

lifetime of poor nutrition and no exercise, my mother died of a heart attack two years

later. When I boxed the contents of her apartment, I found 14 self-help books on diet

and exercise. Each offered general philosophies and broad ideas, none the specifics

necessary for her to save her life.

We Know What to Change, But Not How How often have you started a diet or joined a health club? Each time your

determination to succeed was strong and you saw a “new” you in 30 days. Despite your

good intentions, you probably are still looking for the right diet or that perfect health club

where trainers magically transform your body into the image of a god or goddess. And

as a caregiver, how frustrated did you become when you couldn’t

construct a simple way for your loved one to adapt to the changes

occurring in their mind or body?

Unless you are a master of self-delusion, these events, and

scores of others you can probably add, have occurred repeatedly

and have done little other than to impair your self-image and foster a

sense of guilt because you failed. Failure didn’t occur from lack of motivation, but most

likely because you didn’t know how change. Most of us know what we want to change,

but don’t know how to do it.

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The purpose of this booklet is to help you to learn 10 principles that will enable

you to change behaviors and attitudes with which you are dissatisfied. This booklet is

not a quick-fix, crash program, or cookbook method for changing all behaviors. Rather,

it is a simple, structured approach to life-long personal change. There is an old adage

which states “give a farmer food and he can eat for one day, give him seeds and tools

and he can eat for the rest of his life.” Like the farmer, in this booklet you will be given

the tools.

   

WHERE DID THESE PRINCIPLES COME FROM?

  As a speech-language pathologist and Professor Emeritus at San Francisco

State University, I spent 30 years teaching students, clients, and families how to

change. For the last 10 years I’ve consulted with major corporations, non-profits, and

individuals who wish to change something about their organization or individual

behaviors. For the last 8 years I’ve been a bedside

hospice volunteer and caregiver serving people

struggling to accept the changes they experience from

chronic and terminal illnesses. What I’ve found is that

the basic structure of change is the same whether it

was my mother trying to lower her cholesterol, my son learning how to ride a bike, a

client struggling to speak fluently, an Alzheimer’s patient trying to add structure to her

life, a caregiver learning how to adjust to her new identity, or patients preparing to die.

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A Highway of Change

You have a destination in mind and hope to arrive there by nightfall. On your

journey, you may encounter problems over which you have no control, such as detours

and traffic jams. Others, however, are of your own making. While talking on your cell

phone, you begin drifting into a lane of on-coming

cars. Quickly you move back, but your driving

triggers a heated conversation with your spouse. As

you argue, you unknowingly increase your speed,

just as a police car approaches from behind. You

didn’t deliberately drive carelessly. You were so preoccupied with other things, you

weren’t aware of your driving. Just as careless driving may prevent you from getting to

your destination, being unaware of factors affecting change erects barriers between

who you are and who you want to become.

You will be given a simple, straight-

forward road map of change. If you are driving

from San Francisco to Los Angeles, you want to

know what route to take, not the history of

California freeways, the politics of highway

construction, or whether or not you should be

going to Los Angeles. Think of the 10 principles as the mechanics of change regardless

what your goal is.

Your map of change begins by knowing the route. If it’s an old behavior you’re

trying to change or eliminate, it’s probably something that’s been with you for a long

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time; something that occurs with as much thought as your breathing. If it’s a new

behavior you want to develop, most likely, you’re not sure how to go from where you are

to where you want to be.

Clinical research and experience has shown that it takes time to change. Some

say the magic number is thirty days of doing the new behavior before it becomes

automatic. I’m not sure about the number, but we do know that the longer a behavior is

done, the more likely it will become a part of you.

Deceptively Simple

The 10 principles may seem deceptively simple. However, each one is based on

years of research and practical applications. For example, Principle 1: Small Successes

Rather than Big Failures, resulted after I worked with hundred’s clients who strove for a

series of easily obtainable successes, rather than going for “the big one.” For example,

a woman whose husband died feared social situations after his death. She believed that

the only way of getting over her fears was to “tough it out.” She decided to interact with

old friends at the same frequency as before the death of her husband. It was a disaster.

Her life became more positive by beginning with a small amount of contact, then

increasing the amount by 15 minutes each week. She experienced multiple small

successes, rather than massive failures.

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THE PRINCIPLES

1. Small Successes Rather Than Big Failures  

We want to build up our muscles to look like Arnold Schwartzenegger in a month

and to be as supple as a TV exercise guru in a week. I remember a number of years

ago when I was learning to play the banjo. I had decided that I must practice at least

one hour a day in order to improve my playing. I was elated after accomplishing my

goal on the first day. I actually achieved something

that was unthinkable to me the prior week. On the

second day, I was less excited at the prospect of

practicing, but I did it anyway. By the third day, I

began inventing excuses for not practicing. By the

sixth day, my banjo was back in its case where it remained for 10 years.

When I started playing the shakuhachi (Japanese Bamboo flute), I planned to

practice for only 15 minutes a day for the first week, and then gradually increase my

practice time each subsequent week. After the first day, I still felt hungry for more

practice time and couldn’t wait until the next day to continue. My feelings were the same

on the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh days. I was excited about increasing

my practice time from 15 to 20 minutes the following week. It has now been three years

since I started on my new practice schedule, and I still feel excited about practicing

each day.

Select a series of very small goals that will lead you to your ultimate one. A good rule of thumb is, the smaller the step, the more likely you will succeed.

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2. Know More, Do Better  

  When I did therapy in the Communicative Disorders Clinic at San Francisco State

University, I found that if clients knew where they are going in therapy, and how they

would get there, they changed more quickly because they understood the process

better. The same is true for any kind of change.

Nothing should be mysterious, a part of a philosophy,

a theory, or based on faith. Just “toughing it out”

regardless how difficult the change is a formula for

failure.

Think of change as if it is an escalator. You get

on at one end, and if you don’t jump off or try to go

the wrong way, you’ll make it to the other end with no

effort. Although there is effort in change, it can be

structured so that it’s almost as easy as not changing.

Once you understand the principles, and why they work, if you apply them, you will change.

3. All Behaviors are Complex

  I remember watching a mentally disabled adult learning how to wash dishes in a

restaurant. His trainer would meticulously breakdown each of the activities into small

steps. Then each step was explained and practiced. Finally, the steps were put

together, and the person practiced the activity. It was excruciating for the chef to watch.

Here was something that she felt should require no thought at all. “After all,” she said,

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“You don’t hire brain surgeons to wash dishes!” As she

continued her preparation for the next meal service, her

annoyance slowly became transformed into admiration,

both for her new dishwasher and the trainer. After one

hour, the dishwasher had learned the same tasks that it

would have taken 2 minutes for someone without a

cognitive impairment to learn, but with a major

difference. Not only had he learned his assignment

flawlessly, but each aspect of the task was perfectly performed.

While chopping lettuce, she had a revelation. If dish washing could involve as

many steps as she witnessed, what about her own cooking activities? She began

looking at various tasks, such as salad preparation, sauce-making, plate presentations,

and grilling. She was amazed that each of these activities which she had been

performing for 15 years was really a series of activities, some of which she performed

perfectly, while others were less then adequate. For the next month, the chef diligently

worked on each of the components which she was dissatisfied with, eventually

developing food presentations that resulted in both her and her restaurant receiving

acclaims in the newspaper.

Just as in this example where something was achievable through a development

of fundamentals, so is it possible to change a behavior or acquire a new one if a

foundation of knowledge is developed. The dishwasher and the world-class chef, while

from two different worlds, both used the same procedures for becoming proficient at the

behaviors they chose to develop—they broke down their tasks into smaller units.

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Assume that any behavior or attitude you want to change has many parts, each of which has to be addressed.  

4. Too Much Pain, No Gain

    I remember years ago in a karate class hearing an instructor say “No pain, No

gain” as the class began a very painful stretching exercise. Unfortunately, I believed

him. I thought that the only way I could become limber enough to do the required kicks

was to experience intense pain for 15 minutes at

the beginning of each class. The beauty of

karate that I visualized rapidly became

transformed into an activity that was associated

with intense pain. Needless to say, I quit after 3

weeks. The motto “No pain, No gain” may be appropriate for those who have a macho

credo of life, but it is a formula for failure for the rest of us. Too much pain, no gain!

Unless the rewards far outweigh the punishment, human beings do not continue

to engage in activities that are too painful or difficult to carry out, even over a short

period of time. For me, even the thought of effortless and graceful karate movements

could not outweigh the intense loathing I felt for the art as I sat on the floor and tried to

make my legs move in a way God never intended them to. You need to gradually

increase the difficulty of your activities, so that you never exceed the threshold of

acceptable physical, emotional or psychological pain.

Pain not only has negative effects on physical activities, but also on other forms

of behavior change. A number of years ago, a stutterer who had been seeing a well-

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known therapist, sought me out for therapy. One of the first questions I usually asked

clients was what types of therapies they experienced in the past. After he explained

what he had been doing with the therapist, I asked him to demonstrate the techniques

he had been taught. Immediately, he transformed his speech from one containing

severe stuttering, to one that was completely fluent and normal sounding. I listened to

him for five minutes before saying anything.

“Your speech is wonderful,” I said. “Completely fluent! Why are you coming to

see me? You sound terrific. Just keep using that technique.”

He took a deep breath before speaking again, this time stuttering as severely as

when he wasn’t using the technique. “The technique is too hard. You have no idea what

I had to do in order to use it for five minutes. Mentally, I’m exhausted. I can’t use it for

any length of time. It’s just too damn hard. I’d rather speak like this, than to speak

fluently using something that’s so difficult.”

My client’s willingness to accept a way of speaking that was embarrassing to

him, rather than using an exhausting technique was a revelation to me and resulted in a

series of experiments that convinced me change should at most, involve a minimal

amount of mental or physical discomfort. Given two paths, one easy and one difficult,

we tend to choose the easier one. It’s a natural human inclination. When human beings

are faced with two choices, to change or not to change, a difficult “change path” may not

be selected if the choice of maintaining the status quo is clearly easier.

Change should not be painful. If it becomes associated with pain, it becomes punishing. And rational people do not continue doing activities that are more painful than rewarding.  

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5. Go Slow, Go Small

  The philosopher Nietzsche wrote that if you gaze for long into the abyss, the

abyss, with all of it’s dread, gazes back at you. This is especially true with the process

of change. Change can be frightening. It involves giving up something that is known for

something unknown. Our natural inclination is to resist it, even if what we are

experiencing is less than ideal. It makes little sense to utter platitudes such as “We

should welcome change” or “We have nothing to fear except fear itself” or “Life is the

realm of possibilities.” It makes more sense to accept our natural fear of change and

attempt to work with it or around it.

We all have a tendency to want as much as we can get of a good thing, as

quickly as we can. More money, more luxury,

more friends, more food. We often relate “slow

and steady” with someone who is boring and has

no drive for life. We want it right here, right now,

and as much of it as we can get. Unfortunately, there are no overnight wonders in

change. Many overnight failures, few overnight successes. So take your time, you’re

about to enter a marathon, not a sprint.

A number of years ago there was a book written by the title Don’t Push the River.

The title and the contents of the book stressed the importance of understanding the

speed at which things should occur. And that when

something’s natural speed was altered, most likely

the event or process would result in failure. In the

area of change, the most common problem is that

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people try to make it happen too quickly and by increments that are too large. Just like

you can’t push the river, you won’t be able to change faster than you are capable of.

On my 52nd birthday, with arthritic hips that no longer allowed me to run, I

decided that I wanted to do long distance bike riding. A Century is the goal of all road

bike riders. It is a 100 mile race that can range from completely flat terrain to murderous

hills. When I informed my family, they looked at me as if I was crazy. I was riding my

bike for five days a week, for approximately five miles

a—that’s 25 miles a week. “How on earth can you think

about riding for 100 miles, with so little daily and weekly

mileage?” they said.

My family could only see the difference which

existed between five miles and 100 miles. An increment

so large, that it seemed unbridgeable. But I was thinking in much smaller steps. I was

told that if I could ride at least 70 miles a week, I could finish a Century. I would have

eight weeks to go from 25 miles a week to 70. That’s only an addition of 45 miles over

an eight week period, or a little more than five additional miles each week. Since I was

riding five days a week, that would mean that my daily mileage would need to increase

by only one mile each day. Where my family saw an unimaginable 100 miles, I saw only

one additional mile a day. There is an old Chinese saying that states “You cross the

river by stepping on one stone at a time.” If you think about small gradual changes,

you’ll arrive easily at the big ones before you even realize it.

 

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The greater the amount of change, the more the resistance and the more likely failure will result. The less the amount the change, the less the resistance and the more likely success will result.

6. Being is Easier Than Becoming.  

  We are all resistant to change, even when we say that we are not. This applies to

both individuals and groups. Studies have shown that often not knowing the effects of

the change will make us resistant to it. There is a certain amount of comfort in the status

quo. Regardless of how dull or bad it may be, it still might be better than the unknown

consequences of the proposed change. I am reminded of the story about a dog laying

on the front porch of a house and howling very loudly. A stranger walked by and asked

the old man in the rocking chair next to the dog what was wrong. The man puffed on his

pipe and then said, “He’s laying on a thorn.” The

stranger then said, “Well how long has he been

doing that?” The old man replied, “Oh, I think about

eight hours.” Horrified, the stranger said, “Well why

doesn’t he just move off of it?” The old man thought

for a minute, took another puff on his pipe and said, “I guess he forgot what it feels like

not to be laying on a thorn.”

We all have a natural fear of the unknown. We look into it and see Nietzsche’s

abyss, and all of the imaginable demons it holds. Instead of finding out what is actual

and what is fantasy, just like the dog, we often choose to hold on to dysfunctional

behaviors, despite the grief it causes us.

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It is natural to resist change since we don’t know the effects of it. To reduce the anxiety, reduce the size of the change.  

 7. New Behaviors are as Fragile as Baby Birds

  I have found that as important as success is in changing behaviors, rapid

success can be a deterrent. When someone succeeds rapidly they believe the behavior

is mastered. With this delusion, they also put in less effort at practicing the basics of the

new behavior. “After all,” they say, “If I’m doing it

right after just a few minutes,” why do I need to

continue practicing?” If only life and change

would be that simple! If you’re doing something

for a long period of time, it is more automatic

than conscious. You do it without thinking. The old behavior as many associations

attached to it and the new behavior has few.

A client of mine wanted to become less judgmental of others. We designed a

series of activities where she could practice listening and accepting of views different

from her own. After 10 minutes she believed she knew what to do and therefore didn’t

need to practice it. The first time she got into an argument with her husband, her old

judgmental self erupted when her husband pushed the right buttons.

The more embedded the behavior is in your subconscious, the longer it will take to change and the more effort will be needed to practice the basics.

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8. Show It Slowly

Change that is rapid is very fragile and often will frighten the person who is

changing and those who experience the change. I remember one of my professors in

college who had a deserved reputation among his colleagues

and students for being mean-spirited. Although brilliant in his

area, his interaction with everyone was acerbic. During one

weekend he came to the realization that his way of interacting

with people only resulted in isolation and unhappiness. He

resolved to radically change himself overnight. On the

previous Friday morning before his psychological awakening,

he came to class dressed in his usual conservative suit and tie, critically chastised his

students, and then in the afternoon sarcastically responded to his colleagues during the

weekly staff meeting. On the following Monday after his “rebirth,” he came to class

wearing an unbuttoned flowing shirt, typically worn by the “love generation” in the

1970's, a medallion around his neck with a peace symbol, frizzed-out hair and sandals.

During his class, he tried to be sincere, listened to his stunned students and continually

responded to questions with “That’s a really great question,” which during the previous

week would have resulted in a scathing attack. In the afternoon, he casually strolled into

various colleagues offices and attempted to be personable, asking them how they were

feeling and how their families were doing. Although this attempt at transforming himself

was genuine, it scared everybody, including himself. Nobody knew this “new” person or

how to react to him. Being open, kind, and hospitable was totally foreign to the

professor, although it was something he aspired to become.

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Nobody knew how to react to the new set of behaviors which mysteriously and

cataclysmically appeared overnight. Nobody was prepared to develop a warm

relationship overnight with someone they had previously disliked. Within a week, the

love generation clothes were shed in favor of the conservative suit, and the negative

behaviors that had been a part of his life for so long returned.

Change your behaviors slowly, selecting little pieces of what will change, then practice them consistently until both you and the people you interact with feel comfortable with them.  

8. Practice, Practice, Practice

    Complicated behaviors, activities and thoughts are all built on a foundation of

knowledge. Great jazz musicians do not develop improvisational techniques in isolation.

This incredible ability is dependent upon having an intimate knowledge of individual

notes, cords, and cord progressions. The basketball player, who seems to effortlessly

fly past the defense and miraculously sends the ball through a hoop hitting only net, has

practiced for thousands of hours,

perfecting each component of his move.

The furniture craftsperson, who produces

beautifully designed and finished tables,

spent many years understanding the

complexities of design and the finishing

characteristics of various types of wood.

The complexities of activities such as these are routinely accepted. Everyone

would agree that they are complicated and require dedication and an understanding of

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the basics upon which the activity is grounded. But what about changing personal

behavior? Few people would equate a LeBron James “spin and dunk move” with the

elimination of procrastination in the work place, the development of public speaking

skills, or the acceptance of a new identity following a disabling condition. Yet each of

these more similar than dissimilar to a LeBron James’ basketball move.

One big difference is that for behaviors such as those mentioned above, we don’t

think about practicing them, or if we do, it’s often sporadic or unstructured. When I first

practiced fly casting, I went to the casting ponds in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco.

Not only didn’t I know what I was doing, but my practice

times were random. One week I practiced for two

consecutive days for two hours each day, then I didn’t return

for another three weeks, practicing for only 10 minutes for

one day. Four weeks later I cast my line for three minutes.

My casting ability didn’t improve until I developed a

systematic method and time structure for my practice

sessions.

There was a popular television advertisement for shoes that showed various

athletes doing incredible fetes of strength and skill. At the end of the commercial was a

simple statement that said “Just do it.” The implication was that to improve at

something, all you have to do is begin doing it. Yes and no. Yes, if you spend your time

just thinking about something, you never will do it. No, just jumping into an activity

without thought probably will not result in improvement. More likely failures will occur. It

is important that when doing a change activity, its structure helps you succeed. There is

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the old joke about someone who is visiting New York City and asking a local how to get

to Carnegie Hall. The response from the wise-cracking New Yorker was “Practice,

practice, practice.”

In the area of behavior change, it’s not a joke. If there is one thing that is

probably responsible for 90 % of all failures, it is the lack of consistent practice.

Practice does not have to be boring. If done correctly, it can be both exciting and result in accurately knowing when a behavior has really been mastered.  

10. Do It Often, Everywhere

  When we learn a new behavior, we would like it to occur in many situations. For

example, if you’re on a diet, you would like to eat smaller portions, not only at home, but

in restaurants. If we are trying to become a better listener, you would like to use the

skills with both friends and family. This is

called generalization. Generalization occurs

when you use strategies for producing the

new behavior in many settings. For example,

I served a man with congestive heart failure

those physician had suggested he drink a

certain amount of water each day, spaced out in four intervals. Too little and he would

become dehydrated. Too much, and the water would be uncomfortably retained. He

was never sure how much he drank. Usually, it was too much. I suggested that there be

one bottle with lines drawn on the outside with times he could drink. Those graphics

became a strategy that he was able to effectively use to monitor his water intake. We

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used a similar strategy (putting stickers on a clock) when he was supposed to move

about his room.

Rarely is a behavior acquired to be used in only one setting. Therefore, it is important that you construct your activities so that the behaviors can be generalized.  

The Next Step

Now it’s time for you to look at your history and do a bit of analysis. On the next

page is a simple grid that you can use to analyze your best successes and worst

failures at changing. I suggest you use the extremes because it makes it easier to see

the patterns that exist. The column on the far left is the list of the 10 principles. The next

column is used for identifying one notable success. The final column is for one notable

failure. Once you’ve identified a success and a failure, then check off which principles

were present. If you’re like most people, you’ll find that the more principles that you

used, the more likely you were successful.

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Successful Unsuccessful

_________________ _____________________

Small Successes Rather Than Big Failures

Know More, Do Better

All Behaviors are Complex

Too Much Pain, No Gain

Go Slow, Go Small

Being is Easier Then Becoming

New Behaviors are as Fragile as Baby Birds

Show It Slowly

Practice, Practice, Practice

Do It Often, Everywhere

In this booklet I’ve tried to explain how successful change is based on ten

clinically and real-world tested principles. It may not be possible for you to use all 10

principles. If you can’t, a good rule of thumb is the more of them you use, the more

likely it is that you’ll be successful in changing.

For each principle, there can be a large number of specific strategies, depending

upon what it is you want to change. Becoming more proficient at running might be

easier and take fewer steps, than becoming more accepting of people who become

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demanding because of a chronic illness. Please let me know if you found this book

helpful in understanding the basics of personal change and would be interested in a

more extensive book covering strategies of change for a multitude of behaviors and

attitudes.

If you found this booklet useful, I will be grateful if you recommend it to your

friends. They, just as you, can get it free by signing up for my monthly articles at

stangoldbergwriter.com. This booklet, and all future ones, will only be available to

people on my mailing list.

Good luck