11/04/23 C.: Growthability Consultants 1

Letter to my Father. 1980.

Ingrid M. Hindell.

Sharing what we all need to know!

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Dear Dad,

This is the second letter I am writing to you in three months and again it's because I want to tell you something I find hard to put into words. You may find it strange that this letter is addressed to you personally. The fact is that Mum already knows what this letter contains and she and I have discussed this matter pretty fully.

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Oh God, if you only knew how hard this letter is to write. There are some things that are extremely difficult for parents to accept, however gently children try to phrase them.

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You may also wonder why I am giving this to you personally. It' s so you can discuss what I am going to say here after you have read it through. Then you can discuss it with Mum.

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I was waiting for you to ask me what I am going to do this week-end when you go to - that's why I was lotus gathering in your kitchen yesterday. The thing is, and now the truth cannot be put off any longer, ... is taking me out on the ferry boat on the Yarra on Saturday, and to the Dandenongs on Sunday, and I will very likely be spending Friday and Saturday nights with him.

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Please, please Dad, don't ask me what Mum asked, whether I have considered this fully. This is not something I would undertake without giving it some agonising consideration, and it is something I feel I have to do.

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I should tell you, I think, because you will understand, that for a long time I will never get married. Maybe this will sound corny, because many disabled people do get married, but most of them are less disabled than I am, and the ones who aren't are mostly men.

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This is because women are expected and expect to be the nurturers and carers in modern society, and are able to envisage caring for a disabled partner. I, therefore (maybe wrongly) feel that I would like to take care of a house, sew, cook, and clean, before I get married.

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I accept the way society is and the sexes work. but Dad, I don't believe in celibacy any more . If I did, for whatever reason, it would be O.K. Anyway, I don't believe in it for me.

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I know I am a daughter, and I know I am disabled, but I hope you will understand. I don't expect you to approve of what I am doing in fact, maybe you will find it devastatingly hard to comprehend that I am contemplating such an action, but somehow I don't think you will!

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I'm sure I have never spoken to you this intimately before, but I would rather tell you where I am than not.

This way if I am out at night, all night even, you won't wonder what has happened to me.

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… is a good man Dad. He is gentle and kind, but I am not in love with him. Maybe that shocks you but I think that is one question you would like to ask me, but may be too embarrassed to do so.

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As I said, I found this difficult to bring this up last night. Mum is sure that telling you something like this would give you heart failure on the spot. That's why I decided to write this – I am always better at explaining things on paper.

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And I think you deserved this long letter, instead of just "Dad, I'm going to spend the week-end with… Just a bald statement. I did not know how to do it any other way, at first, but this letter might, indeed will, give you a clearer insight into me at this time.

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Once you absorb this letter, you might be awfully worried that I am going to be hurt. I have not even started two or three relationships because of that fear, but this time I decided not to hang back any more.

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Well, I can't say any more, except to affirm that I love you and to sincerely hope that you will not be too distraught at what I have said in this letter.

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By the way, Peter and Maree (my brother and sister-in-law) know about this, if you ever want to discuss it with them.

Your Daughter, grid.