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International Conflict

Resolution Day

Calming Upset People using

E.A.R.October 15, 2015

Calming Upset People Using E.A.R.

Add: Instructors

Add: Organization

E.A.R. DefinedEMPATHYATTENTION RESPECT

*used with permission from the High Conflict Institute

E.A.R. StatementsEmpathy:

“I can hear how upset you are.”

Attention:

“Tell me what’s going on.”

Respect:

“I share your concerns about this problem and respect your efforts to solve it.”

Empathy

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Empathy Exercise1.Refer to EMPATHY section on worksheet

2.Discuss question 1 and 2 as a large group

3.Develop an empathetic response to each statement

4.For the “your situation” – think of an emotional attack/ statement/ accusation that was made against you.

a.Write down the statement

b.Write an empathetic response for it.

*Please note that you will use this same situation for the rest of the exercises

Empathy Statements “I can see how important this is to you.”

“I understand this can be frustrating.”

“I know this process can be confusing.”

“I’m sorry to see that you’re in this situation.”

“Let’s see if we can solve this together.”

“I’d like to help you if I can.”

Attention“Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ‘Make me feel important’.”

Mary Kay Ash

Ways to Pay Attention

Non-Verbal

Good eye contact

Nod your head

Lean In

*Caution: direct touch

Verbal

“I will listen as carefully as I can.”

“I will pay attention to your concerns.”

“Tell me what’s going on.”

“Tell me more!”

Respect“Respect is the personal, open-hearted consideration of another human as being of equal worth to ourselves, whoever they are, whatever they have done.”

Alan Sharland, Mediator & Conflict Coach

Respect Exercise1.Refer to RESPECT section on worksheet

2.Discuss question 1 and 2 as large group

3.Develop a respectful response to each statement

4.For the “your situation” – think of an emotional attack/ statement/ accusation that was made against you.

5.Write down the statement and then a respectful response to it.

*Please note that you will use this same situation for the rest of the exercises

Respect Statements “I can see that your are a hard

worker.”

“I respect/value your commitment to solving this problem.”

“I respect/appreciate your efforts on this.”

“I respect/value your success at accomplishing _______.”

“You have important skills that we need here.”

Why is E.A.R. Important?

Putting It All Together

1. Refer to last page of worksheet and discuss as a large group

2. For the “your situation” (individually)

a.Write down the statement

b.then an E.A.R. response for it.

3.Role play the statement with the other person and actually say it out loud

4.Provide feedback

5.Switch

Self Management

Tips for Remaining Calm

Remember - It’s Not About You!!!

Monitor what you’re thinking and feeling

What is going on for me? What am I telling myself about

what is going on? What assumptions am I making?

Pitfalls to AvoidDon’t LieYou don’t have to listen

foreverE.A.R. doesn’t mean you agree

or disagreeMaintain an “arms-length”

relationship

Calming Upset People using E.A.R.

Resources/Websites

Add: Instructor’s Organization/Website/Telephone

Alberta Conflict Resolution Day

www.conflictresolutionday.ca

Alberta Dispute Resolution Network

justice.alberta.ca/programs_services/mediation/drn

High Conflict Institutite

www.HighConflictInstitute.com

Thank you for participating in

Conflict Resolution Day!