Contents

AppendicesForewordMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsChallengesIntroductionAbouttheAuthor

1RulesforLivingEveryMomentRule1-BeKindtoYourselfRule2-HaveFunRule3-WorkHard

2RulesforLivingWithYourselfRule4-LiveinthePresentRule5-FocusontheProcessRule6-PauseRule7-LaughRule8-CreateNewHabits

3RulesforLivingwithOthersRule9-RespectPPIsRule10-AvoidUSSsRule11-ListenRule12-BeKindtoOthersRule13-HelpOthers

4RulesforMakingGoodDecisionsRule14-ListentoYourHeartRule15-TakeRisksRule16-YoursquoreFreetoChangeYourMindatanyTime

Rule17-WelcomeMistakes

5RulesforAchievingYourGoalsIntroductionThePerfectRecipeRule18-ZerotoOneRule19-BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20-SetGoalsNotExpectations

6TheFinalRuleRule21-QuestionAllRules

AppendicesA-TreatYourselfB-LearningtoPauseC-TooManyBadHabitsD-RecruitStrongPartners

E-HowGoodaListenerAreYouF-TheHumanTranslatorG-WillYouPleaseJustListenH-LearningHowtoTakeRisks

I-OnthePhysicsofRocks(goal-setting)J-HowManyBumpsHaveYouHadTodayK-AreYouaLightSwitchoraDimmerL-WeHaveVeryHighExpectationsofourStudents

MyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsQuestionsaboutLivingEveryMoment(Rules1-3)

Q1-DoyoutreatyourselfkindlyQ2-Ishavingfunaskill(andrelatedquestions)Q3-Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

QuestionsaboutLivingWithYourself(Rules4-8)Q4-HowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentQ5-WhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoyQ6-HowoftendoyoupauseQ7-Doeslaughterandsmilingmakeyoufeelbetter

Q8-Doyouoftenthinkaboutyourhabits

QuestionsaboutLivingWithOthers(Rules9-13)Q9-DoyourespectPPIsQ10-DoyoureceivemoreUSSsthanyoudeliverQ11-HowimportantislisteningQ12-WhatkindacthaveyoudonelatelyQ13-Whatrsquosthedifferencebetweenldquobeingkindrdquoandldquohelpingothersrdquo

QuestionsaboutMakingGoodDecisions(Rules14-17)Q14-HowdoyoumakedecisionsQ15-Howimportantisittobearisk-takerQ16-IsconsistencyoverratedQ17-Whatrsquosthedifferencebetweenamistakeandabaddecision

AQuestionaboutAchievingYourGoals(Rules18-20)Q18-WhendoesyourPGAbecomeself-critical

AQuestionaboutTheFinalRule(Rule21)Q21-Whatrulesmakenosense

ChallengesChallenges-LivingwithYourself

1ATreatyourself4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent5AInsearchofthehappymoment5BThecycleneverends5CCreatingatrigger

5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo6ACreateapersonaltrigger7ALaughingallthewaytowork8ACreateanewhabit5simplesteps

Challenges-LivingWithOthers9AR-e-s-p-e-c-t=t-c-e-p-s-e-R10AHowlongcanyouwait11ALendanear12AldquoThankyouforcallingandbestofluckrdquo13ATheredlightchallenge

Challenges-MakingGoodDecisions14ATherersquosnosuchthingasabaddecision15AOhgoaheadtakearisk

17AAfteryournextmistake17BTrimyourldquoregretcyclerdquo

Challenges-AchievingYourGoals18AHowsharpisyourknife19AWhilelyinginbed19BldquoOuttolunchbebackinanhourrdquo

Foreword

ThisbookisperfectformyfriendMitchWilliamswhosohetellsmeoftenstartsreadingbooksinthemiddleIdonrsquotquiteunderstandhowhedoesthatIrsquoveheardhimexplainitadozentimesldquoYesIjustopenthebookinthemiddleandstartreadingrdquo

HonestlyIdonrsquotgetitbutinthiscasewith21RuleshersquodbespotonbecausethisisnrsquotoneofthosebooksthatyoureadfronttobackItrsquosaskip-aroundbookGlancethecontentsenjoythepoignantquotesoneverypagePickitupputitdownDonrsquotmakeitachoreReadingshouldnrsquotbeachorePerhapsthatrsquosRule22

OhanddonrsquotmisstheAppendicesall12ofthemTheyrsquorechockfullofgreatwisdomndashnoneofitfrommeIrsquovesimplygatheredinsightfromworldexpertsandcondenseditforyou

Irsquovespentthebetterpartofmyadultlifereadingself-helpbooksandIfinallyrealizedthatitwastimetoputmyjournalisticbackgroundtouseSothisbookinessenceisacompilationofthewisdomsharedovertheyearsbyself-helpgurusIrsquovejustbroughtitalltogetherforyou

Irsquomhappytosharesomeofmyfavorites(Rules10and19topthechartalongwithAppendixFtitledldquoTheHumanTranslatorrdquo)butyoursquollsoonfindsomeofyourownandIrsquodlovetoknowwhattheyareSopleasesendalonganemail(steveferbergmailcom)toletmeknowAnddonrsquotbeshyIrsquodlovetohearfromyou

TheinspirationbehindthisbookofcoursearethefourwomenwithwhomIrsquommadlyinlovendashmywifeRoe(thisyearwecelebrateour35thyearofmarriage)andourdaughtersMelyssaNatalieandOliviaEachofthemisagiftfromheaveninsightfulstrongintouchmotivatedcaringandwiseIloveyou

AndIlovethefriendsandfamilywhowerekindenoughtoanswermyendlessseriesofquestionsandwhoallowedmetopublishtheiranswersinthis

book(inspecialsectionscallednotsurprisinglyldquoMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsrdquo)Stopandreadoneortwoyoursquollbeimpressedwiththeirinsight

SothankyoutomysisterIlenemysister-in-lawCaroleuncleAllanbrother-in-lawBrucecousinsChrisJillMarnieandSteeve(yesitrsquostwoersquos)andfriendsgalorendashBobbiCordingleyCarlEcksteinGailChmuraDaveRuppGaryMillerJoelAnnReaJoeBrancatelliJohnNelsonJerrySemperKathyDowdKarinUdlerMarleyCasagrandeMickeyFilipponiNatEmeryRonTaylorSheilaFilipponiVickiHutmanandVickiSullivan

IrsquodalsoliketothankJayDeegandesignerextraordinairewhodesignedsixversionsofthebookcoverandimpressesusdailywithhisgeniusAndfinallyaspecialthankyoutomygoodfriendandcolleagueElizabethBushwhotookthetimetoeditthisbookanddelightmewithhercommentssuggestionsandcritiqueSheisaspecialpersonIwisheachofyoucouldmeether

ThankyouforpickingthisbookupIhopethatithasmeaningforyou

SteveFerberCharlestonSouthCarolina

September2012

IntroductionTheWindowampTheWind

ldquoManrsquosgreatnessliesinhispowerofthoughtrdquo--BlaisePascal

Inlargemeasurethisbookisaboutourthoughtsthethoughtsthatourmindcreates and re-creates as we experience life Thoughts are said to be thewindowtoourlivesbutIbelievethattheyarethewindaswell

There is no escaping the notion that our thoughts define our entire humanexperience--theystandbehindeverywordthatwespeakeveryactionthatwetakeand(nearly)everyemotionthatwefeelYetknowingthiswespendbutafractionofourtimeexaminingourthoughtsInsteadwespendmuchofourdayrepeatingtiredandworn-outthoughtpatterns

ldquoThekeytoeverymanishisthoughtrdquo--RalphWaldoEmerson

This book is about changing those patterns about thinking new thoughtsaboutcapturingmorehappymomentsdeliveringmorelovingsmilesCentraltoourthemeisthenotionthatwecanchoosewhattothinkthatweactuallyhaveachoice about what private thoughts to ponder But do we Can we actuallychoosewhattothink

Basedonwhatweknowaboutthephysiologyofthebrain--ie theneuralcompetitionbetweenlogic(thecerebralcortex)andemotion(theamygdala)--itappearsreasonabletospeculatethat1Wehavesomeabilitytochoosewhatwethink (though our powerful emotional centers honed over 40000 years forsurvivalcaneasilyoverwhelmourlogicsystems)2Eachindividualrsquosabilitytoldquochooserdquovariesdramaticallygiventhateachhumanbeingisauniqueblendof

natureandnurture3Weallarecapableofimproving--thatiseachofuscanenhanceourabilitytochoose

DoWeReallyHaveaChoice

AsayoungsterthenateenagerandyoungadultIviewedchoiceasnothingmorethanldquoactivityselectionrdquoInthiscontextchoicemeantdecidingwhattodonextwithourpersonalandfamilytime

ldquoWhatbookshouldIreadnextrdquo

ldquoWhatrestaurantshouldwegotofordinnerrdquo

ldquoWhatTVshowshouldIwatchrdquo

ldquoEveryeventthatamanwouldmastermustbemountedontherunandnomanevercaughtthereinsofathoughtexceptasitgallopedpasthimrdquo

--OliverWendellHolmes

If we are fortunate our lives offermany such choices But the concept ofchoicegoesfarbeyondmereactivities--choiceencompassesallthatwesay(thewords thatwespeak) all thatwedo (theactionswe take) andas Iwill soonarguenearlyallthatwethink(thethoughtsthatfillourminds)

DoWeChooseWhattoSay

OfcourseAfteralltoavoidoffendingotherswithourwordswecansimplychoosenottospeak(howeverdifficultthatmayseemattimes)Eachdaywersquorefaced with thousands of decisions none more critical than knowing when tospeak and in turn knowing what to say The words that we speak haveenormous influence over our lives because they define the health of ourrelationshipsThisiswhywemustchooseourwordscarefullytomakecertainthatweavoidatallcostsspeakingharshlytothosewhomwelove

DoWeChooseWhattoDo

NoquestionIfwewantedtoavoidoffendingotherswithouractionswecansimplychoosenottoact--tositquietlyandobserveandcontemplate

ButOurThoughts

CanwereallychoosewhattothinkIbelievethatwecanIbelievethatitrsquospossibletomoveourpersonalthoughttrackseversogentlyinthedirectionthatwedesireGrantedourthoughtpatternsaredeeplyingrainedandmayindeedsolidify with age But study after study personal experience after personalexperienceaffirmsthatchangeispossible

ldquoLifeistheonlygameinwhichtheobjectofthegameistolearntherulesrdquo

--AshleighBrilliant

Thekeyofcourse isawarenessAfterallhowcanwechangeourpatternsunlessweknowwhattheyare

HiddenFromtheWorld

Byand largeourmentalhabits arehidden from theworldThatrsquoswhy itrsquoseasierforafriendtotellustostopsmoking(physicalhabit)thantostopbeingself-critical (mental habit) Chances are that our friends probably know howmanytimesadaywesmokeacigarettebuttheylikelyhavenoideahowmanytimesadayweprivatelycriticizeourselves

Theworldisobsessedwithimprovingourphysicalhabits--wersquoretoldtoeatamorenutritiousbreakfastexercisethreetimesaweeksleepafulleighthoursa night But where are the comparable preachings for improving our mentalhabits

Yesourmentalhabitsmaybehidden from theworldbut theyrsquorecertainlynothiddenfromusThetruthisifyoupauselongenoughtoactuallywatchyourthoughtstoobserveandanalyzethemyoursquollquicklynoticehowrepetitivetheyare Though each of us considers ourselves unique and mysterious andcomplextherealityisthatourthoughtpatternsourldquoprivatethoughttracksrdquoarequitepredictable

Rest assured just as our neural networks instruct our body to move in acertainway(eg tyingourshoelacesswingingagolfclub)thesesameneuralnetworks instruct ourmind to think in a certainway (eg getting upsetwhensomeonecutsusoffintraffic)

ldquoYoubecomewhatyouthinkaboutrdquo

--EarlNightingale

LetrsquostakeanexampleSaythataclosefriendtellsyouthatyoursquorebeingtoosensitive Chances are that the comment will trigger a sequence of familiarthoughts that leadyou to criticize bothyourself andyour friendThepatternsareall toofamiliar--someoneinsultsyouand inaninstantyourcerebralCDbeginsplayingldquoThoughtTrack25rdquo

OrsaythatapersonchallengesyourauthorityInpopsldquoThoughtTrack41rdquotriggeringawell-wornsequenceofangerandrevengeAndsoitgoesmomentbymoment day after daywe play our pre-recorded thought tracks over andoverandoveragain

Itdoesnrsquothave tobe thatwayWecandeletedislikable tracksandbegin tore-stockthe libraryWecandiscardportionsofour inventoryandcreatefreshnewtracksforthecomingseasonEasytodoOfcoursenotbuttherewardsaresubstantialAfterallasidefromfamilyandyourfriendswhatrsquosmorepreciousthanyourprivatethoughttime

LetrsquosGetPhysical

Irsquoveoftenwonderedwhywespendsomuchtimetryingtoalterourphysicalhabits (eg cutting down on food alcohol or tobacco) but so little on ourmental habitswhywe spend somuch time learning newphysical skills (egguitar tennis yoga computer skills) but so little learning newmental skillsPerhaps itrsquos because our physical habits are public or perhaps itrsquos becausetheyrsquorejusteasiertolearn

Perhaps But imagine the benefits of learning new mental skills Imaginebuildinganinternalsystemwherethoughtscreateconfidenceandself-esteem

Shouldnrsquotwebepayingmoreattentiontoourmentalhabits

CreatingPrivateWordsofEncouragement

WordsareamongmanrsquosmostpowerfulforcesyetweoftenneglecttoharnessthemIrsquomsurethatyoucanrecallamomentinyourlifewhenawordortwo--from a person that you respect -- led you to change a personal decision orperhapsmoredramatically thecourseofyour life Itmayhavebeenasimple

suggestion (ldquoWhy donrsquot you give them a callrdquo) or it may have been strongwordsofsupport(ldquotrustyourinstinctsrdquo)

ldquoEverythoughtwethinkiscreatingourfuturerdquo--LouiseLHay

Irefertotheseurgingsasldquopublicwordsofencouragementrdquobecausewetakethese publicwords and incorporate them into our private thoughts to help usshape future decisionsWe hear publicwords of encouragement not just fromfriends and relatives but from authors and politicians script writers and talkshowhosts1

WhynotlearntocreateourownldquoprivatewordsofencouragementrdquoWhynotstartlisteningtoourselvesItismyferventhopethat21RulesToLiveBywillhelpyoudojustthat

IrecallhowstandingatafuneralseveralyearsagoIstartedtoimaginewhateveryonewasthinkingItseemedthatatthissingularmomentallpettydisputeshaddissolvedalldailyworrieshaddiminishedDuringthisoneuniquemomentitappearedthatwewereallofonemind--sharingthoughtsofloveandwarmthoffriendshipandcompassionYethourslaterintheprivacyofourcarorourhome or our thoughts we quickly reverted to our hackneyed thought tracksthoughtsthatcriticizeandcondemndestroyanddiminish

ldquoThoughttakesmanoutofservitudeintofreedomrdquo--HenryWadsworthLongfellow

Now alone in the privacy of my car I asked myself since theyrsquore justthoughtswhatpreventsusfromcreatingandre-creatingthesamethoughtsthatwe experienced at the funeral If theyrsquore just thoughtswhat prevents us fromcreating themwhilewersquore sitting in trafficweeding thegarden or paying thebillsWhymustwereverttooldpatterns

TheanswerofcourseisthatweneednotAllweneedisanewsetoftools

InthephysicalworldwersquorepresentedwiththousandsoftoolseachcreatedandsoldonthepromisethattheyrsquollsaveyoutimeorincreaseproductivityButrarearethetoolsdesignedtohelpusimproveourmentaloutlookShouldnrsquotwespendmoretimeshoppingforthem

MatchingtheMoments

21RulestoLiveByisonesuchtooldesignedtorelieveanxietyandtensionto diminish anger and aggravation to redirect your thoughts to a happier andhealthierplace

Oneofmyprimarygoalsinwriting21Ruleswastomakeitpracticalthatistoofferspecificldquowordsofencouragementrdquothatyoucouldsharewithyourselfatjusttherightmoment

Whatmomentsarewetalkingabout

diamsmomentswhenyoursquorestrugglingwithlifersquosuncertainties(Rules1-3)

diams moments when yoursquore overwhelmed with anxiety trying to calm yournerves(Rules4-8)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoreinteractingwithanotherpersonbe it a familymember a close friend or a newacquaintance (Rules 9-13)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoretryingtomakeadecision(Rules14-17)

ldquoThenoblestpleasureisthejoyofunderstandingrdquo--LeonardoDaVinci

diams moments when yoursquore creating then striving to reach a personal goal(Rules 18-20) and diams moments when yoursquore frustrated by people orinstitutionsthatremainunwillingtochange(Rule21)

In its simplest form 21 Rules To Live By is a ldquohow-tordquo journal offeringspecificwordsofencouragementforsomeoflifersquosmostanxiety-filledmomentsToo often after reading a self-help book I was left wondering ldquoOK IunderstandwhattheauthorissayingButnowwhatdoIdotocalmdowntofeelbettertofeelmorerelaxedrdquo

With this inmind I crafted each of the 21 ruleswith specificmoments inmindTheconceptwaswheneveroneof thesemomentspresenteditself therewouldbearule--awordofencouragementofguidance--tohelpbringusbacktocentertoeasetheanxietyortheangst

Examplewhenyoursquorestuckinmind-numbingtrafficandyourtemperatureisstarting to rise turn to Rule 4 (Live in the Present) or Rule 5 (Focus on the

Process) Or perhaps yoursquore privately negotiating a career change -- Rule 14(ListenToYourHeart)canhelp

Step1

Mind you the concept of linking words to moments may seem far toosimplistic to generate meaningful long-lasting change Consider then theserulesthesewordsasafirststeptowardsbuildingnewthoughthabitsnewwaysofthinkingaboutourdayrsquostravailsThetruthiswhilelifeisbothdynamicandunpredictable our thought tracks often are not and the more quickly werecognizethisandtakestepstochangethemthehappierwewillbe

ldquoItrsquosonlyathoughtandathoughtcanbechangedrdquo--LouiseMay

Onapersonalnote Ioftenhaveused theserulesduring timesofstressandfrustration and I am pleased to report have experienced notable successNaturally Irsquom not always soothed by just words (intense moments seem tooverwhelmmyability to listen)Butmore thannot theseprivatewordshavehelped my mental outlook releasing my private thoughts to travel in newdirections In essence these rules have helped createmoremental timemoretimeformetodreamandcreateinsteadofgrouseandcomplain

Myhopeisthatasyoureadthisbookyoursquollfindaruleortwothatworksforyou (naturallymorewould bewonderful)My hope is that yoursquoll find a rulethatwhenappliedatjusttherightmomentbringsyouasenseofinnercalmorpeace and lasts formore than amoment If that should be the case Iwill bepleasedbeyondmeasure

This book is not intended as a scientific journal (though itrsquos pepperedwithreferences) nor does it aim to explore the physiology of the human thoughtprocess(itdoestouchbrieflyonauditoryandvisualcues)Insteadthisbookissimplyabidtoofferpersonalwordsofencouragementthatyoucansharewithyourselfasyourmomentsunfold

Why21

Iselectedldquo21rdquorulesforahighlyscientificreasonallthreeofourdaughters(MelyssaNatalieampOlivia)andnowourfirstgrandchild(Emery)arebornonthe21stMywifeRoedeliveredallthreegirlsnaturallythatisnoscheduledC-

sectionsMymotherlovedthecoincidenceofnaturebecauseitwaseasyforhertorememberhergranddaughtersrsquobirthdates--sheonlyneededtorememberthemonth (September February and March by the way just in case yoursquoreplanningtobuyagift)Naturallysincethebirthofourdaughtersthenumber21hasbecomesomethingofafamilyemblemnottomentionthatblackjackismyfavoritecardgame

ldquoThoughtshavepowerthoughtsareenergyAndyoucanmakeyourworldorbreakitbyyourownthinkingrdquo

--SusanTaylor

WhyThese21

Theprocessofselectingthe21ruleswastobesureatouchmorescientificIt involvedmatching lifersquosmoments (eg alonewith our thoughts talking toothersmakingdecisions settinggoals)withspecific rules (it shouldbenotedhowever that the list of 21 is not necessarily in order of importance insteadtheyrsquoregroupedaccordingtomomentstofacilitaterecall)

TheongoingdebatewithinthefamilycontinuesoverRule1ForthebetterpartofadecadeRule1was toldquohavefunrdquo(itrsquosstill in themixdonrsquotworry)MywifeRoeandIstressed this rulebecauseparticularlyon theathletic fieldplayersoften forgot to enjoy themselves Instead theathletic fieldbecameyetanotherbattlegroundofegoandpersonalityToooftenyoungathletesweretoldto focus on winning instead of effort to emphasize aggression instead ofcompassion (no wonder we struggle to build tolerance between races andnations)SoldquohavingfunrdquobecameacentralfamilythemeThefactthatitrsquosbeensupplanted by a new1will likely stir family debates for the next decade ortwo

DonrsquotMissTheseIf yoursquore tight for time make sure you that donrsquot miss these three

passages (some of my favorites) -- ldquoYou Donrsquot Need More Self-Disciplinerdquo (page 68) --TheFirm-FlexContinuum (Rule 19 page169)and--LaughingAlltheWay(page62)

ldquoTheLawofAttractionattractstoyoueverythingyouneedaccordingtothenatureofyourthoughtlifeYourenvironmentalandfinancialconditionaretheperfectreflectionofyourhabitualthinkingThoughtrulestheworldrdquo

--JosephEdwardMurphy

TheRulesThemselves

Herethenisaquicklookatthe21rulesgroupedintosixbroadcategories

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1BeKindtoYourselfRule2HaveFunRule3WorkHard

Asnotedforthebetterpartoftenyearsourfamilyrsquos1rulewastohavefunInourcurrentlistithasnrsquotfallenfar(itrsquosnow2)butthatdoesnrsquotpreventourdaughtersfromgivingusgriefnowandagainTheyinsistthathavingfunisstill1intheirheartsFarbeitfromustodisagree

Butthenew1--BeKindtoYourself--isaworthycompetitorbecauseofitspower to transcend all others Too often we privately criticize ourselvesattacking both our decisions and behavior By and large this self-criticism isdetrimentaltoourwell-beingbluntingourabilitytogrowandevolve

Rule1isavariantonthegoldenrule--treatyourselfasyouwishforotherstotreatyouwithkindnessandpatiencewithgraceandcompassionThisisnrsquotto say that self-criticism doesnrsquot have its place -- it does as guilt and self-examinationareworthyassetsontheroadtoself-discoveryButtoooftenourprivateself-judgmentservestolessennotliftupoursenseofself

RulesforLivingwithYourself

Rule4LiveinthePresentRule5FocusontheProcessRule6PauseRule7LaughRule8CreateNewHabits

YearsagoIreadthefollowingquoteldquoNotonepersonin10000canliveinthe presentrdquo The quote intrigued me and has generated years of self-thoughtaboutboththemeaningofthatphraseandtheenormouschallengeofdoingsoRules 4 and 5 urge us to focus on themoment however impossible thatmayseemAndRules67and8offerusapathwayforwhattodowhenconfrontedbyanxietyandfrustration

ldquoYouaretodaywhereyourthoughtshavebroughtyouyouwillbetomorrowwhereyourthoughtstakeyourdquo

--JamesAllen

Life presents no shortage ofmoments inwhich to employ these five ruleseachaimedathelpinguslivewithourselves

RulesforLivingwithOthers

Rule9RespectPPIs(PersonalPreferenceItems)Rule10AvoidUSSs(UnsolicitedSuggestions)Rule11ListenRule12BeKindtoOthersRule13HelpOthers

Feelfreetoskipthissectionifyou1livealone2neverinteractwithotherpeopleand3havenoplansforengagingwithothersFortherestofyouyoursquollprobablyenjoyRules9and10whichaddressrespectandpersonalpreferences

Thisgroupofrulesalsoincludesoneofmyfavoriteslisten(11)Itrsquosquitepossible that listening is themost important human skill that is never taughtMoreaboutthislater

RulesforMakingGoodDecisions

Rule14ListenToYourHeartRule15TakeRisksRule16YoursquoreFreeToChangeYourMindAtAnyTimeRule17WelcomeMistakes

ldquoWefindithardtobelievethatotherpeoplersquosthoughtsareassillyasourownbuttheyprobablyarerdquo

--JamesRobinson

Regardless of what kind of decision yoursquore making these four rules willeasilyapplyRules14and15aredesignedtohelpyouwhileyoursquoremakingyourdecisionRules16and17willguideyouafteryoursquovemadeyourdecisionMyfavorite from this set is Rule 16 (Yoursquore Free to ChangeYourMindAtAnyTime)Itrsquosoneofthemostpopularrulesinourhouse

RulesforAchievingYourGoals

Rule18ZerotoOneRule19BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20SetGoalsNotExpectations

Ifyoursquorethekindofpersonwhosetspersonalgoalsyoursquollenjoythesethreeplusadetailedintroductorysectionwhichdescribesthesixmajortenetsofgoal-settingdrawnfrom theworldrsquos leadingexpertsRules18and20aredesignedforusebeforeyousetyourgoalsinstoneAndthentherersquosmypersonalfavoriteRule19 (BeFirmYetFlexible)which I seem tousedailyboth toguidemydecisionsandactionsandre-establishbalanceinmylifeWhateveryoudodonrsquotmissRule19

TheFinalRule

Rule21QuestionAllRules

Some years ago we taught our daughters an important life rule -- ldquoSeekForgivenessNotPermissionrdquo -- on the condition that theywould never use itagainst us I still love that rule and use it frequently (as do our daughters)becauseitunderscorestheessenceofRule21QuestionAllRules

Lifeisfilledwithaplethoraofrules--fromgrammarrulesandunionrulestodrivingrulesandtaxrulesjusttonameafewIrsquomnotabigfanofrules(makingitallthemorecuriouswhyIwroteabookentirelyaboutrules)whichiswhyIenjoyRule21

Toooftenweareaskedtofollowrulesofquestionablelogic(ldquoIrsquomsorrysirbutthatrsquosjustourpolicyrdquo)andsoonoursenseoffairnessispiquedIsupposethatonecouldsimplycomplyandacquiesce to the torridstreamof rules thatrunour lives Iprefernot Iassume theposition thatchallengingrules ismorethananoptionitrsquosanobligationaresponsibilitySoasyoureadthroughthese21offeringspleasequestionthematwill

ldquoAlltrulywisethoughtshavebeenthoughtalreadythousandsoftimesbuttomakethemtrulyourswemustthinkthemoveragainhonestlytilltheytakerootinourpersonalexperiencerdquo

--JohannWolfgangVonGoethe

Goodnessknowsourdaughtersdo

RulesThatSoothe

MyhopeisthatwithinthesepagesyouwillfindaruleortwothatbothsuitsandsoothesThetruthiswecanre-writeourpersonalscriptswecanthinknewthoughtswecanchoosewhatwethink

So if yoursquove ever been angry frustrated upset overwhelmed conflictedworried agitated furious frantic uneasy perturbed anxious nervous tenseapprehensiveboredannoyedbeleagueredorstressedlikemethenthisbookisforyou

Enjoy

SloppyThinkingldquoSloppythinkinggetsworseovertimerdquo

--JennyHolzer

1 I remember taking inspiration from a small mistake made by Helen Hunt at the Academy AwardspresentationsomeyearsagoShebeganbyfirstmispronouncingthenmissingentirelyawordortwoFiveseconds intoherpresentationshepolitelypausedandsaidldquoLetrsquosstartagainrdquoAndsoshedidNoonecriticizednooneblinkedSmoothlyandwithoutfanfareshesimplydecidedtoldquostartoverrdquoteachingusallhowsimpleitcanbetobeginagain

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1

BeKindToYourself

ldquoAccepteverythingaboutyourself--ImeaneverythingYouareyouandthatisthebeginningandtheend--no

apologiesnoregretsrdquo--ClarkMoustakas

Tobeginashortquiz

Name the threepeoplewithwhomyouhavespent themost time in the lasttwo years Feel free to place the book aside as you contemplate the answerWersquollwaitHmmmhmmmhmmm

ldquoItisofpracticalvaluetolearntolikeyourselfSinceyoumustspendsomuchtimewithyourselfyoumightaswellgetsomesatisfactionoutoftherelationshiprdquo

--NormanVincentPeale

NorushTakeyourtime

OurquizofcourseisabitoftomfoolerybutitsanswerisanythingbutThepersonwithwhomyouspendthemosttimemoment-inmoment-out(noneedtojotthisonedown)isyouThepointistranslucentwhenitcomestokindnessweoftenneglectthepersonwithwhomwespendallofourtime

Whyisthat

TheworldrsquosuniversalmessageistotreatotherskindlytoavoidcriticismandblametoimpartloveandunderstandingWersquoreencouragedtoextendourselvesonalloccasionstobestowcompassionandgenerosityonourfellowtravelersinhopes that theywill treat us in kind Sowhy pray tell dowe abandon thesepreceptswhendealingwithourselves

Youmayhaveheardthepopularmaxim

ldquoThepeoplewelovethemostaretheoneswecriticizethemostharshlyrdquo

TheadagereflectsourparadoxicalfamilylifebutitalsoappliestoourmostintimaterelationshiponewhichweoftenfailtocultivateandnurtureWhenwasthe last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled You smile atothers donrsquot youWhy not smile at yourselfWhy do we treat others morekindlythanourselves

ldquoKnowthatyouareyourgreatestenemybutalsoyourgreatestfriendrdquo

--JeremyTaylor

Rule1turnsacenturies-oldproverbintoamodern-dayadage

Dountoyourselfasyouwishforotherstodountoyou

Welongforothers to treatusgently toforgiveourmissteps tounderstandourfailingsandtoshoweruswithloveIfweaskthisofotherswhynotaskitofourselves

ldquoYouyourselfasmuchasanybodyintheentireuniversedeserveyourloveandaffectionrdquo

--Buddha

Lest we relegate self-criticism to the back shelf letrsquos acknowledge thatanimadversionhasitsplaceforaproperdoseofintrospectionandself-critiqueoftenleadsustoactresponsiblyButtakentoextremesself-criticismbecomesanaggingnegativeforcewhichoftenchipsaway(sometimeseatsaway)atourself-confidenceandgoodnature

Rule1carriesagentlemessage--whendealingwithyoubekind tendercompassionate patient thoughtful caring and loving Rule 1 says to treat

yourself as you would a close friend -- by listening with compassion byacceptingmistakesbybeingacalmvoiceinatroubledseaandbyusingwordsthatsoothe(notcriticize)whenyoursquoreupset

So be kind to yourself And remember that the person to whom yoursquoredirectingthiskindnesswillappreciateitGuaranteed

Challenge1ATreatYourself

WhywaitforyourbirthdayItseemsfashionableoflatetomakegiftlists for every occasion not just birthdays Why not create one of yourown

Gillian Butler amp Tony Hope authors of ldquoManaging Your MindrdquomaintainthatldquogivingyourselftreatsisaskillthatneedstobedevelopedrdquoThefirststepldquoTogiveyourselfpermissiontohavetreatsrdquoButlerampHopeexplain ldquoTreats bring pleasure and pleasure is worth having purelybecauseitmakesyoufeelgoodButtreatingyourselfwillalsoenableyouto accomplishmore and enable you to change inways that are right foryourdquo

Theyaddldquo Thewonderful thingabout treats is that theycangivepleasurewellbeyondwhatwouldseempossibleThesecretistochoosetheright treats for you Once we are grown-up life can become so full ofchores both at home and atwork that it is easy to get bogged down inroutineandforgetpleasureItiswhenlifersquosproblemsaregettingontopofyouthatitbecomesparticularlyimportanttorewardyourselfrdquo

YourTwo-StepChallenge

Step1MakealistofthingsthatyouenjoyandStep2Refertothelistasoftenaspossible(forexamplesseeAppendixA)Andherearetwohintstoguideyou

a)Thelongerthelistthebetterandb) Remember to include treats both large (taking a vacation) and

small(egspendingafewextraminutesoverbreakfast)

SeeAppendixAforwaystotreatyourself(p189)

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsDoyoutreatyourselfkindly

ldquoDonrsquotyouthink[treatingourselveskindly]evolveswithage(likeallothergoodthings)Itrulybelievethatwe gain somuchwisdom through experience and it becomes easier each day to practicewhatwepreachtakeonedayatatimeviewlifeasshortetcetcAllthoseclichesthatIheardasachildsuddenlytakeonnewmeaningMyguessisthatnooneofusisaskindtoourselvesaswearetoothersalthoughIrsquollbet(andhope)manyofusarealotkinderthanweusedtoberdquo--MarleyC

ldquoIhaveknown[howimportantitistotreatmyselfnicely]andhavepreachedthattoothersforyearsWhy is it that I have so much trouble doing it myself The old saw is true lsquoPhysician heal thyselfrsquo[Treatingoneselfwellis]somethingtoworkforinsteadofgoingcomplacentlythroughliferdquo--NatE

ldquoItrsquosatoughquestionLatelytherehasbeenalotofactivityinourlivesandwejustarenrsquotgettingyounger I believe we are just as critical of ourselves as always However speaking for myself I findmyselfrealizingthatIhavedonemybestandlettingmyselfgetoffalittleeasierthaninmyyoungerdaysIntheolddaysIwouldworkuntilthejobwasfinishedinaccordancewithmyownhighpersonalstandardsTodayIwillpushmyselfhoweverwhenIstartfeelingthewearandtearIevaluatewhereIamandtakethetimetogetthebatteriesrechargedSomeoldmilitaryexpressionsthatdescribethisfeelingare

lsquoFoughtandlivedtofightanotherdayDiscretionisthebetterpartofvalorrsquo

ldquoSoinsummaryItreatmyselfwithalittlemorekindnesssoIcanreturnandgetbackinthefraythenextdayTorevertbacktotheolddayswouldbedetrimentaltoonersquoshealthTakingatimeoutisnrsquotbaditrsquossortoftreatingyourselftokindnessPerhapsitrsquosasignofoldagebutIhavelearnedtoappreciatethesimpler thingsof life such as a dinner at homewith all of the familymembers in attendance attending

churchservicesasafamilydininginordiningoutwithsomegoodfriendsspendingadaywithsomeoldfriendstodiscusslifeingeneralrdquo--DaveR

LovingYourselfldquoIf you arenrsquot goodat loving yourself youwill have a difficult timeloving anyone since yoursquoll resent the time and energy you giveanotherpersonthatyouarenrsquotevengivingtoyourselfrdquo

--BarbaraDeAngelis

Rule2

HaveFunAnytimeAnywhere

ldquoNowandthenitrsquosgoodtopauseinourpursuitofhappinessandjustbehappyrdquo

--GuillaumeApollinaire

Whodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

The question brings to mind a memorable line from The Four Seasons amovie in which old friends bid to re-connect Following a tense moment ofrelational frictionCarolBurnett turns toher friendsandasksldquoArewehavingfunyetrdquo

ldquoFunisagoodthingbutonlywhenitspoilsnothingbetterrdquo

--GeorgeSantayana

ThequestionthoughplayfulcarriesananswerofconsiderableconsequenceforhowisitthatweachievefunWhodecideswhenwersquorehavingitAndmoreimportantlyhowdoesoneacquireit

Firstandforemost itrsquos important toembracethenotionthathavingfunisaskillone thatwecanbothcultivateandnourishSomeofcoursebelieve thatthe skill is innate but I beg to differ Having fun is no different thanhandwritingwebdesignhopscotchorgolf theyrsquoreallworthdeveloping (yesevenhopscotch)Buthow

Challenge1WhereDoesFunLive

Our first challenge is to findoutwhere fun livesBasedon lifersquosunwrittenrules fun is reserved for special places (eg beaches theaters golf coursesamusement parks and restaurants) and special occasions (eg weddingsbirthdaypartiesandvacations)

WhatdoesyourfunprofilelooklikeWheredoyouexperiencethemostfunChances are that your fun profile will reveal consistent patterns of peopleplaces and activities The trick of course is to find ways to expand youruniversetonewvenues--egwaitingintrafficcleaningoutthegaragepayingthebillsordoinghomework

ldquoPeoplearegoingtobemostcreativeandproductivewhentheyrsquoredoingsomethingtheyrsquorereallyinterestedinSohavingfunisnrsquotanoutrageousideaatallItrsquosaverysensibleonerdquo

--JohnSculley

Imagine just for a moment if you were capable of having fun anywhereanytimenomatterthetask

Yoursquore laughingnowIcanhearyouYoursquore thinkinghowabsurd to thinkthatfixingaflatwaitinginlineortalkingtoatelemarketeratdinnertimecanbeenjoyable Perhaps But if you take amoment to examine the concept yoursquollsoonseethepossibilities

Challenge2WhoDecidesWhenYoursquoreHavingFun

LogicwoulddictatethatyouandyoualoneareincontrolthatyoumakethecallDonrsquot bedeceivedThe externalworld -- the institutions that speak tousand thepeoplewhocontrol them --plays amajor role in shapingourviewofldquofunrdquoCaseinpointHollywoodAndafterawhileitrsquossafetoassumethatourinternalthoughtsbegintoconformtothesenotions

HowthendowefightthewaveHerersquosoneapproach

Step1ObserveYourFZs

Beginbyexploringyourfunzones(FZs)thatistheactivitiesandplacesthatyou associate with fun The key is to observe your thought patterns becausethoughtsnotplacesarewhatcreatetheldquofunrdquoexperience

Step2Understand

Itrsquos important to remember that changing onersquos thought habits can be bothdifficultandfrustratingsopatienceisinorderThekeytoanypersonalchangeis observation awareness and perspective But it takes time So be kind toyourself(Rule1)andpatientwithyourprogressDonrsquotdemandtoomuch

ldquoEventheworstofjobshastheirpleasuresifIwereagravediggerorahangmentherearesomepeopleIcouldworkforwithagreatdealofenjoymentrdquo

--DouglasWilliamJerrold

Step3TheGrandThoughtExperiment

Nowthefunpart--theGrandThoughtExperimentThenexttimeyoursquoreinaUFZ (Unauthorized Fun Zone) be it a fixed thought track or an undesirableplacetrytomoveyourthoughtseversogentlyinapositivedirection

UFZs surround us Each day we encounter traffic jams hostile bossescheckout lines family conflicts household chores and disgruntled workassociatesAndalltoooftenwhenweenteraUFZwetriggerthesameseriesofnegativethoughtsnegativeimpressionsInsodoingwemissanopportunitytore-program

Herersquosoneofmyfavoriteexamples

Itrsquos moving day and yoursquore thoroughly exhausted from weeks ofpreparation and transition The moving crew is pulling out after fourgrueling hours of unloading Boxes are everywhere Stress level andpersonalfatiguehavereachedepicproportions

Thephoneringsandyoursister-in-lawasksyouhowyoursquoreholdingupMoments lateryouutter thoseunmistakablewords --ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquo

Themessage thoughsubtle isclearwhen theboxesareawaywhenthekitchendrawersarelinedwhenthedrapesareupwhenthegarageisorganizedwhentheworkbenchisreadyforuseTHENIrsquollbehappyAndnotamomentsooner

ThetelltalephraseofcourseisldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

WaitinginanIllusion

Hardaswetrytoenjoythemomentwersquoreforeverwaitingtoenjoyourselveswaiting tohave funwaiting tocomplete theperceiveddrudgery toexperiencethatldquohappymomentrdquosomewheredowntheline

ldquoPeoplerarelysucceedunlesstheyhavefuninwhattheyaredoingrdquo

--DaleCarnegie

DonrsquotwaitWaitingisanillusion

Imagine that yoursquore on your way home after a long day Suddenly itrsquosbumper to bumper traffic and that happymoment that yoursquove dreamt about isslipping away The point is transparent -- yoursquore free to enjoy themoment athandTherersquosnoneedtowait

OrsayyoursquorehomeanxioustocurluponthecouchwithagoodbookwhenyourememberthechoresthatawaitSoyouthinkldquoAhhhoncethosechoresarefinishedthenIrsquollbehappyrdquo

DonrsquotwaitDonrsquotwaittobehappy

WespendanenormouspartofourmentalliveswaitingtobehappywaitingforthathappymomentWhatrsquossostrangeisthatmanyofthesehappymomentsnevermaterializeandwhentheydotheyoftendisappointSodonrsquotwait

InsteadstartturningUFZsintoFZsAndremember

diamsItrsquospossibletobeginenjoyingyournewhomefromthemomentyoustepinside

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymowingthelawnfixingtheshelfandrepairingtheleakinthefaucet

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy making a late-night run to the market even ifyoursquoretiredandcrankyandarereadyforbed

ldquoTheultimategoalofamoreeffectiveandefficientlifeistoprovideyouwithenoughtimetoenjoysomeofitrdquo

--MichaelLeboeuf

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoypreparingforamajorpresentationorgoingtoyourannualphysical

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymulchingtheyardhoweverintentyoumightbeonplantingthenewflowersand

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy thewriting process evenwhen yoursquore endlesslystuckinmentaltraffic

So the next time you find yourself annoyed frustrated disappointed ordisillusionedthinkfun

YoucanmakeithappenAnytimeAnyplace

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIshavingfunaskillIfsoisitnaturallyacquired

ldquoIthinkitisaskillandIstronglysuspectthatitisnaturallyacquiredbysomeanddevelopedbyothersThinkingaboutitinthesetermsforthefirsttimeitseemsandIsuredohopethatbypayingattentiontoonersquospatternsonesurely[can]learnhowtoimproveontheirabilitytohavefunWhywouldnrsquotitbelikeotherbehaviormodificationrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoItrsquosnotaskillbutmoreanintrinsicnaturallygivenabilitythatsomeareblessed[with]SayingthatIdo believewe are able to determine our destiny as to livingbeing in the lsquotimersquo of lsquofunrsquo ormaking thatchoicerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIbelievethatonecanlearntohavefunmorefunifonecangetintouchwithinternalbarrierstosuchenjoymentSometimesittakesexternalhelptoidentifydealwiththebarriersrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIbelieveweallhavethecapacityforfunbutvaryinouropportunityandability(skill)tohavefunIthinktherearemanywaystohavefunandthisvariesfrompersontopersonThereisthefunthatyouhavebecauseyouenjoyanactivityandaresocaughtupinityoudonrsquotrealizehowmuchfunyouarehavingThishasmoretodowithcapacityandopportunityTheotherkindoffunisbeingabletoenjoywhatyouhavetodoandthisIthinkcanbemoreofanattitudeorskillwhichcanbedevelopedovertimeThisiswhereIthinkyour21rulesstarttocomeinsuchasbeingmindfulandbeingabletostepbacktoseetheabsurdrdquo--KarinU

ldquoHaving fun is a naturally acquired state one enters into Fun is individual People have fun in verydifferentwaysEventheseriouspersonmayhavefunbeingseriousFunisdynamicchangingthroughlifeThingsoneusedtohavefundoingmaynotbefunanymoreandotherthingsarenowfunOnceonehasidentifiedwhatisfuntothemonecanimprovetheirabilitytoincreasethelevelorintensityofthefuntheyhave(thatpartmaybeaskill)atanactivityrdquo--VickiH

ldquoHmmmSomefolksdoseemtohavemorefacilityforitoraremoreopentotheexperiencelsquoFunrsquoisintheeyeofthebeholderInnatelycuriouspeopleandthosewholaughoftenseemtofindfuninmanythingsThesearealsooftenthepeoplewhoareseldomboredastheirmindscanbeengagedbyvirtuallyanythingDoesthismeantheyhavealsquoricherrsquobrainscapeItwouldseemthatyoucouldshapefunskillsbyexposingthoselessadepttonon-threateningfunenvironmentsandhelpingthemgivethemselvespermissiontohavemorefunrdquo--JoelR

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIfhavingfunisaskillwhatrsquosyourskilllevelAnd

whatwasit10yearsago

ldquoSkill assessment presently is 90 Ten years ago fun at least for me was more dependent onsituations company demands of time money availability and other external influences I was moreconcernedwithhow tohave fun thanwhat reallywas funAgehasgivenmemaybea little insightandwisdomandhasmademeappreciatethatfunisarelativelysimpleconceptItdoesnotrequireplanningmoneysuccessdemandssituationsorequipmentItrequiresonlythedesiretoexperienceitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoPart I 70 (having fun is a highpriority tome this could explainwhy I have chosen to lsquoplayrsquo for aliving)

ldquoPart II 80 -90Definitely itwashigher10years agoWhyMore responsibilities inbothworkandhome lifeAlso less energy (no I am not getting older) to do the crazy fun thing I used to do and tomaintainthelonghoursdoingfunthingsorsqueezinginasmuchfunstuffasIcouldrdquo--VickiH

ldquoIfIamunderlowstressIcanhavefundoingalmostanythingProbablythesame10yearsagoIfstressgoesupmyabilitytohavefundiminishesrdquo--CarlE

ldquoPart125skillfulathavingfunoneveryendeavorIfinditmoredifficultasIgetolder(whyisthat)YouthiswastedontheyoungOrisitthatmymemoryisselectiveandIseemtoonlyrememberthefunineverythingbackwhenIwasyounger

ldquoPartII--Iwouldsaythat10yearsagomyskilllevelwasmoreatthe35levelrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoMyskilllevelforhavingfuntodayiscertainlyhigherthanitwas10yearsagoButIthinkthisislikethewaterlevelintheriveritgoesupanddowndependingonlsquotheweatherrsquoSomedaysmyskilllevelisreallyhighOthersitrsquosmuchlower(YoursquollnoticeIavoidedtheextendedsimilebyavoidingtheuseofthetermldquodrierrdquo)

ldquoOnaverageIgavemyself lesspermissiontohavefun10yearsagoNowIsometimes lookforFunZonesbyorderingdessertfirst

ldquoIfIweretochartitIrsquodsaytheskillofhavingfunisalineofeverincreasingslopeliketheDow-JonesaveragesItisnotquantifiableasinsettingaspecificvalue(lsquoAllsixyearoldsneedtoreacha17rsquo)Itisrelative The same scene the same lsquofunrsquo experienced by two individuals will bring about two differentreadingsonlsquothefunscalersquoInchildhoodfunisafunctionofsocialsettingandfeelingsecureAtoddlerrsquossquealswill turn tohowls in thepresenceofa strangerAtpuberty the slope increasesagainwith someveryhighspikesThenuponlsquojobacquisitionrsquotheslopelevelsoutagainbutstillincreases(NoteJobacquisitionfollowsfraternitysororityyearsthelastseriousspikesformostofus)Middleagebringsmoreupsandmoredowns(Menopausecangoeitherwaydependingonyourpointofview)FinallymaturitysettlesinThisiswhenyouaresecureenoughtohavefunwheneveryoufeel likeit Finalword theonlythingthatpreventsusfromhavingfunistheweightofthebagoflsquoshouldsrsquowecarryonourshoulders--NatE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

ldquoThisisadifficultquestiontoponderFunasanindividualwouldmeantheindividualwouldbetheonlyonewhocoulddecideifhesheishavinglsquofunrsquo

ldquo Alsodoessocietydictatewhat islsquofunrsquoandnotfunSomesocietiesfindfunin thingswewouldfindalarminganddangerouswhereaswhatwedeemasfuntheymightfindstrangerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIs having fun -- enjoyingmyself I can truly enjoy what I am observing in others -- students in aclassroompeoplehelpingeachotheragreatsoccerbasketballorbaseballmomentetcIamhavingfunatthesemomentsandallIrsquomdoingisobservingothers

ldquoSoooooowhenever Imight say lsquoI enjoyed thatrsquo Iguess I amhaving funanddetermining itmyselfWhen I amwith others and everyone is laughing and being fresh to each other othersmay think I amhavingfunbecauseIamrelaxingandshowingasideofmethatIdonrsquotoftenhavetimetolsquoletoutrsquoIamprobablyNOTenjoyingthosemomentsbutothersperceivemeashavingfunGofigureIdohavefunteasingotherssowhenIamin thecompanyofmybrothermybabysistermystudentsoryou I reallyhavefunrdquo--GailC

ldquoIt depends Sometimes I decide in the midst of something that it is really fun sometimes theanticipationofanactivitybythegroup[Irsquomwith]foreshadowsaneventasfun

ldquoTherecertainlyarebeliefsbysocietyatlargeastowhatisfunForexampletakethebeachIfyoutelljustaboutanyonethatyouaregoingtothebeachtheireyeswilllightupandtheywillthinkyoursquoreluckytobegoingtothebeachtohavelsquofunrsquoYoumightnotbeveryexcitedinsomecaseslikeifyouaregoingwithpeopleyoudonrsquotwanttobewithorifyoursquoregoingtoabeachthatyoudonrsquotparticularlylike

ldquoHopefullyyoursquollhavemorecontroloveryourlifethanthisoryoursquollbeabletogoagainsoonundermorepleasantcircumstancesLotsoffactorsgointolsquofunrsquoandIagreethatfunisoftendefinedbysocietyUnlessofcourseapersonisbrutallyhonestandadmitsthatheshedoesnrsquotexpecttohavefunButinmyexperiencemostpeopleliketoportraytheirsparetimeasfilledwithfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoHowcanthedecisionofwhetherornotoneishavingfunexistwithanyonebuttheindividualindesigningyourownenvironmentevencleaningthehousecanbefunREALLYitjustdependsonhowyougoaboutlookingatyourenvironmentIfyouconstantlyperceivelifeasaseriesofchallengeswithnoopportunityforenjoymentthenfunisnotgoingtobeaningredientofeverydaylifeFuniswhatonemakesofasituationrdquo--KathyD

ldquoIdecidewhenIamnothavingfunItusuallyisnrsquotuntillaterthatIrealizethatIhadagoodtimeIfIrsquomtalkingwithintelligentpeopleIamusuallyhavingfunrdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhatpreventsusfromhavingfun

ldquoIampreventedfromhavingfunwhenIhavetoomanythingstodoIloveitwhenthekidstellmetolsquolightenuprsquoorlsquochillrsquoMyauntalwaysusedtosaylsquoDonrsquotworryaboutthedirtinthehouseItwillbetherein20yearsTake time toenjoyyour childrenrsquo Ineed to remember thatmoreoften in regards to lotsofthingsrdquo--GailC

ldquoIwishIknewThereinliesthecruxoftrulybeinglsquohappyrsquoinonersquoslifeItrsquosnotthatIrsquomunhappydoingmundanechoresInfactIsortofgetabitofpleasurewiththembecausetheykeepmymindoffofotherthingsItrsquosgettingtothemthatsometimesisthelsquotestrsquoBecasuewedonotlikenecessarilythelsquothoughtofrsquodoing thesechorestaskswe tend toput themoffbutoncewersquore into themandaccomplish them I findmyselffeelinglsquogoodrsquoaboutacheivingthetaskorgettingitoverwithAndtherearesomanyoftheselittlesillytasksjobsthingsthatweputoffcleaningthegasgrillpaintingthetrimcuttingthegrassetcrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoThebaggagewecarrypreventsusfromorallowsustohavefunExhaustionhungerpovertyweatherconditionsetccanpreventusfromhavingfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAprivatewascleaningtheflooraroundaconferencetableasthreeofficersdiscussedsexTheCaptainsaidlsquoIthinksexis90pleasureand10workrsquoTheMajorsaidlsquoIthinksexis50pleasureand50workrsquoAndtheGeneralsuggestedthatlsquoSexis90workand10pleasurersquoUnabletoagreetheyturnedtotheprivateandaskedhisviewRepliedtheprivatelsquoIftherewereanyworkinitatallyoursquodhavemedoingitforyoursquoWhateveritisyouwouldnotwanttheprivatetodoforyouhastobeaplusonthefunsiderdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWheredoesfunlive

ldquoFun liveseverywhere exceptKosovoWhereverpeoplecan reflect and laughat themselvesor lifersquosabsurditiesyouhavefunIfithurtsitainrsquotfunPatchAdamshadtheknackforconversionrdquo--CarlE

ldquoFunliveseverywhereanywhereFuniswhatonemakesittobeItisenjoymentoflifeandonersquosparticipationinlifeFuncannotbeobserveditmustbeexperiencedItistheabilitytoappreciatethefactthatwearealiveandwecanmakechoicesFuniswhatitismadetoberdquo--KathyD

ldquoThatreallydependsonwhoyoutalktoandwhenFunformecanbeinmyhouseinfrontofthefirewithabookandsometimeILOVETHATIknowpeoplewhocanrsquotstandtobealonewithoutoneplan

afteranotherFunlivesintheeyesofthebeholderrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAquickthoughtonfun I try tohavefunwithwhateverIdobutI insistonhavingfunwithanyleisuretimeactivitiesortofurtherdefineitnon-workorresponsibilityrelatedIfIamvolunteeringdoingcross-stitch or reading a book I want it to be fun But I donrsquot necessarily define fun as the laughingsquealingkindof activity [instead] I define it as something thatgivesmepleasureAnd Irsquoll try to findpleasure in themundaneeitherby losingmyself inmy thoughts (whichareprobably70present30past)orappreciatingthesimpleactofaccomplishment

ldquoMy friends and family always grumble because I insist on frequently using my good bone chinadinnerwareandsterlingTheyobjectbecauseitmustbewashedanddriedbyhandIhavealwayssaidthatIgetasmuchpleasurefromthesimpleactofwashinganddryingitasIdofromusingitItrsquosbeautifulIloveitand Iwould ratherwashanddry it than let it situnusedandunappreciated inaclosedchinacabinetMaybethisisnrsquoteveryonersquosideaoffunbutitfloatsmyboatrdquo--VickiS

ldquoJollityItrsquosaframeofmindSomepeoplehavefundoingthemostridiculousthingsAndnooneelseseemstohavethesameamountoffununlesstheyaredoinglsquoitrsquowiththefirstpersonrdquo--NatE

Rule3

WorkHard

ldquoWhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoftenthingsIdidwerefailuresIdidnrsquotwanttobeafailureso

Ididtentimesmoreworkrdquo--GeorgeBernardShaw

Chances are if I had composed a list of rules a decade ago ldquowork hardrdquomightnothavecrackedthetop20nolessthetop5Butwitheachpassingdaywitheachnewlifeexperienceitrsquosclearthatworkinghardisthekey--tonearlyeverything Whether yoursquore building a relationship or building a reputationworkinghardistheoneingredientyoucanrsquotaffordtoleaveout

ldquoLazinessmayappearattractivebutworkgivessatisfactionrdquo

--AnneFrank

Not that we stop searching for alternatives Letrsquos be honest wersquore foreverlookingforshortcutswaystoreachourgoalsinlesstimewithlesseffortButastimeandexperienceteachustheretrulyisnosuchthingasafreelunch

Nottosaythatcertainshortcutsdonrsquotdeliver--ATMsfreeusfromlongbanklines and computers free us from retypingourmanuscripts on typewriters and we certainly enjoy remote controls ice makers fast tolls electric canopenersande-mail--eachdesignedtosaveuspreciousmoments

ButtoaccomplishgoalsofsubstancetodeveloprelationshipsthatlasttherearenoshortcutsStillwepursuethemaffirmingthatwedoindeedbelieveinmagic

ldquoNoonecanarrivefrombeingtalentedaloneGodgivestalentworktransformstalentintogeniusrdquo

--AnnaPavlova

If youwatch television long enough or read the dayrsquos news orwatch thefrenzied pace in the corporate world itrsquos hard not to believe that lifersquospenultimate goals are productivity and efficiency The worldrsquos marketingengines drill the message home every day -- if you buy this new softwarepackage thisnewcuttingappliance thisnew31drillkit thenyoursquollnotonlysavetimebutyoursquollbemoreproductiveThemessagegetsstuckinourpsycheandafterhearingthemessageforsay thezillionth timeweactuallybegin tobelieveit

ldquoSuccessfulpeoplearenotgiftedtheyjustworkhardthensucceedonpurposerdquo

--GKNielson

TurntheTideTaketheLongCut

WespendexorbitantamountsoftimepursuingshortcutstomanageourtasksFightbackFacedwithachoicetrythelongcut--whenyoursquoreslicingonionstry using the knife in place of the electric slicer However appealing yourshortcutsmaybeafewmillisecondshereandtherewonrsquotearnyoumuchThetruthisshortcutsareoneoflifersquosmostvisibleillusions

For years I dreamed of having a beautiful garden where flowers bloomedeach month as the seasons passed I chose the shortcut -- I bought a fewperennialsinstalledanundergroundwateringsystemandwaitedfortheflowerstoappearSillymethinkingthatagardenwouldgrowbyitselfNoweachdaythatIworkinthegardenIrecallthesesimplewords

Ifyouwanttohaveagardenyouhavetohaveagardener

Inotherwords ifyouwant tocreateproductsofsubstanceyouhave todotheworkNoshortcutsnoend-aroundsnomagic

AttentionAllMountainClimbers

When it comes to working hard I often recall a phrase composed by ourdaughterNataliesomeyearsagoShewroteldquoYouhavetoclimbthemountains

beforeyoucanwalktheplainsrdquoSostraponyourbootsandremember

diams When you and your spouse are clashing over money work hard tounderstandyourspousersquospointofview

diamsWhen you and your child are struggling over homework and curfewsworkhardtounderstandhowtheyfeelandwhytheystruggle

ldquoIfthepowertodohardworkisnotaskillitrsquosthebestpossiblesubstituteforitrdquo

--JamesAGarfield

diamsWhenyoursquorepreparingapresentationorcleaningoutmemorabiliathathas been sealed for years work hard to overcome the mental hurdlesRemindyourselfthattheharderyouworkthemoreyouwillgrow

diamsWhenyourbossisbeingunreasonablethebasementneedsanewpaintjobthenewbusinessisnrsquottakingoffthewaythatyouhadhopedorthethecarbreaksdownagain

WorkHard

DonrsquotshyawaydonrsquotwithdrawdonrsquotwithholdyourbestforfearoffailingSimplyworkhardandknowthattheskillyoursquoreimprovingisoneoflifersquosmostprecioustreasures

Rule 3 brings tomind a classic line delivered by TomCruise in the 1983movieRisky Business Commenting on his awe-inspiring vehicle Cruise saidldquoPorschetherersquosnosubstituterdquo

SoitiswithhardworkThereisnosubstitute

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

Theauthoraskedhisfriends

Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

ldquoThisisoneofmyall-timefavoritequestionsIbetthatourlifehereonearthwillbeultimatelyjudgednotbyhowsuccessfulwewerecomparedtoothersbuthowwellweusedthetools(talentsandabilities)Godgaveus

ldquoEveryoneisdifferentandthatrsquoswhatmakestheworldaninterestingplaceJuststandonabusystreetcornersitinachairatthemalleatamealinacrowdedcafeteriasitinthestandsataprofessionalorhighschoolsportingeventormyfavoriteplacetowatchpeoplewasdownontheinfieldofahorseracingtrackinNewYorkOrbetteryetwatchpeopleatthebeach

ldquoIimaginethesecondquestionwhenweapproachthepearlygateswillbelsquoHowwelldidwesharethetalents and giftswe hadwith others less fortunatersquoDidwe show genuine concern for othersAnotherquestionwouldbelsquoHowwelldidwetrain(mentor)youngergenerationswithregardstousingtheirtalentsandbeingconcernedforothersrsquo rdquo--DaveR

ldquoMypersonal learnedexperience is that tobegin togetgoodatanything inmy lifehas requiredhardwork and dedication Itrsquos truewhether vocational avocational spiritual relationship-based or just aboutanythingelseIcanthinkof

ldquoAsanadditionalobservationthosewhoadmiretheachievementsofothersfrequentlyoverestimatethevalueofsomeoneelsersquoslsquonaturalabilityrsquoandunderestimatetheworktheyputintoexcelrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoIthinkthatitrsquosterriblyimportanttolsquoworkhardrsquoandIthinkthatmanyofthefeelingsthatpeoplehaveoftheirlifebeinglsquosuccessfulrsquocomefromthesenseofaccomplishmentthatresultsofhardwork

ldquoFormemyfeelingsaboutwhoIamasapersonarestronglytiedupwithlsquowhatIhaveaccomplishedrsquoandwhatIhaveaccomplishedisusuallydirectlytiedupwiththeworkIputintoprojects

ldquoIthinkthatanimportantquestionrelatedtothisishowtobalancelsquohardworkrsquoagainsttherestofwhatlifehastooffersothattheworkdoesnotbecomeanoverridingconsumingpassionrdquo--IleneF

ldquoInmyexperienceitiscriticaltoworkhardinlifeOnlythenwhenwehaveinvestedourselvesdowecelebrateoursuccessThings thatcomeeasilyarenotcelebratedin thesamewayweoftenwonderwhythey even happened I guess itrsquos the old external vs internal locus of controlDid I dowell on the testbecauseIstudiedorbecauseIluckedoutanditwaseasy

ldquoWetakeprideinwhatweworkhardatWereflectasweareworkingandprobablyreviserechargeand forge aheadWe all need a payoff for hard work when we get it (tangible or intangible) we feelsuccessful

ldquoI associate the phrase with all aspects of life -- not just lsquoworkrsquo in the classic sense Naturally weassociatelsquoworkinghardrsquowithlsquoworkrsquothatisourdaytimeactivitiesButcertainlywelsquoworkrsquoallthetime--totakecareofourfriendsandourfamilytomeetobligationsthatcomewithbeingaresponsiblememberofthehumanraceThusmyinterestinthetermlsquoworkinghardrsquohasasmuchtodowithwhatwedoatnightandontheweekendsasduringthedayrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoOneway tomeasurework is ergonomically (An erg is a unit ofwork done by one dyne through adistanceofonecentimeterAdyneistheamountofforcethatcausesamassofonegramtoaccelerateattherateofonecentimeterpersecondpersecond)Noneofthatisrelevantexcepttosaywecanmeasurework

ldquoIf you accept that premise perhaps youwill accept thatwork is akin to effortAnd there aremanyreasonstoexpendeffortItmaybeforremunerationorforrecreationThereasonweexpendeffortmaybetopleaseothersortopleaseourselvesOritmaybeforsomeunseenbutanticipatedfuturerewardAtanyrateIthinkthereisarewardintheresomeplaceElsewhyexpendtheeffort

ldquoHowimportantisittoworkhardItdependsononersquospointofviewItmayhavealottodowiththelens throughwhich one views theworldOr itmay have to dowith onersquosmood at themoment ThereweretimesinmylifewhenitalsohadtodowithhowmuchskillIhad

ldquoIsuspectthatlsquoworkingatsomethingrsquohastodowithrewardWewillobviouslyworkatthingsthatwillhavedirectimpactForexamplethesailoronasinkingboatwillworkhardatbailing

ldquoButforotherthingsI thinkonersquoswillingnesstoworkhardisrelatedtotheirabilitytoeithermakeaconnection to self (lsquoItrsquos important to mersquo) or to make a connection to someone or something that isimportant(lsquoItrsquosimportantto___thatImaketheeffortrsquo)Thereissomesortofpayoff

ldquoIdo think thereare thosewho lsquoworkhardrsquo seemingly forothersThere isnodirectpayoff for themTheyappear tobedoing things forothersMy theoryabovebegins todissolvehereand Idonrsquothaveanexplanation

ldquoWellIhaveprogressedfromPhysicstoPhilosophyallinabout350wordsItrsquostimephormetoendthisphoolishnessandgetsomeworkdoneBecauseitispersonallysatisfying AndIwanttogetpaidrdquo--NatE

ldquoItisparamountIamsurroundedbysuccessfulpeoplewhohavesoldtheircompaniesorretiredTheycrave work The desire to apply oneself in a productive endeavor seems to have a biological driver Itappearstobemorethanameredesiretobeneededrdquo--CarlE

ldquoYouhavehitonanerve(atleastinmycase)GrowingupasIdidinatruelsquobluecollarrsquohomeweweretaught(whatseemsinrecollection)fromthecribthatlsquoworkinghardwillgetyoueverythingyouwantinlifersquoorlsquoworkinghardistheonlywaytosucceedrsquoAndohsomanyotheridioms

ldquoFunny how the word lsquoabilityrsquo was seldom if ever used (at least in our household) in relation todiscussionaboutlsquoworkrsquoorlsquoworkinghardrsquoYetinlookingbackworkinghardwashelpfulinmanymanyinstanceswherewewereluckyenoughtosucceedinschoolourjobsourrelationshipsandinevenlifeingeneral

ldquoBut is it just as critical to have been blessedwith the lsquoabilityrsquo to (a)make correct decisions (b) torationalizeanddecipherinformation(c)tolearnorgrowfromoureducationampevenourlifersquosexperiences(d)toretainandrememberinformation(e)tobeabletocommunicatewellandatthesametimeperhapsevenmoreciriticallylsquolistenwellrsquo(f)tohavefun(yesIbelievesomearemoreblessedlsquowiththeabilitytodojustthat--lsquohavefunrsquowhereassomeofusjustseemtolosethislsquoabilityrsquosomewhereontheroadtolife)

ldquoSee I told you it hit a hot spotMay I go on Is it lsquofatersquo or lsquokarmarsquo or just plain lsquoluckrsquowhen onebecomessuccessfulorwasitaproductoflsquohardworkrsquoOrwasitasItendtobelieveararecombinationofbothonersquosfatecombinedwiththeirlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquothatdeliveredsuchsuccessArewenotalltoagreatdegreea lsquoproductofourenvironmentandeducationalprocessrsquoAnd Imean lsquoenvironmentrsquomorefromthe[perspective]oflsquofamilyrsquofirstandthentolsquopeersandschoolingrsquo

ldquoWhyisitthatmoreoftenthannotafamilywillhaveeitherparent(orparents)beingdoctorsandthentheir subsequent children and childrenrsquos children becomedoctors down the line It has tobemore thanlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquoNo

ldquoI once read an article about a couple [who] adopted two infants from a inner citymother ThiscouplewasabletomovetoaremoteareaoutwestandasIrecallraisetheirtwoinfantsonsinanareawheretheyliterallyhadtolsquohomeschoolrsquothemuntilitwastimeforUniversity[Thekidstook]theirSATsscoredextremelyhighandwereacceptedtoYaleampPrinceton

ldquoGuesswhathappenedBothboyswhiledoingextremelywellinitiallyincollegeeventuallydevelopedproblems with their social skills [and] had difficulty later in their University years Eventually theygraduated andwent on in life but not without a tremendous amount of lsquohardworkrsquo at learning certainlsquoskillsrsquoweoftentakeforgrantedgrowingup

ldquoWere these two brilliant minds No doubt However their lsquoabilityrsquo to communicate was foundlackingTheybothhadtolsquoworkhardrsquotolearnthislsquoabilityrsquoBothasIrecallwentontobecomewelladjustedand[achievedsomemeasure]ofsuccessHowevermypointhereisthatlsquoabilityrsquoisnotalwaysasubstitueforlsquohardworkrsquoorlsquolifeingeneralrsquobutis[acriticalfactor]ingainingsuccessinourendeavorsrdquo-MickeyF

RulesforLivingWithYourself

Rule4

LiveinthePresent

ldquoLearnfromthepastsetvividdetailedgoalsforthefutureandliveintheonlymomentoftimeoverwhich

youhaveanycontrolnowrdquo--DenisWaitley

Daytodaywheredoyouspendmostofyourtime

InthepastThepresentOrthefuture

On any given day in any givenmoment our private thoughts flow swiftlyfromthepasttothepresenttothefuture--aharshwordfromyesterday(past)ismentallybrushedasideaswelistentoacolleague(present)thenwonderaboutwhetheritmightrainatthepicniconSunday(future)

ldquoYoumustliveinthepresentlaunchyourselfoneverywavefindyoureternityineachmomentrdquo

--HenryDavidThoreau

Mentalfitnessexpertslaudtheldquopresentrdquoandurgeustofocusourenergiesonthemoment -- on the personwithwhomwersquore conversing on the taskwersquorestrivingtoaccomplishontheskillwersquoreattemptingtoimproveonthedecisionthatwersquoreabouttomake

Themessage is simple themore focusedwe are on the present themorefulfilling life will be Instinctively we know that this is true because of howgooditfeelstobefullyengagedinthemoment--notbroodingaboutyesterdayorworryingabouttomorrow

WhatExactlyIsThePresent

StayinginthepresentmindyouisnrsquottobeconfusedwithtalkingaboutthepresentImaginewhatadauntingtaskthatwouldbeLetrsquosbehonestahealthychunk of human conversation involves sharing information about the past(ldquoWhat have you been up tordquo ldquoHow was your vacationrdquo) or the future(ldquoWersquoregoingtoaconcertnextweekrdquoorldquoTomorrowIplantostartlookingforanewjobrdquo)

Bycontraststayinginthepresent

means focusing onersquos private thoughts on the moment on the person oractivityinfrontofyou

ldquoYesterdayisacanceledchecktomorrowisapromissorynotetodayistheonlycashyouhavesospenditwiselyrdquo

--KayLyons

means listening to your friend share their daily struggles or your spouseshareherworriesaboutthefuture

means concentrating your energy on preparing the report fixing dinnerlisteningtoyourclient

Our ability to stay in the present of course is perpetually at riskAnd themostchallengingmomentsarethosewhenwersquorealoneWhenourthoughtsstartto drift we risk missing the spendlor of the fruit on aisle 3 the shape of aclipped branch the beautifully turned phrase the magnificent contour of thegreenonthe17thhole

Oftenwhen Irsquom driving I glance at the highest branch on a tree andmydaughterMelyssa says she toohasadopted thehabitThe idea suggested inapassageIreadsometimeago(Icanrsquotrecalltheauthor)forcesustolookoutsideofourdailyframetoseeanewwhatthismomentholds

Melyssa and I often wonder how such a simple change can have such adramaticeffectTheskywardgazealwaysremindsmeofapropheticmomentinthe ldquoDead Poets Societyrdquo when Robin Williams encourages his students tostandontheirdeskstoaltertheirstaticviewoftheworld

MinimizingThoughtDrift

Living in the presentmeans attending to the task at hand to the person oractivity before you It means minimizing thought drift in order to take fullpleasureinallthatliesbeforeyouLetrsquosbehonestwhenyourminddriftstothatawkward social encounter donrsquot you lose your ability to enjoy this currentmoment

We are thoughtful creatures alternatively worrying judging imaginingjustifying evaluating planning fantasizing problem-solving lamentingcreatingandscrutinizingInthemixingbowlofthoughtsitrsquosawonderthatwecankeepourattentionfocusedonanysingletaskforanymeaningfullengthoftimeYetattentioniskeyinourquestforfulfillmentandlifesatisfaction

ldquoFinisheachdaybeforeyoubeginthenextandinterposeasolidwallofsleepbetweenthetwoThisyoucannotdowithouttemperancerdquo

--RalphWaldoEmerson

Eachofuslearnsatourownpacethatthemoretimeweinvestinthepresent-- themore timewespend lookingat facesand flowers -- the richerour livesbecome

ItseemstritetosaybutwelivelifeinthepresentCertainlywelearnfromthepastandyesitseemsprudenttoplanforthefutureButinthefinalanalysisourlifejourneyiscomposedofacontinuousstringofldquopresentsrdquoandwhenourthoughtsdriftaheadorbackweloseapreciouspiece(orpeace)oflifersquospuzzle

Itrsquosbeensaidthatonein10000canconsistentlystayinthepresent

Mayyoubetheone

Challenge4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent

Whenyourthoughtsbegintodriftinwaysthatyoudefineasunhealthytrythesethreesimplesteps

Step1ExaminetheThought(E)AskyourselfamIdriftingtothepastorthefuture

Step2StoptheThought(S)Makeaconsciousdecisiontostopthethoughtsequence

Step3ReturntothePersonorTask(P)Makeaconsciousdecisiontorefocusyourthoughtsonthepersonwith

whomyoursquoretalkingontheactivityinwhichyouarecurrentlyengaged

Caution When employing E-S-P please donrsquot expect quick resultsChances are that the thought sequence you momentarily dismissed willsoon reappear cycling back into your conscious thought pattern DonrsquotdespairSimplyobservehowoftenandwithwhatintensityitreturns(itrsquosreasonable to imagine that our thoughts have a half-life -- much likenaturersquoschemicalcompounds--andthattheirpersistenceislinkedtotheiremotionalchargethusastimegoesonthechargelessensandthethoughtsequenceonceomnipotentbeginstoweaken)

The key to E-S-P Awareness and desire -- that is becoming moreawareofyourthoughtpatternsandexhibitingadesiretoalterthem

PlaguedbythoughtdriftTryE-S-PAlternativelytakemeaningfromthisbrilliantquoteonehousedonmyfriendrsquosansweringmachine(thanksJerry)

ldquoThePastisHistoryTheFutureisaMysteryThisMomentisaGiftThatiswhywecallitthePresentrdquo

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentvsthepast

vsthefuture

ldquo85presentwithlotsofpastandfastforwardingandthelsquopresentrsquoasthepausebuttoninbetweenrdquo--JoelR

ldquo45 Present 10 Past 45 Future Tome tomorrow is really the present itrsquos what I am alwayspreparing forSomypresent is reallymy future tooAs soon asyou are awareof thepresent itrsquos nolongerthepresentitrsquosthepastandyouareinthefuturerelativetoitrdquo--GailC

ldquoPast10(notworthmuchthoughtmoveonexperiencemore)Present50(canbegreatgoodneutral and terrible either way you are stuck with it) Present is what one has at hand that cannot bechangedreadilyiethejobyouhavethesignificantotherthehousethatneedspaintingallthosethingsoneplannedfor(ordidnrsquot)whenitldquowasrdquothefutureFuture40(thinkingofthefutureishowIkeepmysanityThefutureishowIdreamitupthewayIwantittobe)rdquo--VickiH

ldquoPresent30Past20Future50ThepresentiswhatyouareexperiencingatthatmomentYoursurroundingswhoyoursquorewithandwhatyoursquorethinkingrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoPresent50Past35Future15CanrsquotdefinethepresentinPTTbecauseyourPTscansometimesbesooverwhelmingthatyouthinkyouhavebeenthinkingforhoursanditrsquosjustbeenminutesandyoursquovetraveledallovertheplaceinyourmindYoursquovebeeninthepastpresentandfutureofyourmindinthattimeperiodrdquo--CaroleE

ldquo20Past40Present40Future(doesthismeanIamanoptimist)Whatoneisthinkingaboutinthepastisimportant--isitpleasantlyrelivingthepastorruminatingaboutmistakesorunpleasanteventsItendtoconnectthepresenttowhatmightbeaheadrdquo--MarleyC

HowoftendoyousayldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

ldquoAlwaysSometimestheanticipationisgreaterthantherealizationofsomethinganddoingthelsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquoaidsinimaginingwhatthatsomethingmightlooklikehowitwillgowhattheendresultmightbeItalsogivesmeagreatlifttoanordinarymundanelsquoconsistentrsquodayrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoNotoftenlsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquosuggeststhatallenjoymentsuccessfulfillmentetcloomssomewhereoverthehorizonIlikeNOW

ldquoThewholeconceptof lsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquo tomesuggests lsquotime freezersquo Ifwe livecontinually ina stateofanticipationwe fail tonotice theeventsof themomentSince there isneveraguaranteeofhappinessorsuccess or fun or anything else in the future (life is too serendipitous for that) then living in a state ofperpetual anticipation precludes having the opportunity to enjoy the present Looking backwards todeterminewhetherornotyouhavehadfunmayofferaclearviewoftheeventbuttheinternalenjoymentofthemomentisovershadowedbylsquothingsyettocomersquotheanticipationoflsquohavingfunrsquocannotcomparetheactualityofitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoWheneverIhaveanlsquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrsquomomentIimmediatelyruinitwiththenegativesthattagalong Icanrsquotwait togo toSanDiegofor8daysWill thedogbeOKin thecareof thekidsWill Ibestressedfromrelaxingetcrdquo--GailC

Wheredoyouspendyourmentaltime

ldquoHumanmomentsIspendabout10ofmytimemusing20thinking20conversing(moreduringtheschoolyear)20listening(40interactingwhichisacombinationofconversingandlistening)and30sleepingorbeingmindlessDreamsoverlapwiththeothercategories

ldquoIhadadebatewithastudentlastweekaboutwhetherornotthebraincandomorethanonethingatatimeWeagreed that thebrain can stimulatemore thanone activity at a time -- seeinghearing tastingtalkingetcallatonetime--butthebraincanonlybeawareofoneatatimerdquo--GailC

ldquoHumanMoments (not like a seniormoment right)Musing 5 conversing 40 thinking 30listening30interacting40acting(asindrama)25ofthe40conversingandthe40interactingAtleastthatmuchofthattimeisactingwhenIambitingmytonguenottotellsomeone(usuallyaclient)exactlywhatIthinkofwhattheyjustsaiddidorwhatIthinkoftheirlevelofintelligenceTherestofthetimeistherealme

ldquoI definitely prefer listening thinking observing over interactingwithmost people acting as inphysicallydoingsomething50to60 ThisanswercouldgoonforeverthemoreIthinkaboutit--soIwillspareyourdquo--VickiH

ldquoHardtoputnumberstoyourcategorieswithoutlotsofthoughtbutIrsquollgiveafirstguesstimatemusing4conversing12thinking20listening16interacting20sleeping28rdquo--AllanH

Rule5

FocusontheProcessNottheproduct

ldquoTakecareofyourminutesandthehourswilltakecareofthemselvesrdquo

--LordChesterfield

It may seem hard to believe but every moment of our lives -- yes everymoment -- is a confrontation between product and process Whether yoursquorepreparingdinnerorabusinessplanplanningaweddingoracorporatetakeoverleadinganeighborhoodfooddriveoracampaignagainst teenagedrinking itrsquosallaboutproductvsprocess

TheproductistheendthefinalstepTheprocessisthemeanstheroadthatleadsushome

TakefoodshoppingTheproductisthatgloriousmomentwhenthebagsareunpackedandthegroceriesareneatly tuckedawayBycontrast theprocess isongoing and entails creating the shopping list grabbing the reusable bagsdrivingtothesupermarketweighingthefruitcomparingcerealpriceschattingon the checkout line leafing through magazines paying the bill carting thegroceriesOKyougetthepicture

ldquoThegoodlifeisaprocessnotastateofbeingItisadirectionnotadestinationrdquo

--CarlRogers

Thepointiswhilewenaturallystrivetoachievetheproduct(bagsunpackedgoodsneatlystoredaway)wesometimesbecomesofixatedonreachingitthat

we fail to enjoy the process In so doing wemiss countless opportunities toenjoyeachstepofthejourney

ButwehaveachoiceThoughitmaynotbereadilyapparentwecanchoosetofocusontheprocesstoenjoyeachmomentnotjusttheendresultWhetherwersquore driving home a business deal or driving homeour daughter fromdanceclasswersquorefreetochoosewheretofocusourmind

WhereDoYouPlaceYourThoughts

Scenario1DinnerTimeItrsquosdinnertimeandtheproduct isthatlusciousmomentwhenyousitdown

with friends and family for a quiet relaxingdinner ready to enjoygood foodandconversationTheprocessofcoursebeganhoursearlierwhenyouchosethe menu bought the vegetables marinated the chicken boiled the watercookedtheangelhairpastapreparedthesauceseasonedthesalad

ldquoIfyoufocusonresultsyouwillneverchangeIfyoufocusonchangeyouwillgetresultsrdquo

--JackDixon

Scenario2HangingaBedroomShelfItrsquosSaturdayafternoonandyourdaughterbidsanhourofyourtimetohanga

bedroomshelf tohousetrinketsandsuchTheproduct is thatrarifiedmomentwhentheshelfisupperfectlylevelandfittostorethenick-nacksTheprocessthoughasimpleonehousesnumeroussteps--findingthetools(formeneveran easy task) measuring drilling inserting (the toggle bolts) leveling andadjusting(IknowIskippedafewstepsButheythisisnotmyforte)

Scenario3PlantingTulipsItrsquoslateOctober--primetimeforplantingtulipsintheyardTheproductis

crystallinetulipsnestledinthegroundwithalightdustingofmulchtoprotectthemoverthewinterTheprocessofcourseismulti-layered--choosingwhichbulbstoplantdeterminingthesizeofthearealayingouttheshapeofthebeddiggingitimprovingthesoilplantingthebulbsandcoveringthem

Attimeslikethese--preparingdinnerhangingashelfandplantingtulips--ourmind tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinkingabout theproduct that isabout finishingThenotion is that ifwemoveswiftly throughthesechoreswecanmoveontomoreenjoyabletasks

Rule 5 encourages us to enjoy seasoning the salad asmuch as eating it toenjoylevelingtheshelvesasmuchashangingthemtoenjoyselectingthebulbsasmuchasplantingthem

ldquoIfyousurrendercompletelytothemomentsastheypassyoulivemorerichlythosemomentsrdquo

--AnneMLindbergh

InshortRule5urgesustoslowdownandenjoythatwhichstandsbeforeusThink about it how many moments of your thought life have you beenpreoccupied with the outcome To fairly answer that question try askingyourselfthisone

ldquoWhen Irsquom engaged in an activity how much of the time am Ithinkingabout theproduct(ie finishingthe task)andhowmuchofthetimeamIsimplyenjoyingtheprocessrdquo

ldquoEnjoythejourneyenjoyeverymomentandquitworryingaboutwinningandlosingrdquo

--MattBiondi

ICanrsquotWait

Letrsquos face it we spend a fair piece of time doing things that we donrsquotaltogether enjoy Wersquore forever telling ourselves ldquoI canrsquot wait until itrsquosFriday itrsquos vacation time thepresentation is finished thebills arepaidthelaundryisfoldedthehouseiscleantheclassisoverthebedsaremadetheweedsaregonerdquoButthemoreobsessedwebecomewiththeproductthelesschancewehavetoenjoytheprocess

ThatrsquosnottosayweshouldforsakepursuingproductsIrsquomstronglyinfavorof settinggoals (seeRules18-20) andworkinghard to achieve them I love awell-craftedplantoscalemountainsLetrsquosfaceititfeelsgoodtocleanoffyourdesktoorganizethekitchentosendofftheproposal toarriveatthehotel toputdinneronthetable tomail inyour taxes to(finally)placethepictures inthephotoalbum

Challenge5A

InSearchoftheHappyMoment

ThinkbacktoyourlasttriphomefromtheofficeWhatwereyouthinkingabout

ChancesarethatyouspentaportionofyourtimethinkingabouttheproductthatisaboutthatldquoHappyMomentrdquo--themomentyouwalkthroughthedoorhangupyourcoatandopenthefridgeforaglassoficetea(orperhapssomethingstronger)AhhhhhhatlonglasttheldquoHappyMomentrdquohadarrived

DonrsquotbefooledldquoHappyMomentsrdquoareillusorybecausemoreoftenthannottheyturnouttobejust that--briefmoments in timethat tooquicklyareoverwhelmedbyaswirloffreshdemandsOnce in thekitchena stackofmail remindsyou that thebillsareoverdueanemptymilkcartonsignalsthattheshelvesarebareandsuddenlytheldquoHappyMomentrdquodissolvesintoaseriesofnewdemandsintoaseriesofnewproductsandprocesses

HerethenisthedilemmabywaitingfortheldquoHappyMomentrdquowewindupwaitingtobehappywe end up telling ourselveswhen that moment arrives THEN Irsquoll be happy and not a momentsooner

SopleasedonrsquotwaittobehappyBehappynowandknowthathappinesssurroundsus ifonlyweopenoureyes

But therersquosahugedifferencebetweenpursuingaproduct and focusingourmindrsquosthoughtsonthatproduct

ldquoOftenthesearchprovesmoreprofitablethanthegoalrdquo

--ELKonigsburg

Dailywearelulledintobelievingthat

Products=Happinessandthat

Process=Drudgery

Nonsense

DoyouknowanyonewhoenjoyscookingIlovetowatchbothmysister-in-law Carole and my brother-in-law Bruce take equal pleasure in the product(bringingdinner to the table)and theprocess -- selecting the recipegatheringthe ingredientscreating thesauce seasoning thepastaand themeatsand the

vegetablesLikemany talented chefsCarole andBrucehave learned to enjoytheprocessasmuchas(ifnotmorethan)theproduct

Thisthenisourchallenge--toenjoythemeansasmuchastheendtoacceptthenotionthattheprocessisnotjustaroadsignitrsquostheroad

WeallknowthatproductsbringuspleasureandrewardusininfinitewaysbutbecauseourthoughtsdeterminewhatkindoflifeweleadwemustfindwaystomorethoroughlyenjoytheprocessImagineifarunnerexperiencedthesamejoyintakingastrideasincrossingthefinishline

ldquoPassiondoesnrsquotlookbeyondthemomentofitsexistencerdquo

--ChristianNBovee

Doesthissoundimpossible

My daughter Melyssa would say no arguing that despite a societalpreoccupation with ldquoproductsrdquo (of both kinds) itrsquos theoretically possible toenjoy every processOf course striving to achieve ldquoproductsrdquo isnrsquot inherentlyevilitrsquosonlyaproblemwhenitblindsustotheprocesswhenitleadsustopicktherosesfromthegardenwithoutevensmellingthem

EnjoytheRide

Religiousmaximsremindus that life itself isaprocess--ldquolife isa journeynotadestinationrdquoAnddailywersquoreremindedtoldquoenjoytheriderdquoNonethelessweoftenforgetthatthebusridetotheamusementpark(process)canbejustasenjoyableastheamusementparkitself(product)ifonlyweletit(childrenonafieldtriparequicktopointoutthatthebusrideisoftenthemostenjoyablepart)

One of my lightbulb moments occurred some years ago on my way toBaltimoretowatchtheOriolesplaybaseballIwastravelingwiththreeofmyfriends when the conversation turned to traffic That particular day it wasbumper-to-bumperandourcollectivefrustrationwasapparent(ldquo weshouldhaveleftearlierrdquoandldquolookatthatidiotcrossinglanesrdquo)MentallyIstartedtorecord the conversation and realized thatmore than 30of itwas devoted totrafficOuch

ldquoLordhowthedaypassesItislikealifesoquicklywhenwedonrsquotwatchitandsoslowlyifwedordquo

--JohnSteinbeck

So I tried a little thought experiment and placed the four of us at a cornerboothatthelocalrestaurantIimaginedwewerenoshingonchipsandsippingmargheritaslaughingandtellingjokessimplyenjoyingoneanotherrsquoscompanyChances are slim as we sat there eating potato skins that the conversationwould turn to traffic (after all we were sitting in a restaurant) Yet here wewere four friends togetheron theway toaballgameconsumedby talkaboutlanechangesandarrogantdrivers

Theproblemofcoursewasnrsquot thetrafficatall-- theproblemwashowwethoughtaboutitNowIrsquollbethefirsttoadmitthatahighwayrsquosvisualcuesarecompellingthatitrsquoshardnottogetriledupwhenyouseemanicdriverstryingtomake their way where no car should ever go but these visual cues need notdestroytheprocess(enjoyingtimewithgoodfriends)evenaswestrivetoreachtheproduct(arrivingattheballpark)

FindingPleasureinEverythingYouDo

Sothenexttimeyoursquoreonalatenightruntothesupermarkettrynottobesointentonreturninghome(product)thatyoufailtoenjoytheprocess--listeningtothecarradiosharingastorywith thecheckoutattendantpassingafriendlywordtoaneighbor

Challenge5BTheCycleNeverEnds

The remarkable part of the Product-Process Connundrum is that the cycle never ends that iseveryproducthasaprocessandinturneveryprocesscanbesubdividedintoanendlessstringofmini-products and processes For example once we decide to marinate the chicken (our latestproduct) an entirely new process magically unfolds selecting the marinade deciding whatingredientstoaddfindingthebrushtospreaditturningthechickenovercheckingbackinanhourortwotoreapplyandsoonandsoforth

Thepointisthecycleneverends--wesetoursightsonaproductandaprocessunfoldsAndonce engaged in the process a new product appears The cycle continues until fatigued fromthoughtwedecidetostopthinkingaboutthem

Andthenexttimethatyoursquoreheadinghomefromworktrynottobesointentonpullingintothedriveway(product) thatyouneglect toenjoythetriphomeImagine the walk to your car as part of your exercise program think of afriendly word to the parking attendant as a bid to connect consider that anendlesstrafficjamoffersmoretimetoenjoyaradiosegmentthatyouotherwisemighthavemissed

ldquoDonotthinkthatwhatyourthoughtsdwelluponisofnomatterYourthoughtsaremakingyourdquo

--BishopSteere

Andthenexttimethatyoumoveintoanewhometrynottobesofocusedonputtingeverythingaway(product)thatyoumissachancetoembracetheprocess-- the memories that flow from unpacking sentimental treasures that warmfeelingfromwatchingfamilymembersworktogetherthedreamsthatflowfromimaginingwhatanewhomewilllooklikewillbecome

GrantYourselfPermission

Believeitornotyoursquoreactuallyallowed--yesyoursquoreactuallypermitted--toenjoyyournewhomefromthemomentthatyoumoveinYoudonrsquothavetowait until the carpets are cleaned or the woodshop is ready or the bags areunpacked The fact is therersquos no required waiting period for pleasure tobegin

Sodonrsquotwait tobehappyDonrsquotwait untiltheproductisachievedFeelgoodrightnowRealizethatassoonastheprocessbeginsyoursquorefree--trulyfreetoenjoyeverypartoftheexperience

ldquoThecontinuousinventionofnewwaysofobservingismanrsquosspecialsecretoflivingrdquo

--JZYoung

Enjoytheprocess

Challenge5CCreatingaTrigger

Ifyouwish to spendmore timeenjoying theprocess try theldquotriggerrdquochallenge Itrsquosnothingdramatic -- it simplyencouragesus tocreatesomeformofvisualauditoryorkinestheticldquotriggerrdquotohelpshiftourthoughtstotheprocess

Creatinga triggerof coursewonrsquotmagically transformyour thoughtsor behavior And no trigger can quickly induce human change -- onlyawarenesscandothatButatriggernonethelesscanhelpusspeedalongtheprocess

A personal trigger might be nothing more than a word (spokeninternally)amovementorasoundAtriggerneedonlyremindustostopfixatingontheproductandbeginenjoyingtheprocessThebesttriggersofcoursearetheonesthatwecreateandthemoreactivethebetterIsupposethat the ideal triggerwould activate all of our sensesBut IrsquomproposingsomethingmoremodestIrsquomproposingatriggerthatisequalpartssimpleandswift

Herersquoswhat I dowhen I findmy thoughts locked on the product Iclenchmyhandintoafist(product)andslowlyopenitup(process)Thehand flexwhich takes all of five seconds remindsme to shiftmy focusfrom theproduct (my fist) to theprocess (my fingers) If I have an extramomentItrytorollmyfingersoutslowlyasifeachonerepresentsapartoftheprocessI imaginetakingpleasureineverystepAndifIrsquomluckymythoughtsbegintoshiftawayfromtheproductifonlyforawhile

If yoursquore thinking about creating your own personal trigger Irsquodrecommend that you 1 keep it simple 2 engage your senses and 3recognize that you may have to change it at some point to avoidembarrassingmoments(clenchingyourfistatthenextboardmeetingmightbeatouchuncomfortable)

Challenge5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself

ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthisreportisfinishedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthekitcheniscleaneduprdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilschoolisoutrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepresentationiscompletedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilIrsquovefinishedpaintingthebasementrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepartyisoverrdquo

Therearetimeswhenwesaythesewordswithenthusiasm(ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntil the show tomorrownightrdquo)whenour excitement about theproduct(watching the show) actually enhances our enjoyment of the process(lookingforwardtoit)

ButmoreoftenthannotthephraseldquoIcanrsquotwaitrdquosignalssorrownot joy The phrase typically flows from frustration from a desire tocomplete the dreaded task so that other pursuits can be enjoyed -- egmusic television eating socializing reading going to the theater orattendingasportingevent

WishingThemAway

Sadly a remarkable amount of our mental life is spent hoping theunpleasanttasksbeforeus(moreaccuratelythosetaskswersquovedecidedareunpleasant)willbedonePrivatelywethinkabouthowgooditwillfeeltobefinishedhowpleasedwewillbewhenthefilingisdonethemailissortedtheproposaliscomplete

Howthendowelearntoenjoythefilingtotakepleasureinsortingthemailtoenjoypreparingtheproposalnotsimplycompletingit

Todoso tomore thoroughlyenjoy theprocesswemust firstbecomeaware of our thoughts and the degree towhichwe equate productswithhappinessandprocesswithdrudgery

Herethenisourthree-partchallenge

Part1Selectone (yes justone)unpleasant task that isa taskyoudonrsquotparticularlyenjoydoing thekindthatquicklystirsupnegative

thoughtsinsideofyou

Part 2 The next time you begin this task consciously decide toldquowatchyourthoughtsrdquothatistolistentoyourprivatethoughtsasyoubegintheactivitythenstartdoingtheactivity

Step3Asyoursquoreldquothoughtwatching1rdquoaskyourselfthreequestionstorevealyourproduct-processorientation

Q1HowoftendoIthinkaboutfinishing(frequency)Q2Howstrongarethesefeelings(emotion)Q3Howlongdothesethoughtslast(persistence)

The good news is yoursquoll have plenty of chances to run theseldquothoughtexperimentsrdquoOrmaybethatrsquosthebadnews

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearhere

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoy

ldquoIfinditextremelydifficulttoenjoycookinglsquoontherunrsquothatisrunninginafterworkandrunningtochangeandgetdinnercookingItisunpleasantbecauseIreallylovetocookbutdonrsquotwanttofeelrushedandunabletobelsquocreativersquoaboutcooking

ldquoAlsoIcannotenjoysomeofthedailytasksthatIhavetodowithmyMother(iegettingherreadyforbed)This hangs overmy head until she is upstairs and in her bed I canrsquot relax and enjoymy eveningbecauseIknowthatthischoreiscomingupCanrsquotexplainitrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoIhatecleaninghouseOhIlikeaneathouseAndIrsquomembarrassedifanyonecomestomydoorwhenIrsquomnotexpectingthemMytoleranceforclutterishigherthanmostmalesSoIallowmyselftoavoidthe

unpleasanttaskofcleaninghouseThereisNOenjoymentinitformeduringtheprocessandlittleafteritrsquosdonerdquo--NatE

ldquoLightlyunpleasantpayingbills (thebestpart iswhen itrsquosover -- itrsquosnot really themoneyspendingaspect itrsquos the choregotta do drudgery aspect) supremely unpleasant counseling out or terminatingemployees(fortunatelynotveryregular)especiallyifothersthanmyselfshouldhavebeenprovidingmoreconstructivefeedbackpriortothesituationreachingthisnecessityrdquo--JoelR

ldquoPhone calls to difficult customers any kind of tax (FedState) preparation delivering bad news toanyonerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoUnsavoryTasksTheonlythingthatIwouldcategorizethiswayisthehomeworkstudyingrequiredformyStatistics(sadistics)classwhichIamcurrentlytakinginmyMBAprogramItisverydemandingandthesubjectmatterisoneaboutwhichIdonotparticularlycareHoweverIremindmyselfthatitwillsoonbeoverandthatthereareotherssufferingthroughitaswellAmethodIfrequentlyemploytogetmethroughthisandotherunsavorytasksistoremindmyselfthatitcouldalwaysbemuchworse

ldquoForinstancedespitethefactthatIhavenointerestinStatisticsIamabletodothehomeworkandpasstheexamsItwouldbeextremelyunpleasantifIwerelessintelligentandnotabletograsptheconceptsofthisrequiredcourseThemostcommonthingaboutwhichIconstantlyremindmyself is that Iamnot inwarItrytorevisitthefeelingthatIhadafterseeinglsquoSavingPrivateRyanrsquooradocumentaryIrecentlysawabout POWrsquos in Vietnam called lsquoReturnWith Honorrsquo Though this does not allow me to lsquoenjoyrsquo anunsavorytaskitgetsmethroughitwithminimalcomplaintrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoNowifIcouldonlyfindthesilverlininginscrubbingtheshowerstallrdquo--VickiS

ldquoCleaningoutthekittylitterusedbyourtwocatsrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIdislikemakingmybedIdonrsquotliketodoweekendchoresegfixingthingspaintingetc--avoidaslongaspossibleIdonrsquotliketogetupearly--doitforbusinessmeetingsortogetMaxtoschoolrdquo--CarlE

ldquoIhaveadifficult timeenjoyinganything thathasbadsmellsassociatedwith itYouprobablydonotneeddetailshererdquo--KarinU

ldquoTheroutinetasksthatareperformedinahurry(cleaninglaundrygroceryshopping)canbeenjoyablewhen not in a hurry Itrsquos not always the task that is unpleasant but the context in which it is beingperformedIthinkthecontextismuchmoreimportantingeneralthantheplacesandactivitiesThinkaboutdoingsomethingroutinebyyourselfwithsomeoneyoudonrsquotparticularlycareforandwithalonglostfriendItdramaticallychangesthelsquofun-nessrsquooftheactivitybecausetheactivityisnolongerthemainfocusCompanionshipcompatibilitylaughtertakeoverrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoUnsavory Tasks totally unpleasant is confrontation of any kind Although I have gotten better athandlingitIalwayshavesickfeelinginmystomachbeforeduringandafteraconfrontationwithsomeoneEvenifitturnsoutOKSomewhatrelatedismeetingorfacingstrangers--lotsofanxietythereunlesstheyaretotallyonmyturfwhereIhavesomeexperienceorexpertiseDonrsquotgetmewrongIdefinitelyenjoypeopleitjusttakesmetimetofeelcomfortableandperhapstrustingofthemrdquo--VickiH

ldquoUnsavoryTasks thinkingofwhat tomake for lunchesordinner I lovemaking the food I justhatedecidingwhattomakerdquo--GailC

PureOutcomeldquoVeryfewmomentsareperceivedaspureoutcomerdquo

--HughPrather

1ldquoThoughtwatchingrdquoisachallengingendeavorbecauseourthoughtstendtoloopasifonaldquothoughtwheelrdquoAthoughtrisesfromanynumberofsourcesquicklypeaksinintensitylaysdormantforawhileonlytoriseagainsomewhatlessintenselythanbefore

Rule6

Pause

ldquoNothingvaluablecanbelostbytakingtimerdquo--AbrahamLincoln

I used to joke thatAmericarsquos urban residentswere all communists becauseeveryone I knewwas rushinrsquo The quip still drawsmoderate laughter but theunderlying themes do not Nearly 30 years after Alvin Toffler pennedFutureShockhispropheciesareringingtrue--lifeisindeedspeedingup

Anditrsquosnotaprettysight

In todayrsquos up-tempo technologically driven society we rush aboutmercilesslyPhysicallywedriveourselves to fatigue traipsingcross-townandcross-countryMentallywedriveourselvestodistractioncreatinganeuralwebof rolesandresponsibility Increasinglyourdesire toarriveat thenextstationstopissopowerfulthatwefailtonoticethefruitstandsandchestnutoaksthatlineourpath

ldquoOurpatiencewillachievemorethanourforcerdquo--EdmundBurke

Howdoweslowthepace

By recognizing that the externalworldwill neitherwait for us nor slow tomeetourneedsMore thanacenturyafterAlexanderGrahamBellrsquos inventionalteredthenatureofhumancommunicationaprofusionofchoicesconfrontus-- voice mail and e-mail cell phones and pagers faxes and wireless InternetconnectivityWe thrill at the soundof awireless connection andpraise the e-

Gods for delivering faster hookups and high-speed data lines But have theyenhancedourqualityof lifeHavewegainedmorethanwersquovelostfromthesehigh-techtreats

Paradoxically many of the worldrsquos technological innovations threaten todissolve the very resource that they sought to create time And from allappearancesnotoolhasyettoappearonthetechnologicalhorizontoturnthattideWhichleavesuswithlittlechoiceIfwewishtodownshiftslowthetempoourbestchanceistoturninsideWeneedbetterfiltersbetterscreensweneedwaystomanagethestaggeringamountof incomingcerebral trafficInawordweneedtolearnhowtopause

ldquoThetimetorelaxiswhenyoudonrsquothavetimeforitrdquo

--SidneyJHarris

CalmingDownTheAmygdala

Brainresearchershaveconfirmedwhatwelonghaveknownintuitively--thattherersquos aphysiological benefit topausingRememberhowyourparentswouldtell you to ldquocount rsquotil 10rdquo when you became angry Do you know why thatworksIthastodowithhowyourbrainiswiredWhenacrisiseruptsroughly10ofyourneuronsarerouteddirectlytotheamygdalayourbrainrsquosemotionalcenterTheother90areroutedthroughthecerebralcortextheldquothinkingrdquopartofyourbrainScientistsbelieve thatwersquorewired thiswayforsurvival that ispart of our brain is designed to simply ldquoreactrdquo even before we ldquothinkrdquo Bycountingto10itallowsthoseneuronsthatfirsttraveledtotheamygdalatore-routeandgothroughthecerebralcortexThatisitgivesustimetoldquothinkrdquo

ACriticalSkill

Pausing is another of those critical life skills that school fails to address(ldquolisteningrdquo tops that list seeRule 11)And itrsquos not the easiest skill to learnPausing is difficult to improvebecausewe live in an agewhichpraises speedandglorifiesproductivity

ButlearningtopauseisworththeinvestmentItgivesustimetoreassessouroptionstochooseourwordsandactionsmorewiselyPausinggivesustimetocatchourbreathphysicallyandmetaphoricallytoidleourengineifonlyforamomentbeforewespeedoffinathousandnewdirectionsApausemaylastjust

a second or two (though aweek-long pause sounds somewhat appealing) butwhateverthelengtheachtimewechoosetopausewegiveourselvesapricelessgift--thegiftoftime

TryitoutThenexttimeyoustepintoyourcartrypausingforjustasecondortwobeforeyouturnontheengineflipontheradioorhookupyourseatbeltPausetakeadeepbreath

And tonight when you slip into bed pause for just a moment before youreach for the book on your night stand Throughout the day try pausing beforeyoudialthephoneorpouryourselfacoldonebeforeyousaynotoyourkids or yes to a volunteer request Soon enough yoursquoll find that simply bypausingyoursquovecreatedspaceforyourselfthatyouneverknewexisted

ldquoPatienceistheabilitytoidleyourmotorwhenyoufeellikestrippingyourgearsrdquo

--BarbaraJohnson

RushingisOptional

Thinkbacktoarecent timewhenyouwererushingaboutChancesare thematterwasnrsquoturgentthatistherewasnomedicalemergencyorlife-threateningsituation The fact is when we review lifersquos moments we find that only ahandfuldemand anup-tempopace aquick reactionor an instantaneous replyNonethelessourpersonalmantraisoneofspeedandhasteandsoonweforgetthatrushingisanoption

So

thenexttimeyoursquorelisteningtosomeoneyoulovetrypausingbeforeyouspeaklongenoughtohearyourprivatethoughts

andthenexttimeyousitdowntodothebillstrypausinglongenoughtohearyourworriesandyourfears

Chances are that if you take the time to pause yoursquoll quickly learn howpowerfulfivesecondscanbe

Tomorrowrsquos pressureswill come soon enoughTherewill be amoment ortwowhen your emotional center is fully chargedWhen thismoment arrivesconsiderRule6Itrsquosaphysiologicalfactthatamomentarystoppageinplay--beita20-secondtimeoutorafullone--willgiveyouenoughtimetoengagethethinkingpartofyourbrainThegoodnewsisthatinlifeunlikebasketballyoudonrsquotrunoutoftimeouts

ldquoInanycontestbetweenpowerandpatiencebetonpatiencerdquo

--WBPrescott

Wellnotexactly

FormoreseeAppendixBldquoLearningtoPauserdquo(p193)

Challenge6ACreateAPersonalTrigger

Todaywill be no different Today yoursquoll saymore than 10000wordsandmakemorethan1000decisionsAndthoughmostwillbeldquoautomaticrdquoa small handful will have a major impact on your self-esteem yourrelationshipsandyourlifedirection

Choose wisely But choose slowly Pausing is always in season butnevermoresothatwhenwespeakandwhenwedecide

Imagine if inside your neural network you were able to build anautonomicmechanismforpausingIfyoubuiltsuchasystemyourwordswouldmore likely inspire than irritate yourdecisionsbasedmoreonintelligencenotimpulsivity

So try creating a mental trigger for pausing that is a system thatinstructs you to pause before you speakAnd pause before youdecide

Yourldquotriggerrdquomightbe

diamsPhysicalplacingafingertoyourlipsdiamsVisualimagingwavesthatcomeshoreordiamsAuditoryhearingavoicethatsimplywhispersldquowaitrdquo

Thetrickistofindatriggerthatworksforyouonethatfitscomfortablyintoyour thoughtpatternandyourmental schemeExperimenthave funbeplayfulThenifyoufindonethatworkstrytomakeitapermanentpartofyourprocessIfyoudothebenefitswilllastalifetime

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowoftendoyoupause

ldquoPausingWhewwhataconceptIfevertherewereapersonwhowasinneedofthisconceptitmustbeme

ldquoRealizingthatandthenmovingonitisanothermatterindeedPratherrsquoswords1arenoteasilyadheredto(formeatleast)ItrulybelieveIamattimesalmostlsquoADDrsquoinmythinkingpatternsIhavereadandre-readPratherrsquoswordsAmstillnotfullyunderstandingthembutwillattempttomakethetwodayexerciserdquo

ldquoWillgetbacktoyouinthreedaystime(hopefully)Sendsearchteamsifyouhavenrsquotheardfrommeinthreedays--MickeyF

ldquoIhavebeentoldthatmeditationmakesusawareofourthinkingasbeinglikeframesinamoviewithever growing gaps between each framethought until it ismore gap than frame PauseAlways insightsseemtocomewhenwelsquodaydreamrsquo--theyseemtorequirethepause(thatrefreshes)rdquo--JohnN

Patience

ldquoOnlythosewhohavethepatiencetodosimplethingsperfectlywillacquiretheskilltododifficultthingseasilyrdquo

--JohannFriedrichVonSchiller

TheMostImportantTalentldquoIfIhavemadeanyvaluablediscoveriesithasbeenowingmoretopatientattentionthantoanyothertalentrdquo

--SirIsaacNewton

1HughPrather in his bookldquoNotes onHow toLive inThisWorld andStillBeHappyrdquooffers tips onlearningtopauseExcerptsappearinAppendixB

Rule7

Laugh

ldquoPeoplewholaughactuallylivelongerthanthosewhodonrsquotlaughFewpersonsrealizethathealthactually

variesaccordingtotheamountoflaughterrdquo--DrJamesWalsh

ItrsquosofficialThestatisticsareinLaughterheals

Three decades of research have confirmed what Norman Cousins knewinstinctively--thatlaughterworksItlowersbloodpressurereducesyourheartrateboostsyourimmunesystemandhelpsyoucopewithpain

As if thatrsquos not enough laughter also improves relationships builds trustamongalliesandenemiesandhelpsconquerfearsandanxietiesAndthoughnophysicianwillprescribe itandnopharmacystocks it itrsquosquitepossible thatadailydoseoflaughterisnaturersquosperfectmedicineanaturalhealer

ldquoAgainsttheassaultoflaughternothingcanstandrdquo--MarkTwain

More than 30 years ago Norman Cousins combined his extraordinaryintuition and courage to stake claim to the notion that laughter is indeed thebestmedicineCousins theorized then proved that a regular dose of laughterwouldremovethecancerfromhisbodyCousinsbecamelivingtestimonytothemind-bodyconnectiondemonstratingbeyonda shadowof adoubt thathumorheals

SinceCousinsrsquopioneeringworkresearcherstheworldoverhaveaffirmedthepower of laughter Countless studies confirm that laughter createsmeasurablephysiological changes in the human bodyA sampling of study results showsthatjovialburstscan

bullRelievepain--laughterhelpspatientscopewithpain--laughterreleasesendorphinsthebodyrsquosnaturalpainkillersbullLoweryourheartrate--ldquoWhenwelaughourheartrateincreaseswhenwefinishlaughingitthendecreasestoarateslowerthanbeforewestartedtolaughrdquobullRelaxyourmuscles--ldquoTensioninourmusclesincreaseswhenwelaughandlessensoncewersquoredonerdquobullImprovebreathing--ldquoIncreasedrespirationfromlaughingclearsoutthedeadspacesinourlungsareasthatnormallydonrsquotgetoxygenatedrdquoandbullBoostyourimmunesystem1

ldquoTimespentlaughingistimespentwiththeGodsrdquo--Japaneseproverb

LifersquosNaturalResource

And the body of research continues to grow confirming what we senseintuitivelythattheabilitytoexerciseourinnerclowndirectlyaffectsourabilitytoenjoylife

StarttoLaugh

Sothenexttimeyoursquoregrippedwithfrustration

oracaseofill-will

starttolaugh

Andthenexttimeyourvoicebeginstosoar

andyournervesbegintofray

starttolaugh

ldquoLaughteristhemosthealthfulexertionrdquo

--CWilhelmHufeland

BuywhimsicalbookswatchfrivilouscomediesVisitcomedyclubsandreadcartoonsMake funny faces in themirrorWhatever your fancymake time inyourbusyscheduletolaugh

Itrsquospowerfulmedicine

Challenge7ALaughingallthewaytowork

Youprobably think that Irsquommaking this up but at one time licensedpsychologist Phyliss Shanken was employed as a ldquohumor consultantrdquo(currently shersquos theDirector ofPsychologicalServices at INTROSPECTofBuxMontwwwpshankencom)Butdonrsquot let that foolyou -- shersquosanexpertonlaughingBelowPhylisssharesherownstoryandinsodoingchallengeseachofustoldquolaughourselvessillyrdquo

Phylissshowustheway

ldquoEverymorning on the way to my office when I reach thetraffic lightatFivePointsPlazaIstart to laughIt takesaboutthree to four minutes to drive from there to my office and Icontinue to laughheartily theentire time Irsquomalone in thecarno one has toldme a joke 91 FM radio is probably reportingdepressing news or guests on a talk show are discussingproblemsintheworldtodayYetIlaughInordertostartmyselfoff Idonrsquoteven try to thinkofanything funny I justbreak intoguffaws Ifpeople inothercarsgivemewide-eyedstares I justlaughmoreAfterallembarrassmentbreedslaughter

ldquoWhydoIputmyselfthroughthischortlingworkoutBecauseI know that according to Dr William Fry a Stanfordpsychiatristwhohasbeenastudentoflaughterforthreedecadeslaughing 100 times a day (about three minutes) is thecardiovascularequivalentof10minutesofrowingJust thinkof

Rule17-WelcomeMistakes

5RulesforAchievingYourGoalsIntroductionThePerfectRecipeRule18-ZerotoOneRule19-BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20-SetGoalsNotExpectations

6TheFinalRuleRule21-QuestionAllRules

AppendicesA-TreatYourselfB-LearningtoPauseC-TooManyBadHabitsD-RecruitStrongPartners

E-HowGoodaListenerAreYouF-TheHumanTranslatorG-WillYouPleaseJustListenH-LearningHowtoTakeRisks

I-OnthePhysicsofRocks(goal-setting)J-HowManyBumpsHaveYouHadTodayK-AreYouaLightSwitchoraDimmerL-WeHaveVeryHighExpectationsofourStudents

MyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsQuestionsaboutLivingEveryMoment(Rules1-3)

Q1-DoyoutreatyourselfkindlyQ2-Ishavingfunaskill(andrelatedquestions)Q3-Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

QuestionsaboutLivingWithYourself(Rules4-8)Q4-HowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentQ5-WhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoyQ6-HowoftendoyoupauseQ7-Doeslaughterandsmilingmakeyoufeelbetter

Q8-Doyouoftenthinkaboutyourhabits

QuestionsaboutLivingWithOthers(Rules9-13)Q9-DoyourespectPPIsQ10-DoyoureceivemoreUSSsthanyoudeliverQ11-HowimportantislisteningQ12-WhatkindacthaveyoudonelatelyQ13-Whatrsquosthedifferencebetweenldquobeingkindrdquoandldquohelpingothersrdquo

QuestionsaboutMakingGoodDecisions(Rules14-17)Q14-HowdoyoumakedecisionsQ15-Howimportantisittobearisk-takerQ16-IsconsistencyoverratedQ17-Whatrsquosthedifferencebetweenamistakeandabaddecision

AQuestionaboutAchievingYourGoals(Rules18-20)Q18-WhendoesyourPGAbecomeself-critical

AQuestionaboutTheFinalRule(Rule21)Q21-Whatrulesmakenosense

ChallengesChallenges-LivingwithYourself

1ATreatyourself4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent5AInsearchofthehappymoment5BThecycleneverends5CCreatingatrigger

5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo6ACreateapersonaltrigger7ALaughingallthewaytowork8ACreateanewhabit5simplesteps

Challenges-LivingWithOthers9AR-e-s-p-e-c-t=t-c-e-p-s-e-R10AHowlongcanyouwait11ALendanear12AldquoThankyouforcallingandbestofluckrdquo13ATheredlightchallenge

Challenges-MakingGoodDecisions14ATherersquosnosuchthingasabaddecision15AOhgoaheadtakearisk

17AAfteryournextmistake17BTrimyourldquoregretcyclerdquo

Challenges-AchievingYourGoals18AHowsharpisyourknife19AWhilelyinginbed19BldquoOuttolunchbebackinanhourrdquo

Foreword

ThisbookisperfectformyfriendMitchWilliamswhosohetellsmeoftenstartsreadingbooksinthemiddleIdonrsquotquiteunderstandhowhedoesthatIrsquoveheardhimexplainitadozentimesldquoYesIjustopenthebookinthemiddleandstartreadingrdquo

HonestlyIdonrsquotgetitbutinthiscasewith21RuleshersquodbespotonbecausethisisnrsquotoneofthosebooksthatyoureadfronttobackItrsquosaskip-aroundbookGlancethecontentsenjoythepoignantquotesoneverypagePickitupputitdownDonrsquotmakeitachoreReadingshouldnrsquotbeachorePerhapsthatrsquosRule22

OhanddonrsquotmisstheAppendicesall12ofthemTheyrsquorechockfullofgreatwisdomndashnoneofitfrommeIrsquovesimplygatheredinsightfromworldexpertsandcondenseditforyou

Irsquovespentthebetterpartofmyadultlifereadingself-helpbooksandIfinallyrealizedthatitwastimetoputmyjournalisticbackgroundtouseSothisbookinessenceisacompilationofthewisdomsharedovertheyearsbyself-helpgurusIrsquovejustbroughtitalltogetherforyou

Irsquomhappytosharesomeofmyfavorites(Rules10and19topthechartalongwithAppendixFtitledldquoTheHumanTranslatorrdquo)butyoursquollsoonfindsomeofyourownandIrsquodlovetoknowwhattheyareSopleasesendalonganemail(steveferbergmailcom)toletmeknowAnddonrsquotbeshyIrsquodlovetohearfromyou

TheinspirationbehindthisbookofcoursearethefourwomenwithwhomIrsquommadlyinlovendashmywifeRoe(thisyearwecelebrateour35thyearofmarriage)andourdaughtersMelyssaNatalieandOliviaEachofthemisagiftfromheaveninsightfulstrongintouchmotivatedcaringandwiseIloveyou

AndIlovethefriendsandfamilywhowerekindenoughtoanswermyendlessseriesofquestionsandwhoallowedmetopublishtheiranswersinthis

book(inspecialsectionscallednotsurprisinglyldquoMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsrdquo)Stopandreadoneortwoyoursquollbeimpressedwiththeirinsight

SothankyoutomysisterIlenemysister-in-lawCaroleuncleAllanbrother-in-lawBrucecousinsChrisJillMarnieandSteeve(yesitrsquostwoersquos)andfriendsgalorendashBobbiCordingleyCarlEcksteinGailChmuraDaveRuppGaryMillerJoelAnnReaJoeBrancatelliJohnNelsonJerrySemperKathyDowdKarinUdlerMarleyCasagrandeMickeyFilipponiNatEmeryRonTaylorSheilaFilipponiVickiHutmanandVickiSullivan

IrsquodalsoliketothankJayDeegandesignerextraordinairewhodesignedsixversionsofthebookcoverandimpressesusdailywithhisgeniusAndfinallyaspecialthankyoutomygoodfriendandcolleagueElizabethBushwhotookthetimetoeditthisbookanddelightmewithhercommentssuggestionsandcritiqueSheisaspecialpersonIwisheachofyoucouldmeether

ThankyouforpickingthisbookupIhopethatithasmeaningforyou

SteveFerberCharlestonSouthCarolina

September2012

IntroductionTheWindowampTheWind

ldquoManrsquosgreatnessliesinhispowerofthoughtrdquo--BlaisePascal

Inlargemeasurethisbookisaboutourthoughtsthethoughtsthatourmindcreates and re-creates as we experience life Thoughts are said to be thewindowtoourlivesbutIbelievethattheyarethewindaswell

There is no escaping the notion that our thoughts define our entire humanexperience--theystandbehindeverywordthatwespeakeveryactionthatwetakeand(nearly)everyemotionthatwefeelYetknowingthiswespendbutafractionofourtimeexaminingourthoughtsInsteadwespendmuchofourdayrepeatingtiredandworn-outthoughtpatterns

ldquoThekeytoeverymanishisthoughtrdquo--RalphWaldoEmerson

This book is about changing those patterns about thinking new thoughtsaboutcapturingmorehappymomentsdeliveringmorelovingsmilesCentraltoourthemeisthenotionthatwecanchoosewhattothinkthatweactuallyhaveachoice about what private thoughts to ponder But do we Can we actuallychoosewhattothink

Basedonwhatweknowaboutthephysiologyofthebrain--ie theneuralcompetitionbetweenlogic(thecerebralcortex)andemotion(theamygdala)--itappearsreasonabletospeculatethat1Wehavesomeabilitytochoosewhatwethink (though our powerful emotional centers honed over 40000 years forsurvivalcaneasilyoverwhelmourlogicsystems)2Eachindividualrsquosabilitytoldquochooserdquovariesdramaticallygiventhateachhumanbeingisauniqueblendof

natureandnurture3Weallarecapableofimproving--thatiseachofuscanenhanceourabilitytochoose

DoWeReallyHaveaChoice

AsayoungsterthenateenagerandyoungadultIviewedchoiceasnothingmorethanldquoactivityselectionrdquoInthiscontextchoicemeantdecidingwhattodonextwithourpersonalandfamilytime

ldquoWhatbookshouldIreadnextrdquo

ldquoWhatrestaurantshouldwegotofordinnerrdquo

ldquoWhatTVshowshouldIwatchrdquo

ldquoEveryeventthatamanwouldmastermustbemountedontherunandnomanevercaughtthereinsofathoughtexceptasitgallopedpasthimrdquo

--OliverWendellHolmes

If we are fortunate our lives offermany such choices But the concept ofchoicegoesfarbeyondmereactivities--choiceencompassesallthatwesay(thewords thatwespeak) all thatwedo (theactionswe take) andas Iwill soonarguenearlyallthatwethink(thethoughtsthatfillourminds)

DoWeChooseWhattoSay

OfcourseAfteralltoavoidoffendingotherswithourwordswecansimplychoosenottospeak(howeverdifficultthatmayseemattimes)Eachdaywersquorefaced with thousands of decisions none more critical than knowing when tospeak and in turn knowing what to say The words that we speak haveenormous influence over our lives because they define the health of ourrelationshipsThisiswhywemustchooseourwordscarefullytomakecertainthatweavoidatallcostsspeakingharshlytothosewhomwelove

DoWeChooseWhattoDo

NoquestionIfwewantedtoavoidoffendingotherswithouractionswecansimplychoosenottoact--tositquietlyandobserveandcontemplate

ButOurThoughts

CanwereallychoosewhattothinkIbelievethatwecanIbelievethatitrsquospossibletomoveourpersonalthoughttrackseversogentlyinthedirectionthatwedesireGrantedourthoughtpatternsaredeeplyingrainedandmayindeedsolidify with age But study after study personal experience after personalexperienceaffirmsthatchangeispossible

ldquoLifeistheonlygameinwhichtheobjectofthegameistolearntherulesrdquo

--AshleighBrilliant

Thekeyofcourse isawarenessAfterallhowcanwechangeourpatternsunlessweknowwhattheyare

HiddenFromtheWorld

Byand largeourmentalhabits arehidden from theworldThatrsquoswhy itrsquoseasierforafriendtotellustostopsmoking(physicalhabit)thantostopbeingself-critical (mental habit) Chances are that our friends probably know howmanytimesadaywesmokeacigarettebuttheylikelyhavenoideahowmanytimesadayweprivatelycriticizeourselves

Theworldisobsessedwithimprovingourphysicalhabits--wersquoretoldtoeatamorenutritiousbreakfastexercisethreetimesaweeksleepafulleighthoursa night But where are the comparable preachings for improving our mentalhabits

Yesourmentalhabitsmaybehidden from theworldbut theyrsquorecertainlynothiddenfromusThetruthisifyoupauselongenoughtoactuallywatchyourthoughtstoobserveandanalyzethemyoursquollquicklynoticehowrepetitivetheyare Though each of us considers ourselves unique and mysterious andcomplextherealityisthatourthoughtpatternsourldquoprivatethoughttracksrdquoarequitepredictable

Rest assured just as our neural networks instruct our body to move in acertainway(eg tyingourshoelacesswingingagolfclub)thesesameneuralnetworks instruct ourmind to think in a certainway (eg getting upsetwhensomeonecutsusoffintraffic)

ldquoYoubecomewhatyouthinkaboutrdquo

--EarlNightingale

LetrsquostakeanexampleSaythataclosefriendtellsyouthatyoursquorebeingtoosensitive Chances are that the comment will trigger a sequence of familiarthoughts that leadyou to criticize bothyourself andyour friendThepatternsareall toofamiliar--someoneinsultsyouand inaninstantyourcerebralCDbeginsplayingldquoThoughtTrack25rdquo

OrsaythatapersonchallengesyourauthorityInpopsldquoThoughtTrack41rdquotriggeringawell-wornsequenceofangerandrevengeAndsoitgoesmomentbymoment day after daywe play our pre-recorded thought tracks over andoverandoveragain

Itdoesnrsquothave tobe thatwayWecandeletedislikable tracksandbegin tore-stockthe libraryWecandiscardportionsofour inventoryandcreatefreshnewtracksforthecomingseasonEasytodoOfcoursenotbuttherewardsaresubstantialAfterallasidefromfamilyandyourfriendswhatrsquosmorepreciousthanyourprivatethoughttime

LetrsquosGetPhysical

Irsquoveoftenwonderedwhywespendsomuchtimetryingtoalterourphysicalhabits (eg cutting down on food alcohol or tobacco) but so little on ourmental habitswhywe spend somuch time learning newphysical skills (egguitar tennis yoga computer skills) but so little learning newmental skillsPerhaps itrsquos because our physical habits are public or perhaps itrsquos becausetheyrsquorejusteasiertolearn

Perhaps But imagine the benefits of learning new mental skills Imaginebuildinganinternalsystemwherethoughtscreateconfidenceandself-esteem

Shouldnrsquotwebepayingmoreattentiontoourmentalhabits

CreatingPrivateWordsofEncouragement

WordsareamongmanrsquosmostpowerfulforcesyetweoftenneglecttoharnessthemIrsquomsurethatyoucanrecallamomentinyourlifewhenawordortwo--from a person that you respect -- led you to change a personal decision orperhapsmoredramatically thecourseofyour life Itmayhavebeenasimple

suggestion (ldquoWhy donrsquot you give them a callrdquo) or it may have been strongwordsofsupport(ldquotrustyourinstinctsrdquo)

ldquoEverythoughtwethinkiscreatingourfuturerdquo--LouiseLHay

Irefertotheseurgingsasldquopublicwordsofencouragementrdquobecausewetakethese publicwords and incorporate them into our private thoughts to help usshape future decisionsWe hear publicwords of encouragement not just fromfriends and relatives but from authors and politicians script writers and talkshowhosts1

WhynotlearntocreateourownldquoprivatewordsofencouragementrdquoWhynotstartlisteningtoourselvesItismyferventhopethat21RulesToLiveBywillhelpyoudojustthat

IrecallhowstandingatafuneralseveralyearsagoIstartedtoimaginewhateveryonewasthinkingItseemedthatatthissingularmomentallpettydisputeshaddissolvedalldailyworrieshaddiminishedDuringthisoneuniquemomentitappearedthatwewereallofonemind--sharingthoughtsofloveandwarmthoffriendshipandcompassionYethourslaterintheprivacyofourcarorourhome or our thoughts we quickly reverted to our hackneyed thought tracksthoughtsthatcriticizeandcondemndestroyanddiminish

ldquoThoughttakesmanoutofservitudeintofreedomrdquo--HenryWadsworthLongfellow

Now alone in the privacy of my car I asked myself since theyrsquore justthoughtswhatpreventsusfromcreatingandre-creatingthesamethoughtsthatwe experienced at the funeral If theyrsquore just thoughtswhat prevents us fromcreating themwhilewersquore sitting in trafficweeding thegarden or paying thebillsWhymustwereverttooldpatterns

TheanswerofcourseisthatweneednotAllweneedisanewsetoftools

InthephysicalworldwersquorepresentedwiththousandsoftoolseachcreatedandsoldonthepromisethattheyrsquollsaveyoutimeorincreaseproductivityButrarearethetoolsdesignedtohelpusimproveourmentaloutlookShouldnrsquotwespendmoretimeshoppingforthem

MatchingtheMoments

21RulestoLiveByisonesuchtooldesignedtorelieveanxietyandtensionto diminish anger and aggravation to redirect your thoughts to a happier andhealthierplace

Oneofmyprimarygoalsinwriting21Ruleswastomakeitpracticalthatistoofferspecificldquowordsofencouragementrdquothatyoucouldsharewithyourselfatjusttherightmoment

Whatmomentsarewetalkingabout

diamsmomentswhenyoursquorestrugglingwithlifersquosuncertainties(Rules1-3)

diams moments when yoursquore overwhelmed with anxiety trying to calm yournerves(Rules4-8)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoreinteractingwithanotherpersonbe it a familymember a close friend or a newacquaintance (Rules 9-13)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoretryingtomakeadecision(Rules14-17)

ldquoThenoblestpleasureisthejoyofunderstandingrdquo--LeonardoDaVinci

diams moments when yoursquore creating then striving to reach a personal goal(Rules 18-20) and diams moments when yoursquore frustrated by people orinstitutionsthatremainunwillingtochange(Rule21)

In its simplest form 21 Rules To Live By is a ldquohow-tordquo journal offeringspecificwordsofencouragementforsomeoflifersquosmostanxiety-filledmomentsToo often after reading a self-help book I was left wondering ldquoOK IunderstandwhattheauthorissayingButnowwhatdoIdotocalmdowntofeelbettertofeelmorerelaxedrdquo

With this inmind I crafted each of the 21 ruleswith specificmoments inmindTheconceptwaswheneveroneof thesemomentspresenteditself therewouldbearule--awordofencouragementofguidance--tohelpbringusbacktocentertoeasetheanxietyortheangst

Examplewhenyoursquorestuckinmind-numbingtrafficandyourtemperatureisstarting to rise turn to Rule 4 (Live in the Present) or Rule 5 (Focus on the

Process) Or perhaps yoursquore privately negotiating a career change -- Rule 14(ListenToYourHeart)canhelp

Step1

Mind you the concept of linking words to moments may seem far toosimplistic to generate meaningful long-lasting change Consider then theserulesthesewordsasafirststeptowardsbuildingnewthoughthabitsnewwaysofthinkingaboutourdayrsquostravailsThetruthiswhilelifeisbothdynamicandunpredictable our thought tracks often are not and the more quickly werecognizethisandtakestepstochangethemthehappierwewillbe

ldquoItrsquosonlyathoughtandathoughtcanbechangedrdquo--LouiseMay

Onapersonalnote Ioftenhaveused theserulesduring timesofstressandfrustration and I am pleased to report have experienced notable successNaturally Irsquom not always soothed by just words (intense moments seem tooverwhelmmyability to listen)Butmore thannot theseprivatewordshavehelped my mental outlook releasing my private thoughts to travel in newdirections In essence these rules have helped createmoremental timemoretimeformetodreamandcreateinsteadofgrouseandcomplain

Myhopeisthatasyoureadthisbookyoursquollfindaruleortwothatworksforyou (naturallymorewould bewonderful)My hope is that yoursquoll find a rulethatwhenappliedatjusttherightmomentbringsyouasenseofinnercalmorpeace and lasts formore than amoment If that should be the case Iwill bepleasedbeyondmeasure

This book is not intended as a scientific journal (though itrsquos pepperedwithreferences) nor does it aim to explore the physiology of the human thoughtprocess(itdoestouchbrieflyonauditoryandvisualcues)Insteadthisbookissimplyabidtoofferpersonalwordsofencouragementthatyoucansharewithyourselfasyourmomentsunfold

Why21

Iselectedldquo21rdquorulesforahighlyscientificreasonallthreeofourdaughters(MelyssaNatalieampOlivia)andnowourfirstgrandchild(Emery)arebornonthe21stMywifeRoedeliveredallthreegirlsnaturallythatisnoscheduledC-

sectionsMymotherlovedthecoincidenceofnaturebecauseitwaseasyforhertorememberhergranddaughtersrsquobirthdates--sheonlyneededtorememberthemonth (September February and March by the way just in case yoursquoreplanningtobuyagift)Naturallysincethebirthofourdaughtersthenumber21hasbecomesomethingofafamilyemblemnottomentionthatblackjackismyfavoritecardgame

ldquoThoughtshavepowerthoughtsareenergyAndyoucanmakeyourworldorbreakitbyyourownthinkingrdquo

--SusanTaylor

WhyThese21

Theprocessofselectingthe21ruleswastobesureatouchmorescientificIt involvedmatching lifersquosmoments (eg alonewith our thoughts talking toothersmakingdecisions settinggoals)withspecific rules (it shouldbenotedhowever that the list of 21 is not necessarily in order of importance insteadtheyrsquoregroupedaccordingtomomentstofacilitaterecall)

TheongoingdebatewithinthefamilycontinuesoverRule1ForthebetterpartofadecadeRule1was toldquohavefunrdquo(itrsquosstill in themixdonrsquotworry)MywifeRoeandIstressed this rulebecauseparticularlyon theathletic fieldplayersoften forgot to enjoy themselves Instead theathletic fieldbecameyetanotherbattlegroundofegoandpersonalityToooftenyoungathletesweretoldto focus on winning instead of effort to emphasize aggression instead ofcompassion (no wonder we struggle to build tolerance between races andnations)SoldquohavingfunrdquobecameacentralfamilythemeThefactthatitrsquosbeensupplanted by a new1will likely stir family debates for the next decade ortwo

DonrsquotMissTheseIf yoursquore tight for time make sure you that donrsquot miss these three

passages (some of my favorites) -- ldquoYou Donrsquot Need More Self-Disciplinerdquo (page 68) --TheFirm-FlexContinuum (Rule 19 page169)and--LaughingAlltheWay(page62)

ldquoTheLawofAttractionattractstoyoueverythingyouneedaccordingtothenatureofyourthoughtlifeYourenvironmentalandfinancialconditionaretheperfectreflectionofyourhabitualthinkingThoughtrulestheworldrdquo

--JosephEdwardMurphy

TheRulesThemselves

Herethenisaquicklookatthe21rulesgroupedintosixbroadcategories

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1BeKindtoYourselfRule2HaveFunRule3WorkHard

Asnotedforthebetterpartoftenyearsourfamilyrsquos1rulewastohavefunInourcurrentlistithasnrsquotfallenfar(itrsquosnow2)butthatdoesnrsquotpreventourdaughtersfromgivingusgriefnowandagainTheyinsistthathavingfunisstill1intheirheartsFarbeitfromustodisagree

Butthenew1--BeKindtoYourself--isaworthycompetitorbecauseofitspower to transcend all others Too often we privately criticize ourselvesattacking both our decisions and behavior By and large this self-criticism isdetrimentaltoourwell-beingbluntingourabilitytogrowandevolve

Rule1isavariantonthegoldenrule--treatyourselfasyouwishforotherstotreatyouwithkindnessandpatiencewithgraceandcompassionThisisnrsquotto say that self-criticism doesnrsquot have its place -- it does as guilt and self-examinationareworthyassetsontheroadtoself-discoveryButtoooftenourprivateself-judgmentservestolessennotliftupoursenseofself

RulesforLivingwithYourself

Rule4LiveinthePresentRule5FocusontheProcessRule6PauseRule7LaughRule8CreateNewHabits

YearsagoIreadthefollowingquoteldquoNotonepersonin10000canliveinthe presentrdquo The quote intrigued me and has generated years of self-thoughtaboutboththemeaningofthatphraseandtheenormouschallengeofdoingsoRules 4 and 5 urge us to focus on themoment however impossible thatmayseemAndRules67and8offerusapathwayforwhattodowhenconfrontedbyanxietyandfrustration

ldquoYouaretodaywhereyourthoughtshavebroughtyouyouwillbetomorrowwhereyourthoughtstakeyourdquo

--JamesAllen

Life presents no shortage ofmoments inwhich to employ these five ruleseachaimedathelpinguslivewithourselves

RulesforLivingwithOthers

Rule9RespectPPIs(PersonalPreferenceItems)Rule10AvoidUSSs(UnsolicitedSuggestions)Rule11ListenRule12BeKindtoOthersRule13HelpOthers

Feelfreetoskipthissectionifyou1livealone2neverinteractwithotherpeopleand3havenoplansforengagingwithothersFortherestofyouyoursquollprobablyenjoyRules9and10whichaddressrespectandpersonalpreferences

Thisgroupofrulesalsoincludesoneofmyfavoriteslisten(11)Itrsquosquitepossible that listening is themost important human skill that is never taughtMoreaboutthislater

RulesforMakingGoodDecisions

Rule14ListenToYourHeartRule15TakeRisksRule16YoursquoreFreeToChangeYourMindAtAnyTimeRule17WelcomeMistakes

ldquoWefindithardtobelievethatotherpeoplersquosthoughtsareassillyasourownbuttheyprobablyarerdquo

--JamesRobinson

Regardless of what kind of decision yoursquore making these four rules willeasilyapplyRules14and15aredesignedtohelpyouwhileyoursquoremakingyourdecisionRules16and17willguideyouafteryoursquovemadeyourdecisionMyfavorite from this set is Rule 16 (Yoursquore Free to ChangeYourMindAtAnyTime)Itrsquosoneofthemostpopularrulesinourhouse

RulesforAchievingYourGoals

Rule18ZerotoOneRule19BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20SetGoalsNotExpectations

Ifyoursquorethekindofpersonwhosetspersonalgoalsyoursquollenjoythesethreeplusadetailedintroductorysectionwhichdescribesthesixmajortenetsofgoal-settingdrawnfrom theworldrsquos leadingexpertsRules18and20aredesignedforusebeforeyousetyourgoalsinstoneAndthentherersquosmypersonalfavoriteRule19 (BeFirmYetFlexible)which I seem tousedailyboth toguidemydecisionsandactionsandre-establishbalanceinmylifeWhateveryoudodonrsquotmissRule19

TheFinalRule

Rule21QuestionAllRules

Some years ago we taught our daughters an important life rule -- ldquoSeekForgivenessNotPermissionrdquo -- on the condition that theywould never use itagainst us I still love that rule and use it frequently (as do our daughters)becauseitunderscorestheessenceofRule21QuestionAllRules

Lifeisfilledwithaplethoraofrules--fromgrammarrulesandunionrulestodrivingrulesandtaxrulesjusttonameafewIrsquomnotabigfanofrules(makingitallthemorecuriouswhyIwroteabookentirelyaboutrules)whichiswhyIenjoyRule21

Toooftenweareaskedtofollowrulesofquestionablelogic(ldquoIrsquomsorrysirbutthatrsquosjustourpolicyrdquo)andsoonoursenseoffairnessispiquedIsupposethatonecouldsimplycomplyandacquiesce to the torridstreamof rules thatrunour lives Iprefernot Iassume theposition thatchallengingrules ismorethananoptionitrsquosanobligationaresponsibilitySoasyoureadthroughthese21offeringspleasequestionthematwill

ldquoAlltrulywisethoughtshavebeenthoughtalreadythousandsoftimesbuttomakethemtrulyourswemustthinkthemoveragainhonestlytilltheytakerootinourpersonalexperiencerdquo

--JohannWolfgangVonGoethe

Goodnessknowsourdaughtersdo

RulesThatSoothe

MyhopeisthatwithinthesepagesyouwillfindaruleortwothatbothsuitsandsoothesThetruthiswecanre-writeourpersonalscriptswecanthinknewthoughtswecanchoosewhatwethink

So if yoursquove ever been angry frustrated upset overwhelmed conflictedworried agitated furious frantic uneasy perturbed anxious nervous tenseapprehensiveboredannoyedbeleagueredorstressedlikemethenthisbookisforyou

Enjoy

SloppyThinkingldquoSloppythinkinggetsworseovertimerdquo

--JennyHolzer

1 I remember taking inspiration from a small mistake made by Helen Hunt at the Academy AwardspresentationsomeyearsagoShebeganbyfirstmispronouncingthenmissingentirelyawordortwoFiveseconds intoherpresentationshepolitelypausedandsaidldquoLetrsquosstartagainrdquoAndsoshedidNoonecriticizednooneblinkedSmoothlyandwithoutfanfareshesimplydecidedtoldquostartoverrdquoteachingusallhowsimpleitcanbetobeginagain

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1

BeKindToYourself

ldquoAccepteverythingaboutyourself--ImeaneverythingYouareyouandthatisthebeginningandtheend--no

apologiesnoregretsrdquo--ClarkMoustakas

Tobeginashortquiz

Name the threepeoplewithwhomyouhavespent themost time in the lasttwo years Feel free to place the book aside as you contemplate the answerWersquollwaitHmmmhmmmhmmm

ldquoItisofpracticalvaluetolearntolikeyourselfSinceyoumustspendsomuchtimewithyourselfyoumightaswellgetsomesatisfactionoutoftherelationshiprdquo

--NormanVincentPeale

NorushTakeyourtime

OurquizofcourseisabitoftomfoolerybutitsanswerisanythingbutThepersonwithwhomyouspendthemosttimemoment-inmoment-out(noneedtojotthisonedown)isyouThepointistranslucentwhenitcomestokindnessweoftenneglectthepersonwithwhomwespendallofourtime

Whyisthat

TheworldrsquosuniversalmessageistotreatotherskindlytoavoidcriticismandblametoimpartloveandunderstandingWersquoreencouragedtoextendourselvesonalloccasionstobestowcompassionandgenerosityonourfellowtravelersinhopes that theywill treat us in kind Sowhy pray tell dowe abandon thesepreceptswhendealingwithourselves

Youmayhaveheardthepopularmaxim

ldquoThepeoplewelovethemostaretheoneswecriticizethemostharshlyrdquo

TheadagereflectsourparadoxicalfamilylifebutitalsoappliestoourmostintimaterelationshiponewhichweoftenfailtocultivateandnurtureWhenwasthe last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled You smile atothers donrsquot youWhy not smile at yourselfWhy do we treat others morekindlythanourselves

ldquoKnowthatyouareyourgreatestenemybutalsoyourgreatestfriendrdquo

--JeremyTaylor

Rule1turnsacenturies-oldproverbintoamodern-dayadage

Dountoyourselfasyouwishforotherstodountoyou

Welongforothers to treatusgently toforgiveourmissteps tounderstandourfailingsandtoshoweruswithloveIfweaskthisofotherswhynotaskitofourselves

ldquoYouyourselfasmuchasanybodyintheentireuniversedeserveyourloveandaffectionrdquo

--Buddha

Lest we relegate self-criticism to the back shelf letrsquos acknowledge thatanimadversionhasitsplaceforaproperdoseofintrospectionandself-critiqueoftenleadsustoactresponsiblyButtakentoextremesself-criticismbecomesanaggingnegativeforcewhichoftenchipsaway(sometimeseatsaway)atourself-confidenceandgoodnature

Rule1carriesagentlemessage--whendealingwithyoubekind tendercompassionate patient thoughtful caring and loving Rule 1 says to treat

yourself as you would a close friend -- by listening with compassion byacceptingmistakesbybeingacalmvoiceinatroubledseaandbyusingwordsthatsoothe(notcriticize)whenyoursquoreupset

So be kind to yourself And remember that the person to whom yoursquoredirectingthiskindnesswillappreciateitGuaranteed

Challenge1ATreatYourself

WhywaitforyourbirthdayItseemsfashionableoflatetomakegiftlists for every occasion not just birthdays Why not create one of yourown

Gillian Butler amp Tony Hope authors of ldquoManaging Your MindrdquomaintainthatldquogivingyourselftreatsisaskillthatneedstobedevelopedrdquoThefirststepldquoTogiveyourselfpermissiontohavetreatsrdquoButlerampHopeexplain ldquoTreats bring pleasure and pleasure is worth having purelybecauseitmakesyoufeelgoodButtreatingyourselfwillalsoenableyouto accomplishmore and enable you to change inways that are right foryourdquo

Theyaddldquo Thewonderful thingabout treats is that theycangivepleasurewellbeyondwhatwouldseempossibleThesecretistochoosetheright treats for you Once we are grown-up life can become so full ofchores both at home and atwork that it is easy to get bogged down inroutineandforgetpleasureItiswhenlifersquosproblemsaregettingontopofyouthatitbecomesparticularlyimportanttorewardyourselfrdquo

YourTwo-StepChallenge

Step1MakealistofthingsthatyouenjoyandStep2Refertothelistasoftenaspossible(forexamplesseeAppendixA)Andherearetwohintstoguideyou

a)Thelongerthelistthebetterandb) Remember to include treats both large (taking a vacation) and

small(egspendingafewextraminutesoverbreakfast)

SeeAppendixAforwaystotreatyourself(p189)

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsDoyoutreatyourselfkindly

ldquoDonrsquotyouthink[treatingourselveskindly]evolveswithage(likeallothergoodthings)Itrulybelievethatwe gain somuchwisdom through experience and it becomes easier each day to practicewhatwepreachtakeonedayatatimeviewlifeasshortetcetcAllthoseclichesthatIheardasachildsuddenlytakeonnewmeaningMyguessisthatnooneofusisaskindtoourselvesaswearetoothersalthoughIrsquollbet(andhope)manyofusarealotkinderthanweusedtoberdquo--MarleyC

ldquoIhaveknown[howimportantitistotreatmyselfnicely]andhavepreachedthattoothersforyearsWhy is it that I have so much trouble doing it myself The old saw is true lsquoPhysician heal thyselfrsquo[Treatingoneselfwellis]somethingtoworkforinsteadofgoingcomplacentlythroughliferdquo--NatE

ldquoItrsquosatoughquestionLatelytherehasbeenalotofactivityinourlivesandwejustarenrsquotgettingyounger I believe we are just as critical of ourselves as always However speaking for myself I findmyselfrealizingthatIhavedonemybestandlettingmyselfgetoffalittleeasierthaninmyyoungerdaysIntheolddaysIwouldworkuntilthejobwasfinishedinaccordancewithmyownhighpersonalstandardsTodayIwillpushmyselfhoweverwhenIstartfeelingthewearandtearIevaluatewhereIamandtakethetimetogetthebatteriesrechargedSomeoldmilitaryexpressionsthatdescribethisfeelingare

lsquoFoughtandlivedtofightanotherdayDiscretionisthebetterpartofvalorrsquo

ldquoSoinsummaryItreatmyselfwithalittlemorekindnesssoIcanreturnandgetbackinthefraythenextdayTorevertbacktotheolddayswouldbedetrimentaltoonersquoshealthTakingatimeoutisnrsquotbaditrsquossortoftreatingyourselftokindnessPerhapsitrsquosasignofoldagebutIhavelearnedtoappreciatethesimpler thingsof life such as a dinner at homewith all of the familymembers in attendance attending

churchservicesasafamilydininginordiningoutwithsomegoodfriendsspendingadaywithsomeoldfriendstodiscusslifeingeneralrdquo--DaveR

LovingYourselfldquoIf you arenrsquot goodat loving yourself youwill have a difficult timeloving anyone since yoursquoll resent the time and energy you giveanotherpersonthatyouarenrsquotevengivingtoyourselfrdquo

--BarbaraDeAngelis

Rule2

HaveFunAnytimeAnywhere

ldquoNowandthenitrsquosgoodtopauseinourpursuitofhappinessandjustbehappyrdquo

--GuillaumeApollinaire

Whodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

The question brings to mind a memorable line from The Four Seasons amovie in which old friends bid to re-connect Following a tense moment ofrelational frictionCarolBurnett turns toher friendsandasksldquoArewehavingfunyetrdquo

ldquoFunisagoodthingbutonlywhenitspoilsnothingbetterrdquo

--GeorgeSantayana

ThequestionthoughplayfulcarriesananswerofconsiderableconsequenceforhowisitthatweachievefunWhodecideswhenwersquorehavingitAndmoreimportantlyhowdoesoneacquireit

Firstandforemost itrsquos important toembracethenotionthathavingfunisaskillone thatwecanbothcultivateandnourishSomeofcoursebelieve thatthe skill is innate but I beg to differ Having fun is no different thanhandwritingwebdesignhopscotchorgolf theyrsquoreallworthdeveloping (yesevenhopscotch)Buthow

Challenge1WhereDoesFunLive

Our first challenge is to findoutwhere fun livesBasedon lifersquosunwrittenrules fun is reserved for special places (eg beaches theaters golf coursesamusement parks and restaurants) and special occasions (eg weddingsbirthdaypartiesandvacations)

WhatdoesyourfunprofilelooklikeWheredoyouexperiencethemostfunChances are that your fun profile will reveal consistent patterns of peopleplaces and activities The trick of course is to find ways to expand youruniversetonewvenues--egwaitingintrafficcleaningoutthegaragepayingthebillsordoinghomework

ldquoPeoplearegoingtobemostcreativeandproductivewhentheyrsquoredoingsomethingtheyrsquorereallyinterestedinSohavingfunisnrsquotanoutrageousideaatallItrsquosaverysensibleonerdquo

--JohnSculley

Imagine just for a moment if you were capable of having fun anywhereanytimenomatterthetask

Yoursquore laughingnowIcanhearyouYoursquore thinkinghowabsurd to thinkthatfixingaflatwaitinginlineortalkingtoatelemarketeratdinnertimecanbeenjoyable Perhaps But if you take amoment to examine the concept yoursquollsoonseethepossibilities

Challenge2WhoDecidesWhenYoursquoreHavingFun

LogicwoulddictatethatyouandyoualoneareincontrolthatyoumakethecallDonrsquot bedeceivedThe externalworld -- the institutions that speak tousand thepeoplewhocontrol them --plays amajor role in shapingourviewofldquofunrdquoCaseinpointHollywoodAndafterawhileitrsquossafetoassumethatourinternalthoughtsbegintoconformtothesenotions

HowthendowefightthewaveHerersquosoneapproach

Step1ObserveYourFZs

Beginbyexploringyourfunzones(FZs)thatistheactivitiesandplacesthatyou associate with fun The key is to observe your thought patterns becausethoughtsnotplacesarewhatcreatetheldquofunrdquoexperience

Step2Understand

Itrsquos important to remember that changing onersquos thought habits can be bothdifficultandfrustratingsopatienceisinorderThekeytoanypersonalchangeis observation awareness and perspective But it takes time So be kind toyourself(Rule1)andpatientwithyourprogressDonrsquotdemandtoomuch

ldquoEventheworstofjobshastheirpleasuresifIwereagravediggerorahangmentherearesomepeopleIcouldworkforwithagreatdealofenjoymentrdquo

--DouglasWilliamJerrold

Step3TheGrandThoughtExperiment

Nowthefunpart--theGrandThoughtExperimentThenexttimeyoursquoreinaUFZ (Unauthorized Fun Zone) be it a fixed thought track or an undesirableplacetrytomoveyourthoughtseversogentlyinapositivedirection

UFZs surround us Each day we encounter traffic jams hostile bossescheckout lines family conflicts household chores and disgruntled workassociatesAndalltoooftenwhenweenteraUFZwetriggerthesameseriesofnegativethoughtsnegativeimpressionsInsodoingwemissanopportunitytore-program

Herersquosoneofmyfavoriteexamples

Itrsquos moving day and yoursquore thoroughly exhausted from weeks ofpreparation and transition The moving crew is pulling out after fourgrueling hours of unloading Boxes are everywhere Stress level andpersonalfatiguehavereachedepicproportions

Thephoneringsandyoursister-in-lawasksyouhowyoursquoreholdingupMoments lateryouutter thoseunmistakablewords --ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquo

Themessage thoughsubtle isclearwhen theboxesareawaywhenthekitchendrawersarelinedwhenthedrapesareupwhenthegarageisorganizedwhentheworkbenchisreadyforuseTHENIrsquollbehappyAndnotamomentsooner

ThetelltalephraseofcourseisldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

WaitinginanIllusion

Hardaswetrytoenjoythemomentwersquoreforeverwaitingtoenjoyourselveswaiting tohave funwaiting tocomplete theperceiveddrudgery toexperiencethatldquohappymomentrdquosomewheredowntheline

ldquoPeoplerarelysucceedunlesstheyhavefuninwhattheyaredoingrdquo

--DaleCarnegie

DonrsquotwaitWaitingisanillusion

Imagine that yoursquore on your way home after a long day Suddenly itrsquosbumper to bumper traffic and that happymoment that yoursquove dreamt about isslipping away The point is transparent -- yoursquore free to enjoy themoment athandTherersquosnoneedtowait

OrsayyoursquorehomeanxioustocurluponthecouchwithagoodbookwhenyourememberthechoresthatawaitSoyouthinkldquoAhhhoncethosechoresarefinishedthenIrsquollbehappyrdquo

DonrsquotwaitDonrsquotwaittobehappy

WespendanenormouspartofourmentalliveswaitingtobehappywaitingforthathappymomentWhatrsquossostrangeisthatmanyofthesehappymomentsnevermaterializeandwhentheydotheyoftendisappointSodonrsquotwait

InsteadstartturningUFZsintoFZsAndremember

diamsItrsquospossibletobeginenjoyingyournewhomefromthemomentyoustepinside

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymowingthelawnfixingtheshelfandrepairingtheleakinthefaucet

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy making a late-night run to the market even ifyoursquoretiredandcrankyandarereadyforbed

ldquoTheultimategoalofamoreeffectiveandefficientlifeistoprovideyouwithenoughtimetoenjoysomeofitrdquo

--MichaelLeboeuf

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoypreparingforamajorpresentationorgoingtoyourannualphysical

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymulchingtheyardhoweverintentyoumightbeonplantingthenewflowersand

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy thewriting process evenwhen yoursquore endlesslystuckinmentaltraffic

So the next time you find yourself annoyed frustrated disappointed ordisillusionedthinkfun

YoucanmakeithappenAnytimeAnyplace

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIshavingfunaskillIfsoisitnaturallyacquired

ldquoIthinkitisaskillandIstronglysuspectthatitisnaturallyacquiredbysomeanddevelopedbyothersThinkingaboutitinthesetermsforthefirsttimeitseemsandIsuredohopethatbypayingattentiontoonersquospatternsonesurely[can]learnhowtoimproveontheirabilitytohavefunWhywouldnrsquotitbelikeotherbehaviormodificationrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoItrsquosnotaskillbutmoreanintrinsicnaturallygivenabilitythatsomeareblessed[with]SayingthatIdo believewe are able to determine our destiny as to livingbeing in the lsquotimersquo of lsquofunrsquo ormaking thatchoicerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIbelievethatonecanlearntohavefunmorefunifonecangetintouchwithinternalbarrierstosuchenjoymentSometimesittakesexternalhelptoidentifydealwiththebarriersrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIbelieveweallhavethecapacityforfunbutvaryinouropportunityandability(skill)tohavefunIthinktherearemanywaystohavefunandthisvariesfrompersontopersonThereisthefunthatyouhavebecauseyouenjoyanactivityandaresocaughtupinityoudonrsquotrealizehowmuchfunyouarehavingThishasmoretodowithcapacityandopportunityTheotherkindoffunisbeingabletoenjoywhatyouhavetodoandthisIthinkcanbemoreofanattitudeorskillwhichcanbedevelopedovertimeThisiswhereIthinkyour21rulesstarttocomeinsuchasbeingmindfulandbeingabletostepbacktoseetheabsurdrdquo--KarinU

ldquoHaving fun is a naturally acquired state one enters into Fun is individual People have fun in verydifferentwaysEventheseriouspersonmayhavefunbeingseriousFunisdynamicchangingthroughlifeThingsoneusedtohavefundoingmaynotbefunanymoreandotherthingsarenowfunOnceonehasidentifiedwhatisfuntothemonecanimprovetheirabilitytoincreasethelevelorintensityofthefuntheyhave(thatpartmaybeaskill)atanactivityrdquo--VickiH

ldquoHmmmSomefolksdoseemtohavemorefacilityforitoraremoreopentotheexperiencelsquoFunrsquoisintheeyeofthebeholderInnatelycuriouspeopleandthosewholaughoftenseemtofindfuninmanythingsThesearealsooftenthepeoplewhoareseldomboredastheirmindscanbeengagedbyvirtuallyanythingDoesthismeantheyhavealsquoricherrsquobrainscapeItwouldseemthatyoucouldshapefunskillsbyexposingthoselessadepttonon-threateningfunenvironmentsandhelpingthemgivethemselvespermissiontohavemorefunrdquo--JoelR

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIfhavingfunisaskillwhatrsquosyourskilllevelAnd

whatwasit10yearsago

ldquoSkill assessment presently is 90 Ten years ago fun at least for me was more dependent onsituations company demands of time money availability and other external influences I was moreconcernedwithhow tohave fun thanwhat reallywas funAgehasgivenmemaybea little insightandwisdomandhasmademeappreciatethatfunisarelativelysimpleconceptItdoesnotrequireplanningmoneysuccessdemandssituationsorequipmentItrequiresonlythedesiretoexperienceitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoPart I 70 (having fun is a highpriority tome this could explainwhy I have chosen to lsquoplayrsquo for aliving)

ldquoPart II 80 -90Definitely itwashigher10years agoWhyMore responsibilities inbothworkandhome lifeAlso less energy (no I am not getting older) to do the crazy fun thing I used to do and tomaintainthelonghoursdoingfunthingsorsqueezinginasmuchfunstuffasIcouldrdquo--VickiH

ldquoIfIamunderlowstressIcanhavefundoingalmostanythingProbablythesame10yearsagoIfstressgoesupmyabilitytohavefundiminishesrdquo--CarlE

ldquoPart125skillfulathavingfunoneveryendeavorIfinditmoredifficultasIgetolder(whyisthat)YouthiswastedontheyoungOrisitthatmymemoryisselectiveandIseemtoonlyrememberthefunineverythingbackwhenIwasyounger

ldquoPartII--Iwouldsaythat10yearsagomyskilllevelwasmoreatthe35levelrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoMyskilllevelforhavingfuntodayiscertainlyhigherthanitwas10yearsagoButIthinkthisislikethewaterlevelintheriveritgoesupanddowndependingonlsquotheweatherrsquoSomedaysmyskilllevelisreallyhighOthersitrsquosmuchlower(YoursquollnoticeIavoidedtheextendedsimilebyavoidingtheuseofthetermldquodrierrdquo)

ldquoOnaverageIgavemyself lesspermissiontohavefun10yearsagoNowIsometimes lookforFunZonesbyorderingdessertfirst

ldquoIfIweretochartitIrsquodsaytheskillofhavingfunisalineofeverincreasingslopeliketheDow-JonesaveragesItisnotquantifiableasinsettingaspecificvalue(lsquoAllsixyearoldsneedtoreacha17rsquo)Itisrelative The same scene the same lsquofunrsquo experienced by two individuals will bring about two differentreadingsonlsquothefunscalersquoInchildhoodfunisafunctionofsocialsettingandfeelingsecureAtoddlerrsquossquealswill turn tohowls in thepresenceofa strangerAtpuberty the slope increasesagainwith someveryhighspikesThenuponlsquojobacquisitionrsquotheslopelevelsoutagainbutstillincreases(NoteJobacquisitionfollowsfraternitysororityyearsthelastseriousspikesformostofus)Middleagebringsmoreupsandmoredowns(Menopausecangoeitherwaydependingonyourpointofview)FinallymaturitysettlesinThisiswhenyouaresecureenoughtohavefunwheneveryoufeel likeit Finalword theonlythingthatpreventsusfromhavingfunistheweightofthebagoflsquoshouldsrsquowecarryonourshoulders--NatE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

ldquoThisisadifficultquestiontoponderFunasanindividualwouldmeantheindividualwouldbetheonlyonewhocoulddecideifhesheishavinglsquofunrsquo

ldquo Alsodoessocietydictatewhat islsquofunrsquoandnotfunSomesocietiesfindfunin thingswewouldfindalarminganddangerouswhereaswhatwedeemasfuntheymightfindstrangerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIs having fun -- enjoyingmyself I can truly enjoy what I am observing in others -- students in aclassroompeoplehelpingeachotheragreatsoccerbasketballorbaseballmomentetcIamhavingfunatthesemomentsandallIrsquomdoingisobservingothers

ldquoSoooooowhenever Imight say lsquoI enjoyed thatrsquo Iguess I amhaving funanddetermining itmyselfWhen I amwith others and everyone is laughing and being fresh to each other othersmay think I amhavingfunbecauseIamrelaxingandshowingasideofmethatIdonrsquotoftenhavetimetolsquoletoutrsquoIamprobablyNOTenjoyingthosemomentsbutothersperceivemeashavingfunGofigureIdohavefunteasingotherssowhenIamin thecompanyofmybrothermybabysistermystudentsoryou I reallyhavefunrdquo--GailC

ldquoIt depends Sometimes I decide in the midst of something that it is really fun sometimes theanticipationofanactivitybythegroup[Irsquomwith]foreshadowsaneventasfun

ldquoTherecertainlyarebeliefsbysocietyatlargeastowhatisfunForexampletakethebeachIfyoutelljustaboutanyonethatyouaregoingtothebeachtheireyeswilllightupandtheywillthinkyoursquoreluckytobegoingtothebeachtohavelsquofunrsquoYoumightnotbeveryexcitedinsomecaseslikeifyouaregoingwithpeopleyoudonrsquotwanttobewithorifyoursquoregoingtoabeachthatyoudonrsquotparticularlylike

ldquoHopefullyyoursquollhavemorecontroloveryourlifethanthisoryoursquollbeabletogoagainsoonundermorepleasantcircumstancesLotsoffactorsgointolsquofunrsquoandIagreethatfunisoftendefinedbysocietyUnlessofcourseapersonisbrutallyhonestandadmitsthatheshedoesnrsquotexpecttohavefunButinmyexperiencemostpeopleliketoportraytheirsparetimeasfilledwithfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoHowcanthedecisionofwhetherornotoneishavingfunexistwithanyonebuttheindividualindesigningyourownenvironmentevencleaningthehousecanbefunREALLYitjustdependsonhowyougoaboutlookingatyourenvironmentIfyouconstantlyperceivelifeasaseriesofchallengeswithnoopportunityforenjoymentthenfunisnotgoingtobeaningredientofeverydaylifeFuniswhatonemakesofasituationrdquo--KathyD

ldquoIdecidewhenIamnothavingfunItusuallyisnrsquotuntillaterthatIrealizethatIhadagoodtimeIfIrsquomtalkingwithintelligentpeopleIamusuallyhavingfunrdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhatpreventsusfromhavingfun

ldquoIampreventedfromhavingfunwhenIhavetoomanythingstodoIloveitwhenthekidstellmetolsquolightenuprsquoorlsquochillrsquoMyauntalwaysusedtosaylsquoDonrsquotworryaboutthedirtinthehouseItwillbetherein20yearsTake time toenjoyyour childrenrsquo Ineed to remember thatmoreoften in regards to lotsofthingsrdquo--GailC

ldquoIwishIknewThereinliesthecruxoftrulybeinglsquohappyrsquoinonersquoslifeItrsquosnotthatIrsquomunhappydoingmundanechoresInfactIsortofgetabitofpleasurewiththembecausetheykeepmymindoffofotherthingsItrsquosgettingtothemthatsometimesisthelsquotestrsquoBecasuewedonotlikenecessarilythelsquothoughtofrsquodoing thesechorestaskswe tend toput themoffbutoncewersquore into themandaccomplish them I findmyselffeelinglsquogoodrsquoaboutacheivingthetaskorgettingitoverwithAndtherearesomanyoftheselittlesillytasksjobsthingsthatweputoffcleaningthegasgrillpaintingthetrimcuttingthegrassetcrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoThebaggagewecarrypreventsusfromorallowsustohavefunExhaustionhungerpovertyweatherconditionsetccanpreventusfromhavingfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAprivatewascleaningtheflooraroundaconferencetableasthreeofficersdiscussedsexTheCaptainsaidlsquoIthinksexis90pleasureand10workrsquoTheMajorsaidlsquoIthinksexis50pleasureand50workrsquoAndtheGeneralsuggestedthatlsquoSexis90workand10pleasurersquoUnabletoagreetheyturnedtotheprivateandaskedhisviewRepliedtheprivatelsquoIftherewereanyworkinitatallyoursquodhavemedoingitforyoursquoWhateveritisyouwouldnotwanttheprivatetodoforyouhastobeaplusonthefunsiderdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWheredoesfunlive

ldquoFun liveseverywhere exceptKosovoWhereverpeoplecan reflect and laughat themselvesor lifersquosabsurditiesyouhavefunIfithurtsitainrsquotfunPatchAdamshadtheknackforconversionrdquo--CarlE

ldquoFunliveseverywhereanywhereFuniswhatonemakesittobeItisenjoymentoflifeandonersquosparticipationinlifeFuncannotbeobserveditmustbeexperiencedItistheabilitytoappreciatethefactthatwearealiveandwecanmakechoicesFuniswhatitismadetoberdquo--KathyD

ldquoThatreallydependsonwhoyoutalktoandwhenFunformecanbeinmyhouseinfrontofthefirewithabookandsometimeILOVETHATIknowpeoplewhocanrsquotstandtobealonewithoutoneplan

afteranotherFunlivesintheeyesofthebeholderrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAquickthoughtonfun I try tohavefunwithwhateverIdobutI insistonhavingfunwithanyleisuretimeactivitiesortofurtherdefineitnon-workorresponsibilityrelatedIfIamvolunteeringdoingcross-stitch or reading a book I want it to be fun But I donrsquot necessarily define fun as the laughingsquealingkindof activity [instead] I define it as something thatgivesmepleasureAnd Irsquoll try to findpleasure in themundaneeitherby losingmyself inmy thoughts (whichareprobably70present30past)orappreciatingthesimpleactofaccomplishment

ldquoMy friends and family always grumble because I insist on frequently using my good bone chinadinnerwareandsterlingTheyobjectbecauseitmustbewashedanddriedbyhandIhavealwayssaidthatIgetasmuchpleasurefromthesimpleactofwashinganddryingitasIdofromusingitItrsquosbeautifulIloveitand Iwould ratherwashanddry it than let it situnusedandunappreciated inaclosedchinacabinetMaybethisisnrsquoteveryonersquosideaoffunbutitfloatsmyboatrdquo--VickiS

ldquoJollityItrsquosaframeofmindSomepeoplehavefundoingthemostridiculousthingsAndnooneelseseemstohavethesameamountoffununlesstheyaredoinglsquoitrsquowiththefirstpersonrdquo--NatE

Rule3

WorkHard

ldquoWhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoftenthingsIdidwerefailuresIdidnrsquotwanttobeafailureso

Ididtentimesmoreworkrdquo--GeorgeBernardShaw

Chances are if I had composed a list of rules a decade ago ldquowork hardrdquomightnothavecrackedthetop20nolessthetop5Butwitheachpassingdaywitheachnewlifeexperienceitrsquosclearthatworkinghardisthekey--tonearlyeverything Whether yoursquore building a relationship or building a reputationworkinghardistheoneingredientyoucanrsquotaffordtoleaveout

ldquoLazinessmayappearattractivebutworkgivessatisfactionrdquo

--AnneFrank

Not that we stop searching for alternatives Letrsquos be honest wersquore foreverlookingforshortcutswaystoreachourgoalsinlesstimewithlesseffortButastimeandexperienceteachustheretrulyisnosuchthingasafreelunch

Nottosaythatcertainshortcutsdonrsquotdeliver--ATMsfreeusfromlongbanklines and computers free us from retypingourmanuscripts on typewriters and we certainly enjoy remote controls ice makers fast tolls electric canopenersande-mail--eachdesignedtosaveuspreciousmoments

ButtoaccomplishgoalsofsubstancetodeveloprelationshipsthatlasttherearenoshortcutsStillwepursuethemaffirmingthatwedoindeedbelieveinmagic

ldquoNoonecanarrivefrombeingtalentedaloneGodgivestalentworktransformstalentintogeniusrdquo

--AnnaPavlova

If youwatch television long enough or read the dayrsquos news orwatch thefrenzied pace in the corporate world itrsquos hard not to believe that lifersquospenultimate goals are productivity and efficiency The worldrsquos marketingengines drill the message home every day -- if you buy this new softwarepackage thisnewcuttingappliance thisnew31drillkit thenyoursquollnotonlysavetimebutyoursquollbemoreproductiveThemessagegetsstuckinourpsycheandafterhearingthemessageforsay thezillionth timeweactuallybegin tobelieveit

ldquoSuccessfulpeoplearenotgiftedtheyjustworkhardthensucceedonpurposerdquo

--GKNielson

TurntheTideTaketheLongCut

WespendexorbitantamountsoftimepursuingshortcutstomanageourtasksFightbackFacedwithachoicetrythelongcut--whenyoursquoreslicingonionstry using the knife in place of the electric slicer However appealing yourshortcutsmaybeafewmillisecondshereandtherewonrsquotearnyoumuchThetruthisshortcutsareoneoflifersquosmostvisibleillusions

For years I dreamed of having a beautiful garden where flowers bloomedeach month as the seasons passed I chose the shortcut -- I bought a fewperennialsinstalledanundergroundwateringsystemandwaitedfortheflowerstoappearSillymethinkingthatagardenwouldgrowbyitselfNoweachdaythatIworkinthegardenIrecallthesesimplewords

Ifyouwanttohaveagardenyouhavetohaveagardener

Inotherwords ifyouwant tocreateproductsofsubstanceyouhave todotheworkNoshortcutsnoend-aroundsnomagic

AttentionAllMountainClimbers

When it comes to working hard I often recall a phrase composed by ourdaughterNataliesomeyearsagoShewroteldquoYouhavetoclimbthemountains

beforeyoucanwalktheplainsrdquoSostraponyourbootsandremember

diams When you and your spouse are clashing over money work hard tounderstandyourspousersquospointofview

diamsWhen you and your child are struggling over homework and curfewsworkhardtounderstandhowtheyfeelandwhytheystruggle

ldquoIfthepowertodohardworkisnotaskillitrsquosthebestpossiblesubstituteforitrdquo

--JamesAGarfield

diamsWhenyoursquorepreparingapresentationorcleaningoutmemorabiliathathas been sealed for years work hard to overcome the mental hurdlesRemindyourselfthattheharderyouworkthemoreyouwillgrow

diamsWhenyourbossisbeingunreasonablethebasementneedsanewpaintjobthenewbusinessisnrsquottakingoffthewaythatyouhadhopedorthethecarbreaksdownagain

WorkHard

DonrsquotshyawaydonrsquotwithdrawdonrsquotwithholdyourbestforfearoffailingSimplyworkhardandknowthattheskillyoursquoreimprovingisoneoflifersquosmostprecioustreasures

Rule 3 brings tomind a classic line delivered by TomCruise in the 1983movieRisky Business Commenting on his awe-inspiring vehicle Cruise saidldquoPorschetherersquosnosubstituterdquo

SoitiswithhardworkThereisnosubstitute

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

Theauthoraskedhisfriends

Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

ldquoThisisoneofmyall-timefavoritequestionsIbetthatourlifehereonearthwillbeultimatelyjudgednotbyhowsuccessfulwewerecomparedtoothersbuthowwellweusedthetools(talentsandabilities)Godgaveus

ldquoEveryoneisdifferentandthatrsquoswhatmakestheworldaninterestingplaceJuststandonabusystreetcornersitinachairatthemalleatamealinacrowdedcafeteriasitinthestandsataprofessionalorhighschoolsportingeventormyfavoriteplacetowatchpeoplewasdownontheinfieldofahorseracingtrackinNewYorkOrbetteryetwatchpeopleatthebeach

ldquoIimaginethesecondquestionwhenweapproachthepearlygateswillbelsquoHowwelldidwesharethetalents and giftswe hadwith others less fortunatersquoDidwe show genuine concern for othersAnotherquestionwouldbelsquoHowwelldidwetrain(mentor)youngergenerationswithregardstousingtheirtalentsandbeingconcernedforothersrsquo rdquo--DaveR

ldquoMypersonal learnedexperience is that tobegin togetgoodatanything inmy lifehas requiredhardwork and dedication Itrsquos truewhether vocational avocational spiritual relationship-based or just aboutanythingelseIcanthinkof

ldquoAsanadditionalobservationthosewhoadmiretheachievementsofothersfrequentlyoverestimatethevalueofsomeoneelsersquoslsquonaturalabilityrsquoandunderestimatetheworktheyputintoexcelrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoIthinkthatitrsquosterriblyimportanttolsquoworkhardrsquoandIthinkthatmanyofthefeelingsthatpeoplehaveoftheirlifebeinglsquosuccessfulrsquocomefromthesenseofaccomplishmentthatresultsofhardwork

ldquoFormemyfeelingsaboutwhoIamasapersonarestronglytiedupwithlsquowhatIhaveaccomplishedrsquoandwhatIhaveaccomplishedisusuallydirectlytiedupwiththeworkIputintoprojects

ldquoIthinkthatanimportantquestionrelatedtothisishowtobalancelsquohardworkrsquoagainsttherestofwhatlifehastooffersothattheworkdoesnotbecomeanoverridingconsumingpassionrdquo--IleneF

ldquoInmyexperienceitiscriticaltoworkhardinlifeOnlythenwhenwehaveinvestedourselvesdowecelebrateoursuccessThings thatcomeeasilyarenotcelebratedin thesamewayweoftenwonderwhythey even happened I guess itrsquos the old external vs internal locus of controlDid I dowell on the testbecauseIstudiedorbecauseIluckedoutanditwaseasy

ldquoWetakeprideinwhatweworkhardatWereflectasweareworkingandprobablyreviserechargeand forge aheadWe all need a payoff for hard work when we get it (tangible or intangible) we feelsuccessful

ldquoI associate the phrase with all aspects of life -- not just lsquoworkrsquo in the classic sense Naturally weassociatelsquoworkinghardrsquowithlsquoworkrsquothatisourdaytimeactivitiesButcertainlywelsquoworkrsquoallthetime--totakecareofourfriendsandourfamilytomeetobligationsthatcomewithbeingaresponsiblememberofthehumanraceThusmyinterestinthetermlsquoworkinghardrsquohasasmuchtodowithwhatwedoatnightandontheweekendsasduringthedayrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoOneway tomeasurework is ergonomically (An erg is a unit ofwork done by one dyne through adistanceofonecentimeterAdyneistheamountofforcethatcausesamassofonegramtoaccelerateattherateofonecentimeterpersecondpersecond)Noneofthatisrelevantexcepttosaywecanmeasurework

ldquoIf you accept that premise perhaps youwill accept thatwork is akin to effortAnd there aremanyreasonstoexpendeffortItmaybeforremunerationorforrecreationThereasonweexpendeffortmaybetopleaseothersortopleaseourselvesOritmaybeforsomeunseenbutanticipatedfuturerewardAtanyrateIthinkthereisarewardintheresomeplaceElsewhyexpendtheeffort

ldquoHowimportantisittoworkhardItdependsononersquospointofviewItmayhavealottodowiththelens throughwhich one views theworldOr itmay have to dowith onersquosmood at themoment ThereweretimesinmylifewhenitalsohadtodowithhowmuchskillIhad

ldquoIsuspectthatlsquoworkingatsomethingrsquohastodowithrewardWewillobviouslyworkatthingsthatwillhavedirectimpactForexamplethesailoronasinkingboatwillworkhardatbailing

ldquoButforotherthingsI thinkonersquoswillingnesstoworkhardisrelatedtotheirabilitytoeithermakeaconnection to self (lsquoItrsquos important to mersquo) or to make a connection to someone or something that isimportant(lsquoItrsquosimportantto___thatImaketheeffortrsquo)Thereissomesortofpayoff

ldquoIdo think thereare thosewho lsquoworkhardrsquo seemingly forothersThere isnodirectpayoff for themTheyappear tobedoing things forothersMy theoryabovebegins todissolvehereand Idonrsquothaveanexplanation

ldquoWellIhaveprogressedfromPhysicstoPhilosophyallinabout350wordsItrsquostimephormetoendthisphoolishnessandgetsomeworkdoneBecauseitispersonallysatisfying AndIwanttogetpaidrdquo--NatE

ldquoItisparamountIamsurroundedbysuccessfulpeoplewhohavesoldtheircompaniesorretiredTheycrave work The desire to apply oneself in a productive endeavor seems to have a biological driver Itappearstobemorethanameredesiretobeneededrdquo--CarlE

ldquoYouhavehitonanerve(atleastinmycase)GrowingupasIdidinatruelsquobluecollarrsquohomeweweretaught(whatseemsinrecollection)fromthecribthatlsquoworkinghardwillgetyoueverythingyouwantinlifersquoorlsquoworkinghardistheonlywaytosucceedrsquoAndohsomanyotheridioms

ldquoFunny how the word lsquoabilityrsquo was seldom if ever used (at least in our household) in relation todiscussionaboutlsquoworkrsquoorlsquoworkinghardrsquoYetinlookingbackworkinghardwashelpfulinmanymanyinstanceswherewewereluckyenoughtosucceedinschoolourjobsourrelationshipsandinevenlifeingeneral

ldquoBut is it just as critical to have been blessedwith the lsquoabilityrsquo to (a)make correct decisions (b) torationalizeanddecipherinformation(c)tolearnorgrowfromoureducationampevenourlifersquosexperiences(d)toretainandrememberinformation(e)tobeabletocommunicatewellandatthesametimeperhapsevenmoreciriticallylsquolistenwellrsquo(f)tohavefun(yesIbelievesomearemoreblessedlsquowiththeabilitytodojustthat--lsquohavefunrsquowhereassomeofusjustseemtolosethislsquoabilityrsquosomewhereontheroadtolife)

ldquoSee I told you it hit a hot spotMay I go on Is it lsquofatersquo or lsquokarmarsquo or just plain lsquoluckrsquowhen onebecomessuccessfulorwasitaproductoflsquohardworkrsquoOrwasitasItendtobelieveararecombinationofbothonersquosfatecombinedwiththeirlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquothatdeliveredsuchsuccessArewenotalltoagreatdegreea lsquoproductofourenvironmentandeducationalprocessrsquoAnd Imean lsquoenvironmentrsquomorefromthe[perspective]oflsquofamilyrsquofirstandthentolsquopeersandschoolingrsquo

ldquoWhyisitthatmoreoftenthannotafamilywillhaveeitherparent(orparents)beingdoctorsandthentheir subsequent children and childrenrsquos children becomedoctors down the line It has tobemore thanlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquoNo

ldquoI once read an article about a couple [who] adopted two infants from a inner citymother ThiscouplewasabletomovetoaremoteareaoutwestandasIrecallraisetheirtwoinfantsonsinanareawheretheyliterallyhadtolsquohomeschoolrsquothemuntilitwastimeforUniversity[Thekidstook]theirSATsscoredextremelyhighandwereacceptedtoYaleampPrinceton

ldquoGuesswhathappenedBothboyswhiledoingextremelywellinitiallyincollegeeventuallydevelopedproblems with their social skills [and] had difficulty later in their University years Eventually theygraduated andwent on in life but not without a tremendous amount of lsquohardworkrsquo at learning certainlsquoskillsrsquoweoftentakeforgrantedgrowingup

ldquoWere these two brilliant minds No doubt However their lsquoabilityrsquo to communicate was foundlackingTheybothhadtolsquoworkhardrsquotolearnthislsquoabilityrsquoBothasIrecallwentontobecomewelladjustedand[achievedsomemeasure]ofsuccessHowevermypointhereisthatlsquoabilityrsquoisnotalwaysasubstitueforlsquohardworkrsquoorlsquolifeingeneralrsquobutis[acriticalfactor]ingainingsuccessinourendeavorsrdquo-MickeyF

RulesforLivingWithYourself

Rule4

LiveinthePresent

ldquoLearnfromthepastsetvividdetailedgoalsforthefutureandliveintheonlymomentoftimeoverwhich

youhaveanycontrolnowrdquo--DenisWaitley

Daytodaywheredoyouspendmostofyourtime

InthepastThepresentOrthefuture

On any given day in any givenmoment our private thoughts flow swiftlyfromthepasttothepresenttothefuture--aharshwordfromyesterday(past)ismentallybrushedasideaswelistentoacolleague(present)thenwonderaboutwhetheritmightrainatthepicniconSunday(future)

ldquoYoumustliveinthepresentlaunchyourselfoneverywavefindyoureternityineachmomentrdquo

--HenryDavidThoreau

Mentalfitnessexpertslaudtheldquopresentrdquoandurgeustofocusourenergiesonthemoment -- on the personwithwhomwersquore conversing on the taskwersquorestrivingtoaccomplishontheskillwersquoreattemptingtoimproveonthedecisionthatwersquoreabouttomake

Themessage is simple themore focusedwe are on the present themorefulfilling life will be Instinctively we know that this is true because of howgooditfeelstobefullyengagedinthemoment--notbroodingaboutyesterdayorworryingabouttomorrow

WhatExactlyIsThePresent

StayinginthepresentmindyouisnrsquottobeconfusedwithtalkingaboutthepresentImaginewhatadauntingtaskthatwouldbeLetrsquosbehonestahealthychunk of human conversation involves sharing information about the past(ldquoWhat have you been up tordquo ldquoHow was your vacationrdquo) or the future(ldquoWersquoregoingtoaconcertnextweekrdquoorldquoTomorrowIplantostartlookingforanewjobrdquo)

Bycontraststayinginthepresent

means focusing onersquos private thoughts on the moment on the person oractivityinfrontofyou

ldquoYesterdayisacanceledchecktomorrowisapromissorynotetodayistheonlycashyouhavesospenditwiselyrdquo

--KayLyons

means listening to your friend share their daily struggles or your spouseshareherworriesaboutthefuture

means concentrating your energy on preparing the report fixing dinnerlisteningtoyourclient

Our ability to stay in the present of course is perpetually at riskAnd themostchallengingmomentsarethosewhenwersquorealoneWhenourthoughtsstartto drift we risk missing the spendlor of the fruit on aisle 3 the shape of aclipped branch the beautifully turned phrase the magnificent contour of thegreenonthe17thhole

Oftenwhen Irsquom driving I glance at the highest branch on a tree andmydaughterMelyssa says she toohasadopted thehabitThe idea suggested inapassageIreadsometimeago(Icanrsquotrecalltheauthor)forcesustolookoutsideofourdailyframetoseeanewwhatthismomentholds

Melyssa and I often wonder how such a simple change can have such adramaticeffectTheskywardgazealwaysremindsmeofapropheticmomentinthe ldquoDead Poets Societyrdquo when Robin Williams encourages his students tostandontheirdeskstoaltertheirstaticviewoftheworld

MinimizingThoughtDrift

Living in the presentmeans attending to the task at hand to the person oractivity before you It means minimizing thought drift in order to take fullpleasureinallthatliesbeforeyouLetrsquosbehonestwhenyourminddriftstothatawkward social encounter donrsquot you lose your ability to enjoy this currentmoment

We are thoughtful creatures alternatively worrying judging imaginingjustifying evaluating planning fantasizing problem-solving lamentingcreatingandscrutinizingInthemixingbowlofthoughtsitrsquosawonderthatwecankeepourattentionfocusedonanysingletaskforanymeaningfullengthoftimeYetattentioniskeyinourquestforfulfillmentandlifesatisfaction

ldquoFinisheachdaybeforeyoubeginthenextandinterposeasolidwallofsleepbetweenthetwoThisyoucannotdowithouttemperancerdquo

--RalphWaldoEmerson

Eachofuslearnsatourownpacethatthemoretimeweinvestinthepresent-- themore timewespend lookingat facesand flowers -- the richerour livesbecome

ItseemstritetosaybutwelivelifeinthepresentCertainlywelearnfromthepastandyesitseemsprudenttoplanforthefutureButinthefinalanalysisourlifejourneyiscomposedofacontinuousstringofldquopresentsrdquoandwhenourthoughtsdriftaheadorbackweloseapreciouspiece(orpeace)oflifersquospuzzle

Itrsquosbeensaidthatonein10000canconsistentlystayinthepresent

Mayyoubetheone

Challenge4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent

Whenyourthoughtsbegintodriftinwaysthatyoudefineasunhealthytrythesethreesimplesteps

Step1ExaminetheThought(E)AskyourselfamIdriftingtothepastorthefuture

Step2StoptheThought(S)Makeaconsciousdecisiontostopthethoughtsequence

Step3ReturntothePersonorTask(P)Makeaconsciousdecisiontorefocusyourthoughtsonthepersonwith

whomyoursquoretalkingontheactivityinwhichyouarecurrentlyengaged

Caution When employing E-S-P please donrsquot expect quick resultsChances are that the thought sequence you momentarily dismissed willsoon reappear cycling back into your conscious thought pattern DonrsquotdespairSimplyobservehowoftenandwithwhatintensityitreturns(itrsquosreasonable to imagine that our thoughts have a half-life -- much likenaturersquoschemicalcompounds--andthattheirpersistenceislinkedtotheiremotionalchargethusastimegoesonthechargelessensandthethoughtsequenceonceomnipotentbeginstoweaken)

The key to E-S-P Awareness and desire -- that is becoming moreawareofyourthoughtpatternsandexhibitingadesiretoalterthem

PlaguedbythoughtdriftTryE-S-PAlternativelytakemeaningfromthisbrilliantquoteonehousedonmyfriendrsquosansweringmachine(thanksJerry)

ldquoThePastisHistoryTheFutureisaMysteryThisMomentisaGiftThatiswhywecallitthePresentrdquo

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentvsthepast

vsthefuture

ldquo85presentwithlotsofpastandfastforwardingandthelsquopresentrsquoasthepausebuttoninbetweenrdquo--JoelR

ldquo45 Present 10 Past 45 Future Tome tomorrow is really the present itrsquos what I am alwayspreparing forSomypresent is reallymy future tooAs soon asyou are awareof thepresent itrsquos nolongerthepresentitrsquosthepastandyouareinthefuturerelativetoitrdquo--GailC

ldquoPast10(notworthmuchthoughtmoveonexperiencemore)Present50(canbegreatgoodneutral and terrible either way you are stuck with it) Present is what one has at hand that cannot bechangedreadilyiethejobyouhavethesignificantotherthehousethatneedspaintingallthosethingsoneplannedfor(ordidnrsquot)whenitldquowasrdquothefutureFuture40(thinkingofthefutureishowIkeepmysanityThefutureishowIdreamitupthewayIwantittobe)rdquo--VickiH

ldquoPresent30Past20Future50ThepresentiswhatyouareexperiencingatthatmomentYoursurroundingswhoyoursquorewithandwhatyoursquorethinkingrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoPresent50Past35Future15CanrsquotdefinethepresentinPTTbecauseyourPTscansometimesbesooverwhelmingthatyouthinkyouhavebeenthinkingforhoursanditrsquosjustbeenminutesandyoursquovetraveledallovertheplaceinyourmindYoursquovebeeninthepastpresentandfutureofyourmindinthattimeperiodrdquo--CaroleE

ldquo20Past40Present40Future(doesthismeanIamanoptimist)Whatoneisthinkingaboutinthepastisimportant--isitpleasantlyrelivingthepastorruminatingaboutmistakesorunpleasanteventsItendtoconnectthepresenttowhatmightbeaheadrdquo--MarleyC

HowoftendoyousayldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

ldquoAlwaysSometimestheanticipationisgreaterthantherealizationofsomethinganddoingthelsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquoaidsinimaginingwhatthatsomethingmightlooklikehowitwillgowhattheendresultmightbeItalsogivesmeagreatlifttoanordinarymundanelsquoconsistentrsquodayrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoNotoftenlsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquosuggeststhatallenjoymentsuccessfulfillmentetcloomssomewhereoverthehorizonIlikeNOW

ldquoThewholeconceptof lsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquo tomesuggests lsquotime freezersquo Ifwe livecontinually ina stateofanticipationwe fail tonotice theeventsof themomentSince there isneveraguaranteeofhappinessorsuccess or fun or anything else in the future (life is too serendipitous for that) then living in a state ofperpetual anticipation precludes having the opportunity to enjoy the present Looking backwards todeterminewhetherornotyouhavehadfunmayofferaclearviewoftheeventbuttheinternalenjoymentofthemomentisovershadowedbylsquothingsyettocomersquotheanticipationoflsquohavingfunrsquocannotcomparetheactualityofitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoWheneverIhaveanlsquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrsquomomentIimmediatelyruinitwiththenegativesthattagalong Icanrsquotwait togo toSanDiegofor8daysWill thedogbeOKin thecareof thekidsWill Ibestressedfromrelaxingetcrdquo--GailC

Wheredoyouspendyourmentaltime

ldquoHumanmomentsIspendabout10ofmytimemusing20thinking20conversing(moreduringtheschoolyear)20listening(40interactingwhichisacombinationofconversingandlistening)and30sleepingorbeingmindlessDreamsoverlapwiththeothercategories

ldquoIhadadebatewithastudentlastweekaboutwhetherornotthebraincandomorethanonethingatatimeWeagreed that thebrain can stimulatemore thanone activity at a time -- seeinghearing tastingtalkingetcallatonetime--butthebraincanonlybeawareofoneatatimerdquo--GailC

ldquoHumanMoments (not like a seniormoment right)Musing 5 conversing 40 thinking 30listening30interacting40acting(asindrama)25ofthe40conversingandthe40interactingAtleastthatmuchofthattimeisactingwhenIambitingmytonguenottotellsomeone(usuallyaclient)exactlywhatIthinkofwhattheyjustsaiddidorwhatIthinkoftheirlevelofintelligenceTherestofthetimeistherealme

ldquoI definitely prefer listening thinking observing over interactingwithmost people acting as inphysicallydoingsomething50to60 ThisanswercouldgoonforeverthemoreIthinkaboutit--soIwillspareyourdquo--VickiH

ldquoHardtoputnumberstoyourcategorieswithoutlotsofthoughtbutIrsquollgiveafirstguesstimatemusing4conversing12thinking20listening16interacting20sleeping28rdquo--AllanH

Rule5

FocusontheProcessNottheproduct

ldquoTakecareofyourminutesandthehourswilltakecareofthemselvesrdquo

--LordChesterfield

It may seem hard to believe but every moment of our lives -- yes everymoment -- is a confrontation between product and process Whether yoursquorepreparingdinnerorabusinessplanplanningaweddingoracorporatetakeoverleadinganeighborhoodfooddriveoracampaignagainst teenagedrinking itrsquosallaboutproductvsprocess

TheproductistheendthefinalstepTheprocessisthemeanstheroadthatleadsushome

TakefoodshoppingTheproductisthatgloriousmomentwhenthebagsareunpackedandthegroceriesareneatly tuckedawayBycontrast theprocess isongoing and entails creating the shopping list grabbing the reusable bagsdrivingtothesupermarketweighingthefruitcomparingcerealpriceschattingon the checkout line leafing through magazines paying the bill carting thegroceriesOKyougetthepicture

ldquoThegoodlifeisaprocessnotastateofbeingItisadirectionnotadestinationrdquo

--CarlRogers

Thepointiswhilewenaturallystrivetoachievetheproduct(bagsunpackedgoodsneatlystoredaway)wesometimesbecomesofixatedonreachingitthat

we fail to enjoy the process In so doing wemiss countless opportunities toenjoyeachstepofthejourney

ButwehaveachoiceThoughitmaynotbereadilyapparentwecanchoosetofocusontheprocesstoenjoyeachmomentnotjusttheendresultWhetherwersquore driving home a business deal or driving homeour daughter fromdanceclasswersquorefreetochoosewheretofocusourmind

WhereDoYouPlaceYourThoughts

Scenario1DinnerTimeItrsquosdinnertimeandtheproduct isthatlusciousmomentwhenyousitdown

with friends and family for a quiet relaxingdinner ready to enjoygood foodandconversationTheprocessofcoursebeganhoursearlierwhenyouchosethe menu bought the vegetables marinated the chicken boiled the watercookedtheangelhairpastapreparedthesauceseasonedthesalad

ldquoIfyoufocusonresultsyouwillneverchangeIfyoufocusonchangeyouwillgetresultsrdquo

--JackDixon

Scenario2HangingaBedroomShelfItrsquosSaturdayafternoonandyourdaughterbidsanhourofyourtimetohanga

bedroomshelf tohousetrinketsandsuchTheproduct is thatrarifiedmomentwhentheshelfisupperfectlylevelandfittostorethenick-nacksTheprocessthoughasimpleonehousesnumeroussteps--findingthetools(formeneveran easy task) measuring drilling inserting (the toggle bolts) leveling andadjusting(IknowIskippedafewstepsButheythisisnotmyforte)

Scenario3PlantingTulipsItrsquoslateOctober--primetimeforplantingtulipsintheyardTheproductis

crystallinetulipsnestledinthegroundwithalightdustingofmulchtoprotectthemoverthewinterTheprocessofcourseismulti-layered--choosingwhichbulbstoplantdeterminingthesizeofthearealayingouttheshapeofthebeddiggingitimprovingthesoilplantingthebulbsandcoveringthem

Attimeslikethese--preparingdinnerhangingashelfandplantingtulips--ourmind tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinkingabout theproduct that isabout finishingThenotion is that ifwemoveswiftly throughthesechoreswecanmoveontomoreenjoyabletasks

Rule 5 encourages us to enjoy seasoning the salad asmuch as eating it toenjoylevelingtheshelvesasmuchashangingthemtoenjoyselectingthebulbsasmuchasplantingthem

ldquoIfyousurrendercompletelytothemomentsastheypassyoulivemorerichlythosemomentsrdquo

--AnneMLindbergh

InshortRule5urgesustoslowdownandenjoythatwhichstandsbeforeusThink about it how many moments of your thought life have you beenpreoccupied with the outcome To fairly answer that question try askingyourselfthisone

ldquoWhen Irsquom engaged in an activity how much of the time am Ithinkingabout theproduct(ie finishingthe task)andhowmuchofthetimeamIsimplyenjoyingtheprocessrdquo

ldquoEnjoythejourneyenjoyeverymomentandquitworryingaboutwinningandlosingrdquo

--MattBiondi

ICanrsquotWait

Letrsquos face it we spend a fair piece of time doing things that we donrsquotaltogether enjoy Wersquore forever telling ourselves ldquoI canrsquot wait until itrsquosFriday itrsquos vacation time thepresentation is finished thebills arepaidthelaundryisfoldedthehouseiscleantheclassisoverthebedsaremadetheweedsaregonerdquoButthemoreobsessedwebecomewiththeproductthelesschancewehavetoenjoytheprocess

ThatrsquosnottosayweshouldforsakepursuingproductsIrsquomstronglyinfavorof settinggoals (seeRules18-20) andworkinghard to achieve them I love awell-craftedplantoscalemountainsLetrsquosfaceititfeelsgoodtocleanoffyourdesktoorganizethekitchentosendofftheproposal toarriveatthehotel toputdinneronthetable tomail inyour taxes to(finally)placethepictures inthephotoalbum

Challenge5A

InSearchoftheHappyMoment

ThinkbacktoyourlasttriphomefromtheofficeWhatwereyouthinkingabout

ChancesarethatyouspentaportionofyourtimethinkingabouttheproductthatisaboutthatldquoHappyMomentrdquo--themomentyouwalkthroughthedoorhangupyourcoatandopenthefridgeforaglassoficetea(orperhapssomethingstronger)AhhhhhhatlonglasttheldquoHappyMomentrdquohadarrived

DonrsquotbefooledldquoHappyMomentsrdquoareillusorybecausemoreoftenthannottheyturnouttobejust that--briefmoments in timethat tooquicklyareoverwhelmedbyaswirloffreshdemandsOnce in thekitchena stackofmail remindsyou that thebillsareoverdueanemptymilkcartonsignalsthattheshelvesarebareandsuddenlytheldquoHappyMomentrdquodissolvesintoaseriesofnewdemandsintoaseriesofnewproductsandprocesses

HerethenisthedilemmabywaitingfortheldquoHappyMomentrdquowewindupwaitingtobehappywe end up telling ourselveswhen that moment arrives THEN Irsquoll be happy and not a momentsooner

SopleasedonrsquotwaittobehappyBehappynowandknowthathappinesssurroundsus ifonlyweopenoureyes

But therersquosahugedifferencebetweenpursuingaproduct and focusingourmindrsquosthoughtsonthatproduct

ldquoOftenthesearchprovesmoreprofitablethanthegoalrdquo

--ELKonigsburg

Dailywearelulledintobelievingthat

Products=Happinessandthat

Process=Drudgery

Nonsense

DoyouknowanyonewhoenjoyscookingIlovetowatchbothmysister-in-law Carole and my brother-in-law Bruce take equal pleasure in the product(bringingdinner to the table)and theprocess -- selecting the recipegatheringthe ingredientscreating thesauce seasoning thepastaand themeatsand the

vegetablesLikemany talented chefsCarole andBrucehave learned to enjoytheprocessasmuchas(ifnotmorethan)theproduct

Thisthenisourchallenge--toenjoythemeansasmuchastheendtoacceptthenotionthattheprocessisnotjustaroadsignitrsquostheroad

WeallknowthatproductsbringuspleasureandrewardusininfinitewaysbutbecauseourthoughtsdeterminewhatkindoflifeweleadwemustfindwaystomorethoroughlyenjoytheprocessImagineifarunnerexperiencedthesamejoyintakingastrideasincrossingthefinishline

ldquoPassiondoesnrsquotlookbeyondthemomentofitsexistencerdquo

--ChristianNBovee

Doesthissoundimpossible

My daughter Melyssa would say no arguing that despite a societalpreoccupation with ldquoproductsrdquo (of both kinds) itrsquos theoretically possible toenjoy every processOf course striving to achieve ldquoproductsrdquo isnrsquot inherentlyevilitrsquosonlyaproblemwhenitblindsustotheprocesswhenitleadsustopicktherosesfromthegardenwithoutevensmellingthem

EnjoytheRide

Religiousmaximsremindus that life itself isaprocess--ldquolife isa journeynotadestinationrdquoAnddailywersquoreremindedtoldquoenjoytheriderdquoNonethelessweoftenforgetthatthebusridetotheamusementpark(process)canbejustasenjoyableastheamusementparkitself(product)ifonlyweletit(childrenonafieldtriparequicktopointoutthatthebusrideisoftenthemostenjoyablepart)

One of my lightbulb moments occurred some years ago on my way toBaltimoretowatchtheOriolesplaybaseballIwastravelingwiththreeofmyfriends when the conversation turned to traffic That particular day it wasbumper-to-bumperandourcollectivefrustrationwasapparent(ldquo weshouldhaveleftearlierrdquoandldquolookatthatidiotcrossinglanesrdquo)MentallyIstartedtorecord the conversation and realized thatmore than 30of itwas devoted totrafficOuch

ldquoLordhowthedaypassesItislikealifesoquicklywhenwedonrsquotwatchitandsoslowlyifwedordquo

--JohnSteinbeck

So I tried a little thought experiment and placed the four of us at a cornerboothatthelocalrestaurantIimaginedwewerenoshingonchipsandsippingmargheritaslaughingandtellingjokessimplyenjoyingoneanotherrsquoscompanyChances are slim as we sat there eating potato skins that the conversationwould turn to traffic (after all we were sitting in a restaurant) Yet here wewere four friends togetheron theway toaballgameconsumedby talkaboutlanechangesandarrogantdrivers

Theproblemofcoursewasnrsquot thetrafficatall-- theproblemwashowwethoughtaboutitNowIrsquollbethefirsttoadmitthatahighwayrsquosvisualcuesarecompellingthatitrsquoshardnottogetriledupwhenyouseemanicdriverstryingtomake their way where no car should ever go but these visual cues need notdestroytheprocess(enjoyingtimewithgoodfriends)evenaswestrivetoreachtheproduct(arrivingattheballpark)

FindingPleasureinEverythingYouDo

Sothenexttimeyoursquoreonalatenightruntothesupermarkettrynottobesointentonreturninghome(product)thatyoufailtoenjoytheprocess--listeningtothecarradiosharingastorywith thecheckoutattendantpassingafriendlywordtoaneighbor

Challenge5BTheCycleNeverEnds

The remarkable part of the Product-Process Connundrum is that the cycle never ends that iseveryproducthasaprocessandinturneveryprocesscanbesubdividedintoanendlessstringofmini-products and processes For example once we decide to marinate the chicken (our latestproduct) an entirely new process magically unfolds selecting the marinade deciding whatingredientstoaddfindingthebrushtospreaditturningthechickenovercheckingbackinanhourortwotoreapplyandsoonandsoforth

Thepointisthecycleneverends--wesetoursightsonaproductandaprocessunfoldsAndonce engaged in the process a new product appears The cycle continues until fatigued fromthoughtwedecidetostopthinkingaboutthem

Andthenexttimethatyoursquoreheadinghomefromworktrynottobesointentonpullingintothedriveway(product) thatyouneglect toenjoythetriphomeImagine the walk to your car as part of your exercise program think of afriendly word to the parking attendant as a bid to connect consider that anendlesstrafficjamoffersmoretimetoenjoyaradiosegmentthatyouotherwisemighthavemissed

ldquoDonotthinkthatwhatyourthoughtsdwelluponisofnomatterYourthoughtsaremakingyourdquo

--BishopSteere

Andthenexttimethatyoumoveintoanewhometrynottobesofocusedonputtingeverythingaway(product)thatyoumissachancetoembracetheprocess-- the memories that flow from unpacking sentimental treasures that warmfeelingfromwatchingfamilymembersworktogetherthedreamsthatflowfromimaginingwhatanewhomewilllooklikewillbecome

GrantYourselfPermission

Believeitornotyoursquoreactuallyallowed--yesyoursquoreactuallypermitted--toenjoyyournewhomefromthemomentthatyoumoveinYoudonrsquothavetowait until the carpets are cleaned or the woodshop is ready or the bags areunpacked The fact is therersquos no required waiting period for pleasure tobegin

Sodonrsquotwait tobehappyDonrsquotwait untiltheproductisachievedFeelgoodrightnowRealizethatassoonastheprocessbeginsyoursquorefree--trulyfreetoenjoyeverypartoftheexperience

ldquoThecontinuousinventionofnewwaysofobservingismanrsquosspecialsecretoflivingrdquo

--JZYoung

Enjoytheprocess

Challenge5CCreatingaTrigger

Ifyouwish to spendmore timeenjoying theprocess try theldquotriggerrdquochallenge Itrsquosnothingdramatic -- it simplyencouragesus tocreatesomeformofvisualauditoryorkinestheticldquotriggerrdquotohelpshiftourthoughtstotheprocess

Creatinga triggerof coursewonrsquotmagically transformyour thoughtsor behavior And no trigger can quickly induce human change -- onlyawarenesscandothatButatriggernonethelesscanhelpusspeedalongtheprocess

A personal trigger might be nothing more than a word (spokeninternally)amovementorasoundAtriggerneedonlyremindustostopfixatingontheproductandbeginenjoyingtheprocessThebesttriggersofcoursearetheonesthatwecreateandthemoreactivethebetterIsupposethat the ideal triggerwould activate all of our sensesBut IrsquomproposingsomethingmoremodestIrsquomproposingatriggerthatisequalpartssimpleandswift

Herersquoswhat I dowhen I findmy thoughts locked on the product Iclenchmyhandintoafist(product)andslowlyopenitup(process)Thehand flexwhich takes all of five seconds remindsme to shiftmy focusfrom theproduct (my fist) to theprocess (my fingers) If I have an extramomentItrytorollmyfingersoutslowlyasifeachonerepresentsapartoftheprocessI imaginetakingpleasureineverystepAndifIrsquomluckymythoughtsbegintoshiftawayfromtheproductifonlyforawhile

If yoursquore thinking about creating your own personal trigger Irsquodrecommend that you 1 keep it simple 2 engage your senses and 3recognize that you may have to change it at some point to avoidembarrassingmoments(clenchingyourfistatthenextboardmeetingmightbeatouchuncomfortable)

Challenge5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself

ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthisreportisfinishedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthekitcheniscleaneduprdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilschoolisoutrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepresentationiscompletedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilIrsquovefinishedpaintingthebasementrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepartyisoverrdquo

Therearetimeswhenwesaythesewordswithenthusiasm(ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntil the show tomorrownightrdquo)whenour excitement about theproduct(watching the show) actually enhances our enjoyment of the process(lookingforwardtoit)

ButmoreoftenthannotthephraseldquoIcanrsquotwaitrdquosignalssorrownot joy The phrase typically flows from frustration from a desire tocomplete the dreaded task so that other pursuits can be enjoyed -- egmusic television eating socializing reading going to the theater orattendingasportingevent

WishingThemAway

Sadly a remarkable amount of our mental life is spent hoping theunpleasanttasksbeforeus(moreaccuratelythosetaskswersquovedecidedareunpleasant)willbedonePrivatelywethinkabouthowgooditwillfeeltobefinishedhowpleasedwewillbewhenthefilingisdonethemailissortedtheproposaliscomplete

Howthendowelearntoenjoythefilingtotakepleasureinsortingthemailtoenjoypreparingtheproposalnotsimplycompletingit

Todoso tomore thoroughlyenjoy theprocesswemust firstbecomeaware of our thoughts and the degree towhichwe equate productswithhappinessandprocesswithdrudgery

Herethenisourthree-partchallenge

Part1Selectone (yes justone)unpleasant task that isa taskyoudonrsquotparticularlyenjoydoing thekindthatquicklystirsupnegative

thoughtsinsideofyou

Part 2 The next time you begin this task consciously decide toldquowatchyourthoughtsrdquothatistolistentoyourprivatethoughtsasyoubegintheactivitythenstartdoingtheactivity

Step3Asyoursquoreldquothoughtwatching1rdquoaskyourselfthreequestionstorevealyourproduct-processorientation

Q1HowoftendoIthinkaboutfinishing(frequency)Q2Howstrongarethesefeelings(emotion)Q3Howlongdothesethoughtslast(persistence)

The good news is yoursquoll have plenty of chances to run theseldquothoughtexperimentsrdquoOrmaybethatrsquosthebadnews

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearhere

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoy

ldquoIfinditextremelydifficulttoenjoycookinglsquoontherunrsquothatisrunninginafterworkandrunningtochangeandgetdinnercookingItisunpleasantbecauseIreallylovetocookbutdonrsquotwanttofeelrushedandunabletobelsquocreativersquoaboutcooking

ldquoAlsoIcannotenjoysomeofthedailytasksthatIhavetodowithmyMother(iegettingherreadyforbed)This hangs overmy head until she is upstairs and in her bed I canrsquot relax and enjoymy eveningbecauseIknowthatthischoreiscomingupCanrsquotexplainitrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoIhatecleaninghouseOhIlikeaneathouseAndIrsquomembarrassedifanyonecomestomydoorwhenIrsquomnotexpectingthemMytoleranceforclutterishigherthanmostmalesSoIallowmyselftoavoidthe

unpleasanttaskofcleaninghouseThereisNOenjoymentinitformeduringtheprocessandlittleafteritrsquosdonerdquo--NatE

ldquoLightlyunpleasantpayingbills (thebestpart iswhen itrsquosover -- itrsquosnot really themoneyspendingaspect itrsquos the choregotta do drudgery aspect) supremely unpleasant counseling out or terminatingemployees(fortunatelynotveryregular)especiallyifothersthanmyselfshouldhavebeenprovidingmoreconstructivefeedbackpriortothesituationreachingthisnecessityrdquo--JoelR

ldquoPhone calls to difficult customers any kind of tax (FedState) preparation delivering bad news toanyonerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoUnsavoryTasksTheonlythingthatIwouldcategorizethiswayisthehomeworkstudyingrequiredformyStatistics(sadistics)classwhichIamcurrentlytakinginmyMBAprogramItisverydemandingandthesubjectmatterisoneaboutwhichIdonotparticularlycareHoweverIremindmyselfthatitwillsoonbeoverandthatthereareotherssufferingthroughitaswellAmethodIfrequentlyemploytogetmethroughthisandotherunsavorytasksistoremindmyselfthatitcouldalwaysbemuchworse

ldquoForinstancedespitethefactthatIhavenointerestinStatisticsIamabletodothehomeworkandpasstheexamsItwouldbeextremelyunpleasantifIwerelessintelligentandnotabletograsptheconceptsofthisrequiredcourseThemostcommonthingaboutwhichIconstantlyremindmyself is that Iamnot inwarItrytorevisitthefeelingthatIhadafterseeinglsquoSavingPrivateRyanrsquooradocumentaryIrecentlysawabout POWrsquos in Vietnam called lsquoReturnWith Honorrsquo Though this does not allow me to lsquoenjoyrsquo anunsavorytaskitgetsmethroughitwithminimalcomplaintrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoNowifIcouldonlyfindthesilverlininginscrubbingtheshowerstallrdquo--VickiS

ldquoCleaningoutthekittylitterusedbyourtwocatsrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIdislikemakingmybedIdonrsquotliketodoweekendchoresegfixingthingspaintingetc--avoidaslongaspossibleIdonrsquotliketogetupearly--doitforbusinessmeetingsortogetMaxtoschoolrdquo--CarlE

ldquoIhaveadifficult timeenjoyinganything thathasbadsmellsassociatedwith itYouprobablydonotneeddetailshererdquo--KarinU

ldquoTheroutinetasksthatareperformedinahurry(cleaninglaundrygroceryshopping)canbeenjoyablewhen not in a hurry Itrsquos not always the task that is unpleasant but the context in which it is beingperformedIthinkthecontextismuchmoreimportantingeneralthantheplacesandactivitiesThinkaboutdoingsomethingroutinebyyourselfwithsomeoneyoudonrsquotparticularlycareforandwithalonglostfriendItdramaticallychangesthelsquofun-nessrsquooftheactivitybecausetheactivityisnolongerthemainfocusCompanionshipcompatibilitylaughtertakeoverrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoUnsavory Tasks totally unpleasant is confrontation of any kind Although I have gotten better athandlingitIalwayshavesickfeelinginmystomachbeforeduringandafteraconfrontationwithsomeoneEvenifitturnsoutOKSomewhatrelatedismeetingorfacingstrangers--lotsofanxietythereunlesstheyaretotallyonmyturfwhereIhavesomeexperienceorexpertiseDonrsquotgetmewrongIdefinitelyenjoypeopleitjusttakesmetimetofeelcomfortableandperhapstrustingofthemrdquo--VickiH

ldquoUnsavoryTasks thinkingofwhat tomake for lunchesordinner I lovemaking the food I justhatedecidingwhattomakerdquo--GailC

PureOutcomeldquoVeryfewmomentsareperceivedaspureoutcomerdquo

--HughPrather

1ldquoThoughtwatchingrdquoisachallengingendeavorbecauseourthoughtstendtoloopasifonaldquothoughtwheelrdquoAthoughtrisesfromanynumberofsourcesquicklypeaksinintensitylaysdormantforawhileonlytoriseagainsomewhatlessintenselythanbefore

Rule6

Pause

ldquoNothingvaluablecanbelostbytakingtimerdquo--AbrahamLincoln

I used to joke thatAmericarsquos urban residentswere all communists becauseeveryone I knewwas rushinrsquo The quip still drawsmoderate laughter but theunderlying themes do not Nearly 30 years after Alvin Toffler pennedFutureShockhispropheciesareringingtrue--lifeisindeedspeedingup

Anditrsquosnotaprettysight

In todayrsquos up-tempo technologically driven society we rush aboutmercilesslyPhysicallywedriveourselves to fatigue traipsingcross-townandcross-countryMentallywedriveourselvestodistractioncreatinganeuralwebof rolesandresponsibility Increasinglyourdesire toarriveat thenextstationstopissopowerfulthatwefailtonoticethefruitstandsandchestnutoaksthatlineourpath

ldquoOurpatiencewillachievemorethanourforcerdquo--EdmundBurke

Howdoweslowthepace

By recognizing that the externalworldwill neitherwait for us nor slow tomeetourneedsMore thanacenturyafterAlexanderGrahamBellrsquos inventionalteredthenatureofhumancommunicationaprofusionofchoicesconfrontus-- voice mail and e-mail cell phones and pagers faxes and wireless InternetconnectivityWe thrill at the soundof awireless connection andpraise the e-

Gods for delivering faster hookups and high-speed data lines But have theyenhancedourqualityof lifeHavewegainedmorethanwersquovelostfromthesehigh-techtreats

Paradoxically many of the worldrsquos technological innovations threaten todissolve the very resource that they sought to create time And from allappearancesnotoolhasyettoappearonthetechnologicalhorizontoturnthattideWhichleavesuswithlittlechoiceIfwewishtodownshiftslowthetempoourbestchanceistoturninsideWeneedbetterfiltersbetterscreensweneedwaystomanagethestaggeringamountof incomingcerebral trafficInawordweneedtolearnhowtopause

ldquoThetimetorelaxiswhenyoudonrsquothavetimeforitrdquo

--SidneyJHarris

CalmingDownTheAmygdala

Brainresearchershaveconfirmedwhatwelonghaveknownintuitively--thattherersquos aphysiological benefit topausingRememberhowyourparentswouldtell you to ldquocount rsquotil 10rdquo when you became angry Do you know why thatworksIthastodowithhowyourbrainiswiredWhenacrisiseruptsroughly10ofyourneuronsarerouteddirectlytotheamygdalayourbrainrsquosemotionalcenterTheother90areroutedthroughthecerebralcortextheldquothinkingrdquopartofyourbrainScientistsbelieve thatwersquorewired thiswayforsurvival that ispart of our brain is designed to simply ldquoreactrdquo even before we ldquothinkrdquo Bycountingto10itallowsthoseneuronsthatfirsttraveledtotheamygdalatore-routeandgothroughthecerebralcortexThatisitgivesustimetoldquothinkrdquo

ACriticalSkill

Pausing is another of those critical life skills that school fails to address(ldquolisteningrdquo tops that list seeRule 11)And itrsquos not the easiest skill to learnPausing is difficult to improvebecausewe live in an agewhichpraises speedandglorifiesproductivity

ButlearningtopauseisworththeinvestmentItgivesustimetoreassessouroptionstochooseourwordsandactionsmorewiselyPausinggivesustimetocatchourbreathphysicallyandmetaphoricallytoidleourengineifonlyforamomentbeforewespeedoffinathousandnewdirectionsApausemaylastjust

a second or two (though aweek-long pause sounds somewhat appealing) butwhateverthelengtheachtimewechoosetopausewegiveourselvesapricelessgift--thegiftoftime

TryitoutThenexttimeyoustepintoyourcartrypausingforjustasecondortwobeforeyouturnontheengineflipontheradioorhookupyourseatbeltPausetakeadeepbreath

And tonight when you slip into bed pause for just a moment before youreach for the book on your night stand Throughout the day try pausing beforeyoudialthephoneorpouryourselfacoldonebeforeyousaynotoyourkids or yes to a volunteer request Soon enough yoursquoll find that simply bypausingyoursquovecreatedspaceforyourselfthatyouneverknewexisted

ldquoPatienceistheabilitytoidleyourmotorwhenyoufeellikestrippingyourgearsrdquo

--BarbaraJohnson

RushingisOptional

Thinkbacktoarecent timewhenyouwererushingaboutChancesare thematterwasnrsquoturgentthatistherewasnomedicalemergencyorlife-threateningsituation The fact is when we review lifersquos moments we find that only ahandfuldemand anup-tempopace aquick reactionor an instantaneous replyNonethelessourpersonalmantraisoneofspeedandhasteandsoonweforgetthatrushingisanoption

So

thenexttimeyoursquorelisteningtosomeoneyoulovetrypausingbeforeyouspeaklongenoughtohearyourprivatethoughts

andthenexttimeyousitdowntodothebillstrypausinglongenoughtohearyourworriesandyourfears

Chances are that if you take the time to pause yoursquoll quickly learn howpowerfulfivesecondscanbe

Tomorrowrsquos pressureswill come soon enoughTherewill be amoment ortwowhen your emotional center is fully chargedWhen thismoment arrivesconsiderRule6Itrsquosaphysiologicalfactthatamomentarystoppageinplay--beita20-secondtimeoutorafullone--willgiveyouenoughtimetoengagethethinkingpartofyourbrainThegoodnewsisthatinlifeunlikebasketballyoudonrsquotrunoutoftimeouts

ldquoInanycontestbetweenpowerandpatiencebetonpatiencerdquo

--WBPrescott

Wellnotexactly

FormoreseeAppendixBldquoLearningtoPauserdquo(p193)

Challenge6ACreateAPersonalTrigger

Todaywill be no different Today yoursquoll saymore than 10000wordsandmakemorethan1000decisionsAndthoughmostwillbeldquoautomaticrdquoa small handful will have a major impact on your self-esteem yourrelationshipsandyourlifedirection

Choose wisely But choose slowly Pausing is always in season butnevermoresothatwhenwespeakandwhenwedecide

Imagine if inside your neural network you were able to build anautonomicmechanismforpausingIfyoubuiltsuchasystemyourwordswouldmore likely inspire than irritate yourdecisionsbasedmoreonintelligencenotimpulsivity

So try creating a mental trigger for pausing that is a system thatinstructs you to pause before you speakAnd pause before youdecide

Yourldquotriggerrdquomightbe

diamsPhysicalplacingafingertoyourlipsdiamsVisualimagingwavesthatcomeshoreordiamsAuditoryhearingavoicethatsimplywhispersldquowaitrdquo

Thetrickistofindatriggerthatworksforyouonethatfitscomfortablyintoyour thoughtpatternandyourmental schemeExperimenthave funbeplayfulThenifyoufindonethatworkstrytomakeitapermanentpartofyourprocessIfyoudothebenefitswilllastalifetime

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowoftendoyoupause

ldquoPausingWhewwhataconceptIfevertherewereapersonwhowasinneedofthisconceptitmustbeme

ldquoRealizingthatandthenmovingonitisanothermatterindeedPratherrsquoswords1arenoteasilyadheredto(formeatleast)ItrulybelieveIamattimesalmostlsquoADDrsquoinmythinkingpatternsIhavereadandre-readPratherrsquoswordsAmstillnotfullyunderstandingthembutwillattempttomakethetwodayexerciserdquo

ldquoWillgetbacktoyouinthreedaystime(hopefully)Sendsearchteamsifyouhavenrsquotheardfrommeinthreedays--MickeyF

ldquoIhavebeentoldthatmeditationmakesusawareofourthinkingasbeinglikeframesinamoviewithever growing gaps between each framethought until it ismore gap than frame PauseAlways insightsseemtocomewhenwelsquodaydreamrsquo--theyseemtorequirethepause(thatrefreshes)rdquo--JohnN

Patience

ldquoOnlythosewhohavethepatiencetodosimplethingsperfectlywillacquiretheskilltododifficultthingseasilyrdquo

--JohannFriedrichVonSchiller

TheMostImportantTalentldquoIfIhavemadeanyvaluablediscoveriesithasbeenowingmoretopatientattentionthantoanyothertalentrdquo

--SirIsaacNewton

1HughPrather in his bookldquoNotes onHow toLive inThisWorld andStillBeHappyrdquooffers tips onlearningtopauseExcerptsappearinAppendixB

Rule7

Laugh

ldquoPeoplewholaughactuallylivelongerthanthosewhodonrsquotlaughFewpersonsrealizethathealthactually

variesaccordingtotheamountoflaughterrdquo--DrJamesWalsh

ItrsquosofficialThestatisticsareinLaughterheals

Three decades of research have confirmed what Norman Cousins knewinstinctively--thatlaughterworksItlowersbloodpressurereducesyourheartrateboostsyourimmunesystemandhelpsyoucopewithpain

As if thatrsquos not enough laughter also improves relationships builds trustamongalliesandenemiesandhelpsconquerfearsandanxietiesAndthoughnophysicianwillprescribe itandnopharmacystocks it itrsquosquitepossible thatadailydoseoflaughterisnaturersquosperfectmedicineanaturalhealer

ldquoAgainsttheassaultoflaughternothingcanstandrdquo--MarkTwain

More than 30 years ago Norman Cousins combined his extraordinaryintuition and courage to stake claim to the notion that laughter is indeed thebestmedicineCousins theorized then proved that a regular dose of laughterwouldremovethecancerfromhisbodyCousinsbecamelivingtestimonytothemind-bodyconnectiondemonstratingbeyonda shadowof adoubt thathumorheals

SinceCousinsrsquopioneeringworkresearcherstheworldoverhaveaffirmedthepower of laughter Countless studies confirm that laughter createsmeasurablephysiological changes in the human bodyA sampling of study results showsthatjovialburstscan

bullRelievepain--laughterhelpspatientscopewithpain--laughterreleasesendorphinsthebodyrsquosnaturalpainkillersbullLoweryourheartrate--ldquoWhenwelaughourheartrateincreaseswhenwefinishlaughingitthendecreasestoarateslowerthanbeforewestartedtolaughrdquobullRelaxyourmuscles--ldquoTensioninourmusclesincreaseswhenwelaughandlessensoncewersquoredonerdquobullImprovebreathing--ldquoIncreasedrespirationfromlaughingclearsoutthedeadspacesinourlungsareasthatnormallydonrsquotgetoxygenatedrdquoandbullBoostyourimmunesystem1

ldquoTimespentlaughingistimespentwiththeGodsrdquo--Japaneseproverb

LifersquosNaturalResource

And the body of research continues to grow confirming what we senseintuitivelythattheabilitytoexerciseourinnerclowndirectlyaffectsourabilitytoenjoylife

StarttoLaugh

Sothenexttimeyoursquoregrippedwithfrustration

oracaseofill-will

starttolaugh

Andthenexttimeyourvoicebeginstosoar

andyournervesbegintofray

starttolaugh

ldquoLaughteristhemosthealthfulexertionrdquo

--CWilhelmHufeland

BuywhimsicalbookswatchfrivilouscomediesVisitcomedyclubsandreadcartoonsMake funny faces in themirrorWhatever your fancymake time inyourbusyscheduletolaugh

Itrsquospowerfulmedicine

Challenge7ALaughingallthewaytowork

Youprobably think that Irsquommaking this up but at one time licensedpsychologist Phyliss Shanken was employed as a ldquohumor consultantrdquo(currently shersquos theDirector ofPsychologicalServices at INTROSPECTofBuxMontwwwpshankencom)Butdonrsquot let that foolyou -- shersquosanexpertonlaughingBelowPhylisssharesherownstoryandinsodoingchallengeseachofustoldquolaughourselvessillyrdquo

Phylissshowustheway

ldquoEverymorning on the way to my office when I reach thetraffic lightatFivePointsPlazaIstart to laughIt takesaboutthree to four minutes to drive from there to my office and Icontinue to laughheartily theentire time Irsquomalone in thecarno one has toldme a joke 91 FM radio is probably reportingdepressing news or guests on a talk show are discussingproblemsintheworldtodayYetIlaughInordertostartmyselfoff Idonrsquoteven try to thinkofanything funny I justbreak intoguffaws Ifpeople inothercarsgivemewide-eyedstares I justlaughmoreAfterallembarrassmentbreedslaughter

ldquoWhydoIputmyselfthroughthischortlingworkoutBecauseI know that according to Dr William Fry a Stanfordpsychiatristwhohasbeenastudentoflaughterforthreedecadeslaughing 100 times a day (about three minutes) is thecardiovascularequivalentof10minutesofrowingJust thinkof

Q8-Doyouoftenthinkaboutyourhabits

QuestionsaboutLivingWithOthers(Rules9-13)Q9-DoyourespectPPIsQ10-DoyoureceivemoreUSSsthanyoudeliverQ11-HowimportantislisteningQ12-WhatkindacthaveyoudonelatelyQ13-Whatrsquosthedifferencebetweenldquobeingkindrdquoandldquohelpingothersrdquo

QuestionsaboutMakingGoodDecisions(Rules14-17)Q14-HowdoyoumakedecisionsQ15-Howimportantisittobearisk-takerQ16-IsconsistencyoverratedQ17-Whatrsquosthedifferencebetweenamistakeandabaddecision

AQuestionaboutAchievingYourGoals(Rules18-20)Q18-WhendoesyourPGAbecomeself-critical

AQuestionaboutTheFinalRule(Rule21)Q21-Whatrulesmakenosense

ChallengesChallenges-LivingwithYourself

1ATreatyourself4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent5AInsearchofthehappymoment5BThecycleneverends5CCreatingatrigger

5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo6ACreateapersonaltrigger7ALaughingallthewaytowork8ACreateanewhabit5simplesteps

Challenges-LivingWithOthers9AR-e-s-p-e-c-t=t-c-e-p-s-e-R10AHowlongcanyouwait11ALendanear12AldquoThankyouforcallingandbestofluckrdquo13ATheredlightchallenge

Challenges-MakingGoodDecisions14ATherersquosnosuchthingasabaddecision15AOhgoaheadtakearisk

17AAfteryournextmistake17BTrimyourldquoregretcyclerdquo

Challenges-AchievingYourGoals18AHowsharpisyourknife19AWhilelyinginbed19BldquoOuttolunchbebackinanhourrdquo

Foreword

ThisbookisperfectformyfriendMitchWilliamswhosohetellsmeoftenstartsreadingbooksinthemiddleIdonrsquotquiteunderstandhowhedoesthatIrsquoveheardhimexplainitadozentimesldquoYesIjustopenthebookinthemiddleandstartreadingrdquo

HonestlyIdonrsquotgetitbutinthiscasewith21RuleshersquodbespotonbecausethisisnrsquotoneofthosebooksthatyoureadfronttobackItrsquosaskip-aroundbookGlancethecontentsenjoythepoignantquotesoneverypagePickitupputitdownDonrsquotmakeitachoreReadingshouldnrsquotbeachorePerhapsthatrsquosRule22

OhanddonrsquotmisstheAppendicesall12ofthemTheyrsquorechockfullofgreatwisdomndashnoneofitfrommeIrsquovesimplygatheredinsightfromworldexpertsandcondenseditforyou

Irsquovespentthebetterpartofmyadultlifereadingself-helpbooksandIfinallyrealizedthatitwastimetoputmyjournalisticbackgroundtouseSothisbookinessenceisacompilationofthewisdomsharedovertheyearsbyself-helpgurusIrsquovejustbroughtitalltogetherforyou

Irsquomhappytosharesomeofmyfavorites(Rules10and19topthechartalongwithAppendixFtitledldquoTheHumanTranslatorrdquo)butyoursquollsoonfindsomeofyourownandIrsquodlovetoknowwhattheyareSopleasesendalonganemail(steveferbergmailcom)toletmeknowAnddonrsquotbeshyIrsquodlovetohearfromyou

TheinspirationbehindthisbookofcoursearethefourwomenwithwhomIrsquommadlyinlovendashmywifeRoe(thisyearwecelebrateour35thyearofmarriage)andourdaughtersMelyssaNatalieandOliviaEachofthemisagiftfromheaveninsightfulstrongintouchmotivatedcaringandwiseIloveyou

AndIlovethefriendsandfamilywhowerekindenoughtoanswermyendlessseriesofquestionsandwhoallowedmetopublishtheiranswersinthis

book(inspecialsectionscallednotsurprisinglyldquoMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsrdquo)Stopandreadoneortwoyoursquollbeimpressedwiththeirinsight

SothankyoutomysisterIlenemysister-in-lawCaroleuncleAllanbrother-in-lawBrucecousinsChrisJillMarnieandSteeve(yesitrsquostwoersquos)andfriendsgalorendashBobbiCordingleyCarlEcksteinGailChmuraDaveRuppGaryMillerJoelAnnReaJoeBrancatelliJohnNelsonJerrySemperKathyDowdKarinUdlerMarleyCasagrandeMickeyFilipponiNatEmeryRonTaylorSheilaFilipponiVickiHutmanandVickiSullivan

IrsquodalsoliketothankJayDeegandesignerextraordinairewhodesignedsixversionsofthebookcoverandimpressesusdailywithhisgeniusAndfinallyaspecialthankyoutomygoodfriendandcolleagueElizabethBushwhotookthetimetoeditthisbookanddelightmewithhercommentssuggestionsandcritiqueSheisaspecialpersonIwisheachofyoucouldmeether

ThankyouforpickingthisbookupIhopethatithasmeaningforyou

SteveFerberCharlestonSouthCarolina

September2012

IntroductionTheWindowampTheWind

ldquoManrsquosgreatnessliesinhispowerofthoughtrdquo--BlaisePascal

Inlargemeasurethisbookisaboutourthoughtsthethoughtsthatourmindcreates and re-creates as we experience life Thoughts are said to be thewindowtoourlivesbutIbelievethattheyarethewindaswell

There is no escaping the notion that our thoughts define our entire humanexperience--theystandbehindeverywordthatwespeakeveryactionthatwetakeand(nearly)everyemotionthatwefeelYetknowingthiswespendbutafractionofourtimeexaminingourthoughtsInsteadwespendmuchofourdayrepeatingtiredandworn-outthoughtpatterns

ldquoThekeytoeverymanishisthoughtrdquo--RalphWaldoEmerson

This book is about changing those patterns about thinking new thoughtsaboutcapturingmorehappymomentsdeliveringmorelovingsmilesCentraltoourthemeisthenotionthatwecanchoosewhattothinkthatweactuallyhaveachoice about what private thoughts to ponder But do we Can we actuallychoosewhattothink

Basedonwhatweknowaboutthephysiologyofthebrain--ie theneuralcompetitionbetweenlogic(thecerebralcortex)andemotion(theamygdala)--itappearsreasonabletospeculatethat1Wehavesomeabilitytochoosewhatwethink (though our powerful emotional centers honed over 40000 years forsurvivalcaneasilyoverwhelmourlogicsystems)2Eachindividualrsquosabilitytoldquochooserdquovariesdramaticallygiventhateachhumanbeingisauniqueblendof

natureandnurture3Weallarecapableofimproving--thatiseachofuscanenhanceourabilitytochoose

DoWeReallyHaveaChoice

AsayoungsterthenateenagerandyoungadultIviewedchoiceasnothingmorethanldquoactivityselectionrdquoInthiscontextchoicemeantdecidingwhattodonextwithourpersonalandfamilytime

ldquoWhatbookshouldIreadnextrdquo

ldquoWhatrestaurantshouldwegotofordinnerrdquo

ldquoWhatTVshowshouldIwatchrdquo

ldquoEveryeventthatamanwouldmastermustbemountedontherunandnomanevercaughtthereinsofathoughtexceptasitgallopedpasthimrdquo

--OliverWendellHolmes

If we are fortunate our lives offermany such choices But the concept ofchoicegoesfarbeyondmereactivities--choiceencompassesallthatwesay(thewords thatwespeak) all thatwedo (theactionswe take) andas Iwill soonarguenearlyallthatwethink(thethoughtsthatfillourminds)

DoWeChooseWhattoSay

OfcourseAfteralltoavoidoffendingotherswithourwordswecansimplychoosenottospeak(howeverdifficultthatmayseemattimes)Eachdaywersquorefaced with thousands of decisions none more critical than knowing when tospeak and in turn knowing what to say The words that we speak haveenormous influence over our lives because they define the health of ourrelationshipsThisiswhywemustchooseourwordscarefullytomakecertainthatweavoidatallcostsspeakingharshlytothosewhomwelove

DoWeChooseWhattoDo

NoquestionIfwewantedtoavoidoffendingotherswithouractionswecansimplychoosenottoact--tositquietlyandobserveandcontemplate

ButOurThoughts

CanwereallychoosewhattothinkIbelievethatwecanIbelievethatitrsquospossibletomoveourpersonalthoughttrackseversogentlyinthedirectionthatwedesireGrantedourthoughtpatternsaredeeplyingrainedandmayindeedsolidify with age But study after study personal experience after personalexperienceaffirmsthatchangeispossible

ldquoLifeistheonlygameinwhichtheobjectofthegameistolearntherulesrdquo

--AshleighBrilliant

Thekeyofcourse isawarenessAfterallhowcanwechangeourpatternsunlessweknowwhattheyare

HiddenFromtheWorld

Byand largeourmentalhabits arehidden from theworldThatrsquoswhy itrsquoseasierforafriendtotellustostopsmoking(physicalhabit)thantostopbeingself-critical (mental habit) Chances are that our friends probably know howmanytimesadaywesmokeacigarettebuttheylikelyhavenoideahowmanytimesadayweprivatelycriticizeourselves

Theworldisobsessedwithimprovingourphysicalhabits--wersquoretoldtoeatamorenutritiousbreakfastexercisethreetimesaweeksleepafulleighthoursa night But where are the comparable preachings for improving our mentalhabits

Yesourmentalhabitsmaybehidden from theworldbut theyrsquorecertainlynothiddenfromusThetruthisifyoupauselongenoughtoactuallywatchyourthoughtstoobserveandanalyzethemyoursquollquicklynoticehowrepetitivetheyare Though each of us considers ourselves unique and mysterious andcomplextherealityisthatourthoughtpatternsourldquoprivatethoughttracksrdquoarequitepredictable

Rest assured just as our neural networks instruct our body to move in acertainway(eg tyingourshoelacesswingingagolfclub)thesesameneuralnetworks instruct ourmind to think in a certainway (eg getting upsetwhensomeonecutsusoffintraffic)

ldquoYoubecomewhatyouthinkaboutrdquo

--EarlNightingale

LetrsquostakeanexampleSaythataclosefriendtellsyouthatyoursquorebeingtoosensitive Chances are that the comment will trigger a sequence of familiarthoughts that leadyou to criticize bothyourself andyour friendThepatternsareall toofamiliar--someoneinsultsyouand inaninstantyourcerebralCDbeginsplayingldquoThoughtTrack25rdquo

OrsaythatapersonchallengesyourauthorityInpopsldquoThoughtTrack41rdquotriggeringawell-wornsequenceofangerandrevengeAndsoitgoesmomentbymoment day after daywe play our pre-recorded thought tracks over andoverandoveragain

Itdoesnrsquothave tobe thatwayWecandeletedislikable tracksandbegin tore-stockthe libraryWecandiscardportionsofour inventoryandcreatefreshnewtracksforthecomingseasonEasytodoOfcoursenotbuttherewardsaresubstantialAfterallasidefromfamilyandyourfriendswhatrsquosmorepreciousthanyourprivatethoughttime

LetrsquosGetPhysical

Irsquoveoftenwonderedwhywespendsomuchtimetryingtoalterourphysicalhabits (eg cutting down on food alcohol or tobacco) but so little on ourmental habitswhywe spend somuch time learning newphysical skills (egguitar tennis yoga computer skills) but so little learning newmental skillsPerhaps itrsquos because our physical habits are public or perhaps itrsquos becausetheyrsquorejusteasiertolearn

Perhaps But imagine the benefits of learning new mental skills Imaginebuildinganinternalsystemwherethoughtscreateconfidenceandself-esteem

Shouldnrsquotwebepayingmoreattentiontoourmentalhabits

CreatingPrivateWordsofEncouragement

WordsareamongmanrsquosmostpowerfulforcesyetweoftenneglecttoharnessthemIrsquomsurethatyoucanrecallamomentinyourlifewhenawordortwo--from a person that you respect -- led you to change a personal decision orperhapsmoredramatically thecourseofyour life Itmayhavebeenasimple

suggestion (ldquoWhy donrsquot you give them a callrdquo) or it may have been strongwordsofsupport(ldquotrustyourinstinctsrdquo)

ldquoEverythoughtwethinkiscreatingourfuturerdquo--LouiseLHay

Irefertotheseurgingsasldquopublicwordsofencouragementrdquobecausewetakethese publicwords and incorporate them into our private thoughts to help usshape future decisionsWe hear publicwords of encouragement not just fromfriends and relatives but from authors and politicians script writers and talkshowhosts1

WhynotlearntocreateourownldquoprivatewordsofencouragementrdquoWhynotstartlisteningtoourselvesItismyferventhopethat21RulesToLiveBywillhelpyoudojustthat

IrecallhowstandingatafuneralseveralyearsagoIstartedtoimaginewhateveryonewasthinkingItseemedthatatthissingularmomentallpettydisputeshaddissolvedalldailyworrieshaddiminishedDuringthisoneuniquemomentitappearedthatwewereallofonemind--sharingthoughtsofloveandwarmthoffriendshipandcompassionYethourslaterintheprivacyofourcarorourhome or our thoughts we quickly reverted to our hackneyed thought tracksthoughtsthatcriticizeandcondemndestroyanddiminish

ldquoThoughttakesmanoutofservitudeintofreedomrdquo--HenryWadsworthLongfellow

Now alone in the privacy of my car I asked myself since theyrsquore justthoughtswhatpreventsusfromcreatingandre-creatingthesamethoughtsthatwe experienced at the funeral If theyrsquore just thoughtswhat prevents us fromcreating themwhilewersquore sitting in trafficweeding thegarden or paying thebillsWhymustwereverttooldpatterns

TheanswerofcourseisthatweneednotAllweneedisanewsetoftools

InthephysicalworldwersquorepresentedwiththousandsoftoolseachcreatedandsoldonthepromisethattheyrsquollsaveyoutimeorincreaseproductivityButrarearethetoolsdesignedtohelpusimproveourmentaloutlookShouldnrsquotwespendmoretimeshoppingforthem

MatchingtheMoments

21RulestoLiveByisonesuchtooldesignedtorelieveanxietyandtensionto diminish anger and aggravation to redirect your thoughts to a happier andhealthierplace

Oneofmyprimarygoalsinwriting21Ruleswastomakeitpracticalthatistoofferspecificldquowordsofencouragementrdquothatyoucouldsharewithyourselfatjusttherightmoment

Whatmomentsarewetalkingabout

diamsmomentswhenyoursquorestrugglingwithlifersquosuncertainties(Rules1-3)

diams moments when yoursquore overwhelmed with anxiety trying to calm yournerves(Rules4-8)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoreinteractingwithanotherpersonbe it a familymember a close friend or a newacquaintance (Rules 9-13)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoretryingtomakeadecision(Rules14-17)

ldquoThenoblestpleasureisthejoyofunderstandingrdquo--LeonardoDaVinci

diams moments when yoursquore creating then striving to reach a personal goal(Rules 18-20) and diams moments when yoursquore frustrated by people orinstitutionsthatremainunwillingtochange(Rule21)

In its simplest form 21 Rules To Live By is a ldquohow-tordquo journal offeringspecificwordsofencouragementforsomeoflifersquosmostanxiety-filledmomentsToo often after reading a self-help book I was left wondering ldquoOK IunderstandwhattheauthorissayingButnowwhatdoIdotocalmdowntofeelbettertofeelmorerelaxedrdquo

With this inmind I crafted each of the 21 ruleswith specificmoments inmindTheconceptwaswheneveroneof thesemomentspresenteditself therewouldbearule--awordofencouragementofguidance--tohelpbringusbacktocentertoeasetheanxietyortheangst

Examplewhenyoursquorestuckinmind-numbingtrafficandyourtemperatureisstarting to rise turn to Rule 4 (Live in the Present) or Rule 5 (Focus on the

Process) Or perhaps yoursquore privately negotiating a career change -- Rule 14(ListenToYourHeart)canhelp

Step1

Mind you the concept of linking words to moments may seem far toosimplistic to generate meaningful long-lasting change Consider then theserulesthesewordsasafirststeptowardsbuildingnewthoughthabitsnewwaysofthinkingaboutourdayrsquostravailsThetruthiswhilelifeisbothdynamicandunpredictable our thought tracks often are not and the more quickly werecognizethisandtakestepstochangethemthehappierwewillbe

ldquoItrsquosonlyathoughtandathoughtcanbechangedrdquo--LouiseMay

Onapersonalnote Ioftenhaveused theserulesduring timesofstressandfrustration and I am pleased to report have experienced notable successNaturally Irsquom not always soothed by just words (intense moments seem tooverwhelmmyability to listen)Butmore thannot theseprivatewordshavehelped my mental outlook releasing my private thoughts to travel in newdirections In essence these rules have helped createmoremental timemoretimeformetodreamandcreateinsteadofgrouseandcomplain

Myhopeisthatasyoureadthisbookyoursquollfindaruleortwothatworksforyou (naturallymorewould bewonderful)My hope is that yoursquoll find a rulethatwhenappliedatjusttherightmomentbringsyouasenseofinnercalmorpeace and lasts formore than amoment If that should be the case Iwill bepleasedbeyondmeasure

This book is not intended as a scientific journal (though itrsquos pepperedwithreferences) nor does it aim to explore the physiology of the human thoughtprocess(itdoestouchbrieflyonauditoryandvisualcues)Insteadthisbookissimplyabidtoofferpersonalwordsofencouragementthatyoucansharewithyourselfasyourmomentsunfold

Why21

Iselectedldquo21rdquorulesforahighlyscientificreasonallthreeofourdaughters(MelyssaNatalieampOlivia)andnowourfirstgrandchild(Emery)arebornonthe21stMywifeRoedeliveredallthreegirlsnaturallythatisnoscheduledC-

sectionsMymotherlovedthecoincidenceofnaturebecauseitwaseasyforhertorememberhergranddaughtersrsquobirthdates--sheonlyneededtorememberthemonth (September February and March by the way just in case yoursquoreplanningtobuyagift)Naturallysincethebirthofourdaughtersthenumber21hasbecomesomethingofafamilyemblemnottomentionthatblackjackismyfavoritecardgame

ldquoThoughtshavepowerthoughtsareenergyAndyoucanmakeyourworldorbreakitbyyourownthinkingrdquo

--SusanTaylor

WhyThese21

Theprocessofselectingthe21ruleswastobesureatouchmorescientificIt involvedmatching lifersquosmoments (eg alonewith our thoughts talking toothersmakingdecisions settinggoals)withspecific rules (it shouldbenotedhowever that the list of 21 is not necessarily in order of importance insteadtheyrsquoregroupedaccordingtomomentstofacilitaterecall)

TheongoingdebatewithinthefamilycontinuesoverRule1ForthebetterpartofadecadeRule1was toldquohavefunrdquo(itrsquosstill in themixdonrsquotworry)MywifeRoeandIstressed this rulebecauseparticularlyon theathletic fieldplayersoften forgot to enjoy themselves Instead theathletic fieldbecameyetanotherbattlegroundofegoandpersonalityToooftenyoungathletesweretoldto focus on winning instead of effort to emphasize aggression instead ofcompassion (no wonder we struggle to build tolerance between races andnations)SoldquohavingfunrdquobecameacentralfamilythemeThefactthatitrsquosbeensupplanted by a new1will likely stir family debates for the next decade ortwo

DonrsquotMissTheseIf yoursquore tight for time make sure you that donrsquot miss these three

passages (some of my favorites) -- ldquoYou Donrsquot Need More Self-Disciplinerdquo (page 68) --TheFirm-FlexContinuum (Rule 19 page169)and--LaughingAlltheWay(page62)

ldquoTheLawofAttractionattractstoyoueverythingyouneedaccordingtothenatureofyourthoughtlifeYourenvironmentalandfinancialconditionaretheperfectreflectionofyourhabitualthinkingThoughtrulestheworldrdquo

--JosephEdwardMurphy

TheRulesThemselves

Herethenisaquicklookatthe21rulesgroupedintosixbroadcategories

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1BeKindtoYourselfRule2HaveFunRule3WorkHard

Asnotedforthebetterpartoftenyearsourfamilyrsquos1rulewastohavefunInourcurrentlistithasnrsquotfallenfar(itrsquosnow2)butthatdoesnrsquotpreventourdaughtersfromgivingusgriefnowandagainTheyinsistthathavingfunisstill1intheirheartsFarbeitfromustodisagree

Butthenew1--BeKindtoYourself--isaworthycompetitorbecauseofitspower to transcend all others Too often we privately criticize ourselvesattacking both our decisions and behavior By and large this self-criticism isdetrimentaltoourwell-beingbluntingourabilitytogrowandevolve

Rule1isavariantonthegoldenrule--treatyourselfasyouwishforotherstotreatyouwithkindnessandpatiencewithgraceandcompassionThisisnrsquotto say that self-criticism doesnrsquot have its place -- it does as guilt and self-examinationareworthyassetsontheroadtoself-discoveryButtoooftenourprivateself-judgmentservestolessennotliftupoursenseofself

RulesforLivingwithYourself

Rule4LiveinthePresentRule5FocusontheProcessRule6PauseRule7LaughRule8CreateNewHabits

YearsagoIreadthefollowingquoteldquoNotonepersonin10000canliveinthe presentrdquo The quote intrigued me and has generated years of self-thoughtaboutboththemeaningofthatphraseandtheenormouschallengeofdoingsoRules 4 and 5 urge us to focus on themoment however impossible thatmayseemAndRules67and8offerusapathwayforwhattodowhenconfrontedbyanxietyandfrustration

ldquoYouaretodaywhereyourthoughtshavebroughtyouyouwillbetomorrowwhereyourthoughtstakeyourdquo

--JamesAllen

Life presents no shortage ofmoments inwhich to employ these five ruleseachaimedathelpinguslivewithourselves

RulesforLivingwithOthers

Rule9RespectPPIs(PersonalPreferenceItems)Rule10AvoidUSSs(UnsolicitedSuggestions)Rule11ListenRule12BeKindtoOthersRule13HelpOthers

Feelfreetoskipthissectionifyou1livealone2neverinteractwithotherpeopleand3havenoplansforengagingwithothersFortherestofyouyoursquollprobablyenjoyRules9and10whichaddressrespectandpersonalpreferences

Thisgroupofrulesalsoincludesoneofmyfavoriteslisten(11)Itrsquosquitepossible that listening is themost important human skill that is never taughtMoreaboutthislater

RulesforMakingGoodDecisions

Rule14ListenToYourHeartRule15TakeRisksRule16YoursquoreFreeToChangeYourMindAtAnyTimeRule17WelcomeMistakes

ldquoWefindithardtobelievethatotherpeoplersquosthoughtsareassillyasourownbuttheyprobablyarerdquo

--JamesRobinson

Regardless of what kind of decision yoursquore making these four rules willeasilyapplyRules14and15aredesignedtohelpyouwhileyoursquoremakingyourdecisionRules16and17willguideyouafteryoursquovemadeyourdecisionMyfavorite from this set is Rule 16 (Yoursquore Free to ChangeYourMindAtAnyTime)Itrsquosoneofthemostpopularrulesinourhouse

RulesforAchievingYourGoals

Rule18ZerotoOneRule19BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20SetGoalsNotExpectations

Ifyoursquorethekindofpersonwhosetspersonalgoalsyoursquollenjoythesethreeplusadetailedintroductorysectionwhichdescribesthesixmajortenetsofgoal-settingdrawnfrom theworldrsquos leadingexpertsRules18and20aredesignedforusebeforeyousetyourgoalsinstoneAndthentherersquosmypersonalfavoriteRule19 (BeFirmYetFlexible)which I seem tousedailyboth toguidemydecisionsandactionsandre-establishbalanceinmylifeWhateveryoudodonrsquotmissRule19

TheFinalRule

Rule21QuestionAllRules

Some years ago we taught our daughters an important life rule -- ldquoSeekForgivenessNotPermissionrdquo -- on the condition that theywould never use itagainst us I still love that rule and use it frequently (as do our daughters)becauseitunderscorestheessenceofRule21QuestionAllRules

Lifeisfilledwithaplethoraofrules--fromgrammarrulesandunionrulestodrivingrulesandtaxrulesjusttonameafewIrsquomnotabigfanofrules(makingitallthemorecuriouswhyIwroteabookentirelyaboutrules)whichiswhyIenjoyRule21

Toooftenweareaskedtofollowrulesofquestionablelogic(ldquoIrsquomsorrysirbutthatrsquosjustourpolicyrdquo)andsoonoursenseoffairnessispiquedIsupposethatonecouldsimplycomplyandacquiesce to the torridstreamof rules thatrunour lives Iprefernot Iassume theposition thatchallengingrules ismorethananoptionitrsquosanobligationaresponsibilitySoasyoureadthroughthese21offeringspleasequestionthematwill

ldquoAlltrulywisethoughtshavebeenthoughtalreadythousandsoftimesbuttomakethemtrulyourswemustthinkthemoveragainhonestlytilltheytakerootinourpersonalexperiencerdquo

--JohannWolfgangVonGoethe

Goodnessknowsourdaughtersdo

RulesThatSoothe

MyhopeisthatwithinthesepagesyouwillfindaruleortwothatbothsuitsandsoothesThetruthiswecanre-writeourpersonalscriptswecanthinknewthoughtswecanchoosewhatwethink

So if yoursquove ever been angry frustrated upset overwhelmed conflictedworried agitated furious frantic uneasy perturbed anxious nervous tenseapprehensiveboredannoyedbeleagueredorstressedlikemethenthisbookisforyou

Enjoy

SloppyThinkingldquoSloppythinkinggetsworseovertimerdquo

--JennyHolzer

1 I remember taking inspiration from a small mistake made by Helen Hunt at the Academy AwardspresentationsomeyearsagoShebeganbyfirstmispronouncingthenmissingentirelyawordortwoFiveseconds intoherpresentationshepolitelypausedandsaidldquoLetrsquosstartagainrdquoAndsoshedidNoonecriticizednooneblinkedSmoothlyandwithoutfanfareshesimplydecidedtoldquostartoverrdquoteachingusallhowsimpleitcanbetobeginagain

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1

BeKindToYourself

ldquoAccepteverythingaboutyourself--ImeaneverythingYouareyouandthatisthebeginningandtheend--no

apologiesnoregretsrdquo--ClarkMoustakas

Tobeginashortquiz

Name the threepeoplewithwhomyouhavespent themost time in the lasttwo years Feel free to place the book aside as you contemplate the answerWersquollwaitHmmmhmmmhmmm

ldquoItisofpracticalvaluetolearntolikeyourselfSinceyoumustspendsomuchtimewithyourselfyoumightaswellgetsomesatisfactionoutoftherelationshiprdquo

--NormanVincentPeale

NorushTakeyourtime

OurquizofcourseisabitoftomfoolerybutitsanswerisanythingbutThepersonwithwhomyouspendthemosttimemoment-inmoment-out(noneedtojotthisonedown)isyouThepointistranslucentwhenitcomestokindnessweoftenneglectthepersonwithwhomwespendallofourtime

Whyisthat

TheworldrsquosuniversalmessageistotreatotherskindlytoavoidcriticismandblametoimpartloveandunderstandingWersquoreencouragedtoextendourselvesonalloccasionstobestowcompassionandgenerosityonourfellowtravelersinhopes that theywill treat us in kind Sowhy pray tell dowe abandon thesepreceptswhendealingwithourselves

Youmayhaveheardthepopularmaxim

ldquoThepeoplewelovethemostaretheoneswecriticizethemostharshlyrdquo

TheadagereflectsourparadoxicalfamilylifebutitalsoappliestoourmostintimaterelationshiponewhichweoftenfailtocultivateandnurtureWhenwasthe last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled You smile atothers donrsquot youWhy not smile at yourselfWhy do we treat others morekindlythanourselves

ldquoKnowthatyouareyourgreatestenemybutalsoyourgreatestfriendrdquo

--JeremyTaylor

Rule1turnsacenturies-oldproverbintoamodern-dayadage

Dountoyourselfasyouwishforotherstodountoyou

Welongforothers to treatusgently toforgiveourmissteps tounderstandourfailingsandtoshoweruswithloveIfweaskthisofotherswhynotaskitofourselves

ldquoYouyourselfasmuchasanybodyintheentireuniversedeserveyourloveandaffectionrdquo

--Buddha

Lest we relegate self-criticism to the back shelf letrsquos acknowledge thatanimadversionhasitsplaceforaproperdoseofintrospectionandself-critiqueoftenleadsustoactresponsiblyButtakentoextremesself-criticismbecomesanaggingnegativeforcewhichoftenchipsaway(sometimeseatsaway)atourself-confidenceandgoodnature

Rule1carriesagentlemessage--whendealingwithyoubekind tendercompassionate patient thoughtful caring and loving Rule 1 says to treat

yourself as you would a close friend -- by listening with compassion byacceptingmistakesbybeingacalmvoiceinatroubledseaandbyusingwordsthatsoothe(notcriticize)whenyoursquoreupset

So be kind to yourself And remember that the person to whom yoursquoredirectingthiskindnesswillappreciateitGuaranteed

Challenge1ATreatYourself

WhywaitforyourbirthdayItseemsfashionableoflatetomakegiftlists for every occasion not just birthdays Why not create one of yourown

Gillian Butler amp Tony Hope authors of ldquoManaging Your MindrdquomaintainthatldquogivingyourselftreatsisaskillthatneedstobedevelopedrdquoThefirststepldquoTogiveyourselfpermissiontohavetreatsrdquoButlerampHopeexplain ldquoTreats bring pleasure and pleasure is worth having purelybecauseitmakesyoufeelgoodButtreatingyourselfwillalsoenableyouto accomplishmore and enable you to change inways that are right foryourdquo

Theyaddldquo Thewonderful thingabout treats is that theycangivepleasurewellbeyondwhatwouldseempossibleThesecretistochoosetheright treats for you Once we are grown-up life can become so full ofchores both at home and atwork that it is easy to get bogged down inroutineandforgetpleasureItiswhenlifersquosproblemsaregettingontopofyouthatitbecomesparticularlyimportanttorewardyourselfrdquo

YourTwo-StepChallenge

Step1MakealistofthingsthatyouenjoyandStep2Refertothelistasoftenaspossible(forexamplesseeAppendixA)Andherearetwohintstoguideyou

a)Thelongerthelistthebetterandb) Remember to include treats both large (taking a vacation) and

small(egspendingafewextraminutesoverbreakfast)

SeeAppendixAforwaystotreatyourself(p189)

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsDoyoutreatyourselfkindly

ldquoDonrsquotyouthink[treatingourselveskindly]evolveswithage(likeallothergoodthings)Itrulybelievethatwe gain somuchwisdom through experience and it becomes easier each day to practicewhatwepreachtakeonedayatatimeviewlifeasshortetcetcAllthoseclichesthatIheardasachildsuddenlytakeonnewmeaningMyguessisthatnooneofusisaskindtoourselvesaswearetoothersalthoughIrsquollbet(andhope)manyofusarealotkinderthanweusedtoberdquo--MarleyC

ldquoIhaveknown[howimportantitistotreatmyselfnicely]andhavepreachedthattoothersforyearsWhy is it that I have so much trouble doing it myself The old saw is true lsquoPhysician heal thyselfrsquo[Treatingoneselfwellis]somethingtoworkforinsteadofgoingcomplacentlythroughliferdquo--NatE

ldquoItrsquosatoughquestionLatelytherehasbeenalotofactivityinourlivesandwejustarenrsquotgettingyounger I believe we are just as critical of ourselves as always However speaking for myself I findmyselfrealizingthatIhavedonemybestandlettingmyselfgetoffalittleeasierthaninmyyoungerdaysIntheolddaysIwouldworkuntilthejobwasfinishedinaccordancewithmyownhighpersonalstandardsTodayIwillpushmyselfhoweverwhenIstartfeelingthewearandtearIevaluatewhereIamandtakethetimetogetthebatteriesrechargedSomeoldmilitaryexpressionsthatdescribethisfeelingare

lsquoFoughtandlivedtofightanotherdayDiscretionisthebetterpartofvalorrsquo

ldquoSoinsummaryItreatmyselfwithalittlemorekindnesssoIcanreturnandgetbackinthefraythenextdayTorevertbacktotheolddayswouldbedetrimentaltoonersquoshealthTakingatimeoutisnrsquotbaditrsquossortoftreatingyourselftokindnessPerhapsitrsquosasignofoldagebutIhavelearnedtoappreciatethesimpler thingsof life such as a dinner at homewith all of the familymembers in attendance attending

churchservicesasafamilydininginordiningoutwithsomegoodfriendsspendingadaywithsomeoldfriendstodiscusslifeingeneralrdquo--DaveR

LovingYourselfldquoIf you arenrsquot goodat loving yourself youwill have a difficult timeloving anyone since yoursquoll resent the time and energy you giveanotherpersonthatyouarenrsquotevengivingtoyourselfrdquo

--BarbaraDeAngelis

Rule2

HaveFunAnytimeAnywhere

ldquoNowandthenitrsquosgoodtopauseinourpursuitofhappinessandjustbehappyrdquo

--GuillaumeApollinaire

Whodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

The question brings to mind a memorable line from The Four Seasons amovie in which old friends bid to re-connect Following a tense moment ofrelational frictionCarolBurnett turns toher friendsandasksldquoArewehavingfunyetrdquo

ldquoFunisagoodthingbutonlywhenitspoilsnothingbetterrdquo

--GeorgeSantayana

ThequestionthoughplayfulcarriesananswerofconsiderableconsequenceforhowisitthatweachievefunWhodecideswhenwersquorehavingitAndmoreimportantlyhowdoesoneacquireit

Firstandforemost itrsquos important toembracethenotionthathavingfunisaskillone thatwecanbothcultivateandnourishSomeofcoursebelieve thatthe skill is innate but I beg to differ Having fun is no different thanhandwritingwebdesignhopscotchorgolf theyrsquoreallworthdeveloping (yesevenhopscotch)Buthow

Challenge1WhereDoesFunLive

Our first challenge is to findoutwhere fun livesBasedon lifersquosunwrittenrules fun is reserved for special places (eg beaches theaters golf coursesamusement parks and restaurants) and special occasions (eg weddingsbirthdaypartiesandvacations)

WhatdoesyourfunprofilelooklikeWheredoyouexperiencethemostfunChances are that your fun profile will reveal consistent patterns of peopleplaces and activities The trick of course is to find ways to expand youruniversetonewvenues--egwaitingintrafficcleaningoutthegaragepayingthebillsordoinghomework

ldquoPeoplearegoingtobemostcreativeandproductivewhentheyrsquoredoingsomethingtheyrsquorereallyinterestedinSohavingfunisnrsquotanoutrageousideaatallItrsquosaverysensibleonerdquo

--JohnSculley

Imagine just for a moment if you were capable of having fun anywhereanytimenomatterthetask

Yoursquore laughingnowIcanhearyouYoursquore thinkinghowabsurd to thinkthatfixingaflatwaitinginlineortalkingtoatelemarketeratdinnertimecanbeenjoyable Perhaps But if you take amoment to examine the concept yoursquollsoonseethepossibilities

Challenge2WhoDecidesWhenYoursquoreHavingFun

LogicwoulddictatethatyouandyoualoneareincontrolthatyoumakethecallDonrsquot bedeceivedThe externalworld -- the institutions that speak tousand thepeoplewhocontrol them --plays amajor role in shapingourviewofldquofunrdquoCaseinpointHollywoodAndafterawhileitrsquossafetoassumethatourinternalthoughtsbegintoconformtothesenotions

HowthendowefightthewaveHerersquosoneapproach

Step1ObserveYourFZs

Beginbyexploringyourfunzones(FZs)thatistheactivitiesandplacesthatyou associate with fun The key is to observe your thought patterns becausethoughtsnotplacesarewhatcreatetheldquofunrdquoexperience

Step2Understand

Itrsquos important to remember that changing onersquos thought habits can be bothdifficultandfrustratingsopatienceisinorderThekeytoanypersonalchangeis observation awareness and perspective But it takes time So be kind toyourself(Rule1)andpatientwithyourprogressDonrsquotdemandtoomuch

ldquoEventheworstofjobshastheirpleasuresifIwereagravediggerorahangmentherearesomepeopleIcouldworkforwithagreatdealofenjoymentrdquo

--DouglasWilliamJerrold

Step3TheGrandThoughtExperiment

Nowthefunpart--theGrandThoughtExperimentThenexttimeyoursquoreinaUFZ (Unauthorized Fun Zone) be it a fixed thought track or an undesirableplacetrytomoveyourthoughtseversogentlyinapositivedirection

UFZs surround us Each day we encounter traffic jams hostile bossescheckout lines family conflicts household chores and disgruntled workassociatesAndalltoooftenwhenweenteraUFZwetriggerthesameseriesofnegativethoughtsnegativeimpressionsInsodoingwemissanopportunitytore-program

Herersquosoneofmyfavoriteexamples

Itrsquos moving day and yoursquore thoroughly exhausted from weeks ofpreparation and transition The moving crew is pulling out after fourgrueling hours of unloading Boxes are everywhere Stress level andpersonalfatiguehavereachedepicproportions

Thephoneringsandyoursister-in-lawasksyouhowyoursquoreholdingupMoments lateryouutter thoseunmistakablewords --ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquo

Themessage thoughsubtle isclearwhen theboxesareawaywhenthekitchendrawersarelinedwhenthedrapesareupwhenthegarageisorganizedwhentheworkbenchisreadyforuseTHENIrsquollbehappyAndnotamomentsooner

ThetelltalephraseofcourseisldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

WaitinginanIllusion

Hardaswetrytoenjoythemomentwersquoreforeverwaitingtoenjoyourselveswaiting tohave funwaiting tocomplete theperceiveddrudgery toexperiencethatldquohappymomentrdquosomewheredowntheline

ldquoPeoplerarelysucceedunlesstheyhavefuninwhattheyaredoingrdquo

--DaleCarnegie

DonrsquotwaitWaitingisanillusion

Imagine that yoursquore on your way home after a long day Suddenly itrsquosbumper to bumper traffic and that happymoment that yoursquove dreamt about isslipping away The point is transparent -- yoursquore free to enjoy themoment athandTherersquosnoneedtowait

OrsayyoursquorehomeanxioustocurluponthecouchwithagoodbookwhenyourememberthechoresthatawaitSoyouthinkldquoAhhhoncethosechoresarefinishedthenIrsquollbehappyrdquo

DonrsquotwaitDonrsquotwaittobehappy

WespendanenormouspartofourmentalliveswaitingtobehappywaitingforthathappymomentWhatrsquossostrangeisthatmanyofthesehappymomentsnevermaterializeandwhentheydotheyoftendisappointSodonrsquotwait

InsteadstartturningUFZsintoFZsAndremember

diamsItrsquospossibletobeginenjoyingyournewhomefromthemomentyoustepinside

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymowingthelawnfixingtheshelfandrepairingtheleakinthefaucet

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy making a late-night run to the market even ifyoursquoretiredandcrankyandarereadyforbed

ldquoTheultimategoalofamoreeffectiveandefficientlifeistoprovideyouwithenoughtimetoenjoysomeofitrdquo

--MichaelLeboeuf

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoypreparingforamajorpresentationorgoingtoyourannualphysical

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymulchingtheyardhoweverintentyoumightbeonplantingthenewflowersand

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy thewriting process evenwhen yoursquore endlesslystuckinmentaltraffic

So the next time you find yourself annoyed frustrated disappointed ordisillusionedthinkfun

YoucanmakeithappenAnytimeAnyplace

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIshavingfunaskillIfsoisitnaturallyacquired

ldquoIthinkitisaskillandIstronglysuspectthatitisnaturallyacquiredbysomeanddevelopedbyothersThinkingaboutitinthesetermsforthefirsttimeitseemsandIsuredohopethatbypayingattentiontoonersquospatternsonesurely[can]learnhowtoimproveontheirabilitytohavefunWhywouldnrsquotitbelikeotherbehaviormodificationrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoItrsquosnotaskillbutmoreanintrinsicnaturallygivenabilitythatsomeareblessed[with]SayingthatIdo believewe are able to determine our destiny as to livingbeing in the lsquotimersquo of lsquofunrsquo ormaking thatchoicerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIbelievethatonecanlearntohavefunmorefunifonecangetintouchwithinternalbarrierstosuchenjoymentSometimesittakesexternalhelptoidentifydealwiththebarriersrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIbelieveweallhavethecapacityforfunbutvaryinouropportunityandability(skill)tohavefunIthinktherearemanywaystohavefunandthisvariesfrompersontopersonThereisthefunthatyouhavebecauseyouenjoyanactivityandaresocaughtupinityoudonrsquotrealizehowmuchfunyouarehavingThishasmoretodowithcapacityandopportunityTheotherkindoffunisbeingabletoenjoywhatyouhavetodoandthisIthinkcanbemoreofanattitudeorskillwhichcanbedevelopedovertimeThisiswhereIthinkyour21rulesstarttocomeinsuchasbeingmindfulandbeingabletostepbacktoseetheabsurdrdquo--KarinU

ldquoHaving fun is a naturally acquired state one enters into Fun is individual People have fun in verydifferentwaysEventheseriouspersonmayhavefunbeingseriousFunisdynamicchangingthroughlifeThingsoneusedtohavefundoingmaynotbefunanymoreandotherthingsarenowfunOnceonehasidentifiedwhatisfuntothemonecanimprovetheirabilitytoincreasethelevelorintensityofthefuntheyhave(thatpartmaybeaskill)atanactivityrdquo--VickiH

ldquoHmmmSomefolksdoseemtohavemorefacilityforitoraremoreopentotheexperiencelsquoFunrsquoisintheeyeofthebeholderInnatelycuriouspeopleandthosewholaughoftenseemtofindfuninmanythingsThesearealsooftenthepeoplewhoareseldomboredastheirmindscanbeengagedbyvirtuallyanythingDoesthismeantheyhavealsquoricherrsquobrainscapeItwouldseemthatyoucouldshapefunskillsbyexposingthoselessadepttonon-threateningfunenvironmentsandhelpingthemgivethemselvespermissiontohavemorefunrdquo--JoelR

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIfhavingfunisaskillwhatrsquosyourskilllevelAnd

whatwasit10yearsago

ldquoSkill assessment presently is 90 Ten years ago fun at least for me was more dependent onsituations company demands of time money availability and other external influences I was moreconcernedwithhow tohave fun thanwhat reallywas funAgehasgivenmemaybea little insightandwisdomandhasmademeappreciatethatfunisarelativelysimpleconceptItdoesnotrequireplanningmoneysuccessdemandssituationsorequipmentItrequiresonlythedesiretoexperienceitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoPart I 70 (having fun is a highpriority tome this could explainwhy I have chosen to lsquoplayrsquo for aliving)

ldquoPart II 80 -90Definitely itwashigher10years agoWhyMore responsibilities inbothworkandhome lifeAlso less energy (no I am not getting older) to do the crazy fun thing I used to do and tomaintainthelonghoursdoingfunthingsorsqueezinginasmuchfunstuffasIcouldrdquo--VickiH

ldquoIfIamunderlowstressIcanhavefundoingalmostanythingProbablythesame10yearsagoIfstressgoesupmyabilitytohavefundiminishesrdquo--CarlE

ldquoPart125skillfulathavingfunoneveryendeavorIfinditmoredifficultasIgetolder(whyisthat)YouthiswastedontheyoungOrisitthatmymemoryisselectiveandIseemtoonlyrememberthefunineverythingbackwhenIwasyounger

ldquoPartII--Iwouldsaythat10yearsagomyskilllevelwasmoreatthe35levelrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoMyskilllevelforhavingfuntodayiscertainlyhigherthanitwas10yearsagoButIthinkthisislikethewaterlevelintheriveritgoesupanddowndependingonlsquotheweatherrsquoSomedaysmyskilllevelisreallyhighOthersitrsquosmuchlower(YoursquollnoticeIavoidedtheextendedsimilebyavoidingtheuseofthetermldquodrierrdquo)

ldquoOnaverageIgavemyself lesspermissiontohavefun10yearsagoNowIsometimes lookforFunZonesbyorderingdessertfirst

ldquoIfIweretochartitIrsquodsaytheskillofhavingfunisalineofeverincreasingslopeliketheDow-JonesaveragesItisnotquantifiableasinsettingaspecificvalue(lsquoAllsixyearoldsneedtoreacha17rsquo)Itisrelative The same scene the same lsquofunrsquo experienced by two individuals will bring about two differentreadingsonlsquothefunscalersquoInchildhoodfunisafunctionofsocialsettingandfeelingsecureAtoddlerrsquossquealswill turn tohowls in thepresenceofa strangerAtpuberty the slope increasesagainwith someveryhighspikesThenuponlsquojobacquisitionrsquotheslopelevelsoutagainbutstillincreases(NoteJobacquisitionfollowsfraternitysororityyearsthelastseriousspikesformostofus)Middleagebringsmoreupsandmoredowns(Menopausecangoeitherwaydependingonyourpointofview)FinallymaturitysettlesinThisiswhenyouaresecureenoughtohavefunwheneveryoufeel likeit Finalword theonlythingthatpreventsusfromhavingfunistheweightofthebagoflsquoshouldsrsquowecarryonourshoulders--NatE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

ldquoThisisadifficultquestiontoponderFunasanindividualwouldmeantheindividualwouldbetheonlyonewhocoulddecideifhesheishavinglsquofunrsquo

ldquo Alsodoessocietydictatewhat islsquofunrsquoandnotfunSomesocietiesfindfunin thingswewouldfindalarminganddangerouswhereaswhatwedeemasfuntheymightfindstrangerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIs having fun -- enjoyingmyself I can truly enjoy what I am observing in others -- students in aclassroompeoplehelpingeachotheragreatsoccerbasketballorbaseballmomentetcIamhavingfunatthesemomentsandallIrsquomdoingisobservingothers

ldquoSoooooowhenever Imight say lsquoI enjoyed thatrsquo Iguess I amhaving funanddetermining itmyselfWhen I amwith others and everyone is laughing and being fresh to each other othersmay think I amhavingfunbecauseIamrelaxingandshowingasideofmethatIdonrsquotoftenhavetimetolsquoletoutrsquoIamprobablyNOTenjoyingthosemomentsbutothersperceivemeashavingfunGofigureIdohavefunteasingotherssowhenIamin thecompanyofmybrothermybabysistermystudentsoryou I reallyhavefunrdquo--GailC

ldquoIt depends Sometimes I decide in the midst of something that it is really fun sometimes theanticipationofanactivitybythegroup[Irsquomwith]foreshadowsaneventasfun

ldquoTherecertainlyarebeliefsbysocietyatlargeastowhatisfunForexampletakethebeachIfyoutelljustaboutanyonethatyouaregoingtothebeachtheireyeswilllightupandtheywillthinkyoursquoreluckytobegoingtothebeachtohavelsquofunrsquoYoumightnotbeveryexcitedinsomecaseslikeifyouaregoingwithpeopleyoudonrsquotwanttobewithorifyoursquoregoingtoabeachthatyoudonrsquotparticularlylike

ldquoHopefullyyoursquollhavemorecontroloveryourlifethanthisoryoursquollbeabletogoagainsoonundermorepleasantcircumstancesLotsoffactorsgointolsquofunrsquoandIagreethatfunisoftendefinedbysocietyUnlessofcourseapersonisbrutallyhonestandadmitsthatheshedoesnrsquotexpecttohavefunButinmyexperiencemostpeopleliketoportraytheirsparetimeasfilledwithfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoHowcanthedecisionofwhetherornotoneishavingfunexistwithanyonebuttheindividualindesigningyourownenvironmentevencleaningthehousecanbefunREALLYitjustdependsonhowyougoaboutlookingatyourenvironmentIfyouconstantlyperceivelifeasaseriesofchallengeswithnoopportunityforenjoymentthenfunisnotgoingtobeaningredientofeverydaylifeFuniswhatonemakesofasituationrdquo--KathyD

ldquoIdecidewhenIamnothavingfunItusuallyisnrsquotuntillaterthatIrealizethatIhadagoodtimeIfIrsquomtalkingwithintelligentpeopleIamusuallyhavingfunrdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhatpreventsusfromhavingfun

ldquoIampreventedfromhavingfunwhenIhavetoomanythingstodoIloveitwhenthekidstellmetolsquolightenuprsquoorlsquochillrsquoMyauntalwaysusedtosaylsquoDonrsquotworryaboutthedirtinthehouseItwillbetherein20yearsTake time toenjoyyour childrenrsquo Ineed to remember thatmoreoften in regards to lotsofthingsrdquo--GailC

ldquoIwishIknewThereinliesthecruxoftrulybeinglsquohappyrsquoinonersquoslifeItrsquosnotthatIrsquomunhappydoingmundanechoresInfactIsortofgetabitofpleasurewiththembecausetheykeepmymindoffofotherthingsItrsquosgettingtothemthatsometimesisthelsquotestrsquoBecasuewedonotlikenecessarilythelsquothoughtofrsquodoing thesechorestaskswe tend toput themoffbutoncewersquore into themandaccomplish them I findmyselffeelinglsquogoodrsquoaboutacheivingthetaskorgettingitoverwithAndtherearesomanyoftheselittlesillytasksjobsthingsthatweputoffcleaningthegasgrillpaintingthetrimcuttingthegrassetcrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoThebaggagewecarrypreventsusfromorallowsustohavefunExhaustionhungerpovertyweatherconditionsetccanpreventusfromhavingfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAprivatewascleaningtheflooraroundaconferencetableasthreeofficersdiscussedsexTheCaptainsaidlsquoIthinksexis90pleasureand10workrsquoTheMajorsaidlsquoIthinksexis50pleasureand50workrsquoAndtheGeneralsuggestedthatlsquoSexis90workand10pleasurersquoUnabletoagreetheyturnedtotheprivateandaskedhisviewRepliedtheprivatelsquoIftherewereanyworkinitatallyoursquodhavemedoingitforyoursquoWhateveritisyouwouldnotwanttheprivatetodoforyouhastobeaplusonthefunsiderdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWheredoesfunlive

ldquoFun liveseverywhere exceptKosovoWhereverpeoplecan reflect and laughat themselvesor lifersquosabsurditiesyouhavefunIfithurtsitainrsquotfunPatchAdamshadtheknackforconversionrdquo--CarlE

ldquoFunliveseverywhereanywhereFuniswhatonemakesittobeItisenjoymentoflifeandonersquosparticipationinlifeFuncannotbeobserveditmustbeexperiencedItistheabilitytoappreciatethefactthatwearealiveandwecanmakechoicesFuniswhatitismadetoberdquo--KathyD

ldquoThatreallydependsonwhoyoutalktoandwhenFunformecanbeinmyhouseinfrontofthefirewithabookandsometimeILOVETHATIknowpeoplewhocanrsquotstandtobealonewithoutoneplan

afteranotherFunlivesintheeyesofthebeholderrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAquickthoughtonfun I try tohavefunwithwhateverIdobutI insistonhavingfunwithanyleisuretimeactivitiesortofurtherdefineitnon-workorresponsibilityrelatedIfIamvolunteeringdoingcross-stitch or reading a book I want it to be fun But I donrsquot necessarily define fun as the laughingsquealingkindof activity [instead] I define it as something thatgivesmepleasureAnd Irsquoll try to findpleasure in themundaneeitherby losingmyself inmy thoughts (whichareprobably70present30past)orappreciatingthesimpleactofaccomplishment

ldquoMy friends and family always grumble because I insist on frequently using my good bone chinadinnerwareandsterlingTheyobjectbecauseitmustbewashedanddriedbyhandIhavealwayssaidthatIgetasmuchpleasurefromthesimpleactofwashinganddryingitasIdofromusingitItrsquosbeautifulIloveitand Iwould ratherwashanddry it than let it situnusedandunappreciated inaclosedchinacabinetMaybethisisnrsquoteveryonersquosideaoffunbutitfloatsmyboatrdquo--VickiS

ldquoJollityItrsquosaframeofmindSomepeoplehavefundoingthemostridiculousthingsAndnooneelseseemstohavethesameamountoffununlesstheyaredoinglsquoitrsquowiththefirstpersonrdquo--NatE

Rule3

WorkHard

ldquoWhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoftenthingsIdidwerefailuresIdidnrsquotwanttobeafailureso

Ididtentimesmoreworkrdquo--GeorgeBernardShaw

Chances are if I had composed a list of rules a decade ago ldquowork hardrdquomightnothavecrackedthetop20nolessthetop5Butwitheachpassingdaywitheachnewlifeexperienceitrsquosclearthatworkinghardisthekey--tonearlyeverything Whether yoursquore building a relationship or building a reputationworkinghardistheoneingredientyoucanrsquotaffordtoleaveout

ldquoLazinessmayappearattractivebutworkgivessatisfactionrdquo

--AnneFrank

Not that we stop searching for alternatives Letrsquos be honest wersquore foreverlookingforshortcutswaystoreachourgoalsinlesstimewithlesseffortButastimeandexperienceteachustheretrulyisnosuchthingasafreelunch

Nottosaythatcertainshortcutsdonrsquotdeliver--ATMsfreeusfromlongbanklines and computers free us from retypingourmanuscripts on typewriters and we certainly enjoy remote controls ice makers fast tolls electric canopenersande-mail--eachdesignedtosaveuspreciousmoments

ButtoaccomplishgoalsofsubstancetodeveloprelationshipsthatlasttherearenoshortcutsStillwepursuethemaffirmingthatwedoindeedbelieveinmagic

ldquoNoonecanarrivefrombeingtalentedaloneGodgivestalentworktransformstalentintogeniusrdquo

--AnnaPavlova

If youwatch television long enough or read the dayrsquos news orwatch thefrenzied pace in the corporate world itrsquos hard not to believe that lifersquospenultimate goals are productivity and efficiency The worldrsquos marketingengines drill the message home every day -- if you buy this new softwarepackage thisnewcuttingappliance thisnew31drillkit thenyoursquollnotonlysavetimebutyoursquollbemoreproductiveThemessagegetsstuckinourpsycheandafterhearingthemessageforsay thezillionth timeweactuallybegin tobelieveit

ldquoSuccessfulpeoplearenotgiftedtheyjustworkhardthensucceedonpurposerdquo

--GKNielson

TurntheTideTaketheLongCut

WespendexorbitantamountsoftimepursuingshortcutstomanageourtasksFightbackFacedwithachoicetrythelongcut--whenyoursquoreslicingonionstry using the knife in place of the electric slicer However appealing yourshortcutsmaybeafewmillisecondshereandtherewonrsquotearnyoumuchThetruthisshortcutsareoneoflifersquosmostvisibleillusions

For years I dreamed of having a beautiful garden where flowers bloomedeach month as the seasons passed I chose the shortcut -- I bought a fewperennialsinstalledanundergroundwateringsystemandwaitedfortheflowerstoappearSillymethinkingthatagardenwouldgrowbyitselfNoweachdaythatIworkinthegardenIrecallthesesimplewords

Ifyouwanttohaveagardenyouhavetohaveagardener

Inotherwords ifyouwant tocreateproductsofsubstanceyouhave todotheworkNoshortcutsnoend-aroundsnomagic

AttentionAllMountainClimbers

When it comes to working hard I often recall a phrase composed by ourdaughterNataliesomeyearsagoShewroteldquoYouhavetoclimbthemountains

beforeyoucanwalktheplainsrdquoSostraponyourbootsandremember

diams When you and your spouse are clashing over money work hard tounderstandyourspousersquospointofview

diamsWhen you and your child are struggling over homework and curfewsworkhardtounderstandhowtheyfeelandwhytheystruggle

ldquoIfthepowertodohardworkisnotaskillitrsquosthebestpossiblesubstituteforitrdquo

--JamesAGarfield

diamsWhenyoursquorepreparingapresentationorcleaningoutmemorabiliathathas been sealed for years work hard to overcome the mental hurdlesRemindyourselfthattheharderyouworkthemoreyouwillgrow

diamsWhenyourbossisbeingunreasonablethebasementneedsanewpaintjobthenewbusinessisnrsquottakingoffthewaythatyouhadhopedorthethecarbreaksdownagain

WorkHard

DonrsquotshyawaydonrsquotwithdrawdonrsquotwithholdyourbestforfearoffailingSimplyworkhardandknowthattheskillyoursquoreimprovingisoneoflifersquosmostprecioustreasures

Rule 3 brings tomind a classic line delivered by TomCruise in the 1983movieRisky Business Commenting on his awe-inspiring vehicle Cruise saidldquoPorschetherersquosnosubstituterdquo

SoitiswithhardworkThereisnosubstitute

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

Theauthoraskedhisfriends

Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

ldquoThisisoneofmyall-timefavoritequestionsIbetthatourlifehereonearthwillbeultimatelyjudgednotbyhowsuccessfulwewerecomparedtoothersbuthowwellweusedthetools(talentsandabilities)Godgaveus

ldquoEveryoneisdifferentandthatrsquoswhatmakestheworldaninterestingplaceJuststandonabusystreetcornersitinachairatthemalleatamealinacrowdedcafeteriasitinthestandsataprofessionalorhighschoolsportingeventormyfavoriteplacetowatchpeoplewasdownontheinfieldofahorseracingtrackinNewYorkOrbetteryetwatchpeopleatthebeach

ldquoIimaginethesecondquestionwhenweapproachthepearlygateswillbelsquoHowwelldidwesharethetalents and giftswe hadwith others less fortunatersquoDidwe show genuine concern for othersAnotherquestionwouldbelsquoHowwelldidwetrain(mentor)youngergenerationswithregardstousingtheirtalentsandbeingconcernedforothersrsquo rdquo--DaveR

ldquoMypersonal learnedexperience is that tobegin togetgoodatanything inmy lifehas requiredhardwork and dedication Itrsquos truewhether vocational avocational spiritual relationship-based or just aboutanythingelseIcanthinkof

ldquoAsanadditionalobservationthosewhoadmiretheachievementsofothersfrequentlyoverestimatethevalueofsomeoneelsersquoslsquonaturalabilityrsquoandunderestimatetheworktheyputintoexcelrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoIthinkthatitrsquosterriblyimportanttolsquoworkhardrsquoandIthinkthatmanyofthefeelingsthatpeoplehaveoftheirlifebeinglsquosuccessfulrsquocomefromthesenseofaccomplishmentthatresultsofhardwork

ldquoFormemyfeelingsaboutwhoIamasapersonarestronglytiedupwithlsquowhatIhaveaccomplishedrsquoandwhatIhaveaccomplishedisusuallydirectlytiedupwiththeworkIputintoprojects

ldquoIthinkthatanimportantquestionrelatedtothisishowtobalancelsquohardworkrsquoagainsttherestofwhatlifehastooffersothattheworkdoesnotbecomeanoverridingconsumingpassionrdquo--IleneF

ldquoInmyexperienceitiscriticaltoworkhardinlifeOnlythenwhenwehaveinvestedourselvesdowecelebrateoursuccessThings thatcomeeasilyarenotcelebratedin thesamewayweoftenwonderwhythey even happened I guess itrsquos the old external vs internal locus of controlDid I dowell on the testbecauseIstudiedorbecauseIluckedoutanditwaseasy

ldquoWetakeprideinwhatweworkhardatWereflectasweareworkingandprobablyreviserechargeand forge aheadWe all need a payoff for hard work when we get it (tangible or intangible) we feelsuccessful

ldquoI associate the phrase with all aspects of life -- not just lsquoworkrsquo in the classic sense Naturally weassociatelsquoworkinghardrsquowithlsquoworkrsquothatisourdaytimeactivitiesButcertainlywelsquoworkrsquoallthetime--totakecareofourfriendsandourfamilytomeetobligationsthatcomewithbeingaresponsiblememberofthehumanraceThusmyinterestinthetermlsquoworkinghardrsquohasasmuchtodowithwhatwedoatnightandontheweekendsasduringthedayrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoOneway tomeasurework is ergonomically (An erg is a unit ofwork done by one dyne through adistanceofonecentimeterAdyneistheamountofforcethatcausesamassofonegramtoaccelerateattherateofonecentimeterpersecondpersecond)Noneofthatisrelevantexcepttosaywecanmeasurework

ldquoIf you accept that premise perhaps youwill accept thatwork is akin to effortAnd there aremanyreasonstoexpendeffortItmaybeforremunerationorforrecreationThereasonweexpendeffortmaybetopleaseothersortopleaseourselvesOritmaybeforsomeunseenbutanticipatedfuturerewardAtanyrateIthinkthereisarewardintheresomeplaceElsewhyexpendtheeffort

ldquoHowimportantisittoworkhardItdependsononersquospointofviewItmayhavealottodowiththelens throughwhich one views theworldOr itmay have to dowith onersquosmood at themoment ThereweretimesinmylifewhenitalsohadtodowithhowmuchskillIhad

ldquoIsuspectthatlsquoworkingatsomethingrsquohastodowithrewardWewillobviouslyworkatthingsthatwillhavedirectimpactForexamplethesailoronasinkingboatwillworkhardatbailing

ldquoButforotherthingsI thinkonersquoswillingnesstoworkhardisrelatedtotheirabilitytoeithermakeaconnection to self (lsquoItrsquos important to mersquo) or to make a connection to someone or something that isimportant(lsquoItrsquosimportantto___thatImaketheeffortrsquo)Thereissomesortofpayoff

ldquoIdo think thereare thosewho lsquoworkhardrsquo seemingly forothersThere isnodirectpayoff for themTheyappear tobedoing things forothersMy theoryabovebegins todissolvehereand Idonrsquothaveanexplanation

ldquoWellIhaveprogressedfromPhysicstoPhilosophyallinabout350wordsItrsquostimephormetoendthisphoolishnessandgetsomeworkdoneBecauseitispersonallysatisfying AndIwanttogetpaidrdquo--NatE

ldquoItisparamountIamsurroundedbysuccessfulpeoplewhohavesoldtheircompaniesorretiredTheycrave work The desire to apply oneself in a productive endeavor seems to have a biological driver Itappearstobemorethanameredesiretobeneededrdquo--CarlE

ldquoYouhavehitonanerve(atleastinmycase)GrowingupasIdidinatruelsquobluecollarrsquohomeweweretaught(whatseemsinrecollection)fromthecribthatlsquoworkinghardwillgetyoueverythingyouwantinlifersquoorlsquoworkinghardistheonlywaytosucceedrsquoAndohsomanyotheridioms

ldquoFunny how the word lsquoabilityrsquo was seldom if ever used (at least in our household) in relation todiscussionaboutlsquoworkrsquoorlsquoworkinghardrsquoYetinlookingbackworkinghardwashelpfulinmanymanyinstanceswherewewereluckyenoughtosucceedinschoolourjobsourrelationshipsandinevenlifeingeneral

ldquoBut is it just as critical to have been blessedwith the lsquoabilityrsquo to (a)make correct decisions (b) torationalizeanddecipherinformation(c)tolearnorgrowfromoureducationampevenourlifersquosexperiences(d)toretainandrememberinformation(e)tobeabletocommunicatewellandatthesametimeperhapsevenmoreciriticallylsquolistenwellrsquo(f)tohavefun(yesIbelievesomearemoreblessedlsquowiththeabilitytodojustthat--lsquohavefunrsquowhereassomeofusjustseemtolosethislsquoabilityrsquosomewhereontheroadtolife)

ldquoSee I told you it hit a hot spotMay I go on Is it lsquofatersquo or lsquokarmarsquo or just plain lsquoluckrsquowhen onebecomessuccessfulorwasitaproductoflsquohardworkrsquoOrwasitasItendtobelieveararecombinationofbothonersquosfatecombinedwiththeirlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquothatdeliveredsuchsuccessArewenotalltoagreatdegreea lsquoproductofourenvironmentandeducationalprocessrsquoAnd Imean lsquoenvironmentrsquomorefromthe[perspective]oflsquofamilyrsquofirstandthentolsquopeersandschoolingrsquo

ldquoWhyisitthatmoreoftenthannotafamilywillhaveeitherparent(orparents)beingdoctorsandthentheir subsequent children and childrenrsquos children becomedoctors down the line It has tobemore thanlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquoNo

ldquoI once read an article about a couple [who] adopted two infants from a inner citymother ThiscouplewasabletomovetoaremoteareaoutwestandasIrecallraisetheirtwoinfantsonsinanareawheretheyliterallyhadtolsquohomeschoolrsquothemuntilitwastimeforUniversity[Thekidstook]theirSATsscoredextremelyhighandwereacceptedtoYaleampPrinceton

ldquoGuesswhathappenedBothboyswhiledoingextremelywellinitiallyincollegeeventuallydevelopedproblems with their social skills [and] had difficulty later in their University years Eventually theygraduated andwent on in life but not without a tremendous amount of lsquohardworkrsquo at learning certainlsquoskillsrsquoweoftentakeforgrantedgrowingup

ldquoWere these two brilliant minds No doubt However their lsquoabilityrsquo to communicate was foundlackingTheybothhadtolsquoworkhardrsquotolearnthislsquoabilityrsquoBothasIrecallwentontobecomewelladjustedand[achievedsomemeasure]ofsuccessHowevermypointhereisthatlsquoabilityrsquoisnotalwaysasubstitueforlsquohardworkrsquoorlsquolifeingeneralrsquobutis[acriticalfactor]ingainingsuccessinourendeavorsrdquo-MickeyF

RulesforLivingWithYourself

Rule4

LiveinthePresent

ldquoLearnfromthepastsetvividdetailedgoalsforthefutureandliveintheonlymomentoftimeoverwhich

youhaveanycontrolnowrdquo--DenisWaitley

Daytodaywheredoyouspendmostofyourtime

InthepastThepresentOrthefuture

On any given day in any givenmoment our private thoughts flow swiftlyfromthepasttothepresenttothefuture--aharshwordfromyesterday(past)ismentallybrushedasideaswelistentoacolleague(present)thenwonderaboutwhetheritmightrainatthepicniconSunday(future)

ldquoYoumustliveinthepresentlaunchyourselfoneverywavefindyoureternityineachmomentrdquo

--HenryDavidThoreau

Mentalfitnessexpertslaudtheldquopresentrdquoandurgeustofocusourenergiesonthemoment -- on the personwithwhomwersquore conversing on the taskwersquorestrivingtoaccomplishontheskillwersquoreattemptingtoimproveonthedecisionthatwersquoreabouttomake

Themessage is simple themore focusedwe are on the present themorefulfilling life will be Instinctively we know that this is true because of howgooditfeelstobefullyengagedinthemoment--notbroodingaboutyesterdayorworryingabouttomorrow

WhatExactlyIsThePresent

StayinginthepresentmindyouisnrsquottobeconfusedwithtalkingaboutthepresentImaginewhatadauntingtaskthatwouldbeLetrsquosbehonestahealthychunk of human conversation involves sharing information about the past(ldquoWhat have you been up tordquo ldquoHow was your vacationrdquo) or the future(ldquoWersquoregoingtoaconcertnextweekrdquoorldquoTomorrowIplantostartlookingforanewjobrdquo)

Bycontraststayinginthepresent

means focusing onersquos private thoughts on the moment on the person oractivityinfrontofyou

ldquoYesterdayisacanceledchecktomorrowisapromissorynotetodayistheonlycashyouhavesospenditwiselyrdquo

--KayLyons

means listening to your friend share their daily struggles or your spouseshareherworriesaboutthefuture

means concentrating your energy on preparing the report fixing dinnerlisteningtoyourclient

Our ability to stay in the present of course is perpetually at riskAnd themostchallengingmomentsarethosewhenwersquorealoneWhenourthoughtsstartto drift we risk missing the spendlor of the fruit on aisle 3 the shape of aclipped branch the beautifully turned phrase the magnificent contour of thegreenonthe17thhole

Oftenwhen Irsquom driving I glance at the highest branch on a tree andmydaughterMelyssa says she toohasadopted thehabitThe idea suggested inapassageIreadsometimeago(Icanrsquotrecalltheauthor)forcesustolookoutsideofourdailyframetoseeanewwhatthismomentholds

Melyssa and I often wonder how such a simple change can have such adramaticeffectTheskywardgazealwaysremindsmeofapropheticmomentinthe ldquoDead Poets Societyrdquo when Robin Williams encourages his students tostandontheirdeskstoaltertheirstaticviewoftheworld

MinimizingThoughtDrift

Living in the presentmeans attending to the task at hand to the person oractivity before you It means minimizing thought drift in order to take fullpleasureinallthatliesbeforeyouLetrsquosbehonestwhenyourminddriftstothatawkward social encounter donrsquot you lose your ability to enjoy this currentmoment

We are thoughtful creatures alternatively worrying judging imaginingjustifying evaluating planning fantasizing problem-solving lamentingcreatingandscrutinizingInthemixingbowlofthoughtsitrsquosawonderthatwecankeepourattentionfocusedonanysingletaskforanymeaningfullengthoftimeYetattentioniskeyinourquestforfulfillmentandlifesatisfaction

ldquoFinisheachdaybeforeyoubeginthenextandinterposeasolidwallofsleepbetweenthetwoThisyoucannotdowithouttemperancerdquo

--RalphWaldoEmerson

Eachofuslearnsatourownpacethatthemoretimeweinvestinthepresent-- themore timewespend lookingat facesand flowers -- the richerour livesbecome

ItseemstritetosaybutwelivelifeinthepresentCertainlywelearnfromthepastandyesitseemsprudenttoplanforthefutureButinthefinalanalysisourlifejourneyiscomposedofacontinuousstringofldquopresentsrdquoandwhenourthoughtsdriftaheadorbackweloseapreciouspiece(orpeace)oflifersquospuzzle

Itrsquosbeensaidthatonein10000canconsistentlystayinthepresent

Mayyoubetheone

Challenge4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent

Whenyourthoughtsbegintodriftinwaysthatyoudefineasunhealthytrythesethreesimplesteps

Step1ExaminetheThought(E)AskyourselfamIdriftingtothepastorthefuture

Step2StoptheThought(S)Makeaconsciousdecisiontostopthethoughtsequence

Step3ReturntothePersonorTask(P)Makeaconsciousdecisiontorefocusyourthoughtsonthepersonwith

whomyoursquoretalkingontheactivityinwhichyouarecurrentlyengaged

Caution When employing E-S-P please donrsquot expect quick resultsChances are that the thought sequence you momentarily dismissed willsoon reappear cycling back into your conscious thought pattern DonrsquotdespairSimplyobservehowoftenandwithwhatintensityitreturns(itrsquosreasonable to imagine that our thoughts have a half-life -- much likenaturersquoschemicalcompounds--andthattheirpersistenceislinkedtotheiremotionalchargethusastimegoesonthechargelessensandthethoughtsequenceonceomnipotentbeginstoweaken)

The key to E-S-P Awareness and desire -- that is becoming moreawareofyourthoughtpatternsandexhibitingadesiretoalterthem

PlaguedbythoughtdriftTryE-S-PAlternativelytakemeaningfromthisbrilliantquoteonehousedonmyfriendrsquosansweringmachine(thanksJerry)

ldquoThePastisHistoryTheFutureisaMysteryThisMomentisaGiftThatiswhywecallitthePresentrdquo

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentvsthepast

vsthefuture

ldquo85presentwithlotsofpastandfastforwardingandthelsquopresentrsquoasthepausebuttoninbetweenrdquo--JoelR

ldquo45 Present 10 Past 45 Future Tome tomorrow is really the present itrsquos what I am alwayspreparing forSomypresent is reallymy future tooAs soon asyou are awareof thepresent itrsquos nolongerthepresentitrsquosthepastandyouareinthefuturerelativetoitrdquo--GailC

ldquoPast10(notworthmuchthoughtmoveonexperiencemore)Present50(canbegreatgoodneutral and terrible either way you are stuck with it) Present is what one has at hand that cannot bechangedreadilyiethejobyouhavethesignificantotherthehousethatneedspaintingallthosethingsoneplannedfor(ordidnrsquot)whenitldquowasrdquothefutureFuture40(thinkingofthefutureishowIkeepmysanityThefutureishowIdreamitupthewayIwantittobe)rdquo--VickiH

ldquoPresent30Past20Future50ThepresentiswhatyouareexperiencingatthatmomentYoursurroundingswhoyoursquorewithandwhatyoursquorethinkingrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoPresent50Past35Future15CanrsquotdefinethepresentinPTTbecauseyourPTscansometimesbesooverwhelmingthatyouthinkyouhavebeenthinkingforhoursanditrsquosjustbeenminutesandyoursquovetraveledallovertheplaceinyourmindYoursquovebeeninthepastpresentandfutureofyourmindinthattimeperiodrdquo--CaroleE

ldquo20Past40Present40Future(doesthismeanIamanoptimist)Whatoneisthinkingaboutinthepastisimportant--isitpleasantlyrelivingthepastorruminatingaboutmistakesorunpleasanteventsItendtoconnectthepresenttowhatmightbeaheadrdquo--MarleyC

HowoftendoyousayldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

ldquoAlwaysSometimestheanticipationisgreaterthantherealizationofsomethinganddoingthelsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquoaidsinimaginingwhatthatsomethingmightlooklikehowitwillgowhattheendresultmightbeItalsogivesmeagreatlifttoanordinarymundanelsquoconsistentrsquodayrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoNotoftenlsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquosuggeststhatallenjoymentsuccessfulfillmentetcloomssomewhereoverthehorizonIlikeNOW

ldquoThewholeconceptof lsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquo tomesuggests lsquotime freezersquo Ifwe livecontinually ina stateofanticipationwe fail tonotice theeventsof themomentSince there isneveraguaranteeofhappinessorsuccess or fun or anything else in the future (life is too serendipitous for that) then living in a state ofperpetual anticipation precludes having the opportunity to enjoy the present Looking backwards todeterminewhetherornotyouhavehadfunmayofferaclearviewoftheeventbuttheinternalenjoymentofthemomentisovershadowedbylsquothingsyettocomersquotheanticipationoflsquohavingfunrsquocannotcomparetheactualityofitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoWheneverIhaveanlsquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrsquomomentIimmediatelyruinitwiththenegativesthattagalong Icanrsquotwait togo toSanDiegofor8daysWill thedogbeOKin thecareof thekidsWill Ibestressedfromrelaxingetcrdquo--GailC

Wheredoyouspendyourmentaltime

ldquoHumanmomentsIspendabout10ofmytimemusing20thinking20conversing(moreduringtheschoolyear)20listening(40interactingwhichisacombinationofconversingandlistening)and30sleepingorbeingmindlessDreamsoverlapwiththeothercategories

ldquoIhadadebatewithastudentlastweekaboutwhetherornotthebraincandomorethanonethingatatimeWeagreed that thebrain can stimulatemore thanone activity at a time -- seeinghearing tastingtalkingetcallatonetime--butthebraincanonlybeawareofoneatatimerdquo--GailC

ldquoHumanMoments (not like a seniormoment right)Musing 5 conversing 40 thinking 30listening30interacting40acting(asindrama)25ofthe40conversingandthe40interactingAtleastthatmuchofthattimeisactingwhenIambitingmytonguenottotellsomeone(usuallyaclient)exactlywhatIthinkofwhattheyjustsaiddidorwhatIthinkoftheirlevelofintelligenceTherestofthetimeistherealme

ldquoI definitely prefer listening thinking observing over interactingwithmost people acting as inphysicallydoingsomething50to60 ThisanswercouldgoonforeverthemoreIthinkaboutit--soIwillspareyourdquo--VickiH

ldquoHardtoputnumberstoyourcategorieswithoutlotsofthoughtbutIrsquollgiveafirstguesstimatemusing4conversing12thinking20listening16interacting20sleeping28rdquo--AllanH

Rule5

FocusontheProcessNottheproduct

ldquoTakecareofyourminutesandthehourswilltakecareofthemselvesrdquo

--LordChesterfield

It may seem hard to believe but every moment of our lives -- yes everymoment -- is a confrontation between product and process Whether yoursquorepreparingdinnerorabusinessplanplanningaweddingoracorporatetakeoverleadinganeighborhoodfooddriveoracampaignagainst teenagedrinking itrsquosallaboutproductvsprocess

TheproductistheendthefinalstepTheprocessisthemeanstheroadthatleadsushome

TakefoodshoppingTheproductisthatgloriousmomentwhenthebagsareunpackedandthegroceriesareneatly tuckedawayBycontrast theprocess isongoing and entails creating the shopping list grabbing the reusable bagsdrivingtothesupermarketweighingthefruitcomparingcerealpriceschattingon the checkout line leafing through magazines paying the bill carting thegroceriesOKyougetthepicture

ldquoThegoodlifeisaprocessnotastateofbeingItisadirectionnotadestinationrdquo

--CarlRogers

Thepointiswhilewenaturallystrivetoachievetheproduct(bagsunpackedgoodsneatlystoredaway)wesometimesbecomesofixatedonreachingitthat

we fail to enjoy the process In so doing wemiss countless opportunities toenjoyeachstepofthejourney

ButwehaveachoiceThoughitmaynotbereadilyapparentwecanchoosetofocusontheprocesstoenjoyeachmomentnotjusttheendresultWhetherwersquore driving home a business deal or driving homeour daughter fromdanceclasswersquorefreetochoosewheretofocusourmind

WhereDoYouPlaceYourThoughts

Scenario1DinnerTimeItrsquosdinnertimeandtheproduct isthatlusciousmomentwhenyousitdown

with friends and family for a quiet relaxingdinner ready to enjoygood foodandconversationTheprocessofcoursebeganhoursearlierwhenyouchosethe menu bought the vegetables marinated the chicken boiled the watercookedtheangelhairpastapreparedthesauceseasonedthesalad

ldquoIfyoufocusonresultsyouwillneverchangeIfyoufocusonchangeyouwillgetresultsrdquo

--JackDixon

Scenario2HangingaBedroomShelfItrsquosSaturdayafternoonandyourdaughterbidsanhourofyourtimetohanga

bedroomshelf tohousetrinketsandsuchTheproduct is thatrarifiedmomentwhentheshelfisupperfectlylevelandfittostorethenick-nacksTheprocessthoughasimpleonehousesnumeroussteps--findingthetools(formeneveran easy task) measuring drilling inserting (the toggle bolts) leveling andadjusting(IknowIskippedafewstepsButheythisisnotmyforte)

Scenario3PlantingTulipsItrsquoslateOctober--primetimeforplantingtulipsintheyardTheproductis

crystallinetulipsnestledinthegroundwithalightdustingofmulchtoprotectthemoverthewinterTheprocessofcourseismulti-layered--choosingwhichbulbstoplantdeterminingthesizeofthearealayingouttheshapeofthebeddiggingitimprovingthesoilplantingthebulbsandcoveringthem

Attimeslikethese--preparingdinnerhangingashelfandplantingtulips--ourmind tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinkingabout theproduct that isabout finishingThenotion is that ifwemoveswiftly throughthesechoreswecanmoveontomoreenjoyabletasks

Rule 5 encourages us to enjoy seasoning the salad asmuch as eating it toenjoylevelingtheshelvesasmuchashangingthemtoenjoyselectingthebulbsasmuchasplantingthem

ldquoIfyousurrendercompletelytothemomentsastheypassyoulivemorerichlythosemomentsrdquo

--AnneMLindbergh

InshortRule5urgesustoslowdownandenjoythatwhichstandsbeforeusThink about it how many moments of your thought life have you beenpreoccupied with the outcome To fairly answer that question try askingyourselfthisone

ldquoWhen Irsquom engaged in an activity how much of the time am Ithinkingabout theproduct(ie finishingthe task)andhowmuchofthetimeamIsimplyenjoyingtheprocessrdquo

ldquoEnjoythejourneyenjoyeverymomentandquitworryingaboutwinningandlosingrdquo

--MattBiondi

ICanrsquotWait

Letrsquos face it we spend a fair piece of time doing things that we donrsquotaltogether enjoy Wersquore forever telling ourselves ldquoI canrsquot wait until itrsquosFriday itrsquos vacation time thepresentation is finished thebills arepaidthelaundryisfoldedthehouseiscleantheclassisoverthebedsaremadetheweedsaregonerdquoButthemoreobsessedwebecomewiththeproductthelesschancewehavetoenjoytheprocess

ThatrsquosnottosayweshouldforsakepursuingproductsIrsquomstronglyinfavorof settinggoals (seeRules18-20) andworkinghard to achieve them I love awell-craftedplantoscalemountainsLetrsquosfaceititfeelsgoodtocleanoffyourdesktoorganizethekitchentosendofftheproposal toarriveatthehotel toputdinneronthetable tomail inyour taxes to(finally)placethepictures inthephotoalbum

Challenge5A

InSearchoftheHappyMoment

ThinkbacktoyourlasttriphomefromtheofficeWhatwereyouthinkingabout

ChancesarethatyouspentaportionofyourtimethinkingabouttheproductthatisaboutthatldquoHappyMomentrdquo--themomentyouwalkthroughthedoorhangupyourcoatandopenthefridgeforaglassoficetea(orperhapssomethingstronger)AhhhhhhatlonglasttheldquoHappyMomentrdquohadarrived

DonrsquotbefooledldquoHappyMomentsrdquoareillusorybecausemoreoftenthannottheyturnouttobejust that--briefmoments in timethat tooquicklyareoverwhelmedbyaswirloffreshdemandsOnce in thekitchena stackofmail remindsyou that thebillsareoverdueanemptymilkcartonsignalsthattheshelvesarebareandsuddenlytheldquoHappyMomentrdquodissolvesintoaseriesofnewdemandsintoaseriesofnewproductsandprocesses

HerethenisthedilemmabywaitingfortheldquoHappyMomentrdquowewindupwaitingtobehappywe end up telling ourselveswhen that moment arrives THEN Irsquoll be happy and not a momentsooner

SopleasedonrsquotwaittobehappyBehappynowandknowthathappinesssurroundsus ifonlyweopenoureyes

But therersquosahugedifferencebetweenpursuingaproduct and focusingourmindrsquosthoughtsonthatproduct

ldquoOftenthesearchprovesmoreprofitablethanthegoalrdquo

--ELKonigsburg

Dailywearelulledintobelievingthat

Products=Happinessandthat

Process=Drudgery

Nonsense

DoyouknowanyonewhoenjoyscookingIlovetowatchbothmysister-in-law Carole and my brother-in-law Bruce take equal pleasure in the product(bringingdinner to the table)and theprocess -- selecting the recipegatheringthe ingredientscreating thesauce seasoning thepastaand themeatsand the

vegetablesLikemany talented chefsCarole andBrucehave learned to enjoytheprocessasmuchas(ifnotmorethan)theproduct

Thisthenisourchallenge--toenjoythemeansasmuchastheendtoacceptthenotionthattheprocessisnotjustaroadsignitrsquostheroad

WeallknowthatproductsbringuspleasureandrewardusininfinitewaysbutbecauseourthoughtsdeterminewhatkindoflifeweleadwemustfindwaystomorethoroughlyenjoytheprocessImagineifarunnerexperiencedthesamejoyintakingastrideasincrossingthefinishline

ldquoPassiondoesnrsquotlookbeyondthemomentofitsexistencerdquo

--ChristianNBovee

Doesthissoundimpossible

My daughter Melyssa would say no arguing that despite a societalpreoccupation with ldquoproductsrdquo (of both kinds) itrsquos theoretically possible toenjoy every processOf course striving to achieve ldquoproductsrdquo isnrsquot inherentlyevilitrsquosonlyaproblemwhenitblindsustotheprocesswhenitleadsustopicktherosesfromthegardenwithoutevensmellingthem

EnjoytheRide

Religiousmaximsremindus that life itself isaprocess--ldquolife isa journeynotadestinationrdquoAnddailywersquoreremindedtoldquoenjoytheriderdquoNonethelessweoftenforgetthatthebusridetotheamusementpark(process)canbejustasenjoyableastheamusementparkitself(product)ifonlyweletit(childrenonafieldtriparequicktopointoutthatthebusrideisoftenthemostenjoyablepart)

One of my lightbulb moments occurred some years ago on my way toBaltimoretowatchtheOriolesplaybaseballIwastravelingwiththreeofmyfriends when the conversation turned to traffic That particular day it wasbumper-to-bumperandourcollectivefrustrationwasapparent(ldquo weshouldhaveleftearlierrdquoandldquolookatthatidiotcrossinglanesrdquo)MentallyIstartedtorecord the conversation and realized thatmore than 30of itwas devoted totrafficOuch

ldquoLordhowthedaypassesItislikealifesoquicklywhenwedonrsquotwatchitandsoslowlyifwedordquo

--JohnSteinbeck

So I tried a little thought experiment and placed the four of us at a cornerboothatthelocalrestaurantIimaginedwewerenoshingonchipsandsippingmargheritaslaughingandtellingjokessimplyenjoyingoneanotherrsquoscompanyChances are slim as we sat there eating potato skins that the conversationwould turn to traffic (after all we were sitting in a restaurant) Yet here wewere four friends togetheron theway toaballgameconsumedby talkaboutlanechangesandarrogantdrivers

Theproblemofcoursewasnrsquot thetrafficatall-- theproblemwashowwethoughtaboutitNowIrsquollbethefirsttoadmitthatahighwayrsquosvisualcuesarecompellingthatitrsquoshardnottogetriledupwhenyouseemanicdriverstryingtomake their way where no car should ever go but these visual cues need notdestroytheprocess(enjoyingtimewithgoodfriends)evenaswestrivetoreachtheproduct(arrivingattheballpark)

FindingPleasureinEverythingYouDo

Sothenexttimeyoursquoreonalatenightruntothesupermarkettrynottobesointentonreturninghome(product)thatyoufailtoenjoytheprocess--listeningtothecarradiosharingastorywith thecheckoutattendantpassingafriendlywordtoaneighbor

Challenge5BTheCycleNeverEnds

The remarkable part of the Product-Process Connundrum is that the cycle never ends that iseveryproducthasaprocessandinturneveryprocesscanbesubdividedintoanendlessstringofmini-products and processes For example once we decide to marinate the chicken (our latestproduct) an entirely new process magically unfolds selecting the marinade deciding whatingredientstoaddfindingthebrushtospreaditturningthechickenovercheckingbackinanhourortwotoreapplyandsoonandsoforth

Thepointisthecycleneverends--wesetoursightsonaproductandaprocessunfoldsAndonce engaged in the process a new product appears The cycle continues until fatigued fromthoughtwedecidetostopthinkingaboutthem

Andthenexttimethatyoursquoreheadinghomefromworktrynottobesointentonpullingintothedriveway(product) thatyouneglect toenjoythetriphomeImagine the walk to your car as part of your exercise program think of afriendly word to the parking attendant as a bid to connect consider that anendlesstrafficjamoffersmoretimetoenjoyaradiosegmentthatyouotherwisemighthavemissed

ldquoDonotthinkthatwhatyourthoughtsdwelluponisofnomatterYourthoughtsaremakingyourdquo

--BishopSteere

Andthenexttimethatyoumoveintoanewhometrynottobesofocusedonputtingeverythingaway(product)thatyoumissachancetoembracetheprocess-- the memories that flow from unpacking sentimental treasures that warmfeelingfromwatchingfamilymembersworktogetherthedreamsthatflowfromimaginingwhatanewhomewilllooklikewillbecome

GrantYourselfPermission

Believeitornotyoursquoreactuallyallowed--yesyoursquoreactuallypermitted--toenjoyyournewhomefromthemomentthatyoumoveinYoudonrsquothavetowait until the carpets are cleaned or the woodshop is ready or the bags areunpacked The fact is therersquos no required waiting period for pleasure tobegin

Sodonrsquotwait tobehappyDonrsquotwait untiltheproductisachievedFeelgoodrightnowRealizethatassoonastheprocessbeginsyoursquorefree--trulyfreetoenjoyeverypartoftheexperience

ldquoThecontinuousinventionofnewwaysofobservingismanrsquosspecialsecretoflivingrdquo

--JZYoung

Enjoytheprocess

Challenge5CCreatingaTrigger

Ifyouwish to spendmore timeenjoying theprocess try theldquotriggerrdquochallenge Itrsquosnothingdramatic -- it simplyencouragesus tocreatesomeformofvisualauditoryorkinestheticldquotriggerrdquotohelpshiftourthoughtstotheprocess

Creatinga triggerof coursewonrsquotmagically transformyour thoughtsor behavior And no trigger can quickly induce human change -- onlyawarenesscandothatButatriggernonethelesscanhelpusspeedalongtheprocess

A personal trigger might be nothing more than a word (spokeninternally)amovementorasoundAtriggerneedonlyremindustostopfixatingontheproductandbeginenjoyingtheprocessThebesttriggersofcoursearetheonesthatwecreateandthemoreactivethebetterIsupposethat the ideal triggerwould activate all of our sensesBut IrsquomproposingsomethingmoremodestIrsquomproposingatriggerthatisequalpartssimpleandswift

Herersquoswhat I dowhen I findmy thoughts locked on the product Iclenchmyhandintoafist(product)andslowlyopenitup(process)Thehand flexwhich takes all of five seconds remindsme to shiftmy focusfrom theproduct (my fist) to theprocess (my fingers) If I have an extramomentItrytorollmyfingersoutslowlyasifeachonerepresentsapartoftheprocessI imaginetakingpleasureineverystepAndifIrsquomluckymythoughtsbegintoshiftawayfromtheproductifonlyforawhile

If yoursquore thinking about creating your own personal trigger Irsquodrecommend that you 1 keep it simple 2 engage your senses and 3recognize that you may have to change it at some point to avoidembarrassingmoments(clenchingyourfistatthenextboardmeetingmightbeatouchuncomfortable)

Challenge5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself

ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthisreportisfinishedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthekitcheniscleaneduprdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilschoolisoutrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepresentationiscompletedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilIrsquovefinishedpaintingthebasementrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepartyisoverrdquo

Therearetimeswhenwesaythesewordswithenthusiasm(ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntil the show tomorrownightrdquo)whenour excitement about theproduct(watching the show) actually enhances our enjoyment of the process(lookingforwardtoit)

ButmoreoftenthannotthephraseldquoIcanrsquotwaitrdquosignalssorrownot joy The phrase typically flows from frustration from a desire tocomplete the dreaded task so that other pursuits can be enjoyed -- egmusic television eating socializing reading going to the theater orattendingasportingevent

WishingThemAway

Sadly a remarkable amount of our mental life is spent hoping theunpleasanttasksbeforeus(moreaccuratelythosetaskswersquovedecidedareunpleasant)willbedonePrivatelywethinkabouthowgooditwillfeeltobefinishedhowpleasedwewillbewhenthefilingisdonethemailissortedtheproposaliscomplete

Howthendowelearntoenjoythefilingtotakepleasureinsortingthemailtoenjoypreparingtheproposalnotsimplycompletingit

Todoso tomore thoroughlyenjoy theprocesswemust firstbecomeaware of our thoughts and the degree towhichwe equate productswithhappinessandprocesswithdrudgery

Herethenisourthree-partchallenge

Part1Selectone (yes justone)unpleasant task that isa taskyoudonrsquotparticularlyenjoydoing thekindthatquicklystirsupnegative

thoughtsinsideofyou

Part 2 The next time you begin this task consciously decide toldquowatchyourthoughtsrdquothatistolistentoyourprivatethoughtsasyoubegintheactivitythenstartdoingtheactivity

Step3Asyoursquoreldquothoughtwatching1rdquoaskyourselfthreequestionstorevealyourproduct-processorientation

Q1HowoftendoIthinkaboutfinishing(frequency)Q2Howstrongarethesefeelings(emotion)Q3Howlongdothesethoughtslast(persistence)

The good news is yoursquoll have plenty of chances to run theseldquothoughtexperimentsrdquoOrmaybethatrsquosthebadnews

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearhere

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoy

ldquoIfinditextremelydifficulttoenjoycookinglsquoontherunrsquothatisrunninginafterworkandrunningtochangeandgetdinnercookingItisunpleasantbecauseIreallylovetocookbutdonrsquotwanttofeelrushedandunabletobelsquocreativersquoaboutcooking

ldquoAlsoIcannotenjoysomeofthedailytasksthatIhavetodowithmyMother(iegettingherreadyforbed)This hangs overmy head until she is upstairs and in her bed I canrsquot relax and enjoymy eveningbecauseIknowthatthischoreiscomingupCanrsquotexplainitrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoIhatecleaninghouseOhIlikeaneathouseAndIrsquomembarrassedifanyonecomestomydoorwhenIrsquomnotexpectingthemMytoleranceforclutterishigherthanmostmalesSoIallowmyselftoavoidthe

unpleasanttaskofcleaninghouseThereisNOenjoymentinitformeduringtheprocessandlittleafteritrsquosdonerdquo--NatE

ldquoLightlyunpleasantpayingbills (thebestpart iswhen itrsquosover -- itrsquosnot really themoneyspendingaspect itrsquos the choregotta do drudgery aspect) supremely unpleasant counseling out or terminatingemployees(fortunatelynotveryregular)especiallyifothersthanmyselfshouldhavebeenprovidingmoreconstructivefeedbackpriortothesituationreachingthisnecessityrdquo--JoelR

ldquoPhone calls to difficult customers any kind of tax (FedState) preparation delivering bad news toanyonerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoUnsavoryTasksTheonlythingthatIwouldcategorizethiswayisthehomeworkstudyingrequiredformyStatistics(sadistics)classwhichIamcurrentlytakinginmyMBAprogramItisverydemandingandthesubjectmatterisoneaboutwhichIdonotparticularlycareHoweverIremindmyselfthatitwillsoonbeoverandthatthereareotherssufferingthroughitaswellAmethodIfrequentlyemploytogetmethroughthisandotherunsavorytasksistoremindmyselfthatitcouldalwaysbemuchworse

ldquoForinstancedespitethefactthatIhavenointerestinStatisticsIamabletodothehomeworkandpasstheexamsItwouldbeextremelyunpleasantifIwerelessintelligentandnotabletograsptheconceptsofthisrequiredcourseThemostcommonthingaboutwhichIconstantlyremindmyself is that Iamnot inwarItrytorevisitthefeelingthatIhadafterseeinglsquoSavingPrivateRyanrsquooradocumentaryIrecentlysawabout POWrsquos in Vietnam called lsquoReturnWith Honorrsquo Though this does not allow me to lsquoenjoyrsquo anunsavorytaskitgetsmethroughitwithminimalcomplaintrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoNowifIcouldonlyfindthesilverlininginscrubbingtheshowerstallrdquo--VickiS

ldquoCleaningoutthekittylitterusedbyourtwocatsrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIdislikemakingmybedIdonrsquotliketodoweekendchoresegfixingthingspaintingetc--avoidaslongaspossibleIdonrsquotliketogetupearly--doitforbusinessmeetingsortogetMaxtoschoolrdquo--CarlE

ldquoIhaveadifficult timeenjoyinganything thathasbadsmellsassociatedwith itYouprobablydonotneeddetailshererdquo--KarinU

ldquoTheroutinetasksthatareperformedinahurry(cleaninglaundrygroceryshopping)canbeenjoyablewhen not in a hurry Itrsquos not always the task that is unpleasant but the context in which it is beingperformedIthinkthecontextismuchmoreimportantingeneralthantheplacesandactivitiesThinkaboutdoingsomethingroutinebyyourselfwithsomeoneyoudonrsquotparticularlycareforandwithalonglostfriendItdramaticallychangesthelsquofun-nessrsquooftheactivitybecausetheactivityisnolongerthemainfocusCompanionshipcompatibilitylaughtertakeoverrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoUnsavory Tasks totally unpleasant is confrontation of any kind Although I have gotten better athandlingitIalwayshavesickfeelinginmystomachbeforeduringandafteraconfrontationwithsomeoneEvenifitturnsoutOKSomewhatrelatedismeetingorfacingstrangers--lotsofanxietythereunlesstheyaretotallyonmyturfwhereIhavesomeexperienceorexpertiseDonrsquotgetmewrongIdefinitelyenjoypeopleitjusttakesmetimetofeelcomfortableandperhapstrustingofthemrdquo--VickiH

ldquoUnsavoryTasks thinkingofwhat tomake for lunchesordinner I lovemaking the food I justhatedecidingwhattomakerdquo--GailC

PureOutcomeldquoVeryfewmomentsareperceivedaspureoutcomerdquo

--HughPrather

1ldquoThoughtwatchingrdquoisachallengingendeavorbecauseourthoughtstendtoloopasifonaldquothoughtwheelrdquoAthoughtrisesfromanynumberofsourcesquicklypeaksinintensitylaysdormantforawhileonlytoriseagainsomewhatlessintenselythanbefore

Rule6

Pause

ldquoNothingvaluablecanbelostbytakingtimerdquo--AbrahamLincoln

I used to joke thatAmericarsquos urban residentswere all communists becauseeveryone I knewwas rushinrsquo The quip still drawsmoderate laughter but theunderlying themes do not Nearly 30 years after Alvin Toffler pennedFutureShockhispropheciesareringingtrue--lifeisindeedspeedingup

Anditrsquosnotaprettysight

In todayrsquos up-tempo technologically driven society we rush aboutmercilesslyPhysicallywedriveourselves to fatigue traipsingcross-townandcross-countryMentallywedriveourselvestodistractioncreatinganeuralwebof rolesandresponsibility Increasinglyourdesire toarriveat thenextstationstopissopowerfulthatwefailtonoticethefruitstandsandchestnutoaksthatlineourpath

ldquoOurpatiencewillachievemorethanourforcerdquo--EdmundBurke

Howdoweslowthepace

By recognizing that the externalworldwill neitherwait for us nor slow tomeetourneedsMore thanacenturyafterAlexanderGrahamBellrsquos inventionalteredthenatureofhumancommunicationaprofusionofchoicesconfrontus-- voice mail and e-mail cell phones and pagers faxes and wireless InternetconnectivityWe thrill at the soundof awireless connection andpraise the e-

Gods for delivering faster hookups and high-speed data lines But have theyenhancedourqualityof lifeHavewegainedmorethanwersquovelostfromthesehigh-techtreats

Paradoxically many of the worldrsquos technological innovations threaten todissolve the very resource that they sought to create time And from allappearancesnotoolhasyettoappearonthetechnologicalhorizontoturnthattideWhichleavesuswithlittlechoiceIfwewishtodownshiftslowthetempoourbestchanceistoturninsideWeneedbetterfiltersbetterscreensweneedwaystomanagethestaggeringamountof incomingcerebral trafficInawordweneedtolearnhowtopause

ldquoThetimetorelaxiswhenyoudonrsquothavetimeforitrdquo

--SidneyJHarris

CalmingDownTheAmygdala

Brainresearchershaveconfirmedwhatwelonghaveknownintuitively--thattherersquos aphysiological benefit topausingRememberhowyourparentswouldtell you to ldquocount rsquotil 10rdquo when you became angry Do you know why thatworksIthastodowithhowyourbrainiswiredWhenacrisiseruptsroughly10ofyourneuronsarerouteddirectlytotheamygdalayourbrainrsquosemotionalcenterTheother90areroutedthroughthecerebralcortextheldquothinkingrdquopartofyourbrainScientistsbelieve thatwersquorewired thiswayforsurvival that ispart of our brain is designed to simply ldquoreactrdquo even before we ldquothinkrdquo Bycountingto10itallowsthoseneuronsthatfirsttraveledtotheamygdalatore-routeandgothroughthecerebralcortexThatisitgivesustimetoldquothinkrdquo

ACriticalSkill

Pausing is another of those critical life skills that school fails to address(ldquolisteningrdquo tops that list seeRule 11)And itrsquos not the easiest skill to learnPausing is difficult to improvebecausewe live in an agewhichpraises speedandglorifiesproductivity

ButlearningtopauseisworththeinvestmentItgivesustimetoreassessouroptionstochooseourwordsandactionsmorewiselyPausinggivesustimetocatchourbreathphysicallyandmetaphoricallytoidleourengineifonlyforamomentbeforewespeedoffinathousandnewdirectionsApausemaylastjust

a second or two (though aweek-long pause sounds somewhat appealing) butwhateverthelengtheachtimewechoosetopausewegiveourselvesapricelessgift--thegiftoftime

TryitoutThenexttimeyoustepintoyourcartrypausingforjustasecondortwobeforeyouturnontheengineflipontheradioorhookupyourseatbeltPausetakeadeepbreath

And tonight when you slip into bed pause for just a moment before youreach for the book on your night stand Throughout the day try pausing beforeyoudialthephoneorpouryourselfacoldonebeforeyousaynotoyourkids or yes to a volunteer request Soon enough yoursquoll find that simply bypausingyoursquovecreatedspaceforyourselfthatyouneverknewexisted

ldquoPatienceistheabilitytoidleyourmotorwhenyoufeellikestrippingyourgearsrdquo

--BarbaraJohnson

RushingisOptional

Thinkbacktoarecent timewhenyouwererushingaboutChancesare thematterwasnrsquoturgentthatistherewasnomedicalemergencyorlife-threateningsituation The fact is when we review lifersquos moments we find that only ahandfuldemand anup-tempopace aquick reactionor an instantaneous replyNonethelessourpersonalmantraisoneofspeedandhasteandsoonweforgetthatrushingisanoption

So

thenexttimeyoursquorelisteningtosomeoneyoulovetrypausingbeforeyouspeaklongenoughtohearyourprivatethoughts

andthenexttimeyousitdowntodothebillstrypausinglongenoughtohearyourworriesandyourfears

Chances are that if you take the time to pause yoursquoll quickly learn howpowerfulfivesecondscanbe

Tomorrowrsquos pressureswill come soon enoughTherewill be amoment ortwowhen your emotional center is fully chargedWhen thismoment arrivesconsiderRule6Itrsquosaphysiologicalfactthatamomentarystoppageinplay--beita20-secondtimeoutorafullone--willgiveyouenoughtimetoengagethethinkingpartofyourbrainThegoodnewsisthatinlifeunlikebasketballyoudonrsquotrunoutoftimeouts

ldquoInanycontestbetweenpowerandpatiencebetonpatiencerdquo

--WBPrescott

Wellnotexactly

FormoreseeAppendixBldquoLearningtoPauserdquo(p193)

Challenge6ACreateAPersonalTrigger

Todaywill be no different Today yoursquoll saymore than 10000wordsandmakemorethan1000decisionsAndthoughmostwillbeldquoautomaticrdquoa small handful will have a major impact on your self-esteem yourrelationshipsandyourlifedirection

Choose wisely But choose slowly Pausing is always in season butnevermoresothatwhenwespeakandwhenwedecide

Imagine if inside your neural network you were able to build anautonomicmechanismforpausingIfyoubuiltsuchasystemyourwordswouldmore likely inspire than irritate yourdecisionsbasedmoreonintelligencenotimpulsivity

So try creating a mental trigger for pausing that is a system thatinstructs you to pause before you speakAnd pause before youdecide

Yourldquotriggerrdquomightbe

diamsPhysicalplacingafingertoyourlipsdiamsVisualimagingwavesthatcomeshoreordiamsAuditoryhearingavoicethatsimplywhispersldquowaitrdquo

Thetrickistofindatriggerthatworksforyouonethatfitscomfortablyintoyour thoughtpatternandyourmental schemeExperimenthave funbeplayfulThenifyoufindonethatworkstrytomakeitapermanentpartofyourprocessIfyoudothebenefitswilllastalifetime

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowoftendoyoupause

ldquoPausingWhewwhataconceptIfevertherewereapersonwhowasinneedofthisconceptitmustbeme

ldquoRealizingthatandthenmovingonitisanothermatterindeedPratherrsquoswords1arenoteasilyadheredto(formeatleast)ItrulybelieveIamattimesalmostlsquoADDrsquoinmythinkingpatternsIhavereadandre-readPratherrsquoswordsAmstillnotfullyunderstandingthembutwillattempttomakethetwodayexerciserdquo

ldquoWillgetbacktoyouinthreedaystime(hopefully)Sendsearchteamsifyouhavenrsquotheardfrommeinthreedays--MickeyF

ldquoIhavebeentoldthatmeditationmakesusawareofourthinkingasbeinglikeframesinamoviewithever growing gaps between each framethought until it ismore gap than frame PauseAlways insightsseemtocomewhenwelsquodaydreamrsquo--theyseemtorequirethepause(thatrefreshes)rdquo--JohnN

Patience

ldquoOnlythosewhohavethepatiencetodosimplethingsperfectlywillacquiretheskilltododifficultthingseasilyrdquo

--JohannFriedrichVonSchiller

TheMostImportantTalentldquoIfIhavemadeanyvaluablediscoveriesithasbeenowingmoretopatientattentionthantoanyothertalentrdquo

--SirIsaacNewton

1HughPrather in his bookldquoNotes onHow toLive inThisWorld andStillBeHappyrdquooffers tips onlearningtopauseExcerptsappearinAppendixB

Rule7

Laugh

ldquoPeoplewholaughactuallylivelongerthanthosewhodonrsquotlaughFewpersonsrealizethathealthactually

variesaccordingtotheamountoflaughterrdquo--DrJamesWalsh

ItrsquosofficialThestatisticsareinLaughterheals

Three decades of research have confirmed what Norman Cousins knewinstinctively--thatlaughterworksItlowersbloodpressurereducesyourheartrateboostsyourimmunesystemandhelpsyoucopewithpain

As if thatrsquos not enough laughter also improves relationships builds trustamongalliesandenemiesandhelpsconquerfearsandanxietiesAndthoughnophysicianwillprescribe itandnopharmacystocks it itrsquosquitepossible thatadailydoseoflaughterisnaturersquosperfectmedicineanaturalhealer

ldquoAgainsttheassaultoflaughternothingcanstandrdquo--MarkTwain

More than 30 years ago Norman Cousins combined his extraordinaryintuition and courage to stake claim to the notion that laughter is indeed thebestmedicineCousins theorized then proved that a regular dose of laughterwouldremovethecancerfromhisbodyCousinsbecamelivingtestimonytothemind-bodyconnectiondemonstratingbeyonda shadowof adoubt thathumorheals

SinceCousinsrsquopioneeringworkresearcherstheworldoverhaveaffirmedthepower of laughter Countless studies confirm that laughter createsmeasurablephysiological changes in the human bodyA sampling of study results showsthatjovialburstscan

bullRelievepain--laughterhelpspatientscopewithpain--laughterreleasesendorphinsthebodyrsquosnaturalpainkillersbullLoweryourheartrate--ldquoWhenwelaughourheartrateincreaseswhenwefinishlaughingitthendecreasestoarateslowerthanbeforewestartedtolaughrdquobullRelaxyourmuscles--ldquoTensioninourmusclesincreaseswhenwelaughandlessensoncewersquoredonerdquobullImprovebreathing--ldquoIncreasedrespirationfromlaughingclearsoutthedeadspacesinourlungsareasthatnormallydonrsquotgetoxygenatedrdquoandbullBoostyourimmunesystem1

ldquoTimespentlaughingistimespentwiththeGodsrdquo--Japaneseproverb

LifersquosNaturalResource

And the body of research continues to grow confirming what we senseintuitivelythattheabilitytoexerciseourinnerclowndirectlyaffectsourabilitytoenjoylife

StarttoLaugh

Sothenexttimeyoursquoregrippedwithfrustration

oracaseofill-will

starttolaugh

Andthenexttimeyourvoicebeginstosoar

andyournervesbegintofray

starttolaugh

ldquoLaughteristhemosthealthfulexertionrdquo

--CWilhelmHufeland

BuywhimsicalbookswatchfrivilouscomediesVisitcomedyclubsandreadcartoonsMake funny faces in themirrorWhatever your fancymake time inyourbusyscheduletolaugh

Itrsquospowerfulmedicine

Challenge7ALaughingallthewaytowork

Youprobably think that Irsquommaking this up but at one time licensedpsychologist Phyliss Shanken was employed as a ldquohumor consultantrdquo(currently shersquos theDirector ofPsychologicalServices at INTROSPECTofBuxMontwwwpshankencom)Butdonrsquot let that foolyou -- shersquosanexpertonlaughingBelowPhylisssharesherownstoryandinsodoingchallengeseachofustoldquolaughourselvessillyrdquo

Phylissshowustheway

ldquoEverymorning on the way to my office when I reach thetraffic lightatFivePointsPlazaIstart to laughIt takesaboutthree to four minutes to drive from there to my office and Icontinue to laughheartily theentire time Irsquomalone in thecarno one has toldme a joke 91 FM radio is probably reportingdepressing news or guests on a talk show are discussingproblemsintheworldtodayYetIlaughInordertostartmyselfoff Idonrsquoteven try to thinkofanything funny I justbreak intoguffaws Ifpeople inothercarsgivemewide-eyedstares I justlaughmoreAfterallembarrassmentbreedslaughter

ldquoWhydoIputmyselfthroughthischortlingworkoutBecauseI know that according to Dr William Fry a Stanfordpsychiatristwhohasbeenastudentoflaughterforthreedecadeslaughing 100 times a day (about three minutes) is thecardiovascularequivalentof10minutesofrowingJust thinkof

17AAfteryournextmistake17BTrimyourldquoregretcyclerdquo

Challenges-AchievingYourGoals18AHowsharpisyourknife19AWhilelyinginbed19BldquoOuttolunchbebackinanhourrdquo

Foreword

ThisbookisperfectformyfriendMitchWilliamswhosohetellsmeoftenstartsreadingbooksinthemiddleIdonrsquotquiteunderstandhowhedoesthatIrsquoveheardhimexplainitadozentimesldquoYesIjustopenthebookinthemiddleandstartreadingrdquo

HonestlyIdonrsquotgetitbutinthiscasewith21RuleshersquodbespotonbecausethisisnrsquotoneofthosebooksthatyoureadfronttobackItrsquosaskip-aroundbookGlancethecontentsenjoythepoignantquotesoneverypagePickitupputitdownDonrsquotmakeitachoreReadingshouldnrsquotbeachorePerhapsthatrsquosRule22

OhanddonrsquotmisstheAppendicesall12ofthemTheyrsquorechockfullofgreatwisdomndashnoneofitfrommeIrsquovesimplygatheredinsightfromworldexpertsandcondenseditforyou

Irsquovespentthebetterpartofmyadultlifereadingself-helpbooksandIfinallyrealizedthatitwastimetoputmyjournalisticbackgroundtouseSothisbookinessenceisacompilationofthewisdomsharedovertheyearsbyself-helpgurusIrsquovejustbroughtitalltogetherforyou

Irsquomhappytosharesomeofmyfavorites(Rules10and19topthechartalongwithAppendixFtitledldquoTheHumanTranslatorrdquo)butyoursquollsoonfindsomeofyourownandIrsquodlovetoknowwhattheyareSopleasesendalonganemail(steveferbergmailcom)toletmeknowAnddonrsquotbeshyIrsquodlovetohearfromyou

TheinspirationbehindthisbookofcoursearethefourwomenwithwhomIrsquommadlyinlovendashmywifeRoe(thisyearwecelebrateour35thyearofmarriage)andourdaughtersMelyssaNatalieandOliviaEachofthemisagiftfromheaveninsightfulstrongintouchmotivatedcaringandwiseIloveyou

AndIlovethefriendsandfamilywhowerekindenoughtoanswermyendlessseriesofquestionsandwhoallowedmetopublishtheiranswersinthis

book(inspecialsectionscallednotsurprisinglyldquoMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsrdquo)Stopandreadoneortwoyoursquollbeimpressedwiththeirinsight

SothankyoutomysisterIlenemysister-in-lawCaroleuncleAllanbrother-in-lawBrucecousinsChrisJillMarnieandSteeve(yesitrsquostwoersquos)andfriendsgalorendashBobbiCordingleyCarlEcksteinGailChmuraDaveRuppGaryMillerJoelAnnReaJoeBrancatelliJohnNelsonJerrySemperKathyDowdKarinUdlerMarleyCasagrandeMickeyFilipponiNatEmeryRonTaylorSheilaFilipponiVickiHutmanandVickiSullivan

IrsquodalsoliketothankJayDeegandesignerextraordinairewhodesignedsixversionsofthebookcoverandimpressesusdailywithhisgeniusAndfinallyaspecialthankyoutomygoodfriendandcolleagueElizabethBushwhotookthetimetoeditthisbookanddelightmewithhercommentssuggestionsandcritiqueSheisaspecialpersonIwisheachofyoucouldmeether

ThankyouforpickingthisbookupIhopethatithasmeaningforyou

SteveFerberCharlestonSouthCarolina

September2012

IntroductionTheWindowampTheWind

ldquoManrsquosgreatnessliesinhispowerofthoughtrdquo--BlaisePascal

Inlargemeasurethisbookisaboutourthoughtsthethoughtsthatourmindcreates and re-creates as we experience life Thoughts are said to be thewindowtoourlivesbutIbelievethattheyarethewindaswell

There is no escaping the notion that our thoughts define our entire humanexperience--theystandbehindeverywordthatwespeakeveryactionthatwetakeand(nearly)everyemotionthatwefeelYetknowingthiswespendbutafractionofourtimeexaminingourthoughtsInsteadwespendmuchofourdayrepeatingtiredandworn-outthoughtpatterns

ldquoThekeytoeverymanishisthoughtrdquo--RalphWaldoEmerson

This book is about changing those patterns about thinking new thoughtsaboutcapturingmorehappymomentsdeliveringmorelovingsmilesCentraltoourthemeisthenotionthatwecanchoosewhattothinkthatweactuallyhaveachoice about what private thoughts to ponder But do we Can we actuallychoosewhattothink

Basedonwhatweknowaboutthephysiologyofthebrain--ie theneuralcompetitionbetweenlogic(thecerebralcortex)andemotion(theamygdala)--itappearsreasonabletospeculatethat1Wehavesomeabilitytochoosewhatwethink (though our powerful emotional centers honed over 40000 years forsurvivalcaneasilyoverwhelmourlogicsystems)2Eachindividualrsquosabilitytoldquochooserdquovariesdramaticallygiventhateachhumanbeingisauniqueblendof

natureandnurture3Weallarecapableofimproving--thatiseachofuscanenhanceourabilitytochoose

DoWeReallyHaveaChoice

AsayoungsterthenateenagerandyoungadultIviewedchoiceasnothingmorethanldquoactivityselectionrdquoInthiscontextchoicemeantdecidingwhattodonextwithourpersonalandfamilytime

ldquoWhatbookshouldIreadnextrdquo

ldquoWhatrestaurantshouldwegotofordinnerrdquo

ldquoWhatTVshowshouldIwatchrdquo

ldquoEveryeventthatamanwouldmastermustbemountedontherunandnomanevercaughtthereinsofathoughtexceptasitgallopedpasthimrdquo

--OliverWendellHolmes

If we are fortunate our lives offermany such choices But the concept ofchoicegoesfarbeyondmereactivities--choiceencompassesallthatwesay(thewords thatwespeak) all thatwedo (theactionswe take) andas Iwill soonarguenearlyallthatwethink(thethoughtsthatfillourminds)

DoWeChooseWhattoSay

OfcourseAfteralltoavoidoffendingotherswithourwordswecansimplychoosenottospeak(howeverdifficultthatmayseemattimes)Eachdaywersquorefaced with thousands of decisions none more critical than knowing when tospeak and in turn knowing what to say The words that we speak haveenormous influence over our lives because they define the health of ourrelationshipsThisiswhywemustchooseourwordscarefullytomakecertainthatweavoidatallcostsspeakingharshlytothosewhomwelove

DoWeChooseWhattoDo

NoquestionIfwewantedtoavoidoffendingotherswithouractionswecansimplychoosenottoact--tositquietlyandobserveandcontemplate

ButOurThoughts

CanwereallychoosewhattothinkIbelievethatwecanIbelievethatitrsquospossibletomoveourpersonalthoughttrackseversogentlyinthedirectionthatwedesireGrantedourthoughtpatternsaredeeplyingrainedandmayindeedsolidify with age But study after study personal experience after personalexperienceaffirmsthatchangeispossible

ldquoLifeistheonlygameinwhichtheobjectofthegameistolearntherulesrdquo

--AshleighBrilliant

Thekeyofcourse isawarenessAfterallhowcanwechangeourpatternsunlessweknowwhattheyare

HiddenFromtheWorld

Byand largeourmentalhabits arehidden from theworldThatrsquoswhy itrsquoseasierforafriendtotellustostopsmoking(physicalhabit)thantostopbeingself-critical (mental habit) Chances are that our friends probably know howmanytimesadaywesmokeacigarettebuttheylikelyhavenoideahowmanytimesadayweprivatelycriticizeourselves

Theworldisobsessedwithimprovingourphysicalhabits--wersquoretoldtoeatamorenutritiousbreakfastexercisethreetimesaweeksleepafulleighthoursa night But where are the comparable preachings for improving our mentalhabits

Yesourmentalhabitsmaybehidden from theworldbut theyrsquorecertainlynothiddenfromusThetruthisifyoupauselongenoughtoactuallywatchyourthoughtstoobserveandanalyzethemyoursquollquicklynoticehowrepetitivetheyare Though each of us considers ourselves unique and mysterious andcomplextherealityisthatourthoughtpatternsourldquoprivatethoughttracksrdquoarequitepredictable

Rest assured just as our neural networks instruct our body to move in acertainway(eg tyingourshoelacesswingingagolfclub)thesesameneuralnetworks instruct ourmind to think in a certainway (eg getting upsetwhensomeonecutsusoffintraffic)

ldquoYoubecomewhatyouthinkaboutrdquo

--EarlNightingale

LetrsquostakeanexampleSaythataclosefriendtellsyouthatyoursquorebeingtoosensitive Chances are that the comment will trigger a sequence of familiarthoughts that leadyou to criticize bothyourself andyour friendThepatternsareall toofamiliar--someoneinsultsyouand inaninstantyourcerebralCDbeginsplayingldquoThoughtTrack25rdquo

OrsaythatapersonchallengesyourauthorityInpopsldquoThoughtTrack41rdquotriggeringawell-wornsequenceofangerandrevengeAndsoitgoesmomentbymoment day after daywe play our pre-recorded thought tracks over andoverandoveragain

Itdoesnrsquothave tobe thatwayWecandeletedislikable tracksandbegin tore-stockthe libraryWecandiscardportionsofour inventoryandcreatefreshnewtracksforthecomingseasonEasytodoOfcoursenotbuttherewardsaresubstantialAfterallasidefromfamilyandyourfriendswhatrsquosmorepreciousthanyourprivatethoughttime

LetrsquosGetPhysical

Irsquoveoftenwonderedwhywespendsomuchtimetryingtoalterourphysicalhabits (eg cutting down on food alcohol or tobacco) but so little on ourmental habitswhywe spend somuch time learning newphysical skills (egguitar tennis yoga computer skills) but so little learning newmental skillsPerhaps itrsquos because our physical habits are public or perhaps itrsquos becausetheyrsquorejusteasiertolearn

Perhaps But imagine the benefits of learning new mental skills Imaginebuildinganinternalsystemwherethoughtscreateconfidenceandself-esteem

Shouldnrsquotwebepayingmoreattentiontoourmentalhabits

CreatingPrivateWordsofEncouragement

WordsareamongmanrsquosmostpowerfulforcesyetweoftenneglecttoharnessthemIrsquomsurethatyoucanrecallamomentinyourlifewhenawordortwo--from a person that you respect -- led you to change a personal decision orperhapsmoredramatically thecourseofyour life Itmayhavebeenasimple

suggestion (ldquoWhy donrsquot you give them a callrdquo) or it may have been strongwordsofsupport(ldquotrustyourinstinctsrdquo)

ldquoEverythoughtwethinkiscreatingourfuturerdquo--LouiseLHay

Irefertotheseurgingsasldquopublicwordsofencouragementrdquobecausewetakethese publicwords and incorporate them into our private thoughts to help usshape future decisionsWe hear publicwords of encouragement not just fromfriends and relatives but from authors and politicians script writers and talkshowhosts1

WhynotlearntocreateourownldquoprivatewordsofencouragementrdquoWhynotstartlisteningtoourselvesItismyferventhopethat21RulesToLiveBywillhelpyoudojustthat

IrecallhowstandingatafuneralseveralyearsagoIstartedtoimaginewhateveryonewasthinkingItseemedthatatthissingularmomentallpettydisputeshaddissolvedalldailyworrieshaddiminishedDuringthisoneuniquemomentitappearedthatwewereallofonemind--sharingthoughtsofloveandwarmthoffriendshipandcompassionYethourslaterintheprivacyofourcarorourhome or our thoughts we quickly reverted to our hackneyed thought tracksthoughtsthatcriticizeandcondemndestroyanddiminish

ldquoThoughttakesmanoutofservitudeintofreedomrdquo--HenryWadsworthLongfellow

Now alone in the privacy of my car I asked myself since theyrsquore justthoughtswhatpreventsusfromcreatingandre-creatingthesamethoughtsthatwe experienced at the funeral If theyrsquore just thoughtswhat prevents us fromcreating themwhilewersquore sitting in trafficweeding thegarden or paying thebillsWhymustwereverttooldpatterns

TheanswerofcourseisthatweneednotAllweneedisanewsetoftools

InthephysicalworldwersquorepresentedwiththousandsoftoolseachcreatedandsoldonthepromisethattheyrsquollsaveyoutimeorincreaseproductivityButrarearethetoolsdesignedtohelpusimproveourmentaloutlookShouldnrsquotwespendmoretimeshoppingforthem

MatchingtheMoments

21RulestoLiveByisonesuchtooldesignedtorelieveanxietyandtensionto diminish anger and aggravation to redirect your thoughts to a happier andhealthierplace

Oneofmyprimarygoalsinwriting21Ruleswastomakeitpracticalthatistoofferspecificldquowordsofencouragementrdquothatyoucouldsharewithyourselfatjusttherightmoment

Whatmomentsarewetalkingabout

diamsmomentswhenyoursquorestrugglingwithlifersquosuncertainties(Rules1-3)

diams moments when yoursquore overwhelmed with anxiety trying to calm yournerves(Rules4-8)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoreinteractingwithanotherpersonbe it a familymember a close friend or a newacquaintance (Rules 9-13)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoretryingtomakeadecision(Rules14-17)

ldquoThenoblestpleasureisthejoyofunderstandingrdquo--LeonardoDaVinci

diams moments when yoursquore creating then striving to reach a personal goal(Rules 18-20) and diams moments when yoursquore frustrated by people orinstitutionsthatremainunwillingtochange(Rule21)

In its simplest form 21 Rules To Live By is a ldquohow-tordquo journal offeringspecificwordsofencouragementforsomeoflifersquosmostanxiety-filledmomentsToo often after reading a self-help book I was left wondering ldquoOK IunderstandwhattheauthorissayingButnowwhatdoIdotocalmdowntofeelbettertofeelmorerelaxedrdquo

With this inmind I crafted each of the 21 ruleswith specificmoments inmindTheconceptwaswheneveroneof thesemomentspresenteditself therewouldbearule--awordofencouragementofguidance--tohelpbringusbacktocentertoeasetheanxietyortheangst

Examplewhenyoursquorestuckinmind-numbingtrafficandyourtemperatureisstarting to rise turn to Rule 4 (Live in the Present) or Rule 5 (Focus on the

Process) Or perhaps yoursquore privately negotiating a career change -- Rule 14(ListenToYourHeart)canhelp

Step1

Mind you the concept of linking words to moments may seem far toosimplistic to generate meaningful long-lasting change Consider then theserulesthesewordsasafirststeptowardsbuildingnewthoughthabitsnewwaysofthinkingaboutourdayrsquostravailsThetruthiswhilelifeisbothdynamicandunpredictable our thought tracks often are not and the more quickly werecognizethisandtakestepstochangethemthehappierwewillbe

ldquoItrsquosonlyathoughtandathoughtcanbechangedrdquo--LouiseMay

Onapersonalnote Ioftenhaveused theserulesduring timesofstressandfrustration and I am pleased to report have experienced notable successNaturally Irsquom not always soothed by just words (intense moments seem tooverwhelmmyability to listen)Butmore thannot theseprivatewordshavehelped my mental outlook releasing my private thoughts to travel in newdirections In essence these rules have helped createmoremental timemoretimeformetodreamandcreateinsteadofgrouseandcomplain

Myhopeisthatasyoureadthisbookyoursquollfindaruleortwothatworksforyou (naturallymorewould bewonderful)My hope is that yoursquoll find a rulethatwhenappliedatjusttherightmomentbringsyouasenseofinnercalmorpeace and lasts formore than amoment If that should be the case Iwill bepleasedbeyondmeasure

This book is not intended as a scientific journal (though itrsquos pepperedwithreferences) nor does it aim to explore the physiology of the human thoughtprocess(itdoestouchbrieflyonauditoryandvisualcues)Insteadthisbookissimplyabidtoofferpersonalwordsofencouragementthatyoucansharewithyourselfasyourmomentsunfold

Why21

Iselectedldquo21rdquorulesforahighlyscientificreasonallthreeofourdaughters(MelyssaNatalieampOlivia)andnowourfirstgrandchild(Emery)arebornonthe21stMywifeRoedeliveredallthreegirlsnaturallythatisnoscheduledC-

sectionsMymotherlovedthecoincidenceofnaturebecauseitwaseasyforhertorememberhergranddaughtersrsquobirthdates--sheonlyneededtorememberthemonth (September February and March by the way just in case yoursquoreplanningtobuyagift)Naturallysincethebirthofourdaughtersthenumber21hasbecomesomethingofafamilyemblemnottomentionthatblackjackismyfavoritecardgame

ldquoThoughtshavepowerthoughtsareenergyAndyoucanmakeyourworldorbreakitbyyourownthinkingrdquo

--SusanTaylor

WhyThese21

Theprocessofselectingthe21ruleswastobesureatouchmorescientificIt involvedmatching lifersquosmoments (eg alonewith our thoughts talking toothersmakingdecisions settinggoals)withspecific rules (it shouldbenotedhowever that the list of 21 is not necessarily in order of importance insteadtheyrsquoregroupedaccordingtomomentstofacilitaterecall)

TheongoingdebatewithinthefamilycontinuesoverRule1ForthebetterpartofadecadeRule1was toldquohavefunrdquo(itrsquosstill in themixdonrsquotworry)MywifeRoeandIstressed this rulebecauseparticularlyon theathletic fieldplayersoften forgot to enjoy themselves Instead theathletic fieldbecameyetanotherbattlegroundofegoandpersonalityToooftenyoungathletesweretoldto focus on winning instead of effort to emphasize aggression instead ofcompassion (no wonder we struggle to build tolerance between races andnations)SoldquohavingfunrdquobecameacentralfamilythemeThefactthatitrsquosbeensupplanted by a new1will likely stir family debates for the next decade ortwo

DonrsquotMissTheseIf yoursquore tight for time make sure you that donrsquot miss these three

passages (some of my favorites) -- ldquoYou Donrsquot Need More Self-Disciplinerdquo (page 68) --TheFirm-FlexContinuum (Rule 19 page169)and--LaughingAlltheWay(page62)

ldquoTheLawofAttractionattractstoyoueverythingyouneedaccordingtothenatureofyourthoughtlifeYourenvironmentalandfinancialconditionaretheperfectreflectionofyourhabitualthinkingThoughtrulestheworldrdquo

--JosephEdwardMurphy

TheRulesThemselves

Herethenisaquicklookatthe21rulesgroupedintosixbroadcategories

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1BeKindtoYourselfRule2HaveFunRule3WorkHard

Asnotedforthebetterpartoftenyearsourfamilyrsquos1rulewastohavefunInourcurrentlistithasnrsquotfallenfar(itrsquosnow2)butthatdoesnrsquotpreventourdaughtersfromgivingusgriefnowandagainTheyinsistthathavingfunisstill1intheirheartsFarbeitfromustodisagree

Butthenew1--BeKindtoYourself--isaworthycompetitorbecauseofitspower to transcend all others Too often we privately criticize ourselvesattacking both our decisions and behavior By and large this self-criticism isdetrimentaltoourwell-beingbluntingourabilitytogrowandevolve

Rule1isavariantonthegoldenrule--treatyourselfasyouwishforotherstotreatyouwithkindnessandpatiencewithgraceandcompassionThisisnrsquotto say that self-criticism doesnrsquot have its place -- it does as guilt and self-examinationareworthyassetsontheroadtoself-discoveryButtoooftenourprivateself-judgmentservestolessennotliftupoursenseofself

RulesforLivingwithYourself

Rule4LiveinthePresentRule5FocusontheProcessRule6PauseRule7LaughRule8CreateNewHabits

YearsagoIreadthefollowingquoteldquoNotonepersonin10000canliveinthe presentrdquo The quote intrigued me and has generated years of self-thoughtaboutboththemeaningofthatphraseandtheenormouschallengeofdoingsoRules 4 and 5 urge us to focus on themoment however impossible thatmayseemAndRules67and8offerusapathwayforwhattodowhenconfrontedbyanxietyandfrustration

ldquoYouaretodaywhereyourthoughtshavebroughtyouyouwillbetomorrowwhereyourthoughtstakeyourdquo

--JamesAllen

Life presents no shortage ofmoments inwhich to employ these five ruleseachaimedathelpinguslivewithourselves

RulesforLivingwithOthers

Rule9RespectPPIs(PersonalPreferenceItems)Rule10AvoidUSSs(UnsolicitedSuggestions)Rule11ListenRule12BeKindtoOthersRule13HelpOthers

Feelfreetoskipthissectionifyou1livealone2neverinteractwithotherpeopleand3havenoplansforengagingwithothersFortherestofyouyoursquollprobablyenjoyRules9and10whichaddressrespectandpersonalpreferences

Thisgroupofrulesalsoincludesoneofmyfavoriteslisten(11)Itrsquosquitepossible that listening is themost important human skill that is never taughtMoreaboutthislater

RulesforMakingGoodDecisions

Rule14ListenToYourHeartRule15TakeRisksRule16YoursquoreFreeToChangeYourMindAtAnyTimeRule17WelcomeMistakes

ldquoWefindithardtobelievethatotherpeoplersquosthoughtsareassillyasourownbuttheyprobablyarerdquo

--JamesRobinson

Regardless of what kind of decision yoursquore making these four rules willeasilyapplyRules14and15aredesignedtohelpyouwhileyoursquoremakingyourdecisionRules16and17willguideyouafteryoursquovemadeyourdecisionMyfavorite from this set is Rule 16 (Yoursquore Free to ChangeYourMindAtAnyTime)Itrsquosoneofthemostpopularrulesinourhouse

RulesforAchievingYourGoals

Rule18ZerotoOneRule19BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20SetGoalsNotExpectations

Ifyoursquorethekindofpersonwhosetspersonalgoalsyoursquollenjoythesethreeplusadetailedintroductorysectionwhichdescribesthesixmajortenetsofgoal-settingdrawnfrom theworldrsquos leadingexpertsRules18and20aredesignedforusebeforeyousetyourgoalsinstoneAndthentherersquosmypersonalfavoriteRule19 (BeFirmYetFlexible)which I seem tousedailyboth toguidemydecisionsandactionsandre-establishbalanceinmylifeWhateveryoudodonrsquotmissRule19

TheFinalRule

Rule21QuestionAllRules

Some years ago we taught our daughters an important life rule -- ldquoSeekForgivenessNotPermissionrdquo -- on the condition that theywould never use itagainst us I still love that rule and use it frequently (as do our daughters)becauseitunderscorestheessenceofRule21QuestionAllRules

Lifeisfilledwithaplethoraofrules--fromgrammarrulesandunionrulestodrivingrulesandtaxrulesjusttonameafewIrsquomnotabigfanofrules(makingitallthemorecuriouswhyIwroteabookentirelyaboutrules)whichiswhyIenjoyRule21

Toooftenweareaskedtofollowrulesofquestionablelogic(ldquoIrsquomsorrysirbutthatrsquosjustourpolicyrdquo)andsoonoursenseoffairnessispiquedIsupposethatonecouldsimplycomplyandacquiesce to the torridstreamof rules thatrunour lives Iprefernot Iassume theposition thatchallengingrules ismorethananoptionitrsquosanobligationaresponsibilitySoasyoureadthroughthese21offeringspleasequestionthematwill

ldquoAlltrulywisethoughtshavebeenthoughtalreadythousandsoftimesbuttomakethemtrulyourswemustthinkthemoveragainhonestlytilltheytakerootinourpersonalexperiencerdquo

--JohannWolfgangVonGoethe

Goodnessknowsourdaughtersdo

RulesThatSoothe

MyhopeisthatwithinthesepagesyouwillfindaruleortwothatbothsuitsandsoothesThetruthiswecanre-writeourpersonalscriptswecanthinknewthoughtswecanchoosewhatwethink

So if yoursquove ever been angry frustrated upset overwhelmed conflictedworried agitated furious frantic uneasy perturbed anxious nervous tenseapprehensiveboredannoyedbeleagueredorstressedlikemethenthisbookisforyou

Enjoy

SloppyThinkingldquoSloppythinkinggetsworseovertimerdquo

--JennyHolzer

1 I remember taking inspiration from a small mistake made by Helen Hunt at the Academy AwardspresentationsomeyearsagoShebeganbyfirstmispronouncingthenmissingentirelyawordortwoFiveseconds intoherpresentationshepolitelypausedandsaidldquoLetrsquosstartagainrdquoAndsoshedidNoonecriticizednooneblinkedSmoothlyandwithoutfanfareshesimplydecidedtoldquostartoverrdquoteachingusallhowsimpleitcanbetobeginagain

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1

BeKindToYourself

ldquoAccepteverythingaboutyourself--ImeaneverythingYouareyouandthatisthebeginningandtheend--no

apologiesnoregretsrdquo--ClarkMoustakas

Tobeginashortquiz

Name the threepeoplewithwhomyouhavespent themost time in the lasttwo years Feel free to place the book aside as you contemplate the answerWersquollwaitHmmmhmmmhmmm

ldquoItisofpracticalvaluetolearntolikeyourselfSinceyoumustspendsomuchtimewithyourselfyoumightaswellgetsomesatisfactionoutoftherelationshiprdquo

--NormanVincentPeale

NorushTakeyourtime

OurquizofcourseisabitoftomfoolerybutitsanswerisanythingbutThepersonwithwhomyouspendthemosttimemoment-inmoment-out(noneedtojotthisonedown)isyouThepointistranslucentwhenitcomestokindnessweoftenneglectthepersonwithwhomwespendallofourtime

Whyisthat

TheworldrsquosuniversalmessageistotreatotherskindlytoavoidcriticismandblametoimpartloveandunderstandingWersquoreencouragedtoextendourselvesonalloccasionstobestowcompassionandgenerosityonourfellowtravelersinhopes that theywill treat us in kind Sowhy pray tell dowe abandon thesepreceptswhendealingwithourselves

Youmayhaveheardthepopularmaxim

ldquoThepeoplewelovethemostaretheoneswecriticizethemostharshlyrdquo

TheadagereflectsourparadoxicalfamilylifebutitalsoappliestoourmostintimaterelationshiponewhichweoftenfailtocultivateandnurtureWhenwasthe last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled You smile atothers donrsquot youWhy not smile at yourselfWhy do we treat others morekindlythanourselves

ldquoKnowthatyouareyourgreatestenemybutalsoyourgreatestfriendrdquo

--JeremyTaylor

Rule1turnsacenturies-oldproverbintoamodern-dayadage

Dountoyourselfasyouwishforotherstodountoyou

Welongforothers to treatusgently toforgiveourmissteps tounderstandourfailingsandtoshoweruswithloveIfweaskthisofotherswhynotaskitofourselves

ldquoYouyourselfasmuchasanybodyintheentireuniversedeserveyourloveandaffectionrdquo

--Buddha

Lest we relegate self-criticism to the back shelf letrsquos acknowledge thatanimadversionhasitsplaceforaproperdoseofintrospectionandself-critiqueoftenleadsustoactresponsiblyButtakentoextremesself-criticismbecomesanaggingnegativeforcewhichoftenchipsaway(sometimeseatsaway)atourself-confidenceandgoodnature

Rule1carriesagentlemessage--whendealingwithyoubekind tendercompassionate patient thoughtful caring and loving Rule 1 says to treat

yourself as you would a close friend -- by listening with compassion byacceptingmistakesbybeingacalmvoiceinatroubledseaandbyusingwordsthatsoothe(notcriticize)whenyoursquoreupset

So be kind to yourself And remember that the person to whom yoursquoredirectingthiskindnesswillappreciateitGuaranteed

Challenge1ATreatYourself

WhywaitforyourbirthdayItseemsfashionableoflatetomakegiftlists for every occasion not just birthdays Why not create one of yourown

Gillian Butler amp Tony Hope authors of ldquoManaging Your MindrdquomaintainthatldquogivingyourselftreatsisaskillthatneedstobedevelopedrdquoThefirststepldquoTogiveyourselfpermissiontohavetreatsrdquoButlerampHopeexplain ldquoTreats bring pleasure and pleasure is worth having purelybecauseitmakesyoufeelgoodButtreatingyourselfwillalsoenableyouto accomplishmore and enable you to change inways that are right foryourdquo

Theyaddldquo Thewonderful thingabout treats is that theycangivepleasurewellbeyondwhatwouldseempossibleThesecretistochoosetheright treats for you Once we are grown-up life can become so full ofchores both at home and atwork that it is easy to get bogged down inroutineandforgetpleasureItiswhenlifersquosproblemsaregettingontopofyouthatitbecomesparticularlyimportanttorewardyourselfrdquo

YourTwo-StepChallenge

Step1MakealistofthingsthatyouenjoyandStep2Refertothelistasoftenaspossible(forexamplesseeAppendixA)Andherearetwohintstoguideyou

a)Thelongerthelistthebetterandb) Remember to include treats both large (taking a vacation) and

small(egspendingafewextraminutesoverbreakfast)

SeeAppendixAforwaystotreatyourself(p189)

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsDoyoutreatyourselfkindly

ldquoDonrsquotyouthink[treatingourselveskindly]evolveswithage(likeallothergoodthings)Itrulybelievethatwe gain somuchwisdom through experience and it becomes easier each day to practicewhatwepreachtakeonedayatatimeviewlifeasshortetcetcAllthoseclichesthatIheardasachildsuddenlytakeonnewmeaningMyguessisthatnooneofusisaskindtoourselvesaswearetoothersalthoughIrsquollbet(andhope)manyofusarealotkinderthanweusedtoberdquo--MarleyC

ldquoIhaveknown[howimportantitistotreatmyselfnicely]andhavepreachedthattoothersforyearsWhy is it that I have so much trouble doing it myself The old saw is true lsquoPhysician heal thyselfrsquo[Treatingoneselfwellis]somethingtoworkforinsteadofgoingcomplacentlythroughliferdquo--NatE

ldquoItrsquosatoughquestionLatelytherehasbeenalotofactivityinourlivesandwejustarenrsquotgettingyounger I believe we are just as critical of ourselves as always However speaking for myself I findmyselfrealizingthatIhavedonemybestandlettingmyselfgetoffalittleeasierthaninmyyoungerdaysIntheolddaysIwouldworkuntilthejobwasfinishedinaccordancewithmyownhighpersonalstandardsTodayIwillpushmyselfhoweverwhenIstartfeelingthewearandtearIevaluatewhereIamandtakethetimetogetthebatteriesrechargedSomeoldmilitaryexpressionsthatdescribethisfeelingare

lsquoFoughtandlivedtofightanotherdayDiscretionisthebetterpartofvalorrsquo

ldquoSoinsummaryItreatmyselfwithalittlemorekindnesssoIcanreturnandgetbackinthefraythenextdayTorevertbacktotheolddayswouldbedetrimentaltoonersquoshealthTakingatimeoutisnrsquotbaditrsquossortoftreatingyourselftokindnessPerhapsitrsquosasignofoldagebutIhavelearnedtoappreciatethesimpler thingsof life such as a dinner at homewith all of the familymembers in attendance attending

churchservicesasafamilydininginordiningoutwithsomegoodfriendsspendingadaywithsomeoldfriendstodiscusslifeingeneralrdquo--DaveR

LovingYourselfldquoIf you arenrsquot goodat loving yourself youwill have a difficult timeloving anyone since yoursquoll resent the time and energy you giveanotherpersonthatyouarenrsquotevengivingtoyourselfrdquo

--BarbaraDeAngelis

Rule2

HaveFunAnytimeAnywhere

ldquoNowandthenitrsquosgoodtopauseinourpursuitofhappinessandjustbehappyrdquo

--GuillaumeApollinaire

Whodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

The question brings to mind a memorable line from The Four Seasons amovie in which old friends bid to re-connect Following a tense moment ofrelational frictionCarolBurnett turns toher friendsandasksldquoArewehavingfunyetrdquo

ldquoFunisagoodthingbutonlywhenitspoilsnothingbetterrdquo

--GeorgeSantayana

ThequestionthoughplayfulcarriesananswerofconsiderableconsequenceforhowisitthatweachievefunWhodecideswhenwersquorehavingitAndmoreimportantlyhowdoesoneacquireit

Firstandforemost itrsquos important toembracethenotionthathavingfunisaskillone thatwecanbothcultivateandnourishSomeofcoursebelieve thatthe skill is innate but I beg to differ Having fun is no different thanhandwritingwebdesignhopscotchorgolf theyrsquoreallworthdeveloping (yesevenhopscotch)Buthow

Challenge1WhereDoesFunLive

Our first challenge is to findoutwhere fun livesBasedon lifersquosunwrittenrules fun is reserved for special places (eg beaches theaters golf coursesamusement parks and restaurants) and special occasions (eg weddingsbirthdaypartiesandvacations)

WhatdoesyourfunprofilelooklikeWheredoyouexperiencethemostfunChances are that your fun profile will reveal consistent patterns of peopleplaces and activities The trick of course is to find ways to expand youruniversetonewvenues--egwaitingintrafficcleaningoutthegaragepayingthebillsordoinghomework

ldquoPeoplearegoingtobemostcreativeandproductivewhentheyrsquoredoingsomethingtheyrsquorereallyinterestedinSohavingfunisnrsquotanoutrageousideaatallItrsquosaverysensibleonerdquo

--JohnSculley

Imagine just for a moment if you were capable of having fun anywhereanytimenomatterthetask

Yoursquore laughingnowIcanhearyouYoursquore thinkinghowabsurd to thinkthatfixingaflatwaitinginlineortalkingtoatelemarketeratdinnertimecanbeenjoyable Perhaps But if you take amoment to examine the concept yoursquollsoonseethepossibilities

Challenge2WhoDecidesWhenYoursquoreHavingFun

LogicwoulddictatethatyouandyoualoneareincontrolthatyoumakethecallDonrsquot bedeceivedThe externalworld -- the institutions that speak tousand thepeoplewhocontrol them --plays amajor role in shapingourviewofldquofunrdquoCaseinpointHollywoodAndafterawhileitrsquossafetoassumethatourinternalthoughtsbegintoconformtothesenotions

HowthendowefightthewaveHerersquosoneapproach

Step1ObserveYourFZs

Beginbyexploringyourfunzones(FZs)thatistheactivitiesandplacesthatyou associate with fun The key is to observe your thought patterns becausethoughtsnotplacesarewhatcreatetheldquofunrdquoexperience

Step2Understand

Itrsquos important to remember that changing onersquos thought habits can be bothdifficultandfrustratingsopatienceisinorderThekeytoanypersonalchangeis observation awareness and perspective But it takes time So be kind toyourself(Rule1)andpatientwithyourprogressDonrsquotdemandtoomuch

ldquoEventheworstofjobshastheirpleasuresifIwereagravediggerorahangmentherearesomepeopleIcouldworkforwithagreatdealofenjoymentrdquo

--DouglasWilliamJerrold

Step3TheGrandThoughtExperiment

Nowthefunpart--theGrandThoughtExperimentThenexttimeyoursquoreinaUFZ (Unauthorized Fun Zone) be it a fixed thought track or an undesirableplacetrytomoveyourthoughtseversogentlyinapositivedirection

UFZs surround us Each day we encounter traffic jams hostile bossescheckout lines family conflicts household chores and disgruntled workassociatesAndalltoooftenwhenweenteraUFZwetriggerthesameseriesofnegativethoughtsnegativeimpressionsInsodoingwemissanopportunitytore-program

Herersquosoneofmyfavoriteexamples

Itrsquos moving day and yoursquore thoroughly exhausted from weeks ofpreparation and transition The moving crew is pulling out after fourgrueling hours of unloading Boxes are everywhere Stress level andpersonalfatiguehavereachedepicproportions

Thephoneringsandyoursister-in-lawasksyouhowyoursquoreholdingupMoments lateryouutter thoseunmistakablewords --ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquo

Themessage thoughsubtle isclearwhen theboxesareawaywhenthekitchendrawersarelinedwhenthedrapesareupwhenthegarageisorganizedwhentheworkbenchisreadyforuseTHENIrsquollbehappyAndnotamomentsooner

ThetelltalephraseofcourseisldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

WaitinginanIllusion

Hardaswetrytoenjoythemomentwersquoreforeverwaitingtoenjoyourselveswaiting tohave funwaiting tocomplete theperceiveddrudgery toexperiencethatldquohappymomentrdquosomewheredowntheline

ldquoPeoplerarelysucceedunlesstheyhavefuninwhattheyaredoingrdquo

--DaleCarnegie

DonrsquotwaitWaitingisanillusion

Imagine that yoursquore on your way home after a long day Suddenly itrsquosbumper to bumper traffic and that happymoment that yoursquove dreamt about isslipping away The point is transparent -- yoursquore free to enjoy themoment athandTherersquosnoneedtowait

OrsayyoursquorehomeanxioustocurluponthecouchwithagoodbookwhenyourememberthechoresthatawaitSoyouthinkldquoAhhhoncethosechoresarefinishedthenIrsquollbehappyrdquo

DonrsquotwaitDonrsquotwaittobehappy

WespendanenormouspartofourmentalliveswaitingtobehappywaitingforthathappymomentWhatrsquossostrangeisthatmanyofthesehappymomentsnevermaterializeandwhentheydotheyoftendisappointSodonrsquotwait

InsteadstartturningUFZsintoFZsAndremember

diamsItrsquospossibletobeginenjoyingyournewhomefromthemomentyoustepinside

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymowingthelawnfixingtheshelfandrepairingtheleakinthefaucet

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy making a late-night run to the market even ifyoursquoretiredandcrankyandarereadyforbed

ldquoTheultimategoalofamoreeffectiveandefficientlifeistoprovideyouwithenoughtimetoenjoysomeofitrdquo

--MichaelLeboeuf

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoypreparingforamajorpresentationorgoingtoyourannualphysical

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymulchingtheyardhoweverintentyoumightbeonplantingthenewflowersand

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy thewriting process evenwhen yoursquore endlesslystuckinmentaltraffic

So the next time you find yourself annoyed frustrated disappointed ordisillusionedthinkfun

YoucanmakeithappenAnytimeAnyplace

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIshavingfunaskillIfsoisitnaturallyacquired

ldquoIthinkitisaskillandIstronglysuspectthatitisnaturallyacquiredbysomeanddevelopedbyothersThinkingaboutitinthesetermsforthefirsttimeitseemsandIsuredohopethatbypayingattentiontoonersquospatternsonesurely[can]learnhowtoimproveontheirabilitytohavefunWhywouldnrsquotitbelikeotherbehaviormodificationrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoItrsquosnotaskillbutmoreanintrinsicnaturallygivenabilitythatsomeareblessed[with]SayingthatIdo believewe are able to determine our destiny as to livingbeing in the lsquotimersquo of lsquofunrsquo ormaking thatchoicerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIbelievethatonecanlearntohavefunmorefunifonecangetintouchwithinternalbarrierstosuchenjoymentSometimesittakesexternalhelptoidentifydealwiththebarriersrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIbelieveweallhavethecapacityforfunbutvaryinouropportunityandability(skill)tohavefunIthinktherearemanywaystohavefunandthisvariesfrompersontopersonThereisthefunthatyouhavebecauseyouenjoyanactivityandaresocaughtupinityoudonrsquotrealizehowmuchfunyouarehavingThishasmoretodowithcapacityandopportunityTheotherkindoffunisbeingabletoenjoywhatyouhavetodoandthisIthinkcanbemoreofanattitudeorskillwhichcanbedevelopedovertimeThisiswhereIthinkyour21rulesstarttocomeinsuchasbeingmindfulandbeingabletostepbacktoseetheabsurdrdquo--KarinU

ldquoHaving fun is a naturally acquired state one enters into Fun is individual People have fun in verydifferentwaysEventheseriouspersonmayhavefunbeingseriousFunisdynamicchangingthroughlifeThingsoneusedtohavefundoingmaynotbefunanymoreandotherthingsarenowfunOnceonehasidentifiedwhatisfuntothemonecanimprovetheirabilitytoincreasethelevelorintensityofthefuntheyhave(thatpartmaybeaskill)atanactivityrdquo--VickiH

ldquoHmmmSomefolksdoseemtohavemorefacilityforitoraremoreopentotheexperiencelsquoFunrsquoisintheeyeofthebeholderInnatelycuriouspeopleandthosewholaughoftenseemtofindfuninmanythingsThesearealsooftenthepeoplewhoareseldomboredastheirmindscanbeengagedbyvirtuallyanythingDoesthismeantheyhavealsquoricherrsquobrainscapeItwouldseemthatyoucouldshapefunskillsbyexposingthoselessadepttonon-threateningfunenvironmentsandhelpingthemgivethemselvespermissiontohavemorefunrdquo--JoelR

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIfhavingfunisaskillwhatrsquosyourskilllevelAnd

whatwasit10yearsago

ldquoSkill assessment presently is 90 Ten years ago fun at least for me was more dependent onsituations company demands of time money availability and other external influences I was moreconcernedwithhow tohave fun thanwhat reallywas funAgehasgivenmemaybea little insightandwisdomandhasmademeappreciatethatfunisarelativelysimpleconceptItdoesnotrequireplanningmoneysuccessdemandssituationsorequipmentItrequiresonlythedesiretoexperienceitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoPart I 70 (having fun is a highpriority tome this could explainwhy I have chosen to lsquoplayrsquo for aliving)

ldquoPart II 80 -90Definitely itwashigher10years agoWhyMore responsibilities inbothworkandhome lifeAlso less energy (no I am not getting older) to do the crazy fun thing I used to do and tomaintainthelonghoursdoingfunthingsorsqueezinginasmuchfunstuffasIcouldrdquo--VickiH

ldquoIfIamunderlowstressIcanhavefundoingalmostanythingProbablythesame10yearsagoIfstressgoesupmyabilitytohavefundiminishesrdquo--CarlE

ldquoPart125skillfulathavingfunoneveryendeavorIfinditmoredifficultasIgetolder(whyisthat)YouthiswastedontheyoungOrisitthatmymemoryisselectiveandIseemtoonlyrememberthefunineverythingbackwhenIwasyounger

ldquoPartII--Iwouldsaythat10yearsagomyskilllevelwasmoreatthe35levelrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoMyskilllevelforhavingfuntodayiscertainlyhigherthanitwas10yearsagoButIthinkthisislikethewaterlevelintheriveritgoesupanddowndependingonlsquotheweatherrsquoSomedaysmyskilllevelisreallyhighOthersitrsquosmuchlower(YoursquollnoticeIavoidedtheextendedsimilebyavoidingtheuseofthetermldquodrierrdquo)

ldquoOnaverageIgavemyself lesspermissiontohavefun10yearsagoNowIsometimes lookforFunZonesbyorderingdessertfirst

ldquoIfIweretochartitIrsquodsaytheskillofhavingfunisalineofeverincreasingslopeliketheDow-JonesaveragesItisnotquantifiableasinsettingaspecificvalue(lsquoAllsixyearoldsneedtoreacha17rsquo)Itisrelative The same scene the same lsquofunrsquo experienced by two individuals will bring about two differentreadingsonlsquothefunscalersquoInchildhoodfunisafunctionofsocialsettingandfeelingsecureAtoddlerrsquossquealswill turn tohowls in thepresenceofa strangerAtpuberty the slope increasesagainwith someveryhighspikesThenuponlsquojobacquisitionrsquotheslopelevelsoutagainbutstillincreases(NoteJobacquisitionfollowsfraternitysororityyearsthelastseriousspikesformostofus)Middleagebringsmoreupsandmoredowns(Menopausecangoeitherwaydependingonyourpointofview)FinallymaturitysettlesinThisiswhenyouaresecureenoughtohavefunwheneveryoufeel likeit Finalword theonlythingthatpreventsusfromhavingfunistheweightofthebagoflsquoshouldsrsquowecarryonourshoulders--NatE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

ldquoThisisadifficultquestiontoponderFunasanindividualwouldmeantheindividualwouldbetheonlyonewhocoulddecideifhesheishavinglsquofunrsquo

ldquo Alsodoessocietydictatewhat islsquofunrsquoandnotfunSomesocietiesfindfunin thingswewouldfindalarminganddangerouswhereaswhatwedeemasfuntheymightfindstrangerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIs having fun -- enjoyingmyself I can truly enjoy what I am observing in others -- students in aclassroompeoplehelpingeachotheragreatsoccerbasketballorbaseballmomentetcIamhavingfunatthesemomentsandallIrsquomdoingisobservingothers

ldquoSoooooowhenever Imight say lsquoI enjoyed thatrsquo Iguess I amhaving funanddetermining itmyselfWhen I amwith others and everyone is laughing and being fresh to each other othersmay think I amhavingfunbecauseIamrelaxingandshowingasideofmethatIdonrsquotoftenhavetimetolsquoletoutrsquoIamprobablyNOTenjoyingthosemomentsbutothersperceivemeashavingfunGofigureIdohavefunteasingotherssowhenIamin thecompanyofmybrothermybabysistermystudentsoryou I reallyhavefunrdquo--GailC

ldquoIt depends Sometimes I decide in the midst of something that it is really fun sometimes theanticipationofanactivitybythegroup[Irsquomwith]foreshadowsaneventasfun

ldquoTherecertainlyarebeliefsbysocietyatlargeastowhatisfunForexampletakethebeachIfyoutelljustaboutanyonethatyouaregoingtothebeachtheireyeswilllightupandtheywillthinkyoursquoreluckytobegoingtothebeachtohavelsquofunrsquoYoumightnotbeveryexcitedinsomecaseslikeifyouaregoingwithpeopleyoudonrsquotwanttobewithorifyoursquoregoingtoabeachthatyoudonrsquotparticularlylike

ldquoHopefullyyoursquollhavemorecontroloveryourlifethanthisoryoursquollbeabletogoagainsoonundermorepleasantcircumstancesLotsoffactorsgointolsquofunrsquoandIagreethatfunisoftendefinedbysocietyUnlessofcourseapersonisbrutallyhonestandadmitsthatheshedoesnrsquotexpecttohavefunButinmyexperiencemostpeopleliketoportraytheirsparetimeasfilledwithfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoHowcanthedecisionofwhetherornotoneishavingfunexistwithanyonebuttheindividualindesigningyourownenvironmentevencleaningthehousecanbefunREALLYitjustdependsonhowyougoaboutlookingatyourenvironmentIfyouconstantlyperceivelifeasaseriesofchallengeswithnoopportunityforenjoymentthenfunisnotgoingtobeaningredientofeverydaylifeFuniswhatonemakesofasituationrdquo--KathyD

ldquoIdecidewhenIamnothavingfunItusuallyisnrsquotuntillaterthatIrealizethatIhadagoodtimeIfIrsquomtalkingwithintelligentpeopleIamusuallyhavingfunrdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhatpreventsusfromhavingfun

ldquoIampreventedfromhavingfunwhenIhavetoomanythingstodoIloveitwhenthekidstellmetolsquolightenuprsquoorlsquochillrsquoMyauntalwaysusedtosaylsquoDonrsquotworryaboutthedirtinthehouseItwillbetherein20yearsTake time toenjoyyour childrenrsquo Ineed to remember thatmoreoften in regards to lotsofthingsrdquo--GailC

ldquoIwishIknewThereinliesthecruxoftrulybeinglsquohappyrsquoinonersquoslifeItrsquosnotthatIrsquomunhappydoingmundanechoresInfactIsortofgetabitofpleasurewiththembecausetheykeepmymindoffofotherthingsItrsquosgettingtothemthatsometimesisthelsquotestrsquoBecasuewedonotlikenecessarilythelsquothoughtofrsquodoing thesechorestaskswe tend toput themoffbutoncewersquore into themandaccomplish them I findmyselffeelinglsquogoodrsquoaboutacheivingthetaskorgettingitoverwithAndtherearesomanyoftheselittlesillytasksjobsthingsthatweputoffcleaningthegasgrillpaintingthetrimcuttingthegrassetcrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoThebaggagewecarrypreventsusfromorallowsustohavefunExhaustionhungerpovertyweatherconditionsetccanpreventusfromhavingfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAprivatewascleaningtheflooraroundaconferencetableasthreeofficersdiscussedsexTheCaptainsaidlsquoIthinksexis90pleasureand10workrsquoTheMajorsaidlsquoIthinksexis50pleasureand50workrsquoAndtheGeneralsuggestedthatlsquoSexis90workand10pleasurersquoUnabletoagreetheyturnedtotheprivateandaskedhisviewRepliedtheprivatelsquoIftherewereanyworkinitatallyoursquodhavemedoingitforyoursquoWhateveritisyouwouldnotwanttheprivatetodoforyouhastobeaplusonthefunsiderdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWheredoesfunlive

ldquoFun liveseverywhere exceptKosovoWhereverpeoplecan reflect and laughat themselvesor lifersquosabsurditiesyouhavefunIfithurtsitainrsquotfunPatchAdamshadtheknackforconversionrdquo--CarlE

ldquoFunliveseverywhereanywhereFuniswhatonemakesittobeItisenjoymentoflifeandonersquosparticipationinlifeFuncannotbeobserveditmustbeexperiencedItistheabilitytoappreciatethefactthatwearealiveandwecanmakechoicesFuniswhatitismadetoberdquo--KathyD

ldquoThatreallydependsonwhoyoutalktoandwhenFunformecanbeinmyhouseinfrontofthefirewithabookandsometimeILOVETHATIknowpeoplewhocanrsquotstandtobealonewithoutoneplan

afteranotherFunlivesintheeyesofthebeholderrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAquickthoughtonfun I try tohavefunwithwhateverIdobutI insistonhavingfunwithanyleisuretimeactivitiesortofurtherdefineitnon-workorresponsibilityrelatedIfIamvolunteeringdoingcross-stitch or reading a book I want it to be fun But I donrsquot necessarily define fun as the laughingsquealingkindof activity [instead] I define it as something thatgivesmepleasureAnd Irsquoll try to findpleasure in themundaneeitherby losingmyself inmy thoughts (whichareprobably70present30past)orappreciatingthesimpleactofaccomplishment

ldquoMy friends and family always grumble because I insist on frequently using my good bone chinadinnerwareandsterlingTheyobjectbecauseitmustbewashedanddriedbyhandIhavealwayssaidthatIgetasmuchpleasurefromthesimpleactofwashinganddryingitasIdofromusingitItrsquosbeautifulIloveitand Iwould ratherwashanddry it than let it situnusedandunappreciated inaclosedchinacabinetMaybethisisnrsquoteveryonersquosideaoffunbutitfloatsmyboatrdquo--VickiS

ldquoJollityItrsquosaframeofmindSomepeoplehavefundoingthemostridiculousthingsAndnooneelseseemstohavethesameamountoffununlesstheyaredoinglsquoitrsquowiththefirstpersonrdquo--NatE

Rule3

WorkHard

ldquoWhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoftenthingsIdidwerefailuresIdidnrsquotwanttobeafailureso

Ididtentimesmoreworkrdquo--GeorgeBernardShaw

Chances are if I had composed a list of rules a decade ago ldquowork hardrdquomightnothavecrackedthetop20nolessthetop5Butwitheachpassingdaywitheachnewlifeexperienceitrsquosclearthatworkinghardisthekey--tonearlyeverything Whether yoursquore building a relationship or building a reputationworkinghardistheoneingredientyoucanrsquotaffordtoleaveout

ldquoLazinessmayappearattractivebutworkgivessatisfactionrdquo

--AnneFrank

Not that we stop searching for alternatives Letrsquos be honest wersquore foreverlookingforshortcutswaystoreachourgoalsinlesstimewithlesseffortButastimeandexperienceteachustheretrulyisnosuchthingasafreelunch

Nottosaythatcertainshortcutsdonrsquotdeliver--ATMsfreeusfromlongbanklines and computers free us from retypingourmanuscripts on typewriters and we certainly enjoy remote controls ice makers fast tolls electric canopenersande-mail--eachdesignedtosaveuspreciousmoments

ButtoaccomplishgoalsofsubstancetodeveloprelationshipsthatlasttherearenoshortcutsStillwepursuethemaffirmingthatwedoindeedbelieveinmagic

ldquoNoonecanarrivefrombeingtalentedaloneGodgivestalentworktransformstalentintogeniusrdquo

--AnnaPavlova

If youwatch television long enough or read the dayrsquos news orwatch thefrenzied pace in the corporate world itrsquos hard not to believe that lifersquospenultimate goals are productivity and efficiency The worldrsquos marketingengines drill the message home every day -- if you buy this new softwarepackage thisnewcuttingappliance thisnew31drillkit thenyoursquollnotonlysavetimebutyoursquollbemoreproductiveThemessagegetsstuckinourpsycheandafterhearingthemessageforsay thezillionth timeweactuallybegin tobelieveit

ldquoSuccessfulpeoplearenotgiftedtheyjustworkhardthensucceedonpurposerdquo

--GKNielson

TurntheTideTaketheLongCut

WespendexorbitantamountsoftimepursuingshortcutstomanageourtasksFightbackFacedwithachoicetrythelongcut--whenyoursquoreslicingonionstry using the knife in place of the electric slicer However appealing yourshortcutsmaybeafewmillisecondshereandtherewonrsquotearnyoumuchThetruthisshortcutsareoneoflifersquosmostvisibleillusions

For years I dreamed of having a beautiful garden where flowers bloomedeach month as the seasons passed I chose the shortcut -- I bought a fewperennialsinstalledanundergroundwateringsystemandwaitedfortheflowerstoappearSillymethinkingthatagardenwouldgrowbyitselfNoweachdaythatIworkinthegardenIrecallthesesimplewords

Ifyouwanttohaveagardenyouhavetohaveagardener

Inotherwords ifyouwant tocreateproductsofsubstanceyouhave todotheworkNoshortcutsnoend-aroundsnomagic

AttentionAllMountainClimbers

When it comes to working hard I often recall a phrase composed by ourdaughterNataliesomeyearsagoShewroteldquoYouhavetoclimbthemountains

beforeyoucanwalktheplainsrdquoSostraponyourbootsandremember

diams When you and your spouse are clashing over money work hard tounderstandyourspousersquospointofview

diamsWhen you and your child are struggling over homework and curfewsworkhardtounderstandhowtheyfeelandwhytheystruggle

ldquoIfthepowertodohardworkisnotaskillitrsquosthebestpossiblesubstituteforitrdquo

--JamesAGarfield

diamsWhenyoursquorepreparingapresentationorcleaningoutmemorabiliathathas been sealed for years work hard to overcome the mental hurdlesRemindyourselfthattheharderyouworkthemoreyouwillgrow

diamsWhenyourbossisbeingunreasonablethebasementneedsanewpaintjobthenewbusinessisnrsquottakingoffthewaythatyouhadhopedorthethecarbreaksdownagain

WorkHard

DonrsquotshyawaydonrsquotwithdrawdonrsquotwithholdyourbestforfearoffailingSimplyworkhardandknowthattheskillyoursquoreimprovingisoneoflifersquosmostprecioustreasures

Rule 3 brings tomind a classic line delivered by TomCruise in the 1983movieRisky Business Commenting on his awe-inspiring vehicle Cruise saidldquoPorschetherersquosnosubstituterdquo

SoitiswithhardworkThereisnosubstitute

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

Theauthoraskedhisfriends

Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

ldquoThisisoneofmyall-timefavoritequestionsIbetthatourlifehereonearthwillbeultimatelyjudgednotbyhowsuccessfulwewerecomparedtoothersbuthowwellweusedthetools(talentsandabilities)Godgaveus

ldquoEveryoneisdifferentandthatrsquoswhatmakestheworldaninterestingplaceJuststandonabusystreetcornersitinachairatthemalleatamealinacrowdedcafeteriasitinthestandsataprofessionalorhighschoolsportingeventormyfavoriteplacetowatchpeoplewasdownontheinfieldofahorseracingtrackinNewYorkOrbetteryetwatchpeopleatthebeach

ldquoIimaginethesecondquestionwhenweapproachthepearlygateswillbelsquoHowwelldidwesharethetalents and giftswe hadwith others less fortunatersquoDidwe show genuine concern for othersAnotherquestionwouldbelsquoHowwelldidwetrain(mentor)youngergenerationswithregardstousingtheirtalentsandbeingconcernedforothersrsquo rdquo--DaveR

ldquoMypersonal learnedexperience is that tobegin togetgoodatanything inmy lifehas requiredhardwork and dedication Itrsquos truewhether vocational avocational spiritual relationship-based or just aboutanythingelseIcanthinkof

ldquoAsanadditionalobservationthosewhoadmiretheachievementsofothersfrequentlyoverestimatethevalueofsomeoneelsersquoslsquonaturalabilityrsquoandunderestimatetheworktheyputintoexcelrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoIthinkthatitrsquosterriblyimportanttolsquoworkhardrsquoandIthinkthatmanyofthefeelingsthatpeoplehaveoftheirlifebeinglsquosuccessfulrsquocomefromthesenseofaccomplishmentthatresultsofhardwork

ldquoFormemyfeelingsaboutwhoIamasapersonarestronglytiedupwithlsquowhatIhaveaccomplishedrsquoandwhatIhaveaccomplishedisusuallydirectlytiedupwiththeworkIputintoprojects

ldquoIthinkthatanimportantquestionrelatedtothisishowtobalancelsquohardworkrsquoagainsttherestofwhatlifehastooffersothattheworkdoesnotbecomeanoverridingconsumingpassionrdquo--IleneF

ldquoInmyexperienceitiscriticaltoworkhardinlifeOnlythenwhenwehaveinvestedourselvesdowecelebrateoursuccessThings thatcomeeasilyarenotcelebratedin thesamewayweoftenwonderwhythey even happened I guess itrsquos the old external vs internal locus of controlDid I dowell on the testbecauseIstudiedorbecauseIluckedoutanditwaseasy

ldquoWetakeprideinwhatweworkhardatWereflectasweareworkingandprobablyreviserechargeand forge aheadWe all need a payoff for hard work when we get it (tangible or intangible) we feelsuccessful

ldquoI associate the phrase with all aspects of life -- not just lsquoworkrsquo in the classic sense Naturally weassociatelsquoworkinghardrsquowithlsquoworkrsquothatisourdaytimeactivitiesButcertainlywelsquoworkrsquoallthetime--totakecareofourfriendsandourfamilytomeetobligationsthatcomewithbeingaresponsiblememberofthehumanraceThusmyinterestinthetermlsquoworkinghardrsquohasasmuchtodowithwhatwedoatnightandontheweekendsasduringthedayrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoOneway tomeasurework is ergonomically (An erg is a unit ofwork done by one dyne through adistanceofonecentimeterAdyneistheamountofforcethatcausesamassofonegramtoaccelerateattherateofonecentimeterpersecondpersecond)Noneofthatisrelevantexcepttosaywecanmeasurework

ldquoIf you accept that premise perhaps youwill accept thatwork is akin to effortAnd there aremanyreasonstoexpendeffortItmaybeforremunerationorforrecreationThereasonweexpendeffortmaybetopleaseothersortopleaseourselvesOritmaybeforsomeunseenbutanticipatedfuturerewardAtanyrateIthinkthereisarewardintheresomeplaceElsewhyexpendtheeffort

ldquoHowimportantisittoworkhardItdependsononersquospointofviewItmayhavealottodowiththelens throughwhich one views theworldOr itmay have to dowith onersquosmood at themoment ThereweretimesinmylifewhenitalsohadtodowithhowmuchskillIhad

ldquoIsuspectthatlsquoworkingatsomethingrsquohastodowithrewardWewillobviouslyworkatthingsthatwillhavedirectimpactForexamplethesailoronasinkingboatwillworkhardatbailing

ldquoButforotherthingsI thinkonersquoswillingnesstoworkhardisrelatedtotheirabilitytoeithermakeaconnection to self (lsquoItrsquos important to mersquo) or to make a connection to someone or something that isimportant(lsquoItrsquosimportantto___thatImaketheeffortrsquo)Thereissomesortofpayoff

ldquoIdo think thereare thosewho lsquoworkhardrsquo seemingly forothersThere isnodirectpayoff for themTheyappear tobedoing things forothersMy theoryabovebegins todissolvehereand Idonrsquothaveanexplanation

ldquoWellIhaveprogressedfromPhysicstoPhilosophyallinabout350wordsItrsquostimephormetoendthisphoolishnessandgetsomeworkdoneBecauseitispersonallysatisfying AndIwanttogetpaidrdquo--NatE

ldquoItisparamountIamsurroundedbysuccessfulpeoplewhohavesoldtheircompaniesorretiredTheycrave work The desire to apply oneself in a productive endeavor seems to have a biological driver Itappearstobemorethanameredesiretobeneededrdquo--CarlE

ldquoYouhavehitonanerve(atleastinmycase)GrowingupasIdidinatruelsquobluecollarrsquohomeweweretaught(whatseemsinrecollection)fromthecribthatlsquoworkinghardwillgetyoueverythingyouwantinlifersquoorlsquoworkinghardistheonlywaytosucceedrsquoAndohsomanyotheridioms

ldquoFunny how the word lsquoabilityrsquo was seldom if ever used (at least in our household) in relation todiscussionaboutlsquoworkrsquoorlsquoworkinghardrsquoYetinlookingbackworkinghardwashelpfulinmanymanyinstanceswherewewereluckyenoughtosucceedinschoolourjobsourrelationshipsandinevenlifeingeneral

ldquoBut is it just as critical to have been blessedwith the lsquoabilityrsquo to (a)make correct decisions (b) torationalizeanddecipherinformation(c)tolearnorgrowfromoureducationampevenourlifersquosexperiences(d)toretainandrememberinformation(e)tobeabletocommunicatewellandatthesametimeperhapsevenmoreciriticallylsquolistenwellrsquo(f)tohavefun(yesIbelievesomearemoreblessedlsquowiththeabilitytodojustthat--lsquohavefunrsquowhereassomeofusjustseemtolosethislsquoabilityrsquosomewhereontheroadtolife)

ldquoSee I told you it hit a hot spotMay I go on Is it lsquofatersquo or lsquokarmarsquo or just plain lsquoluckrsquowhen onebecomessuccessfulorwasitaproductoflsquohardworkrsquoOrwasitasItendtobelieveararecombinationofbothonersquosfatecombinedwiththeirlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquothatdeliveredsuchsuccessArewenotalltoagreatdegreea lsquoproductofourenvironmentandeducationalprocessrsquoAnd Imean lsquoenvironmentrsquomorefromthe[perspective]oflsquofamilyrsquofirstandthentolsquopeersandschoolingrsquo

ldquoWhyisitthatmoreoftenthannotafamilywillhaveeitherparent(orparents)beingdoctorsandthentheir subsequent children and childrenrsquos children becomedoctors down the line It has tobemore thanlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquoNo

ldquoI once read an article about a couple [who] adopted two infants from a inner citymother ThiscouplewasabletomovetoaremoteareaoutwestandasIrecallraisetheirtwoinfantsonsinanareawheretheyliterallyhadtolsquohomeschoolrsquothemuntilitwastimeforUniversity[Thekidstook]theirSATsscoredextremelyhighandwereacceptedtoYaleampPrinceton

ldquoGuesswhathappenedBothboyswhiledoingextremelywellinitiallyincollegeeventuallydevelopedproblems with their social skills [and] had difficulty later in their University years Eventually theygraduated andwent on in life but not without a tremendous amount of lsquohardworkrsquo at learning certainlsquoskillsrsquoweoftentakeforgrantedgrowingup

ldquoWere these two brilliant minds No doubt However their lsquoabilityrsquo to communicate was foundlackingTheybothhadtolsquoworkhardrsquotolearnthislsquoabilityrsquoBothasIrecallwentontobecomewelladjustedand[achievedsomemeasure]ofsuccessHowevermypointhereisthatlsquoabilityrsquoisnotalwaysasubstitueforlsquohardworkrsquoorlsquolifeingeneralrsquobutis[acriticalfactor]ingainingsuccessinourendeavorsrdquo-MickeyF

RulesforLivingWithYourself

Rule4

LiveinthePresent

ldquoLearnfromthepastsetvividdetailedgoalsforthefutureandliveintheonlymomentoftimeoverwhich

youhaveanycontrolnowrdquo--DenisWaitley

Daytodaywheredoyouspendmostofyourtime

InthepastThepresentOrthefuture

On any given day in any givenmoment our private thoughts flow swiftlyfromthepasttothepresenttothefuture--aharshwordfromyesterday(past)ismentallybrushedasideaswelistentoacolleague(present)thenwonderaboutwhetheritmightrainatthepicniconSunday(future)

ldquoYoumustliveinthepresentlaunchyourselfoneverywavefindyoureternityineachmomentrdquo

--HenryDavidThoreau

Mentalfitnessexpertslaudtheldquopresentrdquoandurgeustofocusourenergiesonthemoment -- on the personwithwhomwersquore conversing on the taskwersquorestrivingtoaccomplishontheskillwersquoreattemptingtoimproveonthedecisionthatwersquoreabouttomake

Themessage is simple themore focusedwe are on the present themorefulfilling life will be Instinctively we know that this is true because of howgooditfeelstobefullyengagedinthemoment--notbroodingaboutyesterdayorworryingabouttomorrow

WhatExactlyIsThePresent

StayinginthepresentmindyouisnrsquottobeconfusedwithtalkingaboutthepresentImaginewhatadauntingtaskthatwouldbeLetrsquosbehonestahealthychunk of human conversation involves sharing information about the past(ldquoWhat have you been up tordquo ldquoHow was your vacationrdquo) or the future(ldquoWersquoregoingtoaconcertnextweekrdquoorldquoTomorrowIplantostartlookingforanewjobrdquo)

Bycontraststayinginthepresent

means focusing onersquos private thoughts on the moment on the person oractivityinfrontofyou

ldquoYesterdayisacanceledchecktomorrowisapromissorynotetodayistheonlycashyouhavesospenditwiselyrdquo

--KayLyons

means listening to your friend share their daily struggles or your spouseshareherworriesaboutthefuture

means concentrating your energy on preparing the report fixing dinnerlisteningtoyourclient

Our ability to stay in the present of course is perpetually at riskAnd themostchallengingmomentsarethosewhenwersquorealoneWhenourthoughtsstartto drift we risk missing the spendlor of the fruit on aisle 3 the shape of aclipped branch the beautifully turned phrase the magnificent contour of thegreenonthe17thhole

Oftenwhen Irsquom driving I glance at the highest branch on a tree andmydaughterMelyssa says she toohasadopted thehabitThe idea suggested inapassageIreadsometimeago(Icanrsquotrecalltheauthor)forcesustolookoutsideofourdailyframetoseeanewwhatthismomentholds

Melyssa and I often wonder how such a simple change can have such adramaticeffectTheskywardgazealwaysremindsmeofapropheticmomentinthe ldquoDead Poets Societyrdquo when Robin Williams encourages his students tostandontheirdeskstoaltertheirstaticviewoftheworld

MinimizingThoughtDrift

Living in the presentmeans attending to the task at hand to the person oractivity before you It means minimizing thought drift in order to take fullpleasureinallthatliesbeforeyouLetrsquosbehonestwhenyourminddriftstothatawkward social encounter donrsquot you lose your ability to enjoy this currentmoment

We are thoughtful creatures alternatively worrying judging imaginingjustifying evaluating planning fantasizing problem-solving lamentingcreatingandscrutinizingInthemixingbowlofthoughtsitrsquosawonderthatwecankeepourattentionfocusedonanysingletaskforanymeaningfullengthoftimeYetattentioniskeyinourquestforfulfillmentandlifesatisfaction

ldquoFinisheachdaybeforeyoubeginthenextandinterposeasolidwallofsleepbetweenthetwoThisyoucannotdowithouttemperancerdquo

--RalphWaldoEmerson

Eachofuslearnsatourownpacethatthemoretimeweinvestinthepresent-- themore timewespend lookingat facesand flowers -- the richerour livesbecome

ItseemstritetosaybutwelivelifeinthepresentCertainlywelearnfromthepastandyesitseemsprudenttoplanforthefutureButinthefinalanalysisourlifejourneyiscomposedofacontinuousstringofldquopresentsrdquoandwhenourthoughtsdriftaheadorbackweloseapreciouspiece(orpeace)oflifersquospuzzle

Itrsquosbeensaidthatonein10000canconsistentlystayinthepresent

Mayyoubetheone

Challenge4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent

Whenyourthoughtsbegintodriftinwaysthatyoudefineasunhealthytrythesethreesimplesteps

Step1ExaminetheThought(E)AskyourselfamIdriftingtothepastorthefuture

Step2StoptheThought(S)Makeaconsciousdecisiontostopthethoughtsequence

Step3ReturntothePersonorTask(P)Makeaconsciousdecisiontorefocusyourthoughtsonthepersonwith

whomyoursquoretalkingontheactivityinwhichyouarecurrentlyengaged

Caution When employing E-S-P please donrsquot expect quick resultsChances are that the thought sequence you momentarily dismissed willsoon reappear cycling back into your conscious thought pattern DonrsquotdespairSimplyobservehowoftenandwithwhatintensityitreturns(itrsquosreasonable to imagine that our thoughts have a half-life -- much likenaturersquoschemicalcompounds--andthattheirpersistenceislinkedtotheiremotionalchargethusastimegoesonthechargelessensandthethoughtsequenceonceomnipotentbeginstoweaken)

The key to E-S-P Awareness and desire -- that is becoming moreawareofyourthoughtpatternsandexhibitingadesiretoalterthem

PlaguedbythoughtdriftTryE-S-PAlternativelytakemeaningfromthisbrilliantquoteonehousedonmyfriendrsquosansweringmachine(thanksJerry)

ldquoThePastisHistoryTheFutureisaMysteryThisMomentisaGiftThatiswhywecallitthePresentrdquo

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentvsthepast

vsthefuture

ldquo85presentwithlotsofpastandfastforwardingandthelsquopresentrsquoasthepausebuttoninbetweenrdquo--JoelR

ldquo45 Present 10 Past 45 Future Tome tomorrow is really the present itrsquos what I am alwayspreparing forSomypresent is reallymy future tooAs soon asyou are awareof thepresent itrsquos nolongerthepresentitrsquosthepastandyouareinthefuturerelativetoitrdquo--GailC

ldquoPast10(notworthmuchthoughtmoveonexperiencemore)Present50(canbegreatgoodneutral and terrible either way you are stuck with it) Present is what one has at hand that cannot bechangedreadilyiethejobyouhavethesignificantotherthehousethatneedspaintingallthosethingsoneplannedfor(ordidnrsquot)whenitldquowasrdquothefutureFuture40(thinkingofthefutureishowIkeepmysanityThefutureishowIdreamitupthewayIwantittobe)rdquo--VickiH

ldquoPresent30Past20Future50ThepresentiswhatyouareexperiencingatthatmomentYoursurroundingswhoyoursquorewithandwhatyoursquorethinkingrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoPresent50Past35Future15CanrsquotdefinethepresentinPTTbecauseyourPTscansometimesbesooverwhelmingthatyouthinkyouhavebeenthinkingforhoursanditrsquosjustbeenminutesandyoursquovetraveledallovertheplaceinyourmindYoursquovebeeninthepastpresentandfutureofyourmindinthattimeperiodrdquo--CaroleE

ldquo20Past40Present40Future(doesthismeanIamanoptimist)Whatoneisthinkingaboutinthepastisimportant--isitpleasantlyrelivingthepastorruminatingaboutmistakesorunpleasanteventsItendtoconnectthepresenttowhatmightbeaheadrdquo--MarleyC

HowoftendoyousayldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

ldquoAlwaysSometimestheanticipationisgreaterthantherealizationofsomethinganddoingthelsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquoaidsinimaginingwhatthatsomethingmightlooklikehowitwillgowhattheendresultmightbeItalsogivesmeagreatlifttoanordinarymundanelsquoconsistentrsquodayrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoNotoftenlsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquosuggeststhatallenjoymentsuccessfulfillmentetcloomssomewhereoverthehorizonIlikeNOW

ldquoThewholeconceptof lsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquo tomesuggests lsquotime freezersquo Ifwe livecontinually ina stateofanticipationwe fail tonotice theeventsof themomentSince there isneveraguaranteeofhappinessorsuccess or fun or anything else in the future (life is too serendipitous for that) then living in a state ofperpetual anticipation precludes having the opportunity to enjoy the present Looking backwards todeterminewhetherornotyouhavehadfunmayofferaclearviewoftheeventbuttheinternalenjoymentofthemomentisovershadowedbylsquothingsyettocomersquotheanticipationoflsquohavingfunrsquocannotcomparetheactualityofitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoWheneverIhaveanlsquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrsquomomentIimmediatelyruinitwiththenegativesthattagalong Icanrsquotwait togo toSanDiegofor8daysWill thedogbeOKin thecareof thekidsWill Ibestressedfromrelaxingetcrdquo--GailC

Wheredoyouspendyourmentaltime

ldquoHumanmomentsIspendabout10ofmytimemusing20thinking20conversing(moreduringtheschoolyear)20listening(40interactingwhichisacombinationofconversingandlistening)and30sleepingorbeingmindlessDreamsoverlapwiththeothercategories

ldquoIhadadebatewithastudentlastweekaboutwhetherornotthebraincandomorethanonethingatatimeWeagreed that thebrain can stimulatemore thanone activity at a time -- seeinghearing tastingtalkingetcallatonetime--butthebraincanonlybeawareofoneatatimerdquo--GailC

ldquoHumanMoments (not like a seniormoment right)Musing 5 conversing 40 thinking 30listening30interacting40acting(asindrama)25ofthe40conversingandthe40interactingAtleastthatmuchofthattimeisactingwhenIambitingmytonguenottotellsomeone(usuallyaclient)exactlywhatIthinkofwhattheyjustsaiddidorwhatIthinkoftheirlevelofintelligenceTherestofthetimeistherealme

ldquoI definitely prefer listening thinking observing over interactingwithmost people acting as inphysicallydoingsomething50to60 ThisanswercouldgoonforeverthemoreIthinkaboutit--soIwillspareyourdquo--VickiH

ldquoHardtoputnumberstoyourcategorieswithoutlotsofthoughtbutIrsquollgiveafirstguesstimatemusing4conversing12thinking20listening16interacting20sleeping28rdquo--AllanH

Rule5

FocusontheProcessNottheproduct

ldquoTakecareofyourminutesandthehourswilltakecareofthemselvesrdquo

--LordChesterfield

It may seem hard to believe but every moment of our lives -- yes everymoment -- is a confrontation between product and process Whether yoursquorepreparingdinnerorabusinessplanplanningaweddingoracorporatetakeoverleadinganeighborhoodfooddriveoracampaignagainst teenagedrinking itrsquosallaboutproductvsprocess

TheproductistheendthefinalstepTheprocessisthemeanstheroadthatleadsushome

TakefoodshoppingTheproductisthatgloriousmomentwhenthebagsareunpackedandthegroceriesareneatly tuckedawayBycontrast theprocess isongoing and entails creating the shopping list grabbing the reusable bagsdrivingtothesupermarketweighingthefruitcomparingcerealpriceschattingon the checkout line leafing through magazines paying the bill carting thegroceriesOKyougetthepicture

ldquoThegoodlifeisaprocessnotastateofbeingItisadirectionnotadestinationrdquo

--CarlRogers

Thepointiswhilewenaturallystrivetoachievetheproduct(bagsunpackedgoodsneatlystoredaway)wesometimesbecomesofixatedonreachingitthat

we fail to enjoy the process In so doing wemiss countless opportunities toenjoyeachstepofthejourney

ButwehaveachoiceThoughitmaynotbereadilyapparentwecanchoosetofocusontheprocesstoenjoyeachmomentnotjusttheendresultWhetherwersquore driving home a business deal or driving homeour daughter fromdanceclasswersquorefreetochoosewheretofocusourmind

WhereDoYouPlaceYourThoughts

Scenario1DinnerTimeItrsquosdinnertimeandtheproduct isthatlusciousmomentwhenyousitdown

with friends and family for a quiet relaxingdinner ready to enjoygood foodandconversationTheprocessofcoursebeganhoursearlierwhenyouchosethe menu bought the vegetables marinated the chicken boiled the watercookedtheangelhairpastapreparedthesauceseasonedthesalad

ldquoIfyoufocusonresultsyouwillneverchangeIfyoufocusonchangeyouwillgetresultsrdquo

--JackDixon

Scenario2HangingaBedroomShelfItrsquosSaturdayafternoonandyourdaughterbidsanhourofyourtimetohanga

bedroomshelf tohousetrinketsandsuchTheproduct is thatrarifiedmomentwhentheshelfisupperfectlylevelandfittostorethenick-nacksTheprocessthoughasimpleonehousesnumeroussteps--findingthetools(formeneveran easy task) measuring drilling inserting (the toggle bolts) leveling andadjusting(IknowIskippedafewstepsButheythisisnotmyforte)

Scenario3PlantingTulipsItrsquoslateOctober--primetimeforplantingtulipsintheyardTheproductis

crystallinetulipsnestledinthegroundwithalightdustingofmulchtoprotectthemoverthewinterTheprocessofcourseismulti-layered--choosingwhichbulbstoplantdeterminingthesizeofthearealayingouttheshapeofthebeddiggingitimprovingthesoilplantingthebulbsandcoveringthem

Attimeslikethese--preparingdinnerhangingashelfandplantingtulips--ourmind tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinkingabout theproduct that isabout finishingThenotion is that ifwemoveswiftly throughthesechoreswecanmoveontomoreenjoyabletasks

Rule 5 encourages us to enjoy seasoning the salad asmuch as eating it toenjoylevelingtheshelvesasmuchashangingthemtoenjoyselectingthebulbsasmuchasplantingthem

ldquoIfyousurrendercompletelytothemomentsastheypassyoulivemorerichlythosemomentsrdquo

--AnneMLindbergh

InshortRule5urgesustoslowdownandenjoythatwhichstandsbeforeusThink about it how many moments of your thought life have you beenpreoccupied with the outcome To fairly answer that question try askingyourselfthisone

ldquoWhen Irsquom engaged in an activity how much of the time am Ithinkingabout theproduct(ie finishingthe task)andhowmuchofthetimeamIsimplyenjoyingtheprocessrdquo

ldquoEnjoythejourneyenjoyeverymomentandquitworryingaboutwinningandlosingrdquo

--MattBiondi

ICanrsquotWait

Letrsquos face it we spend a fair piece of time doing things that we donrsquotaltogether enjoy Wersquore forever telling ourselves ldquoI canrsquot wait until itrsquosFriday itrsquos vacation time thepresentation is finished thebills arepaidthelaundryisfoldedthehouseiscleantheclassisoverthebedsaremadetheweedsaregonerdquoButthemoreobsessedwebecomewiththeproductthelesschancewehavetoenjoytheprocess

ThatrsquosnottosayweshouldforsakepursuingproductsIrsquomstronglyinfavorof settinggoals (seeRules18-20) andworkinghard to achieve them I love awell-craftedplantoscalemountainsLetrsquosfaceititfeelsgoodtocleanoffyourdesktoorganizethekitchentosendofftheproposal toarriveatthehotel toputdinneronthetable tomail inyour taxes to(finally)placethepictures inthephotoalbum

Challenge5A

InSearchoftheHappyMoment

ThinkbacktoyourlasttriphomefromtheofficeWhatwereyouthinkingabout

ChancesarethatyouspentaportionofyourtimethinkingabouttheproductthatisaboutthatldquoHappyMomentrdquo--themomentyouwalkthroughthedoorhangupyourcoatandopenthefridgeforaglassoficetea(orperhapssomethingstronger)AhhhhhhatlonglasttheldquoHappyMomentrdquohadarrived

DonrsquotbefooledldquoHappyMomentsrdquoareillusorybecausemoreoftenthannottheyturnouttobejust that--briefmoments in timethat tooquicklyareoverwhelmedbyaswirloffreshdemandsOnce in thekitchena stackofmail remindsyou that thebillsareoverdueanemptymilkcartonsignalsthattheshelvesarebareandsuddenlytheldquoHappyMomentrdquodissolvesintoaseriesofnewdemandsintoaseriesofnewproductsandprocesses

HerethenisthedilemmabywaitingfortheldquoHappyMomentrdquowewindupwaitingtobehappywe end up telling ourselveswhen that moment arrives THEN Irsquoll be happy and not a momentsooner

SopleasedonrsquotwaittobehappyBehappynowandknowthathappinesssurroundsus ifonlyweopenoureyes

But therersquosahugedifferencebetweenpursuingaproduct and focusingourmindrsquosthoughtsonthatproduct

ldquoOftenthesearchprovesmoreprofitablethanthegoalrdquo

--ELKonigsburg

Dailywearelulledintobelievingthat

Products=Happinessandthat

Process=Drudgery

Nonsense

DoyouknowanyonewhoenjoyscookingIlovetowatchbothmysister-in-law Carole and my brother-in-law Bruce take equal pleasure in the product(bringingdinner to the table)and theprocess -- selecting the recipegatheringthe ingredientscreating thesauce seasoning thepastaand themeatsand the

vegetablesLikemany talented chefsCarole andBrucehave learned to enjoytheprocessasmuchas(ifnotmorethan)theproduct

Thisthenisourchallenge--toenjoythemeansasmuchastheendtoacceptthenotionthattheprocessisnotjustaroadsignitrsquostheroad

WeallknowthatproductsbringuspleasureandrewardusininfinitewaysbutbecauseourthoughtsdeterminewhatkindoflifeweleadwemustfindwaystomorethoroughlyenjoytheprocessImagineifarunnerexperiencedthesamejoyintakingastrideasincrossingthefinishline

ldquoPassiondoesnrsquotlookbeyondthemomentofitsexistencerdquo

--ChristianNBovee

Doesthissoundimpossible

My daughter Melyssa would say no arguing that despite a societalpreoccupation with ldquoproductsrdquo (of both kinds) itrsquos theoretically possible toenjoy every processOf course striving to achieve ldquoproductsrdquo isnrsquot inherentlyevilitrsquosonlyaproblemwhenitblindsustotheprocesswhenitleadsustopicktherosesfromthegardenwithoutevensmellingthem

EnjoytheRide

Religiousmaximsremindus that life itself isaprocess--ldquolife isa journeynotadestinationrdquoAnddailywersquoreremindedtoldquoenjoytheriderdquoNonethelessweoftenforgetthatthebusridetotheamusementpark(process)canbejustasenjoyableastheamusementparkitself(product)ifonlyweletit(childrenonafieldtriparequicktopointoutthatthebusrideisoftenthemostenjoyablepart)

One of my lightbulb moments occurred some years ago on my way toBaltimoretowatchtheOriolesplaybaseballIwastravelingwiththreeofmyfriends when the conversation turned to traffic That particular day it wasbumper-to-bumperandourcollectivefrustrationwasapparent(ldquo weshouldhaveleftearlierrdquoandldquolookatthatidiotcrossinglanesrdquo)MentallyIstartedtorecord the conversation and realized thatmore than 30of itwas devoted totrafficOuch

ldquoLordhowthedaypassesItislikealifesoquicklywhenwedonrsquotwatchitandsoslowlyifwedordquo

--JohnSteinbeck

So I tried a little thought experiment and placed the four of us at a cornerboothatthelocalrestaurantIimaginedwewerenoshingonchipsandsippingmargheritaslaughingandtellingjokessimplyenjoyingoneanotherrsquoscompanyChances are slim as we sat there eating potato skins that the conversationwould turn to traffic (after all we were sitting in a restaurant) Yet here wewere four friends togetheron theway toaballgameconsumedby talkaboutlanechangesandarrogantdrivers

Theproblemofcoursewasnrsquot thetrafficatall-- theproblemwashowwethoughtaboutitNowIrsquollbethefirsttoadmitthatahighwayrsquosvisualcuesarecompellingthatitrsquoshardnottogetriledupwhenyouseemanicdriverstryingtomake their way where no car should ever go but these visual cues need notdestroytheprocess(enjoyingtimewithgoodfriends)evenaswestrivetoreachtheproduct(arrivingattheballpark)

FindingPleasureinEverythingYouDo

Sothenexttimeyoursquoreonalatenightruntothesupermarkettrynottobesointentonreturninghome(product)thatyoufailtoenjoytheprocess--listeningtothecarradiosharingastorywith thecheckoutattendantpassingafriendlywordtoaneighbor

Challenge5BTheCycleNeverEnds

The remarkable part of the Product-Process Connundrum is that the cycle never ends that iseveryproducthasaprocessandinturneveryprocesscanbesubdividedintoanendlessstringofmini-products and processes For example once we decide to marinate the chicken (our latestproduct) an entirely new process magically unfolds selecting the marinade deciding whatingredientstoaddfindingthebrushtospreaditturningthechickenovercheckingbackinanhourortwotoreapplyandsoonandsoforth

Thepointisthecycleneverends--wesetoursightsonaproductandaprocessunfoldsAndonce engaged in the process a new product appears The cycle continues until fatigued fromthoughtwedecidetostopthinkingaboutthem

Andthenexttimethatyoursquoreheadinghomefromworktrynottobesointentonpullingintothedriveway(product) thatyouneglect toenjoythetriphomeImagine the walk to your car as part of your exercise program think of afriendly word to the parking attendant as a bid to connect consider that anendlesstrafficjamoffersmoretimetoenjoyaradiosegmentthatyouotherwisemighthavemissed

ldquoDonotthinkthatwhatyourthoughtsdwelluponisofnomatterYourthoughtsaremakingyourdquo

--BishopSteere

Andthenexttimethatyoumoveintoanewhometrynottobesofocusedonputtingeverythingaway(product)thatyoumissachancetoembracetheprocess-- the memories that flow from unpacking sentimental treasures that warmfeelingfromwatchingfamilymembersworktogetherthedreamsthatflowfromimaginingwhatanewhomewilllooklikewillbecome

GrantYourselfPermission

Believeitornotyoursquoreactuallyallowed--yesyoursquoreactuallypermitted--toenjoyyournewhomefromthemomentthatyoumoveinYoudonrsquothavetowait until the carpets are cleaned or the woodshop is ready or the bags areunpacked The fact is therersquos no required waiting period for pleasure tobegin

Sodonrsquotwait tobehappyDonrsquotwait untiltheproductisachievedFeelgoodrightnowRealizethatassoonastheprocessbeginsyoursquorefree--trulyfreetoenjoyeverypartoftheexperience

ldquoThecontinuousinventionofnewwaysofobservingismanrsquosspecialsecretoflivingrdquo

--JZYoung

Enjoytheprocess

Challenge5CCreatingaTrigger

Ifyouwish to spendmore timeenjoying theprocess try theldquotriggerrdquochallenge Itrsquosnothingdramatic -- it simplyencouragesus tocreatesomeformofvisualauditoryorkinestheticldquotriggerrdquotohelpshiftourthoughtstotheprocess

Creatinga triggerof coursewonrsquotmagically transformyour thoughtsor behavior And no trigger can quickly induce human change -- onlyawarenesscandothatButatriggernonethelesscanhelpusspeedalongtheprocess

A personal trigger might be nothing more than a word (spokeninternally)amovementorasoundAtriggerneedonlyremindustostopfixatingontheproductandbeginenjoyingtheprocessThebesttriggersofcoursearetheonesthatwecreateandthemoreactivethebetterIsupposethat the ideal triggerwould activate all of our sensesBut IrsquomproposingsomethingmoremodestIrsquomproposingatriggerthatisequalpartssimpleandswift

Herersquoswhat I dowhen I findmy thoughts locked on the product Iclenchmyhandintoafist(product)andslowlyopenitup(process)Thehand flexwhich takes all of five seconds remindsme to shiftmy focusfrom theproduct (my fist) to theprocess (my fingers) If I have an extramomentItrytorollmyfingersoutslowlyasifeachonerepresentsapartoftheprocessI imaginetakingpleasureineverystepAndifIrsquomluckymythoughtsbegintoshiftawayfromtheproductifonlyforawhile

If yoursquore thinking about creating your own personal trigger Irsquodrecommend that you 1 keep it simple 2 engage your senses and 3recognize that you may have to change it at some point to avoidembarrassingmoments(clenchingyourfistatthenextboardmeetingmightbeatouchuncomfortable)

Challenge5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself

ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthisreportisfinishedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthekitcheniscleaneduprdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilschoolisoutrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepresentationiscompletedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilIrsquovefinishedpaintingthebasementrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepartyisoverrdquo

Therearetimeswhenwesaythesewordswithenthusiasm(ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntil the show tomorrownightrdquo)whenour excitement about theproduct(watching the show) actually enhances our enjoyment of the process(lookingforwardtoit)

ButmoreoftenthannotthephraseldquoIcanrsquotwaitrdquosignalssorrownot joy The phrase typically flows from frustration from a desire tocomplete the dreaded task so that other pursuits can be enjoyed -- egmusic television eating socializing reading going to the theater orattendingasportingevent

WishingThemAway

Sadly a remarkable amount of our mental life is spent hoping theunpleasanttasksbeforeus(moreaccuratelythosetaskswersquovedecidedareunpleasant)willbedonePrivatelywethinkabouthowgooditwillfeeltobefinishedhowpleasedwewillbewhenthefilingisdonethemailissortedtheproposaliscomplete

Howthendowelearntoenjoythefilingtotakepleasureinsortingthemailtoenjoypreparingtheproposalnotsimplycompletingit

Todoso tomore thoroughlyenjoy theprocesswemust firstbecomeaware of our thoughts and the degree towhichwe equate productswithhappinessandprocesswithdrudgery

Herethenisourthree-partchallenge

Part1Selectone (yes justone)unpleasant task that isa taskyoudonrsquotparticularlyenjoydoing thekindthatquicklystirsupnegative

thoughtsinsideofyou

Part 2 The next time you begin this task consciously decide toldquowatchyourthoughtsrdquothatistolistentoyourprivatethoughtsasyoubegintheactivitythenstartdoingtheactivity

Step3Asyoursquoreldquothoughtwatching1rdquoaskyourselfthreequestionstorevealyourproduct-processorientation

Q1HowoftendoIthinkaboutfinishing(frequency)Q2Howstrongarethesefeelings(emotion)Q3Howlongdothesethoughtslast(persistence)

The good news is yoursquoll have plenty of chances to run theseldquothoughtexperimentsrdquoOrmaybethatrsquosthebadnews

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearhere

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoy

ldquoIfinditextremelydifficulttoenjoycookinglsquoontherunrsquothatisrunninginafterworkandrunningtochangeandgetdinnercookingItisunpleasantbecauseIreallylovetocookbutdonrsquotwanttofeelrushedandunabletobelsquocreativersquoaboutcooking

ldquoAlsoIcannotenjoysomeofthedailytasksthatIhavetodowithmyMother(iegettingherreadyforbed)This hangs overmy head until she is upstairs and in her bed I canrsquot relax and enjoymy eveningbecauseIknowthatthischoreiscomingupCanrsquotexplainitrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoIhatecleaninghouseOhIlikeaneathouseAndIrsquomembarrassedifanyonecomestomydoorwhenIrsquomnotexpectingthemMytoleranceforclutterishigherthanmostmalesSoIallowmyselftoavoidthe

unpleasanttaskofcleaninghouseThereisNOenjoymentinitformeduringtheprocessandlittleafteritrsquosdonerdquo--NatE

ldquoLightlyunpleasantpayingbills (thebestpart iswhen itrsquosover -- itrsquosnot really themoneyspendingaspect itrsquos the choregotta do drudgery aspect) supremely unpleasant counseling out or terminatingemployees(fortunatelynotveryregular)especiallyifothersthanmyselfshouldhavebeenprovidingmoreconstructivefeedbackpriortothesituationreachingthisnecessityrdquo--JoelR

ldquoPhone calls to difficult customers any kind of tax (FedState) preparation delivering bad news toanyonerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoUnsavoryTasksTheonlythingthatIwouldcategorizethiswayisthehomeworkstudyingrequiredformyStatistics(sadistics)classwhichIamcurrentlytakinginmyMBAprogramItisverydemandingandthesubjectmatterisoneaboutwhichIdonotparticularlycareHoweverIremindmyselfthatitwillsoonbeoverandthatthereareotherssufferingthroughitaswellAmethodIfrequentlyemploytogetmethroughthisandotherunsavorytasksistoremindmyselfthatitcouldalwaysbemuchworse

ldquoForinstancedespitethefactthatIhavenointerestinStatisticsIamabletodothehomeworkandpasstheexamsItwouldbeextremelyunpleasantifIwerelessintelligentandnotabletograsptheconceptsofthisrequiredcourseThemostcommonthingaboutwhichIconstantlyremindmyself is that Iamnot inwarItrytorevisitthefeelingthatIhadafterseeinglsquoSavingPrivateRyanrsquooradocumentaryIrecentlysawabout POWrsquos in Vietnam called lsquoReturnWith Honorrsquo Though this does not allow me to lsquoenjoyrsquo anunsavorytaskitgetsmethroughitwithminimalcomplaintrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoNowifIcouldonlyfindthesilverlininginscrubbingtheshowerstallrdquo--VickiS

ldquoCleaningoutthekittylitterusedbyourtwocatsrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIdislikemakingmybedIdonrsquotliketodoweekendchoresegfixingthingspaintingetc--avoidaslongaspossibleIdonrsquotliketogetupearly--doitforbusinessmeetingsortogetMaxtoschoolrdquo--CarlE

ldquoIhaveadifficult timeenjoyinganything thathasbadsmellsassociatedwith itYouprobablydonotneeddetailshererdquo--KarinU

ldquoTheroutinetasksthatareperformedinahurry(cleaninglaundrygroceryshopping)canbeenjoyablewhen not in a hurry Itrsquos not always the task that is unpleasant but the context in which it is beingperformedIthinkthecontextismuchmoreimportantingeneralthantheplacesandactivitiesThinkaboutdoingsomethingroutinebyyourselfwithsomeoneyoudonrsquotparticularlycareforandwithalonglostfriendItdramaticallychangesthelsquofun-nessrsquooftheactivitybecausetheactivityisnolongerthemainfocusCompanionshipcompatibilitylaughtertakeoverrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoUnsavory Tasks totally unpleasant is confrontation of any kind Although I have gotten better athandlingitIalwayshavesickfeelinginmystomachbeforeduringandafteraconfrontationwithsomeoneEvenifitturnsoutOKSomewhatrelatedismeetingorfacingstrangers--lotsofanxietythereunlesstheyaretotallyonmyturfwhereIhavesomeexperienceorexpertiseDonrsquotgetmewrongIdefinitelyenjoypeopleitjusttakesmetimetofeelcomfortableandperhapstrustingofthemrdquo--VickiH

ldquoUnsavoryTasks thinkingofwhat tomake for lunchesordinner I lovemaking the food I justhatedecidingwhattomakerdquo--GailC

PureOutcomeldquoVeryfewmomentsareperceivedaspureoutcomerdquo

--HughPrather

1ldquoThoughtwatchingrdquoisachallengingendeavorbecauseourthoughtstendtoloopasifonaldquothoughtwheelrdquoAthoughtrisesfromanynumberofsourcesquicklypeaksinintensitylaysdormantforawhileonlytoriseagainsomewhatlessintenselythanbefore

Rule6

Pause

ldquoNothingvaluablecanbelostbytakingtimerdquo--AbrahamLincoln

I used to joke thatAmericarsquos urban residentswere all communists becauseeveryone I knewwas rushinrsquo The quip still drawsmoderate laughter but theunderlying themes do not Nearly 30 years after Alvin Toffler pennedFutureShockhispropheciesareringingtrue--lifeisindeedspeedingup

Anditrsquosnotaprettysight

In todayrsquos up-tempo technologically driven society we rush aboutmercilesslyPhysicallywedriveourselves to fatigue traipsingcross-townandcross-countryMentallywedriveourselvestodistractioncreatinganeuralwebof rolesandresponsibility Increasinglyourdesire toarriveat thenextstationstopissopowerfulthatwefailtonoticethefruitstandsandchestnutoaksthatlineourpath

ldquoOurpatiencewillachievemorethanourforcerdquo--EdmundBurke

Howdoweslowthepace

By recognizing that the externalworldwill neitherwait for us nor slow tomeetourneedsMore thanacenturyafterAlexanderGrahamBellrsquos inventionalteredthenatureofhumancommunicationaprofusionofchoicesconfrontus-- voice mail and e-mail cell phones and pagers faxes and wireless InternetconnectivityWe thrill at the soundof awireless connection andpraise the e-

Gods for delivering faster hookups and high-speed data lines But have theyenhancedourqualityof lifeHavewegainedmorethanwersquovelostfromthesehigh-techtreats

Paradoxically many of the worldrsquos technological innovations threaten todissolve the very resource that they sought to create time And from allappearancesnotoolhasyettoappearonthetechnologicalhorizontoturnthattideWhichleavesuswithlittlechoiceIfwewishtodownshiftslowthetempoourbestchanceistoturninsideWeneedbetterfiltersbetterscreensweneedwaystomanagethestaggeringamountof incomingcerebral trafficInawordweneedtolearnhowtopause

ldquoThetimetorelaxiswhenyoudonrsquothavetimeforitrdquo

--SidneyJHarris

CalmingDownTheAmygdala

Brainresearchershaveconfirmedwhatwelonghaveknownintuitively--thattherersquos aphysiological benefit topausingRememberhowyourparentswouldtell you to ldquocount rsquotil 10rdquo when you became angry Do you know why thatworksIthastodowithhowyourbrainiswiredWhenacrisiseruptsroughly10ofyourneuronsarerouteddirectlytotheamygdalayourbrainrsquosemotionalcenterTheother90areroutedthroughthecerebralcortextheldquothinkingrdquopartofyourbrainScientistsbelieve thatwersquorewired thiswayforsurvival that ispart of our brain is designed to simply ldquoreactrdquo even before we ldquothinkrdquo Bycountingto10itallowsthoseneuronsthatfirsttraveledtotheamygdalatore-routeandgothroughthecerebralcortexThatisitgivesustimetoldquothinkrdquo

ACriticalSkill

Pausing is another of those critical life skills that school fails to address(ldquolisteningrdquo tops that list seeRule 11)And itrsquos not the easiest skill to learnPausing is difficult to improvebecausewe live in an agewhichpraises speedandglorifiesproductivity

ButlearningtopauseisworththeinvestmentItgivesustimetoreassessouroptionstochooseourwordsandactionsmorewiselyPausinggivesustimetocatchourbreathphysicallyandmetaphoricallytoidleourengineifonlyforamomentbeforewespeedoffinathousandnewdirectionsApausemaylastjust

a second or two (though aweek-long pause sounds somewhat appealing) butwhateverthelengtheachtimewechoosetopausewegiveourselvesapricelessgift--thegiftoftime

TryitoutThenexttimeyoustepintoyourcartrypausingforjustasecondortwobeforeyouturnontheengineflipontheradioorhookupyourseatbeltPausetakeadeepbreath

And tonight when you slip into bed pause for just a moment before youreach for the book on your night stand Throughout the day try pausing beforeyoudialthephoneorpouryourselfacoldonebeforeyousaynotoyourkids or yes to a volunteer request Soon enough yoursquoll find that simply bypausingyoursquovecreatedspaceforyourselfthatyouneverknewexisted

ldquoPatienceistheabilitytoidleyourmotorwhenyoufeellikestrippingyourgearsrdquo

--BarbaraJohnson

RushingisOptional

Thinkbacktoarecent timewhenyouwererushingaboutChancesare thematterwasnrsquoturgentthatistherewasnomedicalemergencyorlife-threateningsituation The fact is when we review lifersquos moments we find that only ahandfuldemand anup-tempopace aquick reactionor an instantaneous replyNonethelessourpersonalmantraisoneofspeedandhasteandsoonweforgetthatrushingisanoption

So

thenexttimeyoursquorelisteningtosomeoneyoulovetrypausingbeforeyouspeaklongenoughtohearyourprivatethoughts

andthenexttimeyousitdowntodothebillstrypausinglongenoughtohearyourworriesandyourfears

Chances are that if you take the time to pause yoursquoll quickly learn howpowerfulfivesecondscanbe

Tomorrowrsquos pressureswill come soon enoughTherewill be amoment ortwowhen your emotional center is fully chargedWhen thismoment arrivesconsiderRule6Itrsquosaphysiologicalfactthatamomentarystoppageinplay--beita20-secondtimeoutorafullone--willgiveyouenoughtimetoengagethethinkingpartofyourbrainThegoodnewsisthatinlifeunlikebasketballyoudonrsquotrunoutoftimeouts

ldquoInanycontestbetweenpowerandpatiencebetonpatiencerdquo

--WBPrescott

Wellnotexactly

FormoreseeAppendixBldquoLearningtoPauserdquo(p193)

Challenge6ACreateAPersonalTrigger

Todaywill be no different Today yoursquoll saymore than 10000wordsandmakemorethan1000decisionsAndthoughmostwillbeldquoautomaticrdquoa small handful will have a major impact on your self-esteem yourrelationshipsandyourlifedirection

Choose wisely But choose slowly Pausing is always in season butnevermoresothatwhenwespeakandwhenwedecide

Imagine if inside your neural network you were able to build anautonomicmechanismforpausingIfyoubuiltsuchasystemyourwordswouldmore likely inspire than irritate yourdecisionsbasedmoreonintelligencenotimpulsivity

So try creating a mental trigger for pausing that is a system thatinstructs you to pause before you speakAnd pause before youdecide

Yourldquotriggerrdquomightbe

diamsPhysicalplacingafingertoyourlipsdiamsVisualimagingwavesthatcomeshoreordiamsAuditoryhearingavoicethatsimplywhispersldquowaitrdquo

Thetrickistofindatriggerthatworksforyouonethatfitscomfortablyintoyour thoughtpatternandyourmental schemeExperimenthave funbeplayfulThenifyoufindonethatworkstrytomakeitapermanentpartofyourprocessIfyoudothebenefitswilllastalifetime

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowoftendoyoupause

ldquoPausingWhewwhataconceptIfevertherewereapersonwhowasinneedofthisconceptitmustbeme

ldquoRealizingthatandthenmovingonitisanothermatterindeedPratherrsquoswords1arenoteasilyadheredto(formeatleast)ItrulybelieveIamattimesalmostlsquoADDrsquoinmythinkingpatternsIhavereadandre-readPratherrsquoswordsAmstillnotfullyunderstandingthembutwillattempttomakethetwodayexerciserdquo

ldquoWillgetbacktoyouinthreedaystime(hopefully)Sendsearchteamsifyouhavenrsquotheardfrommeinthreedays--MickeyF

ldquoIhavebeentoldthatmeditationmakesusawareofourthinkingasbeinglikeframesinamoviewithever growing gaps between each framethought until it ismore gap than frame PauseAlways insightsseemtocomewhenwelsquodaydreamrsquo--theyseemtorequirethepause(thatrefreshes)rdquo--JohnN

Patience

ldquoOnlythosewhohavethepatiencetodosimplethingsperfectlywillacquiretheskilltododifficultthingseasilyrdquo

--JohannFriedrichVonSchiller

TheMostImportantTalentldquoIfIhavemadeanyvaluablediscoveriesithasbeenowingmoretopatientattentionthantoanyothertalentrdquo

--SirIsaacNewton

1HughPrather in his bookldquoNotes onHow toLive inThisWorld andStillBeHappyrdquooffers tips onlearningtopauseExcerptsappearinAppendixB

Rule7

Laugh

ldquoPeoplewholaughactuallylivelongerthanthosewhodonrsquotlaughFewpersonsrealizethathealthactually

variesaccordingtotheamountoflaughterrdquo--DrJamesWalsh

ItrsquosofficialThestatisticsareinLaughterheals

Three decades of research have confirmed what Norman Cousins knewinstinctively--thatlaughterworksItlowersbloodpressurereducesyourheartrateboostsyourimmunesystemandhelpsyoucopewithpain

As if thatrsquos not enough laughter also improves relationships builds trustamongalliesandenemiesandhelpsconquerfearsandanxietiesAndthoughnophysicianwillprescribe itandnopharmacystocks it itrsquosquitepossible thatadailydoseoflaughterisnaturersquosperfectmedicineanaturalhealer

ldquoAgainsttheassaultoflaughternothingcanstandrdquo--MarkTwain

More than 30 years ago Norman Cousins combined his extraordinaryintuition and courage to stake claim to the notion that laughter is indeed thebestmedicineCousins theorized then proved that a regular dose of laughterwouldremovethecancerfromhisbodyCousinsbecamelivingtestimonytothemind-bodyconnectiondemonstratingbeyonda shadowof adoubt thathumorheals

SinceCousinsrsquopioneeringworkresearcherstheworldoverhaveaffirmedthepower of laughter Countless studies confirm that laughter createsmeasurablephysiological changes in the human bodyA sampling of study results showsthatjovialburstscan

bullRelievepain--laughterhelpspatientscopewithpain--laughterreleasesendorphinsthebodyrsquosnaturalpainkillersbullLoweryourheartrate--ldquoWhenwelaughourheartrateincreaseswhenwefinishlaughingitthendecreasestoarateslowerthanbeforewestartedtolaughrdquobullRelaxyourmuscles--ldquoTensioninourmusclesincreaseswhenwelaughandlessensoncewersquoredonerdquobullImprovebreathing--ldquoIncreasedrespirationfromlaughingclearsoutthedeadspacesinourlungsareasthatnormallydonrsquotgetoxygenatedrdquoandbullBoostyourimmunesystem1

ldquoTimespentlaughingistimespentwiththeGodsrdquo--Japaneseproverb

LifersquosNaturalResource

And the body of research continues to grow confirming what we senseintuitivelythattheabilitytoexerciseourinnerclowndirectlyaffectsourabilitytoenjoylife

StarttoLaugh

Sothenexttimeyoursquoregrippedwithfrustration

oracaseofill-will

starttolaugh

Andthenexttimeyourvoicebeginstosoar

andyournervesbegintofray

starttolaugh

ldquoLaughteristhemosthealthfulexertionrdquo

--CWilhelmHufeland

BuywhimsicalbookswatchfrivilouscomediesVisitcomedyclubsandreadcartoonsMake funny faces in themirrorWhatever your fancymake time inyourbusyscheduletolaugh

Itrsquospowerfulmedicine

Challenge7ALaughingallthewaytowork

Youprobably think that Irsquommaking this up but at one time licensedpsychologist Phyliss Shanken was employed as a ldquohumor consultantrdquo(currently shersquos theDirector ofPsychologicalServices at INTROSPECTofBuxMontwwwpshankencom)Butdonrsquot let that foolyou -- shersquosanexpertonlaughingBelowPhylisssharesherownstoryandinsodoingchallengeseachofustoldquolaughourselvessillyrdquo

Phylissshowustheway

ldquoEverymorning on the way to my office when I reach thetraffic lightatFivePointsPlazaIstart to laughIt takesaboutthree to four minutes to drive from there to my office and Icontinue to laughheartily theentire time Irsquomalone in thecarno one has toldme a joke 91 FM radio is probably reportingdepressing news or guests on a talk show are discussingproblemsintheworldtodayYetIlaughInordertostartmyselfoff Idonrsquoteven try to thinkofanything funny I justbreak intoguffaws Ifpeople inothercarsgivemewide-eyedstares I justlaughmoreAfterallembarrassmentbreedslaughter

ldquoWhydoIputmyselfthroughthischortlingworkoutBecauseI know that according to Dr William Fry a Stanfordpsychiatristwhohasbeenastudentoflaughterforthreedecadeslaughing 100 times a day (about three minutes) is thecardiovascularequivalentof10minutesofrowingJust thinkof

Foreword

ThisbookisperfectformyfriendMitchWilliamswhosohetellsmeoftenstartsreadingbooksinthemiddleIdonrsquotquiteunderstandhowhedoesthatIrsquoveheardhimexplainitadozentimesldquoYesIjustopenthebookinthemiddleandstartreadingrdquo

HonestlyIdonrsquotgetitbutinthiscasewith21RuleshersquodbespotonbecausethisisnrsquotoneofthosebooksthatyoureadfronttobackItrsquosaskip-aroundbookGlancethecontentsenjoythepoignantquotesoneverypagePickitupputitdownDonrsquotmakeitachoreReadingshouldnrsquotbeachorePerhapsthatrsquosRule22

OhanddonrsquotmisstheAppendicesall12ofthemTheyrsquorechockfullofgreatwisdomndashnoneofitfrommeIrsquovesimplygatheredinsightfromworldexpertsandcondenseditforyou

Irsquovespentthebetterpartofmyadultlifereadingself-helpbooksandIfinallyrealizedthatitwastimetoputmyjournalisticbackgroundtouseSothisbookinessenceisacompilationofthewisdomsharedovertheyearsbyself-helpgurusIrsquovejustbroughtitalltogetherforyou

Irsquomhappytosharesomeofmyfavorites(Rules10and19topthechartalongwithAppendixFtitledldquoTheHumanTranslatorrdquo)butyoursquollsoonfindsomeofyourownandIrsquodlovetoknowwhattheyareSopleasesendalonganemail(steveferbergmailcom)toletmeknowAnddonrsquotbeshyIrsquodlovetohearfromyou

TheinspirationbehindthisbookofcoursearethefourwomenwithwhomIrsquommadlyinlovendashmywifeRoe(thisyearwecelebrateour35thyearofmarriage)andourdaughtersMelyssaNatalieandOliviaEachofthemisagiftfromheaveninsightfulstrongintouchmotivatedcaringandwiseIloveyou

AndIlovethefriendsandfamilywhowerekindenoughtoanswermyendlessseriesofquestionsandwhoallowedmetopublishtheiranswersinthis

book(inspecialsectionscallednotsurprisinglyldquoMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsrdquo)Stopandreadoneortwoyoursquollbeimpressedwiththeirinsight

SothankyoutomysisterIlenemysister-in-lawCaroleuncleAllanbrother-in-lawBrucecousinsChrisJillMarnieandSteeve(yesitrsquostwoersquos)andfriendsgalorendashBobbiCordingleyCarlEcksteinGailChmuraDaveRuppGaryMillerJoelAnnReaJoeBrancatelliJohnNelsonJerrySemperKathyDowdKarinUdlerMarleyCasagrandeMickeyFilipponiNatEmeryRonTaylorSheilaFilipponiVickiHutmanandVickiSullivan

IrsquodalsoliketothankJayDeegandesignerextraordinairewhodesignedsixversionsofthebookcoverandimpressesusdailywithhisgeniusAndfinallyaspecialthankyoutomygoodfriendandcolleagueElizabethBushwhotookthetimetoeditthisbookanddelightmewithhercommentssuggestionsandcritiqueSheisaspecialpersonIwisheachofyoucouldmeether

ThankyouforpickingthisbookupIhopethatithasmeaningforyou

SteveFerberCharlestonSouthCarolina

September2012

IntroductionTheWindowampTheWind

ldquoManrsquosgreatnessliesinhispowerofthoughtrdquo--BlaisePascal

Inlargemeasurethisbookisaboutourthoughtsthethoughtsthatourmindcreates and re-creates as we experience life Thoughts are said to be thewindowtoourlivesbutIbelievethattheyarethewindaswell

There is no escaping the notion that our thoughts define our entire humanexperience--theystandbehindeverywordthatwespeakeveryactionthatwetakeand(nearly)everyemotionthatwefeelYetknowingthiswespendbutafractionofourtimeexaminingourthoughtsInsteadwespendmuchofourdayrepeatingtiredandworn-outthoughtpatterns

ldquoThekeytoeverymanishisthoughtrdquo--RalphWaldoEmerson

This book is about changing those patterns about thinking new thoughtsaboutcapturingmorehappymomentsdeliveringmorelovingsmilesCentraltoourthemeisthenotionthatwecanchoosewhattothinkthatweactuallyhaveachoice about what private thoughts to ponder But do we Can we actuallychoosewhattothink

Basedonwhatweknowaboutthephysiologyofthebrain--ie theneuralcompetitionbetweenlogic(thecerebralcortex)andemotion(theamygdala)--itappearsreasonabletospeculatethat1Wehavesomeabilitytochoosewhatwethink (though our powerful emotional centers honed over 40000 years forsurvivalcaneasilyoverwhelmourlogicsystems)2Eachindividualrsquosabilitytoldquochooserdquovariesdramaticallygiventhateachhumanbeingisauniqueblendof

natureandnurture3Weallarecapableofimproving--thatiseachofuscanenhanceourabilitytochoose

DoWeReallyHaveaChoice

AsayoungsterthenateenagerandyoungadultIviewedchoiceasnothingmorethanldquoactivityselectionrdquoInthiscontextchoicemeantdecidingwhattodonextwithourpersonalandfamilytime

ldquoWhatbookshouldIreadnextrdquo

ldquoWhatrestaurantshouldwegotofordinnerrdquo

ldquoWhatTVshowshouldIwatchrdquo

ldquoEveryeventthatamanwouldmastermustbemountedontherunandnomanevercaughtthereinsofathoughtexceptasitgallopedpasthimrdquo

--OliverWendellHolmes

If we are fortunate our lives offermany such choices But the concept ofchoicegoesfarbeyondmereactivities--choiceencompassesallthatwesay(thewords thatwespeak) all thatwedo (theactionswe take) andas Iwill soonarguenearlyallthatwethink(thethoughtsthatfillourminds)

DoWeChooseWhattoSay

OfcourseAfteralltoavoidoffendingotherswithourwordswecansimplychoosenottospeak(howeverdifficultthatmayseemattimes)Eachdaywersquorefaced with thousands of decisions none more critical than knowing when tospeak and in turn knowing what to say The words that we speak haveenormous influence over our lives because they define the health of ourrelationshipsThisiswhywemustchooseourwordscarefullytomakecertainthatweavoidatallcostsspeakingharshlytothosewhomwelove

DoWeChooseWhattoDo

NoquestionIfwewantedtoavoidoffendingotherswithouractionswecansimplychoosenottoact--tositquietlyandobserveandcontemplate

ButOurThoughts

CanwereallychoosewhattothinkIbelievethatwecanIbelievethatitrsquospossibletomoveourpersonalthoughttrackseversogentlyinthedirectionthatwedesireGrantedourthoughtpatternsaredeeplyingrainedandmayindeedsolidify with age But study after study personal experience after personalexperienceaffirmsthatchangeispossible

ldquoLifeistheonlygameinwhichtheobjectofthegameistolearntherulesrdquo

--AshleighBrilliant

Thekeyofcourse isawarenessAfterallhowcanwechangeourpatternsunlessweknowwhattheyare

HiddenFromtheWorld

Byand largeourmentalhabits arehidden from theworldThatrsquoswhy itrsquoseasierforafriendtotellustostopsmoking(physicalhabit)thantostopbeingself-critical (mental habit) Chances are that our friends probably know howmanytimesadaywesmokeacigarettebuttheylikelyhavenoideahowmanytimesadayweprivatelycriticizeourselves

Theworldisobsessedwithimprovingourphysicalhabits--wersquoretoldtoeatamorenutritiousbreakfastexercisethreetimesaweeksleepafulleighthoursa night But where are the comparable preachings for improving our mentalhabits

Yesourmentalhabitsmaybehidden from theworldbut theyrsquorecertainlynothiddenfromusThetruthisifyoupauselongenoughtoactuallywatchyourthoughtstoobserveandanalyzethemyoursquollquicklynoticehowrepetitivetheyare Though each of us considers ourselves unique and mysterious andcomplextherealityisthatourthoughtpatternsourldquoprivatethoughttracksrdquoarequitepredictable

Rest assured just as our neural networks instruct our body to move in acertainway(eg tyingourshoelacesswingingagolfclub)thesesameneuralnetworks instruct ourmind to think in a certainway (eg getting upsetwhensomeonecutsusoffintraffic)

ldquoYoubecomewhatyouthinkaboutrdquo

--EarlNightingale

LetrsquostakeanexampleSaythataclosefriendtellsyouthatyoursquorebeingtoosensitive Chances are that the comment will trigger a sequence of familiarthoughts that leadyou to criticize bothyourself andyour friendThepatternsareall toofamiliar--someoneinsultsyouand inaninstantyourcerebralCDbeginsplayingldquoThoughtTrack25rdquo

OrsaythatapersonchallengesyourauthorityInpopsldquoThoughtTrack41rdquotriggeringawell-wornsequenceofangerandrevengeAndsoitgoesmomentbymoment day after daywe play our pre-recorded thought tracks over andoverandoveragain

Itdoesnrsquothave tobe thatwayWecandeletedislikable tracksandbegin tore-stockthe libraryWecandiscardportionsofour inventoryandcreatefreshnewtracksforthecomingseasonEasytodoOfcoursenotbuttherewardsaresubstantialAfterallasidefromfamilyandyourfriendswhatrsquosmorepreciousthanyourprivatethoughttime

LetrsquosGetPhysical

Irsquoveoftenwonderedwhywespendsomuchtimetryingtoalterourphysicalhabits (eg cutting down on food alcohol or tobacco) but so little on ourmental habitswhywe spend somuch time learning newphysical skills (egguitar tennis yoga computer skills) but so little learning newmental skillsPerhaps itrsquos because our physical habits are public or perhaps itrsquos becausetheyrsquorejusteasiertolearn

Perhaps But imagine the benefits of learning new mental skills Imaginebuildinganinternalsystemwherethoughtscreateconfidenceandself-esteem

Shouldnrsquotwebepayingmoreattentiontoourmentalhabits

CreatingPrivateWordsofEncouragement

WordsareamongmanrsquosmostpowerfulforcesyetweoftenneglecttoharnessthemIrsquomsurethatyoucanrecallamomentinyourlifewhenawordortwo--from a person that you respect -- led you to change a personal decision orperhapsmoredramatically thecourseofyour life Itmayhavebeenasimple

suggestion (ldquoWhy donrsquot you give them a callrdquo) or it may have been strongwordsofsupport(ldquotrustyourinstinctsrdquo)

ldquoEverythoughtwethinkiscreatingourfuturerdquo--LouiseLHay

Irefertotheseurgingsasldquopublicwordsofencouragementrdquobecausewetakethese publicwords and incorporate them into our private thoughts to help usshape future decisionsWe hear publicwords of encouragement not just fromfriends and relatives but from authors and politicians script writers and talkshowhosts1

WhynotlearntocreateourownldquoprivatewordsofencouragementrdquoWhynotstartlisteningtoourselvesItismyferventhopethat21RulesToLiveBywillhelpyoudojustthat

IrecallhowstandingatafuneralseveralyearsagoIstartedtoimaginewhateveryonewasthinkingItseemedthatatthissingularmomentallpettydisputeshaddissolvedalldailyworrieshaddiminishedDuringthisoneuniquemomentitappearedthatwewereallofonemind--sharingthoughtsofloveandwarmthoffriendshipandcompassionYethourslaterintheprivacyofourcarorourhome or our thoughts we quickly reverted to our hackneyed thought tracksthoughtsthatcriticizeandcondemndestroyanddiminish

ldquoThoughttakesmanoutofservitudeintofreedomrdquo--HenryWadsworthLongfellow

Now alone in the privacy of my car I asked myself since theyrsquore justthoughtswhatpreventsusfromcreatingandre-creatingthesamethoughtsthatwe experienced at the funeral If theyrsquore just thoughtswhat prevents us fromcreating themwhilewersquore sitting in trafficweeding thegarden or paying thebillsWhymustwereverttooldpatterns

TheanswerofcourseisthatweneednotAllweneedisanewsetoftools

InthephysicalworldwersquorepresentedwiththousandsoftoolseachcreatedandsoldonthepromisethattheyrsquollsaveyoutimeorincreaseproductivityButrarearethetoolsdesignedtohelpusimproveourmentaloutlookShouldnrsquotwespendmoretimeshoppingforthem

MatchingtheMoments

21RulestoLiveByisonesuchtooldesignedtorelieveanxietyandtensionto diminish anger and aggravation to redirect your thoughts to a happier andhealthierplace

Oneofmyprimarygoalsinwriting21Ruleswastomakeitpracticalthatistoofferspecificldquowordsofencouragementrdquothatyoucouldsharewithyourselfatjusttherightmoment

Whatmomentsarewetalkingabout

diamsmomentswhenyoursquorestrugglingwithlifersquosuncertainties(Rules1-3)

diams moments when yoursquore overwhelmed with anxiety trying to calm yournerves(Rules4-8)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoreinteractingwithanotherpersonbe it a familymember a close friend or a newacquaintance (Rules 9-13)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoretryingtomakeadecision(Rules14-17)

ldquoThenoblestpleasureisthejoyofunderstandingrdquo--LeonardoDaVinci

diams moments when yoursquore creating then striving to reach a personal goal(Rules 18-20) and diams moments when yoursquore frustrated by people orinstitutionsthatremainunwillingtochange(Rule21)

In its simplest form 21 Rules To Live By is a ldquohow-tordquo journal offeringspecificwordsofencouragementforsomeoflifersquosmostanxiety-filledmomentsToo often after reading a self-help book I was left wondering ldquoOK IunderstandwhattheauthorissayingButnowwhatdoIdotocalmdowntofeelbettertofeelmorerelaxedrdquo

With this inmind I crafted each of the 21 ruleswith specificmoments inmindTheconceptwaswheneveroneof thesemomentspresenteditself therewouldbearule--awordofencouragementofguidance--tohelpbringusbacktocentertoeasetheanxietyortheangst

Examplewhenyoursquorestuckinmind-numbingtrafficandyourtemperatureisstarting to rise turn to Rule 4 (Live in the Present) or Rule 5 (Focus on the

Process) Or perhaps yoursquore privately negotiating a career change -- Rule 14(ListenToYourHeart)canhelp

Step1

Mind you the concept of linking words to moments may seem far toosimplistic to generate meaningful long-lasting change Consider then theserulesthesewordsasafirststeptowardsbuildingnewthoughthabitsnewwaysofthinkingaboutourdayrsquostravailsThetruthiswhilelifeisbothdynamicandunpredictable our thought tracks often are not and the more quickly werecognizethisandtakestepstochangethemthehappierwewillbe

ldquoItrsquosonlyathoughtandathoughtcanbechangedrdquo--LouiseMay

Onapersonalnote Ioftenhaveused theserulesduring timesofstressandfrustration and I am pleased to report have experienced notable successNaturally Irsquom not always soothed by just words (intense moments seem tooverwhelmmyability to listen)Butmore thannot theseprivatewordshavehelped my mental outlook releasing my private thoughts to travel in newdirections In essence these rules have helped createmoremental timemoretimeformetodreamandcreateinsteadofgrouseandcomplain

Myhopeisthatasyoureadthisbookyoursquollfindaruleortwothatworksforyou (naturallymorewould bewonderful)My hope is that yoursquoll find a rulethatwhenappliedatjusttherightmomentbringsyouasenseofinnercalmorpeace and lasts formore than amoment If that should be the case Iwill bepleasedbeyondmeasure

This book is not intended as a scientific journal (though itrsquos pepperedwithreferences) nor does it aim to explore the physiology of the human thoughtprocess(itdoestouchbrieflyonauditoryandvisualcues)Insteadthisbookissimplyabidtoofferpersonalwordsofencouragementthatyoucansharewithyourselfasyourmomentsunfold

Why21

Iselectedldquo21rdquorulesforahighlyscientificreasonallthreeofourdaughters(MelyssaNatalieampOlivia)andnowourfirstgrandchild(Emery)arebornonthe21stMywifeRoedeliveredallthreegirlsnaturallythatisnoscheduledC-

sectionsMymotherlovedthecoincidenceofnaturebecauseitwaseasyforhertorememberhergranddaughtersrsquobirthdates--sheonlyneededtorememberthemonth (September February and March by the way just in case yoursquoreplanningtobuyagift)Naturallysincethebirthofourdaughtersthenumber21hasbecomesomethingofafamilyemblemnottomentionthatblackjackismyfavoritecardgame

ldquoThoughtshavepowerthoughtsareenergyAndyoucanmakeyourworldorbreakitbyyourownthinkingrdquo

--SusanTaylor

WhyThese21

Theprocessofselectingthe21ruleswastobesureatouchmorescientificIt involvedmatching lifersquosmoments (eg alonewith our thoughts talking toothersmakingdecisions settinggoals)withspecific rules (it shouldbenotedhowever that the list of 21 is not necessarily in order of importance insteadtheyrsquoregroupedaccordingtomomentstofacilitaterecall)

TheongoingdebatewithinthefamilycontinuesoverRule1ForthebetterpartofadecadeRule1was toldquohavefunrdquo(itrsquosstill in themixdonrsquotworry)MywifeRoeandIstressed this rulebecauseparticularlyon theathletic fieldplayersoften forgot to enjoy themselves Instead theathletic fieldbecameyetanotherbattlegroundofegoandpersonalityToooftenyoungathletesweretoldto focus on winning instead of effort to emphasize aggression instead ofcompassion (no wonder we struggle to build tolerance between races andnations)SoldquohavingfunrdquobecameacentralfamilythemeThefactthatitrsquosbeensupplanted by a new1will likely stir family debates for the next decade ortwo

DonrsquotMissTheseIf yoursquore tight for time make sure you that donrsquot miss these three

passages (some of my favorites) -- ldquoYou Donrsquot Need More Self-Disciplinerdquo (page 68) --TheFirm-FlexContinuum (Rule 19 page169)and--LaughingAlltheWay(page62)

ldquoTheLawofAttractionattractstoyoueverythingyouneedaccordingtothenatureofyourthoughtlifeYourenvironmentalandfinancialconditionaretheperfectreflectionofyourhabitualthinkingThoughtrulestheworldrdquo

--JosephEdwardMurphy

TheRulesThemselves

Herethenisaquicklookatthe21rulesgroupedintosixbroadcategories

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1BeKindtoYourselfRule2HaveFunRule3WorkHard

Asnotedforthebetterpartoftenyearsourfamilyrsquos1rulewastohavefunInourcurrentlistithasnrsquotfallenfar(itrsquosnow2)butthatdoesnrsquotpreventourdaughtersfromgivingusgriefnowandagainTheyinsistthathavingfunisstill1intheirheartsFarbeitfromustodisagree

Butthenew1--BeKindtoYourself--isaworthycompetitorbecauseofitspower to transcend all others Too often we privately criticize ourselvesattacking both our decisions and behavior By and large this self-criticism isdetrimentaltoourwell-beingbluntingourabilitytogrowandevolve

Rule1isavariantonthegoldenrule--treatyourselfasyouwishforotherstotreatyouwithkindnessandpatiencewithgraceandcompassionThisisnrsquotto say that self-criticism doesnrsquot have its place -- it does as guilt and self-examinationareworthyassetsontheroadtoself-discoveryButtoooftenourprivateself-judgmentservestolessennotliftupoursenseofself

RulesforLivingwithYourself

Rule4LiveinthePresentRule5FocusontheProcessRule6PauseRule7LaughRule8CreateNewHabits

YearsagoIreadthefollowingquoteldquoNotonepersonin10000canliveinthe presentrdquo The quote intrigued me and has generated years of self-thoughtaboutboththemeaningofthatphraseandtheenormouschallengeofdoingsoRules 4 and 5 urge us to focus on themoment however impossible thatmayseemAndRules67and8offerusapathwayforwhattodowhenconfrontedbyanxietyandfrustration

ldquoYouaretodaywhereyourthoughtshavebroughtyouyouwillbetomorrowwhereyourthoughtstakeyourdquo

--JamesAllen

Life presents no shortage ofmoments inwhich to employ these five ruleseachaimedathelpinguslivewithourselves

RulesforLivingwithOthers

Rule9RespectPPIs(PersonalPreferenceItems)Rule10AvoidUSSs(UnsolicitedSuggestions)Rule11ListenRule12BeKindtoOthersRule13HelpOthers

Feelfreetoskipthissectionifyou1livealone2neverinteractwithotherpeopleand3havenoplansforengagingwithothersFortherestofyouyoursquollprobablyenjoyRules9and10whichaddressrespectandpersonalpreferences

Thisgroupofrulesalsoincludesoneofmyfavoriteslisten(11)Itrsquosquitepossible that listening is themost important human skill that is never taughtMoreaboutthislater

RulesforMakingGoodDecisions

Rule14ListenToYourHeartRule15TakeRisksRule16YoursquoreFreeToChangeYourMindAtAnyTimeRule17WelcomeMistakes

ldquoWefindithardtobelievethatotherpeoplersquosthoughtsareassillyasourownbuttheyprobablyarerdquo

--JamesRobinson

Regardless of what kind of decision yoursquore making these four rules willeasilyapplyRules14and15aredesignedtohelpyouwhileyoursquoremakingyourdecisionRules16and17willguideyouafteryoursquovemadeyourdecisionMyfavorite from this set is Rule 16 (Yoursquore Free to ChangeYourMindAtAnyTime)Itrsquosoneofthemostpopularrulesinourhouse

RulesforAchievingYourGoals

Rule18ZerotoOneRule19BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20SetGoalsNotExpectations

Ifyoursquorethekindofpersonwhosetspersonalgoalsyoursquollenjoythesethreeplusadetailedintroductorysectionwhichdescribesthesixmajortenetsofgoal-settingdrawnfrom theworldrsquos leadingexpertsRules18and20aredesignedforusebeforeyousetyourgoalsinstoneAndthentherersquosmypersonalfavoriteRule19 (BeFirmYetFlexible)which I seem tousedailyboth toguidemydecisionsandactionsandre-establishbalanceinmylifeWhateveryoudodonrsquotmissRule19

TheFinalRule

Rule21QuestionAllRules

Some years ago we taught our daughters an important life rule -- ldquoSeekForgivenessNotPermissionrdquo -- on the condition that theywould never use itagainst us I still love that rule and use it frequently (as do our daughters)becauseitunderscorestheessenceofRule21QuestionAllRules

Lifeisfilledwithaplethoraofrules--fromgrammarrulesandunionrulestodrivingrulesandtaxrulesjusttonameafewIrsquomnotabigfanofrules(makingitallthemorecuriouswhyIwroteabookentirelyaboutrules)whichiswhyIenjoyRule21

Toooftenweareaskedtofollowrulesofquestionablelogic(ldquoIrsquomsorrysirbutthatrsquosjustourpolicyrdquo)andsoonoursenseoffairnessispiquedIsupposethatonecouldsimplycomplyandacquiesce to the torridstreamof rules thatrunour lives Iprefernot Iassume theposition thatchallengingrules ismorethananoptionitrsquosanobligationaresponsibilitySoasyoureadthroughthese21offeringspleasequestionthematwill

ldquoAlltrulywisethoughtshavebeenthoughtalreadythousandsoftimesbuttomakethemtrulyourswemustthinkthemoveragainhonestlytilltheytakerootinourpersonalexperiencerdquo

--JohannWolfgangVonGoethe

Goodnessknowsourdaughtersdo

RulesThatSoothe

MyhopeisthatwithinthesepagesyouwillfindaruleortwothatbothsuitsandsoothesThetruthiswecanre-writeourpersonalscriptswecanthinknewthoughtswecanchoosewhatwethink

So if yoursquove ever been angry frustrated upset overwhelmed conflictedworried agitated furious frantic uneasy perturbed anxious nervous tenseapprehensiveboredannoyedbeleagueredorstressedlikemethenthisbookisforyou

Enjoy

SloppyThinkingldquoSloppythinkinggetsworseovertimerdquo

--JennyHolzer

1 I remember taking inspiration from a small mistake made by Helen Hunt at the Academy AwardspresentationsomeyearsagoShebeganbyfirstmispronouncingthenmissingentirelyawordortwoFiveseconds intoherpresentationshepolitelypausedandsaidldquoLetrsquosstartagainrdquoAndsoshedidNoonecriticizednooneblinkedSmoothlyandwithoutfanfareshesimplydecidedtoldquostartoverrdquoteachingusallhowsimpleitcanbetobeginagain

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1

BeKindToYourself

ldquoAccepteverythingaboutyourself--ImeaneverythingYouareyouandthatisthebeginningandtheend--no

apologiesnoregretsrdquo--ClarkMoustakas

Tobeginashortquiz

Name the threepeoplewithwhomyouhavespent themost time in the lasttwo years Feel free to place the book aside as you contemplate the answerWersquollwaitHmmmhmmmhmmm

ldquoItisofpracticalvaluetolearntolikeyourselfSinceyoumustspendsomuchtimewithyourselfyoumightaswellgetsomesatisfactionoutoftherelationshiprdquo

--NormanVincentPeale

NorushTakeyourtime

OurquizofcourseisabitoftomfoolerybutitsanswerisanythingbutThepersonwithwhomyouspendthemosttimemoment-inmoment-out(noneedtojotthisonedown)isyouThepointistranslucentwhenitcomestokindnessweoftenneglectthepersonwithwhomwespendallofourtime

Whyisthat

TheworldrsquosuniversalmessageistotreatotherskindlytoavoidcriticismandblametoimpartloveandunderstandingWersquoreencouragedtoextendourselvesonalloccasionstobestowcompassionandgenerosityonourfellowtravelersinhopes that theywill treat us in kind Sowhy pray tell dowe abandon thesepreceptswhendealingwithourselves

Youmayhaveheardthepopularmaxim

ldquoThepeoplewelovethemostaretheoneswecriticizethemostharshlyrdquo

TheadagereflectsourparadoxicalfamilylifebutitalsoappliestoourmostintimaterelationshiponewhichweoftenfailtocultivateandnurtureWhenwasthe last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled You smile atothers donrsquot youWhy not smile at yourselfWhy do we treat others morekindlythanourselves

ldquoKnowthatyouareyourgreatestenemybutalsoyourgreatestfriendrdquo

--JeremyTaylor

Rule1turnsacenturies-oldproverbintoamodern-dayadage

Dountoyourselfasyouwishforotherstodountoyou

Welongforothers to treatusgently toforgiveourmissteps tounderstandourfailingsandtoshoweruswithloveIfweaskthisofotherswhynotaskitofourselves

ldquoYouyourselfasmuchasanybodyintheentireuniversedeserveyourloveandaffectionrdquo

--Buddha

Lest we relegate self-criticism to the back shelf letrsquos acknowledge thatanimadversionhasitsplaceforaproperdoseofintrospectionandself-critiqueoftenleadsustoactresponsiblyButtakentoextremesself-criticismbecomesanaggingnegativeforcewhichoftenchipsaway(sometimeseatsaway)atourself-confidenceandgoodnature

Rule1carriesagentlemessage--whendealingwithyoubekind tendercompassionate patient thoughtful caring and loving Rule 1 says to treat

yourself as you would a close friend -- by listening with compassion byacceptingmistakesbybeingacalmvoiceinatroubledseaandbyusingwordsthatsoothe(notcriticize)whenyoursquoreupset

So be kind to yourself And remember that the person to whom yoursquoredirectingthiskindnesswillappreciateitGuaranteed

Challenge1ATreatYourself

WhywaitforyourbirthdayItseemsfashionableoflatetomakegiftlists for every occasion not just birthdays Why not create one of yourown

Gillian Butler amp Tony Hope authors of ldquoManaging Your MindrdquomaintainthatldquogivingyourselftreatsisaskillthatneedstobedevelopedrdquoThefirststepldquoTogiveyourselfpermissiontohavetreatsrdquoButlerampHopeexplain ldquoTreats bring pleasure and pleasure is worth having purelybecauseitmakesyoufeelgoodButtreatingyourselfwillalsoenableyouto accomplishmore and enable you to change inways that are right foryourdquo

Theyaddldquo Thewonderful thingabout treats is that theycangivepleasurewellbeyondwhatwouldseempossibleThesecretistochoosetheright treats for you Once we are grown-up life can become so full ofchores both at home and atwork that it is easy to get bogged down inroutineandforgetpleasureItiswhenlifersquosproblemsaregettingontopofyouthatitbecomesparticularlyimportanttorewardyourselfrdquo

YourTwo-StepChallenge

Step1MakealistofthingsthatyouenjoyandStep2Refertothelistasoftenaspossible(forexamplesseeAppendixA)Andherearetwohintstoguideyou

a)Thelongerthelistthebetterandb) Remember to include treats both large (taking a vacation) and

small(egspendingafewextraminutesoverbreakfast)

SeeAppendixAforwaystotreatyourself(p189)

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsDoyoutreatyourselfkindly

ldquoDonrsquotyouthink[treatingourselveskindly]evolveswithage(likeallothergoodthings)Itrulybelievethatwe gain somuchwisdom through experience and it becomes easier each day to practicewhatwepreachtakeonedayatatimeviewlifeasshortetcetcAllthoseclichesthatIheardasachildsuddenlytakeonnewmeaningMyguessisthatnooneofusisaskindtoourselvesaswearetoothersalthoughIrsquollbet(andhope)manyofusarealotkinderthanweusedtoberdquo--MarleyC

ldquoIhaveknown[howimportantitistotreatmyselfnicely]andhavepreachedthattoothersforyearsWhy is it that I have so much trouble doing it myself The old saw is true lsquoPhysician heal thyselfrsquo[Treatingoneselfwellis]somethingtoworkforinsteadofgoingcomplacentlythroughliferdquo--NatE

ldquoItrsquosatoughquestionLatelytherehasbeenalotofactivityinourlivesandwejustarenrsquotgettingyounger I believe we are just as critical of ourselves as always However speaking for myself I findmyselfrealizingthatIhavedonemybestandlettingmyselfgetoffalittleeasierthaninmyyoungerdaysIntheolddaysIwouldworkuntilthejobwasfinishedinaccordancewithmyownhighpersonalstandardsTodayIwillpushmyselfhoweverwhenIstartfeelingthewearandtearIevaluatewhereIamandtakethetimetogetthebatteriesrechargedSomeoldmilitaryexpressionsthatdescribethisfeelingare

lsquoFoughtandlivedtofightanotherdayDiscretionisthebetterpartofvalorrsquo

ldquoSoinsummaryItreatmyselfwithalittlemorekindnesssoIcanreturnandgetbackinthefraythenextdayTorevertbacktotheolddayswouldbedetrimentaltoonersquoshealthTakingatimeoutisnrsquotbaditrsquossortoftreatingyourselftokindnessPerhapsitrsquosasignofoldagebutIhavelearnedtoappreciatethesimpler thingsof life such as a dinner at homewith all of the familymembers in attendance attending

churchservicesasafamilydininginordiningoutwithsomegoodfriendsspendingadaywithsomeoldfriendstodiscusslifeingeneralrdquo--DaveR

LovingYourselfldquoIf you arenrsquot goodat loving yourself youwill have a difficult timeloving anyone since yoursquoll resent the time and energy you giveanotherpersonthatyouarenrsquotevengivingtoyourselfrdquo

--BarbaraDeAngelis

Rule2

HaveFunAnytimeAnywhere

ldquoNowandthenitrsquosgoodtopauseinourpursuitofhappinessandjustbehappyrdquo

--GuillaumeApollinaire

Whodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

The question brings to mind a memorable line from The Four Seasons amovie in which old friends bid to re-connect Following a tense moment ofrelational frictionCarolBurnett turns toher friendsandasksldquoArewehavingfunyetrdquo

ldquoFunisagoodthingbutonlywhenitspoilsnothingbetterrdquo

--GeorgeSantayana

ThequestionthoughplayfulcarriesananswerofconsiderableconsequenceforhowisitthatweachievefunWhodecideswhenwersquorehavingitAndmoreimportantlyhowdoesoneacquireit

Firstandforemost itrsquos important toembracethenotionthathavingfunisaskillone thatwecanbothcultivateandnourishSomeofcoursebelieve thatthe skill is innate but I beg to differ Having fun is no different thanhandwritingwebdesignhopscotchorgolf theyrsquoreallworthdeveloping (yesevenhopscotch)Buthow

Challenge1WhereDoesFunLive

Our first challenge is to findoutwhere fun livesBasedon lifersquosunwrittenrules fun is reserved for special places (eg beaches theaters golf coursesamusement parks and restaurants) and special occasions (eg weddingsbirthdaypartiesandvacations)

WhatdoesyourfunprofilelooklikeWheredoyouexperiencethemostfunChances are that your fun profile will reveal consistent patterns of peopleplaces and activities The trick of course is to find ways to expand youruniversetonewvenues--egwaitingintrafficcleaningoutthegaragepayingthebillsordoinghomework

ldquoPeoplearegoingtobemostcreativeandproductivewhentheyrsquoredoingsomethingtheyrsquorereallyinterestedinSohavingfunisnrsquotanoutrageousideaatallItrsquosaverysensibleonerdquo

--JohnSculley

Imagine just for a moment if you were capable of having fun anywhereanytimenomatterthetask

Yoursquore laughingnowIcanhearyouYoursquore thinkinghowabsurd to thinkthatfixingaflatwaitinginlineortalkingtoatelemarketeratdinnertimecanbeenjoyable Perhaps But if you take amoment to examine the concept yoursquollsoonseethepossibilities

Challenge2WhoDecidesWhenYoursquoreHavingFun

LogicwoulddictatethatyouandyoualoneareincontrolthatyoumakethecallDonrsquot bedeceivedThe externalworld -- the institutions that speak tousand thepeoplewhocontrol them --plays amajor role in shapingourviewofldquofunrdquoCaseinpointHollywoodAndafterawhileitrsquossafetoassumethatourinternalthoughtsbegintoconformtothesenotions

HowthendowefightthewaveHerersquosoneapproach

Step1ObserveYourFZs

Beginbyexploringyourfunzones(FZs)thatistheactivitiesandplacesthatyou associate with fun The key is to observe your thought patterns becausethoughtsnotplacesarewhatcreatetheldquofunrdquoexperience

Step2Understand

Itrsquos important to remember that changing onersquos thought habits can be bothdifficultandfrustratingsopatienceisinorderThekeytoanypersonalchangeis observation awareness and perspective But it takes time So be kind toyourself(Rule1)andpatientwithyourprogressDonrsquotdemandtoomuch

ldquoEventheworstofjobshastheirpleasuresifIwereagravediggerorahangmentherearesomepeopleIcouldworkforwithagreatdealofenjoymentrdquo

--DouglasWilliamJerrold

Step3TheGrandThoughtExperiment

Nowthefunpart--theGrandThoughtExperimentThenexttimeyoursquoreinaUFZ (Unauthorized Fun Zone) be it a fixed thought track or an undesirableplacetrytomoveyourthoughtseversogentlyinapositivedirection

UFZs surround us Each day we encounter traffic jams hostile bossescheckout lines family conflicts household chores and disgruntled workassociatesAndalltoooftenwhenweenteraUFZwetriggerthesameseriesofnegativethoughtsnegativeimpressionsInsodoingwemissanopportunitytore-program

Herersquosoneofmyfavoriteexamples

Itrsquos moving day and yoursquore thoroughly exhausted from weeks ofpreparation and transition The moving crew is pulling out after fourgrueling hours of unloading Boxes are everywhere Stress level andpersonalfatiguehavereachedepicproportions

Thephoneringsandyoursister-in-lawasksyouhowyoursquoreholdingupMoments lateryouutter thoseunmistakablewords --ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquo

Themessage thoughsubtle isclearwhen theboxesareawaywhenthekitchendrawersarelinedwhenthedrapesareupwhenthegarageisorganizedwhentheworkbenchisreadyforuseTHENIrsquollbehappyAndnotamomentsooner

ThetelltalephraseofcourseisldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

WaitinginanIllusion

Hardaswetrytoenjoythemomentwersquoreforeverwaitingtoenjoyourselveswaiting tohave funwaiting tocomplete theperceiveddrudgery toexperiencethatldquohappymomentrdquosomewheredowntheline

ldquoPeoplerarelysucceedunlesstheyhavefuninwhattheyaredoingrdquo

--DaleCarnegie

DonrsquotwaitWaitingisanillusion

Imagine that yoursquore on your way home after a long day Suddenly itrsquosbumper to bumper traffic and that happymoment that yoursquove dreamt about isslipping away The point is transparent -- yoursquore free to enjoy themoment athandTherersquosnoneedtowait

OrsayyoursquorehomeanxioustocurluponthecouchwithagoodbookwhenyourememberthechoresthatawaitSoyouthinkldquoAhhhoncethosechoresarefinishedthenIrsquollbehappyrdquo

DonrsquotwaitDonrsquotwaittobehappy

WespendanenormouspartofourmentalliveswaitingtobehappywaitingforthathappymomentWhatrsquossostrangeisthatmanyofthesehappymomentsnevermaterializeandwhentheydotheyoftendisappointSodonrsquotwait

InsteadstartturningUFZsintoFZsAndremember

diamsItrsquospossibletobeginenjoyingyournewhomefromthemomentyoustepinside

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymowingthelawnfixingtheshelfandrepairingtheleakinthefaucet

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy making a late-night run to the market even ifyoursquoretiredandcrankyandarereadyforbed

ldquoTheultimategoalofamoreeffectiveandefficientlifeistoprovideyouwithenoughtimetoenjoysomeofitrdquo

--MichaelLeboeuf

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoypreparingforamajorpresentationorgoingtoyourannualphysical

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymulchingtheyardhoweverintentyoumightbeonplantingthenewflowersand

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy thewriting process evenwhen yoursquore endlesslystuckinmentaltraffic

So the next time you find yourself annoyed frustrated disappointed ordisillusionedthinkfun

YoucanmakeithappenAnytimeAnyplace

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIshavingfunaskillIfsoisitnaturallyacquired

ldquoIthinkitisaskillandIstronglysuspectthatitisnaturallyacquiredbysomeanddevelopedbyothersThinkingaboutitinthesetermsforthefirsttimeitseemsandIsuredohopethatbypayingattentiontoonersquospatternsonesurely[can]learnhowtoimproveontheirabilitytohavefunWhywouldnrsquotitbelikeotherbehaviormodificationrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoItrsquosnotaskillbutmoreanintrinsicnaturallygivenabilitythatsomeareblessed[with]SayingthatIdo believewe are able to determine our destiny as to livingbeing in the lsquotimersquo of lsquofunrsquo ormaking thatchoicerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIbelievethatonecanlearntohavefunmorefunifonecangetintouchwithinternalbarrierstosuchenjoymentSometimesittakesexternalhelptoidentifydealwiththebarriersrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIbelieveweallhavethecapacityforfunbutvaryinouropportunityandability(skill)tohavefunIthinktherearemanywaystohavefunandthisvariesfrompersontopersonThereisthefunthatyouhavebecauseyouenjoyanactivityandaresocaughtupinityoudonrsquotrealizehowmuchfunyouarehavingThishasmoretodowithcapacityandopportunityTheotherkindoffunisbeingabletoenjoywhatyouhavetodoandthisIthinkcanbemoreofanattitudeorskillwhichcanbedevelopedovertimeThisiswhereIthinkyour21rulesstarttocomeinsuchasbeingmindfulandbeingabletostepbacktoseetheabsurdrdquo--KarinU

ldquoHaving fun is a naturally acquired state one enters into Fun is individual People have fun in verydifferentwaysEventheseriouspersonmayhavefunbeingseriousFunisdynamicchangingthroughlifeThingsoneusedtohavefundoingmaynotbefunanymoreandotherthingsarenowfunOnceonehasidentifiedwhatisfuntothemonecanimprovetheirabilitytoincreasethelevelorintensityofthefuntheyhave(thatpartmaybeaskill)atanactivityrdquo--VickiH

ldquoHmmmSomefolksdoseemtohavemorefacilityforitoraremoreopentotheexperiencelsquoFunrsquoisintheeyeofthebeholderInnatelycuriouspeopleandthosewholaughoftenseemtofindfuninmanythingsThesearealsooftenthepeoplewhoareseldomboredastheirmindscanbeengagedbyvirtuallyanythingDoesthismeantheyhavealsquoricherrsquobrainscapeItwouldseemthatyoucouldshapefunskillsbyexposingthoselessadepttonon-threateningfunenvironmentsandhelpingthemgivethemselvespermissiontohavemorefunrdquo--JoelR

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIfhavingfunisaskillwhatrsquosyourskilllevelAnd

whatwasit10yearsago

ldquoSkill assessment presently is 90 Ten years ago fun at least for me was more dependent onsituations company demands of time money availability and other external influences I was moreconcernedwithhow tohave fun thanwhat reallywas funAgehasgivenmemaybea little insightandwisdomandhasmademeappreciatethatfunisarelativelysimpleconceptItdoesnotrequireplanningmoneysuccessdemandssituationsorequipmentItrequiresonlythedesiretoexperienceitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoPart I 70 (having fun is a highpriority tome this could explainwhy I have chosen to lsquoplayrsquo for aliving)

ldquoPart II 80 -90Definitely itwashigher10years agoWhyMore responsibilities inbothworkandhome lifeAlso less energy (no I am not getting older) to do the crazy fun thing I used to do and tomaintainthelonghoursdoingfunthingsorsqueezinginasmuchfunstuffasIcouldrdquo--VickiH

ldquoIfIamunderlowstressIcanhavefundoingalmostanythingProbablythesame10yearsagoIfstressgoesupmyabilitytohavefundiminishesrdquo--CarlE

ldquoPart125skillfulathavingfunoneveryendeavorIfinditmoredifficultasIgetolder(whyisthat)YouthiswastedontheyoungOrisitthatmymemoryisselectiveandIseemtoonlyrememberthefunineverythingbackwhenIwasyounger

ldquoPartII--Iwouldsaythat10yearsagomyskilllevelwasmoreatthe35levelrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoMyskilllevelforhavingfuntodayiscertainlyhigherthanitwas10yearsagoButIthinkthisislikethewaterlevelintheriveritgoesupanddowndependingonlsquotheweatherrsquoSomedaysmyskilllevelisreallyhighOthersitrsquosmuchlower(YoursquollnoticeIavoidedtheextendedsimilebyavoidingtheuseofthetermldquodrierrdquo)

ldquoOnaverageIgavemyself lesspermissiontohavefun10yearsagoNowIsometimes lookforFunZonesbyorderingdessertfirst

ldquoIfIweretochartitIrsquodsaytheskillofhavingfunisalineofeverincreasingslopeliketheDow-JonesaveragesItisnotquantifiableasinsettingaspecificvalue(lsquoAllsixyearoldsneedtoreacha17rsquo)Itisrelative The same scene the same lsquofunrsquo experienced by two individuals will bring about two differentreadingsonlsquothefunscalersquoInchildhoodfunisafunctionofsocialsettingandfeelingsecureAtoddlerrsquossquealswill turn tohowls in thepresenceofa strangerAtpuberty the slope increasesagainwith someveryhighspikesThenuponlsquojobacquisitionrsquotheslopelevelsoutagainbutstillincreases(NoteJobacquisitionfollowsfraternitysororityyearsthelastseriousspikesformostofus)Middleagebringsmoreupsandmoredowns(Menopausecangoeitherwaydependingonyourpointofview)FinallymaturitysettlesinThisiswhenyouaresecureenoughtohavefunwheneveryoufeel likeit Finalword theonlythingthatpreventsusfromhavingfunistheweightofthebagoflsquoshouldsrsquowecarryonourshoulders--NatE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

ldquoThisisadifficultquestiontoponderFunasanindividualwouldmeantheindividualwouldbetheonlyonewhocoulddecideifhesheishavinglsquofunrsquo

ldquo Alsodoessocietydictatewhat islsquofunrsquoandnotfunSomesocietiesfindfunin thingswewouldfindalarminganddangerouswhereaswhatwedeemasfuntheymightfindstrangerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIs having fun -- enjoyingmyself I can truly enjoy what I am observing in others -- students in aclassroompeoplehelpingeachotheragreatsoccerbasketballorbaseballmomentetcIamhavingfunatthesemomentsandallIrsquomdoingisobservingothers

ldquoSoooooowhenever Imight say lsquoI enjoyed thatrsquo Iguess I amhaving funanddetermining itmyselfWhen I amwith others and everyone is laughing and being fresh to each other othersmay think I amhavingfunbecauseIamrelaxingandshowingasideofmethatIdonrsquotoftenhavetimetolsquoletoutrsquoIamprobablyNOTenjoyingthosemomentsbutothersperceivemeashavingfunGofigureIdohavefunteasingotherssowhenIamin thecompanyofmybrothermybabysistermystudentsoryou I reallyhavefunrdquo--GailC

ldquoIt depends Sometimes I decide in the midst of something that it is really fun sometimes theanticipationofanactivitybythegroup[Irsquomwith]foreshadowsaneventasfun

ldquoTherecertainlyarebeliefsbysocietyatlargeastowhatisfunForexampletakethebeachIfyoutelljustaboutanyonethatyouaregoingtothebeachtheireyeswilllightupandtheywillthinkyoursquoreluckytobegoingtothebeachtohavelsquofunrsquoYoumightnotbeveryexcitedinsomecaseslikeifyouaregoingwithpeopleyoudonrsquotwanttobewithorifyoursquoregoingtoabeachthatyoudonrsquotparticularlylike

ldquoHopefullyyoursquollhavemorecontroloveryourlifethanthisoryoursquollbeabletogoagainsoonundermorepleasantcircumstancesLotsoffactorsgointolsquofunrsquoandIagreethatfunisoftendefinedbysocietyUnlessofcourseapersonisbrutallyhonestandadmitsthatheshedoesnrsquotexpecttohavefunButinmyexperiencemostpeopleliketoportraytheirsparetimeasfilledwithfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoHowcanthedecisionofwhetherornotoneishavingfunexistwithanyonebuttheindividualindesigningyourownenvironmentevencleaningthehousecanbefunREALLYitjustdependsonhowyougoaboutlookingatyourenvironmentIfyouconstantlyperceivelifeasaseriesofchallengeswithnoopportunityforenjoymentthenfunisnotgoingtobeaningredientofeverydaylifeFuniswhatonemakesofasituationrdquo--KathyD

ldquoIdecidewhenIamnothavingfunItusuallyisnrsquotuntillaterthatIrealizethatIhadagoodtimeIfIrsquomtalkingwithintelligentpeopleIamusuallyhavingfunrdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhatpreventsusfromhavingfun

ldquoIampreventedfromhavingfunwhenIhavetoomanythingstodoIloveitwhenthekidstellmetolsquolightenuprsquoorlsquochillrsquoMyauntalwaysusedtosaylsquoDonrsquotworryaboutthedirtinthehouseItwillbetherein20yearsTake time toenjoyyour childrenrsquo Ineed to remember thatmoreoften in regards to lotsofthingsrdquo--GailC

ldquoIwishIknewThereinliesthecruxoftrulybeinglsquohappyrsquoinonersquoslifeItrsquosnotthatIrsquomunhappydoingmundanechoresInfactIsortofgetabitofpleasurewiththembecausetheykeepmymindoffofotherthingsItrsquosgettingtothemthatsometimesisthelsquotestrsquoBecasuewedonotlikenecessarilythelsquothoughtofrsquodoing thesechorestaskswe tend toput themoffbutoncewersquore into themandaccomplish them I findmyselffeelinglsquogoodrsquoaboutacheivingthetaskorgettingitoverwithAndtherearesomanyoftheselittlesillytasksjobsthingsthatweputoffcleaningthegasgrillpaintingthetrimcuttingthegrassetcrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoThebaggagewecarrypreventsusfromorallowsustohavefunExhaustionhungerpovertyweatherconditionsetccanpreventusfromhavingfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAprivatewascleaningtheflooraroundaconferencetableasthreeofficersdiscussedsexTheCaptainsaidlsquoIthinksexis90pleasureand10workrsquoTheMajorsaidlsquoIthinksexis50pleasureand50workrsquoAndtheGeneralsuggestedthatlsquoSexis90workand10pleasurersquoUnabletoagreetheyturnedtotheprivateandaskedhisviewRepliedtheprivatelsquoIftherewereanyworkinitatallyoursquodhavemedoingitforyoursquoWhateveritisyouwouldnotwanttheprivatetodoforyouhastobeaplusonthefunsiderdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWheredoesfunlive

ldquoFun liveseverywhere exceptKosovoWhereverpeoplecan reflect and laughat themselvesor lifersquosabsurditiesyouhavefunIfithurtsitainrsquotfunPatchAdamshadtheknackforconversionrdquo--CarlE

ldquoFunliveseverywhereanywhereFuniswhatonemakesittobeItisenjoymentoflifeandonersquosparticipationinlifeFuncannotbeobserveditmustbeexperiencedItistheabilitytoappreciatethefactthatwearealiveandwecanmakechoicesFuniswhatitismadetoberdquo--KathyD

ldquoThatreallydependsonwhoyoutalktoandwhenFunformecanbeinmyhouseinfrontofthefirewithabookandsometimeILOVETHATIknowpeoplewhocanrsquotstandtobealonewithoutoneplan

afteranotherFunlivesintheeyesofthebeholderrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAquickthoughtonfun I try tohavefunwithwhateverIdobutI insistonhavingfunwithanyleisuretimeactivitiesortofurtherdefineitnon-workorresponsibilityrelatedIfIamvolunteeringdoingcross-stitch or reading a book I want it to be fun But I donrsquot necessarily define fun as the laughingsquealingkindof activity [instead] I define it as something thatgivesmepleasureAnd Irsquoll try to findpleasure in themundaneeitherby losingmyself inmy thoughts (whichareprobably70present30past)orappreciatingthesimpleactofaccomplishment

ldquoMy friends and family always grumble because I insist on frequently using my good bone chinadinnerwareandsterlingTheyobjectbecauseitmustbewashedanddriedbyhandIhavealwayssaidthatIgetasmuchpleasurefromthesimpleactofwashinganddryingitasIdofromusingitItrsquosbeautifulIloveitand Iwould ratherwashanddry it than let it situnusedandunappreciated inaclosedchinacabinetMaybethisisnrsquoteveryonersquosideaoffunbutitfloatsmyboatrdquo--VickiS

ldquoJollityItrsquosaframeofmindSomepeoplehavefundoingthemostridiculousthingsAndnooneelseseemstohavethesameamountoffununlesstheyaredoinglsquoitrsquowiththefirstpersonrdquo--NatE

Rule3

WorkHard

ldquoWhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoftenthingsIdidwerefailuresIdidnrsquotwanttobeafailureso

Ididtentimesmoreworkrdquo--GeorgeBernardShaw

Chances are if I had composed a list of rules a decade ago ldquowork hardrdquomightnothavecrackedthetop20nolessthetop5Butwitheachpassingdaywitheachnewlifeexperienceitrsquosclearthatworkinghardisthekey--tonearlyeverything Whether yoursquore building a relationship or building a reputationworkinghardistheoneingredientyoucanrsquotaffordtoleaveout

ldquoLazinessmayappearattractivebutworkgivessatisfactionrdquo

--AnneFrank

Not that we stop searching for alternatives Letrsquos be honest wersquore foreverlookingforshortcutswaystoreachourgoalsinlesstimewithlesseffortButastimeandexperienceteachustheretrulyisnosuchthingasafreelunch

Nottosaythatcertainshortcutsdonrsquotdeliver--ATMsfreeusfromlongbanklines and computers free us from retypingourmanuscripts on typewriters and we certainly enjoy remote controls ice makers fast tolls electric canopenersande-mail--eachdesignedtosaveuspreciousmoments

ButtoaccomplishgoalsofsubstancetodeveloprelationshipsthatlasttherearenoshortcutsStillwepursuethemaffirmingthatwedoindeedbelieveinmagic

ldquoNoonecanarrivefrombeingtalentedaloneGodgivestalentworktransformstalentintogeniusrdquo

--AnnaPavlova

If youwatch television long enough or read the dayrsquos news orwatch thefrenzied pace in the corporate world itrsquos hard not to believe that lifersquospenultimate goals are productivity and efficiency The worldrsquos marketingengines drill the message home every day -- if you buy this new softwarepackage thisnewcuttingappliance thisnew31drillkit thenyoursquollnotonlysavetimebutyoursquollbemoreproductiveThemessagegetsstuckinourpsycheandafterhearingthemessageforsay thezillionth timeweactuallybegin tobelieveit

ldquoSuccessfulpeoplearenotgiftedtheyjustworkhardthensucceedonpurposerdquo

--GKNielson

TurntheTideTaketheLongCut

WespendexorbitantamountsoftimepursuingshortcutstomanageourtasksFightbackFacedwithachoicetrythelongcut--whenyoursquoreslicingonionstry using the knife in place of the electric slicer However appealing yourshortcutsmaybeafewmillisecondshereandtherewonrsquotearnyoumuchThetruthisshortcutsareoneoflifersquosmostvisibleillusions

For years I dreamed of having a beautiful garden where flowers bloomedeach month as the seasons passed I chose the shortcut -- I bought a fewperennialsinstalledanundergroundwateringsystemandwaitedfortheflowerstoappearSillymethinkingthatagardenwouldgrowbyitselfNoweachdaythatIworkinthegardenIrecallthesesimplewords

Ifyouwanttohaveagardenyouhavetohaveagardener

Inotherwords ifyouwant tocreateproductsofsubstanceyouhave todotheworkNoshortcutsnoend-aroundsnomagic

AttentionAllMountainClimbers

When it comes to working hard I often recall a phrase composed by ourdaughterNataliesomeyearsagoShewroteldquoYouhavetoclimbthemountains

beforeyoucanwalktheplainsrdquoSostraponyourbootsandremember

diams When you and your spouse are clashing over money work hard tounderstandyourspousersquospointofview

diamsWhen you and your child are struggling over homework and curfewsworkhardtounderstandhowtheyfeelandwhytheystruggle

ldquoIfthepowertodohardworkisnotaskillitrsquosthebestpossiblesubstituteforitrdquo

--JamesAGarfield

diamsWhenyoursquorepreparingapresentationorcleaningoutmemorabiliathathas been sealed for years work hard to overcome the mental hurdlesRemindyourselfthattheharderyouworkthemoreyouwillgrow

diamsWhenyourbossisbeingunreasonablethebasementneedsanewpaintjobthenewbusinessisnrsquottakingoffthewaythatyouhadhopedorthethecarbreaksdownagain

WorkHard

DonrsquotshyawaydonrsquotwithdrawdonrsquotwithholdyourbestforfearoffailingSimplyworkhardandknowthattheskillyoursquoreimprovingisoneoflifersquosmostprecioustreasures

Rule 3 brings tomind a classic line delivered by TomCruise in the 1983movieRisky Business Commenting on his awe-inspiring vehicle Cruise saidldquoPorschetherersquosnosubstituterdquo

SoitiswithhardworkThereisnosubstitute

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

Theauthoraskedhisfriends

Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

ldquoThisisoneofmyall-timefavoritequestionsIbetthatourlifehereonearthwillbeultimatelyjudgednotbyhowsuccessfulwewerecomparedtoothersbuthowwellweusedthetools(talentsandabilities)Godgaveus

ldquoEveryoneisdifferentandthatrsquoswhatmakestheworldaninterestingplaceJuststandonabusystreetcornersitinachairatthemalleatamealinacrowdedcafeteriasitinthestandsataprofessionalorhighschoolsportingeventormyfavoriteplacetowatchpeoplewasdownontheinfieldofahorseracingtrackinNewYorkOrbetteryetwatchpeopleatthebeach

ldquoIimaginethesecondquestionwhenweapproachthepearlygateswillbelsquoHowwelldidwesharethetalents and giftswe hadwith others less fortunatersquoDidwe show genuine concern for othersAnotherquestionwouldbelsquoHowwelldidwetrain(mentor)youngergenerationswithregardstousingtheirtalentsandbeingconcernedforothersrsquo rdquo--DaveR

ldquoMypersonal learnedexperience is that tobegin togetgoodatanything inmy lifehas requiredhardwork and dedication Itrsquos truewhether vocational avocational spiritual relationship-based or just aboutanythingelseIcanthinkof

ldquoAsanadditionalobservationthosewhoadmiretheachievementsofothersfrequentlyoverestimatethevalueofsomeoneelsersquoslsquonaturalabilityrsquoandunderestimatetheworktheyputintoexcelrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoIthinkthatitrsquosterriblyimportanttolsquoworkhardrsquoandIthinkthatmanyofthefeelingsthatpeoplehaveoftheirlifebeinglsquosuccessfulrsquocomefromthesenseofaccomplishmentthatresultsofhardwork

ldquoFormemyfeelingsaboutwhoIamasapersonarestronglytiedupwithlsquowhatIhaveaccomplishedrsquoandwhatIhaveaccomplishedisusuallydirectlytiedupwiththeworkIputintoprojects

ldquoIthinkthatanimportantquestionrelatedtothisishowtobalancelsquohardworkrsquoagainsttherestofwhatlifehastooffersothattheworkdoesnotbecomeanoverridingconsumingpassionrdquo--IleneF

ldquoInmyexperienceitiscriticaltoworkhardinlifeOnlythenwhenwehaveinvestedourselvesdowecelebrateoursuccessThings thatcomeeasilyarenotcelebratedin thesamewayweoftenwonderwhythey even happened I guess itrsquos the old external vs internal locus of controlDid I dowell on the testbecauseIstudiedorbecauseIluckedoutanditwaseasy

ldquoWetakeprideinwhatweworkhardatWereflectasweareworkingandprobablyreviserechargeand forge aheadWe all need a payoff for hard work when we get it (tangible or intangible) we feelsuccessful

ldquoI associate the phrase with all aspects of life -- not just lsquoworkrsquo in the classic sense Naturally weassociatelsquoworkinghardrsquowithlsquoworkrsquothatisourdaytimeactivitiesButcertainlywelsquoworkrsquoallthetime--totakecareofourfriendsandourfamilytomeetobligationsthatcomewithbeingaresponsiblememberofthehumanraceThusmyinterestinthetermlsquoworkinghardrsquohasasmuchtodowithwhatwedoatnightandontheweekendsasduringthedayrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoOneway tomeasurework is ergonomically (An erg is a unit ofwork done by one dyne through adistanceofonecentimeterAdyneistheamountofforcethatcausesamassofonegramtoaccelerateattherateofonecentimeterpersecondpersecond)Noneofthatisrelevantexcepttosaywecanmeasurework

ldquoIf you accept that premise perhaps youwill accept thatwork is akin to effortAnd there aremanyreasonstoexpendeffortItmaybeforremunerationorforrecreationThereasonweexpendeffortmaybetopleaseothersortopleaseourselvesOritmaybeforsomeunseenbutanticipatedfuturerewardAtanyrateIthinkthereisarewardintheresomeplaceElsewhyexpendtheeffort

ldquoHowimportantisittoworkhardItdependsononersquospointofviewItmayhavealottodowiththelens throughwhich one views theworldOr itmay have to dowith onersquosmood at themoment ThereweretimesinmylifewhenitalsohadtodowithhowmuchskillIhad

ldquoIsuspectthatlsquoworkingatsomethingrsquohastodowithrewardWewillobviouslyworkatthingsthatwillhavedirectimpactForexamplethesailoronasinkingboatwillworkhardatbailing

ldquoButforotherthingsI thinkonersquoswillingnesstoworkhardisrelatedtotheirabilitytoeithermakeaconnection to self (lsquoItrsquos important to mersquo) or to make a connection to someone or something that isimportant(lsquoItrsquosimportantto___thatImaketheeffortrsquo)Thereissomesortofpayoff

ldquoIdo think thereare thosewho lsquoworkhardrsquo seemingly forothersThere isnodirectpayoff for themTheyappear tobedoing things forothersMy theoryabovebegins todissolvehereand Idonrsquothaveanexplanation

ldquoWellIhaveprogressedfromPhysicstoPhilosophyallinabout350wordsItrsquostimephormetoendthisphoolishnessandgetsomeworkdoneBecauseitispersonallysatisfying AndIwanttogetpaidrdquo--NatE

ldquoItisparamountIamsurroundedbysuccessfulpeoplewhohavesoldtheircompaniesorretiredTheycrave work The desire to apply oneself in a productive endeavor seems to have a biological driver Itappearstobemorethanameredesiretobeneededrdquo--CarlE

ldquoYouhavehitonanerve(atleastinmycase)GrowingupasIdidinatruelsquobluecollarrsquohomeweweretaught(whatseemsinrecollection)fromthecribthatlsquoworkinghardwillgetyoueverythingyouwantinlifersquoorlsquoworkinghardistheonlywaytosucceedrsquoAndohsomanyotheridioms

ldquoFunny how the word lsquoabilityrsquo was seldom if ever used (at least in our household) in relation todiscussionaboutlsquoworkrsquoorlsquoworkinghardrsquoYetinlookingbackworkinghardwashelpfulinmanymanyinstanceswherewewereluckyenoughtosucceedinschoolourjobsourrelationshipsandinevenlifeingeneral

ldquoBut is it just as critical to have been blessedwith the lsquoabilityrsquo to (a)make correct decisions (b) torationalizeanddecipherinformation(c)tolearnorgrowfromoureducationampevenourlifersquosexperiences(d)toretainandrememberinformation(e)tobeabletocommunicatewellandatthesametimeperhapsevenmoreciriticallylsquolistenwellrsquo(f)tohavefun(yesIbelievesomearemoreblessedlsquowiththeabilitytodojustthat--lsquohavefunrsquowhereassomeofusjustseemtolosethislsquoabilityrsquosomewhereontheroadtolife)

ldquoSee I told you it hit a hot spotMay I go on Is it lsquofatersquo or lsquokarmarsquo or just plain lsquoluckrsquowhen onebecomessuccessfulorwasitaproductoflsquohardworkrsquoOrwasitasItendtobelieveararecombinationofbothonersquosfatecombinedwiththeirlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquothatdeliveredsuchsuccessArewenotalltoagreatdegreea lsquoproductofourenvironmentandeducationalprocessrsquoAnd Imean lsquoenvironmentrsquomorefromthe[perspective]oflsquofamilyrsquofirstandthentolsquopeersandschoolingrsquo

ldquoWhyisitthatmoreoftenthannotafamilywillhaveeitherparent(orparents)beingdoctorsandthentheir subsequent children and childrenrsquos children becomedoctors down the line It has tobemore thanlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquoNo

ldquoI once read an article about a couple [who] adopted two infants from a inner citymother ThiscouplewasabletomovetoaremoteareaoutwestandasIrecallraisetheirtwoinfantsonsinanareawheretheyliterallyhadtolsquohomeschoolrsquothemuntilitwastimeforUniversity[Thekidstook]theirSATsscoredextremelyhighandwereacceptedtoYaleampPrinceton

ldquoGuesswhathappenedBothboyswhiledoingextremelywellinitiallyincollegeeventuallydevelopedproblems with their social skills [and] had difficulty later in their University years Eventually theygraduated andwent on in life but not without a tremendous amount of lsquohardworkrsquo at learning certainlsquoskillsrsquoweoftentakeforgrantedgrowingup

ldquoWere these two brilliant minds No doubt However their lsquoabilityrsquo to communicate was foundlackingTheybothhadtolsquoworkhardrsquotolearnthislsquoabilityrsquoBothasIrecallwentontobecomewelladjustedand[achievedsomemeasure]ofsuccessHowevermypointhereisthatlsquoabilityrsquoisnotalwaysasubstitueforlsquohardworkrsquoorlsquolifeingeneralrsquobutis[acriticalfactor]ingainingsuccessinourendeavorsrdquo-MickeyF

RulesforLivingWithYourself

Rule4

LiveinthePresent

ldquoLearnfromthepastsetvividdetailedgoalsforthefutureandliveintheonlymomentoftimeoverwhich

youhaveanycontrolnowrdquo--DenisWaitley

Daytodaywheredoyouspendmostofyourtime

InthepastThepresentOrthefuture

On any given day in any givenmoment our private thoughts flow swiftlyfromthepasttothepresenttothefuture--aharshwordfromyesterday(past)ismentallybrushedasideaswelistentoacolleague(present)thenwonderaboutwhetheritmightrainatthepicniconSunday(future)

ldquoYoumustliveinthepresentlaunchyourselfoneverywavefindyoureternityineachmomentrdquo

--HenryDavidThoreau

Mentalfitnessexpertslaudtheldquopresentrdquoandurgeustofocusourenergiesonthemoment -- on the personwithwhomwersquore conversing on the taskwersquorestrivingtoaccomplishontheskillwersquoreattemptingtoimproveonthedecisionthatwersquoreabouttomake

Themessage is simple themore focusedwe are on the present themorefulfilling life will be Instinctively we know that this is true because of howgooditfeelstobefullyengagedinthemoment--notbroodingaboutyesterdayorworryingabouttomorrow

WhatExactlyIsThePresent

StayinginthepresentmindyouisnrsquottobeconfusedwithtalkingaboutthepresentImaginewhatadauntingtaskthatwouldbeLetrsquosbehonestahealthychunk of human conversation involves sharing information about the past(ldquoWhat have you been up tordquo ldquoHow was your vacationrdquo) or the future(ldquoWersquoregoingtoaconcertnextweekrdquoorldquoTomorrowIplantostartlookingforanewjobrdquo)

Bycontraststayinginthepresent

means focusing onersquos private thoughts on the moment on the person oractivityinfrontofyou

ldquoYesterdayisacanceledchecktomorrowisapromissorynotetodayistheonlycashyouhavesospenditwiselyrdquo

--KayLyons

means listening to your friend share their daily struggles or your spouseshareherworriesaboutthefuture

means concentrating your energy on preparing the report fixing dinnerlisteningtoyourclient

Our ability to stay in the present of course is perpetually at riskAnd themostchallengingmomentsarethosewhenwersquorealoneWhenourthoughtsstartto drift we risk missing the spendlor of the fruit on aisle 3 the shape of aclipped branch the beautifully turned phrase the magnificent contour of thegreenonthe17thhole

Oftenwhen Irsquom driving I glance at the highest branch on a tree andmydaughterMelyssa says she toohasadopted thehabitThe idea suggested inapassageIreadsometimeago(Icanrsquotrecalltheauthor)forcesustolookoutsideofourdailyframetoseeanewwhatthismomentholds

Melyssa and I often wonder how such a simple change can have such adramaticeffectTheskywardgazealwaysremindsmeofapropheticmomentinthe ldquoDead Poets Societyrdquo when Robin Williams encourages his students tostandontheirdeskstoaltertheirstaticviewoftheworld

MinimizingThoughtDrift

Living in the presentmeans attending to the task at hand to the person oractivity before you It means minimizing thought drift in order to take fullpleasureinallthatliesbeforeyouLetrsquosbehonestwhenyourminddriftstothatawkward social encounter donrsquot you lose your ability to enjoy this currentmoment

We are thoughtful creatures alternatively worrying judging imaginingjustifying evaluating planning fantasizing problem-solving lamentingcreatingandscrutinizingInthemixingbowlofthoughtsitrsquosawonderthatwecankeepourattentionfocusedonanysingletaskforanymeaningfullengthoftimeYetattentioniskeyinourquestforfulfillmentandlifesatisfaction

ldquoFinisheachdaybeforeyoubeginthenextandinterposeasolidwallofsleepbetweenthetwoThisyoucannotdowithouttemperancerdquo

--RalphWaldoEmerson

Eachofuslearnsatourownpacethatthemoretimeweinvestinthepresent-- themore timewespend lookingat facesand flowers -- the richerour livesbecome

ItseemstritetosaybutwelivelifeinthepresentCertainlywelearnfromthepastandyesitseemsprudenttoplanforthefutureButinthefinalanalysisourlifejourneyiscomposedofacontinuousstringofldquopresentsrdquoandwhenourthoughtsdriftaheadorbackweloseapreciouspiece(orpeace)oflifersquospuzzle

Itrsquosbeensaidthatonein10000canconsistentlystayinthepresent

Mayyoubetheone

Challenge4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent

Whenyourthoughtsbegintodriftinwaysthatyoudefineasunhealthytrythesethreesimplesteps

Step1ExaminetheThought(E)AskyourselfamIdriftingtothepastorthefuture

Step2StoptheThought(S)Makeaconsciousdecisiontostopthethoughtsequence

Step3ReturntothePersonorTask(P)Makeaconsciousdecisiontorefocusyourthoughtsonthepersonwith

whomyoursquoretalkingontheactivityinwhichyouarecurrentlyengaged

Caution When employing E-S-P please donrsquot expect quick resultsChances are that the thought sequence you momentarily dismissed willsoon reappear cycling back into your conscious thought pattern DonrsquotdespairSimplyobservehowoftenandwithwhatintensityitreturns(itrsquosreasonable to imagine that our thoughts have a half-life -- much likenaturersquoschemicalcompounds--andthattheirpersistenceislinkedtotheiremotionalchargethusastimegoesonthechargelessensandthethoughtsequenceonceomnipotentbeginstoweaken)

The key to E-S-P Awareness and desire -- that is becoming moreawareofyourthoughtpatternsandexhibitingadesiretoalterthem

PlaguedbythoughtdriftTryE-S-PAlternativelytakemeaningfromthisbrilliantquoteonehousedonmyfriendrsquosansweringmachine(thanksJerry)

ldquoThePastisHistoryTheFutureisaMysteryThisMomentisaGiftThatiswhywecallitthePresentrdquo

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentvsthepast

vsthefuture

ldquo85presentwithlotsofpastandfastforwardingandthelsquopresentrsquoasthepausebuttoninbetweenrdquo--JoelR

ldquo45 Present 10 Past 45 Future Tome tomorrow is really the present itrsquos what I am alwayspreparing forSomypresent is reallymy future tooAs soon asyou are awareof thepresent itrsquos nolongerthepresentitrsquosthepastandyouareinthefuturerelativetoitrdquo--GailC

ldquoPast10(notworthmuchthoughtmoveonexperiencemore)Present50(canbegreatgoodneutral and terrible either way you are stuck with it) Present is what one has at hand that cannot bechangedreadilyiethejobyouhavethesignificantotherthehousethatneedspaintingallthosethingsoneplannedfor(ordidnrsquot)whenitldquowasrdquothefutureFuture40(thinkingofthefutureishowIkeepmysanityThefutureishowIdreamitupthewayIwantittobe)rdquo--VickiH

ldquoPresent30Past20Future50ThepresentiswhatyouareexperiencingatthatmomentYoursurroundingswhoyoursquorewithandwhatyoursquorethinkingrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoPresent50Past35Future15CanrsquotdefinethepresentinPTTbecauseyourPTscansometimesbesooverwhelmingthatyouthinkyouhavebeenthinkingforhoursanditrsquosjustbeenminutesandyoursquovetraveledallovertheplaceinyourmindYoursquovebeeninthepastpresentandfutureofyourmindinthattimeperiodrdquo--CaroleE

ldquo20Past40Present40Future(doesthismeanIamanoptimist)Whatoneisthinkingaboutinthepastisimportant--isitpleasantlyrelivingthepastorruminatingaboutmistakesorunpleasanteventsItendtoconnectthepresenttowhatmightbeaheadrdquo--MarleyC

HowoftendoyousayldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

ldquoAlwaysSometimestheanticipationisgreaterthantherealizationofsomethinganddoingthelsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquoaidsinimaginingwhatthatsomethingmightlooklikehowitwillgowhattheendresultmightbeItalsogivesmeagreatlifttoanordinarymundanelsquoconsistentrsquodayrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoNotoftenlsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquosuggeststhatallenjoymentsuccessfulfillmentetcloomssomewhereoverthehorizonIlikeNOW

ldquoThewholeconceptof lsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquo tomesuggests lsquotime freezersquo Ifwe livecontinually ina stateofanticipationwe fail tonotice theeventsof themomentSince there isneveraguaranteeofhappinessorsuccess or fun or anything else in the future (life is too serendipitous for that) then living in a state ofperpetual anticipation precludes having the opportunity to enjoy the present Looking backwards todeterminewhetherornotyouhavehadfunmayofferaclearviewoftheeventbuttheinternalenjoymentofthemomentisovershadowedbylsquothingsyettocomersquotheanticipationoflsquohavingfunrsquocannotcomparetheactualityofitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoWheneverIhaveanlsquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrsquomomentIimmediatelyruinitwiththenegativesthattagalong Icanrsquotwait togo toSanDiegofor8daysWill thedogbeOKin thecareof thekidsWill Ibestressedfromrelaxingetcrdquo--GailC

Wheredoyouspendyourmentaltime

ldquoHumanmomentsIspendabout10ofmytimemusing20thinking20conversing(moreduringtheschoolyear)20listening(40interactingwhichisacombinationofconversingandlistening)and30sleepingorbeingmindlessDreamsoverlapwiththeothercategories

ldquoIhadadebatewithastudentlastweekaboutwhetherornotthebraincandomorethanonethingatatimeWeagreed that thebrain can stimulatemore thanone activity at a time -- seeinghearing tastingtalkingetcallatonetime--butthebraincanonlybeawareofoneatatimerdquo--GailC

ldquoHumanMoments (not like a seniormoment right)Musing 5 conversing 40 thinking 30listening30interacting40acting(asindrama)25ofthe40conversingandthe40interactingAtleastthatmuchofthattimeisactingwhenIambitingmytonguenottotellsomeone(usuallyaclient)exactlywhatIthinkofwhattheyjustsaiddidorwhatIthinkoftheirlevelofintelligenceTherestofthetimeistherealme

ldquoI definitely prefer listening thinking observing over interactingwithmost people acting as inphysicallydoingsomething50to60 ThisanswercouldgoonforeverthemoreIthinkaboutit--soIwillspareyourdquo--VickiH

ldquoHardtoputnumberstoyourcategorieswithoutlotsofthoughtbutIrsquollgiveafirstguesstimatemusing4conversing12thinking20listening16interacting20sleeping28rdquo--AllanH

Rule5

FocusontheProcessNottheproduct

ldquoTakecareofyourminutesandthehourswilltakecareofthemselvesrdquo

--LordChesterfield

It may seem hard to believe but every moment of our lives -- yes everymoment -- is a confrontation between product and process Whether yoursquorepreparingdinnerorabusinessplanplanningaweddingoracorporatetakeoverleadinganeighborhoodfooddriveoracampaignagainst teenagedrinking itrsquosallaboutproductvsprocess

TheproductistheendthefinalstepTheprocessisthemeanstheroadthatleadsushome

TakefoodshoppingTheproductisthatgloriousmomentwhenthebagsareunpackedandthegroceriesareneatly tuckedawayBycontrast theprocess isongoing and entails creating the shopping list grabbing the reusable bagsdrivingtothesupermarketweighingthefruitcomparingcerealpriceschattingon the checkout line leafing through magazines paying the bill carting thegroceriesOKyougetthepicture

ldquoThegoodlifeisaprocessnotastateofbeingItisadirectionnotadestinationrdquo

--CarlRogers

Thepointiswhilewenaturallystrivetoachievetheproduct(bagsunpackedgoodsneatlystoredaway)wesometimesbecomesofixatedonreachingitthat

we fail to enjoy the process In so doing wemiss countless opportunities toenjoyeachstepofthejourney

ButwehaveachoiceThoughitmaynotbereadilyapparentwecanchoosetofocusontheprocesstoenjoyeachmomentnotjusttheendresultWhetherwersquore driving home a business deal or driving homeour daughter fromdanceclasswersquorefreetochoosewheretofocusourmind

WhereDoYouPlaceYourThoughts

Scenario1DinnerTimeItrsquosdinnertimeandtheproduct isthatlusciousmomentwhenyousitdown

with friends and family for a quiet relaxingdinner ready to enjoygood foodandconversationTheprocessofcoursebeganhoursearlierwhenyouchosethe menu bought the vegetables marinated the chicken boiled the watercookedtheangelhairpastapreparedthesauceseasonedthesalad

ldquoIfyoufocusonresultsyouwillneverchangeIfyoufocusonchangeyouwillgetresultsrdquo

--JackDixon

Scenario2HangingaBedroomShelfItrsquosSaturdayafternoonandyourdaughterbidsanhourofyourtimetohanga

bedroomshelf tohousetrinketsandsuchTheproduct is thatrarifiedmomentwhentheshelfisupperfectlylevelandfittostorethenick-nacksTheprocessthoughasimpleonehousesnumeroussteps--findingthetools(formeneveran easy task) measuring drilling inserting (the toggle bolts) leveling andadjusting(IknowIskippedafewstepsButheythisisnotmyforte)

Scenario3PlantingTulipsItrsquoslateOctober--primetimeforplantingtulipsintheyardTheproductis

crystallinetulipsnestledinthegroundwithalightdustingofmulchtoprotectthemoverthewinterTheprocessofcourseismulti-layered--choosingwhichbulbstoplantdeterminingthesizeofthearealayingouttheshapeofthebeddiggingitimprovingthesoilplantingthebulbsandcoveringthem

Attimeslikethese--preparingdinnerhangingashelfandplantingtulips--ourmind tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinkingabout theproduct that isabout finishingThenotion is that ifwemoveswiftly throughthesechoreswecanmoveontomoreenjoyabletasks

Rule 5 encourages us to enjoy seasoning the salad asmuch as eating it toenjoylevelingtheshelvesasmuchashangingthemtoenjoyselectingthebulbsasmuchasplantingthem

ldquoIfyousurrendercompletelytothemomentsastheypassyoulivemorerichlythosemomentsrdquo

--AnneMLindbergh

InshortRule5urgesustoslowdownandenjoythatwhichstandsbeforeusThink about it how many moments of your thought life have you beenpreoccupied with the outcome To fairly answer that question try askingyourselfthisone

ldquoWhen Irsquom engaged in an activity how much of the time am Ithinkingabout theproduct(ie finishingthe task)andhowmuchofthetimeamIsimplyenjoyingtheprocessrdquo

ldquoEnjoythejourneyenjoyeverymomentandquitworryingaboutwinningandlosingrdquo

--MattBiondi

ICanrsquotWait

Letrsquos face it we spend a fair piece of time doing things that we donrsquotaltogether enjoy Wersquore forever telling ourselves ldquoI canrsquot wait until itrsquosFriday itrsquos vacation time thepresentation is finished thebills arepaidthelaundryisfoldedthehouseiscleantheclassisoverthebedsaremadetheweedsaregonerdquoButthemoreobsessedwebecomewiththeproductthelesschancewehavetoenjoytheprocess

ThatrsquosnottosayweshouldforsakepursuingproductsIrsquomstronglyinfavorof settinggoals (seeRules18-20) andworkinghard to achieve them I love awell-craftedplantoscalemountainsLetrsquosfaceititfeelsgoodtocleanoffyourdesktoorganizethekitchentosendofftheproposal toarriveatthehotel toputdinneronthetable tomail inyour taxes to(finally)placethepictures inthephotoalbum

Challenge5A

InSearchoftheHappyMoment

ThinkbacktoyourlasttriphomefromtheofficeWhatwereyouthinkingabout

ChancesarethatyouspentaportionofyourtimethinkingabouttheproductthatisaboutthatldquoHappyMomentrdquo--themomentyouwalkthroughthedoorhangupyourcoatandopenthefridgeforaglassoficetea(orperhapssomethingstronger)AhhhhhhatlonglasttheldquoHappyMomentrdquohadarrived

DonrsquotbefooledldquoHappyMomentsrdquoareillusorybecausemoreoftenthannottheyturnouttobejust that--briefmoments in timethat tooquicklyareoverwhelmedbyaswirloffreshdemandsOnce in thekitchena stackofmail remindsyou that thebillsareoverdueanemptymilkcartonsignalsthattheshelvesarebareandsuddenlytheldquoHappyMomentrdquodissolvesintoaseriesofnewdemandsintoaseriesofnewproductsandprocesses

HerethenisthedilemmabywaitingfortheldquoHappyMomentrdquowewindupwaitingtobehappywe end up telling ourselveswhen that moment arrives THEN Irsquoll be happy and not a momentsooner

SopleasedonrsquotwaittobehappyBehappynowandknowthathappinesssurroundsus ifonlyweopenoureyes

But therersquosahugedifferencebetweenpursuingaproduct and focusingourmindrsquosthoughtsonthatproduct

ldquoOftenthesearchprovesmoreprofitablethanthegoalrdquo

--ELKonigsburg

Dailywearelulledintobelievingthat

Products=Happinessandthat

Process=Drudgery

Nonsense

DoyouknowanyonewhoenjoyscookingIlovetowatchbothmysister-in-law Carole and my brother-in-law Bruce take equal pleasure in the product(bringingdinner to the table)and theprocess -- selecting the recipegatheringthe ingredientscreating thesauce seasoning thepastaand themeatsand the

vegetablesLikemany talented chefsCarole andBrucehave learned to enjoytheprocessasmuchas(ifnotmorethan)theproduct

Thisthenisourchallenge--toenjoythemeansasmuchastheendtoacceptthenotionthattheprocessisnotjustaroadsignitrsquostheroad

WeallknowthatproductsbringuspleasureandrewardusininfinitewaysbutbecauseourthoughtsdeterminewhatkindoflifeweleadwemustfindwaystomorethoroughlyenjoytheprocessImagineifarunnerexperiencedthesamejoyintakingastrideasincrossingthefinishline

ldquoPassiondoesnrsquotlookbeyondthemomentofitsexistencerdquo

--ChristianNBovee

Doesthissoundimpossible

My daughter Melyssa would say no arguing that despite a societalpreoccupation with ldquoproductsrdquo (of both kinds) itrsquos theoretically possible toenjoy every processOf course striving to achieve ldquoproductsrdquo isnrsquot inherentlyevilitrsquosonlyaproblemwhenitblindsustotheprocesswhenitleadsustopicktherosesfromthegardenwithoutevensmellingthem

EnjoytheRide

Religiousmaximsremindus that life itself isaprocess--ldquolife isa journeynotadestinationrdquoAnddailywersquoreremindedtoldquoenjoytheriderdquoNonethelessweoftenforgetthatthebusridetotheamusementpark(process)canbejustasenjoyableastheamusementparkitself(product)ifonlyweletit(childrenonafieldtriparequicktopointoutthatthebusrideisoftenthemostenjoyablepart)

One of my lightbulb moments occurred some years ago on my way toBaltimoretowatchtheOriolesplaybaseballIwastravelingwiththreeofmyfriends when the conversation turned to traffic That particular day it wasbumper-to-bumperandourcollectivefrustrationwasapparent(ldquo weshouldhaveleftearlierrdquoandldquolookatthatidiotcrossinglanesrdquo)MentallyIstartedtorecord the conversation and realized thatmore than 30of itwas devoted totrafficOuch

ldquoLordhowthedaypassesItislikealifesoquicklywhenwedonrsquotwatchitandsoslowlyifwedordquo

--JohnSteinbeck

So I tried a little thought experiment and placed the four of us at a cornerboothatthelocalrestaurantIimaginedwewerenoshingonchipsandsippingmargheritaslaughingandtellingjokessimplyenjoyingoneanotherrsquoscompanyChances are slim as we sat there eating potato skins that the conversationwould turn to traffic (after all we were sitting in a restaurant) Yet here wewere four friends togetheron theway toaballgameconsumedby talkaboutlanechangesandarrogantdrivers

Theproblemofcoursewasnrsquot thetrafficatall-- theproblemwashowwethoughtaboutitNowIrsquollbethefirsttoadmitthatahighwayrsquosvisualcuesarecompellingthatitrsquoshardnottogetriledupwhenyouseemanicdriverstryingtomake their way where no car should ever go but these visual cues need notdestroytheprocess(enjoyingtimewithgoodfriends)evenaswestrivetoreachtheproduct(arrivingattheballpark)

FindingPleasureinEverythingYouDo

Sothenexttimeyoursquoreonalatenightruntothesupermarkettrynottobesointentonreturninghome(product)thatyoufailtoenjoytheprocess--listeningtothecarradiosharingastorywith thecheckoutattendantpassingafriendlywordtoaneighbor

Challenge5BTheCycleNeverEnds

The remarkable part of the Product-Process Connundrum is that the cycle never ends that iseveryproducthasaprocessandinturneveryprocesscanbesubdividedintoanendlessstringofmini-products and processes For example once we decide to marinate the chicken (our latestproduct) an entirely new process magically unfolds selecting the marinade deciding whatingredientstoaddfindingthebrushtospreaditturningthechickenovercheckingbackinanhourortwotoreapplyandsoonandsoforth

Thepointisthecycleneverends--wesetoursightsonaproductandaprocessunfoldsAndonce engaged in the process a new product appears The cycle continues until fatigued fromthoughtwedecidetostopthinkingaboutthem

Andthenexttimethatyoursquoreheadinghomefromworktrynottobesointentonpullingintothedriveway(product) thatyouneglect toenjoythetriphomeImagine the walk to your car as part of your exercise program think of afriendly word to the parking attendant as a bid to connect consider that anendlesstrafficjamoffersmoretimetoenjoyaradiosegmentthatyouotherwisemighthavemissed

ldquoDonotthinkthatwhatyourthoughtsdwelluponisofnomatterYourthoughtsaremakingyourdquo

--BishopSteere

Andthenexttimethatyoumoveintoanewhometrynottobesofocusedonputtingeverythingaway(product)thatyoumissachancetoembracetheprocess-- the memories that flow from unpacking sentimental treasures that warmfeelingfromwatchingfamilymembersworktogetherthedreamsthatflowfromimaginingwhatanewhomewilllooklikewillbecome

GrantYourselfPermission

Believeitornotyoursquoreactuallyallowed--yesyoursquoreactuallypermitted--toenjoyyournewhomefromthemomentthatyoumoveinYoudonrsquothavetowait until the carpets are cleaned or the woodshop is ready or the bags areunpacked The fact is therersquos no required waiting period for pleasure tobegin

Sodonrsquotwait tobehappyDonrsquotwait untiltheproductisachievedFeelgoodrightnowRealizethatassoonastheprocessbeginsyoursquorefree--trulyfreetoenjoyeverypartoftheexperience

ldquoThecontinuousinventionofnewwaysofobservingismanrsquosspecialsecretoflivingrdquo

--JZYoung

Enjoytheprocess

Challenge5CCreatingaTrigger

Ifyouwish to spendmore timeenjoying theprocess try theldquotriggerrdquochallenge Itrsquosnothingdramatic -- it simplyencouragesus tocreatesomeformofvisualauditoryorkinestheticldquotriggerrdquotohelpshiftourthoughtstotheprocess

Creatinga triggerof coursewonrsquotmagically transformyour thoughtsor behavior And no trigger can quickly induce human change -- onlyawarenesscandothatButatriggernonethelesscanhelpusspeedalongtheprocess

A personal trigger might be nothing more than a word (spokeninternally)amovementorasoundAtriggerneedonlyremindustostopfixatingontheproductandbeginenjoyingtheprocessThebesttriggersofcoursearetheonesthatwecreateandthemoreactivethebetterIsupposethat the ideal triggerwould activate all of our sensesBut IrsquomproposingsomethingmoremodestIrsquomproposingatriggerthatisequalpartssimpleandswift

Herersquoswhat I dowhen I findmy thoughts locked on the product Iclenchmyhandintoafist(product)andslowlyopenitup(process)Thehand flexwhich takes all of five seconds remindsme to shiftmy focusfrom theproduct (my fist) to theprocess (my fingers) If I have an extramomentItrytorollmyfingersoutslowlyasifeachonerepresentsapartoftheprocessI imaginetakingpleasureineverystepAndifIrsquomluckymythoughtsbegintoshiftawayfromtheproductifonlyforawhile

If yoursquore thinking about creating your own personal trigger Irsquodrecommend that you 1 keep it simple 2 engage your senses and 3recognize that you may have to change it at some point to avoidembarrassingmoments(clenchingyourfistatthenextboardmeetingmightbeatouchuncomfortable)

Challenge5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself

ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthisreportisfinishedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthekitcheniscleaneduprdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilschoolisoutrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepresentationiscompletedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilIrsquovefinishedpaintingthebasementrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepartyisoverrdquo

Therearetimeswhenwesaythesewordswithenthusiasm(ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntil the show tomorrownightrdquo)whenour excitement about theproduct(watching the show) actually enhances our enjoyment of the process(lookingforwardtoit)

ButmoreoftenthannotthephraseldquoIcanrsquotwaitrdquosignalssorrownot joy The phrase typically flows from frustration from a desire tocomplete the dreaded task so that other pursuits can be enjoyed -- egmusic television eating socializing reading going to the theater orattendingasportingevent

WishingThemAway

Sadly a remarkable amount of our mental life is spent hoping theunpleasanttasksbeforeus(moreaccuratelythosetaskswersquovedecidedareunpleasant)willbedonePrivatelywethinkabouthowgooditwillfeeltobefinishedhowpleasedwewillbewhenthefilingisdonethemailissortedtheproposaliscomplete

Howthendowelearntoenjoythefilingtotakepleasureinsortingthemailtoenjoypreparingtheproposalnotsimplycompletingit

Todoso tomore thoroughlyenjoy theprocesswemust firstbecomeaware of our thoughts and the degree towhichwe equate productswithhappinessandprocesswithdrudgery

Herethenisourthree-partchallenge

Part1Selectone (yes justone)unpleasant task that isa taskyoudonrsquotparticularlyenjoydoing thekindthatquicklystirsupnegative

thoughtsinsideofyou

Part 2 The next time you begin this task consciously decide toldquowatchyourthoughtsrdquothatistolistentoyourprivatethoughtsasyoubegintheactivitythenstartdoingtheactivity

Step3Asyoursquoreldquothoughtwatching1rdquoaskyourselfthreequestionstorevealyourproduct-processorientation

Q1HowoftendoIthinkaboutfinishing(frequency)Q2Howstrongarethesefeelings(emotion)Q3Howlongdothesethoughtslast(persistence)

The good news is yoursquoll have plenty of chances to run theseldquothoughtexperimentsrdquoOrmaybethatrsquosthebadnews

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearhere

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoy

ldquoIfinditextremelydifficulttoenjoycookinglsquoontherunrsquothatisrunninginafterworkandrunningtochangeandgetdinnercookingItisunpleasantbecauseIreallylovetocookbutdonrsquotwanttofeelrushedandunabletobelsquocreativersquoaboutcooking

ldquoAlsoIcannotenjoysomeofthedailytasksthatIhavetodowithmyMother(iegettingherreadyforbed)This hangs overmy head until she is upstairs and in her bed I canrsquot relax and enjoymy eveningbecauseIknowthatthischoreiscomingupCanrsquotexplainitrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoIhatecleaninghouseOhIlikeaneathouseAndIrsquomembarrassedifanyonecomestomydoorwhenIrsquomnotexpectingthemMytoleranceforclutterishigherthanmostmalesSoIallowmyselftoavoidthe

unpleasanttaskofcleaninghouseThereisNOenjoymentinitformeduringtheprocessandlittleafteritrsquosdonerdquo--NatE

ldquoLightlyunpleasantpayingbills (thebestpart iswhen itrsquosover -- itrsquosnot really themoneyspendingaspect itrsquos the choregotta do drudgery aspect) supremely unpleasant counseling out or terminatingemployees(fortunatelynotveryregular)especiallyifothersthanmyselfshouldhavebeenprovidingmoreconstructivefeedbackpriortothesituationreachingthisnecessityrdquo--JoelR

ldquoPhone calls to difficult customers any kind of tax (FedState) preparation delivering bad news toanyonerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoUnsavoryTasksTheonlythingthatIwouldcategorizethiswayisthehomeworkstudyingrequiredformyStatistics(sadistics)classwhichIamcurrentlytakinginmyMBAprogramItisverydemandingandthesubjectmatterisoneaboutwhichIdonotparticularlycareHoweverIremindmyselfthatitwillsoonbeoverandthatthereareotherssufferingthroughitaswellAmethodIfrequentlyemploytogetmethroughthisandotherunsavorytasksistoremindmyselfthatitcouldalwaysbemuchworse

ldquoForinstancedespitethefactthatIhavenointerestinStatisticsIamabletodothehomeworkandpasstheexamsItwouldbeextremelyunpleasantifIwerelessintelligentandnotabletograsptheconceptsofthisrequiredcourseThemostcommonthingaboutwhichIconstantlyremindmyself is that Iamnot inwarItrytorevisitthefeelingthatIhadafterseeinglsquoSavingPrivateRyanrsquooradocumentaryIrecentlysawabout POWrsquos in Vietnam called lsquoReturnWith Honorrsquo Though this does not allow me to lsquoenjoyrsquo anunsavorytaskitgetsmethroughitwithminimalcomplaintrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoNowifIcouldonlyfindthesilverlininginscrubbingtheshowerstallrdquo--VickiS

ldquoCleaningoutthekittylitterusedbyourtwocatsrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIdislikemakingmybedIdonrsquotliketodoweekendchoresegfixingthingspaintingetc--avoidaslongaspossibleIdonrsquotliketogetupearly--doitforbusinessmeetingsortogetMaxtoschoolrdquo--CarlE

ldquoIhaveadifficult timeenjoyinganything thathasbadsmellsassociatedwith itYouprobablydonotneeddetailshererdquo--KarinU

ldquoTheroutinetasksthatareperformedinahurry(cleaninglaundrygroceryshopping)canbeenjoyablewhen not in a hurry Itrsquos not always the task that is unpleasant but the context in which it is beingperformedIthinkthecontextismuchmoreimportantingeneralthantheplacesandactivitiesThinkaboutdoingsomethingroutinebyyourselfwithsomeoneyoudonrsquotparticularlycareforandwithalonglostfriendItdramaticallychangesthelsquofun-nessrsquooftheactivitybecausetheactivityisnolongerthemainfocusCompanionshipcompatibilitylaughtertakeoverrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoUnsavory Tasks totally unpleasant is confrontation of any kind Although I have gotten better athandlingitIalwayshavesickfeelinginmystomachbeforeduringandafteraconfrontationwithsomeoneEvenifitturnsoutOKSomewhatrelatedismeetingorfacingstrangers--lotsofanxietythereunlesstheyaretotallyonmyturfwhereIhavesomeexperienceorexpertiseDonrsquotgetmewrongIdefinitelyenjoypeopleitjusttakesmetimetofeelcomfortableandperhapstrustingofthemrdquo--VickiH

ldquoUnsavoryTasks thinkingofwhat tomake for lunchesordinner I lovemaking the food I justhatedecidingwhattomakerdquo--GailC

PureOutcomeldquoVeryfewmomentsareperceivedaspureoutcomerdquo

--HughPrather

1ldquoThoughtwatchingrdquoisachallengingendeavorbecauseourthoughtstendtoloopasifonaldquothoughtwheelrdquoAthoughtrisesfromanynumberofsourcesquicklypeaksinintensitylaysdormantforawhileonlytoriseagainsomewhatlessintenselythanbefore

Rule6

Pause

ldquoNothingvaluablecanbelostbytakingtimerdquo--AbrahamLincoln

I used to joke thatAmericarsquos urban residentswere all communists becauseeveryone I knewwas rushinrsquo The quip still drawsmoderate laughter but theunderlying themes do not Nearly 30 years after Alvin Toffler pennedFutureShockhispropheciesareringingtrue--lifeisindeedspeedingup

Anditrsquosnotaprettysight

In todayrsquos up-tempo technologically driven society we rush aboutmercilesslyPhysicallywedriveourselves to fatigue traipsingcross-townandcross-countryMentallywedriveourselvestodistractioncreatinganeuralwebof rolesandresponsibility Increasinglyourdesire toarriveat thenextstationstopissopowerfulthatwefailtonoticethefruitstandsandchestnutoaksthatlineourpath

ldquoOurpatiencewillachievemorethanourforcerdquo--EdmundBurke

Howdoweslowthepace

By recognizing that the externalworldwill neitherwait for us nor slow tomeetourneedsMore thanacenturyafterAlexanderGrahamBellrsquos inventionalteredthenatureofhumancommunicationaprofusionofchoicesconfrontus-- voice mail and e-mail cell phones and pagers faxes and wireless InternetconnectivityWe thrill at the soundof awireless connection andpraise the e-

Gods for delivering faster hookups and high-speed data lines But have theyenhancedourqualityof lifeHavewegainedmorethanwersquovelostfromthesehigh-techtreats

Paradoxically many of the worldrsquos technological innovations threaten todissolve the very resource that they sought to create time And from allappearancesnotoolhasyettoappearonthetechnologicalhorizontoturnthattideWhichleavesuswithlittlechoiceIfwewishtodownshiftslowthetempoourbestchanceistoturninsideWeneedbetterfiltersbetterscreensweneedwaystomanagethestaggeringamountof incomingcerebral trafficInawordweneedtolearnhowtopause

ldquoThetimetorelaxiswhenyoudonrsquothavetimeforitrdquo

--SidneyJHarris

CalmingDownTheAmygdala

Brainresearchershaveconfirmedwhatwelonghaveknownintuitively--thattherersquos aphysiological benefit topausingRememberhowyourparentswouldtell you to ldquocount rsquotil 10rdquo when you became angry Do you know why thatworksIthastodowithhowyourbrainiswiredWhenacrisiseruptsroughly10ofyourneuronsarerouteddirectlytotheamygdalayourbrainrsquosemotionalcenterTheother90areroutedthroughthecerebralcortextheldquothinkingrdquopartofyourbrainScientistsbelieve thatwersquorewired thiswayforsurvival that ispart of our brain is designed to simply ldquoreactrdquo even before we ldquothinkrdquo Bycountingto10itallowsthoseneuronsthatfirsttraveledtotheamygdalatore-routeandgothroughthecerebralcortexThatisitgivesustimetoldquothinkrdquo

ACriticalSkill

Pausing is another of those critical life skills that school fails to address(ldquolisteningrdquo tops that list seeRule 11)And itrsquos not the easiest skill to learnPausing is difficult to improvebecausewe live in an agewhichpraises speedandglorifiesproductivity

ButlearningtopauseisworththeinvestmentItgivesustimetoreassessouroptionstochooseourwordsandactionsmorewiselyPausinggivesustimetocatchourbreathphysicallyandmetaphoricallytoidleourengineifonlyforamomentbeforewespeedoffinathousandnewdirectionsApausemaylastjust

a second or two (though aweek-long pause sounds somewhat appealing) butwhateverthelengtheachtimewechoosetopausewegiveourselvesapricelessgift--thegiftoftime

TryitoutThenexttimeyoustepintoyourcartrypausingforjustasecondortwobeforeyouturnontheengineflipontheradioorhookupyourseatbeltPausetakeadeepbreath

And tonight when you slip into bed pause for just a moment before youreach for the book on your night stand Throughout the day try pausing beforeyoudialthephoneorpouryourselfacoldonebeforeyousaynotoyourkids or yes to a volunteer request Soon enough yoursquoll find that simply bypausingyoursquovecreatedspaceforyourselfthatyouneverknewexisted

ldquoPatienceistheabilitytoidleyourmotorwhenyoufeellikestrippingyourgearsrdquo

--BarbaraJohnson

RushingisOptional

Thinkbacktoarecent timewhenyouwererushingaboutChancesare thematterwasnrsquoturgentthatistherewasnomedicalemergencyorlife-threateningsituation The fact is when we review lifersquos moments we find that only ahandfuldemand anup-tempopace aquick reactionor an instantaneous replyNonethelessourpersonalmantraisoneofspeedandhasteandsoonweforgetthatrushingisanoption

So

thenexttimeyoursquorelisteningtosomeoneyoulovetrypausingbeforeyouspeaklongenoughtohearyourprivatethoughts

andthenexttimeyousitdowntodothebillstrypausinglongenoughtohearyourworriesandyourfears

Chances are that if you take the time to pause yoursquoll quickly learn howpowerfulfivesecondscanbe

Tomorrowrsquos pressureswill come soon enoughTherewill be amoment ortwowhen your emotional center is fully chargedWhen thismoment arrivesconsiderRule6Itrsquosaphysiologicalfactthatamomentarystoppageinplay--beita20-secondtimeoutorafullone--willgiveyouenoughtimetoengagethethinkingpartofyourbrainThegoodnewsisthatinlifeunlikebasketballyoudonrsquotrunoutoftimeouts

ldquoInanycontestbetweenpowerandpatiencebetonpatiencerdquo

--WBPrescott

Wellnotexactly

FormoreseeAppendixBldquoLearningtoPauserdquo(p193)

Challenge6ACreateAPersonalTrigger

Todaywill be no different Today yoursquoll saymore than 10000wordsandmakemorethan1000decisionsAndthoughmostwillbeldquoautomaticrdquoa small handful will have a major impact on your self-esteem yourrelationshipsandyourlifedirection

Choose wisely But choose slowly Pausing is always in season butnevermoresothatwhenwespeakandwhenwedecide

Imagine if inside your neural network you were able to build anautonomicmechanismforpausingIfyoubuiltsuchasystemyourwordswouldmore likely inspire than irritate yourdecisionsbasedmoreonintelligencenotimpulsivity

So try creating a mental trigger for pausing that is a system thatinstructs you to pause before you speakAnd pause before youdecide

Yourldquotriggerrdquomightbe

diamsPhysicalplacingafingertoyourlipsdiamsVisualimagingwavesthatcomeshoreordiamsAuditoryhearingavoicethatsimplywhispersldquowaitrdquo

Thetrickistofindatriggerthatworksforyouonethatfitscomfortablyintoyour thoughtpatternandyourmental schemeExperimenthave funbeplayfulThenifyoufindonethatworkstrytomakeitapermanentpartofyourprocessIfyoudothebenefitswilllastalifetime

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowoftendoyoupause

ldquoPausingWhewwhataconceptIfevertherewereapersonwhowasinneedofthisconceptitmustbeme

ldquoRealizingthatandthenmovingonitisanothermatterindeedPratherrsquoswords1arenoteasilyadheredto(formeatleast)ItrulybelieveIamattimesalmostlsquoADDrsquoinmythinkingpatternsIhavereadandre-readPratherrsquoswordsAmstillnotfullyunderstandingthembutwillattempttomakethetwodayexerciserdquo

ldquoWillgetbacktoyouinthreedaystime(hopefully)Sendsearchteamsifyouhavenrsquotheardfrommeinthreedays--MickeyF

ldquoIhavebeentoldthatmeditationmakesusawareofourthinkingasbeinglikeframesinamoviewithever growing gaps between each framethought until it ismore gap than frame PauseAlways insightsseemtocomewhenwelsquodaydreamrsquo--theyseemtorequirethepause(thatrefreshes)rdquo--JohnN

Patience

ldquoOnlythosewhohavethepatiencetodosimplethingsperfectlywillacquiretheskilltododifficultthingseasilyrdquo

--JohannFriedrichVonSchiller

TheMostImportantTalentldquoIfIhavemadeanyvaluablediscoveriesithasbeenowingmoretopatientattentionthantoanyothertalentrdquo

--SirIsaacNewton

1HughPrather in his bookldquoNotes onHow toLive inThisWorld andStillBeHappyrdquooffers tips onlearningtopauseExcerptsappearinAppendixB

Rule7

Laugh

ldquoPeoplewholaughactuallylivelongerthanthosewhodonrsquotlaughFewpersonsrealizethathealthactually

variesaccordingtotheamountoflaughterrdquo--DrJamesWalsh

ItrsquosofficialThestatisticsareinLaughterheals

Three decades of research have confirmed what Norman Cousins knewinstinctively--thatlaughterworksItlowersbloodpressurereducesyourheartrateboostsyourimmunesystemandhelpsyoucopewithpain

As if thatrsquos not enough laughter also improves relationships builds trustamongalliesandenemiesandhelpsconquerfearsandanxietiesAndthoughnophysicianwillprescribe itandnopharmacystocks it itrsquosquitepossible thatadailydoseoflaughterisnaturersquosperfectmedicineanaturalhealer

ldquoAgainsttheassaultoflaughternothingcanstandrdquo--MarkTwain

More than 30 years ago Norman Cousins combined his extraordinaryintuition and courage to stake claim to the notion that laughter is indeed thebestmedicineCousins theorized then proved that a regular dose of laughterwouldremovethecancerfromhisbodyCousinsbecamelivingtestimonytothemind-bodyconnectiondemonstratingbeyonda shadowof adoubt thathumorheals

SinceCousinsrsquopioneeringworkresearcherstheworldoverhaveaffirmedthepower of laughter Countless studies confirm that laughter createsmeasurablephysiological changes in the human bodyA sampling of study results showsthatjovialburstscan

bullRelievepain--laughterhelpspatientscopewithpain--laughterreleasesendorphinsthebodyrsquosnaturalpainkillersbullLoweryourheartrate--ldquoWhenwelaughourheartrateincreaseswhenwefinishlaughingitthendecreasestoarateslowerthanbeforewestartedtolaughrdquobullRelaxyourmuscles--ldquoTensioninourmusclesincreaseswhenwelaughandlessensoncewersquoredonerdquobullImprovebreathing--ldquoIncreasedrespirationfromlaughingclearsoutthedeadspacesinourlungsareasthatnormallydonrsquotgetoxygenatedrdquoandbullBoostyourimmunesystem1

ldquoTimespentlaughingistimespentwiththeGodsrdquo--Japaneseproverb

LifersquosNaturalResource

And the body of research continues to grow confirming what we senseintuitivelythattheabilitytoexerciseourinnerclowndirectlyaffectsourabilitytoenjoylife

StarttoLaugh

Sothenexttimeyoursquoregrippedwithfrustration

oracaseofill-will

starttolaugh

Andthenexttimeyourvoicebeginstosoar

andyournervesbegintofray

starttolaugh

ldquoLaughteristhemosthealthfulexertionrdquo

--CWilhelmHufeland

BuywhimsicalbookswatchfrivilouscomediesVisitcomedyclubsandreadcartoonsMake funny faces in themirrorWhatever your fancymake time inyourbusyscheduletolaugh

Itrsquospowerfulmedicine

Challenge7ALaughingallthewaytowork

Youprobably think that Irsquommaking this up but at one time licensedpsychologist Phyliss Shanken was employed as a ldquohumor consultantrdquo(currently shersquos theDirector ofPsychologicalServices at INTROSPECTofBuxMontwwwpshankencom)Butdonrsquot let that foolyou -- shersquosanexpertonlaughingBelowPhylisssharesherownstoryandinsodoingchallengeseachofustoldquolaughourselvessillyrdquo

Phylissshowustheway

ldquoEverymorning on the way to my office when I reach thetraffic lightatFivePointsPlazaIstart to laughIt takesaboutthree to four minutes to drive from there to my office and Icontinue to laughheartily theentire time Irsquomalone in thecarno one has toldme a joke 91 FM radio is probably reportingdepressing news or guests on a talk show are discussingproblemsintheworldtodayYetIlaughInordertostartmyselfoff Idonrsquoteven try to thinkofanything funny I justbreak intoguffaws Ifpeople inothercarsgivemewide-eyedstares I justlaughmoreAfterallembarrassmentbreedslaughter

ldquoWhydoIputmyselfthroughthischortlingworkoutBecauseI know that according to Dr William Fry a Stanfordpsychiatristwhohasbeenastudentoflaughterforthreedecadeslaughing 100 times a day (about three minutes) is thecardiovascularequivalentof10minutesofrowingJust thinkof

book(inspecialsectionscallednotsurprisinglyldquoMyFriendsShareTheirThoughtsrdquo)Stopandreadoneortwoyoursquollbeimpressedwiththeirinsight

SothankyoutomysisterIlenemysister-in-lawCaroleuncleAllanbrother-in-lawBrucecousinsChrisJillMarnieandSteeve(yesitrsquostwoersquos)andfriendsgalorendashBobbiCordingleyCarlEcksteinGailChmuraDaveRuppGaryMillerJoelAnnReaJoeBrancatelliJohnNelsonJerrySemperKathyDowdKarinUdlerMarleyCasagrandeMickeyFilipponiNatEmeryRonTaylorSheilaFilipponiVickiHutmanandVickiSullivan

IrsquodalsoliketothankJayDeegandesignerextraordinairewhodesignedsixversionsofthebookcoverandimpressesusdailywithhisgeniusAndfinallyaspecialthankyoutomygoodfriendandcolleagueElizabethBushwhotookthetimetoeditthisbookanddelightmewithhercommentssuggestionsandcritiqueSheisaspecialpersonIwisheachofyoucouldmeether

ThankyouforpickingthisbookupIhopethatithasmeaningforyou

SteveFerberCharlestonSouthCarolina

September2012

IntroductionTheWindowampTheWind

ldquoManrsquosgreatnessliesinhispowerofthoughtrdquo--BlaisePascal

Inlargemeasurethisbookisaboutourthoughtsthethoughtsthatourmindcreates and re-creates as we experience life Thoughts are said to be thewindowtoourlivesbutIbelievethattheyarethewindaswell

There is no escaping the notion that our thoughts define our entire humanexperience--theystandbehindeverywordthatwespeakeveryactionthatwetakeand(nearly)everyemotionthatwefeelYetknowingthiswespendbutafractionofourtimeexaminingourthoughtsInsteadwespendmuchofourdayrepeatingtiredandworn-outthoughtpatterns

ldquoThekeytoeverymanishisthoughtrdquo--RalphWaldoEmerson

This book is about changing those patterns about thinking new thoughtsaboutcapturingmorehappymomentsdeliveringmorelovingsmilesCentraltoourthemeisthenotionthatwecanchoosewhattothinkthatweactuallyhaveachoice about what private thoughts to ponder But do we Can we actuallychoosewhattothink

Basedonwhatweknowaboutthephysiologyofthebrain--ie theneuralcompetitionbetweenlogic(thecerebralcortex)andemotion(theamygdala)--itappearsreasonabletospeculatethat1Wehavesomeabilitytochoosewhatwethink (though our powerful emotional centers honed over 40000 years forsurvivalcaneasilyoverwhelmourlogicsystems)2Eachindividualrsquosabilitytoldquochooserdquovariesdramaticallygiventhateachhumanbeingisauniqueblendof

natureandnurture3Weallarecapableofimproving--thatiseachofuscanenhanceourabilitytochoose

DoWeReallyHaveaChoice

AsayoungsterthenateenagerandyoungadultIviewedchoiceasnothingmorethanldquoactivityselectionrdquoInthiscontextchoicemeantdecidingwhattodonextwithourpersonalandfamilytime

ldquoWhatbookshouldIreadnextrdquo

ldquoWhatrestaurantshouldwegotofordinnerrdquo

ldquoWhatTVshowshouldIwatchrdquo

ldquoEveryeventthatamanwouldmastermustbemountedontherunandnomanevercaughtthereinsofathoughtexceptasitgallopedpasthimrdquo

--OliverWendellHolmes

If we are fortunate our lives offermany such choices But the concept ofchoicegoesfarbeyondmereactivities--choiceencompassesallthatwesay(thewords thatwespeak) all thatwedo (theactionswe take) andas Iwill soonarguenearlyallthatwethink(thethoughtsthatfillourminds)

DoWeChooseWhattoSay

OfcourseAfteralltoavoidoffendingotherswithourwordswecansimplychoosenottospeak(howeverdifficultthatmayseemattimes)Eachdaywersquorefaced with thousands of decisions none more critical than knowing when tospeak and in turn knowing what to say The words that we speak haveenormous influence over our lives because they define the health of ourrelationshipsThisiswhywemustchooseourwordscarefullytomakecertainthatweavoidatallcostsspeakingharshlytothosewhomwelove

DoWeChooseWhattoDo

NoquestionIfwewantedtoavoidoffendingotherswithouractionswecansimplychoosenottoact--tositquietlyandobserveandcontemplate

ButOurThoughts

CanwereallychoosewhattothinkIbelievethatwecanIbelievethatitrsquospossibletomoveourpersonalthoughttrackseversogentlyinthedirectionthatwedesireGrantedourthoughtpatternsaredeeplyingrainedandmayindeedsolidify with age But study after study personal experience after personalexperienceaffirmsthatchangeispossible

ldquoLifeistheonlygameinwhichtheobjectofthegameistolearntherulesrdquo

--AshleighBrilliant

Thekeyofcourse isawarenessAfterallhowcanwechangeourpatternsunlessweknowwhattheyare

HiddenFromtheWorld

Byand largeourmentalhabits arehidden from theworldThatrsquoswhy itrsquoseasierforafriendtotellustostopsmoking(physicalhabit)thantostopbeingself-critical (mental habit) Chances are that our friends probably know howmanytimesadaywesmokeacigarettebuttheylikelyhavenoideahowmanytimesadayweprivatelycriticizeourselves

Theworldisobsessedwithimprovingourphysicalhabits--wersquoretoldtoeatamorenutritiousbreakfastexercisethreetimesaweeksleepafulleighthoursa night But where are the comparable preachings for improving our mentalhabits

Yesourmentalhabitsmaybehidden from theworldbut theyrsquorecertainlynothiddenfromusThetruthisifyoupauselongenoughtoactuallywatchyourthoughtstoobserveandanalyzethemyoursquollquicklynoticehowrepetitivetheyare Though each of us considers ourselves unique and mysterious andcomplextherealityisthatourthoughtpatternsourldquoprivatethoughttracksrdquoarequitepredictable

Rest assured just as our neural networks instruct our body to move in acertainway(eg tyingourshoelacesswingingagolfclub)thesesameneuralnetworks instruct ourmind to think in a certainway (eg getting upsetwhensomeonecutsusoffintraffic)

ldquoYoubecomewhatyouthinkaboutrdquo

--EarlNightingale

LetrsquostakeanexampleSaythataclosefriendtellsyouthatyoursquorebeingtoosensitive Chances are that the comment will trigger a sequence of familiarthoughts that leadyou to criticize bothyourself andyour friendThepatternsareall toofamiliar--someoneinsultsyouand inaninstantyourcerebralCDbeginsplayingldquoThoughtTrack25rdquo

OrsaythatapersonchallengesyourauthorityInpopsldquoThoughtTrack41rdquotriggeringawell-wornsequenceofangerandrevengeAndsoitgoesmomentbymoment day after daywe play our pre-recorded thought tracks over andoverandoveragain

Itdoesnrsquothave tobe thatwayWecandeletedislikable tracksandbegin tore-stockthe libraryWecandiscardportionsofour inventoryandcreatefreshnewtracksforthecomingseasonEasytodoOfcoursenotbuttherewardsaresubstantialAfterallasidefromfamilyandyourfriendswhatrsquosmorepreciousthanyourprivatethoughttime

LetrsquosGetPhysical

Irsquoveoftenwonderedwhywespendsomuchtimetryingtoalterourphysicalhabits (eg cutting down on food alcohol or tobacco) but so little on ourmental habitswhywe spend somuch time learning newphysical skills (egguitar tennis yoga computer skills) but so little learning newmental skillsPerhaps itrsquos because our physical habits are public or perhaps itrsquos becausetheyrsquorejusteasiertolearn

Perhaps But imagine the benefits of learning new mental skills Imaginebuildinganinternalsystemwherethoughtscreateconfidenceandself-esteem

Shouldnrsquotwebepayingmoreattentiontoourmentalhabits

CreatingPrivateWordsofEncouragement

WordsareamongmanrsquosmostpowerfulforcesyetweoftenneglecttoharnessthemIrsquomsurethatyoucanrecallamomentinyourlifewhenawordortwo--from a person that you respect -- led you to change a personal decision orperhapsmoredramatically thecourseofyour life Itmayhavebeenasimple

suggestion (ldquoWhy donrsquot you give them a callrdquo) or it may have been strongwordsofsupport(ldquotrustyourinstinctsrdquo)

ldquoEverythoughtwethinkiscreatingourfuturerdquo--LouiseLHay

Irefertotheseurgingsasldquopublicwordsofencouragementrdquobecausewetakethese publicwords and incorporate them into our private thoughts to help usshape future decisionsWe hear publicwords of encouragement not just fromfriends and relatives but from authors and politicians script writers and talkshowhosts1

WhynotlearntocreateourownldquoprivatewordsofencouragementrdquoWhynotstartlisteningtoourselvesItismyferventhopethat21RulesToLiveBywillhelpyoudojustthat

IrecallhowstandingatafuneralseveralyearsagoIstartedtoimaginewhateveryonewasthinkingItseemedthatatthissingularmomentallpettydisputeshaddissolvedalldailyworrieshaddiminishedDuringthisoneuniquemomentitappearedthatwewereallofonemind--sharingthoughtsofloveandwarmthoffriendshipandcompassionYethourslaterintheprivacyofourcarorourhome or our thoughts we quickly reverted to our hackneyed thought tracksthoughtsthatcriticizeandcondemndestroyanddiminish

ldquoThoughttakesmanoutofservitudeintofreedomrdquo--HenryWadsworthLongfellow

Now alone in the privacy of my car I asked myself since theyrsquore justthoughtswhatpreventsusfromcreatingandre-creatingthesamethoughtsthatwe experienced at the funeral If theyrsquore just thoughtswhat prevents us fromcreating themwhilewersquore sitting in trafficweeding thegarden or paying thebillsWhymustwereverttooldpatterns

TheanswerofcourseisthatweneednotAllweneedisanewsetoftools

InthephysicalworldwersquorepresentedwiththousandsoftoolseachcreatedandsoldonthepromisethattheyrsquollsaveyoutimeorincreaseproductivityButrarearethetoolsdesignedtohelpusimproveourmentaloutlookShouldnrsquotwespendmoretimeshoppingforthem

MatchingtheMoments

21RulestoLiveByisonesuchtooldesignedtorelieveanxietyandtensionto diminish anger and aggravation to redirect your thoughts to a happier andhealthierplace

Oneofmyprimarygoalsinwriting21Ruleswastomakeitpracticalthatistoofferspecificldquowordsofencouragementrdquothatyoucouldsharewithyourselfatjusttherightmoment

Whatmomentsarewetalkingabout

diamsmomentswhenyoursquorestrugglingwithlifersquosuncertainties(Rules1-3)

diams moments when yoursquore overwhelmed with anxiety trying to calm yournerves(Rules4-8)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoreinteractingwithanotherpersonbe it a familymember a close friend or a newacquaintance (Rules 9-13)diamsmomentswhenyoursquoretryingtomakeadecision(Rules14-17)

ldquoThenoblestpleasureisthejoyofunderstandingrdquo--LeonardoDaVinci

diams moments when yoursquore creating then striving to reach a personal goal(Rules 18-20) and diams moments when yoursquore frustrated by people orinstitutionsthatremainunwillingtochange(Rule21)

In its simplest form 21 Rules To Live By is a ldquohow-tordquo journal offeringspecificwordsofencouragementforsomeoflifersquosmostanxiety-filledmomentsToo often after reading a self-help book I was left wondering ldquoOK IunderstandwhattheauthorissayingButnowwhatdoIdotocalmdowntofeelbettertofeelmorerelaxedrdquo

With this inmind I crafted each of the 21 ruleswith specificmoments inmindTheconceptwaswheneveroneof thesemomentspresenteditself therewouldbearule--awordofencouragementofguidance--tohelpbringusbacktocentertoeasetheanxietyortheangst

Examplewhenyoursquorestuckinmind-numbingtrafficandyourtemperatureisstarting to rise turn to Rule 4 (Live in the Present) or Rule 5 (Focus on the

Process) Or perhaps yoursquore privately negotiating a career change -- Rule 14(ListenToYourHeart)canhelp

Step1

Mind you the concept of linking words to moments may seem far toosimplistic to generate meaningful long-lasting change Consider then theserulesthesewordsasafirststeptowardsbuildingnewthoughthabitsnewwaysofthinkingaboutourdayrsquostravailsThetruthiswhilelifeisbothdynamicandunpredictable our thought tracks often are not and the more quickly werecognizethisandtakestepstochangethemthehappierwewillbe

ldquoItrsquosonlyathoughtandathoughtcanbechangedrdquo--LouiseMay

Onapersonalnote Ioftenhaveused theserulesduring timesofstressandfrustration and I am pleased to report have experienced notable successNaturally Irsquom not always soothed by just words (intense moments seem tooverwhelmmyability to listen)Butmore thannot theseprivatewordshavehelped my mental outlook releasing my private thoughts to travel in newdirections In essence these rules have helped createmoremental timemoretimeformetodreamandcreateinsteadofgrouseandcomplain

Myhopeisthatasyoureadthisbookyoursquollfindaruleortwothatworksforyou (naturallymorewould bewonderful)My hope is that yoursquoll find a rulethatwhenappliedatjusttherightmomentbringsyouasenseofinnercalmorpeace and lasts formore than amoment If that should be the case Iwill bepleasedbeyondmeasure

This book is not intended as a scientific journal (though itrsquos pepperedwithreferences) nor does it aim to explore the physiology of the human thoughtprocess(itdoestouchbrieflyonauditoryandvisualcues)Insteadthisbookissimplyabidtoofferpersonalwordsofencouragementthatyoucansharewithyourselfasyourmomentsunfold

Why21

Iselectedldquo21rdquorulesforahighlyscientificreasonallthreeofourdaughters(MelyssaNatalieampOlivia)andnowourfirstgrandchild(Emery)arebornonthe21stMywifeRoedeliveredallthreegirlsnaturallythatisnoscheduledC-

sectionsMymotherlovedthecoincidenceofnaturebecauseitwaseasyforhertorememberhergranddaughtersrsquobirthdates--sheonlyneededtorememberthemonth (September February and March by the way just in case yoursquoreplanningtobuyagift)Naturallysincethebirthofourdaughtersthenumber21hasbecomesomethingofafamilyemblemnottomentionthatblackjackismyfavoritecardgame

ldquoThoughtshavepowerthoughtsareenergyAndyoucanmakeyourworldorbreakitbyyourownthinkingrdquo

--SusanTaylor

WhyThese21

Theprocessofselectingthe21ruleswastobesureatouchmorescientificIt involvedmatching lifersquosmoments (eg alonewith our thoughts talking toothersmakingdecisions settinggoals)withspecific rules (it shouldbenotedhowever that the list of 21 is not necessarily in order of importance insteadtheyrsquoregroupedaccordingtomomentstofacilitaterecall)

TheongoingdebatewithinthefamilycontinuesoverRule1ForthebetterpartofadecadeRule1was toldquohavefunrdquo(itrsquosstill in themixdonrsquotworry)MywifeRoeandIstressed this rulebecauseparticularlyon theathletic fieldplayersoften forgot to enjoy themselves Instead theathletic fieldbecameyetanotherbattlegroundofegoandpersonalityToooftenyoungathletesweretoldto focus on winning instead of effort to emphasize aggression instead ofcompassion (no wonder we struggle to build tolerance between races andnations)SoldquohavingfunrdquobecameacentralfamilythemeThefactthatitrsquosbeensupplanted by a new1will likely stir family debates for the next decade ortwo

DonrsquotMissTheseIf yoursquore tight for time make sure you that donrsquot miss these three

passages (some of my favorites) -- ldquoYou Donrsquot Need More Self-Disciplinerdquo (page 68) --TheFirm-FlexContinuum (Rule 19 page169)and--LaughingAlltheWay(page62)

ldquoTheLawofAttractionattractstoyoueverythingyouneedaccordingtothenatureofyourthoughtlifeYourenvironmentalandfinancialconditionaretheperfectreflectionofyourhabitualthinkingThoughtrulestheworldrdquo

--JosephEdwardMurphy

TheRulesThemselves

Herethenisaquicklookatthe21rulesgroupedintosixbroadcategories

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1BeKindtoYourselfRule2HaveFunRule3WorkHard

Asnotedforthebetterpartoftenyearsourfamilyrsquos1rulewastohavefunInourcurrentlistithasnrsquotfallenfar(itrsquosnow2)butthatdoesnrsquotpreventourdaughtersfromgivingusgriefnowandagainTheyinsistthathavingfunisstill1intheirheartsFarbeitfromustodisagree

Butthenew1--BeKindtoYourself--isaworthycompetitorbecauseofitspower to transcend all others Too often we privately criticize ourselvesattacking both our decisions and behavior By and large this self-criticism isdetrimentaltoourwell-beingbluntingourabilitytogrowandevolve

Rule1isavariantonthegoldenrule--treatyourselfasyouwishforotherstotreatyouwithkindnessandpatiencewithgraceandcompassionThisisnrsquotto say that self-criticism doesnrsquot have its place -- it does as guilt and self-examinationareworthyassetsontheroadtoself-discoveryButtoooftenourprivateself-judgmentservestolessennotliftupoursenseofself

RulesforLivingwithYourself

Rule4LiveinthePresentRule5FocusontheProcessRule6PauseRule7LaughRule8CreateNewHabits

YearsagoIreadthefollowingquoteldquoNotonepersonin10000canliveinthe presentrdquo The quote intrigued me and has generated years of self-thoughtaboutboththemeaningofthatphraseandtheenormouschallengeofdoingsoRules 4 and 5 urge us to focus on themoment however impossible thatmayseemAndRules67and8offerusapathwayforwhattodowhenconfrontedbyanxietyandfrustration

ldquoYouaretodaywhereyourthoughtshavebroughtyouyouwillbetomorrowwhereyourthoughtstakeyourdquo

--JamesAllen

Life presents no shortage ofmoments inwhich to employ these five ruleseachaimedathelpinguslivewithourselves

RulesforLivingwithOthers

Rule9RespectPPIs(PersonalPreferenceItems)Rule10AvoidUSSs(UnsolicitedSuggestions)Rule11ListenRule12BeKindtoOthersRule13HelpOthers

Feelfreetoskipthissectionifyou1livealone2neverinteractwithotherpeopleand3havenoplansforengagingwithothersFortherestofyouyoursquollprobablyenjoyRules9and10whichaddressrespectandpersonalpreferences

Thisgroupofrulesalsoincludesoneofmyfavoriteslisten(11)Itrsquosquitepossible that listening is themost important human skill that is never taughtMoreaboutthislater

RulesforMakingGoodDecisions

Rule14ListenToYourHeartRule15TakeRisksRule16YoursquoreFreeToChangeYourMindAtAnyTimeRule17WelcomeMistakes

ldquoWefindithardtobelievethatotherpeoplersquosthoughtsareassillyasourownbuttheyprobablyarerdquo

--JamesRobinson

Regardless of what kind of decision yoursquore making these four rules willeasilyapplyRules14and15aredesignedtohelpyouwhileyoursquoremakingyourdecisionRules16and17willguideyouafteryoursquovemadeyourdecisionMyfavorite from this set is Rule 16 (Yoursquore Free to ChangeYourMindAtAnyTime)Itrsquosoneofthemostpopularrulesinourhouse

RulesforAchievingYourGoals

Rule18ZerotoOneRule19BeFirmYetFlexibleRule20SetGoalsNotExpectations

Ifyoursquorethekindofpersonwhosetspersonalgoalsyoursquollenjoythesethreeplusadetailedintroductorysectionwhichdescribesthesixmajortenetsofgoal-settingdrawnfrom theworldrsquos leadingexpertsRules18and20aredesignedforusebeforeyousetyourgoalsinstoneAndthentherersquosmypersonalfavoriteRule19 (BeFirmYetFlexible)which I seem tousedailyboth toguidemydecisionsandactionsandre-establishbalanceinmylifeWhateveryoudodonrsquotmissRule19

TheFinalRule

Rule21QuestionAllRules

Some years ago we taught our daughters an important life rule -- ldquoSeekForgivenessNotPermissionrdquo -- on the condition that theywould never use itagainst us I still love that rule and use it frequently (as do our daughters)becauseitunderscorestheessenceofRule21QuestionAllRules

Lifeisfilledwithaplethoraofrules--fromgrammarrulesandunionrulestodrivingrulesandtaxrulesjusttonameafewIrsquomnotabigfanofrules(makingitallthemorecuriouswhyIwroteabookentirelyaboutrules)whichiswhyIenjoyRule21

Toooftenweareaskedtofollowrulesofquestionablelogic(ldquoIrsquomsorrysirbutthatrsquosjustourpolicyrdquo)andsoonoursenseoffairnessispiquedIsupposethatonecouldsimplycomplyandacquiesce to the torridstreamof rules thatrunour lives Iprefernot Iassume theposition thatchallengingrules ismorethananoptionitrsquosanobligationaresponsibilitySoasyoureadthroughthese21offeringspleasequestionthematwill

ldquoAlltrulywisethoughtshavebeenthoughtalreadythousandsoftimesbuttomakethemtrulyourswemustthinkthemoveragainhonestlytilltheytakerootinourpersonalexperiencerdquo

--JohannWolfgangVonGoethe

Goodnessknowsourdaughtersdo

RulesThatSoothe

MyhopeisthatwithinthesepagesyouwillfindaruleortwothatbothsuitsandsoothesThetruthiswecanre-writeourpersonalscriptswecanthinknewthoughtswecanchoosewhatwethink

So if yoursquove ever been angry frustrated upset overwhelmed conflictedworried agitated furious frantic uneasy perturbed anxious nervous tenseapprehensiveboredannoyedbeleagueredorstressedlikemethenthisbookisforyou

Enjoy

SloppyThinkingldquoSloppythinkinggetsworseovertimerdquo

--JennyHolzer

1 I remember taking inspiration from a small mistake made by Helen Hunt at the Academy AwardspresentationsomeyearsagoShebeganbyfirstmispronouncingthenmissingentirelyawordortwoFiveseconds intoherpresentationshepolitelypausedandsaidldquoLetrsquosstartagainrdquoAndsoshedidNoonecriticizednooneblinkedSmoothlyandwithoutfanfareshesimplydecidedtoldquostartoverrdquoteachingusallhowsimpleitcanbetobeginagain

RulesforLivingEveryMoment

Rule1

BeKindToYourself

ldquoAccepteverythingaboutyourself--ImeaneverythingYouareyouandthatisthebeginningandtheend--no

apologiesnoregretsrdquo--ClarkMoustakas

Tobeginashortquiz

Name the threepeoplewithwhomyouhavespent themost time in the lasttwo years Feel free to place the book aside as you contemplate the answerWersquollwaitHmmmhmmmhmmm

ldquoItisofpracticalvaluetolearntolikeyourselfSinceyoumustspendsomuchtimewithyourselfyoumightaswellgetsomesatisfactionoutoftherelationshiprdquo

--NormanVincentPeale

NorushTakeyourtime

OurquizofcourseisabitoftomfoolerybutitsanswerisanythingbutThepersonwithwhomyouspendthemosttimemoment-inmoment-out(noneedtojotthisonedown)isyouThepointistranslucentwhenitcomestokindnessweoftenneglectthepersonwithwhomwespendallofourtime

Whyisthat

TheworldrsquosuniversalmessageistotreatotherskindlytoavoidcriticismandblametoimpartloveandunderstandingWersquoreencouragedtoextendourselvesonalloccasionstobestowcompassionandgenerosityonourfellowtravelersinhopes that theywill treat us in kind Sowhy pray tell dowe abandon thesepreceptswhendealingwithourselves

Youmayhaveheardthepopularmaxim

ldquoThepeoplewelovethemostaretheoneswecriticizethemostharshlyrdquo

TheadagereflectsourparadoxicalfamilylifebutitalsoappliestoourmostintimaterelationshiponewhichweoftenfailtocultivateandnurtureWhenwasthe last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled You smile atothers donrsquot youWhy not smile at yourselfWhy do we treat others morekindlythanourselves

ldquoKnowthatyouareyourgreatestenemybutalsoyourgreatestfriendrdquo

--JeremyTaylor

Rule1turnsacenturies-oldproverbintoamodern-dayadage

Dountoyourselfasyouwishforotherstodountoyou

Welongforothers to treatusgently toforgiveourmissteps tounderstandourfailingsandtoshoweruswithloveIfweaskthisofotherswhynotaskitofourselves

ldquoYouyourselfasmuchasanybodyintheentireuniversedeserveyourloveandaffectionrdquo

--Buddha

Lest we relegate self-criticism to the back shelf letrsquos acknowledge thatanimadversionhasitsplaceforaproperdoseofintrospectionandself-critiqueoftenleadsustoactresponsiblyButtakentoextremesself-criticismbecomesanaggingnegativeforcewhichoftenchipsaway(sometimeseatsaway)atourself-confidenceandgoodnature

Rule1carriesagentlemessage--whendealingwithyoubekind tendercompassionate patient thoughtful caring and loving Rule 1 says to treat

yourself as you would a close friend -- by listening with compassion byacceptingmistakesbybeingacalmvoiceinatroubledseaandbyusingwordsthatsoothe(notcriticize)whenyoursquoreupset

So be kind to yourself And remember that the person to whom yoursquoredirectingthiskindnesswillappreciateitGuaranteed

Challenge1ATreatYourself

WhywaitforyourbirthdayItseemsfashionableoflatetomakegiftlists for every occasion not just birthdays Why not create one of yourown

Gillian Butler amp Tony Hope authors of ldquoManaging Your MindrdquomaintainthatldquogivingyourselftreatsisaskillthatneedstobedevelopedrdquoThefirststepldquoTogiveyourselfpermissiontohavetreatsrdquoButlerampHopeexplain ldquoTreats bring pleasure and pleasure is worth having purelybecauseitmakesyoufeelgoodButtreatingyourselfwillalsoenableyouto accomplishmore and enable you to change inways that are right foryourdquo

Theyaddldquo Thewonderful thingabout treats is that theycangivepleasurewellbeyondwhatwouldseempossibleThesecretistochoosetheright treats for you Once we are grown-up life can become so full ofchores both at home and atwork that it is easy to get bogged down inroutineandforgetpleasureItiswhenlifersquosproblemsaregettingontopofyouthatitbecomesparticularlyimportanttorewardyourselfrdquo

YourTwo-StepChallenge

Step1MakealistofthingsthatyouenjoyandStep2Refertothelistasoftenaspossible(forexamplesseeAppendixA)Andherearetwohintstoguideyou

a)Thelongerthelistthebetterandb) Remember to include treats both large (taking a vacation) and

small(egspendingafewextraminutesoverbreakfast)

SeeAppendixAforwaystotreatyourself(p189)

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsDoyoutreatyourselfkindly

ldquoDonrsquotyouthink[treatingourselveskindly]evolveswithage(likeallothergoodthings)Itrulybelievethatwe gain somuchwisdom through experience and it becomes easier each day to practicewhatwepreachtakeonedayatatimeviewlifeasshortetcetcAllthoseclichesthatIheardasachildsuddenlytakeonnewmeaningMyguessisthatnooneofusisaskindtoourselvesaswearetoothersalthoughIrsquollbet(andhope)manyofusarealotkinderthanweusedtoberdquo--MarleyC

ldquoIhaveknown[howimportantitistotreatmyselfnicely]andhavepreachedthattoothersforyearsWhy is it that I have so much trouble doing it myself The old saw is true lsquoPhysician heal thyselfrsquo[Treatingoneselfwellis]somethingtoworkforinsteadofgoingcomplacentlythroughliferdquo--NatE

ldquoItrsquosatoughquestionLatelytherehasbeenalotofactivityinourlivesandwejustarenrsquotgettingyounger I believe we are just as critical of ourselves as always However speaking for myself I findmyselfrealizingthatIhavedonemybestandlettingmyselfgetoffalittleeasierthaninmyyoungerdaysIntheolddaysIwouldworkuntilthejobwasfinishedinaccordancewithmyownhighpersonalstandardsTodayIwillpushmyselfhoweverwhenIstartfeelingthewearandtearIevaluatewhereIamandtakethetimetogetthebatteriesrechargedSomeoldmilitaryexpressionsthatdescribethisfeelingare

lsquoFoughtandlivedtofightanotherdayDiscretionisthebetterpartofvalorrsquo

ldquoSoinsummaryItreatmyselfwithalittlemorekindnesssoIcanreturnandgetbackinthefraythenextdayTorevertbacktotheolddayswouldbedetrimentaltoonersquoshealthTakingatimeoutisnrsquotbaditrsquossortoftreatingyourselftokindnessPerhapsitrsquosasignofoldagebutIhavelearnedtoappreciatethesimpler thingsof life such as a dinner at homewith all of the familymembers in attendance attending

churchservicesasafamilydininginordiningoutwithsomegoodfriendsspendingadaywithsomeoldfriendstodiscusslifeingeneralrdquo--DaveR

LovingYourselfldquoIf you arenrsquot goodat loving yourself youwill have a difficult timeloving anyone since yoursquoll resent the time and energy you giveanotherpersonthatyouarenrsquotevengivingtoyourselfrdquo

--BarbaraDeAngelis

Rule2

HaveFunAnytimeAnywhere

ldquoNowandthenitrsquosgoodtopauseinourpursuitofhappinessandjustbehappyrdquo

--GuillaumeApollinaire

Whodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

The question brings to mind a memorable line from The Four Seasons amovie in which old friends bid to re-connect Following a tense moment ofrelational frictionCarolBurnett turns toher friendsandasksldquoArewehavingfunyetrdquo

ldquoFunisagoodthingbutonlywhenitspoilsnothingbetterrdquo

--GeorgeSantayana

ThequestionthoughplayfulcarriesananswerofconsiderableconsequenceforhowisitthatweachievefunWhodecideswhenwersquorehavingitAndmoreimportantlyhowdoesoneacquireit

Firstandforemost itrsquos important toembracethenotionthathavingfunisaskillone thatwecanbothcultivateandnourishSomeofcoursebelieve thatthe skill is innate but I beg to differ Having fun is no different thanhandwritingwebdesignhopscotchorgolf theyrsquoreallworthdeveloping (yesevenhopscotch)Buthow

Challenge1WhereDoesFunLive

Our first challenge is to findoutwhere fun livesBasedon lifersquosunwrittenrules fun is reserved for special places (eg beaches theaters golf coursesamusement parks and restaurants) and special occasions (eg weddingsbirthdaypartiesandvacations)

WhatdoesyourfunprofilelooklikeWheredoyouexperiencethemostfunChances are that your fun profile will reveal consistent patterns of peopleplaces and activities The trick of course is to find ways to expand youruniversetonewvenues--egwaitingintrafficcleaningoutthegaragepayingthebillsordoinghomework

ldquoPeoplearegoingtobemostcreativeandproductivewhentheyrsquoredoingsomethingtheyrsquorereallyinterestedinSohavingfunisnrsquotanoutrageousideaatallItrsquosaverysensibleonerdquo

--JohnSculley

Imagine just for a moment if you were capable of having fun anywhereanytimenomatterthetask

Yoursquore laughingnowIcanhearyouYoursquore thinkinghowabsurd to thinkthatfixingaflatwaitinginlineortalkingtoatelemarketeratdinnertimecanbeenjoyable Perhaps But if you take amoment to examine the concept yoursquollsoonseethepossibilities

Challenge2WhoDecidesWhenYoursquoreHavingFun

LogicwoulddictatethatyouandyoualoneareincontrolthatyoumakethecallDonrsquot bedeceivedThe externalworld -- the institutions that speak tousand thepeoplewhocontrol them --plays amajor role in shapingourviewofldquofunrdquoCaseinpointHollywoodAndafterawhileitrsquossafetoassumethatourinternalthoughtsbegintoconformtothesenotions

HowthendowefightthewaveHerersquosoneapproach

Step1ObserveYourFZs

Beginbyexploringyourfunzones(FZs)thatistheactivitiesandplacesthatyou associate with fun The key is to observe your thought patterns becausethoughtsnotplacesarewhatcreatetheldquofunrdquoexperience

Step2Understand

Itrsquos important to remember that changing onersquos thought habits can be bothdifficultandfrustratingsopatienceisinorderThekeytoanypersonalchangeis observation awareness and perspective But it takes time So be kind toyourself(Rule1)andpatientwithyourprogressDonrsquotdemandtoomuch

ldquoEventheworstofjobshastheirpleasuresifIwereagravediggerorahangmentherearesomepeopleIcouldworkforwithagreatdealofenjoymentrdquo

--DouglasWilliamJerrold

Step3TheGrandThoughtExperiment

Nowthefunpart--theGrandThoughtExperimentThenexttimeyoursquoreinaUFZ (Unauthorized Fun Zone) be it a fixed thought track or an undesirableplacetrytomoveyourthoughtseversogentlyinapositivedirection

UFZs surround us Each day we encounter traffic jams hostile bossescheckout lines family conflicts household chores and disgruntled workassociatesAndalltoooftenwhenweenteraUFZwetriggerthesameseriesofnegativethoughtsnegativeimpressionsInsodoingwemissanopportunitytore-program

Herersquosoneofmyfavoriteexamples

Itrsquos moving day and yoursquore thoroughly exhausted from weeks ofpreparation and transition The moving crew is pulling out after fourgrueling hours of unloading Boxes are everywhere Stress level andpersonalfatiguehavereachedepicproportions

Thephoneringsandyoursister-in-lawasksyouhowyoursquoreholdingupMoments lateryouutter thoseunmistakablewords --ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquo

Themessage thoughsubtle isclearwhen theboxesareawaywhenthekitchendrawersarelinedwhenthedrapesareupwhenthegarageisorganizedwhentheworkbenchisreadyforuseTHENIrsquollbehappyAndnotamomentsooner

ThetelltalephraseofcourseisldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

WaitinginanIllusion

Hardaswetrytoenjoythemomentwersquoreforeverwaitingtoenjoyourselveswaiting tohave funwaiting tocomplete theperceiveddrudgery toexperiencethatldquohappymomentrdquosomewheredowntheline

ldquoPeoplerarelysucceedunlesstheyhavefuninwhattheyaredoingrdquo

--DaleCarnegie

DonrsquotwaitWaitingisanillusion

Imagine that yoursquore on your way home after a long day Suddenly itrsquosbumper to bumper traffic and that happymoment that yoursquove dreamt about isslipping away The point is transparent -- yoursquore free to enjoy themoment athandTherersquosnoneedtowait

OrsayyoursquorehomeanxioustocurluponthecouchwithagoodbookwhenyourememberthechoresthatawaitSoyouthinkldquoAhhhoncethosechoresarefinishedthenIrsquollbehappyrdquo

DonrsquotwaitDonrsquotwaittobehappy

WespendanenormouspartofourmentalliveswaitingtobehappywaitingforthathappymomentWhatrsquossostrangeisthatmanyofthesehappymomentsnevermaterializeandwhentheydotheyoftendisappointSodonrsquotwait

InsteadstartturningUFZsintoFZsAndremember

diamsItrsquospossibletobeginenjoyingyournewhomefromthemomentyoustepinside

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymowingthelawnfixingtheshelfandrepairingtheleakinthefaucet

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy making a late-night run to the market even ifyoursquoretiredandcrankyandarereadyforbed

ldquoTheultimategoalofamoreeffectiveandefficientlifeistoprovideyouwithenoughtimetoenjoysomeofitrdquo

--MichaelLeboeuf

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoypreparingforamajorpresentationorgoingtoyourannualphysical

diamsItrsquospossibletoenjoymulchingtheyardhoweverintentyoumightbeonplantingthenewflowersand

diams Itrsquos possible to enjoy thewriting process evenwhen yoursquore endlesslystuckinmentaltraffic

So the next time you find yourself annoyed frustrated disappointed ordisillusionedthinkfun

YoucanmakeithappenAnytimeAnyplace

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIshavingfunaskillIfsoisitnaturallyacquired

ldquoIthinkitisaskillandIstronglysuspectthatitisnaturallyacquiredbysomeanddevelopedbyothersThinkingaboutitinthesetermsforthefirsttimeitseemsandIsuredohopethatbypayingattentiontoonersquospatternsonesurely[can]learnhowtoimproveontheirabilitytohavefunWhywouldnrsquotitbelikeotherbehaviormodificationrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoItrsquosnotaskillbutmoreanintrinsicnaturallygivenabilitythatsomeareblessed[with]SayingthatIdo believewe are able to determine our destiny as to livingbeing in the lsquotimersquo of lsquofunrsquo ormaking thatchoicerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIbelievethatonecanlearntohavefunmorefunifonecangetintouchwithinternalbarrierstosuchenjoymentSometimesittakesexternalhelptoidentifydealwiththebarriersrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIbelieveweallhavethecapacityforfunbutvaryinouropportunityandability(skill)tohavefunIthinktherearemanywaystohavefunandthisvariesfrompersontopersonThereisthefunthatyouhavebecauseyouenjoyanactivityandaresocaughtupinityoudonrsquotrealizehowmuchfunyouarehavingThishasmoretodowithcapacityandopportunityTheotherkindoffunisbeingabletoenjoywhatyouhavetodoandthisIthinkcanbemoreofanattitudeorskillwhichcanbedevelopedovertimeThisiswhereIthinkyour21rulesstarttocomeinsuchasbeingmindfulandbeingabletostepbacktoseetheabsurdrdquo--KarinU

ldquoHaving fun is a naturally acquired state one enters into Fun is individual People have fun in verydifferentwaysEventheseriouspersonmayhavefunbeingseriousFunisdynamicchangingthroughlifeThingsoneusedtohavefundoingmaynotbefunanymoreandotherthingsarenowfunOnceonehasidentifiedwhatisfuntothemonecanimprovetheirabilitytoincreasethelevelorintensityofthefuntheyhave(thatpartmaybeaskill)atanactivityrdquo--VickiH

ldquoHmmmSomefolksdoseemtohavemorefacilityforitoraremoreopentotheexperiencelsquoFunrsquoisintheeyeofthebeholderInnatelycuriouspeopleandthosewholaughoftenseemtofindfuninmanythingsThesearealsooftenthepeoplewhoareseldomboredastheirmindscanbeengagedbyvirtuallyanythingDoesthismeantheyhavealsquoricherrsquobrainscapeItwouldseemthatyoucouldshapefunskillsbyexposingthoselessadepttonon-threateningfunenvironmentsandhelpingthemgivethemselvespermissiontohavemorefunrdquo--JoelR

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsIfhavingfunisaskillwhatrsquosyourskilllevelAnd

whatwasit10yearsago

ldquoSkill assessment presently is 90 Ten years ago fun at least for me was more dependent onsituations company demands of time money availability and other external influences I was moreconcernedwithhow tohave fun thanwhat reallywas funAgehasgivenmemaybea little insightandwisdomandhasmademeappreciatethatfunisarelativelysimpleconceptItdoesnotrequireplanningmoneysuccessdemandssituationsorequipmentItrequiresonlythedesiretoexperienceitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoPart I 70 (having fun is a highpriority tome this could explainwhy I have chosen to lsquoplayrsquo for aliving)

ldquoPart II 80 -90Definitely itwashigher10years agoWhyMore responsibilities inbothworkandhome lifeAlso less energy (no I am not getting older) to do the crazy fun thing I used to do and tomaintainthelonghoursdoingfunthingsorsqueezinginasmuchfunstuffasIcouldrdquo--VickiH

ldquoIfIamunderlowstressIcanhavefundoingalmostanythingProbablythesame10yearsagoIfstressgoesupmyabilitytohavefundiminishesrdquo--CarlE

ldquoPart125skillfulathavingfunoneveryendeavorIfinditmoredifficultasIgetolder(whyisthat)YouthiswastedontheyoungOrisitthatmymemoryisselectiveandIseemtoonlyrememberthefunineverythingbackwhenIwasyounger

ldquoPartII--Iwouldsaythat10yearsagomyskilllevelwasmoreatthe35levelrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoMyskilllevelforhavingfuntodayiscertainlyhigherthanitwas10yearsagoButIthinkthisislikethewaterlevelintheriveritgoesupanddowndependingonlsquotheweatherrsquoSomedaysmyskilllevelisreallyhighOthersitrsquosmuchlower(YoursquollnoticeIavoidedtheextendedsimilebyavoidingtheuseofthetermldquodrierrdquo)

ldquoOnaverageIgavemyself lesspermissiontohavefun10yearsagoNowIsometimes lookforFunZonesbyorderingdessertfirst

ldquoIfIweretochartitIrsquodsaytheskillofhavingfunisalineofeverincreasingslopeliketheDow-JonesaveragesItisnotquantifiableasinsettingaspecificvalue(lsquoAllsixyearoldsneedtoreacha17rsquo)Itisrelative The same scene the same lsquofunrsquo experienced by two individuals will bring about two differentreadingsonlsquothefunscalersquoInchildhoodfunisafunctionofsocialsettingandfeelingsecureAtoddlerrsquossquealswill turn tohowls in thepresenceofa strangerAtpuberty the slope increasesagainwith someveryhighspikesThenuponlsquojobacquisitionrsquotheslopelevelsoutagainbutstillincreases(NoteJobacquisitionfollowsfraternitysororityyearsthelastseriousspikesformostofus)Middleagebringsmoreupsandmoredowns(Menopausecangoeitherwaydependingonyourpointofview)FinallymaturitysettlesinThisiswhenyouaresecureenoughtohavefunwheneveryoufeel likeit Finalword theonlythingthatpreventsusfromhavingfunistheweightofthebagoflsquoshouldsrsquowecarryonourshoulders--NatE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhodecideswhenyoursquorehavingfun

ldquoThisisadifficultquestiontoponderFunasanindividualwouldmeantheindividualwouldbetheonlyonewhocoulddecideifhesheishavinglsquofunrsquo

ldquo Alsodoessocietydictatewhat islsquofunrsquoandnotfunSomesocietiesfindfunin thingswewouldfindalarminganddangerouswhereaswhatwedeemasfuntheymightfindstrangerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoIs having fun -- enjoyingmyself I can truly enjoy what I am observing in others -- students in aclassroompeoplehelpingeachotheragreatsoccerbasketballorbaseballmomentetcIamhavingfunatthesemomentsandallIrsquomdoingisobservingothers

ldquoSoooooowhenever Imight say lsquoI enjoyed thatrsquo Iguess I amhaving funanddetermining itmyselfWhen I amwith others and everyone is laughing and being fresh to each other othersmay think I amhavingfunbecauseIamrelaxingandshowingasideofmethatIdonrsquotoftenhavetimetolsquoletoutrsquoIamprobablyNOTenjoyingthosemomentsbutothersperceivemeashavingfunGofigureIdohavefunteasingotherssowhenIamin thecompanyofmybrothermybabysistermystudentsoryou I reallyhavefunrdquo--GailC

ldquoIt depends Sometimes I decide in the midst of something that it is really fun sometimes theanticipationofanactivitybythegroup[Irsquomwith]foreshadowsaneventasfun

ldquoTherecertainlyarebeliefsbysocietyatlargeastowhatisfunForexampletakethebeachIfyoutelljustaboutanyonethatyouaregoingtothebeachtheireyeswilllightupandtheywillthinkyoursquoreluckytobegoingtothebeachtohavelsquofunrsquoYoumightnotbeveryexcitedinsomecaseslikeifyouaregoingwithpeopleyoudonrsquotwanttobewithorifyoursquoregoingtoabeachthatyoudonrsquotparticularlylike

ldquoHopefullyyoursquollhavemorecontroloveryourlifethanthisoryoursquollbeabletogoagainsoonundermorepleasantcircumstancesLotsoffactorsgointolsquofunrsquoandIagreethatfunisoftendefinedbysocietyUnlessofcourseapersonisbrutallyhonestandadmitsthatheshedoesnrsquotexpecttohavefunButinmyexperiencemostpeopleliketoportraytheirsparetimeasfilledwithfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoHowcanthedecisionofwhetherornotoneishavingfunexistwithanyonebuttheindividualindesigningyourownenvironmentevencleaningthehousecanbefunREALLYitjustdependsonhowyougoaboutlookingatyourenvironmentIfyouconstantlyperceivelifeasaseriesofchallengeswithnoopportunityforenjoymentthenfunisnotgoingtobeaningredientofeverydaylifeFuniswhatonemakesofasituationrdquo--KathyD

ldquoIdecidewhenIamnothavingfunItusuallyisnrsquotuntillaterthatIrealizethatIhadagoodtimeIfIrsquomtalkingwithintelligentpeopleIamusuallyhavingfunrdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhatpreventsusfromhavingfun

ldquoIampreventedfromhavingfunwhenIhavetoomanythingstodoIloveitwhenthekidstellmetolsquolightenuprsquoorlsquochillrsquoMyauntalwaysusedtosaylsquoDonrsquotworryaboutthedirtinthehouseItwillbetherein20yearsTake time toenjoyyour childrenrsquo Ineed to remember thatmoreoften in regards to lotsofthingsrdquo--GailC

ldquoIwishIknewThereinliesthecruxoftrulybeinglsquohappyrsquoinonersquoslifeItrsquosnotthatIrsquomunhappydoingmundanechoresInfactIsortofgetabitofpleasurewiththembecausetheykeepmymindoffofotherthingsItrsquosgettingtothemthatsometimesisthelsquotestrsquoBecasuewedonotlikenecessarilythelsquothoughtofrsquodoing thesechorestaskswe tend toput themoffbutoncewersquore into themandaccomplish them I findmyselffeelinglsquogoodrsquoaboutacheivingthetaskorgettingitoverwithAndtherearesomanyoftheselittlesillytasksjobsthingsthatweputoffcleaningthegasgrillpaintingthetrimcuttingthegrassetcrdquo--MickeyF

ldquoThebaggagewecarrypreventsusfromorallowsustohavefunExhaustionhungerpovertyweatherconditionsetccanpreventusfromhavingfunrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAprivatewascleaningtheflooraroundaconferencetableasthreeofficersdiscussedsexTheCaptainsaidlsquoIthinksexis90pleasureand10workrsquoTheMajorsaidlsquoIthinksexis50pleasureand50workrsquoAndtheGeneralsuggestedthatlsquoSexis90workand10pleasurersquoUnabletoagreetheyturnedtotheprivateandaskedhisviewRepliedtheprivatelsquoIftherewereanyworkinitatallyoursquodhavemedoingitforyoursquoWhateveritisyouwouldnotwanttheprivatetodoforyouhastobeaplusonthefunsiderdquo--CarlE

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWheredoesfunlive

ldquoFun liveseverywhere exceptKosovoWhereverpeoplecan reflect and laughat themselvesor lifersquosabsurditiesyouhavefunIfithurtsitainrsquotfunPatchAdamshadtheknackforconversionrdquo--CarlE

ldquoFunliveseverywhereanywhereFuniswhatonemakesittobeItisenjoymentoflifeandonersquosparticipationinlifeFuncannotbeobserveditmustbeexperiencedItistheabilitytoappreciatethefactthatwearealiveandwecanmakechoicesFuniswhatitismadetoberdquo--KathyD

ldquoThatreallydependsonwhoyoutalktoandwhenFunformecanbeinmyhouseinfrontofthefirewithabookandsometimeILOVETHATIknowpeoplewhocanrsquotstandtobealonewithoutoneplan

afteranotherFunlivesintheeyesofthebeholderrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoAquickthoughtonfun I try tohavefunwithwhateverIdobutI insistonhavingfunwithanyleisuretimeactivitiesortofurtherdefineitnon-workorresponsibilityrelatedIfIamvolunteeringdoingcross-stitch or reading a book I want it to be fun But I donrsquot necessarily define fun as the laughingsquealingkindof activity [instead] I define it as something thatgivesmepleasureAnd Irsquoll try to findpleasure in themundaneeitherby losingmyself inmy thoughts (whichareprobably70present30past)orappreciatingthesimpleactofaccomplishment

ldquoMy friends and family always grumble because I insist on frequently using my good bone chinadinnerwareandsterlingTheyobjectbecauseitmustbewashedanddriedbyhandIhavealwayssaidthatIgetasmuchpleasurefromthesimpleactofwashinganddryingitasIdofromusingitItrsquosbeautifulIloveitand Iwould ratherwashanddry it than let it situnusedandunappreciated inaclosedchinacabinetMaybethisisnrsquoteveryonersquosideaoffunbutitfloatsmyboatrdquo--VickiS

ldquoJollityItrsquosaframeofmindSomepeoplehavefundoingthemostridiculousthingsAndnooneelseseemstohavethesameamountoffununlesstheyaredoinglsquoitrsquowiththefirstpersonrdquo--NatE

Rule3

WorkHard

ldquoWhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoftenthingsIdidwerefailuresIdidnrsquotwanttobeafailureso

Ididtentimesmoreworkrdquo--GeorgeBernardShaw

Chances are if I had composed a list of rules a decade ago ldquowork hardrdquomightnothavecrackedthetop20nolessthetop5Butwitheachpassingdaywitheachnewlifeexperienceitrsquosclearthatworkinghardisthekey--tonearlyeverything Whether yoursquore building a relationship or building a reputationworkinghardistheoneingredientyoucanrsquotaffordtoleaveout

ldquoLazinessmayappearattractivebutworkgivessatisfactionrdquo

--AnneFrank

Not that we stop searching for alternatives Letrsquos be honest wersquore foreverlookingforshortcutswaystoreachourgoalsinlesstimewithlesseffortButastimeandexperienceteachustheretrulyisnosuchthingasafreelunch

Nottosaythatcertainshortcutsdonrsquotdeliver--ATMsfreeusfromlongbanklines and computers free us from retypingourmanuscripts on typewriters and we certainly enjoy remote controls ice makers fast tolls electric canopenersande-mail--eachdesignedtosaveuspreciousmoments

ButtoaccomplishgoalsofsubstancetodeveloprelationshipsthatlasttherearenoshortcutsStillwepursuethemaffirmingthatwedoindeedbelieveinmagic

ldquoNoonecanarrivefrombeingtalentedaloneGodgivestalentworktransformstalentintogeniusrdquo

--AnnaPavlova

If youwatch television long enough or read the dayrsquos news orwatch thefrenzied pace in the corporate world itrsquos hard not to believe that lifersquospenultimate goals are productivity and efficiency The worldrsquos marketingengines drill the message home every day -- if you buy this new softwarepackage thisnewcuttingappliance thisnew31drillkit thenyoursquollnotonlysavetimebutyoursquollbemoreproductiveThemessagegetsstuckinourpsycheandafterhearingthemessageforsay thezillionth timeweactuallybegin tobelieveit

ldquoSuccessfulpeoplearenotgiftedtheyjustworkhardthensucceedonpurposerdquo

--GKNielson

TurntheTideTaketheLongCut

WespendexorbitantamountsoftimepursuingshortcutstomanageourtasksFightbackFacedwithachoicetrythelongcut--whenyoursquoreslicingonionstry using the knife in place of the electric slicer However appealing yourshortcutsmaybeafewmillisecondshereandtherewonrsquotearnyoumuchThetruthisshortcutsareoneoflifersquosmostvisibleillusions

For years I dreamed of having a beautiful garden where flowers bloomedeach month as the seasons passed I chose the shortcut -- I bought a fewperennialsinstalledanundergroundwateringsystemandwaitedfortheflowerstoappearSillymethinkingthatagardenwouldgrowbyitselfNoweachdaythatIworkinthegardenIrecallthesesimplewords

Ifyouwanttohaveagardenyouhavetohaveagardener

Inotherwords ifyouwant tocreateproductsofsubstanceyouhave todotheworkNoshortcutsnoend-aroundsnomagic

AttentionAllMountainClimbers

When it comes to working hard I often recall a phrase composed by ourdaughterNataliesomeyearsagoShewroteldquoYouhavetoclimbthemountains

beforeyoucanwalktheplainsrdquoSostraponyourbootsandremember

diams When you and your spouse are clashing over money work hard tounderstandyourspousersquospointofview

diamsWhen you and your child are struggling over homework and curfewsworkhardtounderstandhowtheyfeelandwhytheystruggle

ldquoIfthepowertodohardworkisnotaskillitrsquosthebestpossiblesubstituteforitrdquo

--JamesAGarfield

diamsWhenyoursquorepreparingapresentationorcleaningoutmemorabiliathathas been sealed for years work hard to overcome the mental hurdlesRemindyourselfthattheharderyouworkthemoreyouwillgrow

diamsWhenyourbossisbeingunreasonablethebasementneedsanewpaintjobthenewbusinessisnrsquottakingoffthewaythatyouhadhopedorthethecarbreaksdownagain

WorkHard

DonrsquotshyawaydonrsquotwithdrawdonrsquotwithholdyourbestforfearoffailingSimplyworkhardandknowthattheskillyoursquoreimprovingisoneoflifersquosmostprecioustreasures

Rule 3 brings tomind a classic line delivered by TomCruise in the 1983movieRisky Business Commenting on his awe-inspiring vehicle Cruise saidldquoPorschetherersquosnosubstituterdquo

SoitiswithhardworkThereisnosubstitute

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

Theauthoraskedhisfriends

Howimportantisitinlifetoworkhard

ldquoThisisoneofmyall-timefavoritequestionsIbetthatourlifehereonearthwillbeultimatelyjudgednotbyhowsuccessfulwewerecomparedtoothersbuthowwellweusedthetools(talentsandabilities)Godgaveus

ldquoEveryoneisdifferentandthatrsquoswhatmakestheworldaninterestingplaceJuststandonabusystreetcornersitinachairatthemalleatamealinacrowdedcafeteriasitinthestandsataprofessionalorhighschoolsportingeventormyfavoriteplacetowatchpeoplewasdownontheinfieldofahorseracingtrackinNewYorkOrbetteryetwatchpeopleatthebeach

ldquoIimaginethesecondquestionwhenweapproachthepearlygateswillbelsquoHowwelldidwesharethetalents and giftswe hadwith others less fortunatersquoDidwe show genuine concern for othersAnotherquestionwouldbelsquoHowwelldidwetrain(mentor)youngergenerationswithregardstousingtheirtalentsandbeingconcernedforothersrsquo rdquo--DaveR

ldquoMypersonal learnedexperience is that tobegin togetgoodatanything inmy lifehas requiredhardwork and dedication Itrsquos truewhether vocational avocational spiritual relationship-based or just aboutanythingelseIcanthinkof

ldquoAsanadditionalobservationthosewhoadmiretheachievementsofothersfrequentlyoverestimatethevalueofsomeoneelsersquoslsquonaturalabilityrsquoandunderestimatetheworktheyputintoexcelrdquo--BruceJ

ldquoIthinkthatitrsquosterriblyimportanttolsquoworkhardrsquoandIthinkthatmanyofthefeelingsthatpeoplehaveoftheirlifebeinglsquosuccessfulrsquocomefromthesenseofaccomplishmentthatresultsofhardwork

ldquoFormemyfeelingsaboutwhoIamasapersonarestronglytiedupwithlsquowhatIhaveaccomplishedrsquoandwhatIhaveaccomplishedisusuallydirectlytiedupwiththeworkIputintoprojects

ldquoIthinkthatanimportantquestionrelatedtothisishowtobalancelsquohardworkrsquoagainsttherestofwhatlifehastooffersothattheworkdoesnotbecomeanoverridingconsumingpassionrdquo--IleneF

ldquoInmyexperienceitiscriticaltoworkhardinlifeOnlythenwhenwehaveinvestedourselvesdowecelebrateoursuccessThings thatcomeeasilyarenotcelebratedin thesamewayweoftenwonderwhythey even happened I guess itrsquos the old external vs internal locus of controlDid I dowell on the testbecauseIstudiedorbecauseIluckedoutanditwaseasy

ldquoWetakeprideinwhatweworkhardatWereflectasweareworkingandprobablyreviserechargeand forge aheadWe all need a payoff for hard work when we get it (tangible or intangible) we feelsuccessful

ldquoI associate the phrase with all aspects of life -- not just lsquoworkrsquo in the classic sense Naturally weassociatelsquoworkinghardrsquowithlsquoworkrsquothatisourdaytimeactivitiesButcertainlywelsquoworkrsquoallthetime--totakecareofourfriendsandourfamilytomeetobligationsthatcomewithbeingaresponsiblememberofthehumanraceThusmyinterestinthetermlsquoworkinghardrsquohasasmuchtodowithwhatwedoatnightandontheweekendsasduringthedayrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoOneway tomeasurework is ergonomically (An erg is a unit ofwork done by one dyne through adistanceofonecentimeterAdyneistheamountofforcethatcausesamassofonegramtoaccelerateattherateofonecentimeterpersecondpersecond)Noneofthatisrelevantexcepttosaywecanmeasurework

ldquoIf you accept that premise perhaps youwill accept thatwork is akin to effortAnd there aremanyreasonstoexpendeffortItmaybeforremunerationorforrecreationThereasonweexpendeffortmaybetopleaseothersortopleaseourselvesOritmaybeforsomeunseenbutanticipatedfuturerewardAtanyrateIthinkthereisarewardintheresomeplaceElsewhyexpendtheeffort

ldquoHowimportantisittoworkhardItdependsononersquospointofviewItmayhavealottodowiththelens throughwhich one views theworldOr itmay have to dowith onersquosmood at themoment ThereweretimesinmylifewhenitalsohadtodowithhowmuchskillIhad

ldquoIsuspectthatlsquoworkingatsomethingrsquohastodowithrewardWewillobviouslyworkatthingsthatwillhavedirectimpactForexamplethesailoronasinkingboatwillworkhardatbailing

ldquoButforotherthingsI thinkonersquoswillingnesstoworkhardisrelatedtotheirabilitytoeithermakeaconnection to self (lsquoItrsquos important to mersquo) or to make a connection to someone or something that isimportant(lsquoItrsquosimportantto___thatImaketheeffortrsquo)Thereissomesortofpayoff

ldquoIdo think thereare thosewho lsquoworkhardrsquo seemingly forothersThere isnodirectpayoff for themTheyappear tobedoing things forothersMy theoryabovebegins todissolvehereand Idonrsquothaveanexplanation

ldquoWellIhaveprogressedfromPhysicstoPhilosophyallinabout350wordsItrsquostimephormetoendthisphoolishnessandgetsomeworkdoneBecauseitispersonallysatisfying AndIwanttogetpaidrdquo--NatE

ldquoItisparamountIamsurroundedbysuccessfulpeoplewhohavesoldtheircompaniesorretiredTheycrave work The desire to apply oneself in a productive endeavor seems to have a biological driver Itappearstobemorethanameredesiretobeneededrdquo--CarlE

ldquoYouhavehitonanerve(atleastinmycase)GrowingupasIdidinatruelsquobluecollarrsquohomeweweretaught(whatseemsinrecollection)fromthecribthatlsquoworkinghardwillgetyoueverythingyouwantinlifersquoorlsquoworkinghardistheonlywaytosucceedrsquoAndohsomanyotheridioms

ldquoFunny how the word lsquoabilityrsquo was seldom if ever used (at least in our household) in relation todiscussionaboutlsquoworkrsquoorlsquoworkinghardrsquoYetinlookingbackworkinghardwashelpfulinmanymanyinstanceswherewewereluckyenoughtosucceedinschoolourjobsourrelationshipsandinevenlifeingeneral

ldquoBut is it just as critical to have been blessedwith the lsquoabilityrsquo to (a)make correct decisions (b) torationalizeanddecipherinformation(c)tolearnorgrowfromoureducationampevenourlifersquosexperiences(d)toretainandrememberinformation(e)tobeabletocommunicatewellandatthesametimeperhapsevenmoreciriticallylsquolistenwellrsquo(f)tohavefun(yesIbelievesomearemoreblessedlsquowiththeabilitytodojustthat--lsquohavefunrsquowhereassomeofusjustseemtolosethislsquoabilityrsquosomewhereontheroadtolife)

ldquoSee I told you it hit a hot spotMay I go on Is it lsquofatersquo or lsquokarmarsquo or just plain lsquoluckrsquowhen onebecomessuccessfulorwasitaproductoflsquohardworkrsquoOrwasitasItendtobelieveararecombinationofbothonersquosfatecombinedwiththeirlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquothatdeliveredsuchsuccessArewenotalltoagreatdegreea lsquoproductofourenvironmentandeducationalprocessrsquoAnd Imean lsquoenvironmentrsquomorefromthe[perspective]oflsquofamilyrsquofirstandthentolsquopeersandschoolingrsquo

ldquoWhyisitthatmoreoftenthannotafamilywillhaveeitherparent(orparents)beingdoctorsandthentheir subsequent children and childrenrsquos children becomedoctors down the line It has tobemore thanlsquoabilityrsquoandlsquohardworkrsquoNo

ldquoI once read an article about a couple [who] adopted two infants from a inner citymother ThiscouplewasabletomovetoaremoteareaoutwestandasIrecallraisetheirtwoinfantsonsinanareawheretheyliterallyhadtolsquohomeschoolrsquothemuntilitwastimeforUniversity[Thekidstook]theirSATsscoredextremelyhighandwereacceptedtoYaleampPrinceton

ldquoGuesswhathappenedBothboyswhiledoingextremelywellinitiallyincollegeeventuallydevelopedproblems with their social skills [and] had difficulty later in their University years Eventually theygraduated andwent on in life but not without a tremendous amount of lsquohardworkrsquo at learning certainlsquoskillsrsquoweoftentakeforgrantedgrowingup

ldquoWere these two brilliant minds No doubt However their lsquoabilityrsquo to communicate was foundlackingTheybothhadtolsquoworkhardrsquotolearnthislsquoabilityrsquoBothasIrecallwentontobecomewelladjustedand[achievedsomemeasure]ofsuccessHowevermypointhereisthatlsquoabilityrsquoisnotalwaysasubstitueforlsquohardworkrsquoorlsquolifeingeneralrsquobutis[acriticalfactor]ingainingsuccessinourendeavorsrdquo-MickeyF

RulesforLivingWithYourself

Rule4

LiveinthePresent

ldquoLearnfromthepastsetvividdetailedgoalsforthefutureandliveintheonlymomentoftimeoverwhich

youhaveanycontrolnowrdquo--DenisWaitley

Daytodaywheredoyouspendmostofyourtime

InthepastThepresentOrthefuture

On any given day in any givenmoment our private thoughts flow swiftlyfromthepasttothepresenttothefuture--aharshwordfromyesterday(past)ismentallybrushedasideaswelistentoacolleague(present)thenwonderaboutwhetheritmightrainatthepicniconSunday(future)

ldquoYoumustliveinthepresentlaunchyourselfoneverywavefindyoureternityineachmomentrdquo

--HenryDavidThoreau

Mentalfitnessexpertslaudtheldquopresentrdquoandurgeustofocusourenergiesonthemoment -- on the personwithwhomwersquore conversing on the taskwersquorestrivingtoaccomplishontheskillwersquoreattemptingtoimproveonthedecisionthatwersquoreabouttomake

Themessage is simple themore focusedwe are on the present themorefulfilling life will be Instinctively we know that this is true because of howgooditfeelstobefullyengagedinthemoment--notbroodingaboutyesterdayorworryingabouttomorrow

WhatExactlyIsThePresent

StayinginthepresentmindyouisnrsquottobeconfusedwithtalkingaboutthepresentImaginewhatadauntingtaskthatwouldbeLetrsquosbehonestahealthychunk of human conversation involves sharing information about the past(ldquoWhat have you been up tordquo ldquoHow was your vacationrdquo) or the future(ldquoWersquoregoingtoaconcertnextweekrdquoorldquoTomorrowIplantostartlookingforanewjobrdquo)

Bycontraststayinginthepresent

means focusing onersquos private thoughts on the moment on the person oractivityinfrontofyou

ldquoYesterdayisacanceledchecktomorrowisapromissorynotetodayistheonlycashyouhavesospenditwiselyrdquo

--KayLyons

means listening to your friend share their daily struggles or your spouseshareherworriesaboutthefuture

means concentrating your energy on preparing the report fixing dinnerlisteningtoyourclient

Our ability to stay in the present of course is perpetually at riskAnd themostchallengingmomentsarethosewhenwersquorealoneWhenourthoughtsstartto drift we risk missing the spendlor of the fruit on aisle 3 the shape of aclipped branch the beautifully turned phrase the magnificent contour of thegreenonthe17thhole

Oftenwhen Irsquom driving I glance at the highest branch on a tree andmydaughterMelyssa says she toohasadopted thehabitThe idea suggested inapassageIreadsometimeago(Icanrsquotrecalltheauthor)forcesustolookoutsideofourdailyframetoseeanewwhatthismomentholds

Melyssa and I often wonder how such a simple change can have such adramaticeffectTheskywardgazealwaysremindsmeofapropheticmomentinthe ldquoDead Poets Societyrdquo when Robin Williams encourages his students tostandontheirdeskstoaltertheirstaticviewoftheworld

MinimizingThoughtDrift

Living in the presentmeans attending to the task at hand to the person oractivity before you It means minimizing thought drift in order to take fullpleasureinallthatliesbeforeyouLetrsquosbehonestwhenyourminddriftstothatawkward social encounter donrsquot you lose your ability to enjoy this currentmoment

We are thoughtful creatures alternatively worrying judging imaginingjustifying evaluating planning fantasizing problem-solving lamentingcreatingandscrutinizingInthemixingbowlofthoughtsitrsquosawonderthatwecankeepourattentionfocusedonanysingletaskforanymeaningfullengthoftimeYetattentioniskeyinourquestforfulfillmentandlifesatisfaction

ldquoFinisheachdaybeforeyoubeginthenextandinterposeasolidwallofsleepbetweenthetwoThisyoucannotdowithouttemperancerdquo

--RalphWaldoEmerson

Eachofuslearnsatourownpacethatthemoretimeweinvestinthepresent-- themore timewespend lookingat facesand flowers -- the richerour livesbecome

ItseemstritetosaybutwelivelifeinthepresentCertainlywelearnfromthepastandyesitseemsprudenttoplanforthefutureButinthefinalanalysisourlifejourneyiscomposedofacontinuousstringofldquopresentsrdquoandwhenourthoughtsdriftaheadorbackweloseapreciouspiece(orpeace)oflifersquospuzzle

Itrsquosbeensaidthatonein10000canconsistentlystayinthepresent

Mayyoubetheone

Challenge4AUseESPtotakeyoubacktothepresent

Whenyourthoughtsbegintodriftinwaysthatyoudefineasunhealthytrythesethreesimplesteps

Step1ExaminetheThought(E)AskyourselfamIdriftingtothepastorthefuture

Step2StoptheThought(S)Makeaconsciousdecisiontostopthethoughtsequence

Step3ReturntothePersonorTask(P)Makeaconsciousdecisiontorefocusyourthoughtsonthepersonwith

whomyoursquoretalkingontheactivityinwhichyouarecurrentlyengaged

Caution When employing E-S-P please donrsquot expect quick resultsChances are that the thought sequence you momentarily dismissed willsoon reappear cycling back into your conscious thought pattern DonrsquotdespairSimplyobservehowoftenandwithwhatintensityitreturns(itrsquosreasonable to imagine that our thoughts have a half-life -- much likenaturersquoschemicalcompounds--andthattheirpersistenceislinkedtotheiremotionalchargethusastimegoesonthechargelessensandthethoughtsequenceonceomnipotentbeginstoweaken)

The key to E-S-P Awareness and desire -- that is becoming moreawareofyourthoughtpatternsandexhibitingadesiretoalterthem

PlaguedbythoughtdriftTryE-S-PAlternativelytakemeaningfromthisbrilliantquoteonehousedonmyfriendrsquosansweringmachine(thanksJerry)

ldquoThePastisHistoryTheFutureisaMysteryThisMomentisaGiftThatiswhywecallitthePresentrdquo

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowmuchtimedoyouspendinthepresentvsthepast

vsthefuture

ldquo85presentwithlotsofpastandfastforwardingandthelsquopresentrsquoasthepausebuttoninbetweenrdquo--JoelR

ldquo45 Present 10 Past 45 Future Tome tomorrow is really the present itrsquos what I am alwayspreparing forSomypresent is reallymy future tooAs soon asyou are awareof thepresent itrsquos nolongerthepresentitrsquosthepastandyouareinthefuturerelativetoitrdquo--GailC

ldquoPast10(notworthmuchthoughtmoveonexperiencemore)Present50(canbegreatgoodneutral and terrible either way you are stuck with it) Present is what one has at hand that cannot bechangedreadilyiethejobyouhavethesignificantotherthehousethatneedspaintingallthosethingsoneplannedfor(ordidnrsquot)whenitldquowasrdquothefutureFuture40(thinkingofthefutureishowIkeepmysanityThefutureishowIdreamitupthewayIwantittobe)rdquo--VickiH

ldquoPresent30Past20Future50ThepresentiswhatyouareexperiencingatthatmomentYoursurroundingswhoyoursquorewithandwhatyoursquorethinkingrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoPresent50Past35Future15CanrsquotdefinethepresentinPTTbecauseyourPTscansometimesbesooverwhelmingthatyouthinkyouhavebeenthinkingforhoursanditrsquosjustbeenminutesandyoursquovetraveledallovertheplaceinyourmindYoursquovebeeninthepastpresentandfutureofyourmindinthattimeperiodrdquo--CaroleE

ldquo20Past40Present40Future(doesthismeanIamanoptimist)Whatoneisthinkingaboutinthepastisimportant--isitpleasantlyrelivingthepastorruminatingaboutmistakesorunpleasanteventsItendtoconnectthepresenttowhatmightbeaheadrdquo--MarleyC

HowoftendoyousayldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

ldquoAlwaysSometimestheanticipationisgreaterthantherealizationofsomethinganddoingthelsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquoaidsinimaginingwhatthatsomethingmightlooklikehowitwillgowhattheendresultmightbeItalsogivesmeagreatlifttoanordinarymundanelsquoconsistentrsquodayrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoNotoftenlsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquosuggeststhatallenjoymentsuccessfulfillmentetcloomssomewhereoverthehorizonIlikeNOW

ldquoThewholeconceptof lsquoIcanrsquotwaitrsquo tomesuggests lsquotime freezersquo Ifwe livecontinually ina stateofanticipationwe fail tonotice theeventsof themomentSince there isneveraguaranteeofhappinessorsuccess or fun or anything else in the future (life is too serendipitous for that) then living in a state ofperpetual anticipation precludes having the opportunity to enjoy the present Looking backwards todeterminewhetherornotyouhavehadfunmayofferaclearviewoftheeventbuttheinternalenjoymentofthemomentisovershadowedbylsquothingsyettocomersquotheanticipationoflsquohavingfunrsquocannotcomparetheactualityofitrdquo--KathyD

ldquoWheneverIhaveanlsquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrsquomomentIimmediatelyruinitwiththenegativesthattagalong Icanrsquotwait togo toSanDiegofor8daysWill thedogbeOKin thecareof thekidsWill Ibestressedfromrelaxingetcrdquo--GailC

Wheredoyouspendyourmentaltime

ldquoHumanmomentsIspendabout10ofmytimemusing20thinking20conversing(moreduringtheschoolyear)20listening(40interactingwhichisacombinationofconversingandlistening)and30sleepingorbeingmindlessDreamsoverlapwiththeothercategories

ldquoIhadadebatewithastudentlastweekaboutwhetherornotthebraincandomorethanonethingatatimeWeagreed that thebrain can stimulatemore thanone activity at a time -- seeinghearing tastingtalkingetcallatonetime--butthebraincanonlybeawareofoneatatimerdquo--GailC

ldquoHumanMoments (not like a seniormoment right)Musing 5 conversing 40 thinking 30listening30interacting40acting(asindrama)25ofthe40conversingandthe40interactingAtleastthatmuchofthattimeisactingwhenIambitingmytonguenottotellsomeone(usuallyaclient)exactlywhatIthinkofwhattheyjustsaiddidorwhatIthinkoftheirlevelofintelligenceTherestofthetimeistherealme

ldquoI definitely prefer listening thinking observing over interactingwithmost people acting as inphysicallydoingsomething50to60 ThisanswercouldgoonforeverthemoreIthinkaboutit--soIwillspareyourdquo--VickiH

ldquoHardtoputnumberstoyourcategorieswithoutlotsofthoughtbutIrsquollgiveafirstguesstimatemusing4conversing12thinking20listening16interacting20sleeping28rdquo--AllanH

Rule5

FocusontheProcessNottheproduct

ldquoTakecareofyourminutesandthehourswilltakecareofthemselvesrdquo

--LordChesterfield

It may seem hard to believe but every moment of our lives -- yes everymoment -- is a confrontation between product and process Whether yoursquorepreparingdinnerorabusinessplanplanningaweddingoracorporatetakeoverleadinganeighborhoodfooddriveoracampaignagainst teenagedrinking itrsquosallaboutproductvsprocess

TheproductistheendthefinalstepTheprocessisthemeanstheroadthatleadsushome

TakefoodshoppingTheproductisthatgloriousmomentwhenthebagsareunpackedandthegroceriesareneatly tuckedawayBycontrast theprocess isongoing and entails creating the shopping list grabbing the reusable bagsdrivingtothesupermarketweighingthefruitcomparingcerealpriceschattingon the checkout line leafing through magazines paying the bill carting thegroceriesOKyougetthepicture

ldquoThegoodlifeisaprocessnotastateofbeingItisadirectionnotadestinationrdquo

--CarlRogers

Thepointiswhilewenaturallystrivetoachievetheproduct(bagsunpackedgoodsneatlystoredaway)wesometimesbecomesofixatedonreachingitthat

we fail to enjoy the process In so doing wemiss countless opportunities toenjoyeachstepofthejourney

ButwehaveachoiceThoughitmaynotbereadilyapparentwecanchoosetofocusontheprocesstoenjoyeachmomentnotjusttheendresultWhetherwersquore driving home a business deal or driving homeour daughter fromdanceclasswersquorefreetochoosewheretofocusourmind

WhereDoYouPlaceYourThoughts

Scenario1DinnerTimeItrsquosdinnertimeandtheproduct isthatlusciousmomentwhenyousitdown

with friends and family for a quiet relaxingdinner ready to enjoygood foodandconversationTheprocessofcoursebeganhoursearlierwhenyouchosethe menu bought the vegetables marinated the chicken boiled the watercookedtheangelhairpastapreparedthesauceseasonedthesalad

ldquoIfyoufocusonresultsyouwillneverchangeIfyoufocusonchangeyouwillgetresultsrdquo

--JackDixon

Scenario2HangingaBedroomShelfItrsquosSaturdayafternoonandyourdaughterbidsanhourofyourtimetohanga

bedroomshelf tohousetrinketsandsuchTheproduct is thatrarifiedmomentwhentheshelfisupperfectlylevelandfittostorethenick-nacksTheprocessthoughasimpleonehousesnumeroussteps--findingthetools(formeneveran easy task) measuring drilling inserting (the toggle bolts) leveling andadjusting(IknowIskippedafewstepsButheythisisnotmyforte)

Scenario3PlantingTulipsItrsquoslateOctober--primetimeforplantingtulipsintheyardTheproductis

crystallinetulipsnestledinthegroundwithalightdustingofmulchtoprotectthemoverthewinterTheprocessofcourseismulti-layered--choosingwhichbulbstoplantdeterminingthesizeofthearealayingouttheshapeofthebeddiggingitimprovingthesoilplantingthebulbsandcoveringthem

Attimeslikethese--preparingdinnerhangingashelfandplantingtulips--ourmind tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinkingabout theproduct that isabout finishingThenotion is that ifwemoveswiftly throughthesechoreswecanmoveontomoreenjoyabletasks

Rule 5 encourages us to enjoy seasoning the salad asmuch as eating it toenjoylevelingtheshelvesasmuchashangingthemtoenjoyselectingthebulbsasmuchasplantingthem

ldquoIfyousurrendercompletelytothemomentsastheypassyoulivemorerichlythosemomentsrdquo

--AnneMLindbergh

InshortRule5urgesustoslowdownandenjoythatwhichstandsbeforeusThink about it how many moments of your thought life have you beenpreoccupied with the outcome To fairly answer that question try askingyourselfthisone

ldquoWhen Irsquom engaged in an activity how much of the time am Ithinkingabout theproduct(ie finishingthe task)andhowmuchofthetimeamIsimplyenjoyingtheprocessrdquo

ldquoEnjoythejourneyenjoyeverymomentandquitworryingaboutwinningandlosingrdquo

--MattBiondi

ICanrsquotWait

Letrsquos face it we spend a fair piece of time doing things that we donrsquotaltogether enjoy Wersquore forever telling ourselves ldquoI canrsquot wait until itrsquosFriday itrsquos vacation time thepresentation is finished thebills arepaidthelaundryisfoldedthehouseiscleantheclassisoverthebedsaremadetheweedsaregonerdquoButthemoreobsessedwebecomewiththeproductthelesschancewehavetoenjoytheprocess

ThatrsquosnottosayweshouldforsakepursuingproductsIrsquomstronglyinfavorof settinggoals (seeRules18-20) andworkinghard to achieve them I love awell-craftedplantoscalemountainsLetrsquosfaceititfeelsgoodtocleanoffyourdesktoorganizethekitchentosendofftheproposal toarriveatthehotel toputdinneronthetable tomail inyour taxes to(finally)placethepictures inthephotoalbum

Challenge5A

InSearchoftheHappyMoment

ThinkbacktoyourlasttriphomefromtheofficeWhatwereyouthinkingabout

ChancesarethatyouspentaportionofyourtimethinkingabouttheproductthatisaboutthatldquoHappyMomentrdquo--themomentyouwalkthroughthedoorhangupyourcoatandopenthefridgeforaglassoficetea(orperhapssomethingstronger)AhhhhhhatlonglasttheldquoHappyMomentrdquohadarrived

DonrsquotbefooledldquoHappyMomentsrdquoareillusorybecausemoreoftenthannottheyturnouttobejust that--briefmoments in timethat tooquicklyareoverwhelmedbyaswirloffreshdemandsOnce in thekitchena stackofmail remindsyou that thebillsareoverdueanemptymilkcartonsignalsthattheshelvesarebareandsuddenlytheldquoHappyMomentrdquodissolvesintoaseriesofnewdemandsintoaseriesofnewproductsandprocesses

HerethenisthedilemmabywaitingfortheldquoHappyMomentrdquowewindupwaitingtobehappywe end up telling ourselveswhen that moment arrives THEN Irsquoll be happy and not a momentsooner

SopleasedonrsquotwaittobehappyBehappynowandknowthathappinesssurroundsus ifonlyweopenoureyes

But therersquosahugedifferencebetweenpursuingaproduct and focusingourmindrsquosthoughtsonthatproduct

ldquoOftenthesearchprovesmoreprofitablethanthegoalrdquo

--ELKonigsburg

Dailywearelulledintobelievingthat

Products=Happinessandthat

Process=Drudgery

Nonsense

DoyouknowanyonewhoenjoyscookingIlovetowatchbothmysister-in-law Carole and my brother-in-law Bruce take equal pleasure in the product(bringingdinner to the table)and theprocess -- selecting the recipegatheringthe ingredientscreating thesauce seasoning thepastaand themeatsand the

vegetablesLikemany talented chefsCarole andBrucehave learned to enjoytheprocessasmuchas(ifnotmorethan)theproduct

Thisthenisourchallenge--toenjoythemeansasmuchastheendtoacceptthenotionthattheprocessisnotjustaroadsignitrsquostheroad

WeallknowthatproductsbringuspleasureandrewardusininfinitewaysbutbecauseourthoughtsdeterminewhatkindoflifeweleadwemustfindwaystomorethoroughlyenjoytheprocessImagineifarunnerexperiencedthesamejoyintakingastrideasincrossingthefinishline

ldquoPassiondoesnrsquotlookbeyondthemomentofitsexistencerdquo

--ChristianNBovee

Doesthissoundimpossible

My daughter Melyssa would say no arguing that despite a societalpreoccupation with ldquoproductsrdquo (of both kinds) itrsquos theoretically possible toenjoy every processOf course striving to achieve ldquoproductsrdquo isnrsquot inherentlyevilitrsquosonlyaproblemwhenitblindsustotheprocesswhenitleadsustopicktherosesfromthegardenwithoutevensmellingthem

EnjoytheRide

Religiousmaximsremindus that life itself isaprocess--ldquolife isa journeynotadestinationrdquoAnddailywersquoreremindedtoldquoenjoytheriderdquoNonethelessweoftenforgetthatthebusridetotheamusementpark(process)canbejustasenjoyableastheamusementparkitself(product)ifonlyweletit(childrenonafieldtriparequicktopointoutthatthebusrideisoftenthemostenjoyablepart)

One of my lightbulb moments occurred some years ago on my way toBaltimoretowatchtheOriolesplaybaseballIwastravelingwiththreeofmyfriends when the conversation turned to traffic That particular day it wasbumper-to-bumperandourcollectivefrustrationwasapparent(ldquo weshouldhaveleftearlierrdquoandldquolookatthatidiotcrossinglanesrdquo)MentallyIstartedtorecord the conversation and realized thatmore than 30of itwas devoted totrafficOuch

ldquoLordhowthedaypassesItislikealifesoquicklywhenwedonrsquotwatchitandsoslowlyifwedordquo

--JohnSteinbeck

So I tried a little thought experiment and placed the four of us at a cornerboothatthelocalrestaurantIimaginedwewerenoshingonchipsandsippingmargheritaslaughingandtellingjokessimplyenjoyingoneanotherrsquoscompanyChances are slim as we sat there eating potato skins that the conversationwould turn to traffic (after all we were sitting in a restaurant) Yet here wewere four friends togetheron theway toaballgameconsumedby talkaboutlanechangesandarrogantdrivers

Theproblemofcoursewasnrsquot thetrafficatall-- theproblemwashowwethoughtaboutitNowIrsquollbethefirsttoadmitthatahighwayrsquosvisualcuesarecompellingthatitrsquoshardnottogetriledupwhenyouseemanicdriverstryingtomake their way where no car should ever go but these visual cues need notdestroytheprocess(enjoyingtimewithgoodfriends)evenaswestrivetoreachtheproduct(arrivingattheballpark)

FindingPleasureinEverythingYouDo

Sothenexttimeyoursquoreonalatenightruntothesupermarkettrynottobesointentonreturninghome(product)thatyoufailtoenjoytheprocess--listeningtothecarradiosharingastorywith thecheckoutattendantpassingafriendlywordtoaneighbor

Challenge5BTheCycleNeverEnds

The remarkable part of the Product-Process Connundrum is that the cycle never ends that iseveryproducthasaprocessandinturneveryprocesscanbesubdividedintoanendlessstringofmini-products and processes For example once we decide to marinate the chicken (our latestproduct) an entirely new process magically unfolds selecting the marinade deciding whatingredientstoaddfindingthebrushtospreaditturningthechickenovercheckingbackinanhourortwotoreapplyandsoonandsoforth

Thepointisthecycleneverends--wesetoursightsonaproductandaprocessunfoldsAndonce engaged in the process a new product appears The cycle continues until fatigued fromthoughtwedecidetostopthinkingaboutthem

Andthenexttimethatyoursquoreheadinghomefromworktrynottobesointentonpullingintothedriveway(product) thatyouneglect toenjoythetriphomeImagine the walk to your car as part of your exercise program think of afriendly word to the parking attendant as a bid to connect consider that anendlesstrafficjamoffersmoretimetoenjoyaradiosegmentthatyouotherwisemighthavemissed

ldquoDonotthinkthatwhatyourthoughtsdwelluponisofnomatterYourthoughtsaremakingyourdquo

--BishopSteere

Andthenexttimethatyoumoveintoanewhometrynottobesofocusedonputtingeverythingaway(product)thatyoumissachancetoembracetheprocess-- the memories that flow from unpacking sentimental treasures that warmfeelingfromwatchingfamilymembersworktogetherthedreamsthatflowfromimaginingwhatanewhomewilllooklikewillbecome

GrantYourselfPermission

Believeitornotyoursquoreactuallyallowed--yesyoursquoreactuallypermitted--toenjoyyournewhomefromthemomentthatyoumoveinYoudonrsquothavetowait until the carpets are cleaned or the woodshop is ready or the bags areunpacked The fact is therersquos no required waiting period for pleasure tobegin

Sodonrsquotwait tobehappyDonrsquotwait untiltheproductisachievedFeelgoodrightnowRealizethatassoonastheprocessbeginsyoursquorefree--trulyfreetoenjoyeverypartoftheexperience

ldquoThecontinuousinventionofnewwaysofobservingismanrsquosspecialsecretoflivingrdquo

--JZYoung

Enjoytheprocess

Challenge5CCreatingaTrigger

Ifyouwish to spendmore timeenjoying theprocess try theldquotriggerrdquochallenge Itrsquosnothingdramatic -- it simplyencouragesus tocreatesomeformofvisualauditoryorkinestheticldquotriggerrdquotohelpshiftourthoughtstotheprocess

Creatinga triggerof coursewonrsquotmagically transformyour thoughtsor behavior And no trigger can quickly induce human change -- onlyawarenesscandothatButatriggernonethelesscanhelpusspeedalongtheprocess

A personal trigger might be nothing more than a word (spokeninternally)amovementorasoundAtriggerneedonlyremindustostopfixatingontheproductandbeginenjoyingtheprocessThebesttriggersofcoursearetheonesthatwecreateandthemoreactivethebetterIsupposethat the ideal triggerwould activate all of our sensesBut IrsquomproposingsomethingmoremodestIrsquomproposingatriggerthatisequalpartssimpleandswift

Herersquoswhat I dowhen I findmy thoughts locked on the product Iclenchmyhandintoafist(product)andslowlyopenitup(process)Thehand flexwhich takes all of five seconds remindsme to shiftmy focusfrom theproduct (my fist) to theprocess (my fingers) If I have an extramomentItrytorollmyfingersoutslowlyasifeachonerepresentsapartoftheprocessI imaginetakingpleasureineverystepAndifIrsquomluckymythoughtsbegintoshiftawayfromtheproductifonlyforawhile

If yoursquore thinking about creating your own personal trigger Irsquodrecommend that you 1 keep it simple 2 engage your senses and 3recognize that you may have to change it at some point to avoidembarrassingmoments(clenchingyourfistatthenextboardmeetingmightbeatouchuncomfortable)

Challenge5DldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilrdquo

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself

ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthisreportisfinishedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntiltheboxesareunpackedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthekitcheniscleaneduprdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilschoolisoutrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepresentationiscompletedrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilIrsquovefinishedpaintingthebasementrdquoldquoIcanrsquotwaituntilthepartyisoverrdquo

Therearetimeswhenwesaythesewordswithenthusiasm(ldquoIcanrsquotwaituntil the show tomorrownightrdquo)whenour excitement about theproduct(watching the show) actually enhances our enjoyment of the process(lookingforwardtoit)

ButmoreoftenthannotthephraseldquoIcanrsquotwaitrdquosignalssorrownot joy The phrase typically flows from frustration from a desire tocomplete the dreaded task so that other pursuits can be enjoyed -- egmusic television eating socializing reading going to the theater orattendingasportingevent

WishingThemAway

Sadly a remarkable amount of our mental life is spent hoping theunpleasanttasksbeforeus(moreaccuratelythosetaskswersquovedecidedareunpleasant)willbedonePrivatelywethinkabouthowgooditwillfeeltobefinishedhowpleasedwewillbewhenthefilingisdonethemailissortedtheproposaliscomplete

Howthendowelearntoenjoythefilingtotakepleasureinsortingthemailtoenjoypreparingtheproposalnotsimplycompletingit

Todoso tomore thoroughlyenjoy theprocesswemust firstbecomeaware of our thoughts and the degree towhichwe equate productswithhappinessandprocesswithdrudgery

Herethenisourthree-partchallenge

Part1Selectone (yes justone)unpleasant task that isa taskyoudonrsquotparticularlyenjoydoing thekindthatquicklystirsupnegative

thoughtsinsideofyou

Part 2 The next time you begin this task consciously decide toldquowatchyourthoughtsrdquothatistolistentoyourprivatethoughtsasyoubegintheactivitythenstartdoingtheactivity

Step3Asyoursquoreldquothoughtwatching1rdquoaskyourselfthreequestionstorevealyourproduct-processorientation

Q1HowoftendoIthinkaboutfinishing(frequency)Q2Howstrongarethesefeelings(emotion)Q3Howlongdothesethoughtslast(persistence)

The good news is yoursquoll have plenty of chances to run theseldquothoughtexperimentsrdquoOrmaybethatrsquosthebadnews

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearhere

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsWhattasksarehardforyoutoenjoy

ldquoIfinditextremelydifficulttoenjoycookinglsquoontherunrsquothatisrunninginafterworkandrunningtochangeandgetdinnercookingItisunpleasantbecauseIreallylovetocookbutdonrsquotwanttofeelrushedandunabletobelsquocreativersquoaboutcooking

ldquoAlsoIcannotenjoysomeofthedailytasksthatIhavetodowithmyMother(iegettingherreadyforbed)This hangs overmy head until she is upstairs and in her bed I canrsquot relax and enjoymy eveningbecauseIknowthatthischoreiscomingupCanrsquotexplainitrdquo--CaroleE

ldquoIhatecleaninghouseOhIlikeaneathouseAndIrsquomembarrassedifanyonecomestomydoorwhenIrsquomnotexpectingthemMytoleranceforclutterishigherthanmostmalesSoIallowmyselftoavoidthe

unpleasanttaskofcleaninghouseThereisNOenjoymentinitformeduringtheprocessandlittleafteritrsquosdonerdquo--NatE

ldquoLightlyunpleasantpayingbills (thebestpart iswhen itrsquosover -- itrsquosnot really themoneyspendingaspect itrsquos the choregotta do drudgery aspect) supremely unpleasant counseling out or terminatingemployees(fortunatelynotveryregular)especiallyifothersthanmyselfshouldhavebeenprovidingmoreconstructivefeedbackpriortothesituationreachingthisnecessityrdquo--JoelR

ldquoPhone calls to difficult customers any kind of tax (FedState) preparation delivering bad news toanyonerdquo--MickeyF

ldquoUnsavoryTasksTheonlythingthatIwouldcategorizethiswayisthehomeworkstudyingrequiredformyStatistics(sadistics)classwhichIamcurrentlytakinginmyMBAprogramItisverydemandingandthesubjectmatterisoneaboutwhichIdonotparticularlycareHoweverIremindmyselfthatitwillsoonbeoverandthatthereareotherssufferingthroughitaswellAmethodIfrequentlyemploytogetmethroughthisandotherunsavorytasksistoremindmyselfthatitcouldalwaysbemuchworse

ldquoForinstancedespitethefactthatIhavenointerestinStatisticsIamabletodothehomeworkandpasstheexamsItwouldbeextremelyunpleasantifIwerelessintelligentandnotabletograsptheconceptsofthisrequiredcourseThemostcommonthingaboutwhichIconstantlyremindmyself is that Iamnot inwarItrytorevisitthefeelingthatIhadafterseeinglsquoSavingPrivateRyanrsquooradocumentaryIrecentlysawabout POWrsquos in Vietnam called lsquoReturnWith Honorrsquo Though this does not allow me to lsquoenjoyrsquo anunsavorytaskitgetsmethroughitwithminimalcomplaintrdquo--ChrisW

ldquoNowifIcouldonlyfindthesilverlininginscrubbingtheshowerstallrdquo--VickiS

ldquoCleaningoutthekittylitterusedbyourtwocatsrdquo--AllanH

ldquoIdislikemakingmybedIdonrsquotliketodoweekendchoresegfixingthingspaintingetc--avoidaslongaspossibleIdonrsquotliketogetupearly--doitforbusinessmeetingsortogetMaxtoschoolrdquo--CarlE

ldquoIhaveadifficult timeenjoyinganything thathasbadsmellsassociatedwith itYouprobablydonotneeddetailshererdquo--KarinU

ldquoTheroutinetasksthatareperformedinahurry(cleaninglaundrygroceryshopping)canbeenjoyablewhen not in a hurry Itrsquos not always the task that is unpleasant but the context in which it is beingperformedIthinkthecontextismuchmoreimportantingeneralthantheplacesandactivitiesThinkaboutdoingsomethingroutinebyyourselfwithsomeoneyoudonrsquotparticularlycareforandwithalonglostfriendItdramaticallychangesthelsquofun-nessrsquooftheactivitybecausetheactivityisnolongerthemainfocusCompanionshipcompatibilitylaughtertakeoverrdquo--MarleyC

ldquoUnsavory Tasks totally unpleasant is confrontation of any kind Although I have gotten better athandlingitIalwayshavesickfeelinginmystomachbeforeduringandafteraconfrontationwithsomeoneEvenifitturnsoutOKSomewhatrelatedismeetingorfacingstrangers--lotsofanxietythereunlesstheyaretotallyonmyturfwhereIhavesomeexperienceorexpertiseDonrsquotgetmewrongIdefinitelyenjoypeopleitjusttakesmetimetofeelcomfortableandperhapstrustingofthemrdquo--VickiH

ldquoUnsavoryTasks thinkingofwhat tomake for lunchesordinner I lovemaking the food I justhatedecidingwhattomakerdquo--GailC

PureOutcomeldquoVeryfewmomentsareperceivedaspureoutcomerdquo

--HughPrather

1ldquoThoughtwatchingrdquoisachallengingendeavorbecauseourthoughtstendtoloopasifonaldquothoughtwheelrdquoAthoughtrisesfromanynumberofsourcesquicklypeaksinintensitylaysdormantforawhileonlytoriseagainsomewhatlessintenselythanbefore

Rule6

Pause

ldquoNothingvaluablecanbelostbytakingtimerdquo--AbrahamLincoln

I used to joke thatAmericarsquos urban residentswere all communists becauseeveryone I knewwas rushinrsquo The quip still drawsmoderate laughter but theunderlying themes do not Nearly 30 years after Alvin Toffler pennedFutureShockhispropheciesareringingtrue--lifeisindeedspeedingup

Anditrsquosnotaprettysight

In todayrsquos up-tempo technologically driven society we rush aboutmercilesslyPhysicallywedriveourselves to fatigue traipsingcross-townandcross-countryMentallywedriveourselvestodistractioncreatinganeuralwebof rolesandresponsibility Increasinglyourdesire toarriveat thenextstationstopissopowerfulthatwefailtonoticethefruitstandsandchestnutoaksthatlineourpath

ldquoOurpatiencewillachievemorethanourforcerdquo--EdmundBurke

Howdoweslowthepace

By recognizing that the externalworldwill neitherwait for us nor slow tomeetourneedsMore thanacenturyafterAlexanderGrahamBellrsquos inventionalteredthenatureofhumancommunicationaprofusionofchoicesconfrontus-- voice mail and e-mail cell phones and pagers faxes and wireless InternetconnectivityWe thrill at the soundof awireless connection andpraise the e-

Gods for delivering faster hookups and high-speed data lines But have theyenhancedourqualityof lifeHavewegainedmorethanwersquovelostfromthesehigh-techtreats

Paradoxically many of the worldrsquos technological innovations threaten todissolve the very resource that they sought to create time And from allappearancesnotoolhasyettoappearonthetechnologicalhorizontoturnthattideWhichleavesuswithlittlechoiceIfwewishtodownshiftslowthetempoourbestchanceistoturninsideWeneedbetterfiltersbetterscreensweneedwaystomanagethestaggeringamountof incomingcerebral trafficInawordweneedtolearnhowtopause

ldquoThetimetorelaxiswhenyoudonrsquothavetimeforitrdquo

--SidneyJHarris

CalmingDownTheAmygdala

Brainresearchershaveconfirmedwhatwelonghaveknownintuitively--thattherersquos aphysiological benefit topausingRememberhowyourparentswouldtell you to ldquocount rsquotil 10rdquo when you became angry Do you know why thatworksIthastodowithhowyourbrainiswiredWhenacrisiseruptsroughly10ofyourneuronsarerouteddirectlytotheamygdalayourbrainrsquosemotionalcenterTheother90areroutedthroughthecerebralcortextheldquothinkingrdquopartofyourbrainScientistsbelieve thatwersquorewired thiswayforsurvival that ispart of our brain is designed to simply ldquoreactrdquo even before we ldquothinkrdquo Bycountingto10itallowsthoseneuronsthatfirsttraveledtotheamygdalatore-routeandgothroughthecerebralcortexThatisitgivesustimetoldquothinkrdquo

ACriticalSkill

Pausing is another of those critical life skills that school fails to address(ldquolisteningrdquo tops that list seeRule 11)And itrsquos not the easiest skill to learnPausing is difficult to improvebecausewe live in an agewhichpraises speedandglorifiesproductivity

ButlearningtopauseisworththeinvestmentItgivesustimetoreassessouroptionstochooseourwordsandactionsmorewiselyPausinggivesustimetocatchourbreathphysicallyandmetaphoricallytoidleourengineifonlyforamomentbeforewespeedoffinathousandnewdirectionsApausemaylastjust

a second or two (though aweek-long pause sounds somewhat appealing) butwhateverthelengtheachtimewechoosetopausewegiveourselvesapricelessgift--thegiftoftime

TryitoutThenexttimeyoustepintoyourcartrypausingforjustasecondortwobeforeyouturnontheengineflipontheradioorhookupyourseatbeltPausetakeadeepbreath

And tonight when you slip into bed pause for just a moment before youreach for the book on your night stand Throughout the day try pausing beforeyoudialthephoneorpouryourselfacoldonebeforeyousaynotoyourkids or yes to a volunteer request Soon enough yoursquoll find that simply bypausingyoursquovecreatedspaceforyourselfthatyouneverknewexisted

ldquoPatienceistheabilitytoidleyourmotorwhenyoufeellikestrippingyourgearsrdquo

--BarbaraJohnson

RushingisOptional

Thinkbacktoarecent timewhenyouwererushingaboutChancesare thematterwasnrsquoturgentthatistherewasnomedicalemergencyorlife-threateningsituation The fact is when we review lifersquos moments we find that only ahandfuldemand anup-tempopace aquick reactionor an instantaneous replyNonethelessourpersonalmantraisoneofspeedandhasteandsoonweforgetthatrushingisanoption

So

thenexttimeyoursquorelisteningtosomeoneyoulovetrypausingbeforeyouspeaklongenoughtohearyourprivatethoughts

andthenexttimeyousitdowntodothebillstrypausinglongenoughtohearyourworriesandyourfears

Chances are that if you take the time to pause yoursquoll quickly learn howpowerfulfivesecondscanbe

Tomorrowrsquos pressureswill come soon enoughTherewill be amoment ortwowhen your emotional center is fully chargedWhen thismoment arrivesconsiderRule6Itrsquosaphysiologicalfactthatamomentarystoppageinplay--beita20-secondtimeoutorafullone--willgiveyouenoughtimetoengagethethinkingpartofyourbrainThegoodnewsisthatinlifeunlikebasketballyoudonrsquotrunoutoftimeouts

ldquoInanycontestbetweenpowerandpatiencebetonpatiencerdquo

--WBPrescott

Wellnotexactly

FormoreseeAppendixBldquoLearningtoPauserdquo(p193)

Challenge6ACreateAPersonalTrigger

Todaywill be no different Today yoursquoll saymore than 10000wordsandmakemorethan1000decisionsAndthoughmostwillbeldquoautomaticrdquoa small handful will have a major impact on your self-esteem yourrelationshipsandyourlifedirection

Choose wisely But choose slowly Pausing is always in season butnevermoresothatwhenwespeakandwhenwedecide

Imagine if inside your neural network you were able to build anautonomicmechanismforpausingIfyoubuiltsuchasystemyourwordswouldmore likely inspire than irritate yourdecisionsbasedmoreonintelligencenotimpulsivity

So try creating a mental trigger for pausing that is a system thatinstructs you to pause before you speakAnd pause before youdecide

Yourldquotriggerrdquomightbe

diamsPhysicalplacingafingertoyourlipsdiamsVisualimagingwavesthatcomeshoreordiamsAuditoryhearingavoicethatsimplywhispersldquowaitrdquo

Thetrickistofindatriggerthatworksforyouonethatfitscomfortablyintoyour thoughtpatternandyourmental schemeExperimenthave funbeplayfulThenifyoufindonethatworkstrytomakeitapermanentpartofyourprocessIfyoudothebenefitswilllastalifetime

TheAuthorrsquosFriendsShareTheirThoughtsIn a bid to learn how others think the author assembled a panel of 30friends(psychologistsandsocialworkersamongthem)toanswersomeoflifersquosmostpenetratingquestionsExcerptsoftheiranswersappearbelow

TheauthoraskedhisfriendsHowoftendoyoupause

ldquoPausingWhewwhataconceptIfevertherewereapersonwhowasinneedofthisconceptitmustbeme

ldquoRealizingthatandthenmovingonitisanothermatterindeedPratherrsquoswords1arenoteasilyadheredto(formeatleast)ItrulybelieveIamattimesalmostlsquoADDrsquoinmythinkingpatternsIhavereadandre-readPratherrsquoswordsAmstillnotfullyunderstandingthembutwillattempttomakethetwodayexerciserdquo

ldquoWillgetbacktoyouinthreedaystime(hopefully)Sendsearchteamsifyouhavenrsquotheardfrommeinthreedays--MickeyF

ldquoIhavebeentoldthatmeditationmakesusawareofourthinkingasbeinglikeframesinamoviewithever growing gaps between each framethought until it ismore gap than frame PauseAlways insightsseemtocomewhenwelsquodaydreamrsquo--theyseemtorequirethepause(thatrefreshes)rdquo--JohnN

Patience

ldquoOnlythosewhohavethepatiencetodosimplethingsperfectlywillacquiretheskilltododifficultthingseasilyrdquo

--JohannFriedrichVonSchiller

TheMostImportantTalentldquoIfIhavemadeanyvaluablediscoveriesithasbeenowingmoretopatientattentionthantoanyothertalentrdquo

--SirIsaacNewton

1HughPrather in his bookldquoNotes onHow toLive inThisWorld andStillBeHappyrdquooffers tips onlearningtopauseExcerptsappearinAppendixB

Rule7

Laugh

ldquoPeoplewholaughactuallylivelongerthanthosewhodonrsquotlaughFewpersonsrealizethathealthactually

variesaccordingtotheamountoflaughterrdquo--DrJamesWalsh

ItrsquosofficialThestatisticsareinLaughterheals

Three decades of research have confirmed what Norman Cousins knewinstinctively--thatlaughterworksItlowersbloodpressurereducesyourheartrateboostsyourimmunesystemandhelpsyoucopewithpain

As if thatrsquos not enough laughter also improves relationships builds trustamongalliesandenemiesandhelpsconquerfearsandanxietiesAndthoughnophysicianwillprescribe itandnopharmacystocks it itrsquosquitepossible thatadailydoseoflaughterisnaturersquosperfectmedicineanaturalhealer

ldquoAgainsttheassaultoflaughternothingcanstandrdquo--MarkTwain

More than 30 years ago Norman Cousins combined his extraordinaryintuition and courage to stake claim to the notion that laughter is indeed thebestmedicineCousins theorized then proved that a regular dose of laughterwouldremovethecancerfromhisbodyCousinsbecamelivingtestimonytothemind-bodyconnectiondemonstratingbeyonda shadowof adoubt thathumorheals

SinceCousinsrsquopioneeringworkresearcherstheworldoverhaveaffirmedthepower of laughter Countless studies confirm that laughter createsmeasurablephysiological changes in the human bodyA sampling of study results showsthatjovialburstscan

bullRelievepain--laughterhelpspatientscopewithpain--laughterreleasesendorphinsthebodyrsquosnaturalpainkillersbullLoweryourheartrate--ldquoWhenwelaughourheartrateincreaseswhenwefinishlaughingitthendecreasestoarateslowerthanbeforewestartedtolaughrdquobullRelaxyourmuscles--ldquoTensioninourmusclesincreaseswhenwelaughandlessensoncewersquoredonerdquobullImprovebreathing--ldquoIncreasedrespirationfromlaughingclearsoutthedeadspacesinourlungsareasthatnormallydonrsquotgetoxygenatedrdquoandbullBoostyourimmunesystem1

ldquoTimespentlaughingistimespentwiththeGodsrdquo--Japaneseproverb

LifersquosNaturalResource

And the body of research continues to grow confirming what we senseintuitivelythattheabilitytoexerciseourinnerclowndirectlyaffectsourabilitytoenjoylife

StarttoLaugh

Sothenexttimeyoursquoregrippedwithfrustration

oracaseofill-will

starttolaugh

Andthenexttimeyourvoicebeginstosoar

andyournervesbegintofray

starttolaugh

ldquoLaughteristhemosthealthfulexertionrdquo

--CWilhelmHufeland

BuywhimsicalbookswatchfrivilouscomediesVisitcomedyclubsandreadcartoonsMake funny faces in themirrorWhatever your fancymake time inyourbusyscheduletolaugh

Itrsquospowerfulmedicine

Challenge7ALaughingallthewaytowork

Youprobably think that Irsquommaking this up but at one time licensedpsychologist Phyliss Shanken was employed as a ldquohumor consultantrdquo(currently shersquos theDirector ofPsychologicalServices at INTROSPECTofBuxMontwwwpshankencom)Butdonrsquot let that foolyou -- shersquosanexpertonlaughingBelowPhylisssharesherownstoryandinsodoingchallengeseachofustoldquolaughourselvessillyrdquo

Phylissshowustheway

ldquoEverymorning on the way to my office when I reach thetraffic lightatFivePointsPlazaIstart to laughIt takesaboutthree to four minutes to drive from there to my office and Icontinue to laughheartily theentire time Irsquomalone in thecarno one has toldme a joke 91 FM radio is probably reportingdepressing news or guests on a talk show are discussingproblemsintheworldtodayYetIlaughInordertostartmyselfoff Idonrsquoteven try to thinkofanything funny I justbreak intoguffaws Ifpeople inothercarsgivemewide-eyedstares I justlaughmoreAfterallembarrassmentbreedslaughter

ldquoWhydoIputmyselfthroughthischortlingworkoutBecauseI know that according to Dr William Fry a Stanfordpsychiatristwhohasbeenastudentoflaughterforthreedecadeslaughing 100 times a day (about three minutes) is thecardiovascularequivalentof10minutesofrowingJust thinkof