29714004 how to survive the irritable male syndrome 10 tips to keep your relationship from falling...

8/3/2019 29714004 How to Survive the Irritable Male Syndrome 10 Tips to Keep Your Relationship From Falling Apart

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10 Tips for Keeping Irritable Male Syndrome From Wrecking Your Relationship

Read Jeds new book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the IrritableMale Syndrome on Scribdat: http://tinyurl.com/MrMeanBookor get a hard

copy by going to http://www.menalive.com/mrmean.htm

Jed Diamond, Ph.D. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 45years. He is the author of 8 books, including Looking for Love in All the WrongPlaces, Male Menopause, The Irritable Male Syndrome, and Mr. Mean: SavingYour Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome (May, 2010). He offerscounseling to men, women, and couples in his office in California or by phonewith people throughout the U.S. and around the world. To receive a Free E-bookon Mens Health and a free subscription to Jeds e-newsletter go towww.MenAlive.com. If you are looking for an expert counselor to help withrelationship issues, write [email protected].

Studies show that 50% of first marriages, 67 percent of second marriages,and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. As a marriage and family counselorwho specializes in helping men and the women who love them, Ive found thatthe hidden destroyer of good relationships is a phenomenon I call The IrritableMale Syndrome (IMS). Here are 10 tips for keeping IMS from wrecking yourmarriage.

1. Know your enemy.

Heres a letter I received, typical of thousands, which describes what families

are up against.

Last month a man came home from work with my husbands face but he did notact at all like the man I married. I've known this man for 30 years, married 22 of them

and have never met this guy before. Angry, nasty, and cruel are just a few words to

describe him. He used to be the most upbeat, happy person I knew. Now hes gone fromMr. Nice to Mr. Mean. In spite of how he treats me I still love my husband and want to

save our marriage.

Women often wonder how the man can change from looking at her withlove and affection to giving her looks filled with hate and revulsion. One visualaid that helps them to understand what is going on is to recall the optical illusionof the old-witch/young woman.
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What do you see? Is it a profile of a young and beautiful lady, or do you seean old witch with huge and ugly nose?

You cant see them both at the same time. Our brain organizes what it seesas one or the other. Men experiencing IMS often get locked in to the witch andarent able to hold a positive vision of their wives.

When IMS comes into the home, he blames her and she blames him. Butthe real villain is IMS monster who laughs maliciously in the background.

2. Understand your man has been transformed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

One of the most devastating aspects of IMS is watching the man you lovechange from a loving husband and father to someone who seems bent ondestroying everyone around him.

My husbands personality suddenly changed from my funny, loving Dr. Jekyll

into an angry, resentful, and controlling Mr. Hyde, this married, mother of three, wroteto me. He grew increasingly angry with me and seemed to withdraw from our

marriage. We used to enjoy being together. Now he spends most of his time in his home

office or at the neighborhood bars until well after 1 A.M.

Fortunately this transformation from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean is reversible.

3. Recognize the 4 most common symptoms of IMS.

In the research study I conducted with over 60,000 males, I found therewere 50 symptoms (You can take the full quiz at www.IMSquiz.com) that wereindicative of Irritable Male Syndrome. Here are the most common.
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Hypersensitivity.

Its as though the man was emotionally sunburned. It seems that everylittle thing sets him off. She feels like shes walking on egg shells trying to avoidsetting him off. He feels like everyone is going out of their way to irritate him.

Anxiety.

Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from theanticipation of a realistic, or fantasized, threatening event or situation. IMS menlive in constant worry and fear. There are many real threats that they are dealingwithsexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems. There are alsomany uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and fantasize about futureproblems that may never occur.

Frustration.

IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life. Theyoften feel defeated in the things they try to do to improve their lives. These menfeel frustrated in their relationships with family, friends, and at work. The world ischanging and they dont know where, how, or if they fit in.

Author Susan Faludi captures this frustration in her book Stiffed: TheBetrayal of the American Man. The frustration is expressed in the question thatis at the center of her study of American males. If, as men are so often told,they are the dominant sex, why do so many of them feel dominated, done in bythe world? This frustration, which is frequently hidden and unrecognized, is a

key element of IMS.

Anger.

Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure orhostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it can lead toaggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can result in depression andsuicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or it can be subtle and covert. Angercan be loud or quiet. It can be expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or instony silence.

Many women suffer indirectly from IMS as they see the man they lovebecoming more and more unhappy, angry, and withdrawn. They also sufferdirectly as they increasingly become the target of his angry and erratic moods.The relationship that they have lovingly built through the years begins to crumble.This is more than painful. It is a tragedy.


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4. Learn the 4 key causes of IMS.

Although Irritable Male Syndrome is complex, there are 4 key causes thatcan help you to rescue your relationship: 1) Hormonal fluctuations, 2)Biochemical changes in brain chemistry, 3) Increasing stress, 4) Loss of male

identity and purpose.

Hormonal changes and IMS

Testosterone is a critically important hormone for men (and women).Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D., author ofThe Alchemy of Love and Lust, describestestosterone as the young Marlon Brandosexual, sensual, alluring, and dark,with a dangerous undertone.

When a mans testosterone is out of whack he getswell, testy.

Weve heard of roid rage when men take testosterone-like steroids to bulkup. But the more common reason men become irritable is when theirtestosterone levels are too low, rather than too high.

Biochemical changes and IMS

Most people have heard of the brain neurotransmitter, serotonin. When wehave enough flowing through our brains, we feel good. When there isntenough, we feel bad. What most people dont know is that our serotonin levelsare influenced by what we eat.

Judith Wurtman, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the Massachusetts Institute ofTechnology found that a high protein, low carbohydrate diet can causeserotonin levels to drop. They found that men often mistake their cravings forhealthy carbohydrates, such as those found in rice, corn, squash, with cravingsfor protein found in meat. Eating protein when we need carbohydrates, saysWurtman, will make us grumpy, irritable, or restless.

Stress and IMS

Its no secret that stress levels are going through the roof. Our economicsystem seems on the brink of collapse. We worry about whether we will have a

job tomorrow and how we can support our family while prices on everythingcontinue to rise. World population is expected to reach 7 billion next year.

According to the UN population division 216,000 children are born each day.They wont all come to our town, but we all feel the pressure and our stressincreases.


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Loss of male identity and IMS

For most of human history, the male role was clear. Our main role was tobring home the bacon. Everyone had a job and contributed to the well-being ofthe family, the tribe, and the village. But now many of us work at jobs that we

hate, producing goods or services that have no real value to the community.

Weve gotten farther and farther away from the basics of bringing homefood weve hunted or grown ourselves. The money we receive is smallcompensation for doing work that is meaningless. And the men with some kindof job, no matter how bad, are the lucky ones. More and more men are losingtheir jobs and cant easily find new ones.

5. Get testosterone levels checked.

Low testosterone is one of the main causes of IMS and we know that

testosterone levels decrease as a man ages. But how do you know if a manstestosterone level is too low? According to Abraham Morgentaler, M.D.,Associate Clinical Professor at Harvard Medical School and author of the bookTestosterone For Life, you should get a test that measures both totaltestosterone as well as free testosterone. If either one is low (Total T less than350 ng/dl and, especially, free T less than 15 pg/ml, then there is a strongpossibility that he has low T and might benefit from treatment.

Many doctors are not familiar with hormone testing. I have found that a goodplace to learn more and get your hormone levels tested is through ZRTlaboratory. ZRTs founder and director, Dr. David Zava is one of the experts in

the field. And best of all they will send you everything you need through the mail.Check out their website at: www.ZRTlab.com.

6. Change what you eat and drink.

Two-thirds of us are overweight and most of us have good reasons to shedthe extra pounds. Heres an additional reason you should know about. Being aslittle as 10 pounds overweight will lower a mans testosterone levels. Thatsbecause the fat cells contain an enzyme called aromatase that convertstestosterone to estrogen. Eat a balanced diet with lots of fruits and vegetables,lose weight, keep your testosterone, increase your well-being, and decrease your

irritability.

Heres another tip. Cut back on your drinking. According to EugeneShippen, M.D., author ofThe Testosterone Syndrome, Drinking alcohol cancause a significant rise in estrogen in both women and men.
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7. Get moving.

Exercise has been a part of our lives since humans first walked thesavannas of Africa hunting and gathering the necessities required for life. In theirbook, The Paleolithic Prescription, authors S. Boyd Eaton, M.D., Marjorie

Shostak, Ph.D, and Melvin Konner, M.D., Ph.D. tell us about the importance ofexercise in maintaining an irritable-free and healthy lifestyle. "Our geneticconstitution has been selected to operate within a milieu of vigorous, daily, andlifelong physical exertion," they say. "The exercise boom is not just a fad; it is areturn to 'natural' activity--the kind for which our bodies are engineered and whichfacilitates the proper function of our biochemistry and physiology."

I have found that a complete program for physical fitness involves threemain components: Cardiorespiratory (aerobic) endurance, muscular strength,and flexibility. Good cardiorespiratory endurance means that activities requiringstamina (such as soccer, swimming, running, and basketball) can be maintained

for relatively prolonged periods.

Eaton, Shostak, and Konner remind us that "People who do systematicexercise significantly improve their aerobic fitness reduce their percentage ofbody fat, lower their blood pressure and pulse, lower their 'bad' LDL-cholesterolvalues, increase their proportion of "good" HDL-cholesterol, lower their bloodsugar and insulin levels, and lower their level of serum triglycerides."

8. Understand mens secret shame.

Whats shame have to do with Irritable Male Syndrome? Well, in a word,

everything! Although things like hormonal fluctuations, biochemical changes inthe brain, stress, and loss of male identity are key causes of IMS; shame is theemotion that fuels IMS and keeps its destructive power alive in your relationship.

One of the areas of greatest shame for men, one they hide even fromthemselves, is how dependent they feel on the nurture and support of women. Inhis book Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man, psychologist Sam Keen talks abouthis hidden dependency on women. If the text of my life was successful,independent man, the subtext was engulfed by WOMAN.

In his book, Misogyny: The Male Malady, Anthropologist David Gilmoreexplains mens fear of women this way: Men throughout the world haveunconscious wishes to return to infancy, longings to suckle at the breast, toreturn to the womb, the powerful temptation to surrender ones masculineautonomy to the omnipotent mother of childhood fantasy.

A mans longing to be held and nurtured and his fear of being dependent isthe secret shame that drives Irritable Male Syndrome.


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9. Learn the difference between anger and rage.

Most people confuse rage with anger. John Lee, author ofThe AngerSolution, says, Rage is as different from anger as night is from day, as applesare from orangutans. Anger is a feeling and emotion. Rage has the ability to

cover other feelings, but it is not a feeling or emotion in itself. Rage is like a hugedose of morphine. It is a drug that is legal, plentiful, readily available, and can beaddictive.

When we were growing up, most of the time anger was expressed in the formof blame. When our father or mother got angry, they were angry at us. We weretold directly, or indirectly, that we did something wrong. They let us know that thepunishment we received when they were angry was because we werebad.

Once we accept anger as a feeling, without making someone else responsiblefor our anger, we can stop blaming others (or blaming ourselves).

Lee offers a number of helpful contrasts between anger and rage:

Anger clears the air, while rage clouds communication.

Anger rights injustices and wrongs. Rage is an injustice and wrongs

people further.

Anger concerns the present. Rage concerns the past.

Anger is about me, about how Im feeling. Rage is about you, my

judgment of your perceived inadequacies.

Men who get hooked on rage are looking for love, but dont know how to findit. They hunger for someone to love and comfort them, but they settle for tryingto control those they have become dependent upon. They feel powerless andsmall and their rage gives them a temporary feeling of strength and superiority.

10. Heal the relationship without talking about.

For men the 5 most dreaded words in the English language are, Honey, weneed to talk. The words can be said with anger or with love, with disdain orcompassion, with despair or with hope. It seems no matter how they arepresented, they are met with a resistance bordering on terror by most men.

For most women, talking is the way they connect. Its how they deal with theirfears and how they solve problems. When they see the man in their life suffering


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from the irritable male syndrome, they want to get him to talk about it in thehopes that they can help him heal.

But for men, talking often triggers shame. Heres why. Usually when womenapproach men for one of those lets talk moments, its when she is afraid. This

triggers his shame and he usually thinks, What have I done wrong now? As wehave more and more of these encounters, the woman builds up more fear andthe man builds up more shame until talking is the last thing he wants to do.

So what can you do? Walk, dont talk. Men are more comfortable with side-by-side communication rather than face-to-face communication. Walkingtogether often brings a sense of calm and peace that can help heal woundswithout talking about it.

Learn to deepen your emotional bond with each other. In her book, Hold MeTight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr. Sue Johnson says she

learned that romantic love was all about attachment and emotional bonding. Itwas all about our wired-in need to have someone to depend on, a loved one whocan offer reliable emotional connection and comfort.

One of the most difficult, yet healing experiences for most men, is to just letourselves be held and nurtured. The main reason that men are so preoccupiedwith sex, I believe, is that they are ashamed of their desire to be held like a child.

But we need that kind of nurturing as much when we are adults as we didwhen we were young. Dr. Johnson reminds us all that we must recognize andadmit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in

much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, andprotection. She says that adult attachments may be more reciprocal and lesscentered on physical contact, but the nature of the emotional bond is the same.

So, dont talk about fixing the relationship. Learn to nurture each other as wewould a precious child who we love, no matter what they have done. Hold ontight to each other. At the end of the day, this is what will get us through thedarkness.

You can contact me at www.MenAlive.com. To read my latest book, Mr.Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome, go to:http://tinyurl.com/MrMeanBook.
http://www.menalive.com/http://tinyurl.com/MrMeanBookhttp://www.menalive.com/http://tinyurl.com/MrMeanBook

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