45408 - indenial 32pp

8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/45408-indenial-32pp 1/32

8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Indenial

This book has been put together because I want people to understand eating disorders and howthey affect people with and without a disorder -men, women, girls and boys, parents and children.

Through poetry, art, photography and personal stories I hope this book will show a well rounded account of the emotions and experiences

people have about eating disorders.If you do nd yourself relating to the stories of sufferers please get help.

There are many organisations who are there to give advice, and some of them can be found at theback of this book.

I hope that whoever you are, this book will give you an insight into eating disorders.

Mary**name has been changed to protect privacy

Indenial Thursday 3rd June.indd 2 28/06/2010 15:08

8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/45408-indenial-32pp 3/32Indenial Thursday 3rd June.indd 3 28/06/2010 15:08

8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Looking back, I have found that my problems with food and eating donot have a particular starting point. It seems that I had mad eating habits imprinted on me from a very young age. My biological mother was always slim, as was my whole family. In my recovery stagehowever, I talked about things with my dad who told me that my biological mother had always had issues with food, eating very littleand fearing being classed as a healthy weight.

After learning this I took a trip to see her and I found that what he had said was completely true. I went with her to the scales in the local chemist. I weighed in at 6st13lb with a body mass index of 17.7; still underweight after three months of trying to get better. When she went onto the scale she was a healthy weight for the rst time in her life.She didn’t let me see the printout and decided to go on a diet. After I had left she text messaged me to say how much weight she had lost,as if we were in competition. Clearly this is a woman with problems, but at the time I resented her for making me feel that being underweight

and undernourished was healthy, and for giving me the framework for developing anorexia.

Before this happened, my stepmum died, a week before I started university. As one might expect of a fresher, I drank to excess to get over my grief, and binged on junk food. By December I had reached my highest ever weight of 8st 7lb at 5ft2in, which is a perfect weight. I then went to a rave for New Year’s, and innocently enough an old boyfriend and friend pointed out that I was no longer skinny like I

always had been. Although I was already unhappy with my weight, I took that and used it as my inspiration, my “thin-spiration”, and cut back to about 300 calories a day, living off one small bowl of bran akes withwater for breakfast, half a tin of soup for lunch and the rest for dinner with nothing else except for vodka and diet cola on the evenings whenI felt well enough to go out. But that needed to be counteracted withvigorous exercise. I felt dead and ill every day, lying down hurt. Thecold was unbearable, I was constantly ill, suffering heart pains as my body tried to burn every muscle including my heart for fuel, my hair

MY STORY


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


came out in clumps, my personality was gone and I was toomiserable to be nice to people. All I could think about was calories.

I broke up for the summer in May and decided I wanted to get

better. But I still had an overwhelming fear of fat, so I only upgraded to 300 calories per meal as I worked out that with such a low body mass my metabolism would be low. I kept on losing weight and began to go to the doctor. Never about the eating though. I told them about my allergies, my hair loss, my constant illness and my lack of periods, sore bones and bruising. They did weigh me and told me I needed to put on weight to get better. I was given laxativesas I complained of my digestion and the pain I felt from eating whenmy stomach was not used to it (re-feeding syndrome). I took

pregnancy tests even though I knew I wasn’t pregnant but my stomach was so swollen it looked like I was a malnourished

African child.


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


I nally broke the fear of gaining weight when I found a new boyfriend and realised that I was very unlikely to ever be able to have children if I carried on. I was sure that there was an old Mary that was so much bet-ter, the type of girl he deserved to be with. Then my problem was learn-ing to eat how other people eat; I wasn’t around anyone who ate nor-mally, as my family had shrunk from six to three of us and nobody wasever in, my dad doesn’t really eat and my brother only eats bread, meat and pastry. I then spent time on the internet asking people about normal eating whilst doing yoga daily to calm my anxiety and strengthen my body, bones and metabolism. I was de nitely eating enough at this point but I still had an obsession with food – counting calories and fearing going over the recommended 2000, worrying if this was too much, and feeling faint when I hadn’t had enough .

I went to Newquay with some friends and had a fantastic time, whichwas such a nice change. I saw all my friends that I had at Uni before I left, and ate normally, although noticeably less than the others. I waseating more than three meals a day and I even let myself have somecider and ‘naughty’ foods such as sh and chips and pizza. But fromall the dancing, swimming and running around I had lost the half stoneI had gained and was six stone again.

It was after this holiday that I went to see my real mum as I mentioned earlier. I wanted to see my little brother and learn more about eating normally, as I thought she did at the time, and to stop myself fromspending time alone in my house wondering what was okay to eat.

The biggest step in my recovery was when I moved in with my current housemates. I was busy having fun and eating and seeing lots of

normal eating. Then I had my rst period in nine months which weall celebrated, although I have not had one since.

I have kept to my yoga as I feel I have gained so much from it. I still have a fear of putting on too much weight and currently weigh 7st7lb,but I can tell the disorder is not completely gone. I don’t like my scalesshowing more than 7st7lb.


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


My biggest fear and regret was the thought that I may have played a part in one of my best friends’ suffering with anorexia. Thankfully I think she is doing ne now. I con ded in her what I was doing and

eating, and I presented her with a lot of dangerous information, and I continue to hate myself for what I may have done to her. I do seehow easy it would be for me to go back to my old ways but I have toremember that even though I can do it I still have only had one period and often nd myself pinching my fat and worrying about calories and testing my ability to ignore hunger. I hope to regain normal periodsand maintain a healthy weight and enjoy life soon.

Mary* *Name has been changed


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


An email sent in response to requests for contributions:

To: MaryFrom: Sufferer

Hey Missy

I think this sounds like a really interesting project, it’ssomething which I would love to be involved in. I hope you canappreciate my wish to keep this private though, I’m not embarrassedit just feels really personal.

I suffered from anorexia (or emotional avoidance disorder, as somedoctor named it) when I was 13. I was hospitalised with it and putinto an inpatient unit and then into care, before winning the rightto go home at a tribunal and having to continue to attend

outpatient treatment for six months.

I was 5’2”, and was hospitalised at 40 kgs, but my weight thendropped rapidly in hospital to 29 kgs. I was tubed numerous times,

which they resulted in sedating me for, as it hurt so much but Iused to rip them out, genuinely because they were souncomfortable and felt huge inside me. I also got canister drips puton but couldn’t stand them either. After about three days of eating/drinking nothing at all, I got forced to sip some water and eat atriangle of a sandwich. I took one sip and a tiny bite and then layin agony for about 40 minutes as it felt like it was tearing up mystomach as my body attempted to digest something again.

The doctors had told me that I had a few weeks to live and that Ishould be having trouble breathing, but I was still happily walkingaround the hospital/dancing/drawing etc. Except for a bit oflightheadedness, I never really felt ill. I remember I could neversleep, I kept a diary which I have to this day. One of the pagesjust had 3 pictures on of a smiling stick gure girl, a sad stick

gure girl and a third with x’s for eyes. The rst was labelled ‘ahappy normal girl outside’, the second ‘me here’, and the third ‘meif I stay here’. Considering I was only 13 years old, and thedrawing shows my age, that always gets me a little.

I recovered slowly over the next few years. I’m now happilycomfortable that I’ve recovered, my weight has been a steady 50kgsever since I was 14 and I don’t calorie-count, fear or really thinkabout food. I am still prone to depressed periods, in these times Ihave to remind myself to eat, last year I had ‘eat’ ‘drink’ writtenon my hand and my housemate joked about how only I would needreminding to do those things...

Good luck with it all xox


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


She wishes

She wishes she was normal Longs for the day When she won’t think about this at all

When she can’t see the scars Laid on her skin and heartWhen she won’t feel this

Longing like she isn’t who she should beWhen she won’t look in the mirror and wantTo cut away every

Imperfection Until there’s nothing left

Until that day She smiles sweetly Laughs loudly And lies convincingly

As inside she’s screamingShe’s everythingShe’s ever hated.

Personifed

By Imperfection

Rowena Wiseman


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Can’t keep my head above theseWaves o destruction and o

Love since two are o

The same.We inevitably destroy that we nd

So dear,That which we keep so close to us that sufocation

Threatens us with tears.We sit alone

And watch the rain drops rollOver our heads. So bright and ragile, we don’t

Consider such a tiny thing canStop our head rom rising once

Again.

But rain drops magni y the world byTen, and blur our vision so we can’t

See where we went wrong.They get stuck in our eyes until we can’t

Focus on the joys that are obstructed by theTears that choke us - rain drops rom

Our hearts.

Rain drops that cause the waves to grow everHigher and the sea we cannot escape everDeeper, so that soon we cannot breathe.

We gasp and claw at anything we can, anythingTo keep our head

Out o the darkness, anything

To stop us being dead.

And we watch the rain drops rollOver her head. So bright and ragile, we don’t

Consider such a tiny thing canStop her head rom rising once

Again.We don’t consider that we don’t see her

Drowning in hersel .

Waves o Destruction

Rowena Wiseman


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Her smile faltersIn the blink of an eye

The world can see her

It laughs and pointsShe runs and hides

Her smile faltersShe’s lost her pride

She can’t find her smileHer laugh is lost

She’s falling further

She’s gasping for breathFrantically searching for her faltered smile

Screaming, crying, tired of lyingInside she’s falling apart

She finds her feet, her smile’s complete

And now her silence fills her head and she sleeps.

Her Smile Falters

Rowena Wiseman


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Nick Willis

www.nicksfault .com


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Face against a mirror,She watches teardrops,

Clear as the purest springsFall down her cheeks

Fragile. Lonely.

Damaged. Destructive.Painful.

She’s far too deep

To be saved by tears tonight.She’s hurting inside

And no one truly listens When she explains

The indespicable hatredShe’s experiencing As she leans her

Face against a mirror.

Face against a mirror

Rowena Wiseman


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


I wrote this after I broke up with my boyfriend last year, because of my ED

What do you do,When the person you love

Has to be let goTo save their soul?

When the world tumbles around you As you claw to hold on

To the one person you need As you’re drowning in their tears.

To see the light in their eyeSlowly go out

And to know that its your faultBut nothing can save them but you.

What do you doWhen they love you?

Let them go, and die yourself?Or kill them slowly, one day at a time?

What happens when you can’t face the day And you know they feel your pain?

But it doesn’t feel the same As you suffocate them with every word you

say.

What do you do?

Rowena Wiseman


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Starving hurts but it’s the only way To free myself from another day Trying to lose the weight that now

Holds me down. GOD I feel like a cow!I try so hard to be thin, pretty and smart

I wish that someone had the heart To see my pain and actually care.

Someone to love me when I am honest and bare.

The mirror stands there telling liesGOD! I cant believe my eyes!

FAT thin FAT thin.Eyes oh Eyes make up your mind,

I am in such a bind, Trapped in a cage,

Lost in a rageWHY THE HELL DID YOU EAT THAT?LOOK AT YOU, YOU’VE GOTTEN FAT!

True or not it must be so. You look like St. Nick, Ho Ho Ho...

Starving Hurts

Heather Farr


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Behind that happySmiling face

She hidesFrom secret fearsAnd painful lies.

The little girl gets buried“The past that claimed her name”

Ever deeper todayThough she still feels the same.

With hidden tracks of makeupFlowing from her eyesShe pushes her away

And hides.

Behind that happySmiling face...

She cries.She stares at bleak grey skies

And feels them close around herAs they start to pull apart

Her precious disguise.

She’s trying to fght the tideHer smile falters

Her eyes fade

And she’s still struggling to hide.

Behind that happySmiling face...

She lies.

The Past That Claimed Her Name

Rowena Wiseman


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Baked Beans and Weetabix....and me....Baked beans and more Baked Beans that’s what Iused to eat, simple to prepare, never used too much heat. A piece of toast will do me fine, with

beans all over the top, butter spread all on the beans. Will this feeling ever stop?

At an early age all was well and off I went to school.Meals at the table made me scared, I didn’t want to bother,

I was seen by a doctor,Nice old man called in by my mother!

I was asked to promise to eat some peas and any other cooking...but the beans came out uponmy plate when Mum and Dad weren’t looking.

Weetabix for breakfast, beans upon the toastWeetabix for dinner but not the Sunday roast. I’d run into the garden..not wanting to eat food.

When people came to visit, they all said I was rude.

This went on for many years. Twas Weetabix or nothing. But as I got older, I did eat some morefood..but often was in tears. Everyone eats so much more than me I wonder how I keep going...

I keep quiet with no one ever knowing. It is a fight every day when I have to think of food andsometimes I don’t bother... but because I promised the doctor man... called for by my Mother.

Weetabix and Baked Beans


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


My early years were ok as far as I know but I started school and was forced to eatdinners at school by a teacher on duty who poked me in the back with her walking stick ifI wasn’t eating and watched me as I attempted to eat. I was six stone at the age ofthirteen and never showed my arms to anyone, wearing a cardigan all summer as I wasso thin. All I would eat was Baked Beans and Weetabix...no one could make me eatanything else...eventually I did try eating peas as a doctor said I had to, as at 13 myperiods hadn’t started. He said I had to promise him I would try. I only had small amountsof food if I knew what it was and who had cooked it. Mum was an excellent cook, but wefell out and she never made a meal for me, then fed me with cold lumpy mash and coldscrambled egg. I was heaving, believe me. This triggered the same feelings at all mealtimes...the dog was handy as he would take what I was supposed to eat. As I grew up Ihad more control over the food I could eat... never able to eat out or in someone else’shouse and that is still the same. I am still plagued with the fear of eating... if I don’t wantit... guess what - I have beans! I wonder if that teacher made this happen to me? I wouldrather go without eating than feel all uptight about food. Even to this day I panic almost ifI have to eat too much food, as if my body copes ok but I know it has to be fed, but I canhonestly say I never enjoy food.

An explanation

Anonymous


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Body image is a huge factor in today’s society. We are continuallybombarded with images of what we ‘think’ we should look like.

Today we have to t into some sort clique to consider ourselves asnormal. The media has hyped this perfect image of what girls andboys should look like. We’re told not to have imperfections or aws.We’re told that we should be as skinny as a fashion model, and that weshould be as pretty as Megan Fox. As young adults we are never givena break from these representations.

A help site for eating disorders, ‘Beat’, believes that about 9000 young

adults are being treated for anorexia or bulimia. Unfortunately thisgure is growing every year. Children as young as 10 years old arebeing treated for eating disorders. Many cases go undiagnosed, inparticular, Bulimia Nervosa.

Too big a sacri ce


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


As a former su erer myself, I know what it is like to continuouslycompare yourself, not just to celebrities, but also to family membersand friends. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to be able to t skinny jeansand skirts. At one point I would have done any thing to get there. Butafter years of su ering, and numerous counselling appointments, Ibegan to realise that I had more important things to do.

After listening to people’s jibes and taunts for years, I started to listento myself. I realised the positives outweighed the negatives. I still havetimes when I wish I was a size smaller or that I could be a lot

prettier, but I’m happy with my life. I have a loving family, amazingfriends and a dream I’m working towards.

Remember you’re never alone. It doesn’t matter who you talk to, justas long as you get the help you need to get better. Some days will bebetter than others, but never give up. Is your life really worthsacri cing to be thin?

Anonymous


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


When I first started making myselfsick, I didn’t know what the wordbulimia meant. It all began at mysecondary school when I was bullied.I was a bit geeky and was teased for

it, but as time went on it got worseand took a homophobic turn.

I was quite effeminate in myappearance, and when my voicebroke it was squeaky, which didn’thelp. I was quite the gay stereotype,even though at the time I thought

it was a swear word. I was callednames like ‘batty boy’ and ‘puffter’ ona regular basis.

As the bullying grew worse and morekids joined in, I would run out oflessons to escape the abuse. I hidin the boys’ toilets where I knew I

wouldn’t be found. There I wouldcomfort eat to ease the tension andanxiety that had built up inside methroughout the day. Over time, itbecame a habit and evolved into memaking myself sick. I’d go home andbinge on anything I could find andmake myself throw up there too. The

release made me feel better and

became my way of coping with thebullying. I only realised it was a prob-lem through reading an Agony Aunt’scolumn in my mum’smagazine. I’d heard of eating

disorders, but thought it was juststarving yourself. I didn’t think mencould have eating disorders, either.For a while, I was in denial about it. Ithought: ‘I’m a boy, there’s no way Iam bulimic.’ It became a way topunish myself, because I began tobelieve that I deserved the bullying.

It was never about weight or evenbody image for me, only aboutemotional stress. I was alwaysunderweight and very thin. As ateenager, I weighed about six and ahalf stone.

I only had one friend in high school,but even he bullied me when theothers were around. A lot of myclassmates didn’t want to associatewith me in case they got picked ontoo. I think my mum knew that I wasdepressed, but she was wrapped upin her own problems, so there was

no-one I could talk to.

Sam’s Story

Sam set up a website. ‘Men Get Eating Disorders Too!’ as an ITV Fixer. He has

used his experienced positively to help other sufferers. Here is his story:


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


www.mengetedstoo.co.uk

The only time the school did anythingabout it was when I walked out theday after the bullying got too much.A teacher asked me to make a list ofall the people who were attacking me,and she was shocked when it ran upto about 40 kids.

I used to play truant a lot, whichmeant I didn’t do well in my GCSEsas I was supposed to. The day aftermy exams I went to see the doctor,and confessed that I was makingmyself sick and the depression wasbecoming overwhelming. I wasreferred to a youth service, butbecause I was 16 my mum wouldhave to be told. I didn’t want her toknow, so I didn’t go. I moved to sup-portive housing in Liverpool, but theproblems continued.

I was at my lowest weight when I was17, weighing just under six stone. Bythen, I was starving myself as well.I went through a delusional stageof what healthy eating was – I’d eatnothing but lean chicken and leavesfor days, or chew on food and spit itout – although I don’t think I ever gotto the anorexia stage.

I went to the doctor’s again, but Iwasn’t honest about the problem, sonothing was done. It was only afterI moved to Worthing when I was 18and went to the young people’sservice Connexions that my lifestarted to change. I was put onanti-depressants and began havingcounselling and getting involved involuntary work. I started running a lotto relieve the tension. That encour-aged me to eat more healthily, too.

I’m not bulimic any more – I haven’tmade myself sick for at least two anda half years. There have been timesin extreme circumstances where it’scrossed my mind, but I’ve done somany positive things with my life nowthat I can’t go back. Talking about ithelps, and I hope by setting up thiswebsite it will encourage many moremen to begin their road to recovery.

www.mengetedstoo.co.uk


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


In The Mirror

I look in the mirror and what do I see?A big fat person looking back at me.

So I sit in the corner and have a good cry,No-one believes me - I wonder why.

Why don’t they see me as I see myself?An overweight nothing, left on the shelf.

I know they’re all lying when they say I’m not fat.I look in the mirror and what’s looking back?

Me! A big fat chunky me!When I look in the mirror, that’s what I see.

So I try not to look, it upsets me so,And don’t offer me snacks ‘cause I’ll keep saying no.

I don’t need their help, their food or advice,I just want to slim down and try and look nice.

So I’ll stay in my room where no-one can see,I won’t have to eat, I can just be me.

I’ll have a glass of water and a couple of crackers.I just wanna get slim, that’s all that matters.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?A big fat person and that person’s me.

Anonymous


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


WhyI’m in a hospital bed against my will.

I didn’t even know I was ill,I just want to be happy with myself.

There’s nothing wrong at all with my health.Drips in my arms, I’m asking why?

And why did you say you didn’t want me to die?There’s nothing wrong if I don’t eat dinner.It’s my choice, I just want to get thinner.And don’t keep saying it’s all in my head

When I’m tired and just want to lay on my bed.Why can’t you just leave me be?

Why did an ambulance come for me?Please take the drips out and let me go home

So I can start slimming again on my own.

By Laura March


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


I recently had the pleasure o meeting Mary and we talked about the issuesaround anorexia whilst preparing or a radio show. We had the opportunity totalk be ore the show and she told me that she had to largely get through theexperience on her own without any proper medical support. She went to her GPand was given pregnancy tests and her condition was not picked up, perhapsbecause there was a lack o physical signs and symptoms, or there was limitedtime in which to deal with the issues being brought orward. Whatever the

reason, it is not an ideal situation. The best advice I can give may sound obvious, but it is: Tell them you wouldlike help, i you yoursel know what is going on. I somebody is not taking youseriously enough, ask to speak to somebody else, and i all else ails speak tosupport groups who might be able to point you in the right direction.

A Doctor’s Advice


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


Five Tips

1. Be honest where possible - all health pro essionals have a legal obligation tokeep your in ormation secret and i they were to breach that con dentiality theycould be taken to court and at worst lose their job.

2. Make a list - i you do not want to speak directly about the act that you think you have an eating disorder then it may be worth making a list o the signs andsymptoms you are su ering, and they may work it out themselves. I you arenot ready to disclose that you have an eating disorder don’t blame the healthpro essional or missing it, as it can be extremely difcult to pick up. All doctorsthat I have met genuinely are in the caring pro ession to help – and most o usacknowledge that we don’t always get everything correct.

3. Choose to choose - i you are not com ortable speaking to a certain doctor,ask to speak to a nurse. Sometimes they can be more understanding and moreapproachable.

4. Be strong and be bold - do not be ignored. I at rst you do not succeed thenmake another appointment until you are sent in the right direction.

5. Work with them and give them a chance - at rst the treatment options andsuggestions that are made may seem pointless or a waste o your time. Give it achance. Sometimes it works, but i it doesn’t a ter giving it a go, then ask to trysomething di erent.

Take control o the situation and help yoursel get better.

I all this ails then drop me a line, I will happily point you in the right direction.

Dr Leigh Bissett

Acute Medicine Doctor

[email protected]


8/8/2019 45408 - Indenial 32pp


45408 - indenial 32pp

Documents