Gil MichaelsAttorneys for Hohoho, LLC have

announced a tentative settlement of the oompa-loompa strike that had threatened to halt gift delivery by Santa this Christmas.

Hohoho, the hedge fund that purchased Santa’s Workshop Inc. at a bankruptcy auction in 2011, had been at odds with members of the Brotherhood of Elves, oompa-loom-pas, Munchkins, Pixies and Fairies, (BEOLMPF) the union that repre-sents the workshop’s staff, over labor conditions at the workshop.

The BEOLMPF called a strike after Les Scroogeman, the manager of Hohoho, refused to rescind a policy that required oompa-loom-pas to use chimneys to gain access to homes for gift deliveries. The union cited several serious injuries to oompah-loompas during chim-ney entries on Christmas Eve 2011.

In one such entry, Pat Loomp (oompa-lompas are androgynous beings, hence the use of androgy-nous names), a 300-year-old oompa-loompa, got stuck in a chimney at a home in Alameda and remained trapped there for several hours.

Only after Loomp’s loud cries of “Oompa loompa doo biddee doo” finally awakened the home’s occu-pants, was he/she freed from the chimney. Loomp, a supernatural entity, was not permanently injured by the ordeal, but was later sued by the homeowner for structural dam-age to the chimney and for emo-tional trauma to the homeowner’s young daughter, who developed a phobia toward short people, and persons with orange skin and/or green hair.

In a similar incident that night in Los Angeles, Jackie Oomp, a gift- delivery and sleigh-driver oompa-loompa, was ambushed, beaten and robbed by gang members after descending down a chimney into a crack-house, and inadvertently “dissing” the gang with his/her green hair, a rival gang’s color.

Los Angeles police were alerted, and Oomp was rescued, after a gang member, while trying to steal Oomp’s sleigh and reindeer, asked a passerby: “Hey, ya know how to drive this?”

Because of the incidents, the BEOLMPFs’ Director, Zontar the elf, asked Scroogeman to declare that chimney use be halted on Christmas Eve 2012; and that oompa-loom-

6 December 6, 2012 www.alamedasun.com Alameda Sun Alameda Sun www.alamedasun.com December 6, 2012 7

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Sneak Peek at Holiday Season Events

Lhadze Bosijevac

A pair of boats all dressed up for the holidays glide past the Oakland skyline in the rain during last Saturday’s Lighted Yacht Parade on the Oakland Estuary.

Lighting up a Rainy Night

Oompa-Loompa Strike Ends, Christmas Saved

pas instead be allowed to leave Christmas gifts at homes with “ d e s i g n a t e d safe entry-ways,” such as front doors and gates.

Zontar proposed that persons desiring gift delivery from Santa and his oompa-loompas would mark these safe entryways by posting pictures of oompa-loompa look-alike, androgynous celebrities, such as Whoopi Goldberg or Steven Tyler, near the entry points.

Initially, Hohoho manager Scroogeman called the BEOLMPF’s request “An outrageous rejec-tion of tradition, and an insult-ing, injurious blow to the spirit of Christmas and to the legacy of Santa.” Scroogeman’s remarks trig-gered the strike.

Scroogeman then said: “If this ill-advised strike continues, I will petition the bankruptcy court to allow a total liquidation of Santa’s Workshop and its assets, to protect the interests of Hohoho’s inves-tors.”

Had Scroogeman carried out his threat, more than 20,000 BEOLMPF members would have joined the ranks of the jobless. Union spokes-being Zontar stated that had the workshop closed, he and thou-sands of other elves and oompa- loompas would have been forced to find work as infant-wear models, jockeys, bouncy-house testers or tricycle repairmen — fields with notoriously low employment rates. “We needed a Christmas miracle,” he said.

H o w e v e r, one of H o h o h o ’ s investors; a b i l l i o n a i r e t e l e v a n g e -list, advised Scroogeman and Hohoho’s attorneys that

Christmas isn’t just about greed, money, materialism and profit.

The evangelist told Scroogeman that empathy, compassion, charity, kindness and service to others are the true ideals of Christmas.

Zontar and the BEOLMPF mem-bers received their miracle when one of Hohoho’s investors, a well-known music producer, offered his cadre of aspiring singers as gift delivery substitutes for the oompa-loompas.

The singers would not only deliver gifts, but would serenade recipients with modern, popu-lar tunes; like “Hey Mickey,” the “Wannabe Song,” “I Want Candy” and “My Humps.”

Upon receiving the investor’s proposal, Scroogeman immediately agreed to the BEOLMPF’s demands, ending the strike.

When asked about Scroogeman and Hohoho’s sudden policy rever-sal, Hohoho’s attorneys issued the following statement:

“We at Hohoho LLC recognize that Christmas is about peace and goodwill toward men, not aural tor-ture.

“Therefore, we wish Santa and his elves and oompa-loom-pas well! Hohoho.LLC says Merry Christmas!”

Got Whoopi on my door at satsfats510@mailstation.com.

“We at Hohoho, LLC recognize that Christmas is about peace and goodwill toward men, not aural torture.”

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Sun Staff ReportsEach year on the first Saturday

in December, the Encinal Yacht Club and the Oakland Yacht Club kick off the holiday season by hosting the Lighted Yacht Parade. Bay Area boat owners share in the holiday spirit by decorating their boats and participating in the parade along the Oakland Estuary.

Last Saturday, spectators braved the rain along the waterfront or

sat high and dry at restaurants to watch the boats go by.

The Lighted Yacht Parade part-ners with the Oakland Firefighters Random Acts and the Alameda County Community Food Bank. Sponsors like Alameda’s Bladium, Marina Village Yacht Harbor and Rosenblum Cellars and Winery ensure that organizers can make an even greater contribution to the charities.

Boundless, owned by Cliff and Anna Kramer, took home this year’s grand prize.

Scott and Liz Harrison’s Sunday Diver won first place in the power division.

Peter Hayel took home the top prize in the sailboat division aboard Pegasus; and Kelpies Row Inc.’s Carl Larkin came in first among the boats in the “other vessels” divi-sion.

Rabbi Barnett J. Brickner This Saturday night, Dec. 8,

Jewish communities all over the world will be lighting the first of eight candles, as we begin to cel-ebrate the festival of Chanukah.

I love Chanukah. It’s one of few times during the year I can jus-tify eating fried foods, saying: “It’s for religious reasons.” It’s one of the better-known Jewish holidays, even though it’s a minor holiday on the Jewish calendar. There are various reasons for its rise in popu-larity in the nineteenth century, but the biggest one is that during Chanukah we (children especially) look forward to getting presents — a custom that we adopted watching our Christian friends and neighbors celebrating Christmas.

But Chanukah is about more than presents. It has both histori-cal and spiritual significance in Judaism. Historically, Chanukah, which means “dedication,” is the Jewish festival in which Jews commemorate the victory of the Maccabees over the army of the Syria in 165 B.C.E. and the sub-sequent liberation and “rededica-tion” of the temple in Jerusalem. Spiritually, Chanukah is the cel-ebration of a miracle because, according the Chanukah story, when the Maccabees liberated the temple they immediately wanted to rekindle the eternal light in the sanctuary and found enough oil to last only one day.

But, miraculously, the oil lasted eight days, which was just enough

time for them make more oil. This miracle is reenacted each year dur-ing Chanukah by the adding of a candle to the menorah (the eight stemmed candelabrum) that we light each of the eight nights of the festival. This is the reason why Chanukah is also known as the Festival of Lights.

Another explanation for increasing the light each night dur-ing Chanukah suggests that in the time these traditions were being established, and people depended on fire and light to keep them warm and secure, they realized that at this time of year darkness dominates the day, and it seemed as if the daylight would never return.

The First Night of Chanukah

CHANUKAH: Page 14

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