IF MOTORBIKES TOOK DRUGS

If motorbikes took drugs, Harley-Davidson would beef up on steroidsIf cars drank liqueurs, Celica would slake on Bailey’s Irish CreamIf fridges turned musos,

they’d perform the Humming Chorus from Madama ButterflyIf beds wrote their memoirs, Capt’n Snooze would be a wet blanketIf closets came out to visit a psychoanalyst,

they’d bitch about desertion by young gays

If clouds wore raincloaks, every cloak would have a silver liningIf mountains moved, Buffalo would stampede from the ChaletIf lakes meditated, Pedder would change its name to WoebegoneIf rain forests could read, Daintry would turn a blind eye to pulp fictionIf rainbows fell out of love, they’d build a bridge of sighs

If fur seals formed clubs, they’d bash the living daylights out of fishermenIf pigs flew, who’d snuffle for truffles?If chickens could swim, they’d wallow in the blood of factory farmersIf monkeys became medicos,

chimpanzees would research research scientistsIf rats smoked, they’d die

If treasurers were touched by ST,they’d make their balance sheets more healthy

If police knocked bribery and corruption on the head,they’d be charged with a capital offence

If estate agents were for real, they’d admit to a shingle shortIf white-collar crims were castrated, they’d be laundered squeaky cleanIf rock stars played silent radio, they’d stop shaking the air waves

If poets stumbled upon a bed of diamonds, they’d freeze

Michael Small January, 1991

published Centoria, no.6, April, 1999