a brief conversation with my hair

8/13/2019 A Brief Conversation With My Hair

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A BRIEF CONVERSATION WITH MY HAIR

By Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Smash!rds Edi"i!n

C!#yri$h" %&&' Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Smash!rds Edi"i!n( )i*ense N!"es

Than+ y!u ,!r d!nl!adin$ "his ,ree eb!!+ Y!u are el*!me "!share i" i"h y!ur ,riends This b!!+ may be re#r!du*ed( *!#iedand dis"ribu"ed ,!r n!n-*!mmer*ial #ur#!ses( #r!.ided "he b!!+remains in i"s *!m#le"e !ri$inal ,!rm I, y!u en/!yed "his b!!+(#lease re"urn "! Smash!rds*!m "! dis*!.er !"her !r+s by"his au"h!r Than+ y!u ,!r y!ur su##!r"

In "his b!!+0

H! "! Ma+e Y!ur On 1r!.erbsA )i,e Re.ieed0 A C!lle*"i!n !, Blurbs)i.in$ "he Ameri*an 2reamWal" Whi"man3s 4uide "! C!!+in$ ,!r Ba*hel!rsSummer !, Sam I Am

Rand!m 5u!"es ,r!m "he Cereal M!ns"ersH! are Y!u 2!in$62iary !, a 4r!*ery Car"The Musi* Mash-u# 1hen!men!n E7#andsHills )i+e S"u,,ed Ti$ers0 Cal.in 2is*!.ers Hemin$ay1aren"s as a Nar*!"i*The Se*re"s !, 1aren"in$ Tha" N! One Will Tell Y!uFu"ure Br!aday Hi"s8I S!und My Chl!r!#hyll Ya#9

Mas"ers !, My 2!main0 My Vi*es as Chara*"ers ,r!m Sein,eldIn"r!du*in$0 Baby Tal+H! "! Fri$h"en "he 4rim Rea#er1ay "he Ren"0 A S!l! 1lay E7#l!rin$ 4ender 1!li"i*s


2/76

Su$ar and 2em!ns0 A S*ien"is"3s Field N!"esThe Absen" Adul"s !, Childh!!d Fa.!ri"es S#ea+S!me Su$$es"i!ns ,!r "he Ne7" Film in R!mer!3s :!mbie SeriesAn In"er.ie i"h Old Man Ne7" YearThe Calls !, C"huluHierar*hy !, Needs ,!r 1aren"sA Brie, C!n.ersa"i!n i"h My HairCl!uds0 Im#!r"an";4il$amesh Res#!nds "! Ad.er"isin$s Bi$$es" 5ues"i!nsFerris Bueller Fills in ,!r "he NY Times Ma$an! I )earned ,r!m >inder$ar"en C!#The 4ummy Bear Sur.i.al 4uideI, Allen 4insber$ Had Wri""en 1ay-1er-Cli*+ AdsHa##y Bir"hday ,r!m "he Fu"ureThe C!y!"esS! N! Y!u3re a Thera#is"I Am 4lad My Childh!!d 2reams 2id N!" C!me True

2i!nysus0 1ar"y Cl!nThere Mus" Be Fi,"y Ways "! Hea.e Y!ur Br!"herIn"er.ie i"h a Bu"ler

How to Make Your Own Proverbs

Sure( e.ery!ne l!.es #r!.erbs I, y!u $! "! any b!!+s"!re y!u

*an easily ,ind many b!!+s i"h #r!.erbs "ha" *an hel# y!u learnli,e less!ns and $e" y!u "hr!u$h "!u$h "imes Wha" is a #r!.erb(y!u as+6 Well( e.en #r!.erb s*h!lars are l!a"hed "! admi" "ha""here is li""le *!nsensus ab!u" "he de,ini"i!n !, a #r!.erb

Where there is a will, there is a way

This is an easily iden"i,iable #r!.erb

Wheres the beef?

This is *learly n!" a #r!.erb 1r!.erbs are di,,eren" "han *li*h?s(ma7ims and sl!$ans In "he end( "he de,ini"i!n !, a #r!.erb is


3/76

usually summed u# as a sh!r" s"a"emen" "ha" *!n"ains s!me#ie*e !, isd!m( "ru"h !r less!n

Bu" did y!u +n! y!u *!uld ma+e y!ur !n #r!.erbs6 A*"uallyi"@s =ui"e easy I@ll sh! y!u h!

Firs"( le"@s "ry "! ma+e a #r!.erb !u" !, a #r!blem [email protected] learned"! !.er*!me Can y!u "hin+ !, !ne6 N! "a+e ha" [email protected] and s"a"e i" in a *!l!r,ul( illus"ra"i.e ay Remember n!""! ma+e i" "!! l!n$ I ha.e a less!n I learned and here is "he#r!.erb I *rea"ed !u" !, i"0

Remember to read the labels on clothing. It is the only voicethey have to keep from shrinking or bleeding.

H! did y!u d!6 4!!d; Ne7"( le"@s "a+e s!me"hin$ "ha" y!u!rry ab!u" and *rea"e a #r!.erb "ha" ill hel# y!u "! !.er*!mei" )e" me hel# I ha.e a !rry "ha" I am sure e.ery!ne has I$e" embarrassed hen #e!#le !n "he ma$a


4/76

%ll door locks sho$ld be checked each night in case theirinsidio$s la!y ways make them let go and then &$st abo$tanyone can walk in to sit on yo$r comfortable co$ch.

See h! #r!.erbs *an be hel#,ul in y!ur li,e And( i"@s n!" /us" "!hel# y!u i"h y!ur #es+y li""le !rries N!( y!u *an use #r!.erbs"! "ea*h ,u"ure $enera"i!ns s! "hey *an learn "he "hin$s y!ulearned =ui*+er "han i" "!!+ y!u "! learn "hem Bu"( I m!s"ly use"hem "! +ee# my head !n s"rai$h"0

#he cat is, in fact, a cat.

N!" "ha" I $e" "ha" !ne *!n,used "!! !,"en( m!s"ly Wha" ab!u"0

'ad checks do not ring yo$r doorbell at ( %.). and then hide inthe b$shes " they come in nice white envelopes from thefriendly bank.

And( my *urren" ,a.!ri"e hi*h my ,riend( 2a.e( is ha.in$ #rin"edu# !n s!me bum#er s"i*+ers s! I *an sell "hem a" "he ba


5/76

8A *r!ss be"een Ameri*a@s Funnies" Vide!s B!b Sa$e" and asli$h"ly melan*h!li* Friend@s 2a.id S*himmer This is n! merehy#erb!le9 -ntertainment Weekly

8A s"ran$e( #er#le7in$ and( a" "imes( inde*i#herable li,e9 lark/erpot, #he hristian +cience )onitor

8Bradbury-Carlin@s "ra$i*!mi* li,e - a ,an"asia !, bad "ele.isi!nsh!s and bi


6/76

lim!usines( dr!.e al!n$ "he shu"d!n hi$hay I a.ed madlya" e.ery *ar I "hin+ I sa a bulb!us head-li+e !b/e*" and ei"her ab!bbin$ s"i*+ !r hand a.in$ "hr!u$h !ne *ar@s "in"ed $lass

/arth 6ader5I as "el.e hen S"ar Wars *ame !u" My m!"her read "ha"2ar"h Vader as *!min$ "! a nearby T!ys R s I had "! mee""he 2ar+ )!rd !, Si"h We ere ,!r*ed "! buy a Time7 S"ar Warsa"*h and ai" "hree h!urs "! mee" him I as( h!e.er(disa##!in"ed hen I reali


7/76

$rt 6onneg$t0>ur" V!nne$u" *han$ed my li,e as ri"er A,"er *!lle$e( I ass"ru$$lin$ "! ri"e li+e )aren*e and Hemin$ay( all "! n! a.ailhile endin$ u# i"h "he !rs" *ase !, ri"er@s bl!*+ Bu" a,"erreadin$ e.ery !rd "ha" Mr V!nne$u" r!"e( I reali


8/76

Creamy and deli*i!us B!il #as"a un"il #re,erred *!nsis"en*y2rain Mi7 in *heesy #a*+e"& minu"esD

hiliS"ra##in$ and r!bus" The y!un$ sea"y rail !r+er !, mealsS#i*y; Hear"y; C!nsume and ,eel "he s#iri" !, y!ur li,e bl!!d"hrum hea.ily in y!ur *hes" Sau"e )B !, hambur$er Mi7 indrained *an !, +idney beans( s"eed "!ma"!es Add "bl !, *hili#!der C!!+ a" medium un"il d!ne & minu"esD

9amb$rgerAmeri*a; Y!ur sim#le $l!ries hailed in "his #r!,!und "as"y

Maidens; 1a"ri!"s; )!s" shi#yard !r+ers; Whea" $a"herers;Th!se h! a,,i7 "h!se #las"i* "hin$s !n "he ends !, sh!ela*es;This is Ameri*a@s ,!!d As .as" and mi$h"y as "he 4rea" 1lainsHe,"y and ,illin$ li+e "he R!*+ies Ma+e bur$er in "! #a""ies4rill "! "as"e 1la*e !n bun T!# i"h ,a.!ri"e *!ndimen" Jminu"esD

3rench 'read 2i!!aSalu"e "he !rld; Mysel, - Wal" Whi"man - l!.er and embra*er

Min$ler i"h #e!#le !, !"her na"i!ns( s!und my barbari* ya#ab!u" "his #leasin$ ,!rei$n dish O ama


9/76

Yes( i" as a l!n$( h!" summer - s"eamy( ,e"id and humid I" as"he +ind !, hea" I e7#erien*ed !u" in "he sam#land !, Fl!rida asa *hild Hea" "ha" ri$$les i"s sea"y ,in$ers in"! y!ur brain and*han$es y!ur #er*e#"i!n( *auses y!u "! see "hin$s "ha" aren@""here( li+e "ha" shimmerin$ b!dy !, a"er $lis"enin$ see"ly !n"he mid-summer h!ri

I as alays #!li"e I !nly as+ed ea*h !, "hem "! "ry a "as"e Ali""le "as"e Sure( i" did n!" l!!+ as a##e"i


10/76

Rando *uotes on %ae and +ostalgiafro the Cereal Monsters

3rankenberry58We ere #re""y ,!r"una"e Three ,airly un"alen"edm!ns"ers $i.en "he $!lden "hr!ne !, *ereal i*!n and "hen lu*+yen!u$h "! las" as l!n$ as e ha.e9

o$nt hoc$la58I@m n!" "ryin$ "! s!und #aran!id( bu" i" as li+e"he !rld as *!m#!sed !, milli!ns !, mirr!rs E.eryhereKe.eryhere y!u@d "urn( "here y!u ere TV@s( #!s"ers( *erealaisles S!me"imes i" ,el" $rea"( bu" "ha" s"u,, *an als! s*re i"hy!ur head9

'oo"'erry58O+ay( Fran+enberryKFran+ens"ein C!un"Ch!*ulaKC!un" 2ra*ula B!!-Berryha"6 There are n!,am!us $h!s"s( e7*e#" maybe Cas#er( and he@s m!re im#y"han s*ary S! h! am I based !n6 They $a.e me 1e"er )!rre@s.!i*e and "he s"yle !, a drun+en 2ean Mar"in0 a bleary-eyed(laid-ba*+ $h!s" W!!!; Fri$h"enin$9

o$nt hoc$la58I" as li+e bein$ a #ie*e !, ,ilm s"u*+ in a

#r!/e*"!r held in "he *!ns*i!usness !, Ameri*a s"arin$ un"il i"seared and burned 1aran!id has $!" n!"hin$ "! d! i"h i"9

'oo"'erry58The *urren" !rld !, *ereal *hara*"ers is buil" !n "hebr!+en ba*+s !, "h!se *hara*"ers h! burned !u" !r s!ld-!u"The "hree !, us l!s" Yummy Mummy and Frui" Bru"e sh!r"-li.edand ,!r$!""en n! Wha" e.er ha##ened "! "he Frea+ies( 5uis#!r "he Cali,!rnia Raisins6 And( Ca#@n Crun*h6 He@s "urned his#re.i!usly red Crun*hberries in"! mul"i-*!l!red "rash Wha"@s u#i"h "ha"6 I"s@ li+e "urnin$ a 'L& *!n.er"ible Mus"an$ in"! an

SV9

3rankenberry58Thin$s are di,,eren" n! N! m!re s#!"li$h" !rTV *ameras I d!n@" $e" ,l!!ds !, ,an mail anym!re I li+e myli,e( "h!u$h There are a ,e in"erne" ,an-si"es !u" "here Bu"(!"herise( "hin$s are =uie" I *an $! "! "he $ym and ,eelan!nym!us s!me"hin$ I "reasure "hese days9

o$nt hoc$la58N!s"al$ia@s ha"@s +e#" me l!*+ed u# in "his

h!use ,!r s! many years I"s@ all ab!u" a##earan*es 1e!#le*!me u# "! y!u !n "he s"ree"s ready "! "hr! adula"i!n a" y!uThen "hey see y!ur #!"-belly( rin+lin$ s+inK and "hey ba*+aay sl!ly9


11/76

'oo"'erry5 8N!s"al$ia is s!me!ne else@s #!is!n( man I a.!id i"li+e "he #la$ue9

3rankenberry58N!s"al$ia6 Well( in reali"y( "hin$s *han$e1e!#le *han$e I"@s li+e "ha" sayin$ 8y!u *an ne.er $! h!me9F!rms !, n!s"al$ia are ,i7ed in "ime And( li+e *er"ain smells "ha"*!n/ure u# #ar"i*ular mem!ries #ie*es !, n!s"al$ia brin$ usba*+ "! idylli* "imes S!me #e!#le l!!+ a" me and "hey *an $!h!me( ba*+ "! Sa"urday m!rnin$s a"*hin$ *ar"!!ns i"h a b!l!, su$ary *ereal ,l!a"in$ in #in+ mil+ !n "heir la#9

1ublished !n 3acsimilationebsi"e %&&D

How Are You !oing,

% 'it #oo /irectA,ul( "! be h!nes" A*"ually( "! be *!m#le"ely h!nes" -e.ery"hin$ #re""y mu*h su*+s "! hell My i,e@s *hea"in$ !n me(y!u +n! A" leas" i" seems li+e e.ery!ne +ne e7*e#" ,!r meS! e.ery"hin$ is #u"rid N!( y!u +n! ha" i"@s li+e( h! I@mreally d!in$6 Well( i"@s +ind !, li+e ha.in$ a "iny s#lin"er undery!ur ,in$ernail The +ind "ha" y!u *an@" di$ !u" i"h!u" drain$bl!!d And( n! ma""er ha" y!u d!( y!u +ee# bum#in$ "ha",in$er a$ains" e.ery"hin$ Tha"@s ha" i"s li+e - ell( add ,eelin$*!ns"an"ly nause!us( yeah - add "ha" and y!u@re #re""y *l!se

#hinly 6eiledOh( $rea"; Fine( ,ine - "h!u$h I l!s" my /!b las" ee+ a,"er my+ey br!+e !,, in "he i$ni"i!n a$ain and I as la"e ,!r !r+ ,!r "he"hird "ime Ha( ha - y!u +n! - 8!ne "!! many - y!u@re ,ired9 Bu"!"herise e.ery"hin$ is .ery $!!d E7*e#" I "hin+ I ha.e "ha" *!ld"ha"@s $!in$ ar!und Y!u +n!( "he !ne "ha" s"ar"s !u" as "hesni,,les and "hen +ee#s y!u in bed ,!r a ee+ i"h a ra(#hle$my( *!u$h Ahem - bu" "hin$s are $!in$ #re""y ell And(

y!u6

#oo )any +elf"9elp 'ooks


12/76

O+ay( le" me see =uie"ly "! sel,D be dire*"( h!nes" and remember"! n!" ramble )!uderD I am d!in$ !+ay T!day( I am $!in$ "!"he #!s" !,,i*e T!day( I am $!in$ "! mail a le""er "! my e7-l!.er"! ma+e amends ,!r si""in$ !n her #e" ,erre" ,i.e years a$!5uie"ly "! sel,D he( $!!d /!b Remember y!u are a l!.ely#ers!n Feel $!!d

#oo +trange2!in$6 2!in$6 Well( I@ll "ell y!u ab!u" d!in$( d!in$ is ha"d!in$ d!es T!! mu*h !r+ ma+es Fran*is a dull b!y 2!in$(d!in$( d!in$ - I *an@" alays be d!in$ Wha" ab!u" d!n@"in$(huh6 2!n@"( d!n@"( d!n@" - "ha"@s m!re li+e i" Tha"@s ha" "hey

say - d!( d!( d! - da( da( da Hey( here are y!u $!in$6

lose b$t o igarI@m d!in$ $rea" S"ar"ed a ne /!b( hi*h is alays a bi"s"ress,ul And( I@m in a ne rela"i!nshi# I li+e her a l!" H!ab!u" y!u6 Wh!a; Che*+ !u" "he le$s !n "he bl!nde !.er "hereHEY HONEY; YO@RE >I))IN4 ME WITH THOSE )E4S;

'ack %way +lowly

Tha"@s i"; E.ery!ne +ee#s as+in$ h! I@m d!in$ Is "his s!me"y#e !, *!ns#ira*y - 8hey e.ery!ne( be sure "! as+ Al,red h!he@s d!in$ be*ause( y!u +n!( s!me"hin$@s r!n$96 Wha"@sr!n$ i"h me "ha" I d!n@" +n!6 Is i" my hair6 The *!l!r !, myne l!a,ers6 2! y!u +n! s!me"hin$ ab!u" my e7-i,e6 I@m"ellin$ y!u - i"s ,eelin$ a bi" ,rea+y Ei"her "ell me ha"@s r!n$n!( !r lay !,, - and "ell y!ur li""le *abal "! lay !,,( "!! Why arey!u s"arin$ a" me6

1ublished !n :ber.n$ ebsi"e %&&D

!iar$ of A (rocer$ Cart

)ay ;;5 Oh( I am shinin$ I am $lis"enin$ i"h h!#e Here I am

in "he "ra*"!r-"railer i"h all !, my shinin$( $lis"enin$ *!mradesma+in$ !ur ay "! a 1i$$ly Wi$$ly in 1en!#sha( Indiana A,"erall !, my "ime dreamin$ ab!u" "his day( i" has ,inally *!me I am$!in$ "! be !, ser.i*e "! "he *!mm!n man I ill heel !.er


13/76

as#hal" and "ile "! *arry his !r her burdens( hel# ,amilies #r!.idesus"enan*e( "! be an in"e$ral #ar" !, "he Ca#i"alis" sys"em - I am"he ,u"ure !, $r!*ery "rans#!r"a"i!n de.i*es N! hi$her *allin$*!uld I "hin+ !,

)ay ;(0 I "h!u$h" "ha" bein$ a" "he end !, "he "ru*+ mean" I!uld be !ne !, "he ,irs" ,resh *ar"s ,!r *us"!mers "! ma+e use!, Ins"ead( "hey "!!+ us !,, !ne by !ne( and I as /ammed dee#in"! "he ,ar re*esses !, Ba*+u# Car" S"!ra$e Area %A in "he#las"i*-*!.ered( dir"-,l!!red side l!" !, "he s"!re I am n!"dis*!ura$ed( "h!u$h This is $i.in$ me am#le !##!r"uni"y "!drin+ in all as#e*"s !, my ne li,e Sure( I share my s#a*e i"h

"he !.er-ri#e ,rui" dis#!sal *!n"ainer Bu"( h! said "he li,e !, ahard-!r+in$ $r!*ery *ar" !uld be all s!," l!a.es !,W!nderbread and bri$h" ba$s !, Chee"!s I ,eel lu*+y "! ha.e"his "ime "! a"*h "he .eri"able balle" !, ,rui",lies dan*in$ ar!undme I ill be #a"ien" My day ill *!me

)ay


14/76

"! assis" a ,amily !, si7 As "hey l!aded me u# i"h Tan$ andbu""ers*!"*h #uddin$( I b!##ed al!n$ i"h "he mu


15/76

+eptember @5I@m s"ill "ra##ed in "his .is*!us sam# Bu"( I*!n"inue "! #ray ,!r "he bes" I" is di,,i*ul" I ,ear I may be "!! ,ar,r!m "he s"!re "! ,ind my ay ba*+ al!ne A" ni$h"( I ha.e ,e.er-dreams !, ,amilies in "he s"!re /u$$lin$ #r!du*e and mea"s in"heir arms( en"ire r!unds !, *heese( sausa$e lin+s( and *elerys"al+s *rashin$ "! "he ,l!!r in a dir"y and dis"as"e,ul ,l!!r salad I*!uld be "here ri$h" n! I *!uld be hel#in$ "hem

+eptember >5I am $uessin$( a" "his #!in"( "ha" "he Car"Or$aniillA#!*aly#se Same "ime( Ne7" YearThe C!!+( "he Thie,( His Wi,e( GF>The 2ay "he Ear"h Sh!" )iber"y Valan*eWh!@s A,raid !, G!hn Mal+!.i*h6

Wha"@s Ea"in$ 2r :hi.a$!6Ci"iane %0 Ele*"ri* B!!$al!!S!me )i+e i" 1sy*h!Hedi$ and All "he 1residen"@s Men


16/76

2an*es i"h 4!!niesMy 2inner i"h 4andhi

1ublished !n 1pi$m )aga!ineebsi"e %&&D

Hills Like #tuffed "igers:Calvin !iscovers Heingwa$

I am !n "he hun" My hands ,eel $ri""y a$ains" "he s"!*+ !, myri,le Sea" and dir" ha.e "i$h"ened my $ri# I "urn "! my,ai"h,ul ,riend( H!bbes

82! y!u ha.e "he s*en" !, "he #rey69

8Wha" #rey69

8An an"el!#e A bu*+( I@d #re,er I "hin+ e sh!uld *limb "ha" hillWe *an se""le in a b!er and ai"( /us" as e did "ha" "ime in "heSan$re de Cris"! M!un"ains9

8Sure( ha" e.er y!u an" "! d! Cal.in Bu" d!n@" y!u "hin+ "ha"y!ur dad ill be u#se" i"h y!ur "a+in$ his $un69

8I "hin+( bein$ a $!!d man( he@d "ell me n!" "! re"urn i"h!u"bl!!d !n my hands9

8Tha" s!unds +ind !, yu*+y "! me9

8Y!u !uldn@" unders"and9

And e ere !,,

I "h!u$h" ab!u" Mar$are"( ba*+ a" h!me Her !nderin$ i, I!uld re"urn She as alays "!! *!n*erned She didn@"unders"and my need "! hun" She unders"!!d li""le Ye"( I did

,eel a bi" !, l!.e ,!r her En!u$h( i" seemed

8Wha" d! y!u "hin+ i" means "! be a man( H!bbes69


17/76

8I !uldn@" +n!( I@m a "i$er9

8I" is m!men"s li+e "his( "ha" I +n! I *an "es" mysel, - see ha"se#ara"es "he b!y ,r!m "he man9

8Y!u eren@" mu*h !, man las" ni$h" hen y!u e" "he bed9

8Is i" "he li$h" brea+in$ "hr!u$h "he "rees hile I #er*h behind ar!*+( ready "! sh!!"6 Or is i" "he s!und !, s+innin$ y!ur dinner -,reshly +illed6

8Or is i" "he s!und !, y!ur dad *hein$ y!u !u"69

8When e $e" h!me( H!bbes( I !e y!u a drin+ - maybe m!re9

We se""led in behind a lar$e !a+ "ree We !uld ha.e "! ai"un"il dus+ ,!r "he h!" ,e"id sun "! se" Then( "he animals !ulda##ear l!!+in$ ,!r ,!!d and a"er

I *!nsidered my ,riendshi# i"h H!bbes An !dd "hin$( ha.in$*!n.ersa"i!ns i"h a s"u,,ed "i$er 1erha#s "his is n!" ha" a

man d!es I" is ha" a b!y d!es I eyed "he "al+in$ "i$ersus#i*i!usly 1ers#ira"i!n ran d!n "he ba*+ !, my ne*+

8H! l!n$ are e $!in$ "! si" here( Cal.in69 "he "i$er as+ed

8As l!n$ as needed9

8I "h!u$h" e ere $!in$ "! "a#e d!n all !, "he "!ile" sea"s a"h!me9

8Th!se are *hildren@s $ames( H!bbes I am !n "he .er$e !, n!l!n$er bein$ a *hild9

8T!! bad( s!unds li+e ,un9

A $r!u# !, y!un$ b!ys #layed ,!!"ball in a dis"an" yard4run"in$( r!llin$ ar!und in "he dir" I ,el" a dryness in my "hr!a""ha" *!uld !nly be =uen*hed by a s"i,, drin+ S!me"hin$ hard)i+e $ra#e >!!l-Aid

8Hey Cal.in( I +n! Why d!n@" e $rab "ha" ba$ !, ball!!ns y!ub!rr!ed ,r!m Mar$are"@s #ar"y( ,ill "hem i"h a"er and "hr!"hem a" her69


18/76

2!esn@" "his "i$er e.er s"!# his "al+in$6 H! *an I +ee# my head*lear i"h his in*essan" n!ise6 1erha#s( "his 8H!bbes9 asm!re !, a liabili"y "han I had #re.i!usly *!nsidered

1erha#s "his as "ha" m!men" hen I !uld "ruly be*!me aman

I $ri##ed "he s"!*+ !, my ri,le harder A h!" bree


19/76

Parents as a +arcotic

)as" ee+end( Canda*e( Will and I .isi"ed my m!"her And( hileI as "here( I reali


20/76

The m!re I "hin+ ab!u" i"( "he m!re "his ma+es s!me +ind !,i*+ed sense All !, my !lder ,riends h! su,,er ,r!m ins!mniaei"her d!n@" ha.e *hildren !r "heir *hildren ha.e $r!n u# andm!.ed !n 1erha#s "he seda"i.e-e,,e*" !nly !**urs hile y!u area*"ually #aren"in$

Y!u +n!( I *!uld ren" !u" #aren"s "! ins!mnia*s I *!uld se" u#slee# *lini*s here "h!se h! su,,er ,r!m slee# dis!rders areadminis"ered "hree !r ,!ur #aren"s a ni$h" un"il "hey *an re"urn "!res",ul ni$h"s !, slee# Or I *!uld e.en *rea"e a 1aren" Channel"ha" ,ea"ures a line !, #aren"s /um#in$ !.er a ,en*e li+e shee# "!hel# "h!se h! need a li""le assis"an*e "! dri," !,, Yeah( "ha"@s i"

Besides( h! li+es arm mil+ anyay

1ublished !n #he +cience reative A$arterlyebsi"e %&&JD

"he #ecrets of Parenting"hat +o One &ill "ell You

1aren"in$ *an be .ery di,,i*ul" And hen y!u be*!me a ne#aren"( #e!#le ill $i.e y!u hundreds and hundreds !, b!!+sab!u" h! "! be a $!!d #aren" Bu" ha" "hey d!n@" "ell y!u is"ha" "here are se*re"s "! #aren"in$ "ha" y!u ill n!" ,ind in anyb!!+( e.en !ne ,r!m a b!!+s"!re These se*re"s ha.e beenhanded d!n $enera"i!n "! $enera"i!n( #aren" "! #aren" ,!re!ns I learned "hem ,r!m my m!"her and she learned "hem

,r!m her ,a"her( h! learned "hem ,r!m his 4rea" Aun" )arryAnd s! !n and s! !n Well( "!day( I !uld li+e "! re.eal /us"s!me !, "hese se*re"s ab!u" #aren"in$

The ,irs" se*re" "ha" n! !ne "al+s ab!u" is =ui"e sim#le0 babiesare ama


21/76

N!( a *!mm!n e7#erien*e "ha" many #aren"s !,"en ha.e is "heirbabies and *hildren in"erru#"in$ "heir se7-li,e In ,a*"( y!ur baby*an be s!und aslee# and i, y!u and y!ur s#!use ma+e any +ind!, #hysi*al *!n"a*" "hey ill a+e u# *ryin$ This is be*ause !, asmall #her!m!ne-sensin$ !r$an buried dee# in "heir n!s"rilsBu" d!n@" $! l!!+in$ ,!r i" Babies d!n@" li+e y!u "!u*hin$ "heirn!ses( and besides "he !r$an disa##ears hen y!u l!!+ a" i"

4rea" Are y!u s"ill i"h me6 One "hin$ "ha" many #e!#le d!n@"+n! is *hildren are =ui"e "hri,"y Gus" #u" d!n an !ld ba""eredb!7 and a mul"i-*!l!red all-"he-bells-and-his"les Fisher 1ri*e"!y and see ha" he !r she $!es ,!r They +n! h! y!u s#end

y!ur hard-earned m!ney and are "ryin$ "! "ea*h y!u "ha" i" isbe""er "! sa.e - es#e*ially ,!r "heir edu*a"i!n( !r ,!r "he hu$e*redi" *ard bill "ha" "hey are ra*+in$ u# by !rderin$ all !, "h!se#airs !, lime-$reen ,lee*e #an"s "ha" y!u are #re""y sure y!uy!ursel, didn@" !rder( "h!u$h "hin$s ere a li""le ,u


22/76

Finally( i" is im#!r"an" "! +n! "ha" Children *!mmuni*a"e"ele#a"hi*ally I, y!u e.er n!"i*e "hem s"arin$ !,, in"! "hedis"an*e( i" is be*ause a ne si$nal is *!min$ in I "hin+ "his isbe*ause "hey are se*re"ly #lannin$ "he d!mina"i!n !, mu*h !,"he Ear"h@s res!ur*es( es#e*ially ,!r s!me !dd reas!n( *!al

Ei"her "ha" !r "hey are sendin$ u#da"es ab!u" baseball s*!res

4!!d lu*+( ne #aren"s;


%uture Broadwa$ Hits2now that #/aalot is /o/ularwith straight ales age 34-567

2ial B F!r BeerA F!rd F-J& Named 2esireRamb! Fr!m Oni*+s Su*+( T!!4uys And 2!lls And T!m Clan*y@s S#lin"er Cell F!r b!7CSI0 The 4rea" Whi"e Way)ysis"ra"a S"arrin$ The W!men O, H!!"ersH! T! Su**eed In Business Wi"h!u" A*"ually 4!in$ T! W!r+Nyu*+( Nyu*+( Nyu*+ The Three S"!!$es Musi*al

1ublished !n :ber.n$ ebsi"e %&&JD

8) #ound M$ Chloro/h$ll Yaw/9:

One of &hitan's Leaves of (rass Res/onds

I" s"ar"ed i"h a *!r#ulen" $uy h! l!a,ed and l!!+ed ,!r my s!ul(*ralin$ !n s!," +nees sear*hin$ ,!r s"em and s"!ne(


23/76

bearded head li,"ed "!ard lea.es and bran*hes(l!!+in$ ,!r s!me"hin$ bey!nd #ulse in ,in$ers!r bey!nd *lu"*h !, "h!u$h"

Mysel, a s#ear !, $rass e7is"en*e *!m#rised !, a "iny !rldi"hin rea*h !, a small se*"i!n !, s!il(su##!sedly i"h all "he ansers "! bir"h( dea"h( reas!ns hy(*!nne*"i!ns "! nei$hb!rs( ali$nmen"s "! "he sun -all a" "he "i# !, my r!!"sKand #len"y !, "ime "! *!n"em#la"e

N!( dru$-"ri##ers and as+ers *!me "! mesee+in$ +n!led$e and res#!nses!n hea.en and hell( re*i#es !, heal"h and si*+ness(!n be$innin$s and endin$s I d! n!" "al+ !, "he be$innin$ !r "he end2!n@" y!u $e" i"6 I@m a blade !, $rass I d!n@" "al+"h!u$h( !b.i!usly and s"ran$ely( I *an ri"eDI"@s hard en!u$h see+in$ li$h"( a"er and !7y$en

Bu"( !, *!urse( y!u l!!+ "! meMen n!madi* by .ir"ue !, m!bili"y d!n@" #lan" r!!"sTh!se ,eelin$ u#-r!!"ed( r!!"less( n!" +n!in$ "heir h!me-s!il l!!+ "! "h!se h! ha.eAed by "he bread"h !, "he !rld i"s m!un"ains and ,!res"s( i"s !*eans and #lains(and "he uni.erse bey!nd "he $ras# !, y!ur small minds(alays l!!+in$ bey!nd( ,ur"her aay(

see+in$ and see+in$ and see+in$(ne.er s"!##in$ and s"ayin$(ai"in$ ,!r $rand *!lle*"i!ns !, n!"hin$"! a**umula"e in"! s!me"hin$

I@ll "ell y!u all "ha" I d! +n! -s"and s"ill l!n$ en!u$h(rea*h !u" "! "he !rld i"hin y!ur $ras#0"he ,irm $ri# !, "he dir" surr!undin$ y!ur r!!"s(

"he s*en" !, "he #un$en" !7y$en-,illed air y!u brea"h("he sensa"i!n !, "he $l!ri!us sun !n y!ur br!ad blade -e.ery"hin$ e.en"ually *!mes "! y!u


24/76

S!( i, y!u an" "! see+ me a$ain l!!+ in y!ur !n b!!" s!lesFailin$ "! ,ind me a" ,irs" l!!+ ,!r a ,riendMissin$ me !ne #la*e *all a "hera#is"(maybe y!u@ll ,ind y!ursel, s!mehere ai"in$ ,!r y!u

1ublished in 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e %&&JD

Masters of M$ !oain:M$ ices as Characters fro #einfeld

Chara*"ers0

2ride "Gerry-nvy "Elaine+loth "4e!r$e7l$ttony ">ramer

S*ene0 1ride@s a#ar"men" 1ride( En.y( and Sl!"h are s"andin$ar!und "he +i"*hen We *!me in "he middle !, a *!n.ersa"i!n

2ride5I *!uld $! i"h!u" i" ,!r a *!u#le !, ee+sKeasy

-nvy5N! ay Y!u !uldn@" las" ,!ur h!urs

+loth5I "hin+ I *!uld $! a l!n$ "ime i"h!u" i"Kusually I d!

The d!!r burs"s !#en and 4lu""!ny en"ers and "a+es a dee# b!a##lauseD

7l$ttony5Wha" are e "al+in$ ab!u"6

-nvy5 1ride and Sl!"h here "hin+ "hey *an $! ,!r ee+s i"h!u""em#"in$ Russell

7l$ttony5 Tha"@s easy I *!uld $! a m!n"h In ,a*"( he@s beens#endin$ a l!" !, "ime i"h me and *!uld use a brea+ All "ha"in"er-,a" is bul$in$ !.er his sh!r"s


25/76

-nvy54e" real; Y!u( es#e*ially y!u( *!uldn@" $! ,i.e minu"es

7l$ttony5 )e"@s #u" m!ney !n i"

+loth5I@m in

2ride5I@ll $! a$ains" my be""er /ud$men"( bu" !nly i, En.y d!ubles"he bes" "ime I"@s "!! easy "! $! i"h !u" ishin$ y!u ere Brad1i"" !r T!m Han+s ,!r a ,e ee+s

-nvy5 Y!u $!" i"

+loth5I"@s se" "hen

7l$ttony5 Oh yeah;; )au$h Tra*+D

-nvySmilesD0 I *an hi""le us d!n by !ne ri$h" n!

2ride5H!6

-nvy )!udlyD0 Sara )ee;; M!is" *a+e;; Ri*h ,r!s"in$;;

7l$ttony5Hey( =ui" i";

-nvy5H!s"ess Cu# Ca+es;; Ch!*!la"e *hi#s;;

7l$ttony5I@ll be ri$h" ba*+

4lu""!ny lea.es "he a#ar"men" slammin$ "he d!!r We hear "hed!!r a*r!ss "he hall slam The !"hers e7*han$e $lan*esSuddenly e hear "he d!!r a*r!ss "he hall slam a$ain And(

4lu""!ny re-en"ers He a##r!a*hes "he +i"*hen "able i"h*h!*!la"e ar!und his m!u"h and slams a P%& d!n

7l$ttony5Well( I@m !u"

2ride5Tha" as easy

En.y suddenly s"ares u#

-nvy54rea"( n! "ha" Russell@s s"!ma*h is ,ull( he $!in$ "! si"and a"*h a m!.ie There@s a Tr!y and Fi$h" Club d!uble,ea"ure !n She "!sses a P%& !n "he "ableD I@m $!in$ "! $!h!me and ,le7 in "he mirr!r( I $uess


26/76

+loth5Well( i" l!!+s li+e i"@s d!n "! "he "!h!ld !n( "he #h!ne@srin$in$ I"@s Tuesday( i"@s #r!bably his m!"her He@s su##!sed "!$! hel# his m!"her ,i7 her *!m#u"er "!ni$h"

2ride5This *!uld be "r!ubleK

+loth5 Hey( $e" u# and anser "he #h!ne( y!u bum; 4rea"( he@s"urned u# "he .!lume !n "he TV "! dr!n !u" "he #h!ne

2ride5Isn@" "ha" a yan6

+loth52!n@" d! i"( d!n@" d! i"K!h( !uldn@" y!u +n! i"( he@s,allen aslee# YO SHO)2N9T HAVE STAYE2 1 SO )ATE)AST NI4HT WATCHIN4 THAT BSOM B22IESMARATHON( YO I2IOT;; C!n$ra"ula"i!ns He "!sses a P%& a"1ride@s ,ee" and al+s !u" !, "he a#ar"men"D

2ride5E7*ellen"; I !n I am Numer! n!;

The d!!r burs"s !#en Sl!"h( 4lu""!ny( and En.y s"e# ba*+ in

and $rab ea*h !, "heir P%& !u" !, 1ride@s hand( "hen lea.e

As he is *l!sin$ "he d!!r behind him 4lu""!ny l!!+s a" 1ride

7l$ttony5Y!u le" i" $! "! y!ur head

2!!r shu"s

2ride"hr!u$h $ri""ed "ee"hD0 Russell;;

A##lause and *redi"s

1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e %&&JD

)ntroducing: Bab$ "alk

M!s" #aren"s are an7i!us "! +n! "he meanin$ !, "he .ari!us*ries( $r!ans( and s!unds "heir *hild ma+es Re*en"ly a S#anish


27/76

ele*"r!ni* en$ineer named 1edr! M!na$as *rea"ed a ba""ery-#!ered de.i*e *alled 8Why Cry9 This ins"rumen" ab!u" "hesi


28/76

#weeemm5I, y!u as+ me "! $i.e 8+isses9 a$ain( I@ll $i.e y!u a bi$+iss( all ri$h"( bus"er

Rrrrrrrrrr5I" !uld be aes!me i, y!u !uld le" me si" in "he *aral!ne( s"ar" i" u#( and le" i" r!ll d!n "he hill

/dd"ddd"ddd5 Where is "ha" really *u"e $irl-baby "ha" *ame byyes"erday6 I@d really li+e "! see her a$ain( le" her yan+ "!ys !u"!, my hand( and ma+e me *ry R!r;

Whaaap5The 8Baby Tal+9 ma*hine is ama


29/76

O,,er him a ,rui" sm!!"hie i"h hea" $erm The 4rim Rea#er isdea"hly aller$i* "! hea" $erm

Men"i!n Blue Oys"er Cul"

Ta+e !u" y!ur !ld #las"i* "!y li$h"-saber ,r!m "he'L&3s and hen"he Rea#er en"ers "he r!!m re*rea"e "he Obi-Wan2ar"h Vader,i$h" s*ene ,r!m S"ar Wars This !n3" ne*essarily ,ri$h"en him(bu" hen y!u ma+e "he ,a+e-ele*"ri*-s#ar+s-n!ise i"h y!urm!u"h as y!ur saber "!u*hes his s*y"he( i" ill "!"ally ,rea+ him!u"

O,,er him an an"i-de#ressan"

1ublished !n :ber.n$ebsi"e %&&JD

Pa$ "he Rent:A #olo Pla$ 01/loring (ender Politics

Chara*"ers0

E.il )andl!rdFemale Tenan"Male Her!S!*i!l!$y 1r!,ess!r i"h a *!n*en"ra"i!n in 4ender S"udies

S*ene0 n!ne( e7*e#" ,!r !ne #r!# - a sin$le #ie*e !, #a#er ,!ldedin"! an a**!rdi!n

En"er A*"!r 1i*+s u# #ie*e !, #a#er( h!lds i" in "he middle( and#la*es i" under his n!se - a mus"a*he He is n! "he e.illandl!rd

-vil Candlord5Y!u mus" #ay "he ren";

A*"!r n! #la*es "he #ie*e !, #a#er( s"ill h!ldin$ in middle( !n"!# !, his head - a b! He is n! "he ,emale "enan"

3emale #enant5 I *an@" #ay "he ren";


30/76

-vil Candlord5Y!u mus" #ay "he ren";

3emale #enant5I *an@" #ay "he ren";

A*"!r n! #la*e #ie*e !, #a#er in ,r!n" !, his *!llar - a b!-"ieHe is n! "he Male Her!

)ale 9ero5I@ll #ay "he ren";

3emale #enant5MyK

A*"!r n! #la*es "he #ie*e !, #a#er dia$!nally ,r!m his *hin - a$!a"ee He is n! "he S!*i!l!$y 1r!,ess!r i"h a *!n*en"ra"i!nin 4ender S"udies

+ociology 2rofessor5E7*use me( bu" aren@" y!u dra$$in$ !u" "hesame !ld mis!$ynis" a*" !, sa.in$ "he 8hel#less9 ,emale

)ale 9ero5Well( IKI@m n!"K

+ociology 2rofessor5 Why n!" "ry an!"her a##r!a*h6

)ale 9ero5O+ayKahemKI@ll #un*h "he E.il )andl!rd in "he,a*e;

+ociology 2rofessor5N!( n!( n! N! y!ur relyin$ !n "he !ldmale #aradi$m !, *!n,li*" res!lu"i!n - d!n@" ,all-ba*+ !n "he aysy!u ere s!*iali


31/76

+ociology 2rofessor5Cl!ser Bu" ha" ab!u" *!un"erin$ "heays in hi*h she as s!*iali


32/76

While *han$in$ my "hir"een m!n"h !ld s!n@s dia#er( he be$ins "!s#in ar!und and ar!und !n "he bed a" an e7"remely ,as" #a*eand $i$$les l!udly "! himsel,( li+e a madman This is n!" hisusual beha.i!r

I de*ided "! in.es"i$a"e

2ay %0A,"er s#endin$ all ni$h" brea+in$ d!n "he *ir*ums"an*es "ha"led "! my s!n@s bi


33/76

in*!heren" babble he is emi""in$ is )a"in s#!+en ba*+ards Iam n!" "!! *lear !n "his as I ,lun+ed !u" !, )a"in in hi$h s*h!!land "!!+ S#anish ins"ead

I de*ide "! "ry a li""le e7!r*ism and see ha" e,,e*" i" ill ha.e I$a"her a *r!ss "ha" my i,e +ee#s in her bedr!!m dresser( a*!#y !, "he Bible "ha" e use "! #r!# u# a ind!( and a $lass !,a"er "ha" I as drin+in$ I as+ Gesus "! bless i" and *!nsider i"h!ly a"er

I am ,!r*ed "! aband!n my e7#erimen" hen my i,e al+s inand as+s me ha" "he hell I am d!in$ She $rabs "he *r!ss ,r!m

my s!n@s ,!rehead( #i*+s u# "he #ie*es !, "he Bible "ha" he "!reu# and $rabs a "!el "! i#e u# "he h!ly a"er "ha" I #!ured !.erhim She men"i!ns my needin$ hel# I *!un"er i"h a *learar"i*ula"i!n !, "he #!ssibili"y !, dem!ni* #!ssessi!n I as+ her i,she is s#e*i,i*ally aare !, any silly dem!ns She al+s !u" i"h!ur s!n

I am disa##!in"ed as I as #re""y sure "ha" my s!n had be$un "!s#ea+ )a"in ,!rards as he ri##ed !u" #a$es !, "he Bible

2ay J0A,"er re"urnin$ ,r!m a *!u#le@s *!unselin$ sessi!n i"h my i,e( Iaband!n my ,irs" hy#!"hesis and #ursue a ne !ne0 my s!n a"e"!! mu*h su$ar

In my resear*h !n su$ar( I ,ind0 Su$ar !r su*r!se( is a*arb!hydra"e "ha" is #resen" na"urally in ,rui"s and .e$e"ables All#lan"s use a na"ural #r!*ess *alled

#h!"!syn"hesis "! "urn sunli$h" in"! "he n!urishmen" "hey need,!r $r!"h

Su$ar is a *arb!hydra"e The b!dy@s #rimary s!ur*e !, ener$y is,r!m *arb!hydra"es All .i"al !r$ansbrain( hear"( li.erneed*arb!hydra"es "! mee" "heir ener$y demands Carb!hydra"es(in*ludin$ su$ar( als! #lay +ey r!les in mus*le ,un*"i!n( $r!"hand re$ula"i!n !, b!dy "em#era"ure

I am n!" sure here "! $! i"h "his in,!rma"i!n( s! I "a+e a brea+"! a"*h The E7!r*is"


34/76

2ay 0I ha.e an idea ,!r a ne7" s"e# Bu"( sin*e my i,e !n@" lea.e meal!ne ,!r "!! l!n$ i"h !ur s!n( I de*ide "ha" I ill "es" my nehy#!"hesis !n mysel, I head "! "he $r!*ery s"!re here I buy"en"y-,i.e ba$s !, 1e##erid$e Farms 2!uble Ch!*!la"eMilan!s( a $all!n !, h!le mil+ and "en ba$s !, su$ar

While my i,e and s!n are !u" ,!r "he day( I be$in "! *!nsume all"en"y-,i.e ba$s !, *!!+ies Be,!re ea"in$ ea*h *!!+ie( I di# i" inmil+ and "hen in"! a ba$ !, su$ar I am n!" sure !, "he am!un" !,su$ar my s!n in$es"ed( bu" I assume "ha" I need "! e7*eed i" due

"! my lar$er b!dy-ei$h"

When I am d!ne i"h "he *!!+ies I ea" "he res" !, "he su$ar( /us""! *!.er all bases

2ay L0Man( ha" ha.e I been missin$; Su$ar is s!( s! ,ri$$in@e7*ellen"; I" is "he eli7ir !, "he $!ds( "he H!ly 4rail( #ure Hea.en

in $ranular ,!rm I ,eel li+e Su#erman I *an@" ,ly bu"( man( [email protected]$ed "! m! "he lan( #ain" "he $ara$e and *a"*h "he ba"s"ha" li.e in "he a""i* all in !ne h!ur I *an@" s"!# $rindin$ my"ee"h( bu" s! ha"( su$ar *!mes in li=uid ,!rm anyay S!da ismanna

Fas"er( ,as"erKI ,ind "ha" I( "!!( n! en/!y s#innin$ ar!und !nmy ba*+ !n "he ,l!!r( lau$hin$ li+e a mania*K,as"er( ,as"er(,as"erKI $uess I *!n,irmed my hy#!"hesis

M!re su$arK,u*+ "his s*ien*e-s"u,,( h! "he hell *an*!n*en"ra"e !n all !, "he de"ails I@m =ui""in$ Need "! ,ind m!resu$ar

H!ld i"( I "hin+ my i,e is *allin$ an e7!r*is"

Maybe he *an brin$ s!me m!re milan!s;



35/76

"he Absent Adults ofChildhood %avorites #/eak

)rs. +ally +mith " )other of the hildren 3rom #he at in the9atI *ame h!me and ,!und "he h!use in *!m#le"e shambles Th!se+ids mus" ha.e #ulled !#en e.ery draer and *u#b!ard( "hen"hr!n e.ery"hin$ in"! "he middle !, "he r!!m They "i##ed !.erall "he ,urni"ure( and em#"ied "he *!n"en"s !, "he .a*uum *leaner!n"! "he ,l!!r T! "!# i" !,, I ,!und Mu,,y( my $!ld,ish( ,l!##in$

ar!und !n "he ,l!!r in a #!!l !, his ,ishb!l a"er Wha" reallymade me ,li# my i$ as hen "hey "!ld me "ha" "he h!use hadbeen a re*+( and "ha" i" as a" "ha" .ery m!men" *leaned u# I,"ha" asn@" #sy*h!"i* en!u$h( "hey als! "!ld me "ha" i" had beendes"r!yed and *leaned by a lar$e *a" in a "all red-and-hi"e ha"i"h his "! ,riends Thin$ One and Thin$ T!( ins"ead !, by "!helli!n *hildren h! sh!uld be made ,r!m n! !n "! #lay !u"siden! ma""er ha" "he ea"her is There as n! "ele.isi!n ,!r ayear a,"er "ha"( and I *er"ainly made "hem s*rub "he ,l!!rs harder

and l!n$er !n "he ne7" s*heduled *leanin$ day

)rs. #ina 'rown " harlie 'rowns )otherWe +n! Chu*+ie is a $!!d li""le-b!y( bu" s!me"hin$ is [email protected] "ried "! be $!!d #aren"s( "! !,,er him ha" a $r!in$ b!yneeds "! be*!me a man We $a.e him a #u##y I an"ed "!$i.e him a #!ny( bu" his ,a"her !uld hear n!"hin$ !, i"D Ween*!ura$ed Chu*+ie "! $e" in"! s#!r"s We e.en "ried +i"e-,lyin$(all "! n! a.ail 1ers!nally( I "hin+ he an"s "! learn $ymnas"i*shis ,a"her d!es n!" a$ree a" allD Then( a,"er seein$ "ha" li""le

,rail $irl( )u*y( ma+e Chu*+ie ,all ,la" !n his ba*+ a$ain hile#layin$ ,!!"ball - ell( e $a.e u# My husband si$ned him u#,!r mili"ary s*h!!l He lea.es ne7" ee+ His ,a"her "hin+s "hissh!uld s"rai$h"en him !u" be,!re he de.ia"es "!! ,ar I@m n!" s!sure I su$$es"ed ar"-s*h!!l( hi*h ,ell !n dea, ears Ne7" I@m$!in$ "! su$$es" a di.!r*e

)s -mily Congstockings " 2ippis 7randmother1i##i 1!!r( #!!r( 1i##i [email protected] s"ill $!" a *l!se" ,ull !, ni*e la*y

dresses ai"in$ ,!r y!u And a bi$ .a" !, ,reshly-made s!a# "!ash all !, "ha" $rime and sea-sal" !u" !, y!ur hair I, y!u *!me"! li.e i"h me( I #r!mise y!u "hree s=uare meals a day and all !,"he d!lls and d!ll-h!uses a li""le $irl *!uld an" O, *!urse( i, y!u


36/76

d! li.e i"h me i" ill be a #r!#er ,inishin$ s*h!!l ,!r y!u and n!m!re #layin$ 8sea *a#"ain9 and su*h N!" ,!r a li""le lady In ,a*"(I am #re#ared "! m!.e as ,ar aay ,r!m "he !*ean as #!ssible(maybe >ansas !r Idah! Yes( "ea-*a+es( #ian! less!ns( andbu*+led sh!es ,!r y!u )!n$s"!*+in$s6 I" may be !urnamesa+e( bu" [email protected] $!" a /u$ !, +er!sene and a h!le in "he yard"! burn ea*h and e.ery !ne

)r. 7regory #eeny 9erman " 2ee Wees 3atherSure I $uess he s#ends a l!" !, "ime han$in$ !u" in "hebasemen" ,un-r!!m He *alls i" his 8#lay-h!me9 !r s!me su*hshi" I d!n@" +n! ha"@s r!n$ i"h "ha" ,ri$$in@ +id T! be

*!m#le"ely h!nes"( [email protected] $i.en u# !n him Y!u +n!( I@m a b!7er -a $rea" !ne a" "ha" es#e*ially i, I hadn@" "a+en "ha" bl! "! myle,"-eye and nearly +n!*+ed "he damn "hin$ !u"D Anyay( as ab!7er I "hin+ i"s im#!r"an" "ha" +ids $e" $!!d e7er*ise I "ried 1eeWee a" runnin$ and hi""in$ "he ba$ and s"u,,( bu" all he an"ed "!d! as run in *ir*les and /um# u#-and-d!n li+e s!me +ind !,,rui" And "ha" damn !u",i"; I d!n@" +n! i, "ha" +id@s $!" my$enes !r n!" He re,uses "! ear a sea"shir" !r snea+ersIns"ead( he *!lle*"s "h!se s"u#id b!-"ies Wha" +ind !, +id

ears b!-"ies6 I@d ha.e $!""en my ass +i*+ed in s*h!!l i, Il!!+ed li+e him As ,ar as I@m *!n*erned( he *an s"ay d!n in"he basemen" "al+in$ "! his ima$inary ,riends >ee# "he d!!r*l!sed( lea.e ,!!d a" "he "!# !, "he s"airsKend !, s"!ry

#imothy 3laherty " :ncle of 0immy 3rom 9. R. 2$fnst$fThe las" "ime I sa Gimmy( he as *arryin$ his ,lu"e ar!und in his#!*+e" li+e s!me +ind !, hu$e #en He "!ld me he as $!in$ "!$! "a+e a al+ by "he sea He seemed a bi" s#a*ed !u" N! I+n! "ha" he didn@" really li+e learnin$ a musi*al ins"rumen" My

sis"er - his m!"her - ,!r*ed him "! learn "he ,lu"e( hi*h hede"es"ed He "!ld me "ha" day "ha" he ished "he s"u#id "hin$!uld #lay i"sel, My main *!n*ern( n! "ha" Gimmy has beenmissin$ ,!r s! l!n$( is "ha" my $!!d buddy( Ernes"( as .isi"in$"ha" ee+ N! Ernes" is a ni*e $uy bu" he has a bi" !, a dru$#r!blem - hi*h "han+,ully he@s "ryin$ "! +i*+ n! "ha" all !, "hishas ha##ened Y!u see( Ernes" isn@" sure i, he br!u$h" ,!ur !r,i.e hi"s !, a*id "ha" ee+ I "!ld "he #!li*e( i"h!u" sayin$ hy("ha" "hey sh!uld #r!bably see i, Gimmy ended u# in San

Fran*is*! !r here e.er dru$$ed !u" hi##ies li.e "hese days Hesh!uld be easy "! ,ind - a smallish b!y i"h a b!l hair*u"( a l!n$s*ra$$ly hi##ie-beard( and a hu$e ,lu"e s"i*+in$ !u" !, his#!*+e"Kunless( !, *!urse( he s!ld i" ,!r m!re dru$s


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1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e %&&JD

#oe #uggestions for the +e1t %ilin (eorge Roero's ;obie #eries

#welfth ight of the Civing /ead

The Bard mee"s 4e!r$e R!mer!0 *r!ss-dressin$

The


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#ea"#ime for the /eadAll "he li.in$ are n! dead The !rld is a sarm i"h aimless(anderin$

"as"eless - hi*h is !+ay be*ause m!s"

1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e %&&D

An )nterview with Old Man Last Year

Mr %&&J( Old Man )as" Year - h! as re#la*ed by "he BabyNe Year !n Ganuary s"( %&& - is *urren"ly in re"iremen" a" a*!nd!-*!m#le7 in Fl!rida He as .ery !#en "! anserin$=ues"i!ns When !ur re#!r"er *au$h" u# i"h him he asrela7in$ !n his ,r!n" #!r*h

Reporter5Than+s ,!r mee"in$ i"h me Mr %&&J


39/76


40/76

Reporter5Well( sir( "his d!esn@" seem "! be a $!!d "ime "! "al+1erha#s I sh!uld *!me ba*+ !n an!"her day Are y!u sure y!ud!n@" ha.e any las" "h!u$h" y!u@d li+e "! im#ar" "! "he !rld


41/76

+olicitor5I am sure "ha" li.in$ !n a ,i7ed in*!me *an ma+ea,,!rdin$ $!!d *ar insuran*e a di,,i*ul"y Wha" i, I "!ld y!u "ha" I*!uld sa.e y!u a minimum !, "en"y-,i.e #er*en" !n y!ur yearly#remium6

th$l$5 I ha"e human s*um li+e y!u Y!u +n!( I *!uld "rans#!r"mysel, "hr!u$h "his #h!ne-line and re.eal mysel, in all !, myh!rrible $randeur *ausin$ y!u "! li.e in a !rld !, *!ns"an"ni$h"mares Y!u !uld #ray ,!r a si," dea"h a" my hands

+olicitor5O+ay( !+ay Wha" ab!u" li,e insuran*e6

th$l$5Kn! "han+s Han$s u#D Arr$h;

Call %

2i!!a /elivery +ervice5Hell!( Sal.a"!re@s 1i


42/76

th$l$5H! dare y!u dis#ara$e "he mi$h"y .isa$e !, C"hulu; Iha.e li.ed a$es bey!nd "he "ime !, men My h!rrible beau"y is!ne "! be !rshi##edKbesides "heir ,eelers( n!" s#a$he""i -

4o$ng )ale 6oice5Hey( !uld y!u li+e an !mele""e "! $! i"hy!ur #as"a

th$l$5 7rrrB Y!u s"u#id Callahan +ids - y!u@re "he !nes "ha"e$$ed my h!use las" Hall!een( aren@" y!u6 I !u$h" "! +ill y!u -

4o$ng )ale 6oice5Y!u and ha" army6

th$l$5 I d!n@" need an army( !ne l!!+ a" me and

4o$ng )ale 6oice5-and e.ery!ne runs aay( y!u@re s! u$ly(s#a$he""i-,a*eK

C"hulu han$s u# C"hulu si$hs dee#lyD

Call

2hone ompany5Hell!( y!u ha.e rea*hed "he Ar+ham 1h!neC!m#any Our $!al is "! ma+e y!ur #h!ne ser.i*e "he bes" I,y!u ha.e a =ues"i!n ab!u" y!ur ser.i*e( #ress I, y!u ish "!*han$e !r *an*el y!ur ser.i*e( #ress %

C"hulu #resses %D

2hone ompany5I, y!u ish "! *han$e y!ur ser.i*e( #ress I,

y!u ish "! *an*el y!ur ser.i*e( #ress %

C"hulu #resses %D

2hone ompany51lease s"ay !n "he line hile e *!nne*" y!u"! an !#era"!r

C"hulu ai"sD

2hone ompany5 Hell!( y!u ha.e rea*hed "he Ar+ham 1h!neC!m#any Our $!al is "! ma+e y!ur #h!ne ser.i*e "he bes"K

C"hulu han$s u# C"hulu =uie"ly ee#sD


43/76

Call One M!n"h )a"erD

1h!ne rin$sD

th$l$5Hell!

+olicitor52! y!u *urren"ly ha.e a subs*ri#"i!n "! TV 4uide6

th$l$5I@ll "a+e i";

+olicitor5h( all ri$h" Bu" d!n@" y!u e.en an" "! hear ab!u" !ursubs*ri#"i!n ra"es6

th$l$5I am ready "! d! y!ur biddin$ I ill #ay ha"e.er y!ure=ues" Wha"e.er "he 1h!ne-Mas"er an"sK/us" d!n@" hur" me

+olicitor5O+ay Well( !ur *urren" ra"e is PJ& a year 2! I ha.ey!ur #ermissi!n "! bill y!u and s"ar" y!ur subs*ri#"i!n6

th$l$5Yes( sir

+olicitor5 Than+ y!u

C"hulu han$s u# C"hulu si"s and s"ares a" "he small bla*+#h!ne( ai"in$ ,!r i"s ne7" ins"ru*"i!nsD

1ublished !n )c+weeneysebsi"e %&&D

Hierarch$ of +eeds for Parents

In ' Abraham Masl! $a.e us his #sy*h!l!$i*al "he!ry !,"he Hierar*hy !, Needs His "he!ry( sim#ly s"a"ed( #!si"s "ha"humans inheren"ly see+ hi$her and hi$her le.els !, needs(

s"ar"in$ i"h "he basi* #hysi!l!$i*al and endin$ i"h sel,-a*"uali


44/76

l!.e( e"*D S!meh! I sus#e*" Mr Masl! as n!" a #aren"(!"herise he !uld ha.e re-"h!u$h" his in,am!us hierar*hy

2hysiological1aren"in$ brin$s y!u *l!ses" "! y!ur base needs )i.in$ in a,!res" ea"in$ $rubs hile li.in$ in a *a.e ,!r #r!"e*"i!n ,r!m#reda"!rs is n!"hin$ *!m#ared "! m!n"hs !, slee# de#ri.a"i!n(nearly dr!nin$ in s#i"-u#( and y!ur *hild@s dis*!.ery !, "he !rd8n!9 The under#innin$s !, in"elli$en*e( e7#erien*e and*!n,iden*e "ha" y!u had as a #re-#aren" adul" is +i*+ed !u" ,r!mundernea"h y!u and y!u !,"en be*!me a babblin$( *!n,used(dis"urbed indi.idual Fr!m "he m!men" y!u brin$ h!me y!ur ne

melin$ li""le human( y!u mus" be$in "! re-a""ain y!ur basi*#hysi!l!$i*al needs0

The need "! dis"in$uish be"een day and ni$h" a$ain

The need "! remember "ha" y!ur s#!use is "he #ers!n y!umarried and n!" a ha


45/76

On*e y!u ha.e $!ne a" leas" a m!n"h i"h!u" usin$ a band-aidn!r .isi"in$ a medi*al d!*"!r !r emer$en*y r!!m( y!u *an m!.e!n"!0

CoveG'elongingIsn@" "his e7a*"ly hy y!u had *hildren in "he ,irs" #la*e6 Is "ha"hy6 A*"ually I d!n@" remember Anyay( i" is *er"ainly a $rea"bene,i"( and in*reasin$ y!ur ,amily@s si


46/76

are $r!n-u# and !u" !, "he h!me Ir!ni*( huh6 Anyay( y!uare ,inally here Here is ha" sel,-a*"uali


47/76

)y 9air5S!meha" A*"ually( Sha.e I" All O,, had beens!me"hin$ I an"ed "! !r+ !n sin*e "he )im# M!ha+ In*iden" -an!"her "ra$edy "ha" I@d ra"her n!" $e" in"!

)e5)e"@s $! ba*+ "! s!me !, y!ur early !r+ Wha" d! y!u l!!+ba*+ !n m!s" ,!ndly6

)y 9air5Fr!m my early years( I l!!+ ba*+ !n Be,!re MyClassma"es Ca/!led Me in"! Washin$ My Hair E.eryday as a#ar"i*ular nadir Be,!re "hen( I bas+ed in "he inn!*en*e !, /us"bein$ h! I as I did n!" ,eel "he in*essan" #ressure !, needin$

"! l!!+ li+e e.ery!ne else I miss "he days !, "ha" ,ree-,l! !,*rea"i.i"y0 le""in$ dir" and dead lea.es s"i*+ "! me ,!r days !nend S#la""ered mud as a ,!rm !, un*!ns*i!us sel,-e7#ressi!nAll !, my *!n"em#!raries ere in a "hri.in$ *rea"i.e *auldr!nU"hen *ame /uni!r hi$h s*h!!l Suddenly( my #eers eresm!"hered in $els and drained !, li,e by bl!-dryers Tha"@shen I be*ame in.!l.ed i"h The Hairs#ray 2eba*le Can a,"er*an !, "ha" s"u,, *an r!" y!ur brain and ea" aay a" y!ur ,!lli*les)e"@s /us" say - hen y!u a+e u# !ne day surr!unded by em#"y

*ans and "he dan+ s*en" !, aer!s!l in "he air( y!u learn "! s"!#*!ld "ur+ey

)e5Y!ur *areer +ind !, ,aded ,!r a bi" Y!u ere l!n$ i$n!redand didn@" "ry any"hin$ ne !r ed$y as y!u a""em#"ed "! d! iny!ur %&@s

)y 9air5 I *h!*+ "ha" u# "! "he rela"i.e im#l!si!n "ha" ,!ll!ed02amn( Is My Hair Thinnin$6 I ,!und mysel, in a dee#de#ressi!n I as riddled i"h an7ie"y and my *!n"a*" i"h "he

!u"side !rld be*ame limi"ed I be*ame a .ir"ual re*luse - hidin$under baseball *a#s and in"er ha"s As ,ar as I as *!n*ernedI !uld ha.e been ha##y "! ne.er see "he li$h" !, day a$ain

)e5Tha" *han$ed h!e.er

)y 9air5As e.ery!ne +n!s( I *ame !u" !, my shell i"h I Ha.ea 4irl,riend Wh! )!.es Me( 1!"en"ial Male-1a""ern Baldness andAll Yes( "han+ 4!d ,!r "ha" I, "ha" hadn@" ha##ened( I mi$h"

ha.e lan$uished in *!ns"an" re-runs !, Sha.e I" All O,, ,!re.er

)e5These days y!u seem "! ha.e $ained "he res#e*" !, y!ur#eers Y!u are .ery .isible and $enerally admired( !r a" leas"


48/76

"!lera"ed by y!ur audien*e 2! y!u "hin+ i" had mu*h "! d! i"h IHa.e a 4irl,riendK6

)y 9air5M!s" de,ini"ely Es#e*ially sin*e "ha" as ,!ll!ed byShe Married Me( N! I Can 4! C!m#le"ely Bald and I W!n@" BeAl!ne This h!le #eri!d !, my li,e has $i.en me a *!n,iden*e"ha" I ne.er had be,!re I"@s all!ed me "! "a# in"! a sense !,/us" bein$ mysel,( hi*h I ne.er had as a y!u"h I "hin+ "hisha##ens "! m!s" in my #!si"i!n I" has als! $i.en me "he*!n,iden*e "! en$a$e in ris+ier ma"erial a$ain

)e5Y!u mean su*h "hin$s as Why 1ay P%J "! a Hair-2resser

When I Can Cu" My On Hair i"h a P%J 1air !, Sheers6

)y 9air5Yes And Mu""!n-Ch!#s Can )!!+ 4!!d !n a F!r"y-Year Old

)e5Well( I an" "! "han+ y!u ,!r "al+in$ i"h me "!day Be,!ree $!( *an y!u "ell us hi*h !, y!ur ,u"ure #r!/e*"s y!u are m!s"e7*i"ed ab!u"6

)y 9air5I #r!bably sh!uldn@" say any"hin$ ab!u" "his( sin*e s!,e +n! ab!u" i" ye"( bu" I@m *urren"ly in h!" ne$!"ia"i!ns !.erH!ney( Wha" 2! Y!u Thin+ !, C!rnr!s6

1ublished !n #he 'ig 0ewelebsi"e %&&D

Clouds: )/ortanting of .ruk in Bab$lonia 2B?C? @7 Res/onds

to Advertising's Biggest *uestions

9ow many licks does it take to get to the #ootsie"Roll center of a#ootsie"2op?Wh! is "his 8T!!"sie9 y!u s#ea+ !, "he !ne hi*h y!u as+ me "!li*+( r!ll and #!#6 The 4rea" 4il$amesh is #ar" human( #ar" $!dHe is "he +in$ !, "he $rea" *i"y !, ru+ This *i"y is ,!r"i,ied byhu$e alls and "he ,ines" mas!n-!r+ in all !, "he !rld Thes"!ries !, my e7#l!i"s are *ar.ed in la#is la


51/76

9eyB 9ow abo$t a nice 9awaiian 2$nch?I, I am n!" mis"a+en( y!u ha.e /us" *hallen$ed "he #!er,ul4il$amesh "! a ,i$h" 1erha#s y!u ha.e n!" heard "he name4il$amesh n!r heard "ales !, his ba""les I ad.ise y!u "! *he*+!u" "he *!!l s"!ries !n "h!se la#is la


52/76

in"! "he la#is la


53/76

new s$pervisor beca$se I dont want to start off on the wrongfoot. What sho$ld I do?An!nym!us( address i"hheld

Well( "he sim#le anser is "! a.!id $!in$ "! y!ur su#er.is!r and$! "! "he human res!ur*e de#ar"men" !, "he s*h!!l Y!u sh!uldbe able "! as+ s!me!ne "here "! l!!+ u# "he s*h!!l@s se7ualharassmen" #!li*y And( hile y!u are a" i"( as+ "hem ha" "hesi*+-"ime #!li*y is This ay( y!u *an #lan ahead ,!r "h!se ,irs"beau"i,ul days !, s#rin$ hen "he las" #la*e y!u sh!uld be is a"an !,,i*e des+ all day l!n$ I, i" "urns !u" "ha" y!u need a d!*"!r@sn!"e ,!r "ime !,,( s*hedule a re$ular *he*+-u# i"h y!ur d!*"!r

Then( hile y!u are si""in$ in his !,,i*e ai"in$ ,!r him "! e7aminey!u( $rab !ne !, his n!"e-#ads "here y!u $! ready made"ime-!,, Or( i, y!u ,ind y!u are si""in$ a" y!ur des+ and arei"*hin$ "! be ,ree ,!r "he res" !, "he day( $rab "he en.el!#em!is"ener and rub i" !n y!ur ,!rehead and #alms Then $! "elly!ur su#er.is!r y!u aren@" ,eelin$ ell Ma+e "hem "!u*h y!urhead i, "hey seem s+e#"i*al Remember "he =ues"i!n isn@"8ha" y!u are $!in$ "! d! i"h a ,a+e day-!,, ,r!m !r+9( i"@s8ha" aren@" y!u $!in$ "! d!69

I am a political science ma&or and a senior in college. I hope tor$n for office someday. Well, my ho$se"mate gets dr$nk everyweekend and hits on my girlfriends. 9es done this for years.What I want to do is get him dr$nk and take him for a long ride inmy car to some secl$ded place in the woods. I want to hit himover the head with a two"by"fo$r, tie him to the b$mper of the carand drag him along a dirt road for a few miles, then leave himthere to walk home. '$t, Im afraid I wont get away with it, andit will r$in my political f$t$re. What sho$ld I do?

Ral#h >rens+y( Wi*hi"a( >ansas

Y!u +n!( I *!uld $i.e y!u s!me e"hi*al ad.i*e ab!u" "he na"ure!, re.en$e( #erha#s e.en s!me his"!ri*al ane*d!"es ab!u"#!li"i*al ,i$ures h! ha.e *r!ssed s!me e"hi*al b!undaries in"heir #as" I *!uld e.en "!ss in s!me mild /!+es ab!u" #ubli*dis"rus" in #!li"i*ians Bu" I !n@" The bes" anser is "!! easy(Ral#h Wha" y!u need "! d! is ,ind s!me ,!rm !, re.en$e "ha"y!u !n@" $e" *au$h" d!in$( bu" ill ma+e y!u ,eel e7"remely

$!!d a,"erard I *an $i.e y!u a ,e su$$es"i!ns "! $e" y!us"ar"ed0 "ry #la*in$ a $!!d d!ll!# !, Vaseline !n "he ear#ie*e !,his #h!ne Or( i, he@s !ne !, "h!se $uys h! si"s !n "he "!ile"sea" hen he $!es "! "he ba"hr!!m in "he middle !, "he ni$h"


54/76

du*"-"a#e "he "!ile" sea" "! "he "!ile" lid s! he@ll si" ri$h" in "he"!ile" Y!u *!uld als! e7*han$e all !, "he d!!r+n!bs i"h ne!nes hen he@s !u" !ne ni$h" s! his +eys !n@" !r+ O, *!urse(y!u *!uld als! $! i"h "he *lassi* hand-in-arm-"ub-!,-a"er-hile-he@s-slee#in$-"ri*+( s! he@ll e" his #an"s 4!!d ,un isn@"$!!d i, i" d!esn@" ma+e y!u ,eel $!!d( Ral#h

Send y!ur =ueries "! bueller-e"hi*is"ny"imes*!m!r Bueller(The E"hi*is"( The Ne Y!r+ Times Ma$a


55/76

r!!m The *amera lands !n s!me!ne si""in$ a" "he ben*h We

)r. #angle5Haa$; 1hhhi"( ,ran$laan$;

Mr Tan$le s"ands u#( #i*+s u# his *hair( and "hr!s i" in "hedire*"i!n !, "he )!rd Hi$h Chan*ell!r The Chan*ell!r du*+sThe *hair +n!*+s !.er "hree la *ler+s

#he Cord 9igh hancellor5Heh-heh-heh-heh;

Suddenly a b!""le !, in+ lands !n "he ba*+ !, "he )!rd Hi$h

Chan*ell!r@s head and e7#l!des( *!.erin$ him in bla*+ in+ He"urns and hi#s a "hi*+ la b!!+ in "he $eneral dire*"i!n "ha" "heb!""le *ame ,r!m

Wi"hin se*!nds all !, "he *hara*"ers are "hr!in$ any"hin$ n!"nailed d!n A 4remlin( h! is earin$ $!bs !, "hi*+ ma+e-u#!n his ,a*e "! ma+e him l!!+ li+e a lady( "a+es !,, his ma""ed i$(li$h"s i" !n ,ire i"h a li$h"er( and "hr!s i" a*r!ss "he r!!m A*!u#le !, 4remlins run !u"side( $rab hand,uls !, mud( re"urn "!"he *ha!"i* *!ur"r!!m and s"ar" "hr!in$ i" in"! "he melee

S*ene ends0 "he ba*+dr!#( n! *!.ered in mud and in+( li,"s u#=ui*+ly re.ealin$ bri$h" s#!"li$h"s "ha" ,ill "he s"a$e i"h li$h" All!, "he 4remlins s*ream in #ain( run !,, s"a$e

9ost5Well( "ha" as in.i$!ra"in$ 1lease "une in "!m!rr! ni$h"hen e ill re"urn "! Blea+ H!use in !ur se*!nd ins"allmen" In"his se$men"( e ill mee" )ady 2edl!*+( Sir )ei*es"er 2edl!*+(and Es"her Summers!n As ell( e ill mee" >r!!+( #!r"rayed

by "he in,am!us 4remlin( S"ri#e( h!( as readers !, "his.enerable *lassi* +n!( ill s#!n"ane!usly *!mbus" 4!!de.enin$


56/76

1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roastebsi"e %&&D

Language AcDuisition and 8Poo/ie9

The ay "ha" human bein$s a*=uire "he abili"y "! unders"and anduse lan$ua$e is a h!"ly *!n"es"ed s*ien"i,i* =ues"i!n O,"en "he.ari!us "he!ries ha.e ,allen !n ei"her side !, "he usual

na"urenur"ure di.ide0 are human bein$s b!rn i"h a buil"-in*a#abili"y "! use lan$ua$e6 Or( d! e learn m!s" !, !urlan$ua$e use "hr!u$h in"era*"i!ns i"h #aren"s and !"her#e!#le6 N!am Ch!ms+y( ar$uin$ ,!r "he 8na"ure9 end !, "heanser( belie.es e are b!rn #!ssessin$ a lan$ua$e a*=uisi"i!nde.i*e )A2DU a #ar" !, "he brain "ha" *!n"ains m!s" !, "he ma/!r#rin*i#les !, lan$ua$e On "he nur"ure-end !, "he s#e*"rum(S!*ial-In"era*"i!nis" Ca"herine Sn! *laims "ha" lan$ua$e isalm!s" en"irely en"rus"ed !n adul"-in"era*"i!n

The #r!,!und "ensi!n be"een "hese "! *lassi* res#!nses "!human de.el!#men" !**urred "! me as my "!-year-!ld s!n(Will( de*lared !ne day0 8#!!#ie( #!!#ie( #!!#ie9 N!( I am=ui"e sure "ha" my i,e and I had n!" u""ered "his !rd in his#resen*e Bu"( I als! re*alled hearin$ "his .ery same !rd( andi"s .ari!us deri.a"i.es 8#!!#9( 8#!!-#!!9( 8#!!#ie-d!!#ie9( ands"rai$h"-,!rard 8#!!9D( ,r!m !"her *hildren "ha" [email protected] in"era*"edi"h durin$ my li,e In ,a*"( I *!uld sa,ely say "ha" [email protected] heard "his!rd used by nearly e.ery sin$le *hild I ha.e +n!n I be$an "!

!nder0 did my s!n 8a*=uire9 "his !rd ,r!m in"era*"i!n i"h!"hers6 Or( as "his !rd hard-ired in"! his brainU did 8#!!#ie9*!me ,r!m "he lan$ua$e a*=uisi"i!n de.i*e in his brain6

My in.es"i$a"i!n in"! "his =ues"i!n be$an i"h a #h!ne-*all "!e.ery #aren" !, e.ery *hild Will in"era*"s i"h !n a re$ular basisA" ,irs"( I sim#ly as+ed "hem( 8d!es y!ur *hild say #!!#ie@69 Bu"(I ,!und "ha" "his sim#le =ues"i!n d!es n!" really $e" a" "he main=ues"i!n I as "ryin$ "! anser I had "! si"*h "he =ues"i!n "!0

8did y!ur *hild "ea*h my s!n 8#!!#9( 8#!!-#!!9( 8#!!#ie-d!!#ie9(!r 8#!!969 Sadly( I *an n!" en"irely rule !u" "he s!*ial-in"era*"i!n"he!ry as an e7#lana"i!n ,!r my s!n@s learnin$ "his !rd be*ausemany #aren"s sim#ly hun$-u# !n me Bu"( !, "h!se h! did


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en$a$e i"h me in "his s*ien"i,i* in=uiry( all ansered i"h s!me.ersi!n !, 8n!9 8n!#e9( 8!, *!urse n!"9( 8are y!u *ra


58/76

Magician !oug HenningHas #oething on His Mind

The Illusi!nis" The 1res"i$e G!na"han S"ran$e and Mr N!rrellThis sudden ,l!!d !, 8ma$i*ian9 m!.ies and b!!+s !uld lead!ne "! "hin+ "ha" ma$i*ians !nly e7is"ed be,!re !ur m!dern"imes Sure( "here ere ha*+ ma$i*ians ba*+ in "he "ime !,H!udini( bu" ha" ab!u" "he $l!ri!us 'L&@s and 'Q&@s a "imehen ma$i* as a man@s s#!r" We didn@" s"and ar!und in ar"sy-,ar"sy sui"s and use ,limsy mirr!rs "! d! !ur "ri*+s N!( e usedreal "i$ers and really hu$e "an+s !, a"er We had "he *!/!nes "!

al+ ar!und in s+in-"i$h" rainb!-*!l!red b!dysui"s We hadl!n$ manes !, hi##y hair and hu$e manly m!us"a*hes "ha"barely hid !ur bu*+-"ee"h Th!se !ld-,!$ey '"h*en"uryma$i*ians had "iny s"a$es "! d! "heir #arl!r "ri*+s !n I had"ele.isi!n( baby; Bri$h" li$h"s and mul"i#le *ameras I as in#e!#le@s ,ri$$in@ h!mes by "he milli!ns Try "ha" Mr S"ran$e-N!rrell Y!u@d #r!bably *ry and e" y!u #an"s +n!in$ "ha" hal,!, Ameri*a as a"*hin$ y!u ris+ y!ur li,e )a"e %&"h*en"uryma$i*ians e had $ame Y!u +n!( I may ha.e been "!ld "ha"

I l!!+ed li+e a re/e*" ,r!m HR 1u,,ens"u,,( bu" a" leas" I had "heballs "! *hain mysel, u# and nearly dr!n in a "an+ !, a"er in#rime "ime The beau"y !, i" all as "ha" Mr and Mrs MiddleAmeri*a ere h!#in$ "he ,rea+in@ hi##y !uld dr!n !n"ele.isi!n And( y!u +n! ha"6 I didn@" I as a "es"im!ny "!"he ,a*" "ha" "he !#en-hear"ed( bleedin$-liberal( l!.e-*hildrenere "he real "!u$h $uys O+ay( !+ay( in re"r!s#e*" I may ha.el!s" a bi" !, s"ree"-*red hen I de*ided "! run ,!r Canadian#arliamen" as a *andida"e !, "he Na"ural )a 1ar"y and l!s" I*er"ainly "h!u$h" my *am#ai$n sl!$an as brillian"0 I, I *an

ma+e an ele#han" disa##ear( I *an ma+e "he de,i*i" disa##earDCan I hel# i" i, "he res" !, y!u ere s! ,ar behind my ,!rard"hin+in$6

Anyay( I di$ress The 1res"i$e6 2!es "ha" s!und anyherenear as *a#"i.a"in$ as 82!u$ Hennin$@s Ama


59/76

/uni!r hi$h s*h!!l and $i.e HIM a ed$ie ,!r *allin$ y!u a bu*+-"!!"hed #ansy;9 Y!u be" I d! and "hen I@ll dun+ him in a "an+,ull !, "i$ers and see i, he *an disa##ear be,!re bein$ mauled "!dea"h 4! 2O4;

1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roastebsi"e %&&D

"oda$'s AA #/eaker: Mr? "o &aits

2)f Mr? &aits )s Actuall$ Like thePeo/le He &rites #ongs About7

Hell!( I@m T!m I am a #ar"ial al*!h!li* - #ar"ial "! "he his+eyMi*+ey Ni*+els *!n*!*"ed in his basemen" s"ill I did m!s" !, myhard drin+in$ hile li.in$ i"h Mi*+ey in Ren! - a dus"y #la*e ,ull!, l!!se *ash( l!!se *riminals( and l!!se !men - my +ind !,"!n I sh!uld ha.e +n!n n!" "! mi7 his+ey and h!!+ersHer name as R!sie She ,!und me a" Har.ey@s )a"e-Ni$h"

2iner here "he e$$s are $reasy en!u$h "! lube "he *arbure"!r!, y!ur ,a"her@s )in*!ln R!sie leaned "!ard me a" "he *!un"erand said( 8I #re,er my ba*!n as *ris#y as a brand ne P%& d!llarbill and my e$$s !.er-easy li+e I an" y!u9 I as !u" !, mysea" be,!re "he hea" *ame !,, my *!,,ee

This be$an a l!n$ al*!h!li* r!man*e Ea*h day I@d #lay "hree-*ard M!n"e in "he alley( r!llin$ su*+ers ,!r e7"ra *ash ThenR!sie !uld r!ll me !.er a" her #la*e The day she l!s" "h!se#as"ies and $-s"rin$ in her $rimy a#ar"men" as "he day I ,!und

reli$i!n Then I ,!und *hea# b!urb!n Then R!sie ,!und me in"he alley( ne*+"ie ar!und my head( "al+in$ "! "he "rash *ans Shes"!m#ed !n my hear" li+e a barrel ,ull !, $ra#es( and "hen le," meand a b!""le !, *hea# ine "! ,ind !ur ay h!me

I "ried "! =ui" !n my !n a,"er "ha" I sm!+ed a l!" !, Camels - s!mu*h i" made my "hr!a" h!arse I s!!"hed i" i"h a b!""le !,"e=uila ,!ur"een b!""les( a*"ually( and a ,!ur"een day bender Ibarely remember "ha" las" Sa"urday ni$h" I *ruised "he s"ree"s in

my !ld Oldsm!bile( a"*hin$ "he s"ree"-li$h"s $leam li+ediam!nds !n "he indshield "e=uila ma+es y!u hallu*ina"eD I*ame-"!( #ar+ed !n s!me!ne@s lan( my head #!undin$ li+e aham-,is"ed #ian! #layer


60/76

I en" "! ,ind R!sie I ,!und her i"h her ne b!y,riend( Mi*+eyNi*+els( h! had #!*+e"s ,ull !, *ash ,r!m his+ey sales Heand my see" R!sie "!ssed !u" d!llar bills "! "he dereli*"s and.a$ran"s li+e he as "he >in$ !, Si7"h A.enue Sure my #!r+-#ieha" as dus"y and my *!a" had m!re #a"*hes "han "he "ire@s !nmy un*le@s !ld C!u#e 2e.ille( bu" I +ne I@d hi" b!""!m henR!sie "!ssed me a ,i.er li+e I as s!me +ind !, $in-eyed h!b! I"as "hen "ha" I realiimble90 n!" s! *!!l I de*ide "ha"I need "! see+ !u" a *!!ler name I d!n@" really an" "! sell

dru$s "h!u$h I *!nsider sellin$ my s"ash !, Bayer as#irinDIns"ead I sim#ly *!-!#" "he name !, "he .illain ,r!m >inder$ar"enC!# My ne name is A##le Cris# I" #!si"i.ely ree+s !,*!!lness

)ove to %storia5A bul+ !, "his ,ilm( i, n!" e.ery ,rame !, i"( is,ilmed in a #la*e *alled As"!ria I ha.e n! idea here As"!ria isI $uess i"@s s!mehere in Cali,!rnia sin*e Mr S*har


61/76

3ighting rime is a 7reat Way to +ee #he World5G!hn >imble isa Ne Y!r+ Ci"y *!# He $e"s "! "ra.el "! "he Wes" C!as" N!"!nly "ha" bu" he $e"s "! be a +inder$ar"en "ea*her I" is de*ided0 Iill m!.e "! As"!ria and ,i$h" *rime in my s#are "ime( +ind !, li+ea su#er-her! 8)!!+ u# in "he s+y( i"@s a bird( i"@s a #laneKi"@sA##le Cris#;9 This means I need a *!s"ume I re"urn "! mynei$hb!r@s *l!"hes *l!se" and ,ind a bri$h"ly *!l!red #!n*h! anda baseball *a# "ha" says 82!d$e9 !n i" I ill 8d!d$e9 "hin$s li+ebulle"s( *riminals( and "ra,,i* *!nes My !u",i" is *!m#le"e

7et a +idekick5G!hn >imble $e"s "! +n! !ne !, his

+inder$ar"en s"uden"s .ery ell The s"uden" says *u"e "hin$sand is ins"rumen"al in sa.in$ "he day This #r!m#"s me "! see+!u" a side+i*+ I $! ar!und "! all !, my nei$hb!rs and as+ "hem i,any !, "heir *hildren !uld li+e "! hel# me ,i$h" *rime in As"!ria Id!n@" $e" any "a+ers 1erha#s my mul"i-*!l!red #!n*h!( 2!d$eha"( and Saran-Wra# mas+ I added "ha" "! #r!"e*" my iden"i"yDin"imida"ed "hem I "ry a h!meless shel"er "! see i, any!ne "herean"s "! be my side+i*+ I ha.e /us" ab!u" *!n.in*ed a mannamed Mi*+ey hen "he #!li*e *!me I d! mana$e "! sell Mi*+ey

a ba$$ie !, as#irin be,!re es*a#in$ !u" "he ba*+d!!r 4! A##leCris#;

'$lk":p5Mr S*har


62/76

1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e %&&LD

"he (u$ Bear #urvival (uide

4ummy Bears an" "! +ill y!u I"@s "rue Sure "h!se *u"e li""le*!n,e*"i!nary m!rsels a##ear "! be harmless and e.en =ui"e"as"y Bu" d!n@" be lured in"! a "ummy-,illed *!ma"!se s"u#!r

These bears are ,er!*i!us( sin$le-minded +illers I( "!!( as!n*e *!a7ed by "heir seemin$ly deli*i!us a##earan*e I b!u$h"ba$ a,"er ba$ !, "he em#"y-eyed inn!*u!us-l!!+in$ bears Bu"s!!n I n!"i*ed s!me s"ran$e !**urren*es F!r ins"an*e( hen Ib!u$h" !ne ba$ !, 4ummy Bears a" S"!# and Sh!#( I re"urnedh!me "! ,ind ei$h" ba$s am!n$s" my $r!*eries Then( n! ma"-"er h! many I a"e( "he ni*e blue *erami* b!l I +e#" "hem inas alays *!m#le"ely ,illed I mean( I a"e a" leas" ,!ur "! si7*ereal b!ls ,ull in "he m!rnin$ al!ne They +n! h! "! re#li*-

a"e N! I *an@" ,ind my *a" The !b.i!us sus#e*"6 The4ummy Bears I ha.e be*!me *!n.in*ed "ha" 4ummy Bearsha.e a #lan "! n!" !nly ea" !ur *a"s( bu" "! !.er-"hr! "he humanra*e And( a,"er e7haus"i.e( me"i*ul!us resear*h I ha.e *!me u#i"h a res#!nse Bu" I need y!ur hel# Here is a mini-$uide !nh! "! sur.i.e and #erha#s s"!# "he ,ull !nslau$h" !, 4ummyBear h!rdes0

Why are they o$t to get $s? This is a $rea" =ues"i!n I ha.e "!"he!ries One is( sim#ly( "hey are si*+ and "ired !, a"*hin$ us

ea" "heir !n +ind by "he hand,ul They are si*+ened by !ur $lu"-"!n!us na"ure The !"her "he!ry is "ha" "he 4ummy Bear hi*h!ri$ina"ed in 4ermany in '%% as "he 4ummibXr 8rubber bear9Dere a se*re" ea#!n !, Hi"ler as he "ried "! *rea"e a ,lesh-ea"-in$ army !, SS *andies

9ow will they attack $s? I belie.e "ha" 4ummy Bears are n!" un-li+e Venus Fly-Tra#s !r 1i"*her 1lan"s I" is "heir ama


63/76

m!s" .ulnerable #e!#le in !ur s!*ie"y S!( n!" unli+e "he use !,"he Tr!/an h!rse( e ill ha.e *arried "heir armies in"! !ur .eryh!mes And( a" s!me undis*l!sed "ime "ha" I ha.e n!" ye" beenable "! as*er"ain( "hey ill rise-u# and !.er"a+e us "urnin$ !urarm ,leshy b!dies in"! #iles !, *rumblin$ b!nes

I als! ha.e a #e" "he!ry based !n "he ,a*" "ha" 4ummy Bears aremade !, su$ar( $lu*!se syru#( s"ar*h( ,la.!rin$( ,!!d *!l!rin$($ela"in( andK*i"ri* a*id Tha"@s a*id( ,!l+s; Gus" re*all "he*rea"ures in Alien and "he a*id in "heir bl!!d - y!u *an see hereI am $!in$

What can we do? The ima$e !, milli!ns !, "ranslu*en" red($reen( yell!( and !ran$e bears s"am#edin$ en-mass a*r!ss "hes"ree"s( h!uses( and malls !, Ameri*a !b.i!usly sends dee#*hills !, ab/e*" "err!r in"! any!ne Bu" d! n!" ,ear As di,,i*ul" asi" is "! *!n*ei.e( "he 4ummibXr are .ulnerable In ,a*" "heir .ul-nerabili"y is s! !b.i!us( y!u ill sma*+ y!ur !n head hen y!u!nder hy y!u didn@" "hin+ !, i" y!ursel,0 Y!u mus" ea" m!re4ummy Bears Yes( "he s!ur*e !, "heir m!ns"r!us ra$e is "hes!ur*e !, "heir !n demise We mus" u# "he an"e and n!" /us"

ea" "hem by "he dele*"able hand,ul( bu" e mus" ea" "hem by "hesh!.el( bu*+e" and lar$e-"r!u$hs-"ha"-e-use-"!-mi7-*emen"-in,ull O, *!urse( i, y!u are *!n*erned ab!u" ea"in$ "!! manybears "ha" y!ur s"!ma*h mi$h" e7#l!de as y!u are sa.in$ hu-mani"y /us" ea" "heir heads I" is "he !nly sure ay "! imm!bil-i


64/76

AMERICA I@VE 4IVEN YO A)) AN2 NOW I@M NOTHIN4Ameri*a "! d!llars and "en"y se.en *en"sChea# "i7s "! Eur!#e and "he Far Eas"

I WA)>E2 ON THE BAN>S OF THE TINCAN BANANA 2OC>And sa" d!n under "he hu$e shade !, a S!u"hern 1a*i,i*

l!*!m!"i.eT! l!!+ a" "he sunse" !.er "he b!7 h!use hills and *ryTry "he !nly all-na"ural 1r!


65/76

Anyay( las !n sendin$ messa$es "! "he #as" res"ri*" "henumber !, ,a*"s ab!u" "he ,u"ure I *an re.eal "! y!u S! here is!ne0 in %&Q( e ill buy an An$Burma2!!dle a $ene"i*hybrid d!$( *a" and rabbi" as a #e" We ill name i" Har.ey ande ill be abs!lu"ely in l!.e i"h i";)!.e( 4e!r$eSee"ie0

Well my bir"hday $i," did n!" $! !.er as ell as I had h!#ed I!n3" $! in"! de"ail( bu" le"3s /us" say "ha" i" had s!me"hin$ "! d!i"h buyin$ a $i," "ha" y!u ill re*ei.e "en"y-,i.e years earlierins"ead !, !n y!ur a*"ual bir"hday We had a bi$ ar$umen" andI3.e been ,!r*ed "! slee# !u" in "he d!*+in$ bay i"h Har.ey I"h!u$h" I3d send y!u "his le""er hi*h y!u ill ha.e read l!n$be,!re e $e" in"! "he ar$umen" 1erha#s by usin$ "his as y!u*all i"D ne-,an$led-"e*hn!-*ra# i" ill hel# sm!!"h "hin$s !.er

I am s!rry)!.e( 4e!r$eSee"ie0O+ay( y!u as+ed me "! be m!re s#e*i,i* ab!u" my a#!l!$y0 I am

s!rry "ha" I ruined y!ur bir"hday And( yes( y!u are ri$h" - i"!uld ha.e been m!re hel#,ul and #ra*"i*al "! arn y!u ab!u"W!rld 1la$ue I and II in my ,irs" le""er ins"ead !, "ellin$ y!uab!u"( as y!u #u" i"( "ha" #sy*h!"i* ,lea-"ra# Har.ey T! use a#hrase ,r!m "he "ime y!u are readin$ "his0 my bad)!.e( 4e!r$e1S d! y!u "hin+ y!u *!uld lea.e "he +eys !u" "! "he H!.erVan

,!r me6 I3m "ired !, ha.in$ "! "humb a ,li$h" "! !r+ e.erym!rnin$


66/76

See"ie0I +n! I3.e s*reed u# many "imes I3.e re#ea"edly s#en" all !,!ur sa.in$s !n $ad$e"s and ,ads I3.e n!" been "he m!s"*!mmuni*a"i.e !, husbands I +n! "ha" I3.e "es"ed y!ur#a"ien*e !.er and !.er Bu" i" *an3" be all bad( *an i"6 We3.es"u*+ i" !u" all !, "hese years We3.e had s!me ,un "imes Hereis a #re.ie ,!r ins"an*e0 e are $!in$ "! $! "! San 2ie$! ,!r "heW!rld Te*h E7#! %&& And( besides daily mi$raines "ha" ill+ee# y!u ,r!m *he*+in$ !u" "he b!!"hs i"h me( e ill ha.e ablas"

)!.e( 4e!r$e

1S I re*ei.ed "he di.!r*e #a#ers "his m!rnin$ Y!ur *laim "ha"e ne.er *!nsumma"ed !ur marria$e be*ause I as "!!e7haus"ed ,r!m "e7"-messa$in$ is b!"h hur",ul and really !nly#ar"ially "rue

2ear G!y*e0I d!n3" +n! i, by sendin$ "his le""er I am "e*hni*ally brea+in$ "heres"rainin$ !rder Bu" I an" "! le" y!u +n! "ha" I ha.e ,inally$!""en "he messa$e I am be$innin$ "! a**e#" "he ,a*" "ha" !ur"hir"y-,i.e year rela"i!nshi# is *!min$ "! an end I am sendin$"his las" le""er ,r!m "he ,u"ure be*ause I an" "! a*"ually "han+y!u ,!r hel#in$ me learn s!me"hin$ ab!u" mysel, And e.en"h!u$h di.!r*e is really su*h an e7"reme( I ,eel I ill be a be""er

human bein$ be*ause !, "hisSin*erely( 4e!r$e

1S I am !nderin$ i, y!u *!uld a" leas" le" me ha.e "he Q-,!!"r!ll-u# Beryllium 1lasma "ele.isi!n Hal! %J *!mes !u" ne7"ee+

1ublished !n Yan+ee 1!" R!as" ebsi"e %&&QD


67/76

"he Co$otes &ho #oeties Hang-Out in the&oods +ear %rank #tellgard's Hoe "alk to Hi About "heir

Preference in Beer 2#ort of7

Hey( Fran+ a+e-u# I"@s us Y!u +n!( "he *!y!"es "ha" han$-!u" in "he !!ds behind y!ur h!use 2!n@" #ani*( e +n!y!u@re a bi" drun+( and "his *!uld easily be a beer-indu*eddream Or( i" *!uld be real We als! +n! "ha" y!u "hin+ es!und li+e a $r!u# !, ,ra" b!ys lau$hin$ ar!und a +e$ hene@re *ar!usin$ near y!ur h!me Well( hey( e are 8ild9

animals( aren@" e6 Tru"h be "!ld( "ha" drun+en ,ra"-b!y "hin$ is*l!ser "! "he "ru"h "han y!u !uld "hin+ Y!u see( "he reas!n "ha"e are in*reasin$ly bein$ seen in suburbs and "!ns is n!"be*ause #e!#le ha.e been *u""in$ d!n ,!res"s "! build m!reh!mes and malls N!#e( i"@s be*ause !, beer Tha"@s ri$h" Wel!.e "he s"u,,; We *an@" $e" en!u$h !, i" 4uinness( SamAdams( C!r!na( e.en Miller All i" "!!+ as a "as"e ,r!m hal,-,illed *u#s le," a" +e$$ers in "he !!ds( and n! e *an@" $e"en!u$h

)e" me "ell y!u hy e are here( Fran+ I"@s be*ause eunders"and y!ur 8si"ua"i!n9 [email protected] seen a l!" !, mid-li,e *risiss"u,, be,!re "h!u$h n!" #ers!nally( !, *!urse Belie.e i" !r n!"(*!y!"es( hile $enerally a bun*h !, beer-$ul#in$ *arni.!r!usanimals( are als! =ui"e ise and #er*e#"i.e This is hy e*ame "! y!u "!ni$h" and are his#erin$ in y!ur ind! Ini"ially(e *ame here be*ause e *au$h" s*en" !, "he em#"ies ,r!m "he"! si7-#a*+s y!u #!lished !,, "!ni$h" *learly y!u are =ui"e "heli$h"-ei$h" sin*e i" "!!+ !nly si7 beers ,!r y!u "! s"ar" s*reamin$

a" "he lan "ha" y!u are si*+-and-"ired !, m!in$ i" e.ery ,edays I !nder ha" 2a.e@s 1a.in$ ill "hin+ ab!u" "ha"messa$e y!u le," ,!r "hem "! be a" y!ur h!use a" Q AM shar# !ry!u@d *!me d!n "here and sh! "hem ha"@s ha" I"@s a $!!d"hin$ y!ur i,e and +ids are aay ,!r "he ee+end !uldn@"ha.e an"ed "hem "! see y!u in su*h a s"a"eD

Well( ini"ially( e ere disa##!in"ed "ha" y!u n!" !nly dran+ b!"hsi7-#a*+s( bu" als! li*+ed !u" "he inside !, "he b!""les( "!! We

ere ab!u" "! run !,, "! "he a#ar"men" *!m#le7 a ,e bl!*+s !.erhere s!me *!lle$e +ids are s#endin$ "he summer las" ee+"hey ere drun+ en!u$h "! "hin+ e ere nei$hb!rh!!d d!$sand $a.e us beer in d!$-,!!d b!ls I" as Bud( bu" e l!n$-


68/76

a$! de*ided "ha" hen i" *!mes "! ,ree beer( e aren@" $!in$ "!be *h!!seyD Anyay( e de*ided "! han$-!u" here ,!r a bi" andhel# y!u i"h y!ur dilemma I "hin+ e ha.e s!me"hin$im#!r"an" "! im#ar" "! y!u

Bu" be,!re I 8im#ar"9( le" me e7#lain s!me"hin$ Y!u seem li+e a#re""y smar" $uy( ha" i"h "he $lasses and "he 1rius in "hedri.eay 1erha#s( "hen( [email protected] heard s!me Na"i.e Ameri*anl!re maybe in a m!.ie !r !n TV There is "his le$end !, "heC!y!"e-Tri*+s"er Yes( y!u see( e ha.e .ari!us my"hs andle$ends a""a*hed "! us in !"her !rds( e *arry s!me seri!usm!/!; T! #u" i" sim#ly( s!me Na"i.e Ameri*an "ribes "hin+ !ur

s#iri"s *!me "! "hem and s#ea+ "he "ru"h ab!u" s!me"hin$ I, a*!y!"e *!mes "! y!u in a dream( !r in y!ur *ase a drun+ens"u#!r "ha" d!esn@" really #ass ,!r any"hin$ *l!se "! "rue-slee#("han y!u sh!uld lis"en O, *!urse( "he 8"ri*+y9 "hin$ is( e are8"he "ri*+s"er9( s! ha" e say may a*"ually be "rue( !r i" *!uld bea "ri*+

Bu" d!n@" !rry ab!u" "ha" n!U e@ll le" y!u s!r" "ha" !u" heny!u are aa+e and s!ber in "he m!rnin$

Anyay( e +n! ha"@s $!in$ !n in y!ur #sy*he( man Y!u@rein y!ur ,!r"ies Y!u ha.e a i,e and "! +ids Y!u ha.e ay "!!mu*h deb" Y!ur ardr!be en" ,r!m *i"y-sli*+ "! *!un"ry-bum#+in Y!u ha.e a h!use i"h "! m!re bedr!!ms "han y!ureally need and a "!! bi$ lan Y!ur +ids e.en ,!und y!ur !ld*!lle*"i!n !, Fan"as"i* F!ur *!mi*s and *!l!red all !.er "hemi"h mar+ers Y!u ,eel [email protected] l!s" s!me"hin$ And( y!u@re,rea+ed

We als! +n! "ha" s!me ni$h"s [email protected] heard us bayin$ !u" in "hem!!nli$h" hile [email protected] "ried "! slee# [email protected] heard us and"h!u$h" e s!und li+e "he #re.i!usly men"i!ned ,ra"-$uys And(ins"ead !, "hin+in$ !, "ha" anal!$y and lau$hin$ i" !,,( y!u ,eel/eal!us Y!u remember all !, "h!se +e$$ers in "he !!ds i"hy!ur buddies Y!u remember drin+in$ "! e7*ess li+e "!ni$h"(i"h!u" all !, "he #sy*h!"i* yellin$ a" "he lanD Y!u remember"h!se ni$h"s !, sl!bbery $r!#in$ i"h $irls in "he dar+ened !!ds!r in "he ba*+sea" !, y!ur *ar And n! "ha" y!ur li,e is s! s"aid

and #redi*"able - y!u ,ind y!u miss "ha" s"u,,

We $e" i" We l!.e !ur li,es"yle( "!!; Slee# all-day 4e" u# in "hela"e a,"ern!!n( rumma$e ,!r s!me $rub !r $rubsD and "hen hi"


69/76

"he s"ree"s !r !!dsD and l!!+ ,!r ,un in !ur *ase( m!re ,!!dand beer We@re alays surr!unded by a $r!u# !, ,emale*!y!"es( bar+in$ and ,lir"in$ i"h us I"@s #re""y damn aes!me

Bu"( y!u +n! ha" Fran+6 Y!u *an /!in us Sure( /us" ,!r !neni$h" The i,e and +ids are i"h her m!"her We@re al!ne N!!ne ill +n! We *!uld use s!me ne bl!!d S! $! ,!r i"( le"@s$! r!m#in$;

Tha"@s i" Fran+( $e" !u" !, bed We +n! "he $r!und is s#innin$ abi"( bu" i$n!re i"( y!u@ll $e" y!ur bearin$s in a ,e minu"es N! d!n@" #u+e h!ld i" ba*+K"here "ha"@s be""er

N!( !, *!urse( y!u *an@" $! *!y!"e-r!m#in$ in y!ur sea"-#an"sand "-shir" N! ay Y!u need "! $e" na+ed *!nne*" i"h "ha"inner-ild animal Tha"@s i" "hr! aay "h!se symb!ls !,*!n,!rmi"y )e" y!ursel, r!am ,ree I +n! i"@s a bi" *!!l !u"( bu"a,"er runnin$ ar!und !n all ,!urs ,!r an h!ur !r "!( y!u@ll armu# and be $lad "ha" y!u@re s"ar+-na+ed Oh( ha"@s "ha"6 O,*!urse y!u need "! run !n all ,!urs( y!u@re a *!y!"e n!( damni"C!me !n Fran+( "ime "! "hin+ !u"side-"he-b!7 Tha"@s i" N! "ry

runnin$ ar!und in a *ir*le( l!!+ !u" ,!r "ha" ,l!!r-lam#Kh!!#s

2!n@" !rry ab!u" i"( /us" a.!id "he $lass O+ay( n! le"@s heary!u bay le"@s hear y!u *ry !u" li+e a ,rea+in@ ild *!y!"e 2!n@"!rry ab!u" "he nei$hb!rs( "hey@re s!und aslee# 4! ,!r i";O+ayKell( #erha#s e *an !r+ !n "ha"

Are y!u ready "! *!me !u" and hi" "he ild ni$h"-li,e6 N!( d!n@"$! "hr!u$h "he ind! Y!u sh!uld $! !u" "he d!!r( s! y!u d!n@"brea+ any"hin$ else Maybe $! !u" "hr!u$h "he +i"*hen d!!r

We@ll mee" y!u !n "he ba*+ #a"i! [email protected] s"ill $!" "hree h!ursun"il dan l!"s !, ,un and ,r!li*+in$ "! be had We@re ai"in$K

Oh( by "he ay Fran+( *an y!u $rab "ha" !"her si7-#a*+ in y!ur,rid$e !n "he ay !u"6 Than+s( man

1ublished !n )onkey'icycleebsi"e %&&QD


70/76

#o +ow You're a "hera/istC!n$ra"ula"i!ns; [email protected] ,inished y!ur $radua"e *lasses Y!uha.e y!ur di#l!ma [email protected] *!m#le"ed y!ur in"ernshi#s N!y!u3re ready "! s"ar" seein$ *lien"s Well( alm!s" There are a,e m!re "hin$s e need "! im#ar" "! y!u be,!re y!u *an han$"he #la*ard !n y!ur !,,i*e d!!r "ha" says0 8Thera#is"9

Firs" !, all( y!u need "! *han$e y!ur hair Yes( i"3s a #er,e*"ly ,inehair-*u"( bu" i"3s "!! ,la" As a "hera#is" y!u need ,ri


71/76

!, nea"ly hand-ri""en n!"es Bu"( ,r!m s"rai$h"-!n( i" is a*"ually$ames !, S!du+u S!du+u is a $rea" ay !, +ee#in$ y!ur brainaler" and in *!ndi"i!n ,!r "h!se m!men"s hen y!ur *lien" 8mi$h"9re.eal s!me"hin$ !, si$ni,i*an*eU su*h as a lurid a,,air !r "he ,a*""ha" he !r she +ee#s a bea.er *!s"ume in "heir *l!se" and li+es "!ear i" hen "hey dan*e "heir li""le ,r!li*+in$ animal dan*e ,!r"heir ,!res" !, animal ,riends N!" "ha" "here is any"hin$ r!n$i"h belie.in$ in and( a*"ually( !rshi#in$ a small mena$erie !,in.isible animals "ha" li.e in y!ur *l!se" and !nly *!me !u" "!dan*e ,!r y!u )!"s !, #er,e*"ly sane #e!#le l!.e "! ,r!li*( ri$h"6I see "hey "au$h" y!u in $radua"e s*h!!l h! "! n!d =uie"ly and

in-"!ne 8Mmm9 and 8h-huh9 A*"ually( y!u are =ui"e $!!d a" i"

4!!d lu*+( Thera#is";

1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roastebsi"e %&&QD

) A (lad M$ Childhood!reas !id +ot Coe "rue

I wanted to be the +iH )illion /ollar )an.

I am married and di.!r*ed se.eral "imes Ea*h !, my i.esbe*!me in*reasin$ly ann!yed i"h "he *!ns"an" d!-d!-d!-d!-d! s!und I ma+e hen I li,"( run( s"are a"( !r lis"en "! s!me"hin$

My n!n-bi!ni* le," arm a"r!#hies due "! la*+ !, use( ma+in$ mel!!+ !ddly l!#sided Then as I rea*h "he a$e !, ,i,"y( my bi!ni*limbs be$in "! s"i,,en and *rea+ i"h !.eruse s! I al+ i"h a$im# and *rea+ li+e a rus"y "ru*+ I de*ide "! hire a layer andsue "he d!*"!rs h! "urned me in"! a hal,-r!b!"i* ,rea+ Sin*e Iha.e been unem#l!yed ,!r se.eral years I "ry "! $e" a l!an based!n "he si7 milli!n d!llars I am !r"h Finally( I *!mmi" sui*idehen I reali


72/76

The -Ray S#e*s *!nsis" !, #las"i* ,rames i"h *ardb!ard lenses"ha" ha.e a h!le ,illed i"h red-"hreads The ad su$$es"s "ha" Iill be able "! see "hr!u$h $irl3s *l!"hin$ am!n$s" !"her "hin$sThe !nly ay I *an see "hr!u$h any"hin$ is i, a #ers!n iss"andin$ in ,r!n" !, a bri$h" li$h" And "hen I !nly see ashad!ed !u"line Sin*e I am n! s"u*+ earin$ "hese "hin$s,!r "he res" !, my li,e( I am !s"ra*i


73/76

Hell! "iny humans;N! "ha" y!ur m!"hers are $!ne( le" me in"r!du*e mysel, I am2i!nysus( $!d !, ine( ins#irer !, ri"ual madness and e*s"asy(als! +n!n as Ba**hus and "he )ibera"!r I am "he #a"r!n dei"y!, a$ri*ul"ure and "he "hea"er My di.ine missi!n is "! usher ,!r"h"he beau"i,ul musi* !, "he aul!s s! as "! brin$ an end "! *are and!rry

And( li""le B!bby 1a7"!n( "! ma+e y!ur #ar"y ,!r "urnin$ ,!ursu#er-du#er ,un;

F!r s"ar"ers le"3s re.ie "he lis" !, liba"i!ns !,,ered a" "his miniba**hanalia )i""le B!bby( #lease "ell me "ha" is a ,ine heady andr!bus" merl!" in "h!se *u#s and n!" *ranberry /ui*e *!*+"ailH! *an e e7#e*" "! s"ri# !ursel.es !, all !, !ur s!*ialin,luen*es and inhibi"i!ns i"h!u" a $l!ri!us liber"y-,reein$.in"a$e6E7*use me( smallish !man( ha" is y!ur name6

Yes( Mar$are"( hile I a##re*ia"e y!ur #redile*"i!n "!ard,ul,illin$ !ne3s #rimal need "! *!nsume "ha" hi*h #leases y!u(li""le B!bby3s m!"her demanded "ha" I +ee# y!u li""le beas"saay ,r!m "he bir"hday *a+e There is a line( Mar$are"( be"eenunbridled hed!nism and /us" #lain !ld $lu""!ny And I mus" say,r!m "he si


74/76

2!n3" y!u +n! "ha" m!"hers are a si$ni,i*an" im#edimen" inli,e6 I sh!uld +n!( my m!"her as a mere m!r"al While "hedau$h"er !, a +in$( she as n!" a $!d( li+e my ,a"her :eus I3.ene.er li.ed "ha" d!n u# a" Olym#us 1lus m!ms *an #u" =ui"e"he dam#er !n a $!!d debau*hery-,illed #ar"yYes( "ha" is le!#ard s+in I am earin$ N!( I did n!" +ill "hele!#ard i"h my bare-hands Yes( I +n! "ha" )e!#ards li.e in"he /un$le )is"en( en!u$h i"h "he =ues"i!ns; And ill all !, y!udiminu"i.e +ids s"!# *ryin$ and $e" !u" ,r!m under "he "able;Where3s Mar$are"6 Oh $rea"( here *!me "he m!"hers; )i""leB!bby( hide my ines+in !, Riuni"e under "he *!u*h )is"en( le"3s

/us" ea" "he damn *a+e( I3ll $rab my #ay*he*+( and "hen I3m !u" !,here

Y!u +ids are im#!ssible;

1ublished !n )c+weeneysebsi"e %&&QD

"here Must Be %ift$ &a$s "o Heave Your Brother2or seven at a iniu7

O.er y!ur ba*+( Ga*+

Wi"h a "!-hand "!ss( G!ss

Wha" ab!u" a li""le l!b( B!b6

se a bi" !, he,"( Ge,,

As+ ,riends "! $i.e him a hurl( Earl

Be sure "! bend a" "he +nees( )ee

Try s!me C-( Elm!re

n#ublishedD


75/76

Interview with a Butler

1lease lis"en0 I as alays .ery l!yal "! Mas"er Ri*hie Ri*h -ri$h" "hr!u$h "! "he end As a bu"ler( I as "rained "! +n! ha""he hi$hes" de,ini"i!n !, l!yal"y is O, *!urse( Mas"er Ri*hie@sre*en" dea"h has been di,,i*ul" "! *!n"end i"h Bu"( [email protected] s#en" al!" !, "ime "hin+in$ ab!u" his murder and h! "he *ul#ri"s mi$h"

.ery ell be Ri*hie Ri*h !uld surely ha.e d!ne "he same ,!rme )e" me be *lear "h!u$h - I assure y!u "ha" I had n!"hin$ "!d! i"h his un"imely demise I am here "! se" "he re*!rd s"rai$h"

Th!se sla#dash m!ney-mana$ers !, Mas"er Ri*hie@s( "hey ere"he real +illers They *!uldn@" sell *ha#eau7 a" a haberdasheryAll !, "heir #r!mises !, m!re billi!ns by in.es"in$ in all !, "h!sed!"-*!m *!m#anies( "ha"@s hen "he end be$an Ri*hie@s ri*hesere all l!s"( m!re m!ney "han any!ne ill e.er +n!

There ere !"her murderers( "!!( li+e "h!se hea"hens !, "he*!mi* b!!+ business And( Ri*hie@s damn layers The !nesh! i$n!red "he *lause in his *!mi* b!!+ *!n"ra*" "ha" said( 8y!uill ,!r,ei" all ri$h"s and remunera"i!n@s hen and i, y!ur yearlyin*!me dr!#s bel! P&&(&&&9 Tha" as i" While his *ar"!!nima$e en" !n "! #lay i"h Ri*hie@s ,i*"i!nal billi!ns( "he realRi*hie m!.ed in"! a !ne-r!!m ,la"

Bu"( I remained l!yal Alays did I@ll "ell y!u( m!s" em#l!yees

!uld "urn-"ail and run ,!r "he hills hen "heir em#l!yer as n!l!n$er able "! *!m#ensa"e "hem I s"ayed i"h Ri*hie( "h!u$h Isaid "! mysel,( 8Hu$h Cadbury( "he Ri*h@s ha.e alays "rea"edy!u ell( And( Ri*hie has alays been able "! $e" himsel, !u" !,di,,i*ul" si"ua"i!ns Y!u sh!uld li.e u# "! y!ur bu"ler-!a"h ands"i*+ i" !u" i"h him9 S!( I did I "!!+ u# residen*e !n "he *!u*hin "ha" !ne-r!!m ,la"

The drin+in$ as an issue( !, *!urse Ri*hie ,!und a dee#

a,,e*"i!n ,!r Ga*+ 2aniel@s His drin+in$ be*ame !rse a,"er he"ried "! re-$ain n!"!rie"y by da"in$ "!! many .is*!us s"arle"sBu"( !, *!urse hen "hey ,!und !u" he didn@" ha.e any m!ney("hey dr!##ed him li+e yes"erday@s Wall S"ree" G!urnal I" be*ame


76/76

a bi" #a"he"i* In "he mids" !, a drun+en s"u#!r( I remember him#leadin$ "! me0 8H! d! y!u ma+e m!ney i"h!u" ha.in$m!ney69

Sure( I had my l!yal"y "es"ed There ere many m!men"s henI "h!u$h"( 8Hu$h( m@b!y( y!u *!uld li.e be""er "han "his - ma+in$ba+ed beans and *anned br!n bread ,!r an al*!h!li* bl!nd-hairb!y h! ill a##aren"ly ne.er $r! u#9 Sure I had "h!u$h"s !,hel#in$ him !u" by sm!"herin$ "he ,!!l Bu"( I s"u*+ i" !u"

The nail in "he *!,,in( s! "! s#ea+( as hen "ha" mis$uided b!y"h!u$h" "! re-s"ru*"ure his ima$e and ma+e a *!meba*+ I ha.e

"! admi" "ha" I *!unseled !"herise The idea !, be*!min$ ahi"e ra##er as ill *!n*ei.ed a" bes" Bu"( he en" ,!rardHis !ne album 81!@B!y Blues(9 as e.ery!ne +n!s( ,l!##ed -re/e*"ed by "he ra# *!mmuni"y ,!r bein$ insul"in$ S!me"hin$ab!u" Ri*hie@s lamen"able idea !, ri"in$ s!n$s *!n*ernin$ hise7#erien*e !, 8!##ressi!n9 in $!in$ ,r!m ri*h "! #!!r

And y!u *an be sure I as u#se" ab!u" "ha" ar"i*le in R!llin$S"!ne The !ne here he blamed my bass #layin$ as "he

reas!n his album en" belly-u# Wh! !uldn@" be ,uri!us a,"ers#endin$ s! many years bein$ a *!n"ri"e( !bedien"( and yesl!yal( ser.an" and "hen read in a ma$a

a brief conversation with my hair

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