a grief support newsletter community grief and counseling center t he life of a child changes...

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SUMMER 2010 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 4 A n independent woman, Margaret Guerrero possessed a dry sense of humor, a positive attitude and, although private, she was deeply connected to many. “When my aunt Margaret was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC), we thought that after her treatment she would be cancer free for at least two years, but the cancer came back within two months of her last chemo treatment. At that point her oncologist suggested hospice care because there were no further treatment options available,” said Caroline Villegas. Before Margaret was admitted into hos- pice care, she participated in counseling at the Community Grief and Counseling Center at Hospice of the Valley. “Margaret always cared about everyone else before herself,” said Caroline. “Participating in counseling at the Center, Margaret learned to communicate better with us and other people in her life, and it also helped her to get clear on what she wanted. My mother, Carmen, and my sister, Carla and I were not Margaret’s next of kin. But she wanted us to take care of her. And because of this, my mother, who was Margaret’s caregiver could also partake in anticipatory- and post-grief counseling. My mother and Margaret were like sisters and my mother also being a cancer survivor knew what Margaret was going through. Counseling helped my mother deal with Margaret’s situation. In our culture, there are many views about death— for one, if you speak about it, you are asking it to come to your door. Complicating this, my aunt’s family spans several generations; her father, who is still alive, was 100 years old when she died. He did not understand cancer, and especially hospice. And her siblings wanted her to fight and not give up. And to the small children we had to explain what was happening. We and Margaret knew that quality of life, which hospice care provided, was more important to her than quantity. Counseling helped Margaret navigate the family dynamics and get clear about who she wanted in the room at the time of her death, and how she wanted her life celebrated after she was gone. She didn’t want sadness at her funeral. She wanted music, tacos, Starbucks coffee, and her cake from Peter’s Bakery. Margaret wanted her memorial to be a celebration of her life. And because the counseling helped Margaret communicate better, we were able to talk to her and learn that the fears we thought she had, weren’t her fears at all. I thought she was con- cerned about dying, but that wasn’t her concern. Her concern was ‘how are you guys going to be when I leave? I’m going to be in a better place with no more pain and with family members who I haven’t seen in a long time.’ Her view was completely different from what we thought her fears were. How were we going to survive and who would take care of her parents was what she really wanted to know? With the help of her coun- selor, Debbie, Margaret was able to express these concerns not only to us but to her family. We all told her that she had nothing to worry about. That we would be fine and her parents would be taken care of. That’s what was great about counseling— she was able to express her real fears to us.” Counseling and the Extended Family—A Niece’s Story By Ana Hays A GRIEF SUPPORT NEWSLETTER WHAT’S INSIDE Counseling and the Extended Family— A Niece’s Story 1 Book Review 2 Profile 3 Hakone Gardens Annual Memorial Event 3 Events and Grief Support Groups 4 Caroline Villegas, niece of Margaret Guerrero Ana Hays

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Page 1: A GRIEF SUPPORT NEWSLETTER COMMUNITY GRIEF AND COUNSELING CENTER T he life of a child changes significantly when a parent dies. The death of a parent impacts children’s emotional

SUMMER 2010VOLUME 2 • ISSUE 4

An independent woman, Margaret Guerrero possessed a dry sense of humor, a positive

attitude and, although private, she was deeplyconnected to many.

“When my aunt Margaret was diagnosed withInflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC), we thought thatafter her treatment she would be cancer free for atleast two years, but the cancer came back withintwo months of her last chemo treatment. At thatpoint her oncologist suggested hospice carebecause there were no further treatment optionsavailable,” said Caroline Villegas.

Before Margaret was admitted into hos-pice care, she participated in counselingat the Community Grief and CounselingCenter at Hospice of the Valley.

“Margaret always cared about everyoneelse before herself,” said Caroline.“Participating in counseling at the Center,Margaret learned to communicate betterwith us and other people in her life,and it also helped her to get clear onwhat she wanted. My mother, Carmen,and my sister, Carla and I were not Margaret’s next of kin. But shewanted us to take care of her. Andbecause of this, my mother, who wasMargaret’s caregiver could also partakein anticipatory- and post-grief counseling.

My mother and Margaret were like sisters and mymother also being a cancer survivor knew whatMargaret was going through. Counseling helpedmy mother deal with Margaret’s situation.

In our culture, there are many views about death—for one, if you speak about it, you are asking it to

come to your door. Complicating this, my aunt’sfamily spans several generations; her father, whois still alive, was 100 years old when she died. Hedid not understand cancer, and especially hospice.And her siblings wanted her to fight and not giveup. And to the small children we had to explainwhat was happening. We and Margaret knew thatquality of life, which hospice care provided, wasmore important to her than quantity. Counselinghelped Margaret navigate the family dynamics andget clear about who she wanted in the room at thetime of her death, and how she wanted her lifecelebrated after she was gone. She didn’t wantsadness at her funeral. She wanted music, tacos,Starbucks coffee, and her cake from Peter’sBakery. Margaret wanted her memorial to be a celebration of her life.

And because the counseling helped Margaretcommunicate better, we were able to talk to herand learn that the fears we thought she had,weren’t her fears at all. I thought she was con-cerned about dying, but that wasn’t her concern.Her concern was ‘how are you guys going to be when I leave? I’m going to be in a better placewith no more pain and with family members who I haven’t seen in a long time.’ Her view was completely different from what we thought herfears were. How were we going to survive andwho would take care of her parents was what shereally wanted to know? With the help of her coun-selor, Debbie, Margaret was able to express theseconcerns not only to us but to her family. We alltold her that she had nothing to worry about. Thatwe would be fine and her parents would be takencare of. That’s what was great about counseling—she was able to express her real fears to us.”

Counseling and the Extended Family—A Niece’s StoryBy Ana Hays

A G R I E F S U P P O RT N E W S L E T T E R

W H A T ’ S I N S I D E

Counseling and theExtended Family—A Niece’s Story 1

Book Review 2

Profile 3

Hakone GardensAnnual Memorial Event 3

Events and Grief Support Groups 4

Caroline Villegas, niece of Margaret Guerrero

Ana H

ays

Page 2: A GRIEF SUPPORT NEWSLETTER COMMUNITY GRIEF AND COUNSELING CENTER T he life of a child changes significantly when a parent dies. The death of a parent impacts children’s emotional

2 C O M M U N I T Y G R I E F A N D C O U N S E L I N G C E N T E R

T he life of a child changessignificantly when a parent

dies. The death of a parentimpacts children’s emotionallives and frequently results inchildren feeling sadness, anger,anxiety, and guilt. The changesa family experience when a parent diesalter the family structure andbalance andcan create confusion andinsecurity.

In his book Children and Grief—When a ParentDies, J. William Worden discusses the findings of the Harvard Child Bereavement Study ofwhich he is a co-principal investigator. The studyconsists of interviews with 70 families who had125 children school aged children among them.All experienced the death of a parent. The children’s ages ranged between the 6 and 17.Both the parent and children were interviewed.Additionally, Worden compared the grieving children to children who are not grieving. Theoutcome of the study provides helpful information about themourning process of children who have lost a parent, the lifechanges they go through, how they respond, and the mediatorsof bereavement. Worden includes valuable information on counseling and interventions for grieving children and he presentsthis information against the back drop of previous studies on children’s grief. Worden found that the best predicator of achild’s adjustment was the functioning level of the surviving parent.He also presents information on children who have lost a parentto divorce and children who have lost a sibling and comparesthese losses to grieving children who have lost a parent.

Worden educates his readers on the wide range of griefresponses children have. Many children adjust well without any

special intervention. However, the Harvard Child BereavementStudy of school aged children in the Boston area revealed thatone-third of the bereaved children studied fell into a risk categoryat some time during the two year study. Worden advocatesusing a preventive screening tool to identify these at risk childrenearly on and provide interventions which will help reduce theimpact of the loss. This screening tool, which is given to the surviving parent rather than the child him/herself, is provided

in his book, alongwith other screeningtools that may behelpful in identifyingat risk children.

J. William WordenPhD, ABPP, is awell-known authorand lecturer ongrief and loss. Heholds academicappointments at HarvardMedical Schooland the RosemeadGraduate School of Psychology inCalifornia. He has

a clinical practice in Newport Beach, California. For professionalsworking with bereaved children who have lost a parent, thisbook will be invaluable in both identifying and mediating riskfactors. For single parents with grieving children, this book will provide essential information onhow children react to the death of a parent as well as helpful tools for supporting your child after such a significant loss. I highly recommend it.

Children and Grief—When a Parent DiesBy J. William WordenReviewed by Laura Larson, LCSW

BO O K RE V I E W

The author pictured with Hospice of the Valley staff at the annualCompassion in Action conference, March 25-26th. From left to right:Sally Adelus, president and CEO; Laura Larson, grief counselor andintern supervisor; J. William Worden, PhD; and Brad Leary, director ofsocial services and counseling.

Jefferson Dela C

ruz

“Worden found that the

best predicator of a

child’s adjustment was the

functioning level of the

surviving parent. ”

Page 3: A GRIEF SUPPORT NEWSLETTER COMMUNITY GRIEF AND COUNSELING CENTER T he life of a child changes significantly when a parent dies. The death of a parent impacts children’s emotional

3A G R I E F S U P P O R T N E W S L E T T E R • S U M M E R 2 0 1 0

Rebecca Lewis, MFT Trainee

How does a native Californiandecide to attend the University

of Wisconsin? “I was recruited torow for the women’s rowing team,”said Rebecca Lewis, who graduatedwith a BS in sociology. “When Igraduated with my degree I beganmy career in wellness as a personaltrainer, and then moved into lifecoaching. It was during that timethat I realized I needed more

schooling and enrolled at JFK University in Campbell to studymarriage and family therapy because psychology was ofinterest to me. It is joy to study my passion.”

With a history of family losses,Rebecca wanted to focus herarea of interest on grief therapyand met Laura Larson, grief counselor and intern supervisor at the Community Grief andCounseling Center, at an internship fair. “We talked, there was a fit, and I chose toconduct my field placement at the Center. I have learned somuch from Laura, and from my clients about how precious life is. And I admire the courage my clients have to heal fromtheir grief.”

At the Center, Rebecca has worked with groups from the Littlesto the Widows/ Widowers. “In the Widows/Widowersgroup, it’s obvious that I’m a bit younger than most, and I’mnot married. I believe it works because of my training andauthenticity as well as having the confidence to know that Idon’t have to have walked the same path as they, but that I am there to hold the space for them to do their grief work.And I also offer clients hope—with the recognition that theirloss has changed their lives, which will never be the sameagain. Together we’ll navigate their lives towards joy.”

Rebecca will become part of our permanent staff in September.

Memorials are created in remembrance of our loved oneswho have died. They are created not only to remember

them, but also to keep a part of them alive within us. Creatingand participating in a ritual that expresses our feelings is anexcellent way to remember, and an active way of contributingto the healing process of our grief. When we create a timethat is meaningful for us and are able to share and includeothers in this process, weare not only experiencinghealing, but we are alsosharing in the healingprocess of those fellowtravelers who walk theirown road of grief.

Hospice of the Valley’sannual memorial service will be held onWednesday, June 9 at6:00 PM at Hakone Gardens in Saratoga. It will be a programof music, reflection and remembrances of the special peoplewho have died over the last year. In addition to all the familieswho have lost a loved one, Hospice of the Valley staff, nurses,social workers, chaplains and respite support volunteers areinvited to attend and participate. We look forward to sharingthis time with you at Hakone Gardens—a peaceful Japaneseestate nestled in the verdant hills of Saratoga overlookingSilicon Valley.

Hakone Gardens—Annual Memorial Event

Hospice of the Valley 2009 Annual Memorial Event

Hospice of the Valley Garden 2009 Annual Memorial Event

Underwritten by:

Jean

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un

Jean

ne W

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“I also offer clients hope—

with the recognition that

their loss has changed

their lives . . .”A

na Hays

Page 4: A GRIEF SUPPORT NEWSLETTER COMMUNITY GRIEF AND COUNSELING CENTER T he life of a child changes significantly when a parent dies. The death of a parent impacts children’s emotional

Events and Grief Support Groups 2010June 2010Hakone Gardens

An Evening of RemembranceWednesday, June 9, 6 – 7:30 p.m.

Community Grief and Counseling Center–Support GroupsBeginning the week of June 21nd

WeeklyMondays: Partner Loss, Parent Loss, Widows/Widowers,

Teen Group

Wednesdays: Kids Groups, Partner Loss

Fridays: Child Loss (Women’s Group)

Twice Monthly2nd Wednesday and 4th Wednesday: Step by Step

Second Year Partner Loss Group

4850 Union Avenue l San Jose, California 95124408.559.5600 l hospicevalley.org

The journey of grief has many faces

and affects each of us

NONPROFIT ORGUS POSTAGE

PAIDSAN JOSE CA

PERMIT NO. 5031

We are often asked at the Community Griefand Counseling Center how people can support ourcommunity programs. Support comes from grantsand generous gifts from donors. All services at theCenter are available to the community on a slidingscale and donations help to provide services to children and adults who are greatly in need.

If you would like to make a contribution to the Center, donations can be made online at hospicevalley.org/cgccsp10.

For More Information please call, 408.559.5600 ext. 5460