a history of aperture science

8/11/2019 A History of Aperture Science

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Aperture Science: A History

1953 Aperture Science begins operations as a manufacturer of shower curtains. Early product lineprovides a very low-tech portal between the inside and outside of your shower. Very little science isactually involved. The name is chosen to make the curtains appear more hygienic.

1956 Eisenhower administration awards Aperture a contract to provide shower curtains to all branchesof the military ecept the !avy.

1957 - 1973 "ostly shower curtains.

1974 Aperture #ounder and $E%& $ave 'ohnson& is eposed to mercury while secretly developing adangerous mercury-in(ected rubber sheeting from which he plans to manufacture seven deadly shower

curtains to be given as gifts to each member of the )ouse !aval Appropriations committee.

1976 *oth of $ave 'ohnson+s kidneys fail. *rain damaged& dying& and incapable of being convincedthat time is not now flowing backwards& 'ohnson lays out a three-tier , program. The results& hesays& will /guarantee the continued success of Aperture Science far into the fast-approaching distantpast.0

1. The )eimlich $ounter-"aneuver A reliable techni2ue for interrupting the life-saving )eimlich"aneuver.

3. The Take-A-4ish #oundation A charitable organi5ation that will purchase wishes from theparents of terminally ill children and redistribute them to wish-deprived but otherwise healthyadults.

6. /Some kind of rip in the fabric of space7that would7well& it+d be like& 8 don+t know& somethingthat would help with the shower curtains 8 guess. 8 haven+t worked this idea out as much as the

wish-taking one.0

1981 iligent Aperture engineers complete the )eimlich $ounter-"aneuver and Take-A-4ish#oundation initiatives. The company announces products related to the research in a lavish& televisedceremony. These products immediately become wildly unpopular. After a very public string of chokingand despondent sick child disasters& senior company officials are summoned before a Senateinvestigative committee. uring these proceedings& an engineer mentions that some progress has beenmade on 9Tier 69& the /man-si5ed ad hoc 2uantum tunnel through physical space with possibleapplications as a shower curtain.0 The committee is 2uickly and permanently recessed& and Aperture isgranted an open-ended contract to continue research on the /:ortal0 and 9)eimlich $ounter-"aneuver9pro(ects in secret.

1981-1985 4ork progresses on the /:ortal0 pro(ect. Several high ranking #atah personnel choke todeath on lamb chunks despite the intervention of their bodyguards.

1986 4ord reaches Aperture management that another defense contractor called *lack "esa isworking on a similar portal technology. 8n response to this news& Aperture begins developing the ;enetic


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The Three Pillars of Aperture Science accor!in" to #a$e %ohnson&:illar one? Science without results is (ust witchcraft.:illar two? ;et results or you@re fired.:illar three? if you suspect a coworker of bein@ a witch& report them immediately. 8 cannot stress thatenough. 4itchcraft will not be tolerated.

#'()*+,(T*A%ctober 1th& 1BC,e? )uman Enrichment Testing 8nitiative& ,esource Ac2uisitions

1. 9. ,ecent advances in the useof scorn& flattery used in an ironic contet and naked contempt as motivational tools have yieldedsimilarly profitable results.

c. :sychiatric :atients:ast eperience shows these fellows are simply not shy at all about carrying on& disrupting tests anddefecating (ust about anywhere that pleases them. #rankly& it is off-putting& and small wonder whyAperture-brand mental institutions are being phased out in favor of more orphanages.

d. Seniors#rail& brittle hands make holding science devices difficult. "ost were born before the advent of science&and can become confused and disoriented when asked to participate in relatively simple tests

=teleportation& invisibility& ad(usting esteem levels of orphan children>.

D


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a history of aperture science

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