a life in a day of leah montise

A Life in a Day of Leah Montise Zachary Adams

This show is centered around the main character, Leah Montise. In each different scene, Leah wakes up in a different time and place. She must struggle to overcome different challenges faced in each situation. She soon realizes that each day she has to make new friends to help her overcome the numerous problems which she faces. The play is filled with quick wit from the actors and actress to create a comical atmosphere with some serious undertones. Scene One: Doppleganger

LEAH MONTISE SECRETARY LEAH 2 MELANIE SECURITY GUARD

Scene Two: Purrfect Life LEAH MONTISE PHI PHI Kitten 15 MELANIE

Scene Three: Zombies, Love and War LEAH MONTISE GOLDIE SEGOL EVELINE NORBERT DEAN GRANDMA 34 Zombies

Scene Four: I Have No Clue LEAH MONTISE BOFA MONTISE LUCAS AMANDA QUEEN ELIZABETH 1

Scene Five: There's Nothing LEAH MONTISE MELANIE


Doppleganger The scene opens in an office. People are working at desks on stuff. LEAH walks in from stage left and is met by a SECRETARY. SECRETARY: Hi can I get your name or see your ID card? LEAH: Oh. Is Monica not here anymore? SECRETARY: She's no longer working here. She got a job at the White House! LEAH: Wow. Anyway my name is Leah. SECRETARY: Montise? LEAH: Yup. That's me! SECRETARY: Um. Hmmm. No. I don't think so. I checked you in about a half hour ago. LEAH: That's impossible. I haven't checked in yet. Maybe you checked in the wrong person. SECRETARY: I don't think so. Let me contact Mr. Spielburger. SECRETARY picks up the phone and mumbles incoherently. He said I can just let you in. It's probably just a system error. LEAH: Thanks. Have a nice day! LEAH calmly walks to her desk and goes to set her bag down but notices a bag in a similar fashion is already there. LEAH 2: Hi. I'm sorry you must be new. This is my desk. But don't worry. It's fine I forgive you. LEAH: Um. No. You must be mistaken. My name is Leah this is my desk. See. Those are my papers. And that's my name tag. See. Leah Montise LEAH 2: Quietly. Listen you soggy piece of bread. This is my desk. So scram. At a normal tone again . Sorry for any inconvenience. MELANIE one of LEAH’s friend’s walks towards the desk. MELANIE: Hey Leah. LEAH and LEAH 2: Hey Guuuuurl MELANIE: Woah. Is this your sister or something? LEAH 2: No. I have no clue who she is. Must be a newbie. LEAH: MELANIE you can't believe her. Come on. It's me. LEAH. MELANIE: Um. I'm sorry but you're not Leah. The real Leah brought me my favorite coffee this morning. A grande, nonfat, no whip, no sugar, extra hot, Cinnamon dolce latte with an extra espresso shot, two pumps of vanilla flavor, one pump of caramel flavor and a smiley face drawn on top with freshly steamed Peruvian goat milk. LEAH 2: That's right. Listen ma’am, if you don't actually work here I'm going to have to call security, so you need to go to your desk or leave. LEAH; Melanie, I’m the real Leah.


MELANIE: Okay. Tell me about Brad. LEAH: Brad was our childhood bully who then turned into my boyfriend and then turned into my exboyfriend who then became your boyfriend and then your exboyfriend. MELANIE: And what did he do in Barns and Noble on October third 2006? LEAH 2: He peed his pants from laughing at a Paula Deen cookbook. MELANIE: See she’s the real Leah. Melanie points to Leah 2. LEAH: Oh. My. God. Melanie. It's me. I'm LEAH. How do you think this useless paperclip is me? LEAH 2 and MELANIE look at each other momentarily and then scream in unity. LEAH 2 and MELANIE: Securityyyyyyyyyyyy SECURITY GUARD enters stage right. SECURITY GUARD: Yea? LEAH 2: This girl is some sort of imposter and claims that she is me. Remove her. SECURITY GUARD: Lady if you don't leave I'll have to escort you out. LEAH: LISTEN GERALD. ITS ME. LEAH. LEAH FREAKING MONTISE. IVE WORKED HERE FOR 5 YEARS. EVERY MONDAY YOU COME IN AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ABOUT HOW YOUR WIFE RUINED DATE NIGHT BY SHOWING UP TO THE RESTAURANT INTOXICATED AND EVERY TIME I TELL YOU TO DIVORCE HER AND THEN YOU GIVE ME THE SAME SPEECH ABOUT HOW TRUE LOVE WILL WORK OUT IN THE END. WELL GUESS WHAT. ITS NOT TRUE LOVE AND IT'S THE END. SECURITY GUARD: You have five seconds to get out of this office before I. I. I. I....... Guard begins to sob uncontrollably and office workers look onward at LEAH with disapproving looks. MELANIE: Wow. I can't believe you. LEAH: No. Wait. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. Please. Wait. No. Office members comfort the guard and walk off with him. All but LEAH and LEAH 2 exit. LEAH: You! LEAH runs towards LEAH 2 but trips and falls. LEAH 2: Ha. Ha. Ha. I've done it your life is ruined. Hahahahahahahahahah. Takes in huge gulp of air. Mwhhhhhhahahahahaha. LEAH 2 runs off with the rest of cast. LEAH: Why. Why me. What did I do. The only thing I ever did wrong was back when I was three and I pushed my twin sister down the slide at the kiddy park. Oh. Beat. Crap. Lights down.


Purrfect Life Lights up. A large bed is at stage left and LEAH is laying on the bed and wakes up. LEAH: Oh my! What a beautiful day. I think I’ll go downstairs and make a vegan non gmo breakfast for two, erm, one. As LEAH gets up, PHI PHI enters stage left PHI PHI: Meow Meow Meow. LEAH: Oh, PHI PHI, how are you today. You look like you might have those kittens any second now. PHI PHI lays on bed where LEAH was sleeping. Starts purring. LEAH pets her head gently, and then walks to the chair at center stage. LEAH: Oh Jeez. I left all my knitting yard out. Phi Phi did you play with my yarn. Leah picks up the yarn and places them back into the basket and looks at picture frames. LEAH: Phi Phi what happened to the picture of you with Santa Claus? Here's the one with you and Cupid, and here's the one with the Leprechaun, here's the one with Lady Liberty, here’s the one of you trick or treating. I wonder where that picture went. PHI PHI: Meow. MEEEEOOOOWWWW. PHI PHI gives birth to five kittens on the Bed LEAH: OH MY GOSH I BETTER CALL MY BOYFRIE oh wait, I’m single. All cats walk around the stage meowing annoyingly and brushing up against LEAH. LEAH: Well, I guess I could call Melanie. LEAH pulls out her cellphone and calls MELANIE. LEAH: OH MY GOD MELANIE YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED...no I’m still single...no I still don’t have a job...no I.. Melanie just get over here Phi Phi had kittens. LEAH: Oh my gosh. What will I do with all these cats. Doorbell. MELANIE enters by running from the back of the audience. MELANIE: Oh. My Gawd. Kittens. MELANIE rolls around with cats. LEAH: Melanie you know you could say hi before barging into my apartment. What if I had a boyfriend ove MELANIE: Let me stop you right there. You have six cats in your house. You don’t have a boyfriend. LEAH: Hey! That’s not nice. MELANIE: So what are you going to do with all these cats. LEAH: I don’t know. I don't want to give them up.


MELANIE: That’s true. But what if they run away from you like your last boyfriend. LEAH: True, well at least I have you as a close friend to stick with me throu MELANIE runs out of the house with a kitten. LEAH: Oh well, at least I have my cats. LEAH sits on bed with cats and Lights Go Down.


Zombies, Love and War LEAH wakes up in a dusty, dirty room which takes up half the stage. LEAH: Awe man I need to clean my room. GOLDIE rushes in with a chair as a weapon GOLDIE: Are you a zombie? LEAH: Yea totally. Brainnnnnnns. LEAH puts her arms up and crosses eyes and stuff. GOLDIE: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOLDIE runs towards LEAH and begins to swing the chair at her. LEAH: WOAH. I WAS JOKING. AGH. GOLDIE still runs towards LEAH swinging but stops right before hitting her. GOLDIE: If you’re not a zombie, prove it. LEAH: How? GOLDIE: Um. Well. As X approaches 0 and the function is 2 over 2x what is the limit? LEAH: Is this supposed to prove that I have the mental capacity to recognize a Mean Girls reference? GOLDIE: Well, Yeah. LEAH: Well the limit does not exist. GOLDIE: Okay. Congratulations! You’re not a zombie. LEAH: Yeah. So where are we? Or, when are we? GOLDIE: Well the year is 2020, Donald J Trump is president, and he just invaded Canada about three months ago. LEAH: People actually elected him? GOLDIE: Quietly. We don’t like to talk about it. LEAH: So, where are we? GOLDIE: You are currently in the newest Canadian territory: Newest York. It's a small little war torn place but it’s home. A loud shriek is heard from offstage LEAH: OH MY GOD. What was that? GOLDIE: I don’t know probably another zombie attack. LEAH: Did...did you just say Zombie attack? GOLDIE: Well Yea, once Russia took our side, England took America’s side and then Russia started launching nuclear weapons into the US and so the US made this virus and released it in Canada. The virus caused people to die, but then they started walking around like zombies.


LEAH: So let me get this straight, New York is now a part of Canada, Donald Trump is president, and WWIII started over maple syrup and Timbits? GOLDIE: Well Trump invaded Canada for their universal health care but I guess it wasn’t so universal. Enter NORBERT and EVELINE NORBERT: So who’s this? LEAH: Hi. I’m LEAH. EVELINE: I’m EVELINE and this is NORBERT. GOLDIE: Oh yea! Introductions. I’m GOLDIE, some people call me Goldo. NORBERT: So how did you get here? LEAH: I’m not quite sure. It’s been happening a lot lately. I just kinda wake up and it's a different day and I’m in a different place. EVELINE: Oh. GOLDIE: Seems normal. NORBERT: Hey LEAH can we have a moment. LEAH: We haven’t known each other that long but sure. NORBERT: No, like us. LEAH: Yea. I knew that. NORBERT, EVELINE, and GOLDIE huddle up. GOLDIE: What do you want? NORBERT: How do you know she’s a US spy? EVELINE: We could ask her. GOLDIE: I doubt she’s a spy. NORBERT: Really? She kinda just showed up out of nowhere and has no idea how she got here. She sounds like a spy with a really stupid cover up plan. GOLDIE: I guess. EVELINE: How could we find out if she is a spy. GOLDIE: We could take her snowboarding. Wasn’t that a US tactic for figuring out if a suspect is a spy? I mean we have plenty of snow up here. NORBERT: No that's waterboarding. EVELINE: Hey LEAH, are you a spy? LEAH: No. EVELINE: Good. She’s not a spy. NORBERT: THAT PROVES NOTHING


GOLDIE: I got an idea, What does a “Medium double double on the double” mean? LEAH: A medium coffee with two creams and two sugars as fast as you can because I’ve got to get these kids to Hockey practice before 7 because that's when the moose start crossing the streets. NORBERT: That worked. A loud shriek is heard and lights up on stage right, revealing GRANDMA and DEAN. DEAN: Come on GRANDMA the Zombies are coming. GRANDMA: But you’re still hungry, we have to go back and get you food. DEAN: GRANDMA, I said I was full three times. Now come on there’s a house right here. DEAN runs towards the house and bangs on the door. GRANDMA’s walker kicks out from under her and she falls. GRANDMA: Aghhhhh. Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. DEAN: Help let us in! LEAH: Woah should we help them. GOLDIE: I dunno. What if they got bit. NORBERT: Yea and that's two more mouths to feed on top of you. EVELINE: Guys we can’t just leave them. NORBERT: Come on hurry. Zombies enter and inch closer to GRANDMA. DEAN: Come on GRANDMA GRANDMA: I can’t get up. DEAN runs over and picks up GRANDMA’s legs and drags her towards the house but a zombie grabs her arm, DEAN falls. GRANDMA: Agh, my arm! NORBERT: She’s infected we can’t take her in now. GRANDMA: Run, Dean! Just leave me. DEAN: I would never leave you. GRANDMA: That’s what Grandpa said. LEAH: Are you guys seriously not going to help her at all? NORBERT: We can’t risk it. She’s too slow and frail. GRANDMA: My hearing aid is still on I can hear you. EVELINE: Please NORBERT, what if she was your GRANDMA? NORBERT: Fine EVELINE: Here get up we have to save your GRANDMA.


DEAN: Thanks you so much, come on Grandma. GRANDMA: AGHHHH, I’ve been bit. DEAN: GRANDMA, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Drops to knees. NORBERT: EVELINE, get back here, you’ll get infected. EVELINE: I can’t just leave them. GRANDMA gets pulled off stage by Zombie and DEAN lets out a high pitched scream and faints. EVELINE: GET UP. PLEASE. LEAH: Wait, let me help you. LEAH walks outside and GOLDIE begins to follow. But NORBERT slams the door. NORBERT: No More. You’re not leaving. I can’t lose everybody. GOLDIE: Who do you think you are. I can leave and help if I want to. Those are survivors. They are strong people who can help us with defenses and food. NORBERT: You’re not leaving. GOLDIE: Why? NORBERT: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Everybody stops including the zombies. GOLDIE: Take it back NORBERT: No, I love you. I’ve loved you this whole time. GOLDIE: Why? NORBERT: Because I love you! GOLDIE: Well I love me too! NORBERT: That’s not what you’re supposed to say! GOLDIE: Um, Thanks? NORBERT: Really? I just said I love you. GOLDIE: Awesome sauce. NORBERT: I. LOVE. YOU. GOLDIE: Woah zombies, cool. Characters resume. LEAH: Come on EVELINE we have to defeat these zombies. EVELINE: How? LEAH: Well how did you do it in the past? EVELINE: We used to use super soakers filled with maple syrup but we ended up drinking all the maple syrup. LEAH: Then we will have to use our wit and fists.


DEAN: Maybe let’s cut the chatter and do something. EVELINE: Well do you have an idea? DEAN: We could use guns or karate EVELINE: Wow someone’s from America. LEAH: Let’s just do it. It’s our only hope. Karate battle. Zombies are defeated EVELINE gets bit. LEAH: Let’s go, back to the house there will be more. DEAN: Hurry. The three furiously pound on the door. LEAH: GOLDIE, NORBERT, let us in! NORBERT: No, you could be infected. DEAN: None of us got bit. EVELINE: brainsssss LEAH: What? Genuinely couldn't hear her. EVELINE: BRAINSSSSSSSSSSSS EVELINE begins to bite DEAN but realizes he’s stupid. EVELINE: No Brainnnnnnnns LEAH: Let me in! Please! NORBERT: I CAN’T IF SHE GETS IN WE’LL BE DOMED. GOLDIE: Oh NORBERT I love you! NORBERT: Really? GOLDIE: Nope. GOLDIE slaps NORBERT and he falls to the ground. Come on. DEAN and LEAH run in. DEAN: Thanks. That was a close one. So, where are we? GOLDIE: I don’t know some place called a Morgue (pronounced Moregueh) LEAH: ARE WE IN A MORGUE? Zombies enter stage left. All scream. Lights down.


I Have No Clue Lights up on the bed in center stage. LEAH and BOFA are sound asleep. The faint sound of an alarm is heard. BOFA: Good morning beautiful LEAH: Good morning my BOFA bear. BOFA: You said you would stop calling me that. LEAH: Yea and you said your mother would like me after we got married but look at where we are now. Six years of marriage and Cheryl Montise hates my guts. BOFA: She does not. She only. Hates. A majority of your actions. LEAH: UGH. I WAS RIGHT. LIKE I ALWAYS AM. BOFA: Babe, what's that? BOFA points to a spot on LEAH’s body LEAH: Oh my god. DO I HAVE THE CHICKEN POX? BOFA: No only chicken can get those. LEAH: BOFA I SWEAR IF YOU THINK THIS IS TIME FOR A JOKE. BOFA: Wait there's just one little spider, it must have bit you. LEAH and BOFA make eye contact. LEAH screams and jumps out of the bed. LEAH: WE NEED TO CLEAN. CLEAN THE HOUSE. NOW. EVERYTHING. NOW. BOFA: Babe calm down. LEAH: NO THERE'S A SPIDER. SPIDERS MAKE WEBS AND I'M AFRAID OF SPIDERS. SO EITHER WE CLEAN OR I'M SETTING THE HOUSE ON FIRE. BOFA: Okay. We can clean. LEAH rips sheets off of the bed and BOFA falls off onto the floor. She then runs off stage while screaming. Their children, LUCAS and AMANDA enter stage right. LUCAS: Is mommy okay? AMANDA: Yea is she? BOFA: She's fine. Just there’s a spider AMANDA: Cool LUCAS: A SPIDER. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lusas runs offstage as LEAH runs back on. LEAH: Oh my god. Where is that spider? BOFA: LEAH. It´s gone. I killed it. AMANDA: Mom are you okay? LEAH: No. There's a spider in the room.


BOFA: No there isn´t. It’s dead. LEAH: Are you sure? BOFA: Yes. LUCAS: Is the spider gone? BOFA: Yes LEAH: Well I better put this mop away. LEAH exits stage right. Enter LUCAS. LUCAS: Hey, there's this weird lady downstairs. BOFA: Well who is it. LUCAS: I don't know it looked like grandma. It smelt like her too. BOFA: It can't be her. She's dead. Enter QUEEN ELIZABETH the First, her Royal Majesty. QUEEN: I am her Royal Majesty, the High and mighty QUEEN ELIZABETH the First of England and Ireland from the Tudor Dynasty, also known as the Virgin QUEEN or Good QUEEN Beth. BOFA: Um. Hi QUEEN: BOWETH TO ME THEE PEASANT, DOTH THEE NOT KNOWETH WHO IS’T I AM. HOW DARETH THEE HAS’T SUCH A WANT OF DISRESPECT. BOFA: I’m sorry. QUEEN: YOUR MAJESTY. BOFA: I’m sorry your majesty. QUEEN: Thou tottering sheepbiting measle! LUCAS: What? QUEEN: BOW TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE As this is said her voice should drop almost becoming demonic. LUCAS: I’m sorry your majesty. I beg your pardon your majesty. Please forgive me your royal majesty. QUEEN: Calmer. Well I quite liketh this one. Enter LEAH LEAH: BOFA I told you that we needed to QUEEN: BOW TO ME. LEAH: I do regally apologize your majesty. LEAH Curtsies. Is there anything I can do for you? QUEEN: Receiveth a bett'r husband. BOFA: Hey that’s


QUEEN, LEAH, and LUCAS: SILENCE, THE QUEEN HATH NOT PERMITTED YOU TO SPEAK. QUEEN: Oh joyous joy! I doth quite liketh these two! Beat . Who is't is yond ov'r th're AMANDA: Your majesty. Curtsies. My name is AMANDA. QUEEN: Oh happy heavens a girl. How old art thou? AMANDA: I am nine your majesty. QUEEN: To BOFA. Oi! wh're didst thee learneth thy mann'rs. Art thee the only one h're who is't doesn’t knoweth how to addresseth the QUEEN? BOFA: What is even going on right now? Where did you come from? QUEEN: How dareth thee addresseth me in such a mann'r. GUARDS! Off with thy head. LEAH: Pleading. Your royal majesty wouldn’t you rather save his stupidness so that someone may fetch you some tea? QUEEN: Fair. But the next timeth that gent addresses me as such I shall removeth the burden yond his head places upon his shoulders. AMANDA: You heard the lady, fetch us some tea. BOFA: Amanda, don’t speak to me like that, I’m your father. QUEEN: Is thy headeth burdening thy shouldst'rs as such? I can aleviate such a burden. TEA. ANON BOFA runs off stage left and then quickly returns with a pot of tea. LUCAS: Are we heathens? Bring us a Goblet. BOFA: Lucus! QUEEN: Oi. Thou jarring scurvyvaliant puttock! Fetch us a glass. BOFA runs off. LUCAS: Excellent insult your majesty. QUEEN: Why thank you. Yours was not to bad either. AMANDA: Excuse me your majesty, but how did you get here? QUEEN: I’m not quite sure. One moment I’m in the royal garden executing a peasant and then the next moment. I’m here. AMANDA: So you have no idea what happened. QUEEN: Well as the execution'r hath drawn his sw'rd up in the air, that gent wast did strike with a bolteth of lightning, and then haazza, I wast in thy living parlor. AMANDA: Huh BOFA enters with a set of glasses . QUEEN: Thou qualling fatkidneyed flaxwench! What tooketh thee so longeth?


BOFA: I’m sorry, your majesty. The QUEEN takes a sip of the tea and spits it out. QUEEN: Thou small headed knat. What is this? BOFA: It’s Tea... your majasty QUEEN: If this is tea then I love the French. What maker hath made this? BOFA: Lipton? QUEEN: Disgraceful maker. Burn thy township. BOFA: This is quality iced tea QUEEN: ICED? What am I Spanish? I want my tea hot like the souls of my enemies burning down in BOFA: Listen ‘your majesty’ I’m sick and tired of your complaining and demands and your swearing in front of my kids. I don’t care that you’re the ‘virgin QUEEN’ of England. This is America and I know my rights so get out of my house! QUEEN: Off. With. Your. HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD QUEEN runs towards BOFA and Lights go off.


There's nothing Lights up, Blank Stage, Nothing LEAH and MELANIE: Woah LEAH: Where are MELANIE: I don’t even know LEAH: Do you think this is one of Brad’s tricks MELANIE: How would Brad have gotten us into a room with literally nothing. There’s nothing. Not a door. Not a window. Pulls out phone. THERE’S NOT EVEN WIFI. LEAH slaps MELANIE LEAH: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER SISTER. Listen I don’t know if this is one of Brad’s tricks or if we are in some sort of game but it’s just you and me. We are best friends. Do we leave when times get tough? MELANIE: Well I left that one time you had six cats but I don’t think I should ruin this inspirational speech. LEAH: Too late. Anyway. Lets. Um. I don’t even know where to begin. LEAH and MELANIE walk around the stage looking for a door of some sort MELANIE: This is useless. There is no use in trying to find a way out because there isn’t a way out. There will never be a way out. We are stuck in some fifth dimensional void which can only be reached by those who think that 4/20 should be a national holiday. LEAH: Will you stop that. There’s always a way. There’s always hope. You might not see the door now but maybe on the other side of one of these walls there’s a person waiting to see if we see the crack in the wall MELANIE: Hehe you said crack LEAH: If we weren’t stuck in this void I would kill you. MELANIE: Oh. My. God. WHAT IF WE ARE IN A SAW MOVIE. WHAT IF WE HAVE TO KILL ONE ANOTHER TO GET OUT AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT LEVEL. WHAT IF THIS IS ALL BEING RECORDED AND. OH MY GOD IF I’M ON TV WITHOUT MAKEUP. I. AUGH. LEAH: You know if you’re going to keep that up you can kill me now. MELANIE: Wait. You’re right. LEAH: WHAT THE HELL. I was joking. Don’t kill me MELANIE: No. You were right. There’s always a way out. LEAH: I’m done with the fake positivity we need to MELANIE: Take that door over there labeled exit?


LEAH: Yeah. That. Wow I guess the way out was just around the corner afterall. MELANIE and LEAH exit out of the left auditorium exit doors. Lights down.

a life in a day of leah montise

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