A Pastoral A Pastoral ResponseResponse

to Bullyingto BullyingJohn Mojzisek, PhD, DMinJohn Mojzisek, PhD, DMin

October 18, 2012October 18, 2012

The PlanThe Plan

12:30 12:30 The BullyThe Bully

12:45 12:45 The VictimThe Victim

1:00 1:00 The BystandersThe Bystanders

1:15 1:15 DiscussionDiscussion

Let us Pray…Let us Pray…My soul proclaims the greatness of the LordMy soul proclaims the greatness of the LordMy spirit rejoices in God my Savior;My spirit rejoices in God my Savior;For he has looked with favor on his lowly servant;For he has looked with favor on his lowly servant;From this day, all generations will call me blessed;From this day, all generations will call me blessed;the almighty has done great things for me,the almighty has done great things for me,and holy is his name;and holy is his name;He has mercy on those who fear himHe has mercy on those who fear himin every generation.in every generation.He has shown the strength of his arm,He has shown the strength of his arm,he has scattered the proud in their conceit.he has scattered the proud in their conceit.He has cast down the mighty from their He has cast down the mighty from their

thrones,& has lifted up the lowly.thrones,& has lifted up the lowly.He has filled the hungry with good things,He has filled the hungry with good things,and the rich he has sent away empty.and the rich he has sent away empty.He has come to the help of his servant Israel, for he has He has come to the help of his servant Israel, for he has remembered his promise of mercy, the promise he made to our remembered his promise of mercy, the promise he made to our ancestors, to Abraham and his children forever. (Luke 1:46-ancestors, to Abraham and his children forever. (Luke 1:46-55: The Magnificat)55: The Magnificat)

Part One: The BullyPart One: The Bully

““Bullies are always Bullies are always cowards at heart and may cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting safe instinct in scenting their prey.” their prey.” ~ Anna Julia Cooper~ Anna Julia Cooper

What is a BullyingWhat is a Bullying

Three main componentsThree main components

1. 1. Power Power difference difference

2. Continues 2. Continues over timeover time

3. 3. Intention Intention is to harm/cause is to harm/cause distress – and distress – and at some level at some level enjoys the victim’s sufferingenjoys the victim’s suffering

Types of BullyingTypes of Bullying Physical aggressionPhysical aggression Social alienationSocial alienation Verbal aggressionVerbal aggression IntimidationIntimidation Sexual harassmentSexual harassment Cyber-bullyingCyber-bullying

What ISN’T bullyingWhat ISN’T bullying

Poor/clumsy conflict managementPoor/clumsy conflict management Inept Social SkillsInept Social Skills Genuine, Genuine, good-intentionedgood-intentioned teasing teasing

The BullyThe Bully

Aggressive/competitiveAggressive/competitive Lacks empathy, impulse control, Lacks empathy, impulse control,

anger managementanger management Apt to break rules in generalApt to break rules in general May not be anxious or insecure, May not be anxious or insecure,

often has positive self-image.often has positive self-image.

The BullyThe Bully

Lacks guilt and refuses responsibility for Lacks guilt and refuses responsibility for actionsactions

Average to above average academicallyAverage to above average academically Often popular among peersOften popular among peers Physical punishment/coercive parenting Physical punishment/coercive parenting

may be used at homemay be used at home May be bullied by older siblings, May be bullied by older siblings,

parents, othersparents, others Parents may be under-involvedParents may be under-involved

Why Bully?Why Bully?

Strong need to dominate peers in a Strong need to dominate peers in a negative waynegative way

Need to control/manipulateNeed to control/manipulate

Gets satisfaction from inflicting Gets satisfaction from inflicting sufferingsuffering

““Rewarded” by bullying othersRewarded” by bullying others

Implications for BullyImplications for Bully

Community learns that a young person Community learns that a young person who bullies is not to be trusted. > Isolation who bullies is not to be trusted. > Isolation

Former bullies tend to be abusive toward Former bullies tend to be abusive toward partners, severely punitive towards partners, severely punitive towards children and have children that bullychildren and have children that bully

More likely to have criminal record in More likely to have criminal record in adulthoodadulthood

Pastoral PerspectivePastoral PerspectiveHe has shown the strength of his arm,He has shown the strength of his arm,he has scattered the proud in their he has scattered the proud in their conceit.conceit.He has cast down the mighty from their He has cast down the mighty from their

thrones, & has lifted up the lowly.thrones, & has lifted up the lowly.He has filled the hungry He has filled the hungry

with good things,with good things,and the rich he has and the rich he has

sent away empty.sent away empty.

Pastoral PerspectivePastoral Perspective

Scripture is full of bullies from Pharaoh Scripture is full of bullies from Pharaoh in Egypt to the Sadducees, Pharisees and in Egypt to the Sadducees, Pharisees and PilatePilate

Scripture tells the story of a God who Scripture tells the story of a God who promises to stand by the week and promises to stand by the week and powerless – to powerless – to scatter the proud in scatter the proud in their conceit, the bring down the their conceit, the bring down the mighty from their thronesmighty from their thrones..

Victim and Bully created in the Victim and Bully created in the Image of Image of GodGod

WWJDWWJD

Stand with and for the weak and powerlessStand with and for the weak and powerless Change hearts and minds with love, not Change hearts and minds with love, not

powerpower Hate the sin, but love the sinnerHate the sin, but love the sinner Engage the bullies:Engage the bullies:“I have come to save “I have come to save

not the righteous but the sinner”not the righteous but the sinner” Make them disciples (Matthew, Paul) who Make them disciples (Matthew, Paul) who

use their power for good and for God and use their power for good and for God and the eternal rather than temporal rewardsthe eternal rather than temporal rewards

DiscussDiscuss

It’s easy to feel compassion for the It’s easy to feel compassion for the victim and maybe even the victim and maybe even the bystander – but Jesus calls us to bystander – but Jesus calls us to LOVE enemies LOVE enemies and and PRAY for PRAY for persecutors persecutors - How do we love the - How do we love the bully while standing with and for the bully while standing with and for the victims and empowering the victims and empowering the bystanders?bystanders?

Part Two: the VictimPart Two: the Victim

““Never be bullied into Never be bullied into silence. Never allow silence. Never allow yourself to be made a yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but definition of your life, but define yourself.” define yourself.” ~Harvey S. Firestone~Harvey S. Firestone

The Victim?The Victim?

Passive Passive victimsvictims

Provocative Provocative victimsvictims

May have few friends, therefore May have few friends, therefore have less peer protectionhave less peer protection

May turn May turn inward inward to further to further isolation, withdraw, self harm or to isolation, withdraw, self harm or to act out act out with violencewith violence

Implications for VictimImplications for Victim

Often suffer from pervasive fear, Often suffer from pervasive fear, chronic absenteeism, poor grades, chronic absenteeism, poor grades, anxiety, illnessanxiety, illness

Powerlessness and “Learned Powerlessness and “Learned Helplessness”Helplessness”

Poor self-image, self efficacyPoor self-image, self efficacy Higher risk of depressionHigher risk of depression Higher risk of suicideHigher risk of suicide Potential for acting out in Potential for acting out in violence – violence –

“Columbine”“Columbine”

Fight Power with Power?Fight Power with Power?An Eye for an Eye?An Eye for an Eye?

Encouraging victim to fight or hit Encouraging victim to fight or hit back does not workback does not work Does not end bullying, often escalates itDoes not end bullying, often escalates it Usually increases frequency and Usually increases frequency and

intensity of retaliation from bullyintensity of retaliation from bully Victim more likely to get in troubleVictim more likely to get in trouble Models aggression as way to solve Models aggression as way to solve

problemsproblems

Empowering the VictimEmpowering the Victim

Be clear that what they are Be clear that what they are experiencing is NOT okayexperiencing is NOT okay

Identify and name allies and safe Identify and name allies and safe spacesspaces

Help victim understand ways they Help victim understand ways they put themselves in the victim role put themselves in the victim role (without “blaming the victim”)(without “blaming the victim”)

Teach skills to deal with bulliesTeach skills to deal with bullies

What can the victim do?What can the victim do?

Tell bully/bullies to stop, that he or Tell bully/bullies to stop, that he or she doesn’t like what they are doingshe doesn’t like what they are doing

Take away the “reward”… Diffuse Take away the “reward”… Diffuse through humor or indifferencethrough humor or indifference

Remove him/herself from situationRemove him/herself from situation ReportReport Ask a bystander to report/get helpAsk a bystander to report/get help

WWJDWWJD

Looking on the weak Looking on the weak with favor , with favor , Jesus Jesus helps the lowly to see and know their helps the lowly to see and know their dignity and blessing: dignity and blessing: stand with and stand with and empower the weak.empower the weak.

Jesus proclaims and models a Jesus proclaims and models a Kingdom Kingdom of Love of Love rather than of power: rather than of power: Show Show what real power means!what real power means!

Suffering Servant walks with the lowly Suffering Servant walks with the lowly and provides a model to rise aboveand provides a model to rise above

DiscussDiscuss

How might Jesus the Suffering How might Jesus the Suffering Servant be hope for victims?Servant be hope for victims?

Do scriptural images of the Suffering Do scriptural images of the Suffering Servant and the Lamb of God Servant and the Lamb of God implicitly accept victimization even implicitly accept victimization even martyrdom? martyrdom?

Part Three: The Part Three: The BystanderBystander

““In the end, we will In the end, we will remember not the words remember not the words of our enemies, but the of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”silence of our friends.”

- - Dr. Martin Luther King, JrDr. Martin Luther King, Jr..

Empowering the Empowering the BystandersBystanders

Front line of Bullying Prevention – Front line of Bullying Prevention – Adults are generally not witnessesAdults are generally not witnesses

Safety in numbers: have the real powerSafety in numbers: have the real power Kids know what’s right - Empower them Kids know what’s right - Empower them

to say to say That’s not okayThat’s not okay I am on your sideI am on your side I will get helpI will get help

Transform the cultureTransform the culture

Bullies hurt bystanders as Bullies hurt bystanders as well:well:

AnxietyAnxiety

GuiltGuilt

Less empathyLess empathy

Desensitized to violenceDesensitized to violence

Empowered BystandersEmpowered Bystanders

Encourage victim to tell bully to stopEncourage victim to tell bully to stop Tell bully to stopTell bully to stop Tell an adultTell an adult Encourage other bystanders to Encourage other bystanders to

support victimsupport victim In doing so:In doing so:

Realize their own power (for good!)Realize their own power (for good!) Intrinsic Reward of doing the right thingIntrinsic Reward of doing the right thing

Reporting vs. Reporting vs. Tattling/SnitchingTattling/Snitching

Goal of Goal of tattling/snitchingtattling/snitching is to get is to get someone in troublesomeone in trouble

Goal of Goal of reportingreporting is to protect is to protect victim from harmvictim from harm

WWJDWWJD

Transform the Culture: Bring about a Transform the Culture: Bring about a new Kingdom: Plant Mustard Seeds new Kingdom: Plant Mustard Seeds that create a culture of non-violence that create a culture of non-violence and loveand love

Stand up for what’s right and call-out Stand up for what’s right and call-out what’s wrong – no matter the price. what’s wrong – no matter the price.

Comfort the afflicted and afflict the Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable - shake up the status quocomfortable - shake up the status quo

Use parables, stories, mediaUse parables, stories, media

What can we do?What can we do?

Encourage/demand compassion and Encourage/demand compassion and empathyempathy

Encourage/praise effective Encourage/praise effective bystander and victim strategies and bystander and victim strategies and habitshabits

Be clear and model that abuse of Be clear and model that abuse of power is never okaypower is never okay

Stand with and for the weak and Stand with and for the weak and powerlesspowerless

““Children have Children have never been good at never been good at listening to their listening to their elders, but they elders, but they

have never failed to have never failed to imitate them.”imitate them.”

James James BaldwinBaldwin

DiscussDiscuss

What are some concrete ways we can What are some concrete ways we can transform a culture of power into culture transform a culture of power into culture of love (aka the Kingdom of God) for our of love (aka the Kingdom of God) for our young people?young people?

How can we empower young people to How can we empower young people to stand with and for the weak and stand with and for the weak and powerless like Jesus did?powerless like Jesus did?

What personal and institutional changes What personal and institutional changes do we need to make to model a culture of do we need to make to model a culture of love?love?

Case Study Case Study Bullying or not? Pastoral Bullying or not? Pastoral

Response?Response?Terry is the tallest kid in the middle school who Terry is the tallest kid in the middle school who loves to play basketball before class, and has loves to play basketball before class, and has found that by standing under the basket, can found that by standing under the basket, can catch rebounds and score afterward. Chris catch rebounds and score afterward. Chris complained to everyone in the game, "It's not complained to everyone in the game, "It's not fair! Terry never lets anyone else have the fair! Terry never lets anyone else have the ball!" Terry replied that Chris is simply jealous ball!" Terry replied that Chris is simply jealous because and stinks at basketball. Continuing to because and stinks at basketball. Continuing to stand under the basket and getting rebounds, stand under the basket and getting rebounds, Terry makes Chris even angrier. Later Chris Terry makes Chris even angrier. Later Chris misses an easy question in class, and Terry misses an easy question in class, and Terry whispers, "What a retard!" Chris immediately whispers, "What a retard!" Chris immediately erupts, loudly pushing over Terry’s chair. The erupts, loudly pushing over Terry’s chair. The teacher becomes upset and sends Chris out of teacher becomes upset and sends Chris out of the room.the room.

A Pastoral Response?A Pastoral Response?Jordan is new to the area and parents think Jordan is new to the area and parents think church will be a good place to make friends. church will be a good place to make friends. The group is divided between kids who go to The group is divided between kids who go to public and private schools who have been public and private schools who have been together for a long time. Neither group is together for a long time. Neither group is looking for new members. Different hair, looking for new members. Different hair, clothes and accent leads to a rumor on clothes and accent leads to a rumor on Facebook that the new kid must be gay, and a Facebook that the new kid must be gay, and a caricature gets widely posted to many “likes.” caricature gets widely posted to many “likes.” At church whispers and looks turn to comments At church whispers and looks turn to comments and laughs until Jordan finally storms out and laughs until Jordan finally storms out saying I hate you all and vows never to return. saying I hate you all and vows never to return.

Q&AQ&A