a picture in a frame - complete

8/7/2019 A Picture in a Frame - Complete

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A J2 story with the guest appearance of Anderson Cooper


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With a wide smile Jeff shakes hands with the director and the crew alike, also all thesupporting actors, saving the best for last: his two sons, Jared and Jensen. Jeff wasbeyond ecstatic when they called him for the season five finale. Hes heard about thepossibility of another season though he barely cares about that. It doesnt matter iftheyll involve him again or not but hes promised hell always be available every timethey need him for the series.

Jeff, Jared wraps him in his long arms. You dont stay for the wrap-up party?

Another smile from Jeff. The party. Of course hell come. Thats one of the things helikes most about making movies. The mixed emotions, the chances to talk and drinkand stay until late at night without worrying about the next days filming, Jeff will neverskip them.

Count me in, Jared. Its gonna be tomorrow night, right?

Yup.

Jeff lets go of Jared to turn to Jensen whos standing slightly behind his co-actor. Jefflifts his eyebrows. Jensen is to say the least looking tired and forlorn. Jeffs smilefalters. He knows Jensen and he is used to the mans being quiet outside his Dean rolebut Jeff understands this might be about something else.

Jeff has learned about Jareds wedding the previous month somewhat wonderingabout the absence of invitation for him but simply letting it go and thinks if it hasanything to do with Jensens behavior. Jeff never knows the nature of the relationshipbetween Jared and Jensen he doesnt want to start contemplating about it yeteveryone can clearly see that Jensen never smiles his wrinkles-on-the-corners-of-his-eyes smile again. Dark clouds seem to be hanging upon his face lately and he rations his

words to Jared.

Not wanting to make things even more awkward, though, Jeff tousles Jensens hair. Theman yelps a bit, pulling back.

How about you?

What? Jensen asks, tilting up a bit to meet his eyes.

You gonna come to the party?

Jensen shrugs. That depends.

Jeff feels Jared stiffen beside him. On?

Whether you come or not.

They all break into laugh.

Okay. Jeff hugs Jensen, giving him a fleeting squeeze before letting him go. Ill callyou.

Jensens eyes widen, uncomprehending, but he finally nods when Jeff gives him apointed look ofWe need to talk.

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3/44

Okay, whatever.

Good.

Theyve been very close before, him and Jensen. He hopes Jensen will be able to open upand tell him whatever it is that bothers his mind. Jeff hates to see any of his boys seemmiserable like that.

~~~

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4/44

Jared doesnt like it. The way Jeff looked at Jensen or ruffled his hair, or what he said tohim. But what more he doesnt like is how Jensen looks.

He hasnt been aware of it. Jensen has been all smiles, jokes, and hugs in the wedding,but now Jared feels like he must have been imagining all of them. Jensen looks totallyworn-out, depressed, dark shadows hanging under his eyes, and if Jared rememberscorrectly, Jensen has not been too chatty to him ever since they arrived in Vancouver. In

fact, the only thing Jared can recall is Jensen asking if he needed to go get a room in ahotel. Wherever that came from?

You, uh, are married now.

So?

Its her house, she might want

Well, do you see her anywhere here?

Jensen has said nothing and turned away.

Now Jared is wondering if the way Jensen has been acting has anything to do with thewhole hotel thing.

Jensen, wait, Jared takes Jensens arm and spins him around, after Jeff walks away.We need to talk.

No. Jensen shrugs him off. Theres nothing to talk about.

~~~

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5/44

Jared is wasted. The wrap-up party has been more than entertaining. Actors and crewcame and had fun. He saw Jeff there, they cracked jokes, and talked a lot about things,especially Jeffs new gig. Jared also saw Jensen but nothing. No jokes, no words.Jensen mostly steered clear of Jareds way like he was some kind of a leper. Jared triednot to think about it too much, trying to enjoy his time instead.

But after the party was over, Jensen was nowhere to be seen when Jared wanted to ask

him if he would like to go home together. Clif was there still but to Jareds dismay, theman had no idea where Jensen had gone.

The phone rings when Jared arrives at home. He answers it at the third ring, absentlypicking up a chunk of paper lying beside the phone, and reading whats written on it,his heart skips a beat.

Sorry. Has to catch the flight earlier.

JA

There is no mention about the destination. Nothing about whether Jensen will call orwhen they can meet. Jared cant believe he wont see Jensen until the long hiatus isover. His knees suddenly weaken and he slumps to the couch.

He hears someone calling his name on the phone and it sounds like Jeff. But Jared istoo dazed to respond.

~~~

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6/44

The plane's landing safely and smoothly. Jensen gathers his belonging, a single sportybackpack, and slips on his shades before following the line of other passengers gettingdown the plane. He's spending a night here in LA, then he's going to drive up north tomeet Chris. Jensen has agreed to join one of his gigs, singing one or two songs. This isunplanned. Jensen was really grateful when he called his friend the other day. Chris hassaid yes at once, no questions asked; he even offered to pick Jensen up in LA.

Along the corridor in the terminal, Jensen moves as though he were floating. He stifleshis mind, stopping himself from thinking about... Stopping himself from thinking,period. He's got things to do. The jamming gig, the convention at the weekend, series ofinterviews for Red Hood, then he's flying to Fort Worth to do some coaching clinics forkids from several drama clubs across the state. He'll think of something else to do ifthere's still some time left before the filming of Season 6 begins.

A shriek calling out his name pulls him back from his reverie. With a relieved huff, hetakes off his sunglasses. Only some boys and girls. Supernatural fans. Nobody heshould avoid.

Nobody that matters.

~~~

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7/44

It doesn't make sense, what Jeff's telling him. Jensen is brokenhearted because ofhim? And how come he wasnt aware of this?

I'm not saying I know it for sure, but think about it.

Jensen is into guys? Jeff, the man's engaged, for Christ's sake.

Jeff smiles crookedly. He is.

So?

So, why did he have to act the way he did if he feels nothing toward you? Avoiding you,being all tight-lipped, and now hiding from you.

Jared shifts uneasily on his seat in a booth of a bar in downtown LA, worry filling hischest again. It's been his second day back here, where he thought he'd meet Jensen.But he wasnt home when Jared called and he wasn't again when Jared dropped by.Jared knows theyre going to see each other during the weekend for the convention,

though, and hes sure Jensen wont bail out.

Jared takes a mouthful of his beer, gripping the bottle so tightly his knuckles go white.He looks down, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

What do I do now? he asked, mostly to himself. He has married a girl he loves hethinks, but things might have been different had he found out about Jensens feelingtoward him earlier. Jeff is looking at him funny when he looks up again.

What?

What do I do?Do you think theres still anything you can do?

Jared frowns. Why are you asking me that, Jeff? Don't be so cruel.

Jeff leans forward, his face merely inches from Jareds. Im cruel? Let me tell you whatscruel. Its giving false hope, touching him wherever and whenever you wanted, hugginghim in every opportunity you got.

Jeff, I didnt know, Jared says desperately.

Youve never thought why he let you do all those things? Has it ever crossed your mind

how awkward it might have been for him were he not gay? Jared, men dont touch eachother that much.

I do.

Youre one weird puppy.

Jared cant help but snicker. Jeff, I see him as my brother.

Jeff huffs. You have to learn to tell between fiction and reality, Jared.

Jensen said the same thing about us being like brothers.

He might not have said what he really thought. And Jared, back to your question, are

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you forgetting something?

Am I?

Youre a married man now, Jay. You also never likea man. Theres only one thing youcan do about Jensen.

Jeff, Ill do everything for him, I swear. Inwardly, he wonders if Jeff is right that henever likes a man like that.

You should forget him. If its true that Jensens been having a crush on you, just ignoreit. Pretend you never know. Just forget him. Hes nothing but a mere co-actor to you.It's enough that you hurt him last time. Don't you ever do that again."

If a lightning struck him at that very second, Jared could not be as shocked hearingthose words.

~~~

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9/44

Until the last minute, Jensen was still considering backing off the convention in LA. Butthe voice in his head kept reminding him to be reasonable and to act like a professional.Apart from that, the last two days he spent with Chris, talking to him, opening up,letting out everything he'd buried too long that was slowly killing him inside, had finallycleared things up in his head and helped him see a lot that the world could offer himbeyond Jared. Talking it out also made Jensen able to accept one feeling that hadtormented him ever since he heard about Jared's engagement. He had been so

embarrassed at himself. A total shame over one single fact that Jared had never likedhim, not the way he did anyway. How could he have been so stupid? Jared had nevertold him those three words. Everyone could hug and touch and mean nothing. And hehad been so blind. Jared did that to anyone. What could make him think there had beensomething special, a hidden meaning, for him?

Well at least, now he could let go. There was nothing to be embarrassed about, Chrishad said, for that was absolutely normal to have those kinds of thoughts. Jensen justneeded to be more careful next time. And to guard his feelings more carefully, silentlyhe'd promised himself.

There's no reason for him to not join the event. Jensen feels much better now. He knowshe does. And when a halting voice calls his name, Jensen turns, and gives his biggest,crinkles-at-the-corners-of-his-eyes smile.

Jared! he wraps his arms tightly around the other mans shoulders. What's up, man?

~~~

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10/44

Jareds jaw drops.

Jensen was smiling.

Jensen was smiling at him.

And he hugged him, too, and Jared was this close to go sniffing at his sweet-smelling

cologne or lean heavily into the warmth of Jensens body.

Jensen smiling makes Jared happy, but soon afterward, sad. The man definitely didntlook troubled anymore so what Jared and Jeff have been worrying? Everything goes outof the window. Its not true that Jensen was bothered by Jareds marriage. Jensensdejection lately must have been because of something else.

And that though he cant tell the reason why sends a stab through Jareds heartsomehow.

Jared follows Jensen with his eyes when the man is walking away, and he sighs, looking

down, the ring around his finger on his left hand catches his sight. Slowly he strokes itwith his thumb. It doesnt matter anymore. He can be married, or not, it counts fornothing, for Jensen didnt even care.

Just when Jared has begun to understand.

~~~

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11/44

Jensen does as he has planned before. He leaves, taking the earliest flight he can get,right after his panel in the convention is over, heading home for the clinics hespromised to give. He hugs his sister who picks him up in the airport, hugs his parents,Josh, and anybody else he meets. Talks about his job, about the new season forSupernatural, about the gathering hes had with the fans. But he says nothing aboutJared, and to his relief, no one asks about him. It seems as if there were a silent pactamong those people. Jensen knows he can always rely on his family.

So they leave them alone and Jensen can concentrate on his job.

And a surprise comes to him. On the first day, his agent calls him saying that CNNwants to cover his activity for a feature about programs all over the country that involveand help young people reach out their dreams. Jensens agent also says that AndersonCooper will host the feature. For the first time in the past months, Jensen smiles.Cooper is such a big name among the networks. Jensen cant help but feel lucky to havesomeone like him recognize his work.

Another one who is also happy is Kripke who gets to know this from Jensen himself.

Jensen just cant help it. He needs to talk to someone. And as he clearly cant talk toJared

Jensen, dont forget to tell him about Supernatural.

Jensen only laughs at Kripkes nearly childish excitement over the news.

Itll be great if you can invite him up to Vancouver.

Eric, Jensen tries to calm him down. What is he covering Supernatural for? Its notlike there should be an educational program on how to kill demons.

I dont care. He can come up with anything he wants. The point is, J, you should makehim impressed with you.

You know what you sound like? Youre like trying to pimp me to him Jensen wisheshe could take the words back, but Eric doesnt seem to catch his sudden silence.

So, do you get it, Jensen? Hed better be smitten by you by the end of his visit to Dallas,or else.

Eric, come on.

With gleeful laugh, Kripke hangs up. Jensen only shakes his head as he clicks his cellphone off.

~~~

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12/44

Anderson stirs his coffee slowly. His eyes never leave the man sitting across from him.Jensen, on the other hand, tries his best to keep looking away from Anderson. He turnshis gaze to his own cup or looks out the wide window of the caf they are at. The closestthing the man passes as making eye contacts will be the short, fleeting glances hethrows Anderson's way here and then.

Anderson smiles inwardly. It's true what they said about Jensen. He is such a private

person and keeps some distance from people he hasn't known too well. Not that he'sarrogant or snobbish. Quite the opposite, really, for what makes him seem a bitreluctant to do interviews like this is because he should talk about himself. Hisdiscomfort results in him giving impression as if he were nothing compared to otheractors. As if none of his work is worth mentioning.

Anderson finds it rather endearing an actor who's uncomfortable to talk about himself.He's seen how good Jensen is. He has watched some of the Supernaturalepisodes thatshowcase Jensen's talent, and hes seen the clips from Red Hoodwhere the voicedirector was gushing about Jensen. What more, Anderson saw for himself how patientJensen was when directing the kids for their little project at the end of the coaching

clinic they had in Fort Worth. Yet instead of talking about them all, Jensen prefers toelaborate stories about his family, his colleagues in the set.

But not about his on-screen brother.

Anderson notices that not once has the name Jaredslipped out of those lips. And yes,Anderson doesknow whats happened. He is a journalist and from a friend of a friend ofa friend, he found out how Jensen really is. Jensen swings the way he swings, and thetale about a rigid, wretched bearing Jensen assumed during Jareds wedding is notmerely a tale.

The man is well-known for the crinkles around his eyes when he truly laughs or smiles.Well none of them makes any appearances so far.

And suddenly, Anderson wants to make it his job that Jensen will begin to smile again.

~~~

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13/44

So, hiatus. For two months or so. And apart from guest starring in cons here in LA andin Europe, which were already past anyway, and doing a couple of advertisements, thereis nothing else awaiting Jared. He can just fly home. His wife kissed him goodbye lastnight for more shots for Flash Forwardafter all, but somehow the idea of home doesn'tappeal for him. For home means Texas and Texas means... Jensen.

And Jensen means tiny flutters in his heart, which deep inside he knows he should not

have. It is wrong to feel that way. It's just - wrong.

But two months of not seeing Jensen feels even more wrong.

The TV is on although Jared has no intention to see it. He is not too partial to watchingTV, and Jared didn't really pay any attention when turning it on or flipping throughchannels. He just stopped somewhere. A laughing sound catches him off guard, though,for its so familiar. Deep laugh, so uplifting, like music in his ears.

Gaping, Jared stills before his TV set. What is Jensen doing there? Jared is thinking atleast someone should have told him about it. Eric. Anybody.

Or even Jensen.

But Jared smacks himself inwardly. No, he cannot expect Jensen to tell him aboutanything. Not anymore. He also has no right thinking that Jensen should not laugh withthe man or look at him thatway: face downward, eyes peering through the lashes, ahand rubbing over a timid smile they all belong to Jared.

Hes naughty like that, huh?

Seriously? He shouldnt be allowed to touch anything. But thats useless, really. He can

pull pranks however he wants to.

For the second time Jared freezes. Is this for real? His heart contracts and his eyes feelwatery. Jensen did laugh, but it was about him. Jensen was talking about him.

And Jared feels like dancing.

~~~

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14/44

Jensen catches himself before he can make a fool of himself even more. No morerambling about Jared again, you idiot, he berates his useless self silently. Then trying toput on a smile as guileless and innocent as he can, blinking his eyes, and straighteningup in his chair.

So any vacation plan during your off time? Anderson asks.

Vacation? Jensen laughs, shaking his head. I'm beat, man. I need a rest and I meansleeping, perhaps one week straight.

Here, or you planning to go back to LA?

I still miss my folks. I'm staying here a bit longer.

Anderson nods. A beautiful place you have here. I don't mind looking around a bit.

Jensen smiles widely. You'll be welcomed here, Mr. Cooper

It's Anderson, remember?

Okay. Right, Anderson. My mom adores you. She'll be thrilled to see you in person.

Is that an invitation? Anderson winks.

Gosh, yes. Jensen barks a laugh. Please, call me whenever you have time. Even if yousuddenly show up at our door, I don't think anyone will mind.

What if I simply show up in Vancouver?

You mean in Supernatural set? Jensen feels blood rise to his face as he rememberswhat Eric told him. Well, so far Jensen hasn't intentionally mentioned Supernatural, notthat he doesn't want to talk about his own show. It's just because Anderson hasn'texactly asked about it. When Jensen shared with him stories about Jared, that wasmore on what Jensen thought of his colleague and not about wait. Here we go again.He really should stop thinking about Jared, come on.

Are they going to be as happy to see me?

Jensen jerks a little as he hears Anderson's voice. Great. Now he even starts to zone out.Get yourself together, Ackles.

No. I mean, of course they won't mind either. But tell me when you're planning to fly upthere so I can make sure that Eric will be there, too. Jensen feels proud of himself forhaving managed to bring up Eric's name.

That's excellent. I'll arrange my schedule. But for Richardson, I'm sure that won't benecessary as I'm already here. Anderson offers his hand. Thank you for your time,Jensen. It's my pleasure to talk to you.

Jensen shakes Anderson's hand, but his mind blanks out at But for Richardson, I'm surethat won't be necessary as I'm already here. Did he mean he would visit Jensen's parents'

house, like, now? Seriously?

~~~

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15/44

Jared cant put Jensens smile out of his mind. As the interview progressed though, hefelt something was off. At first he thought it was the way the host flirted with Jensen buthe shouldve known by now that everybodyflirts with Jensen. He shouldnt even havebeen surprised when Cooper (who is he, anyway?) got a little too excited about theprospect of visiting Jensens parents house. No, its not that. It is perhaps the fact thatJensen looked relaxed. And happy.

And immediately Jared feels bad even thinking about that. Jensen deserves to be happy;he certainly didnt look it the couple of days Jared has last seen him. He deserves to behappy after what must have been a hard time for him.

How Jared wants to see him again.

Even if he cant do that, Jared thinks maybe he can still talk to the man, despite whatJeff told him. Jared decides to pick up his cell and dial Jensens number. It goes offunanswered for several seconds. Frowning, Jared hangs up before it goes to voicemailand he tries again. This time, he lets it go to the voicemail.

Umm, hi. Jensen, its me. Its Jared. I I just wanna congratulate you for the interview.Good job, man. Its awesome. CNN, dude. You rock.

Hes thinking of asking if he can stop by Richardson when the phone buzzes signalingthere is an upcoming call. He hangs up and checks the caller ID. Its his wife.

Jared! Her voice sounds excited. Guess what, I finished the shoot ahead of time. Arewe still going to Germany?

Uhh yeah, sure. He completely forgot about the plan.

~~~

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16/44

Jensen thinks he heard his phone ring. Hes thought of checking it but he doesnt feellike leaving Anderson alone with his family. They havent really known the man. Well, hehasnt known the man.

Hes only met Anderson two or three times prior to the official interview, mostly forcoffee. And to be honest hes never done it before with any other journalists orinterviewers. Normally they just made an appointment for the time and place and just

did it. But Anderson insisted that they meet first, either to talk to him or simply watchJensen work. This going to Jensens house thing was only supposed to be a joke. Henever thought Anderson was serious.

Yet here you go. Anderson showed up on his doorstep just one day after their interview,with the biggest bunch of red roses Jensen has ever seen.

For your mom. Where is she? Id love to meet her.

Like how Jensen has thought before, his mom is totally charmed by Anderson and hisfather keeps smiling at the light jokes the man throws. Several times Jensen catches

Andersons gazes fall on him and whether he wants it or not, they send flickers to hisbelly. Anderson is not bad looking and despite the fact that hes clearly a somebody, henever treats Jensens family with less respect. Jensen wonders what it is that the manwants.

His phone rings again, and Jensen decides to answer it this time.

Excuse me, he mumbles as he rises from the chair, feeling Andersons eyes at the backof his neck when he leaves the room.

Hes too late, though. The call has gone to the voicemail.

And its from Jared, congratulating him for the interview.

Jensen swallows hard. No, its nothing. Its not like Jared told him that his marriage wassuddenly over. Get real, Jensen.

Hes considering calling Jared back but then decides not to. Its not urgent and hedoesnt think its going to matter anyway for Jared.

Besides, hes having a guest right now.

~~~

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17/44

His phone beeps with an incoming email. Jensen stirs awake. He raises an eyebrow ashe checks the alarm clock on the nightstand: 5.30. Who in their right mind would sendan email at this ungodly hour? Ah, of course. An insomniac. Or just like him on workdays, who has to wake up around that time.

Jensen knows he doesn't have to check the mail right away but he's awake now. Hemight as well make use of his time.

Its from Anderson.

Jensen, have you seenThe Ten Commandments? It opens this weekend at Broadway.Say yes and I'll send you a plane ticket. I'll pick you up at LaGuardia.

Jensen can't believe what hes reading. It's Broadway, man. And watching in theopening night? It's beyond awesome. What would Jared say about this?

Okay. This is not normal. Why cant he block his mind from the man? Come to think ofit, Jensen still owes him a phone call. Hed better do it now, when the chance of being

answered is slim.

Just his luck, the call is answered right after the first ring.

Jen? Jared sounds breathless, and definitely not asleep.

Jensen frowns. Y-yes. You awake?

The silence that follows takes almost one minute. Jensen is wondering if Jareds stillthere, when the response comes, a bit stilted.

I, uh, Im not at home.

What? Where?

Gen and I, were in Berlin. She

Theyre having lunch at the moment. And that is more than Jensen needs to know.

~~~

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18/44

For several beats it doesn't occur to Jared that he has been talking to himself. Jensenhas not hung up or anything but Jared can't even hear him breathing into themouthpiece. Jensen has either fallen back to sleep or tossed his cell phone away.Sighing, Jared gives up and turns his phone off.

That Jensen? his wife asks. What does he want?

Jared looks at her strangely. Want? He didnt even say anything.

Gen huffs. Weird. Wonder what you see in him, Jay.

Something inside Jared cringes at the use of the nickname. Only one person can callhim that. He frowns. What I see in him? Whatre you talking about?

Gen sips at her caramel macchiato and places her glass on the table with more forcethan necessary.

Come on, Jay. Do I need to spell it out for you? The man has a major crush on you.

Hes jealous of me, and I think he hates me for getting hitched to you.

Its not news for Jared now but it doesnt mean he wants to hear it coming out of hiswifes mouth. In fact, he almost cant look at the way she smirks and sneers soconceitedly. Jared snatches his wallet and pulls out some notes, throwing themcarelessly on the table.

You done here? He shoves his chair backward and gets to his feet, ignoring Gensgrumble that she is not quite done yet. He marches away without so much as abackward glance at her.

~~~

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19/44

Jensen stares blankly at the dark ceiling which is not the only thing dark in his room.The side lamp isnt even on and now the light from his cell phone is dimmed already.And he cant help but smile bitterly to himself. To his own foolishness or stupid naivety.A short voice mail message with several encouraging words certainly means nothing.What is he, flattering himself? He always lets his mind wander; he always loves tofantasize. Perhaps he does both too much. So embarrassing.

His fingers move on their own accord, scrolling to the email he got from Anderson, andthumbing his reply.

You know how to entice me, dont you? A play in Broadway is too lovely to pass. Count mein. Shall I call you or youll call me?

~

Jensens a lot prettier than he remembers. Anderson feels weak in his knees at the sightof the man coming out of the arrival gate. Clad in a dark t-shirt, jeans, and a denimjacket with a small backpack slung over his right shoulder, Jensen looks like hes out of

a fashion magazine spread.

Its just Andersons never seen him this skinny. Jensen has been much more builtwhen Anderson met him for the interview just a couple of weeks before. Now his jawlooks sharper and his eyes deep-set in their sockets. And hes so pale his skin makes anenormous contrast with his tee. Jensens hand feels clammy when Anderson grabs andshakes it.

You doing okay? A slight concern slips into his voice.

Y-yeah, sure. Jensens faint smile doesnt help convince Anderson. How are you,

Anderson? I uhh

What? Whats wrong?

I guess I need to

Before he knows it, Jensen dashes in the direction of the mens room. Anderson is hoton his track.

Goodness sake, Jensen, are you okay? He breaks in and spots Jensen retching intothe toilet. My God, he says quietly. Whats wrong with you?

Hesitating at first, Anderson finally reaches out for Jensens neck and kneads it gentlyas Jensen gags and heaves, panting heavily.

~~~

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20/44

There is no one else Jensen hates more than himself now. This is so embarrassing. Hesnot flying all the way up to NY, to meet Anderson Cooper, for goodness sake, to lie downon some non-descript bed in a hospitals ER. Hes tried to stop Anderson from takinghim here but he couldnt even voice his objection, not when all he managed to do wascurling up in Andersons car, riding waves after waves of cramps in his stomach, gettingso close to throwing up every time, soaked up in his feverish sweat. Jensen couldnteven walk through the double doors without help.

Jensen couldnt tell what he has done or what happened to him so thats left to thedoctors to do some tests on him. Through his muddled mind, Jensen heard theirexplanation. Hes caught a stomach bug. Jensen lets out a strangled groan as anotherfit of cramp rolls into his abdomen again and beads of sweat break out on his brow. Theanti-nausea drugs given to him have yet to take any effect. If things get even worse,there is no need for him to be here at all. He might as well fly back home to

Whatre you talking about? Youre going with me, period.

Jensen looks up dazedly at Anderson, not realizing hes been thinking aloud. I I cant

You telling me youre going with your condition like this? You cant even stand on yourown. Anderson gently dabs Jensens forehead with his handkerchief.

Jensens eyes flutter close. Honestly, he feels so tired. Every muscle he has aches. Theendless spasms that have wrecked his body have totally worn him out and right now allhe wants to do is close his eyes and sleep. Jensen is only half aware of Andersonsfingers running through his hair as he faintly hears the man convincing everyone in theward, Yes, hes going home with me. Ill make sure he gets what he needs. Dont worryabout it. Ill take care of him.

~~~

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21/44

Hey.

Sitting on the edge of the bed in their hotel room, with his shoulders slumped, Jaredturns to his wife, arms hanging on her sides.

What is it?

Gen takes a deep breath. You, she says. I dont know whats wrong with you. Shesaunters over toward him.

Jared flinches when she reaches out a hand. Pulling it back, Gen bites her lip.

Sorry, Jared mumbles, and rises to his feet.

Where are you going?

Jared spares her a glance. Im sorry, he says again, taking long steps toward the door.I wont be long. Then he leaves.

~

Anderson sits quietly with his arms folded on the mattress next to Jensen. He just founda new pastime: Jensen-watching. The man is still too pale and sometimes he's frowningas though the cramps attack him even in his sleep. But at least he's resting now thoughAnderson wishes he could do something to lessen the suffering Jensen is drowningunder. Anderson wishes he could do more than just gently pressing his knucklesagainst Jensens jaw every time the man twists in pain.

The doctor has told Anderson that Jensen doesn't need to stay in the hospital as long as

he gets enough rest. But neither he nor Anderson wants to be the one to wake Jensenagain after moving him from the ER to a private room. A night at the hospital, then, andAnderson doesnt mind it at all.

~

Morning comes and Jensen is greeted with a smile from a man he barely remembers atfirst. When recollection slowly returns to him, Jensen cracks a shy smile with hischapped lips.

Screwed up everything, didnt I? His voice is croaky from lack of use and Anderson,

mumbling something by way of answering, immediately gets a glass of water with astraw. Jensen lifts himself up a little and sips the water slowly, sighing gratefully as hefalls back on his pillow.

Thank you, he whispers. He still feels shaky, feeling tired already. Jensen hardlyrealizes his eyes are closing.

Jensen?

Hmm?

It takes him several seconds to finally be aware of the other mans presence so close tohim they are practically breathing the same air. Jensens eyes fly open and he sees howAnderson hesitates briefly.

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I didnt read you wrong, did I? Andersons eyes are fixed on his lips as he murmurs notan inch from them.

Jensen moans quietly. The sight of Anderson bending over above him, his eyes soft, isJensens undoing. When Anderson finally eliminates the gap between them and hewelcomes the light kiss, Jensen knows nothing better can happen to him.

~~~

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23/44

Jared doesnt hold it against Jensen when he didnt answer his calls. Jared cant blamehim for not wanting to talk him after what happened earlier. Jared cant imagine himselfwanting to talk to Jensen again if he were the one to have caught Jensen was withsomeone when he called. Dont even think Jensen might want to give him a secondchance. What second chance? The door has been closed to him when he made a vowbefore Gen.

And its simply not fair. Not even to her. The vow hes made, it sounds fake to Jared nowthat all he can think about is Jensen.

Jared pushes the elevator button to get back to his room. Slotting in his key card toopen the door, Jared finds his wife staring out the window. She turns around as shehears him walking in. He takes only a couple of strides to get to her and grasps both ofher hands.

Gen, Im sorry. I dont mean to hurt you but you see

Let me guess. Gens voice is cold but not unsympathetic. Youre going to have that

Its not you, its mespeech?

Jared hangs his head. Im a terrible, terrible person, baby. But I cant lie not anymore.To you. To

Gen stops him with a finger on his lips. Youre one of the most stupid persons Ive evermet. Did you know the most surprising moment Ive had?

Jared looks up, meeting Gens eyes, never feeling this miserable before.

It was when you proposed to me. Not because it was too soon, but because I thought it

would never happen in the history of Jared Padalecki. I thought you were different.You know what I mean? But then you came and asked me, and to be honest, I wassurprised. Im not saying I wasnt happy. You have no idea. I was so giddy I could singall day. I thought that must have been how Cinderella wouldve felt when PrinceCharming came to her.

Jared swallows, unable to look into her eyes anymore. Gen lifts his chin gently.

But Im also a realistic person. I know I got quite upset with you when Jensen calledyou the other day. Im sorry about that. I shouldve known that time would come sooneror later and that you would finally realize about you and him.

Jared runs his hand through her hair. Gen, he croaks. How how about us?

Gen only smiles, the saddest one Jared has ever seen on her.

Theres no us, Jay. There never was.

~~~

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Anderson grits his teeth as he starts the car. He refuses to talk to Jensen, refuses toeven look. Hes mad. Mad at how the night has turned out. Mad at the man for being sostubborn and insisting to go. But mostly, hes mad at himself. He shouldve knownJensen has not truly recovered. Hell, Anderson knewthat but he was too weak to stophim.

The opening night is only a day after Jensen has been discharged from the hospital and

Anderson wonders if hes been blinded by Jensens stunning look that the only thing hewas able to say was, Yes, when Jensen implored him that they should go. Jensen insoft grey cashmere sweater and dark pants has made him fail to see how pallid his facewas.

Anderson wants to throw it all to Jensens face, telling him that he himself is paying theprice. But looking at Jensen curled up like that in the passenger seat in what seems likerecurring stabbing pains in his stomach, Andersons heart sinks.

Jensen Anderson reaches out to smooth Jensens hair off his brow. Talk to me,please.

But there is no response other than a low grunt and Anderson decides they just have toleave. Theyve spent quite a long time waiting for the car to be brought to the lobby by avalet and it has been unnerving for both of them when they had to wait there withJensen clinging to Anderson while cameras snapping pictures from every direction. ButAnderson has a more pressing matter now than thinking about what might come up outof that.

~~~

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In the cab, Jared almost lets it go when Gen puts his cell phone on his palm and tellshim to call Jensen right. The hell. Now.

I wont, Jared says flatly. Hes found someone.

Did he seem to have just bounced up and down to you?

Jared frowns, looking at her now. What?

The way I saw it, he looked like death warmed over him.

I dont know what youre talking about.

Jared, Gen snaps. You didnt really look at those pictures but I did. Jensens face wasso pale and in one of them his eyes were tightly shut. If someone asked me, Id say hewas about to get sick.

Sick? Jared obliviously tightens his grip on his cell phone. Are you sure?

Without waiting for her answer, he flips the phone open and scrolls down to Jensensnumber. Jared glances briefly at Gen who simply nods and turns away to give him asemblance of privacy. Jared turns his attention back to the call hes making and nearlyjerks with anticipation when its answered.

Hey. Jensen, its

Im sorry but Jensen cant answer the phone right now.

Jareds eyes bulge. Taken aback, he swallows. W-what? Who is this? Gen reaches into

his hand and he squeezes it, not even aware of doing so.

May I ask whos speaking, please?

Its, uh, Jared. Im his, his best friend

Oh, Jared. Sure.

Jared lifts an eyebrow when the man laughs a little.

Jensen talked a lot about you, he goes on.

Thanks, but, Jareds eyes flicker to Gen who observes him closely. His mind begins towander to places he doesnt want to go. But the man has Jensens cell. Where is he?Do you mind if I talk to him?

No, of course not. The man sighs. But he really cant.

What? Whats happened? What have you done to him?

Whoa, wait a second. Ive done nothing to him. But hes asleep right now. He hasntbeen for some time. Hes been in so much pain that he couldnt even rest.

Jared slumps in his seat, rubbing his face. Oh, God. Gen has been right.

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Feeling lightheaded, Jared whispers to the mouthpiece. Whats wrong with him? God,but is he okay now?

Yeah, I truly hope so. Hes much calmer now. He caught a stomach bug a couple ofdays ago.

And youre youre Anderson, right? Anderson Cooper? I saw the papers.

Thats me. Oh, Jared?

Yes?

I heard about your wedding. Congratulations, man.

Well, I dont

Hey, look, Anderson cuts him off. Id love to talk to you but I really have to go. Ill tellJensen that you called, okay?

Wait, Anderson. Im just you know, I But he is too late. Anderson has hung up thephone. Sucking in his breath, Jared can only gawk in disbelief at his cell phone.

~~~

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Anderson doesnt know for sure why hes had this urge notto talk with Jared. The manis clearly straight and moreover he is married, for Gods sake. Anderson has no reasonto feel threatened by him though if the way Jensen talked about Jared in the interview isanything to go by, Anderson might have to consider how he feels toward Jared. Still, thisis such a new thing for him, being insecure. Anderson wonders what Jensen has done tohim.

Back to the guestroom where Jensen is resting, Anderson finds him awake now. Jensenis still lying down but his gaze wanders around the room, his expression half studyinghis surroundings, half wondering how or why he is there in the first place. He only turnsto Anderson when he hears him clear his throat. Warmth surges in Andersons heart atthe fleeting blush across Jensens freckled face. He wonders what Jensens beenthinking about his house especially the room. Anderson loves his place but perhaps itschildish to want to hear what Jensen might say about it.

Anderson goes to the bed and sits next to Jensen, reaching out to feel Jensens brow.The man groans, shying away.

Im not having a fever, Anderson.

Not anymore, Anderson smiles. You gave me quite a scare, Jensen.

Sorry, Jensen wont meet his eyes.

Hey, thats not your fault. You were sick. How you feeling now?

Much better. Jensen licks his lip.

Water?

Please.

Anderson watches how Jensen drinks slowly and when he pulls back, some drips ofwater still cling to his lower lip. Anderson doesnt realize hes been staring andcompletely ignores the glass shoved into his palm. He chuckles, putting the glass awayon the nightstand, and takes off his shirt. Jensens eyes widen before they darken a bit.

May I? Anderson gestures toward a space on Jensens huge, fluffy pillow. Jensen shiftsa little to give him more room much to his delight and he slips under the cover. He canfeel Jensen stiffen slightly and his face mere inches from Andersons is taut, before

he relaxes and begins to snuggle into Andersons bare chest. Jensens body still feelssleep warm under his thin T-shirt and Anderson braves himself and inches a handbeneath it, palming the flat abs and up, up to Jensens well-worked-out, muscled torso,sighing appreciatively at the deep moan wrenched out of Jensens throat.

Beautiful, Anderson says huskily. Very beautiful. He tweaks a nipple and is grantedwith an exposed stretch of smooth-skinned column as Jensen throws his head back,lips parting, his guttural growl sending all Andersons blood down to his groin.

~~~

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Once they start, they cant stop. Soon there is only skin and nothing separates them.Jensen touches Anderson eagerly, almost hungrily, while Anderson kisses his hair, thelids of his eyes, his ears, his lips. And he kisses back. Its been too long since he waswith anyone at all. Perhaps it was way back when he was still in Days of Our Liveswithhis roommates friend. Jensen has never told anyone how he really is since then because because he has never been close with anybody after that. Well, there is Jared butJensen would rather be caught dead now before he can tell him.

With Anderson, though, he wonders how things can simply happen. Anderson knowswithout Jensen has to say anything.

Will you stop thinking for once? Anderson laughs a little, eyes crinkling, and Jensencant help but think he looks like him.

Im not thinking, Jensen rubs their noses together. I just

think? Anderson grins at him. He wraps his arms around Jensen, closing the distancebetween them, and presses their lengths together.

The friction makes Jensen shudder. He buries his face into Andersons shoulder in anattempt to stifle his moan but barely succeeds. Anderson reaches down to take both ofthem and groans loudly when Jensens teeth sink into his skin. Panting as he lets go ofAnderson, Jensen thrusts into the other mans fist, his fingernails jabbing intoAndersons sweat-slick hips.

Yeah. Anderson gasps. You feel so good, Jensen. He licks at Jensens lips, his tonguesneaking into Jensens mouth. And taste so much better.

Jensen shuts his eyes tightly as he jerks with pleasure. His voice is still muffled by

Andersons mouth when Jensen breathes out a name.

Jared

~

Jensen is up and out of bed faster than he can imagine. He flails, grabbing uselessly ata sheet of linen, gawking as Anderson reaches out to him.

Dont, he chokes, wrapping the linen around his waist. Im sorry. Oh God. Youvebeen so kind Im so sorry. He knows hes hurt Anderson. He can see it in the mans

eyes. Jensen has no right to even be in the room. Im such an ungrateful jerk. Hedashes in the direction of the bathroom, a hand covering his mouth.

Jensen, Im not

The slamming of the door shuts him up.

~~~

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I ruin your life. Jared looks down at Gen, holding her by the shoulders. Tell me what Ican do to make up for it.

Gen leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. Ill think about it. But its better soonerthan later for you to find out about everything. About Jensen.

Jared pulls her close and hugs her tight. Youre priceless. I hope we can be friends?

Nah, Gen smirks, retracting herself from Jareds arms. Not now. Im gonna need sometime alone, get myself together.

Jared falls silent. Saying that he feels awful is not going to cut it. He hurt her badly; hejust has to make sure he wont do that to others.

To name one, Jensen.

Well at least, now Jared has a clearer path that he has to follow. After his call that fell toAndersons hand, Jared has tried to contact Jensen for several times but he got no

answer at all. Jared has been beside himself ever since. Hes had no idea where Jensenis except that hes in New York. He can be staying in Andersons place, in a hotel, orwhatever goddamned place hed like to be. To make it worse, Jared doesnt knowAndersons phone number.

Jared has then got the idea to call the Ackles household in Richardson after heremembered watching Jensens interview that was held there. Jared thought Jensensfolks might have known, and thank heavens they did.

~

Yes, who is it?

A voice replies to him through the intercom. Jared is relieved someones home. He leansto the mouthpiece. Err, is this Anderson? Anderson Cooper? Im Jared. I need to seeJensen.

Jared thinks hes waiting for the longest time before the man on the other line responds.The voice sounds hesitant.

Hes not Uhh, why dont you just come up here first?

Sure, Jared lifts an eyebrow.

The elevator pings open at the top floor and Jared steps out. Anderson is waiting for himat an open door. He looks worn out and dejected.

Hi, Anderson gestures at him. Come on in.

Jensen. Is he...

Anderson cuts him out at the next heartbeat. Jensens not here. He left a day after youcalled and I have no idea where he is right now.

Jared is stunned. He staggers backward, pricks and needles stabbing in his head thesame time his heart deflating in his chest. His face is contorted.

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You you bastard. Whatd you tell him about me?

Nothing. I didnt even tell him about your call.

Jared sees red. The next thing he knows a feeling of utter satisfaction flares deep insideof him as Andersons jaw cracks under his fist.

~~~

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Anderson looks down. His hand is covered with thick red blood still dripping from hisnose. A faint shock is in his face. Jared freezes; almost cant believe what hes just done.

Ill take it you care for Jensen more than I thought you did, Andersons voice is garbledthanks to his blocked nostrils. He rubs his nose and face with the back of his hand andwinces.

As if realizing something, Jared scuttles around the room to find anything to stop thebleeding. Your room? he asks, looking back at Anderson who nods in the direction ofthe west part of the apartment. Jared rushes there and is back with a hand towel. Hehelps press it carefully against Andersons nose.

And the kitchen? Jared asks again. He needs ice cubes.

Its its okay, Jared. Im fine, really.

But Jared wont listen. Hes never been someone who throws punches when he getsupset. This was a mistake. A terrible mistake. In the kitchen, hes rummaging into the

drawers for a plastic bag and put enough ice into it before taking it into the sitting room.Anderson is slouching on the couch with his face turning up, still holding the towelagainst it. He accepts the ice pack from Jared without saying anything and uses it toreplace the towel for his face.

Jared sits down next to him. Yes, I do, he says softly.

Huh? Anderson looks at him in puzzle, his hand holding the ice pack dangling in theair.

I do care for Jensen.

Well Anderson attempts a halfhearted grin though it looks even more twisted on hisbattered face. Thats certainly in a most platonic, brotherly kind of way, I presume?

Jared smiles sheepishly, shaking his head, looking down at his lap. Not really

Jared, if I learned correctly about you, youre married.

Id never have gotten married in the first place had I known how Jensen really feltabout me.

You mean

Jared looks deeply into Andersons eyes, trying to answer the unspoken questions. Yes,Jensen loves Jared but Jensen never told him so he never realized it before. Jensen hasin fact never told him until now but Jared got to find it out somehow. And yes he wasmarried and thought hed found that specialperson already. Yet it turned out thatJareds been looking in the wrong direction the entire time.

Andersons eyes go soft.

I care for Jensen, too. No, I think I love him. He makes it very easy for me to love him.

But He squeezes Jareds shoulder. I know he loves you.

Man, Jared snuffles and rubs his face. And God knows where he is now.

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Anderson scuffles into the pocket of his jeans and tugs out a crumpled piece of paper.Here.

Jared frowns but he takes it and tries to make out what is written on it. Jared can easilyrecognize the handwriting.

Anderson, youve been very good to me but you deserve a much better person who doesntthink of someone else when youre clearly there for him.

Im sorry for everything.

~~~

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If he got to think about it, the fact that he has practically journeyed across the continentin his attempt to find Jensen might be quite amusing. He has flown from west coast toeast coast and still hasnt succeeded. But Jared never takes the time to do that so he ishardly amused.

And now he is about to fly back to the west after his visit to Jensens parents houseyielded nothing when it comes to finding Jensen.

Jared still has another place in mind when even in LA Jensen is nowhere to be found. Italmost takes every last bit of his patience and sanity, though, to pack up and zip to theairport. He knows he will always get a seat on the flight to Vancouver, yet he cant helpbut have butterflies in his stomach when he has to stand in line to buy the ticket.

~

Jensen thumbs his cell phone off. Done. Hes called it off with his fiance. There is nouse living a lie anymore though he doubts she knows how he really is. All she needs toknow is that he doesnt love her anymore.

Living a lie almost the same reason why he threw Anderson away. He might regret itlater. Anderson is kind, passionate, and he has been very gentle with him. But Jensenknows hes done the right thing leaving him behind although it might be for nothing.For no one.

Jensen draws a deep breath, taking in his surroundings. The steak house he usuallyfrequents doesnt know the word vacant. Patrons keep coming in and bitterly Jensenlearns that they are mostly couples. Well, he used to get here not without company,either. It didnt make them a couple, but Jensen hardly cares. He enjoyed those times,and he is not going to forget them, or forget him. Jensen cannot have the real thing but

thats all right. He is going to keep hold of the memory, saving it in the deepest part ofhis heart.

A roll of tear runs unchecked down his cheek and drips on to the back of his hand.Jensen sighs, watching the small trickle dribbling further down. He wonders why it stillhurts after all this time. He has to promise promise himself to never

Is that for me?

That voice. The one Jensen will always be able to tell even in his sleep. But he is notdreaming now. Jensen closes his eyes, and opens them to look up at Jared.

Why would I cry for you?

Jared laughs, complete with his usual head thrown back, and suddenly Jensen findshimself wrapped in Jareds strong arms.

Because you love me, Jared whispers in his ear. Like I love you too.

~~~

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Jared feels Jensens body tighten like a bowstring in his hug so he lets him go. Jensen isstaring at him, a sad smile on his lips.

Yes, I do love you. But Im disillusioned so you dont have to worry about it anymore.Jensen takes his wallet from his back pocket, tugs some notes out of it, and places themon the table.

What are you doing?

Go home, Jared. Im glad to see you in town, but you have someone else waiting foryou. Jensen rises but Jared grabs his wrist.

Christ, Jen, what someone? Sit down or Hes belatedly aware of his raised voice andthat people are now looking in their direction. Jared turns to a whisper, still clutching atJensen. Damn it. Stay, will you? We need to talk.

Jensen seems to realize how eyes are trained at them, too, and he hisses, sitting upstraight in his chair. Theres nothing to talk about and Im done here. Let go of my

hand, Jared. Please. He glances at Jared briefly but its clear that hed rather not lookat him.

Feeling dejected, Jared releases him, hands going up in surrender. Still he gets to hisfeet when Jensen rises, follows him out of the restaurant, to his car, and slides into thepassenger seat once Jensen unlocks the doors before he can say anything. Jawclenched, Jensen turns to Jared.

Is Gen here with you?

Jareds throat closes up at Jensens subdued, pained tone.

Look, Jared starts. Shes not here, okay? And you might have been disillusioned backthen but youre not right now. We

What do you know about my feeling? Jared, you dont know. You dont know.

But I do, Jared says slowly. For I realized then how I really feel about you.

Jensen puts the car to sudden start and it jumps forward, throwing Jared back into hisseat. Jesus, Jen.

Ill drop you off at your house.

Jensen, its your house, too. Please stay tonight.

Jensen doesnt say anything and suddenly Jared is reminded of what Jeff told him alifetime ago about how he would hurt Jensen anew if he dared come back to him afterhis marrying Gen. But thats the whole point. Jared is no longer married and he knowshe only has Jensen in his heart right now. He just needs to make Jensen listen to himgood.

Perhaps not so much in words.

When the traffic light turns red, Jared knows this might be the only chance he gets. Hegrabs Jensens shoulder and spins him around. As he gapes and parts his mouth in

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shock, Jared pulls him in and smacks him fully on his lips.

~~~

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Jensen is shocked, for sure, baffled and stunned. Jared's lips are hard against his, histongue is seeking into Jensen's mouth, and while Jensen's first thought is to push Jaredaway, his betraying mouth wants to cling to it. To the kiss, the first intimate contactJared's ever given him, something that may be lost before he realizes it's evenhappening. So Jensen seizes his chance and he cups Jared's face with his palms,kissing him deeper, swallowing the surprised moan Jared makes. If this is the most thatJensen can get from Jared, so be it. He'll savor it while it lasts.

~

The light has turned to green and red and green and red again without either Jared orJensen realizes it, so deeply engrossed the two by each other, kissing, licking, gropingone another. Breaths are heavy, buttons are undone, and red and wet marks are upontheir skins, on the sides of their faces, their earlobes, their necks, and their upperchests. They are lucky no one is out on the road tonight although they dont have theslightest care about that. Someone does care about them, though, or rather, the factthat they have spent quite some time at the traffic light.

A loud knock on the side window jars the two men, startling them out of their skin. Apolice officer stands there, demanding the window to be opened. Jensen checks himselfquickly before rolling it down.

Any problem, officer?

The cop grunts and looks over Jensens shoulder at Jared. Are you two okay? Youvestopped here quite long.

Jensens face warms a little. Yes, he replies, quite more loudly than hes intended to.Yes, Sir. We were leaving now. With a halfhearted smile Jensen switches the gear,

releases the brake, and moves his car before the cop gets to say another word. Thankyou, Sir. Thank you. Good evening.

Jared doubles over chortling beside him when theyre cleared off into another road.Jensen glances at him, smiling a little.

Shut up.

You looked so cute just now. Bet the cop knows what you were doing. I thought helooked too eagerly at you.

Shut up, Jensen repeats. And he certainly didnt look eagerlyat me.

Jared is still laughing when Jensen stops the car in front of Jareds house, and stopsjust to turn sideways and say, Love you, Jen.

~~~

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Did you mean me, or was it Gen?

The words filter through Jareds mind as hes still mulling over the taste of Jensens lipson his. That has been the first time a man kissed him ever and Jared was pleasantlysurprised that he wasnt bothered by it at all. In fact, hes craving for more.

Uh, come again? With a hand on the door handle ready to open the car, Jared turns

back to Jensen. Gen, Jen? You kidding me, right? He doesnt like the barely-theresmile Jensen is giving him. He wants Jensen to trust him. He always does; at leastthats what Jared thinks.

Yet, Jensen seems to almost lose it now or at least hes hanging on a thin cord. Jaredhas no idea Jensen feels that insecure about himself. He pokes Jensens thigh with hiswhen he sees the man stays quiet with his head bowed down. Jen? Come on. Talk tome.

Jensen turns away, shrugging. Yeah, I was just kidding. He sounds too resigned toJareds liking. I just you make me your kept boy or something? Youll come up here to

Vancouver every time you miss me while your wife is down there somewhere? And whend you start going gay on me anyway?

Jared sighs. All right. You come with me right now. We need to talk. Seriously.

No.

Jen.

No. Get out of the car.

Ill drag you out and carry you into the house myself.

Try me.

All right.

Jared is ever ready to simply carry him but Jensen is the one changing his mind. Hepulls the key immediately and jumps out of the car. Jared hides his smile as he goes outof the car, too.

Well? Jensen asks him once theyre inside and so Jared begins recounting how he

talked to Jeff right after the party, how he felt all dizzy and lightheaded when all thetalks led to a life-shattering realization about himself and how all he had wanted to doat that time was talk to Jensen, listen to his voice, or simply look at him.

And when he failed to do all of them, he knew there was nothing left but to huntJensendown wherever he was which brought him to Anderson.

Anderson? Jensen starts. You met him?

Yup, Jared says, and then more quietly, You like him, Jensen?

Jensen swallows. I do. Hes a very good guy. He took care of me. But He raises ahand. Not like that. I cant with anyone else, Jare. He looks down, his voice small.

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I know, Jen. Neither can I, Jared says slowly, and his breath hitches when he catchestears gleaming in Jensens eyes as he tilts his face up to look at Jared again.

~~~

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It always pained Jared every time he had to watch Jensen cry in front of the camera. Itdidnt matter that it was only for a scene, a story they had to convey. Jensen tookeverything into him and brought it all out for anyone to see, to listen to, to feel. When hewas shaking with suffering and despair, so was everybody around him.

And now Jareds just unable to witness the dejection playing for him for real. And to beaware that he is the one causing it. Its just too much. He holds Jensen close until the

man cant move an inch.

Please, Jen, stop. Im not worth it.

Youre worth all the damn thing to me, Jensen chokes on Jareds shoulder. But Icant. You cant. You belong with someone else. Dont make me do this, Jare. This isexactly why I couldnt tell you in the first place. I didnt want to impose myself on you.My lifestyle. Me. Because I know you and youd rather drop everything just to make mehappy.

How very true, Jared thinks. Even when he hasnt realized Jensens feeling to him.

There is something in Jensen that makes Jared want to keep him near, protected. Jaredpresses him even tighter like he cant get enough of Jensen. As if he could squash thequivering and doubts out of the man.

But you can, and I can, he whispers softly into Jensens ear, and words flow out of himeasily, about Gen, their marriage, her willingness, his total relief and sole wish tospending time with Jensen till the rest of his life.

All quivering is drained out of Jensen but to Jareds dread, he notices how Jensenstands so still.

Jen? Jared jiggles him a bit. His blood turns cold at Jensens next words.

I ruined everybodys life, didnt I? Gen. Anderson.

Thats thats ridiculous. Its not your fault

Let me go, Jared.

No. Not until you can think straight again.

Jensen snorts, bitterness filling his eyes as they seek out Jareds. Thats the whole

point. I cant think straight. Thats the problem.

Its not funny.

No, its not. Jared, let go of me. I need to do something.

Reluctantly, Jared pulls back. What are you going to do?

I cant if youre still holding me like this.

Jensen, Jared sighs and takes his hands off him completely.

Im going to call Gen. Ill talk to her and see if I can still fix everything.

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What do you mean, fix everything?

Jensen looks at him, eyes clouded, teeth gnawing at his lower lip. Perhaps, perhaps Ican still make her come back to you, Jare.

Jareds heart sinks.

Is that what you want? he asks after several beats.

Jensen turns away, heading toward the door. Doesnt matter what I want. And heglances briefly at Jared. Things happened, Jared. Its too late, and you know that.

~~~

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When Jensens calling Genevieve, Jared goes to the kitchenette where he can still seeJensen though he cant hear him. He doesnt know why but he cant leave Jensen alone.He hasnt been himself just now and Jared doesnt want him to fall to pieces withouthim knowing it. He wants to be ready to cut the call should anything bad happen.

So Jared hovers around the table, goes back and forth to top up his coffee, or checksinto the fridge. He hasnt had dinner yet so he makes himself some bacon and cheese

sandwiches and takes them in small bites, chewing them slowly, his eyes never leavingJensen

Jensen has his hand tightly clamp his cell phone over his ear. Sometimes he walksaround the room talking and another time curls up on one side of the couch whisperinginto the mouthpiece. Jared feels like his heart being squeezed when he sees Jensen shiftinto a sitting position and start to tear up. Jared struggles not to run to him, to grab thephone and toss it away across the room. Jensen sitting there with his other hand overhis eyes with tears running down his face is just the worst thing Jareds ever seen. Hissandwich is forgotten and Jareds rising from his seat, standing on shaky feet, when hesees Jensen rub his face, take a deep breath, and look up to the ceiling, resting his head

to the back of the couch. And smile. He smiles. A teary smile, nonetheless, but it calmsJared already and slowly he sits back down.

The smile never ceases and Jensen still talks, more gently and softly it seems. And thenits over. He turns off his phone, puts it on the glass table, and lays himself down on thecouch, rolling into a ball with his back to Jared.

Jared freezes. He wants to get to Jensen. Wants to wrap himself around him andwhisper words of comfort into his ear. But he cant even bring himself to move. Jensenstays like that for the longest time until at one moment when Jared dares come up tohim, Jensens steady and even breaths tell Jared that he has fallen asleep. Jared

brushes warm tears he didnt realize making of his face.

~~~

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Talking is tiring and talking to someone who married to a person you love cancompletely wear you away. Jensen has never thought he would ever do that. Thats oneof the reasons why hed decided to just forget Jared and go on with his life though howhe thought he could do that is beyond him.

And talking and listening to Gens tender words trying to convince him that everythingshes done is for the best for everybody, and then him being unable to hold back his

emotion as Gen begins to cry have made his head feel like its going to split anytime. Thefact that Jared fixes his gaze at him the entire time doesnt really help. So many timesJensen feels like ending the conversation and just gives up. But he cant. He has to findout, has to make sure, has to hear it from Gen herself. He is such a shameful thirdwheel; he needs to hear it coming from Gens mouth.

Of course she wont give him that. Hes not a third wheel, she says. Neither of the two ofthem is. She realized Jared has made up his mind and there was nothing else she coulddo. Jareds heart has been set to Jensen; shed only lie to herself if she pushed withtheir relationship.

Those statements are not a reason for Jensen to smile in any way but from a corner ofhis eye Jensen sees how distraught Jared has looked and it seems as if he were ready toram forward and slap the phone off Jensens hand anytime. Well, Jared mustnt do that.They Jensen and Gen have been this close to come to an understanding, and soJensen decides to smile. His heart aches from the realization that he has hurt someonebut he forces himself to smile. He cant let Jared see how it hurts Jensen, too.

Jensen feels totally drained by the time the conversation is over. He has no more energyto talk to Jared or even face him.

~

Jensen wakes up in what he thinks still the middle of the night, feeling stiff and toowarm, and as he stirs, immediately he finds out why. Jared is pressed against his back,spooning him into a tight hold, his breathing warm at Jensens neck. Jensen swallowshard, tensing a bit for a second, before relaxing, smiling to himself, and closing his eyes.He fades away back into sleep before he even realizes it.

~~~

42


43/44

For some time no one seems to want to volunteer to break the ice that morning. NotJared who is content to just sit there, eyes never leaving Jensen whos fidgeting acrossthe table from him, and definitely not Jensen who keeps staring at the stack of Frenchtoasts on his plate without seemingly the slightest intent to eat them.

Things have gotten awkward the moment they were both awake. Jared understandsJensens reluctance to talk about how his conversation with Gen has gone, though

Jared can feel that its been to their favor instead of hers from the fact that Jensendidnt push him off the couch last night. From how Jensen clutched tightly at one armJared slung over Jensens waist.

It was easy for them to get close to one another when they were asleep, but not nowwhen theyre aware of each others presence and the realization that suddenly nothing,nobody, stands in their way. There is no denying the love between them; still, they dontfeel as if they could simply pounceon the other.

Well, fuck that, Jared thinks. Jensen has always been known as a bit shy and too selfconscious and here Jared sees the extent of those attributes for himself. But heis not

like that. Why should Jared suddenly feel shy, too?

Jen, he calls softly.

His only response is Jensen stabbing innocent toasts with his fork.

Jared ducks his head, seeking Jensens eyes. He smiles when Jensen relents and looksback at him. His gaze is unfaltering as Jared rises from his chair and edges toward him,leaning forward and brushing a lightest touch upon Jensens lips with his own. Jaredsheart skips a beat at the sight of long and soft lashes grazing Jensens cheeks as hiseyes flutter close.

Hows the toast?

And those eyes fly open at once; being taken by surprise, slightly put out, and warmlytickled, all mix into one. Jared yelps when Jensen literally jumps him, lying on top ofhim, and ravishes his mouth.

The toasts might as well not exist in the first place.

~~~

43


44/44

From his lying position, Jensen squints up at Jared whos looming over him. He feels abit difficult to breathe, still slightly overwhelmed by all this. Jared is finally his andJensen cant help but feel immensely relieved there is no longer baggage between them.

Stop thinking, Jen, Jared grumbles as he takes off his t-shirt.

Jensen grins, twisting on the mattress, feeling the softness of the linen against his bare

back. He himself is clad only in his boxers that have been getting tighter since Jaredcarried him upstairs from the kitchen, stumbling as they couldnt break away from eachother.

Cant get down here faster, can you, Padalecki? he sneers.

Shut up. Ah, finally. Jared tosses his tee just like that and he relieves himself of hissweatpants.

Jensen swallows hard at the sheer intensity in Jareds eyes when the man turns hisattention fully at him; cant hold back his shudder when that big paw cups his arousal

through the boxers.

Take this off. Now. Jared snatches the blocking piece of clothes.

Okay. Jensen fumbles with it.

Jared slowly lowers himself down, taking Jensens hands and pinning them up abovehis head. Jen, youre so beautiful, he murmurs.

Jensen himself cant take his eyes off of the ripples of muscles before him, and hegroans and twists a little in Jareds clutches, rubbing his groin against Jareds, feeling

lightheaded at the rough scrape between their skins.

Jared, Jared, Jared, he chants the name like it were a sacred litany. I love you. I needyou. Need you so much.

Ssh, Jared connects their foreheads together. Im here. I got you now. And you gotme.

Jensen bucks his hips and his eyes flutter close. No. I mean in me. I needyou. Hefeels Jared pull away and Jensen opens his eyes. Jared looks stunned, his grip onJensens wrists loosening. He places his hands on both sides of Jensens head.

Inside you, are you sure?

Jensen makes an impatient gesture. Come on, Jared. Ive been waiting for you all mylife.

So Jared prepares himself and Jensen, and hes inside Jensen in a record time butstays there much longer than that.

~~~

a picture in a frame - complete

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