a program for premarital guidance internet version 2 july 2008
TRANSCRIPT
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AProgramforPremarital
GuidanceByRonFlowe rs
CoDire ctor,De partme ntofFamilyMinistrie s
Ge ne ral
Confe re nce
of
Se ve nth
day
Adve ntists
Introduction
Thisprogramprovide ssugge stionsforase rie sofe ightse ssionsofapproximate ly90minute s
e achbe twe e nacoupleandapastor,counse lororothe rindividualwithtrainingintheissue sre late dto
pre maritalguidance . Coupleassignme ntsforbe twe e nse ssionsareinclude d. Thefinalse le ctionof
topicsandadaptationmaybemadeasne ce ssarybythepastor/counse lortofitparticularsituations.
Objectives
1. Tohe lpthecoupletoe stablishaChristianfoundationformarriage .
2. Topre parethecoupleforthetransitiontomarrie dlife .
3.
To
assist
the
couple
in
de ve lopme nt
of
re lationship
skills.4. Toconfirmthecouple 'sde cisiontomarrye achothe rore ncouragethe mtopostponethe ir
we ddinguntilfurthe rre lationalgrowthoccurs.
Oneofthebyproductsoftheprogramcanbethede ve lopme ntofconfide nceandtrustinthe
pastor/counse lorsothatcouple swillhavegre ate rappre ciationforspe cialize dhe lpforthe irmarriagein
thefuture .
Methodology
Inthisprogram,informationandre lationshipskillbuildinge le me ntsarecombine dwith
pe rsonalandre lationshipasse ssme nttools. Thepastor/counse lorprovide sinformationasne ce ssary
andmode lstheskillsinvolve d,butprimarilyse rve sasafacilitatorandcoachofaproce ssthate nable s
the
couple
to
discove r
the ir
pe rsonal
and
re lationship
stre ngths
and
we akne sse s
and
stimulate s
re lationalgrowth.
PreparingforMarriageInventory
ThePreparingforMarriageInventoryistheprimaryasse ssme nttoolinthisprogram. Itprovide s
ame ansforthepastor/counse lortoasse ssthepe rsonalandre lationalne e dsofthecouple . The
couple sre sponse stoPMIalsoprovide sasourceofmate rialforcounse lorcouplediscussionandcouple
dialogueinthepre se nceofthepastor/counse lorduringthese ssions.
2008De partme ntofFamilyMinistrie s
Ge ne ralConfe re nceofSe ve nthdayAdve ntists
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Session1: FoundationsforMarriage
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession1.
Writetwoorthre eparagraphsgivingyourde finitionofmarriage . Includere fle ctionson
Ge ne sis2:25,25;Prove rbs2:17;Malachi2:14. WhydoyouthinkGodhate sdivorce(Malachi2:16)?
Comple tethePreparingforMarriageInventory.
Comple teWorkshe e tA:"AmIRe adyforMarriage ?"
Ifadditionalte stinginstrume ntssuchasMye rsBriggsTypeIndicator,TaylorJohnson
Te mpe rame ntAnalysisorPREPAREareavailable ,the ymaybeassigne datthistime .
Counselor'sOutlineforSession1.
Getacquainted. Aske achpartne rtointroduceandde scribetheothe rtoyou. Share
informationaboutyourse lfthatwille nablethe mtore latetoyouasape rsonaswe llasacounse lor.
Discusstheirexpectationsofpremaritalcounseling. Ask:"Whatwouldyouliketose e
accomplishe dduringthispe riodofpre maritalpre paration?"
Askabouttheirreasonsformarrying. Invitethecoupletode scribetoe achothe rthespe cific
re asonswhythe ywanttomarrye achothe r. Beatte ntivetothe irre asons,affirmingthepositive sand
makingme ntalnoteofthemoreunhe althyre asonsforlate rdiscussion.
Amongtheunhe althyre asonofmarriage :Atte mptingtoimproveone sne gativese lfimage ,fe ar
oflife longsingle ne ss,marryingonthere boundfromaforme rpainfulre lationship,e scapinganunhappy
home ,guiltbe causeofse xualintimacyorpre gnancy. Positivere asonsinclude :Companionship,
partne rship
in
work
for
God
and
othe rs,
fulfillme nt
of
one s
own
and
one s
partne rs
ne e ds,
fulfillme nt
of
se xualne e dsinthewayGodinte nds,convictionthatmarriagetothispe rsonisinharmonywithGod's
will.
DiscussChristianfoundationsformarriage. Invitethecoupletosharethe irwritte n
de finitionsofmarriageanddiscusswithe achothe rthe irunde rstandingoftheassigne dte xts. Additional
que stionsmightinclude :Whatisyourpre se ntre lationshiptoChristandwhatrolewillHeplayinyour
marriage ? WhatareyourconvictionsaboutdivorceasanoptionforChristians? Howwillyourposition
affe ctthequalityofyourcommitme nttooneanothe r? "AnAffirmationofMarriage "(Handout1)may
beuse dtocontinuethediscussiononChristianmarriageorgive ntothecoupleforre adingand
discussionoutsidethese ssion.
Discuss
the
transition
from
premarital
life
to
marriage.
Que stions
for
the
couple
might
include :Whatwillbediffe re ntaboutyourre lationshipafte rthewe ddingdayothe rthanphysicalse xual
intimacy? Doyoufore se eanyhurtle syouwillhavetosurmount? Ifso,whatmightthe ybe ? Encourage
the mtodiscussthe irre sponse swithe achothe rrathe rthandire ctingthe irre sponse stowardyou.
Majorissue sinthetransitionfromthepre maritalpe riodtomarriageincludele avingone sfamily
oforiginandchangingthere lationshipswithoppositese xfrie ndsandwithpare ntstore fle ctthefact
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thatthe ynowhaveaspe cialre lationshipwithe achothe r. Explorewiththecouplewhatthe ythink
mightbeinvolve dine achofthe setasks.
Collectremaininghomeworkassignments;Distributenextassignments. Colle ctthe ircopie s
ofPreparingforMarriageInventoryandWorkshe e tA:"AmIRe adyforMarriage ?" The sewillhe lpyou
inyourongoingasse ssme ntofthecouple sne e ds.
Session2:FamilyandRelationshipHistory
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession2
Ifthecouplehasnotcomple te dthePreparingforMarriageInventory,the yshoulddosoin
pre parationforSe ssion2.
Counselor'sOutlineforSession2
Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.
Discuss
each
individual's
family
history.
Past
family
re lationships
te nd
to
influe nce
how
we
re latetoothe rsnowandinthefuture . PartsXI,XIIofPMIprovidetherawmate rialforthisse ssion.
Additionaldiscussionpoints:Whomake sde cisionsinthefamilyinwhichyougre wup? Whoowns
whatte rritory? Howisyourfianc /fianc esimilartoyourfathe rormothe r? Isthe reanywayinwhich
the reisstillade pe nde ncyorsome thingunre solve dbe twe e nyouandyourpare nts? Whatisthe re
aboutyourpare ntsmarriagethatyouwantordon'twant? Howwouldyoulikefe e lingsoflove ,
warmth,andte nde rne ssshowntoyouinpublicandinyourhome ?
Discussrelatedfamilysystemsissues. Ifyouarefamiliarwiththeuseofage nogram,youmay
constructoneforthecoupleande nde avortoide ntifyproble maticfamilylinkage s,aswe llasissue sof
addictionandcode pe nde ntbe haviors.
Que stionsthatcancre atediscussionwiththecoupleatthistimeinclude :Isthe reanything
aboutyourse lforyourpastthatyouthinkmightse riouslyaffe ctyourmarriage ? Wasthe realcoholor
substanceabuseinyourfamily,lackofaffirmation,ore motional,se xual,orphysicalabuse ? Howhave
youfoundthepre se nceofanyofthe sethingstohaveaninflue nceonyourlifetoday? Inwhatwayswill
youmakechange ssothatthepre se nceofthe seinthepastwille nableyoutohaveadiffe re ntfuture
toge the r? Inthelightofwhatishappe ningtomarriage stoday,whywillyoursbediffe re nt?
Providehope. Closewiththehope fulande ncouragingthoughtthat,thoughdifficultie sand
dysfunctionmayhavemarke done 'shistoryinthepast,itispossiblewithGod'she lptocre atehe althy
patte rnsofre lationshiptodaythatarediffe re ntfromthoseofthepast.
Session3:CelebratingOurDifferences
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession3
Writte ne xe rcise :Candidlylistfe ars,anxie tie sorworrie sthatyouhaveasyouthinkabout
be ingmarrie d.
Workshe e tB:"Ce le bratingOurDiffe re nce s"
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Counselor'sOutlineforSession3
Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.
Discusstestresults. Ifyouhaveuse date stsuchasMye rsBriggsTypeIndicator,Taylor
JohnsonTe mpe rame ntAnalysis,orPREPARE,youmaywishtodiscussthere sultswiththecoupleatthis
time . Tre atallsuchinformationasprivateand,ifyouplantosharere sultswiththecoupletoge the r,do
soonlywiththepe rmissionofe achpartne r. Donotfocussole lyonthediffe re nce sbe twe e nthe
spouse s. Lookforopportunitie stoaffirmthepartne rs'accuracie sinunde rstandinge achothe r.
Assistthecoupleinunderstanding,acceptingandappreciatingeachothersdifferentness.
Thecomple te de xe rcise"Ce le bratingOurDiffe re nce s"(Workshe e tB)aswe llasre sultsyouhave
obse rve dinthe irPreparingforMarriageInventorywillprovidefurthe rinsightsintoare asinwhichthe y
mayfe e ltrouble dbythe irdiffe re nce s.
Somediffe re ntne sscanbee xpe cte dincouple s,arisingfromdiffe re nce singe nde r,
te mpe rame nt,familyoforigin,culture ,andhabitsorpe rsonalpre fe re nce s. Unde rstanding,
accommodation,adaptation,e ve nappre ciationcomeasthecouple sloveandcommitme ntareaide dby
improve d
communication
and
conflict
re solution
skills.
Provide
opportunity
for
the
couple
to
discuss
the ire xe rciseCe le bratingOurDiffe re nce s. He lpthe mtoide ntifye achothe r'sne e dsandtotalk
ope nlyabouthowthe ye xpe cttoaddre ssthe senowandinthefuture . Beale rtforthete nde ncyto
glossove rdiffe re ntne ssorthee xpe ctationthattheothe rpe rsonwillchange . Watchforwarningsigns
ofabuse ,attitude sofsupe riority,manipulation,ore motionalcontrolthatareinappropriatein
re lationships.
Discusshealthyselfworth. Youmaywishtodiscusstheimportanceofahe althyse nseof
pe rsonalworthasitisroote dfirstofallinGod'sattitudeofloveandacce ptanceofusthroughChrist
andthe nre inforce dbye xpe rie nce sofunconditionallovefoundwithinmarriage ,withfamily,frie ndsor
church. Askthecoupletodialoguetoge the rsothatyoucanhe arthe mtalkabout:Inwhatwaysdoe ach
of
you
give
affirmation
to
e ach
othe r,
build
e ach
othe r
up
(Rom.
14:
19;
1
The ss.
5:ll),
or
lift
e ach
othe r
upwhe nyoufall(Ecc.4:12)?
Collectthecouple'swrittenexerciseonfearsinmarriage. Youmaywishtohavethisme re ly
forinformationortohavethecouple sdiscussthe sewithe achothe rduringalate rse ssion.
Session4:Communication
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession4
Workshe e tC:"CommunicationChe cklist"
Workshe e t
D:
"Communication
and
Us"
Counselor'sOutlineforSession4
Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.
DiscussresponsestoWorksheetC:"CommunicationChecklist." Askthecoupletosharethe ir
re sponse swithe achothe r.
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Someinstructionincommunicationandcoachingofthecoupletoexplorenew
communicationpatternsmaybeappropriate. He lpthecoupletounde rstandthere lationshipofve rbal
andnonve rbalcommunication(Handout2:"CommunicationCompone nts"). Asage ne ralrule ,couple s
shouldusebothnonve rbalandve rbalme ssage swhe ne xpre ssingpositivefe e lingsbutre lyhe avilyon
wordswhe nthe ywishtocommunicatene gativefe e lings. The yshouldbeabletoliste natte ntive lyto
thethoughtsandfe e lingsofothe rs(Handout3:Liste ningEffe ctive ly),andbecomfortablewithde e pe r
le ve lsofse lfdisclosure(Handout4:Le ve lsofCommunication). Unde rstandingmalefe male
diffe re nce sincommunicationstylemayalsobehe lpful(Se eHandout5:"MaleFe maleDiffe re nce sin
Communication").
AskthecoupletodialoguetogetheronthetopicscoveredinWorksheetD,"Communication
andUs,"e mployingthecommunicationskillsthe yarele arning.
DistributeHandout6:BibleHintsonCommunication. Usethisforfurthe rstudyduringthe
se ssionorforthecoupletostudytoge the rbe twe e nse ssions.
Session5:
Handling
Conflict
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession5
Individuallycomple teWorkshe e tE:"Some time sWeDon'tAgre e ."
Comple tetoge the rWorkshe e tF:"DavidandMichal."
Counselor'sOutlineforSession5
Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.
DiscussresponsestoWorksheetE:"Some time sWeDon'tAgre e ." Invitethecoupletoshare
the ir
re sponse s
with
e ach
othe r
and
to
talk
toge the r
about
the
following
que stions
while
you
liste n,
obse rveandcoachthe ircommunicationproce ss:Whatdidyoule arnfromtheBiblestudyofDavidand
Michal(Workshe e tF)? Inwhatwayscouldyouide ntifywiththe ire xpe rie nce ? Howhasange r
e xpre sse ditse lfinyourre lationship? Whatdoyoudoaboutit?
Offerinstructiononangerandconflictresolutionasappropriate. Explorete xtssuchasMark
3:5andEph.4:26tohe lpthecouplevie wange rasane motionthat,whe nrightlyuse d,se rve stoprote ct
andpre se rvehumandignityandre spe ct. Inmarriage ,itprovide sawarningsignalaboutare asthatne e d
atte ntionife motionalclose ne ssistobeachie ve d. Use dde structive ly,ange rle adstoattitude sand
be haviorsthate rodeandde stroyintimacy,butbyge ttingbe hindtheange rtothehurtfe e lingthathas
trigge re dit,thecouplecanle arnsome thingvaluableandimportantaboutthe irre lationship,discove r
e achothe rsne e ds,andgrowclose r.
StudyHandout7:"Ste psinCre ativeProble mSolving"withthecouple ,whichoffe rsaproble m
solving/conflictre solvingse que nce . Buildthecouple 'sskillinproble msolvingbyhavingthe mworkona
conflictissueofthe irownorononeormoreofthosefoundonWorkshe e tG:ConflictSituations.
DiscusstheChristianconceptofforgiveness. Possibleque stionsmightinclude :Whatisyour
unde rstandingofforgive ne ss? Howwouldyouse eforgive ne ssope ratinginamarriage ? Inyourvie w,
wouldforgive ne ssme antheacce ptanceofabuse ? He lpthecoupletoe nvisionforgive ne ssasaGod
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give nproce ssthat,ove rtime ,canfoste rthehe alingofe motionalwounds. Forgive ne ssinclude san
unconditionalaspe ctinwhichthewounde donee xpe rie nce sre le asefromade siretore taliateand
e xte ndsforgive ne ssinthespiritofChrist(Luke23:34;Eph.4:32). Suchforgive ne ssdoe snotme an
re conciliation,butinste adcre ate saclimatethatmayle adtore lationshiphe aling. Forgive ne ssalsohas
aconditionalaspe ctthatre quire sacce ptanceonthepartoftheoffe nde re xpre sse dinre pe ntance(2
Chron.7:14;Luke17:3,4). Onlywhe ntruere pe ntanceise vide ntstoppingtheoffe ndingbe havior,
takingre sponsibilityfortheoffe nse ,re cognizingthehurtthathasbe e ncause d,andmakingsuch
ame ndsasarepossible canthefullne ssofforgive ne ss,whichope nsthedoorforpossible
re conciliationinthere lationship,bee xpe rie nce d.
Session6:Roles,FinancesandInlaws
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession6
StudyGalatians3:28;Ephe sians5:2133;Philippians2:4anddiscusshowthegospe lprinciple
ofmutualsubmissionwillbee xpre sse dinyourmarriage .
Work
toge the r
on
Workshe e t
H:
"Role s
Exploration."
Worktoge the ronWorkshe e tI:"House holdBudge t." Thinkinte rmsofthefirstye arof
marriage .
Writeale tte rtoyourre spe ctiveinlawsstatingre asonswhyyouaregladtobejoiningthe ir
family. Askforsugge stionsonhowtomakeagoodadjustme ntinmarriagetothe irson/daughte r.
Counselor'sOutlineforSession6
Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.
Discuss
responsibilities
in
marriage.
For
couple
dialogue:
What
did
the
study
of
the
assigne d
passage sme antoyou? Whatne wunde rstandingsdidyouhave ? Whatdidtheproce ssofdoingthe
"Role sExploration"workshe e tdoforyou? Whatdidyoule arnaboutthepatte rnyourmarriagewill
take ? Howdoe syourchoiceof"whodoe swhat"comparewithyourfamilyoforigin?
Discussfinances. Invitethecoupletode scribethe ire xpe rie nceinpre paringthe irbudge tfor
thefirstye ar. Forcoupledialogue :Whatisyourspiritualunde rstandingofste wardshipove ryour
finance s? Whate xpe ctationsdidyoudiscove rthatyouhavefore achothe r? Ifyourpare ntsorpare nts
inlawoffe re dtogiveyouage ne roussumofmone y,howwouldyoure latetothis? Howmuchmone y
fromyourfamilyfinance sshouldyourpartne rbeabletospe ndwithoutyourpe rmission? Howdidyou
arriveatyourfigure ?
Discuss
in
law
relationships.
Some
e ntry
points
for
discussion
and
couple
dialogue
might
be :
Whatwe reyourfe e lingsaboutwritingthele tte rtoyourfutureinlaws? Howdidyoufe e laboutthe ir
re sponse ? Whataresomeofthewishe sofbothfamilie sthatyouinte ndtoincludeinyourwe dding
plans? De scribeyourpare nts'attitudetowardyourmarriage . Dothetwose tsofpare ntslikee ach
othe r? De scribethingsaboutyourfutureinlawsthatyoure allylike . De scribethingsaboutyourfuture
inlawsthatyoudonotlike . Whatdoyouplantodoaboutthecharacte risticsyoudonotlikeinyour
futureinlaws?
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Session7:Sexuality,WeddingPlans
CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession7
Comple teindividuallyWorkshe e tJ:"Se xuality."
Counselor'sOutlineforSession7
Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.
Discusssexuality. Invitethecoupletodialoguetoge the raboutthe iranswe rsonWorkshe e tJ
"Se xuality." Othe rpointsfordiscussionandcoupledialogue : Whe nyouwe regrowingup,withwhom
didyoufe e lcomfortablewhe ntalkingaboutyourque stionsconce rningse x? Whatmadethatpe rson
e asytotalkwith? Howimportantisse xinaChristiancouple 'smarriage ? Whatdiffe re ncewouldbe ing
aChristianmakeinacouple 'sse xualre lationshipinmarriage ? Howwillyoure spondandde alwithitif,
afte ryouaremarrie d,anothe rpe rsonisattracte dtoyouandapproache syou? Whatifyoufindyourse lf
attracte dtoanothe rpe rson? Othe rque stionsmightbe :Whatisyourle ve lofcomfortatthistimein
yourre lationship? Whatifyoule arnthatanothe rpe rsonisattracte dtoyourspouse ? Whatifyoufind
thatyourspouseisattracte dtoanothe rpe rson?
Discusspairbonding. UsingHandout8:PairBonding,discusstheste psintheformationofa
strongandhe althypairbond. The seste psprovideinformationofusetocouple sinunde rstanding
aspe ctsofthe ircurre ntre lationship,instre ngthe ningthe irfuturemarriage ,andinguardingagainstthe
formationofinappropriatebondsoutsidethemarriage .
Discussfamilyplanning. Itisimportantthatopportunitybegive nfordiscussionandque stions
bythecoupleonthetopicoffamilyplanning. Forcoupledialogue :Howmanychildre nwouldbeide al
foryou? Whe nwillyouplanforthefirsttobeborn? Willyouusecontrace ptive s,orhowwillyou
accomplishfamilyplanning? Howdoe syourfiance (e )fe e laboutthe seissue s? Whatareyourattitude s
aboutabortion?
Reviewthecouple'sweddingplanswiththem. We ddingplanningofte nisatimeofstre ssfor
couple s. Duringthisse ssion,oratanadditionalse ssion,the ymaywishtore vie wthe irplanningwith
you. Youcanre assureandcomfortthe masthe yconside rthede tailsofthe irwe ddingday. He lpthe m
anticipatewhatthe irre spe ctivefamilie smaye xpe ctandtoe mpathizewithothe rfamilyme mbe rs. The y
mayne e dhe lpwiththere solutionofdifficultde tails,suchaswho'sinchargeofthewe ddingplansand
re ce ption,placinglimitationsonspe nding,e tc. Invitethecoupletomakealistofwhatthe ywantthe ir
we ddingtore fle ctandwhatwouldbeple asingtobothse tsofre lative s. He lpthe mfocusonthece ntral
purposeofthece re monyace le brationofthe irloveandthepublicaffirmationofthe irpromise sto
e achothe rbe foreGod.
Makeanappointmentforthepostweddingsession. Thisse ssion,de scribe dbe low,should
occur
approximate ly
six
months
afte r
the
we dding.
Session8:PostweddingSession
Helpduringthefirstyear. Priortomarriageandforape riodthe re afte r,couple sareofte nina
stateofblisse motionallyde tache dfromre ality,andnotve ryope ntoinput. Somere se archshows
thatafte rthesixthmonththe ycometose ethe mse lve sinmorere alisticte rmsandarere adyforhe lp
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thatthe ywouldpre viouslyhaveignore d. Thee arlymonthsofmarriageareatimewhe nthepair
de ve lopsthe irinte ractionpatte rns,whichthe nbe comehabitualtothe m. Ifthe sepatte rnsaregrowth
promoting,the ywillmovetowarde motionalclose ne ssandtrueone ne ss. Othe rwise ,there lationship
willte ndtomovetowarddisillusionme ntandalie nation.
Topicstobeaddressed. Are asofconce rnwhichmightbeaddre sse dinclude :1)adjustme nt;
2)communication;3)e nrichme nt. Invitethe mtotalkwithe achothe randtoyouabout:Whatarethe
mostpositivee xpe rie nce syouhavehadduringthefirstmonthsofmarriage ? Whe rehaveyouhadthe
gre ate stdifficulty? Onwhichare asareyouworkingtoge the rwe ll? Onwhichareyouhavingdifficulty?
Havete nsionsorblocksde ve lope dinyourcommunication? Howareyoudoinginconflictre solution?
Encouragethecoupletose tasidere gulartimeforcouplede votionsandformarriage
e nrichme nt,throughre ading,atte ndanceatamarriagee nrichme ntre tre at,orre gularvisitswitha
pastororcounse lor.
Anyare asnotthoroughlycove re dduringthepremarriagese ssions(incomple tediscussions,
re ading,workshe e ts)mayberevisite datthistime . Additionalse ssionsmaybeplanne dasthene e ds
aree xpre sse dbythecouple .
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Ange le s:
PsychologicalPublications,Inc.
Trathe n,D.(1992).AChristianpremaritalmanual.Little ton,Co:Southwe stCounse lingAssociate s.
Worthington,E.L.(1990).Counselingbeforemarriage.Dallas:WordPublishing.
Wright,H.N.(1985).Soyou'regettingmarried.Ve ntura,CA:Re galBooks.
Wright,H.N.(1992).Thepremaritalcounselinghandbook.Chicago:MoodyPre ss.
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Handout1
ANAFFIRMATIONOFMARRIAGE
Marriageisverygood. Inre sponsetoaque stionaboutmarriage ,Je suspointe dHishe are rs
backtomarriageasordaine datcre ation(Matt.19:3),whe nGodpronounce dallthings"ve rygood"
(Ge n.1:31). Themarriageofthefirsthumanpairportraye dGod'side alforthisre lationship. The ywe re
"onefle sh"andnake dandunashame d(Ge n.2:24,25). Inthe irunionGodprovide dforlove ,affe ction
andcompanionshipaswe llasthepe rpe tuationofthehumanfamily(Ge n.2:18;Prov.5:18;Ge n.1:28).
Marriageishonorable(He b.13:4). Amanwhofindsawife"findswhatisgood"(Prov.18:22NIV).
Marriagehasbeenpervertedbysin,butrestoredbygrace. Thesinofthefirstcouplealte re d
the irre lationship. Inobe die ncetoGod,the irmarrie dlive shadbe e nharmoniousandpe ace ful.
Disobe die ncebroughtconse que nce sthatadve rse lyaffe cte dthe mpe rsonallyandinthe irmarriage
(Ge n.3:616). Powe rstruggle sinmarriage ,blaming,distrust,andabusehavebe e ne xhibite d
e ve rywhe resincethefallofthefirstmarrie dcouple . Thee ntranceofsinchange dthewaycouple s
e xpe rie ncemarriage . These lfishne ssofhumanhe artscause dittobesome thingfarle ssthanGod's
ide al. Butthegoodne wsofthegospe lconce rningmarriageisthatsin'spowe risbroke n. Bythegrace
of
God
the
e xpe rie nce
of
marriage
can
be
ve ry
good.
Marriageisathreefold,lifelongcovenant. Whe namanandwomanmarrythe ye nte rintoa
cove nantwithe achothe r,withsocie ty,andwithGodtobefaithfultooneanothe runtilde ath(Prov.
2:17;Mal.2:14). Asthegospe lise xpe rie nce dinmarriage ,there lationshipofthepartne rswithe ach
othe risfashione dafte rthelike ne ssofthedivinecove nantwithhumanity(Psalms89:34;Lame nt.3:23).
The yaretolove ,se rveandforgiveasHelove s,se rve sandforgive s(John15:12;Matt.20:2628;Eph.
5:2133;Titus2:4,Eph.4:32). Thecoupledrawsstre ngthfromtheprovisionsmadeinthedivine
cove nant,Godpromisinggraceandpowe rtoe nablethe mtodowhatthe ycouldnotdoonthe irown
(Eph.6:10;Phil.4:13). Hiscove nantloveknitstoge the rwhatsinse parate s(Col2:2). Thiscove nant,with
thecrossofChristatitsce nte r,make spossibletheintimateunionofamanandawomaninmarriage .
As
the
cross
is
uplifte d,
spouse s
who
have
be come
alie nate d
may
be
brought
ne ar
to
God
and
to
e ach
othe r. ThebloodofJe susbre aksdownthewallsofhostilitythatthee ne myhasbuiltup(Eph2:13,14).
Marriageisaunionofequals. Fromtheve rybe ginning,maleandfe malewe ree quallyforme d
intheimageofGod,e quallyble sse d,andmadecore ge ntsove rthee arth(Ge n.1:2628). Je suse le vate d
thepartiallyloststatusofwome n,tre atingthe mwithloveandre spe ctandre storingthe iroriginal
cre atione qualitywithme n(Mark10:212;14:39;John4:730;8:111). TheapostlePaulde clare sthat
allhumanbe ings,re gardle ssofrace ,se xorageareonebyvirtueofcre ation(Acts17:26)and
re de mption(Gal.3:28). Heproclaime dthatChristhasbroke nthebarrie rsofpre judice ,re ligious
traditionandcustomsthatcauseonegrouptovie wanothe rasinfe rior(Eph.2:14,16). Pauluphe ldthe
rightsofhusbandsandwive sase qualsinthe irmaritalre lationship(1Cor.7:35). Pe te rspe aksof
marrie dcouple sasbe ing"he irstoge the rofthegraceoflife "(1Pe te r3:7). Whilesomeobvious
capabilitie s
pe rtaining
to
human
re production
be long
unique ly
to
e ach
of
the
se xe s,
the
pote ntial
of
e achspouseisnotothe rwiselimite dorfixe dbyge nde r. Inthe irloving,trustingre lationship,e achis
abletopursueinte re sts,fillrole s,andtakere sponsibilitie saccordingtothe irspiritualgifte dne ss,
aptitude s,tale ntsandabilitie s.
Marriageisadynamicrelationship. Marriageisaunionoftwope oplewhoundoubte dlyshare
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somecommonvalue s,butwhowillne ve rthe le ssne e dtoworkatmakingnume rousadjustme nts
throughoutthe irlive stoge the r. Spouse sfre que ntlyareve rydiffe re ntinte mpe rame nt,habitsand
taste s. Educationandbackgrounds,life styleandthestructureofthefamilie sinwhichthe yg r e wupall
haveanimpactonthene wmarriage . Thetwowholinkthe irlive sinmarriagebringtothe irunionthe ir
hope s,the irplans,the irstre ngthsandthe irwe akne sse s. Atthe irwe ddingthe ybe ginaproce ssof
ble ndingthe irdre ams,modifyingthe ire xpe ctationsandde alingwithe achothe r'simpe rfe ctions. Force s
atworkwithinandaroundthe mwillproducechange sinthe mpe rsonally,inthe irmarriageandinthe ir
re lationshipswithothe rs. Inthe irpassagethroughlife ,variousphase swillbee ncounte re d,e achwith
somebuiltin,pre dictablecrise sthatcanandofte nwilloccur. The selifecyclestage sandothe rstre sse s
inlivingwillre quireongoingadaptation.
Thisproce ssofmaturing,copingwithchangeandadjustingtoe achothe rinwaysthatprovide
satisfyingle ve lsofintimacythisgrowingisacontinuouse xpe rie nce . Marriageisthe re forenotstatic,
butdynamic. Somecouple sarebe tte re quippe dthanothe rsinde alingwiththe irdiffe re ntne ss,
handlingchange sandinmakingtheadjustme ntsne ce ssaryforahe althy,life longmarriage . Virtuallyall,
howe ve r,ne e dsomehe lpinanticipatingchange ,pre paringforitandlivingsucce ssfullythroughthe
se asonsofthe irlive sandmarriage s. Enrichme ntprogramswhichassistcouple sinde ve lopingre lational
skills,
support
ne tworks
of
caring
couple s,
and
marriage
counse ling
are
important
re source s
to
e nable
couple stome e tthede mandsofconte mporarymarriageandlifetoge the r.
Marriageisaministry. Eachcoupleisaministryunitwhichcanbehighlye ffe ctiveinre aching
outtostre ngthe nande ncourageothe rcouple sandindividuals. Agre atne e dispre se ntinthelive sof
countle sshusbandsandwive sforguidanceande ncourage me ntinthe irmarriage s. Fe we randfe we r
couple shavemode lsoflasting,committe d,satisfyingChristianmarriage satwhichtolookforapatte rn
forthe irownre lationship. Socie talpre ssure sagainstmarriagearesuchastone ce ssitatethee nlistme nt
ofe ve ryavailableChristiancoupleinoutre achandsupportforothe rmarrie dcouple s. Inthepre se nce
ofsuchcaringcouple s,manyhusbandsandwive swillse eapracticalde monstrationofGod'slove ,find
re assuranceforthe iride ntity,comfortinthemidstofdifficultyandhopetocarrythe mforward.
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Handout2
COMMUNICATIONCOMPONENTS
COMMUNICATIONCOMPONENTS
7%Words
38%
Tone of Voice
55%
Nonverbals
Ofthetotalfe e lingconve ye dinaspoke nme ssage ,7%isve rbalfe e ling,38%isvocalfe e ling,and55%is
facialfe e ling. Be causewearemorelike lytoce nsorourwordsthanouractionsine xpre ssingourwords,
itisve rycommontofindinconsiste ncie sbe twe e nthe setwole ve lsofcommunication. Wearemore
like lytousewordstocomme ntontheothe r'sactionsandmorelike lytousenonve rbalme ssage sto
comme ntontheothe rasape rson. Itisthelatte rse tofme ssage sthatappe arstodictateboth
satisfactionwiththee ncounte randattractiontotheothe rpe rson,aswe llastoqualifythewaysin
whichthespoke nwordswillbeunde rstood.
Me hrabian,
A.
(1972).Nonverbal
communication.
Chicago:
Aldine
Athe rton
in
Stuart,
R.
B.
(1980). Helpingcoupleschange. Ne wYork:TheGuilfordPre ss.
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Handout3
LISTENINGEFFECTIVELY
Liste ningisale arne dskillanditcanbede ve lope d. Moree ffe ctiveliste ningwillshowourlove ,
careandsupportmorefullyandhe lpourre lationshipsgrow.
Listennonverbally. Donotliste npassive ly;liste nactive ly. Liste nforwords,toneofvoice ,
facialandbodylanguage . Whe nape rsonswordsandbodylanguagese nddiffe re ntme ssage s,be lie ve
thebodylanguage . Re me mbe rthatjustashe rnonve rbalsconve yfe e lingme ssage s,sodoyours. As
youareliste ning,se ndnonve rbalme ssage swithyourbody: Maintaingoode yecontact,give
appropriatefaciale xpre ssion,nodyourhe ad,smileorge sturewithyourhandsoccasionallyas
appropriate ,stayclosephysically,withyourbodypositionle aningslightlytowardthespe ake r,and
touchoccasionally.
Listenverbally. Whe nweliste nactive ly,wealsogivesomeve rbalre sponsetoindicatetothe
othe rpe rsonthathisme ssagehasbe e nhe ardandcorre ctlyunde rstood. Somere sponse saresimple
doorope ne rs,the ye ncouragetheindividualtocontinuespe aking. Suchre sponse sle tthe mknowyou
are
still
with
the m,
still
active ly
liste ning:
Mmmmm,Ise e ,Ye s,Oh? Re ally?The nwhathappe ne d?Wow!Te llmeaboutit.
Allowape rsontoe xpre sshimse lfascomple te lyashewishe swithoutinte rrupting,e xce ptto
summarizeasofte nasisne ce ssaryforyoutoaccurate lyre fle cthisme ssage . Atanappropriatejuncture
youcansay,Le tmese eifIvehe ardwhatyousaid. The ne nde avortobrie flysummarizeboththe
conte ntandfe e ling. YoucanintroduceyoursummarywithIhe aryousaying...,Youse e mtobe
saying...orItsoundslikeyoufe e l.... The nre phrasethepe rsonscomme ntsinyourownwords,
incorporatingthefe e lingwordsheorshehasuse dorsynonymsforthe m. Iftheindividualhasnotuse d
fe e lingwords,the ne nde avortoide ntifythe irfe e lingsande xpre ssthe minwordsinyoursummary. It
soundslikeyoureconfuse daboutwhe the rtotryoutforthete am. Youfe e lgoodaboutyourte st
re sults,
but
you
we re
anxious
during
the
e xam.
So,
your
boss
aske d
Sally
to
take
ove r
the
ope n
positioninste adofyou? Thatmustvere allyhurt! Afte re achsummary,youcansaysome thinglike ,Is
the reanythingmore ?orIminte re ste dinhe aringmore toe ncouragefurthe rsharing.
Liste ningactive lyconve yse mpathy,acce ptance ,andfre e domwithsupport. Althoughothe rs
maysome time scommunicateange r,frustration,disappointme nt,e mbarrassme nt,painandothe r
ne gativee motions,the yne e dtoknowthatthe yareacce pte de ve nfe e lingthewaythe ydo.
Listeningsummary. Ape rsonwhore allyliste ns:
Liste nsforbothfe e lingsandconte nt.
Acce pts
the
one
se nding
the
me ssage ,
e ve n
though
his
words
and/or
fe e lings
may
not
be
ple asant.
Che cksbackwiththespe ake rtode te rminewhe the rtheme ssagehasbe e nre ce ive dcorre ctly.
Re pe atstheproce ssiftheme ssagewasincorre ctlyre ce ive d.
Listeningformula:Liste n...acce pt...che ckback.
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Handout4
LEVELSOFCOMMUNICATION
LevelOne:ClichConversation...Thistypeoftalkisve rysafe . Weusephrase ssuchas"howareyou?"
"How'sthedog?" "Whe rehaveyoube e n?" "Ilikeyourdre ss." Inthistypeofconve rsationthe reisno
pe rsonalsharing. Eachpe rsonre mainssafe lybe hindhisde fe nse s.
LevelTwo:ReportingtheFactsaboutOthers...Inthiskindofconve rsationweareconte nttote ll
othe rswhatsome onee lsehassaid,butweoffe rnope rsonalinformationonthe sefacts. Were portthe
factslikethesixo'clockne ws. Wesharegossipandlittlenarrationsbutwedonotcommitourse lve sas
tohowwefe e laboutit.
LevelThree:MyIdeasandJudgments...Re alcommunicationbe ginstounfoldhe re . Thepe rsonis
willingtoste poutofhissolitaryconfine me ntandriskte llingsomeofhiside asandde cisions. Heisstill
cautious. Ifhese nse sthatwhatheissayingisnotbe ingacce pte d,hewillre tre at.
LevelFour:MyFeelingsorEmotions...Atthisle ve lthepe rsonshare showhefe e lsaboutfacts,ide as,
andjudgme nts. Hisfe e lingsunde rne aththe seare asarere ve ale d. Forape rsontore allysharehimse lf
withanothe rindividualhemustmovetothele ve lofsharinghisfe e lings.
LevelFive:CompleteEmotionalandPersonalCommunication...Allde e pre lationshipsmustbebase d
onabsoluteope nne ssandhone sty. Thismaybedifficulttoachie vebe causeitinvolve srisk theriskof
be ingre je cte d. Butitisvitalifre lationshipsaretogrow. The rewillbetime swhe nthistypeof
communicationisnotascomple teasitcouldbe .
Adapte dfromPowe ll,J.(1969). WhyamIafraidtotellyouwhoIam?Nile s,IL:Argus
Communications
and
Robe rts,
W.,
&
Wright,
H.
N.
(1978).Before
you
say
"I
do".
Irvine ,
CA:
Harve st
HousePublishe rs.
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Handout6
BIBLEHINTSONCOMMUNICATION
1. Thesurewaytohaveappropriatewordsistohaveapre pare dhe art. Matthe w12:34
35;Jame s3:1718;Prove rbs25:11.
2. These cre tofcommunicatingisnottalkingbutliste ning. Jame s1:19;Prove rbs18:13.
3.
Acce ntuate
the
positive .
Romans
12:21;
1
The ssalonians
5:16
18.
4. Admitwhe nyou'rewrong. Forgiveandforge t. Jame s5:16;Colossians3:13.
5. Avoidargume ntsove rtrifle s. Don'tcriticizee achothe r,re storeoneanothe r. 2
Timothy2:14;Galatians6:1.
6. Nagginggrate sonthene rve slikeadrippingfauce t. Prove rbs27:15.
7. Acce ptthefe e lingsofothe rsandbete nde randcourte oustooneanothe r. Ephe sians
4:2,32.
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Handout7
STEPSINCREATIVEPROBLEMSOLVING
1. De alwithissue s,grie vance sandpote ntialconflictsituationsasthe yoccur. Workonthecurre nt
situationwithoutbringingupthepast.
2. Liste nandshare . Usecommunicationskills. Attacktheproble mortheconflict,notthepartne r.
"Noneofyoushouldthinkonlyofhisownaffairs,bute achshouldle arntose ethingsfromothe r
pe ople 'spointofvie w"(Philippians2:4,Phillips).
3. Thinkoftheproble minte rmsofe achone 'sne e ds. Lookbe ne aththesurfaceforfactorsine ach
pe rson'slifewhicharedrivinghimorhe rtotakethepositionbe ingtake n. Arethe rehe alth,
safe ty,
or
se curity
ne e ds?
Ne e ds
for
love ,
be longing,
acce ptance ,
or
se lf
worth?
4. Trytoaccommodate . Whe nyourpartne re xpre sse sane e d,askyourse lftheque stion,"Isthe re
anywayIcanaccommodatehim/he rtoshowmyre spe ctandmylove ?"
5. Conside ralte rnativesolutions. Whe nne e dsconflictoraccommodationcannotbemade ,mutual
re spe ctmandate sthatasolutionbefoundthatme e tsthene e dsofboth. Exploreallpossible
alte rnative s,lookingate ve rypossibilitythatmightsolvetheproble m.Donotjudgeore valuate
alte rnative satthispoint. Itwillbehe lpfultoactuallywritedownthe sealte rnative s,e ve nthose
thatmayappe arfarfe tche d.
6.
Evaluate
your
possibilitie s,
se le cting
the
"be st"
solution.
Discard
any
that
are
unacce ptable
to
e ithe rofyou. (Ge ne rally,ifthe yareunacce ptable ,oneortheothe r'sinne rne e dsarenotbe ing
satisfie d.) Ge ne ratemorealte rnative sifne ce ssary. Makesurebothfe e lthatthe irne e dshave
be e nme t. Theimportantthingisnotwhichalte rnativeyouchoose ,butthatbothfe e lgood
aboutwhathasbe e nworke dout.
7. Plantore asse ssthesolution. Iftheproble minvolve smorethanaonetimesituation,plana
futuretimethatisacce ptabletoyoubothwhe nthee ffe ctive ne ssofthesolutioncanbe
e valuate d.
8. Atte ndtothene e dsforhe alinginthere lationship. Conflictcre ate sstre ss. Sharingde e p
fe e lingsisofte ndifficultande motionallye xhausting. Praytoge the r. Taketimeforsome
positive ,
re lationship
building
e xpe rie nce
toge the r.
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Handout 8
PAIR BONDING
naked, unashamed.12. One flesh
11. Arousal: Hand to
one flesh . . . 10. Nurturance: Mouth to Br
For this reason 9. Unconditional acceptance: Hand t
a man shall . . . 8. Trust: Hand to Head
7. Self disclosure: Face to Face
6. Shared vision: Arm to Waist
5. Belonging: Arm to Shoulder
cleave . . . 4. Connectedness: Hand to Hand What
3. Communication: Voice to Voice
2. Awakened interest: Eye to Eye
leave . . . 1. Discovery: Eye to Body
Sequence for establishing a life-long, exclusive, one-flesh bond.
Adapted from Joy, D. (1996).Bonding: Relationships in the image of God, 2nded.Nappanee, IN: Evangel Publi
Intimate behavior.New York, NY: Random House.
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Workshe e tA
AMIREADYFORMARRIAGE?
Ifyouareconte mplatingmarriage ,thinkcare fullyaboutthefollowingque stions. Canyouanswe re ach
one
Ye s?
Which
answe rs
are
No?
Of
which
are
you
unce rtain?
In
the
space
provide d
place
a
"Y"
if
your
answe r
isYe s,"N"ifyouranswe risNo,and"?"ifyouareunce rtain. Discussyouranswe rswithGodinpraye r. Alsose e k
confirmationofyourmarriageplansfromyourpare nts,yourpastor,are lative ,oranothe rwhomyoutrustasa
spiritualguide .
Evaluatingyourpersonalpreparation. Ismyre lationshipwithJe susChristpe rsonallysatisfying?
DoIhaveapositiveoutlookonlife ? CanIcarryre sponsibility? HaveIchose nmylifecare e r? AmIa
sourceofe ncourage me ntforothe rs? DoIre latetomypare ntsinanadultway? DoIre cove rquicklywhe n
Iame motionallyhurtorangry? AmIre adytomakeacommitme nttoonepe rson? Doothe rsfe e lIam
re ady
for
marriage ?
Selectingapotentiallifepartner. Isthispe rsoncommitte dtoJe susChrist? Ishe /shepe rsonally
pre pare dformarriage ? DoIhaveastrongconvictionthatthispe rsonvalue smuchthesamethingsinlifeasI
do? DoIlovethispe rsonde e plye ve nwithhis/he rflaws? CanIbefle xibleandaccommodatingoftheways
inwhichthispe rsonisandwillbediffe re ntfromme ?
Wouldamarriagebe twe e nushe lpbothofusspiritually? Canthismarriagebeble sse dinourchurch? Do
othe rsfe e lIknowthispe rsonwe lle nough?
Preparingas
acouple.
Have
we
praye d
ofte n
toge the r?
Have
we
share d
our
thoughts
and
fe e lings
aboutGod,church,Christianse rvice ,care e rs,mone y,se xuality,inlaws,childre n? Doweknowandacce pt
e achothe r'sfamily? Haveweplanne dhowtore achourgoalsinlifeandhowtoadjustshouldwefailtore ach
the m? Havewediscusse dourmarriagepatte rn whathis/he rre sponsibilitie swillbe ? Canwetruste ach
othe rwithourde e pe stfe ars? Havewehone stlycompare doure xpe ctationsofe achothe rincludingthe
thingswe 'dliketochangeinoneanothe r? Doe sourlovebondallowfortheindividualityofe achothe r? Do
weknowbye xpe rie ncethatwecansolveproble msandhandleconflictswe lltoge the r? Willwehavethe
supportofre lative sandfrie ndsinourmarriage ? Havewesoughtthewisdomofourpare nts,apastor,a
counse lororsome onee lsewhoknowsuswe lltohe lpusmakeourfinalde cisiontomarry?
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Workshe e tB
CELEBRATINGOURDIFFERENCES
1. Somewaysmyfianc (e )andIarealikeare :
2. Somewaysmyfiance (e )andIarediffe re ntare :
3. Wete ndtode alwithourdiffe re nce sby:
4. Someare asinwhichIwouldliketose echange sinmyfiance (e )are :
5. Waysinwhichourdiffe re nce scouldbeconside re daspositivefactorsinourmarriageare :
6. Waysinwhichthepre se nceofJe susChristinourlive swillhe lpusadjusttodiffe re nce sinourfuture
marriageare :
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Workshe e tC
COMMUNICATIONCHECKLIST
Answe rthefollowingque stionsforyourse lfandasyouse eyourpartne r. Usethefollowingfourpointscale : 1=
Usually;
2
=
Some time s;
3
=
Se ldom;
and
4
=
Ne ve r.
Yourse lf YourPartne r
____ 1. Doyou/yourpartne rhaveate nde ncytosaythingswhichwouldbebe tte r ____
le ftunsaid?
____ 2. Isithardtounde rstandyour/yourpartne r'sfe e lingsandattitude s? ____
____ 3. Doyou/yourpartne rwithdrawfromtalkingaboutare aswhichmakee ithe r ____
orbothofyouuncomfortableorwhichareasourceofconflictbe twe e nyou?
____ 4. Doyou/yourpartne rpre te ndtoliste nwhe nactuallyyouarenotliste ning? ____
____ 5. Doyou/yourpartne rputtheothe rdown? ____
____ 6. Doyou/yourpartne rsayonethingwhe nyoure allyme ananothe r? ____
____ 7. Doyou/yourpartne rfindmuchofinte re sttotalktotoge the rabout? ____
____ 8. Areyour/yourpartne r'sve rbalandnonve rbalme ssage sinagre e me ntwhe n ____
youcommunicate ?
____ 9. Canyou/yourpartne rdiscloseyourinne rmostthoughtsandfe e lingstothe ____
othe rwithoutfe ar?
____
10.
Do
you/your
partne r
fre que ntly
affirm
the
othe r
ve rbally?
____
Adapte dfromTrathe n,D.W.,Editor.(1992).AChristianpremaritalmanual. Little ton,CO:Southwe st
Counse lingAssociate s.
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Workshe e tD
COMMUNICATIONANDUS
1.
Are as
in
our
re lationship
whe re
I
fe e l
communication
is
ve ry
good.
2. Are asinourre lationshipwhe recommunicationisre asonablygood,butwhe rethe re 'sroomfor
improve me nt.
3. Someare asweavoidcommunicatingaboutare :
4. ThingsIcandotoope ncommunicationinthe seare asandimprovecommunicationinourmarriage .
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Workshe e tE
SOMETIMESWEDON'TAGREE
Topre sumethatyouwillnotargueafte ryouaremarrie diside alistic;itsimplyisnottrue .Youwill
argue . Manypsychologistswouldsaythatagoodargume ntisofte nhe althybe causeitpromote sdialogue
(couple
talk
with
one
anothe r)
and
good
communication.
Toge tintouchwithyourfe e lingsandthemanne rinwhichyouargue ,answe rthefollowingque stions
andshareyourre sponse swithyourpartne r.
1. Whe nIge tangry,Ite ndto...
2. Whe nyourareangry,youte ndto...
3. Ourlastargume ntwaswhe n...
4.
That
argume nt
was
cause d
by
.
.
.
5. Wesolve dourproble mby...
Lookove rthebe haviorsliste dbe lowthatareofte nuse dtoe xpre ssorre spondtoange rorne gative
fe e lings. Ine achcase ,de cidewhe the ritcharacte rize syou,yourpartne r,bothofyou,orne ithe rofyou. Placea
che ckmarkintheappropriatecolumn.
Me You Both Ne ithe r
Sile nce
Blaming
Ye lling
Pouting
Sarcasm
Avoidance
Appe ase me nt
Crying
Thre ate ning
Physicalviole nce
Adapte dfromTrathe n,D.W.(Ed.)(1992).Fightingfair:AChristianpremaritalmanual.Little ton,CO:
Southwe stCounse lingAssociate s.
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24
Workshe e tF
DAVIDANDMICHAL
Re ad
toge the r
2
Samue l
6:12
23.
Discuss
the
following
with
your
fianc (e ):
1. HowwasDavidfe e lingabouthimse lfashecamehome ?
2. HowwasMichalfe e lingwhe nDavidcamehome ?
3.
Imitate
what
you
think
he r
body
language
and
tone
of
voice
was
like
as
she
spoke
to
David.
4. De scribethefe e lingsine achofthe masthe ye xchange dthe irhe ate dwords.
5. Thinkofmode rndayte rmsore xpre ssionsthatDavidandMichalwouldhaveuse d.
6.
How
do
you
think
the ir
words
made
e ach
othe r
fe e l
inside
the mse lve s.
7. WhydoyouthinkMichalne ve rhadanychildre n?
8. HowcouldMichalandDavidhavehandle dthesituationinale ssde structivemanne r?
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25
Workshe e tG
CONFLICTSITUATIONS
Use
the
following
situations
to
build
your
proble m
solving
skills.
Employ
the
ste ps
in
proble m
solving
in
e achcase .
CaseStudy#1
Sue ,wholike stowe arthelate stfashions,re turnsfromashoppingtripwithse ve ralune xpe cte doutfits. Doug,
re are dinahomewhe ree ve rype nnywaspinche d,knowsthatthe yhavealre adyove rspe ntthe irlimitandte lls
he rshecannotke e pthe m.
CaseStudy#2
Lloyd'smothe rdide ve rythingforhim fromstraighte ninghistietopickinguphisunde rwe arandpajamas.
Jane t,afte ronlyamonthofmarriagehasgrownwe aryofconstantlyre mindinghimtocle anupafte rhimse lf.
Lloyde nte rsthebe droominmidafte rnoonandwantstoknowwhyit'sstillame ss.
CaseStudy#3
Barry'spare nts,wholiveinthesametownasBarryandDonna,havete le phone dtosaythe y'redroppingbyfora
short
visit.
Donna,
re minding
Barry
that
the y've
visite d
in
this
manne r
for
thre e
we e ks
in
a
row
and
have
staye d
thewholee ve ning,complainsofinvasionofprivacy. Barryre fuse stodoanythingaboutit.
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26WorksheetH
ROLESEXPLORATION
Inyourmarriage,whowilldothefollowingthings?
ChecktheappropriatespaceunderHusband,Wife,BothorOther. Endeavortoberealistic. Toomany"Boths"willbe
suspect! HUSBAND WIFE BOTH OTHER
1. Earnincome ___
2. Planthefamilybudget ___
3. Supervisehusband'sspending ___
4. Supervisethewife'sspending ___
5. Supervisechild(ren)'sspending ___
6. Paythebills ___
7. Makemajorpurchasingdecisions ___
8. Makedecisionsrehisvocation ___
9. Makedecisionsrehervocation ___
10. Makedecisionsrehiseducation ___
11.
Made
decisions
re
her
education
___
12. Decidecommunityforhome ___
13. Choosetheactualdwelling ___
14. Choosedecorandfurnishings ___
15. Planthemenu ___
16. Dothegroceryshopping ___
17. Putawaygroceries ___
18. Decidewhentoeatout ___
19. Dothebaking ___
20. Preparethemeals ___
21. Setthetable ___
22. Washthedishes ___
23.
Vacuum
or
sweep
___
24. Takeoutthetrash ___
25. Cleantherefrigerator ___
26. Cleantheoven ___
27. Cleanthebathroom(s) ___
28. Washthewindows ___
29. Changethebeds ___
30. Makethebeds ___
31. Choosehiswardrobe ___
32. Choosethewife'swardrobe ___
33. Choosechild(ren)'swardrobe ___
34. Washtheclothes ___
35.
Iron
the
clothes
___
36. Putawaythecleanclothes ___
37. Careforminorhouseholdrepairs ___
38. Arrangeformajorrepairs ___
39. Cutthegrass ___
40. Trimshrubbery ___
41. Plantflowersand/orvegetables ___
42. Keepwalkwayclean ___
43. Weedflowersand/orvegetables ___
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2744. Rakeleaves ___
45. Decidethekindofvehicletobuy ___
46. Selecttheactualvehicle ___
47. Careforthevehicle'sexterior ___
48. Careforthevehicle'sinterior ___
49. Careforautoservicing ___
50.
Decide
the
kind(s)
of
pet(s)
___51. Feedthepet(s) ___
52. Keepthepets(s)clean ___
53. Decidethekindofentertainment ___
54. DecidewhichTVprogramtosee ___
55. Decideonrecreation ___
56. Choosefriends ___
57. Keepsocialcalendar ___
58. Decidethechurchyouattend ___
59. Decidehowoftenyouattend ___
60. Leadinfamilyworship ___
61. Decidechurch&charitygifts ___
62.
Plan
holiday
activities
___
63. Planthevacation ___
64. Decidevacationexpenses ___
65. Decidegiftexpenses ___
66. Decidewhentovisitinlaws ___
67. Decidewhentoinviteinlaws ___
68. Initiatesexualintimacy ___
69. Decideaboutcontraceptives ___
70. Decideifyouwillhavechildren ___
71. Decidethenumberofchildren ___
72. Namethechild(ren) ___
73. Changediapers ___
74.
Wash
diapers
___
75. Feedthechild(ren) ___
76. Bathethechild(ren) ___
77. Playwiththechild(ren) ___
78. Putchild(ren)tobed ___
79. Careforchild(ren)'stoys ___
80. Getupatnightwithchild(ren) ___
81. Nursechild(ren)whensick ___
82. Disciplinechild(ren) ___
83. Helpchild(ren)withhomework ___
84. Transportchild(ren)toschool ___
85. Transportchild(ren)fromschool ___
86.
Transport
them
to
activities
___
87. Instructchild(ren)spiritually ___
88. Teachchild(ren)aboutsex ___
89. Selectbabysitter ___
90. Makedecisiontoadoptchild(ren) ___
91. Decidewhichchild(ren)toadopt ___
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28
WorksheetI
HOUSEHOLDBUDGET
Monthly Yearly
Tithe _____
Offerings _____
CharitableContributions _____
Rent/MortgagePayment _____
Utilities _____
Electricity
________Gas ________
TrashPickup ________
Water ________
Telephone ________
Food _____
Loans _____
CarPayment ________
SchoolLoan ________
InstallmentPurchases ________
Other
________
Insurance _____
Medical ________
Life ________
Auto ________
Other ________
ClothingPurchases _____
Laundry/DryCleaning _____
Medical&DentalFund _____
Savings _____
ProfessionalDues
&Journals,Etc. _____
CarExpenses _____
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29
MarriageEnrichment _____
HouseholdSupplies _____
PersonalAllowances _____
Recreation,Entertainment
&Vacations _____
Miscellaneous _____
Haircuts ________
Newspapers/Magazines ________
GiftsChristmas,
Birthdays,etc. ________
Other ________
TotalExpenses
_____
TotalIncome _____
Balance(+or) _____
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Workshe e tJ
SEXUALITY
1. Se xuale xpre ssionbe twe e nmeandmyspousewillbesacre dbe cause...
2. Howwouldyoude scribethediffe re nce sandsimilaritie sbe twe e nse xandlove ?
3.
As
I
think
about
my
se xuality,
I
fe e l
good
about
.
.
.
4. AsIthinkaboutmyse xuality,Iworrythat...
5. Inourmarriage ,Ibe lie veIwille njoyourse xuale xpe rie nceaswe... (Ide ntifysomeappropriatese xual
be haviorswithinyourmaritalre lationship.)
6.
Ide ntify
ways
you
as
a
husband
and
wife
may
te ach
your
childre n
about
se x.