A survival guide for whensomeone you know has a stroke

A Stroke

A Stroke of Bad Luck

A survival guide when someone you know suffers a stroke

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James Divine

Copyright © 2016 James Divine

All rights reserved.

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DISCLAIMER

This book is about my personal experience during my mom’s stroke. I am a product of my life. Everything I have been through has made me the person I am today, including my relationships. Your experience will probably be different than mine. I love my mom, but I also realize more and more how dysfunctional my upbringing was. Some of that dysfunction shows itself now even though I am 50 years old and mom is in her 70s.

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TABLEOFCONTENTS

THEDAYMYWORLDWASSHATTERED 6

PRAYERISALLYOUNEED…THAT’SALIE 7

HERCONDITIONSTABILIZES 9

WHATISASTROKE 10

EARLYRECOVERY 11

ANEMOTIONALROLLER-COASTERRIDE 12

WHEREWILLSHELIVE 16

AFTERMATH 19

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THEDAYMYWORLDWASSHATTERED

Iwasreturninghomefromanorchestrabanquetandwasgreeted

inthedrivewaybymywife.Shewastalkingnonsense–butweall

dointhemidstofaterriblesituation.

SusancamerunningintothedrivewayasIparked,shouting,“Get

some food in you….we’ve got to get to the hospital.” I was

confused.WhydoIneedsomefood?Ijustcamefromanallyou

caneatbuffet.Butmywife–always thecaring individual–was

thinkingofmyneedstoo.

“Yourmomhadastroke.She’satthehospitalnow.”

Nobody can prepare themselves for those words and the

emotionsthatsuddenlyflowoveryourentirebeing.

“Yourmomhadastroke…”

Thosewordsseemedtobouncearound the insideofmyhead. I

can’t describe how I felt at that moment. Perhaps I was

temporarilydevoidoffeelings.Numb!Iwasnumb…inafog…Ifelt

helpless.

Lesson#1:Noneofusisguaranteedtomorrow.Livelifewithno

regrets.

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PRAYERISALLYOUNEED…THAT’SALIE

PeopleoftenresorttoeasyplatitudesregardingGod…

Prayerisallyouneed…

JusttrustGod…Hewillheal…

IbelieveinGod!He’smyeverything!IdotrustHimforallthathas

happened,allthatishappening,andallthatwillhappen.

ButIdon’tbelieveprayerisallIneed.

Godputushere in community. Sometimesweare theonewho

comfortsothers.Other timeswewillbe theonescomforted.To

everythingthereisaseason.

Susan and I arrived at the hospital and found mom.Mom was

completely confused. She did not lookwell at all. She couldn’t

remembermuchofwhathadhappened toherorevenwhyshe

wasthere.Asbestaswecanputtogetherwithpiecesofwhatshe

remembers and witnesses, this is what appears to have

happened…

Momwas returning home from the grocery store in her vehicle

whenshewasgrippedbyahead-splitting,painfulheadache.She

managedtomake ithomebutknewthatsomethingwaswrong,

soshelimpedtoherfrontdoor,openeditandcalledoutforhelp

toa ladywalkingherdog.Momcollapsedonthe floor.The lady

called911.

Momwas brought to the hospital in an ambulance. The doctor

performedanMRIandfoundshehadhadahemorrhagicstroke,

whichmeansthatshehadbleedinginthebrain.

Thedoctorexplainedtousthattheprognosiswasnotgood.Mom

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was scheduled for emergency brain surgery early the next

morningtocleanupthehemorrhage.Thedoctorinformeduswe

shouldbeintouchwithfamilymembers.Icalledmysisterandmy

aunt to tell them the devastating news. We prepared for the

worst.Weprayed.Weprayedsomemore.

Lesson#2:Prayerisimportant.It’ssometimesallyouhave,but

it’snotallyouneed.

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HERCONDITIONSTABILIZES

I took thenextdayoffwork tobe there formom’ssurgery.The

doctororderedanotherMRI.Helikedtheimprovementhesawso

he cancelled the risky surgery. He wanted to see how healing

wouldprogressonitsown.Althoughmorestable,shewasstillin

considerabledanger.

The strokeoccurredon aWednesdaynight.On the Fridaynight

immediatelyfollowing,wewerescheduledtotakeaflighttothe

east coast to see my son’s law school graduation and visit his

family.Itwasatoughchoicetodecidetocontinuewithourtrip.I

knew if something happened tomomwhilewewere gone, the

falsefeelingsofguiltwouldsabotagemyspirit.

Lesson#3:Don’tletguilt–specificallyfalseguilt–causeyouto

makethewrongdecision.

Eachof youhas tomakeyourownchoice. Idecided toproceed

with our previous plans. Life goes on. Sincewe don’t know the

future,wecan’tletguiltdestroyus!

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WHATISASTROKE

ThisisthedescriptiongivenbytheNationalStrokeAssociationon

theirwebsitewww.stroke.org.

A stroke is a "brain attack". It can happen to anyone at any

time. It occurs when blood flow to an area of brain is cut off.

When this happens, brain cells are deprived of oxygen and

begin to die. When brain cells die during a stroke, abilities

controlled by that area of the brain such as memory and muscle

control are lost.

How a person is affected by their stroke depends on where the

stroke occurs in the brain and how much the brain is damaged.

For example, someone who had a small stroke may only have

minor problems such as temporary weakness of an arm or leg.

People who have larger strokes may be permanently paralyzed

on one side of their body or lose their ability to speak. Some

people recover completely from strokes, but more than 2/3 of

survivors will have some type of disability.

StrokeByTheNumbers

• Eachyearnearly800,000peopleexperienceanewor

recurrentstroke.

• Astrokehappensevery40seconds.

• StrokeisthefifthleadingcauseofdeathintheU.S.

• Every4minutessomeonediesfromstroke.

• Upto80percentofstrokescanbeprevented.

• StrokeistheleadingcauseofadultdisabilityintheU.S.

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EARLYRECOVERY

Afteraboutaweek,mombeganrehabinthehospital.Itconsisted

of speech, occupational and physical therapy. She was

cooperative, cheerful,positiveanddetermined togetoutof the

hospital…traitsIhadrarelyseeninherforover20years.Momhas

sufferedwhatappearstobeundiagnoseddepressionforthelast

20years.

AtthestartofrehabherpersonalityseemedtohavechangedFOR

THEBETTER. She even seemedhappy at times. This story offers

somebackground…

For years,momhad turned up her nosewhen offered food thathad been prepared by anyone except her. Her response wasalways that the other person did not know how to make foodproperly or that they couldn’t prepare it with good flavor! Sheoftenhurtpeoples’feelingswhomadefoodforher.

Inthehospital,shecontinuedthisbehavior,butwhenwetoldhersheHADtoeat,shewouldaskwhatthechoiceswere,thenchooseoneofthem.Aftereatingitshewouldsayitwasprettygood.Shewasverykindtothehospitalstaff.

Myemotionswerestillonarollercoasteratthispoint.Severalof

thestaff–whendiscussinghercasewithus– toldus thatmom

wouldmorethanlikelyneverliveonherownagain.Momsigned

apowerofattorneysoIcouldhandleheraffairs.

Lesson #4: You can expect a continuous stream of varied

emotions.

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ANEMOTIONALROLLER-COASTERRIDE

Afewweeksbeforethestroke,Momhadalreadydecidedshewas

goingtosellhercondo.Ididn’tthinkthiswasthebestoptionfor

her. She had not researched rent in the area and decided on a

whimtosellherhouse…decisionsonawhimisalife-longtraitof

hers.Despitecounseltothecontrary,herstubbornnesskickedin.

Shedecidedtosellanyway.

She received and accepted an offer to buy shortly before the

stroke. Since shewas in rehabat theclosingand Iwashandling

her financial affairs, the sale of the house fell to me. At first I

thoughtthequicksalewasablessing(morelater).

Ibeganbypackingeverything intoboxes toprepare forstorage.

Thistaskwasextremelydifficult.Mom’smindhadnotrecovered

fully,soonedayshewouldtellmespecificitemsthatshewanted

to keep, but the next day the list would be different. I thought

thatshewasgoingtobelivinginanursinghomesoIgaveaway

manyitems.ItwaswithaheavyheartthatIwentthroughallthe

itemsinherhouse,decidingwhatwasimportanttoherandwhat

Icouldgiveaway.

My wife offered to help, but I felt this was a task I needed to

completemyself.

Momoftenbecameangrywithme,especiallywhenshethoughtI

wasn’t following her wishes. I realize now it was the stroke

speaking.Mymother-in-lawgavemegoodcounsel…

Sometimesweforgetthatnotonlyisaperson’sbodynotwell,buttheirmindhasbeenaffected.

Lesson#5:Wait

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I wish I had waited. The hospital staff ended up being wrong

aboutherlevelofrecovery.Shehasrecoveredenoughtoliveon

herown(althoughIstill thinksheshouldn’t). If Ihadwaitedand

evensomehownulledheroffertosell,shemightstillbelivingin

her condo,whichwasmuchnicer and cheaper thanher current

livingsituation.

If I hadwaited, shewould still have all of the items I ended up

getting rid of. She would have been mad about her condo not

selling,butifyouunderstoodmymomyouwouldknowsheends

upmadanddepressednomatterwhatoptionistaken.

Imanagedtogeteverythingpackedandstored.Theprospectof

cleaningtheplaceseemeddaunting.

I hated being the caretaker for someone else’s money. I finally

decided touse someofmom’smoney tobring inaprofessional

cleaner.

Lesson#6:Don’tbeafraidtousemonetaryresourcesiftheyare

available.

Mom had the money. She probably would not have approved

usingitforcleaning,butformysanityIneededtohiresomeone.I

shouldhavedone the same formoving and storage.A friendof

hersandIdidthatallourselves,storingherfurnitureandboxesin

mygarage. If I hadblocked the saleof thehouse tobeginwith,

noneofthiswouldhaveevencomeup.

On themorningher friendwasdue toarriveandhelpmemove

herfurniture,Momcalledmefromthehospitaltoaskmeasmall

favor. Mom has always confused “small” and “big” favor, so I

knewIwasintrouble.Here’satrue-to-lifeexample.

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“Jimmy.Ihaveabigfavortoaskofyou.”

“Suremom,whatisit?”

“Iknowyoumightbebusynow,soifyouneedtoschedulesome

timetodoit,justletmeknow.”

“WhatisitMom?”

“Abulbinmylivingroomlightfixtureisout.Canyoureplaceit?”

“I’lldothatrightnowMom.”

Onanotheroccasion…

“Jimmy,Ihaveasmallfavortoaskyou.”

“WhatisitMom?”

(Shealwayshas seemed tomakemego through thisprocessof

discovery).

“Iwanttosellmyhousetomorrow.Canyouhelpme?”

“Mom, that’s not a small favor. That’s something that will take

time.Haveyouthoughtthisthrough?”

“Igaveyoubirthandnowyoudon’twant todo this small thing

forme!”

Thiswasherrequestformeonmovingday…

“Jimmy,Ihaveasmallfavortoaskyou.”

My heart jumped in my throat. I knew this would be no small

thing.Shecontinued…

“Nowdon’ttellme“No”Jimmy.Iwantyoutoremovetheceiling

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fanfrommymasterbedroomsoIcanuseitinthefuture.”

YouhavetorealizeIhavenomechanicalboneinmybody.When

wehaveboughtdo-it-yourselffurniture,mywifetellsmewhatto

dowitheachpiecebecauseIcan’tfigureitout.

Itoldmom“No.I’mnotgoingtoremovetheceilingfan.”

Mombecameupset.Shesaidsomethingalongthelinesof…

”Ihardlyaskyoutoeverdoanything,andnowyouwon’tevendo

thissmallthingforme.Youneverdoanythingforme!”

What!The last threeweekshadbeenspenthandlingheraffairs,

selling the house, deciphering bills, packing and cleaning!What

doesshemeanIneverdoanythingforher?

AtthatmomentIlostit.Iscreamedatmymomandtoldherthat

Ihadno intentionof removingtheceiling fan. Ihunguponher.

Then I punched the wall and was screaming at God and asking

Himtojusttakehertoheaven.

Ihadalittlepityparty.WhydidIhavetodealwithallthiscrap?

Whywasthishappeningtome?Thisbehaviorwastotallyoutof

character forme. I’mnot a screamer. I don’t react physically to

things.ButIwasatmywit’send.

I satdownandstartedcrying. Iwaspouringoutall thestressof

thepreviousmonthouttomyheavenlyFather.IwastellingGod

howmad and upset I was, and Godwas listening. Soon I felt a

tremendoussenseofpeace,morethanIhaveeverfeltinmylife.

Itwas likeGodwasembracingmeand lettingmeknowHewas

therewithme.

Lesson#7:It’sokaytobemadatGod.

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WHEREWILLSHELIVE

Thehousewassold,mom’sfurniturewasstoredinmygarageand

she was getting better in rehab. A target date was set for her

returntonormallife,butwherewouldshego?Shehadnohome.

Iconsideredmovingherintomyhome.Allthroughoutchildhood,

mommademepromisethatIwouldneverputherina“home.”It

wasn’tfairforhertostrong-armthistypeofpromisefromachild,

butthatdidn’tkeeptheguiltawayasIsearchedfora“home”for

her.

I met with her rehab team about once a week. They kept me

posted on her progress and what they thought she would be

capableofdoingherself.Shewasusingawalker.Sheneededhelp

bathingandtakingmeds.Shewouldprobablyneverdriveagain.

Momhasneverbeengoodwithmoney.Whenshewasyounger,if

sheneededmore,shewouldtakeonanextrajoborworklonger

hours. That plan works when you are in your 40s or 50s, but

becomes more difficult when you are older. Mom is on a very

limitedfixedincome,sothislimitedtheoptionsavailabletoher.

I found a cute assisted living place that she could afford and

signedherup.Shewouldbeinasmall2-bedroomapartmentwith

anotherlady,mealsincluded,freetransportation,dailyactivities,

someonewouldhelphertakehermedicationsandshewouldbe

checked on several times a day. And the cost was within her

monthly income.Shealsohadsomemoneyfromthesaleofher

condo.

Thisseemedlikean idealplacementforher.Momwasnotatall

happyaboutthis.Ididgethertoagreetotryitthroughtheendof

2016.Thenshecouldmoveifshedidn’tlikeit.

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Wemovedmom into her new place. She immediately rebelled.

Sherefusedtoeat.Shesaidthefoodwasterrible.MywifeandI

hadeatenthereseveraltimes.Wefoundthefoodtobedelicious

and thestaff friendlyandaccommodating.Momfound the food

tobehorribleandthestaffrude.Butthisishowmomhasfound

mostpeopletobeforthepasttwentyyears.Itistheresultofher

beingdepressedandrefusingtreatmentforit.

Itwasn’tjustthedepressionmomrefusedtreatmentfor!Shehashadhighbloodpressureforseveralyears.Shehasbeenindenialaboutthebloodpressure.Doctorshavetoldherthatifshedidn’treceive treatment,oneday shewouldhavea stroke.Here she issufferingtheaftermathofherownstubbornness.

Momwasdetermined tomoveout. I told her that Iwouldnot

help her find a place. Shewas on her own if she decided to do

that. Ialsoremindedherthatrentwasalreadypaidforthenext

sixweeks,soshemightaswellmakethebestofit.Andtherewas

herpromisetoremainuntiltheendof2016(thiswaslateJuly).

Ifshehadnotreceivedhelptofindaplaceandmove,Iknowthe

taskoflookingandmovingwouldhavebeentoodauntingforher.

However, she found a friendwho helped hermove. This friend

askedmeforadvice.ItoldhimthatIdisagreedwiththedecision.

Hewentaheadanyway.

Mommovedfromaniceplacewhereshewassafeandeverything

wasprovidedforhertoanapartmentinanunsafepartoftown.

Lesson#8:Youcanhelpsomeonetothebestofyourability,but

youcan’tmakethemdowhat’sbestforthem.

Momhasalwaysbeenstubborn.Shedecidedinherheadthatshe

wasn’tgoingtolikethenewplace.Ithadnothingtodowiththe

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placeitself…oreventhefood.Itwasherdecision.

I calledher friendandgavehimapieceofmymind.Hepushed

backsomeandaccusedmeofnottakingcareofmymom.Hesaid

in the culture he grewup in, you take your elderly parents into

yourhomeandcareforthem.Ihadconsideredthisandaskedfor

counsel from many of my friends. One 85-year-old friend in

particularsuggestedwenottakemomintoourhome.Hesaid it

wouldcausealotofstressandthatmywifeandIwouldnotreally

beabletomeetallofmom’sneeds.

Ifeltjudgedbymom’sfriend!

Iwasmadathim!

Lesson#9:Peoplewilljudgeyou

TheonlyoneIhavetoanswertoisGod.Peoplewilljudgeyou,but

theydon’tknowalltheconsiderationyoumadeforyourdecision.

Theydon’tknowthefamilyhistory.Theydon’tknowyou!

I ultimately decided that Iwould stay out ofmom’s affairs. She

needed to make her own mistakes and decisions. However, I

determined that I would not enable those decisions, so I told

mom that Iwould not help hermoveor do anything ofwhich I

didn’tagreewiththedecision.Ihavestucktothat.Istillgotosee

momregularly.I’llhelpherfinanciallyifsheneedsfoodormoney

topayforlodging.

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AFTERMATH

Momseemstobedoingwellinhernewplace.It’sonthe2ndfloor

of a two-story apartment building. The climb up and down the

stairsisprobablygoodforher.Inthelasttenyears,her“exercise”

hastoooftenbeencrossingthestreettogethermail.

Mom seems to be about 80% recovered from her stroke. Her

speechstillseemsalittleslurred.Shehaslostalotofweight,but

that is good. She took a trip to Italy to see her relatives. I was

against the trip, until I told some new friends of mine about

mom’strip.Theyrespondedwith“Goodforher.It’snicethatshe

hasn’tletastrokekeepherfromtraveling.”

Lesson#10:Ourresponsetoalovedone’sdesireisoftenbased

onthedysfunctionofthepast

Mynewfriendswereright.I’mgladshetookthetrip!Iwasbasing

my response on everything that had happened, my upbringing

andmyangeratmom.

Inmyopinion,momshouldnotbedriving.Herreactiontimehas

slowed considerably. Only a doctor can determine that an

individualisnotabletodrive.

Mom failed to stop quickly enough recently and rear-ended

anothervehicle.Hervehiclewasnot totaled. In fact thedamage

was fairly minor. Mom bought a new vehicle. Now she has no

moneyleftfromthesaleofhercondo.

Lesson #11: Lifetime habits are not going to change simply

becauseastrokehasoccurred.

Mom was bad about money before the stroke. She has been

“poor”herentire life, firstarealpoorwhengrowingup,butthe

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last 40 years her povertyhasbeenmental. Shehasnever really

hadmoney set aside, sowhen she came into $40,000 from the

saleofhercondo,shethoughtshewasrich.

It’sallgone.That’sherchoice.

Sheisstilldepressed.That’sherchoice.

She’sstillnottakingcareofherbody.That’sherchoice.

I don’t knowwhat the futureholds.Momcouldhaveonemore

day or she could have twentymore years. Ultimately God is in

control. He knows when each of us will die. He knows every

intimatedetailofourlives.

I’mstillrefusingtohelpmominareasIdisagreewithheron.For

example, I refused to help her get the new car because I didn’t

thinkthatwasbestforher.ButIseeherandtalktoherregularly.

The stroke hasn’t changed her except to make her weaker

physically.Shestill refusestocomeovertoourhousefordinner

(you don’t cook good), still refuses to join us for family

celebratory events (that’s not when I’m used to eating). These

traitswerealltherebeforeherstroke.

Lesson#11:Respondwithlove

Loveistheultimaterule!Iwillcontinuetolovemymom.Despite

mydysfunctionalupbringingandheractionsthatcomeacrossas

mean,sheisstillmymom.Ihavehadtoforgiveherandnowfeel

adeeperloveforher.Ihavecometoseehernotjustasmymom,

butalsoasasisterintheLord.IseeherasGodseesher.

Loveneverfails.

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Abouttheauthor:

James is amusic educatorwho also speaks on issues related to

life.Althoughthisbookisaseriousone,Jamesplansonwritinga

book on the funny experiences of his dysfunctional upbringing.

Thebookwillbecalled“EverybodyLovesJimmy.”

Jamesandhiswifehavefourbeautifulchildren,twoofwhomare

married.Hemarriedhishighschoolsweetheart.Theyhavethree

granddaughters.

www.jamesdivine.net

ContactJamestohavehimspeaktoyourgroup!

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