Selfin tu i t ion

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz

hat should I wear? It’s the universal predicament of Woman. What’s appropriate

for the event, for our age, for our role, for our community? What matches our spirit?

Probably everyone has her own faux pas that acts as a mental warning not to repeat a fashion mistake. Mine dates to the first time I was invited to City Hall for an evening reception. I wasn’t sure what to do, but when I asked a colleague if it was important to attend he said yes; so I went home after work and changed into a black suit with a salmon silk ruffled top, something I would wear to a bar mitzvah. Not. I met a few people who were still lingering there and learned that after-work receptions call for work clothes, not dress-up Shabbos clothes.

A frum consultant I knew called me soon afterwards asking me what to wear to an after-work Wall Street reception. That felt good — she was my mother’s age and much more

experienced than I was at attending foundation events, but she was asking me anyway. I remember telling her that I had settled on a gray wool weekday suit but was adding a burnout velvet scarf. When in doubt it’s smart to ask someone else, was my takeaway.

My takeaway from that City Hall reception was that being overdressed can be uncomfortable these days. When people prefer a more casual look, we stick out if we’re too formal or too fancy. It makes us feel self-conscious, and we can’t enjoy the occasion.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. I’m reminded of the late, great Mrs. Miriam Lubling, a”h. After spending the afternoon and early evening at NYU Medical Center visiting cholim and ministering to their medical and emotional needs, she would go home to Brooklyn, change into elegant brocade evening outfits and beautiful jewelry, and start simchah hopping. She attended multiple affairs practically every night,

WBinah Yeseirah

Forewarned and after-armed

dressed, as they say, to the nines. (Mrs. Lubling’s clothing expressed

who she was: a queenly woman. Her refinement was no impediment, though, to the fact that when  a sick person needed something or a doctor had to agree to treat a patient, she became the Tiger Queen whom no one could refuse. But that’s another article.)

Occasionally I was privileged to drive Mrs. Lubling from one event to another. It would be late by then, and both of us had put in a full day’s work. But this woman, who was old enough to be my grandmother, would push on to another vort, another bar mitzvah, another sheva brachos, another wedding. Stretching herself to attend someone else’s simchah was not only an antidote to the tzaros she had dealt with earlier in the day; she persevered also because people meant a lot to her, and knowing that it made a difference to them, she wanted to give them the gift of her presence.

Still, while we’re all inspired by Mrs. Lubling’s mesirus nefesh by day and by night, we don’t all feel comfortable being overdressed for an occasion. Simpler is better. When squeezed to fit in simchos after a busy day, we’ve learned to pick an outfit based on not needing to change our day hosiery. If we’re really pressed for time, we put on a black skirt in the morning that will go just fine with a dressy top in the evening. That’s life in the contemporary fast lane.

Now some tips for the woman with the tight schedule who knows that her presence at simchos is appreciated, even just to say mazel tov, so she wants to make the effort it takes to be there.

Deciding the night before and preparing outfits and accessories is a big help. With the decision made in advance, there’s neither waffling nor insecurity when it’s time to go. Evening clothes and shoes, bag, makeup, jewelry and sheitel are ready for a smooth transition from working to socializing. Sometimes finding a place to change is a challenge, but we become more adept, more

ingenious, more prepared and more flexible over time.

Wardrobe maintenance is important. Dedicate time, maybe on Sunday mornings, for checking the state of clothes, shoes and cosmetics. Brushing away lint, spot cleaning, ironing, stuffing sleeves, and covering good clothes while they hang in the closet… these chores help us be prepared. How much maintenance time we need depends on our wardrobe, our age, and the volume of our commitments; but expending whatever time it takes is calming, removing the stress factor of being caught unprepared.

So what should we wear? Something comfortable, understated, and prepared in advance, ready to go. Keep in mind that our hosts and friends care more about our being there with them than about what we’re wearing. Really. B

–––––––––––––––––Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, management

consultant, career counselor and Rebbetzin of Congregation Agudas Achim of Lawrence, serves on the boards of several nonprofits and teaches life skills. She can be reached at faigiehorowitzss@aol.com.

Keep in mind that our hosts and friends care more about our being there with them than about what we’re wearing.

Binah • July 27, 201576