ACT I

Overture

Orchestra enters and warms up whilst houselights remain on throughout. Dim stage lightsare on. The audience is still reaching itsseats or talking. It is purposefully busy.

Pack up your troubles (in your old kit-bag)It's a long way to TipperaryChorus of bothOh it's a lovely warGod Save the King

House lights dim, stage lights rise slightly.The stage is clean and resembles a Neo-GeorgianMusic Hall. There are luscious red curtainslining the wall, sparkling lights edging thecurtains, and foot-lights illuminating theUpper Stage.

Keep the Homefires BurningLand of Hope and GloryLine of Deutschland Über alesRule Britannia

Scene 1

The M.c. is sat in the centre of the audience,covered by a coat; he leads rapturous applausefollowing the overture. He stands and awkwardlyattempts to move towards the stage, ad-libincluding claims to have forgotten he was onfirst, etc. He steps up to Upper Stage. It isevident that the M.c. is someone quitedifferent; he speaks well but with an oddtinge, looks good with with a bizarre twist;and speaks properly but with a sinisterundercurrent.

SONG Jolly good luck to the girl who loves a soldier

M.C.Find the military man who's really worthy of thenameHe's never behind hand when duty's to be doneHe's the fellow that you can trust to tryAnd win the game whatever the prize waiting to bewonBy Jingo don't the girls know that as well as I do?Isn't the fact made plain every dayWhen you see them strolling by a soldiers sideWho could ever be more proud than they?

Chorus:Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldierGirls - have you been there?

You know we military menAlways do our duty everywhereJolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldierReal good boys are we,Girls - if you'd like to love a soldieryou can all love me.

Two soldiers enter from Upper Stage, eithersides, and stand either side of M.C.

ROBERTSONDon't you think I'm a hero from the wars,because I'm notBut nevertheless I've faced powder don't you see

PLUMERI've been in some engagements, too,And some were duced hot, for one of the girls,nearly captured me

ALLGreat Scott!When I reflect how nearly I was done for.well I could call myself horrible namesIt would have been most unfair to marry oneFor some other girl had equal claims.

Chorus:Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldierGirls - have you been there?You know we military menAlways do our duty everywhereJolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldierReal good boys are we,Girls - if you'd like to love a soldieryou can all love me.

Soldier chorus enters from Upper Stage right,lining up across Main Stage.

JENKINSGirls, I want to advise youwill you please attend to me?

ASQUITHWhen choosing a sweetheart,pray choose the proper sort

ROBERTSONDon't you have anything to doWith men who sail the sea,

PLUMERthey're regular flirts! Wives in every port

M.C.You'll never find a soldier act in such a way

ALLI think to be hard on him's nothing but cheek

M.C.Perhaps you won't believe what I'm about to say

ALLI was true to one girl all last week.

Soldiers stand to attention as Female Chorusenters from aisles, they skip to a man,swapping partner regularly.

Chorus:Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldierGirls - have you been there?You know we military menAlways do our duty everywhereJolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldierReal good boys are we,Girls - if you'd like to love a soldieryou can all love me.

Repeat if necessary.

End of song

Soldiers lounges around Main Stage, with M.c.stood on Upper Stage.

M.C.Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are with anabsolutely smashing bill ahead of us tonight uponthis, the world stage!

But first, please allow me to set the scene andintroduce our main actors of the evening.

Female chorus exits Upper Stage right.

ORCHESTRA Rule, Britannia.

ROBERTSONThe year is 1912; Britain has been at the forefrontof the global stage for an entire century.She has lead a period of imperial peace andprosperity and has been the crucible of developmentand advancement in the new-world.

The sun never sets on Britannia's shores, but is ourfair lady getting a little hot under the collar?

ORCHESTRA La Marseilles

JENKINSWhilst the British bathed in the glory ofimperialism, their understudy, les Français, writhedawkwardly as the final struggle for centre stage

reared it's ugly head.

The bonne ol' days of Napoleon are far behind them,and a new tyrant is eying their spot on the bill!

ORCHESTRA Deutschland Über ales

PLUMERAnd then there's our adversary for this evening, theKaiser and his German Reich. Him and his crony,Austro-Hungary, have been fumbling for the limelightfor centuries...

M.C....and finally we get the opportunity to see firsthand the greatest show on earth as Europe takes itsfinal bow!

But before we get this show started, I have thepleasure of introducing you to our supporting actorof the whole show, I'm sure those of you in secondand third class will be familiar with him, and forthe fortunate upfront who aren't; ladies andgentlemen I give you the story of private JonathonJones.

The Soldier chorus disappears off aislesleaving Johnny Jones, the average Soldiersoldier. Pat enters Upper Stage for the M.c,and Dolores a Aisles for Johnny Jones. Duringthe song, the M.c. dons a boating hat andpunting cane and imitates punting with hispartner. Johnny Jones and his partner danceveraciously and sensually on Main Stage.

SONG Row, Row, Row

M.C.Young Johnny Jones he had a cute little boatAnd all the girlies he would take for a float.He had girlies on the shore,Sweet little peaches by the score-But master Johnny was a wis'un, you know,His steady girl was FloAnd every Sunday afternoonShe'd jump in his boat And they would spoon

ALLChorus:And then he'd row, row, rowWay up the river he would row, row, rowA hug he'd give herThen he'd kiss her now and thenShe would tell him when,They'd fool around and fool aroundAnd then they'd kiss again.And then he'd row, row, rowA little further he would go, oh, oh, oh,

Then he'd drop both his oarsTake a few more encores,And then he'd row, row, row.

M.C.Right in his boat he had a cute little seatAnd every kiss he stole from Flo was so sweetAnd he knew just how to row,He was a rowing RomeoHe knew an island where the trees were so grandHe knew just where to landThen tales of love he'd tell to Flountil it was time for them to go.

ALLChorus:And then he'd row, row, rowWay up the river he would row, row, rowA hug he'd give herThen he'd kiss her now and thenShe would tell him when,They'd fool around and fool aroundAnd then they'd kiss again.And then he'd row, row, rowA little further he would go, oh, oh, oh,Then we'll drop both our oarsTake a round of applause,And then we'll go, go, go.

End of song

Exeunt bar M.c. who steps off Main Stage rightand returns with black board, mortar board andcane.

Scene 2

Ushers walking down aisles, stop on Main Stageeither side of M.c. who speaks to audiencedirectly. He acts as an arrogant and pompouslecturer.

USHERS(Shouted) Extra, Extra, Austria's Archduke FranzFerdinand assassinated by Serbians. Read all aboutit! (Etc)

M.C.June 28th, 1914; perfect timing.

USHER PANKHURSTArchduke Ferdinand assassinated whilst visitingSarajevo, Bosnia.

USHER EMILYAustria delivers impossible ultimatum to Serbia.

M.C

To kick off this evenings show, let us begin with ahesitation waltz...

A couple appears Upper Stage dancing ahesitation waltz. Upper Stage footlights flashon to reveal them, they are not well lit.Possibly the Second Waltz.

ORCHESTRA Waltz

Serbia turned to its European partners for help insatisfying Austria's demands, but their attemptsproved unsuccessful and dire.

USHER PANKHURSTThis gave Austria time to seek the backing of it'sclose partner, Germany, in proceeding to wage war.

USHER EMILYMeanwhile Serbia quickly reached for its allyRussia.

M.C.Clutching at it's straws in a last ditched attemptto protect itself.

USHER PANKHURSTHowever, this did finally give the Germans theirchance to conquer Europe!

USHER EMILYIt also gave Russia a shot at getting the crack oftheir whip heard across the continent.

M.C.The wheels were in motion, the gunpowder loaded, andan entangled fuse of alliances and treaties trailingbehind. A trail destined for disaster.

USHER EMILYFirst came the Dual Alliance of 1879, between theGerman Reich and Austro-Hungarian empire.

USHER PANKHURSTAnd the triple alliance uniting them with Italy in1882.

M.C.The double-entente of 1894 joining Russia and Franceacross the expanse of Europe.

USHER EMILYAnd in 1904, Britain laid down it's laurels to formthe Entent Cordiale to cross the channel.

USHER PANKHURSTAnd in 1907 linked with Russia to form the TripleEntente.

M.C.The 1867 Treaty Of London vowed for Britain toprotect Belgium's neutrality.

USHER EMILYRussia had vowed to protect Serbia,

USHER PANKHURSTAnd Italy had promised not to attack France.

Music stops, M.c. speaks directly to audiencemembers.

M.CDid you get all of that? ... Good!There'll be a test during the interval!

So here we are; the hands of Europe have been boundby countless treaties, and all it'd take to releasethis monolithic beast of war is one final spark...

USHERS(Shouted) Extra, Extra, Austria's Archduke FranzFerdinand assassinated by Serbians. Read all aboutit! (Etc)

The blackboard is taken off. Ushers exeunt,Main Stage blackout.

M.C....That should be good enough!

In Sarajevo, June 28th 1914, the Austrian Archdukeand his wife were shot dead...

Snare drum beat.

...by Gavrillo Princip, a Serbian Nationalist.

Snare drum-roll begins.

M.c. impersonates Churchill.

On the 1st of August, Germany declared war onRussia, invaded Luxembourg on the 2nd, and declaredwar on France on the 3rd.

Lights dim.

At 11pm, on August the 4th, the British Ultimatumfor Germany to withdraw from Belgium expired, andwith that Britain declared war on Germany.

Snare drum-roll stops.

Lights out.

A pre-recorded voice over or omnipresent of the

M.c. reads the next line. He stands menacinglystill.

The lamps are going out all over Europe, we shallnot see them lit again in our life-time.

Sits down in audience.

Scene 3

Female chorus appears upper stage. They singenchantedly and amorously towards the distance.General enters from Main Stage right.

SONG Onward Christian Soldiers

FEMALE CHORUSOnward, Christian soldiers!Marching as to war,With the cross of JesusGoing on before.Christ, the royal Master,Leads against the foe;Forward into battle,See his banners go!

Chorus:Onward, Christian soldiers!Marching as to war,With the cross of JesusGoing on before

DOTAt the sign of triumphSatan's host doth flee;On, then, Christian soldiers,On to victory.Hell's foundations quiverAt the shout of praise;Brothers, lift your voices,Loud your anthems raise.

GENERAL(Spoken in time with 2nd verse)On the 2nd of August,Kaiser Wilhelm the secondinvoked the Schlieffen Plan,an invasion through Belgiumto overpower France.On the 4th of August,Germany invaded Belgium,entangled in diplomacy,Britain declared war on Germany.

FEMALE CHORUSChorus:Onward, Christian soldiers!Marching as to war,

With the cross of JesusGoing on before

JOANLike a mighty armyMoves the Church of God;Brothers, we are treadingWhere the Saints have trod.We are not divided;All one body we:One in hope and doctrine,One in charity...

GENERAL(Spoken in time with 3rd verse)General John French,Commander in Chief,Led the first attackto defend the Belgian State;125,000 soldierswell equipped and trained,left to fight at Mons,to attack the Kaiser.

ALLChorus:Onward, Christian soldiers!Marching as to war,With the cross of JesusGoing on before

IRIS AND DOLORESOnward, then, ye people;Join our happy throng.Blend with ours your voicesIn the triumph song:Glory, laud, and honorUnto Christ, the King.This through countless agesMen and angels sing.

ALLChorus:Onward, Christian soldiers!Marching as to war,With the cross of JesusGoing on before

End of song

M.c. walks back onstage and stands centre UpperStage, surrounded by female chorus who arecaressing and fanatical over him.

M.C.I hope you've enjoyed the show so far.

It appears as if the Germans And Austrians have made

a dash for the limelight first tonight! However, I'msure our other leading actors won't let this gounnoticed.

Females groan noticeably. The M.c. is notamused.

It took General French and the British ExpeditionaryForces to foil the Germans at Mons and furthercorner them at River Marne!

Females sigh in delight. The M.c. is agitate.

Here the resistance of the Belgians, the support ofthe French, and the skills of the British meant thatthe Germans were quickly scuppered.

Females go to cheer, but the M.c. cuts them offwith a stern clearing of his throat.

That certainly cut the German and Austrians time inthe spotlight short!

May I now introduce to you, Minstrel Albie, the kingof the Belgians; to explain it further!

M.c. steps down to sit on stairs. Albert(Penny) steps out of Upper Stage Left and intocentre Upper Stage. Female chorus follows M.c.down to Main Stage to stand in an open wedgetowards the Upper Stage swaying and swooing.

SONG Belgium Put the Kibosh on the Kaiser

ALBERTA silly German sausageDreamt Napoleon he'd be,Then he went and broke his promise,It was made in Germany.He shook hands with BritanniaAnd eternal peace he swore,Naughty boy, he talked of peaceWhile he prepared for war.

He stirred up little SerbiaTo serve his dirty tricksBut naughty nights at LiegeQuite upset this Dirty Dick.His luggage labeled 'England'And his programme nicely set,He shouted 'First stop Paris',But he hasn't got there yet.

Female chorus switches sides during chorus,dances with each other and with handkerchiefs.

Chorus:For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;

Europe took the stick and made him sore;On his throne it hurts to sit,And when John Bull starts to hit,He will never sit upon it any more.

His warships sailed upon the sea,

DOLORESThey looked a pretty sight

ALBERTBut when they heard the bulldog bark

MAGGIEThey disappeared from sight.

ALBERTThe Kaiser said 'Be careful,If by Jellicoe they're seen,Then every man-of-war I've gotWill be a submarine'.

We chased his ship to Turkey,And the Kaiser startled stood,Schratch'd his head and said 'Don't hurt,You see I'm touching wood';Then Turkey brought her warshipsJust to aid the German plot,Be careful, Mr Turkey,Or you'll do the Turkey Trot.

Albert dances with female chorus individuallyalong the lines.

ALLChorus:For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;Europe took the stick and made him sore;And if Turkey makes a standShe'll get gurkha'd and japanned,And it won't be Hoch the Kaiser any more.

M.C.He'll have to go to school againAnd learn his geography,He quite forgot BritanniaAnd the hands across the sea,Australia and Canada,the Russian and the Jap,And England looked so smallHe couldn't see her on the map.

Whilst Ireland seemed unsettled,'Ah' said he 'I'll settle John',But he didn't know the IrishLike he knew them later on.Though the Kaiser stirred the lion,Please excuse him for the crime,

His lunatic attendantWasn't with him at the time.

Both Albert and M.c. dance with female chorus.

ALLChorus:For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;Europe took the stick and made him sore;We shall shout with victory's joy,Hold your hand out, naughty boy,You must never play at soldiers any more.

Chorus:For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;Europe took the stick and made him sore;On his throne it hurts to sit,And when John Bull starts to hit,He will never sit upon it any more.

End of song

Blackout, exeunt Main Stage bar M.c. who movesto Upper Stage.

Scene 4

Upper Stage lights rise to reveal the M.c.reveling in the good news. Soldiers begin toenter through aisles and sit on darkened MainStage.

M.C.(Enthusiastic and happy)Of the 125,000 professional soldiers deployed, over70,000 were killed. I bet you're wondering how sucha loss could be considered a success; well it was,and not only that, it was considered a roaringsuccess for the British and their Debut.

Finally the government could invest properly in themilitary and conscription; and best of all, thehappy soldiers could return home victorious andhappy after their joyful stint on the new frontline!

Black out.

ORCHESTRA They Were Only Playing Leapfrog (Slow)

Soldiers are scattered across stage withpossibility of panning effect. Johnny Jones isamongst them. Haig is sat with a lamp, he dimlylights himself.

M.C.(Somberly and cautiously)Victorious... And happy...

HAIGWhat passing-bells for these who die as cattle?Only the monstrous anger of the guns.Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattleCan patter out their hasty orisons.

No mockeries now for them;no prayers nor bells;Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

What candles may be held to speed them all?Not in the hands of boys but in their eyesShall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds...

All lights (inc. house) on, M.c. abruptlyinterrupts the end of speech.

M.C....Hold on, hold on... that's not the way we see it!

Ushers skip down aisles chanting and singing.They skip in between the Soldiers.

USHERS...Are we downhearted, no!Then let your voices ring,And altogether sing...

Female chorus appears Upper Stage.

SONG Are We Downhearted - Tipperary

FEMALE CHORUS AND USHERSAre we downhearted ? No!Not while Britannia rules the waves. Not likely!While we have Jack upon the sea,And Tommy on the land we need not fret.It's a long, long way to TipperaryBut were not downhearted yet...

Soldiers begin to rise as they sing the chorus.

SOLDIER CHORUSIt's a long way to Tipperary,It's a long way to go.It's a long way to TipperaryTo the sweetest girl I know!Goodbye, Piccadilly,Farewell, Leicester Square!It's a long long way to Tipperary,But my heart's right there.

Both sing simultaniously.

FEMALE CHORUS AND USHERSAre we downhearted, no!Then let your voices ring,And altogether singAre we downhearted ? No!Not while Britannia rules the waves. Not likely!While we have Jack upon the sea,And Tommy on the land we need not fret.It's a long, long way to TipperaryBut were not downhearted yet.

SOLDIER CHORUSIt's a long way to Tipperary,It's a long way to go.It's a long way to TipperaryTo the sweetest girl I know!Goodbye, Piccadilly,Farewell, Leicester Square!It's a long long way to Tipperary,But my heart's right there.

End of song

Soldier chorus exits Main stage right. M.c.steps to Upper Stage.

Scene 5

Long introduction of song. Females chorus runsto Upper Stage, with guns handed out of UpperStage wings. Female chorus creates a tableau ofsportive poses. M.c. pinches the frozen femalescheekily, and tries to put them off.

M.C.After the news reached home of the fun and frivolouslifestyle the average soldier enjoyed, soon enoughmen were flocking to sign up!

M.c. returns to audience seat.

SONG We Don't Want To Lose You

DOTWe've watched you playing cricket

JOANAnd every kind of game

MAGGIEAt football, golf and polo,

PENNYYou men have made your name,

DOLORESBut now your country calls you

AUDREYTo play your part in war,

PATAnd no matter what befalls you,

IRISWe shall love you all the more,

ALLSo come and join the forcesAs your fathers did before.

Main Stage females begin dancing minimalist.

DOTOh! we don't want to lose youbut we think you ought to go,

DOLORESFor your King and Countryboth need you so;

JOANWe shall want youand miss you,

PATbut with all our might and main

PENNYWe shall cheer you,

MAGGIEthank you,

IRISkiss you

ALLWhen you come back again.

Entire chorus dons their guns, at some pointall move to Main Stage.

Oh! we don't want to lose youbut we think you ought to go,For your King and Countryboth need you so;We shall want youand miss you,but with all our might and mainWe shall cheer you,thank you,kiss youWhen you come back again.

Ms. Smith enters Upper Stage right. Main Stage

lights dim, focus on Upper Stage. Female choruscrouches down.

SONG I'll Make A Man Of You

MS. SMITHThe Army and the Navy need attention,The outlook isn't healthy you'll admit,But I've a perfect dreamof a new recruiting scheme,Which I think is absolutely it.If only other girls would do as I doI believe that we could manage it alone,For I turn all suitors from mebut the sailor and the Tommy,I've an army and a navy of my own.

Chorus:On Sunday I walk out with a Soldier,On Monday I'm taken by a Tar,On Tuesday I'm outwith a baby Boy Scout,On Wednesday a Hussar;On Thursday I gang oot wi' a Scottie,On Friday, the Captain of the crew;But on Saturday I'm willing,if you'll only take the shilling,To make a man of any one of you.

Ms. Smith steps to Main Stage, she begins tointeract with the audience.

I teach the tenderfoot to face the powder,That gives an added lustre to my skin,And I show the raw recruithow to give a chaste salute,So when I'm presenting arms he's falling in.It makes you almost proud to be a woman.When you make a strapping soldier of a kid.And he says 'You put me through itand I didn't want to do itBut you went and made me love you so I did.'

ALLChorus:On Sunday I walk out with a Bo'sun.On Monday a Rifleman in green,On Tuesday I choosea 'sub' in the 'Blues',On Wednesday a Marine;On Thursday a Terrier from Tooting,On Friday a Midshipman or two,But on Saturday I'm willing,if you'll only take the shilling,To make a man of any one of you.

Music continues. General enters Main Stageright, female chorus lines the back of the Main

Stage. Ms. Smith moves to the side of GeneralMain Stage centre right.

GENERAL(Spoken)You heard the lovely lady; Lord Kitchener needs amillion!

AUDREY(Shouted)A million!

MS. SMITHLadies, have you a man digging your garden when heshould be digging trenches?

IRIS(Shouted)Should be digging trenches!

GENERALBe a man, enlist today!

PENNY(Shouted)Enlist today!

GENERALMake your lady proud!

MS. SMITH(Seductively) Make me proud!

GENERALTake the kings shilling, we'll make a man of you!

MS. SMITHI'll make a man of you!

GENERALIt'll be the greatest time of your life!

MS. SMITHI'll be the greatest time of your life!

FEMALE CHORUSWe'll be the greatest time of your life!

MS. SMITH(Sung)Cause on Saturday I'm willing,if you'll only take the shilling,

ALL(Sung)To make a man of any one of you.

Houselights rise, General welcomes audience

volunteers to come up to the stage. Musiccontinues.

GENERAL(Spoken)A kiss from this lovely lady, for the first man tovolunteer.

Directed to different men in the audience. Asmen volunteer, female chorus members go towelcome them, the first being taken by Ms.Smith. General lines are ad-lib and free to bedirect and specific to audience members.

You sir - how about you sir -You might be packing five stone too much sir, butyou'll soon lose that in the trenches! -How about you sir, every man has his use, pensionersincluded! - Make your girlfriend proud sir! - Wealways need extra cannon fodder sir! - Gentlemen,you'll soon be fighting the ladies off with abayonet! - etc

ALLCause on Saturday we're willing,if you'll come and take the shilling,To make a man of any one of you.

(The men are led by the female chorus, down theaisles, outside. Ms. Smith and General leaveUpper Stage right.)

End of song

Scene 6

M.c. appears from Upper Stage left, placesplinth on Upper Stage. Two ushers, wearingsuffragette sashes and hats, begin to walk downthe aisles towards the Main Stage.

M.C.By January, 1915, a million men had joined theBritish Army, by 1916, 5 million had enlisted.

Men joined as fathers, and sons; colleagues and teammates; bachelors and husbands.

For our next act of the evening, allow me tointroduce...

Ushers, hence Pankhurst and Emily, appear onMain Stage in a disorderly fashion, wanderingtowards Upper Stage. They drag the audiencemembers back to their seats, claiming that theywill miss the best act of the evening!

USHER PANKHURST

Come along Emily, one has priorities to undertake!

USHER EMILYYes, yes Sylvia, the stage should be set for you.

M.C....The Poppy-cock Pierrots.

M.c. leaves Upper Stage left, Pankhurst andEmily slowly move Upper Stage.

USHER PANKHURSTRight, shall we begin?

USHER EMILYI don't believe it's quite time yet...

USHER PANKHURSTMs. Davison, please! Sylvia Pankhurst waits for noman!

USHER EMILYRight you are Ms. Pankhurst.

Pankhurst steps atop the plinth, adjusting hersash and hat. Emily stands at her side, stagelevel, standing fiercely. Emily begins tobecome cautious of the massing crowd ofspectators. Pankhurst clears her throatexcruciatingly exaggeratedly.

USHER PANKHURSTLadies, Gentlemen, I come before you to pray foryour compassion; yet I stand before you due to yourignorance.

Chorus members begin to enter from aisles andMain Stage right.

Our men are not dying heroically for their country!They are sent as a folly of force, to quench thethirst of the bloodthirsty hounds of hell perchedatop their thrones!

Chorus members begin to heckle Pankhurst asthey reach Main Stage.

JOANYou're the only dog ah' see round 'ere!

USHER PANKHURSTOur men are being sacrificed to the blunders ofboobies, the cupidity of capitalists, and theambitions of conquerors!

JOANBlunders of boobies? What are ya' on about!

USHER PANKHURSTWar is but a mask for the enterprise of emperors.

JENKINSGeddoff'...

USHER PANKHURSTDoes it not plague and torment each of you atnight...

TAYLORDon't ask us!

USHER PANKHURST...seared by the thought that our husbands,brothers, fathers, and sons are being condemned todeath without heed to the purpose and motivespropelling them? Do they not know of the beauty andsanctity of all life?

JENKINSI hope you don't think you're beautiful?

The heckling begins to become more ferocious,with ad lib heckling during Pankhurst's speech.

USHER PANKHURSTEvery womans hand upon the wheel of industry isreleasing a man for the trenches!

IRISWhat do you expect us to do!

USHER PANKHURSTI beseech you women, to put on hold our suffragettestruggle; for we cannot pledge war against our menwhilst making war on our neighbours!

AUDREYWhat 'you talkin' bout!

Emily pleads for Pankhurst to step away.

USHER EMILY(To Pankhurst) Sylvia, come now, they cannot betaught!

USHER PANKHURST(Aside) Now now Emily, they still may come toreason!

FERGUSONGed'outta' 'ere!

USHER PANKHURSTThis conflict is the plight of our civilized world;only through peace can we fight for what's right!

ASQUITHYa' make no sense!

USHER EMILYI implore you Sylvia!

USHER PANKHURSTOur men are but Lions led by ass's!

PENNYThat's treason that is!

USHER PANKHURSTBlundering ass's!

USHER EMILYSylvia, our cause is obviously unattainable here!

USHER PANKHURST300,000 innocent pawns of war, our men, have beenkilled so far!

HAIGWe're winnin' aint we?

The chorus is clearly agitated, laughing atPankhurst. They are shouting at her, she triesto shout over the noise.

USHER PANKHURSTThe newspapers refuse to publish the facts...

DOTYou don't know that!

USHER PANKHURST...the politicians wash their hands of the bloodthey have spilled...

PATYou should wash yur'self!

USHER PANKHURST...the children of peace are being crucified...

DOLORESJesus woman!

USHER PANKHURST...crucified on barbed wire, tortured in thetrenches, slaughtered on the pastures of Europe!...

Chorus members begin to chant and sing overPankhurst's rambling.

SONG Rule Britannia

MAGGIE

Rule Britannia!

MAGGIE AND AUDREYBritannia rule the wavesBritons never, never, never shall be slaves.

PANKHURST... Is it your intention to ignore the plight of oursoldiers? Is it for us to decide the sanctity oflife; for what difference is the German soldier,compelled by the same insidious force that compelsus; hope, glory, greed!...

More chorus members join in and overpowerPankhurst. if possible, fruit and vegetablesand newspapers are thrown at them.

MAGGIE, AUDREY, ROBERTSON, AND WRIGHTRule Britannia!Britannia rule the wavesBritons never, never, never shall be slaves.

PANKHURST...At the first Battle of Ypres, 56,000 British menwere sent to die. We gave 8,000 of them the honourof sudden death, the rest faced an agonising life ofpain and peril!

Finally as the chorus becomes rowdy, Pankhurstand Emily disperse off Upper Stage right. Somechorus members laugh loudly. Orchestra/Pianoaccompanies last verse.

CHORUS MEMBERSRule Britannia!Britannia rule the wavesBritons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Orchestra/Piano continues playing whilst chorusdisperses off aisles, Female chorus exits MainStage right. Black out.

End of song

Scene 7

The M.c. appears Upper stage right, he wandersto the steps and sits down.

M.C.As men were beginning to be deployed on the frontline; stories of valor, heroism, and success wererelayed back to families at home. There was no roomfor mention of desertion or death; disillusion wasdis-honorable.

There are no conscientious objectors; only cowardsand criminals!

Two obviously drunk soldiers, Plumer andFerguson, stumble down the aisle towards MainStage, where they wander towards Upper Stage.The M.c. appears to get them to sign a form asthey step up stage, he is smiling menacingly.Minimal playing by orchestra, such as juststrings and drums.

SONG I Don't Want To Be A Soldier (I'll Make a Man...)

FERGUSON AND PLUMERI don't want to be a soldier,I don't want to go to war,I’d rather hang around,Piccadilly underground,And live off the earnings Of a high born lady.

I don’t need no Froggy women,London’s full of girls I’ve never had.Dear Oh Gawd almighty,I want to stay in Blighty,And follow in the footsteps of me dad.

The two soldiers, now on Upper Stage, becomesober and afraid. Soldier chorus marchesthrough aisles, and stands across Main Stage.M.c. stands aside conductor and chats to himobnoxiously loud during singing.

Orchestra begins playing fully.

SONG I Don't Want To Be A Soldier (Slow)

ALLI don't want to be a soldier,I don't want to go to war,I'd rather stay at home,Around the streets to roam,And live on the earnings of a lady typist.

The conductor starts to get annoyed by theM.c.'s flirting and hindrance. General enters.

I don't want a bayonet in my belly,I don't want my bollocks shot away,I'd rather stay in England,In merry, merry England,And fornicate my bleeding life away.

The conductor beckons for the M.c. to take overhis position, who steps into the position withbaton willingly. M.c. sings at first whilstconducting over his shoulders, then steps alongthe line towards General at the far end. Femalechorus enters in a line, dallying behind and tothe side of their Soldier counterparts.

SONG Good bye-eee

M.C.Brother Bertie went awayTo do his bit the other dayWith a smile on his lipsand his Lieutenant's pipsupon his shoulder bright and gay

As the train moved out he said,

GENERAL'Remember me to all the birds.'

M.C.Then he wagged his pawand went away to warShouting out these pathetic words:

Ms. Smith appears upper stage and moves swiftlyto the side of the General.

GENERALChorus:Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee,Tho' it's hard to part I know,I'll be tickled to death to go.

The three move to Upper Stage.

M.C. AND GENERALDon't cry-ee, dont sigh-ee,there's a silver lining in the sky-ee,Bonsoir, old thing, cheer-i-o, chin, chin,Nah-poo, toodle-oo, Goodbye-ee.

Female chorus appears Upper Stage. They sing aharmonic, heavenly 'ah' during the secondverse. They are happy and proud of their men,occasionally wiping a tear from their eye.

GENERALAt the theatre in Brace,The lovely ladies, dressed in lace,All had shown Johnny Jones, who had come all alone,How to die without disgrace.Then she made a speech and said,

MS. SMITH"I look on you boys with pride,And to thank you all I'm going to kiss each one",

GENERALSo they all signed up and tried,

JOHNNY JONESChorus:Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee,

Tho' it's hard to part I know,I'll be tickled to death to go.

ALLDon't cry-ee, dont sigh-ee,there's a silver lining in the sky-ee,Bonsoir, old thing, cheer-i-o, chin, chin,Nah-poo, toodle-oo, Goodbye-ee.

Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee,Tho' it's hard to part I know,I'll be tickled to death to go.

Don't cry-ee, dont sigh-ee,there's a silver lining in the sky-ee,Bonsoir, old thing, cheer-i-o, chin, chin,Nah-poo, toodle-oo, Goodbye-ee.

Upper Stage lights dim-out, soldiers march outMain Stage right followed by General. M.c. andfemales exit Upper Stage.

End of song

Exeunt, black out.

ACT 2

Entr'acte

Orchestra enters and warms up whilst houselights remain on throughout. Dim stage lightsare on.

Rule BritanniaOnward Christian SoldierWe Don't Want To Lose You

House lights dim, stage lights rise but remaindim. The stage is noticeably different.Sandbags line the back wall of Main Stage withUnion Flags draped across them. Bunting isloose or scattered, and scrap material isstrewed across the stage. Johnny Jones isperched on the steps writing a letter. There isa lantern or candle at his side.

Gassed Last Night (Slow)The Lost ChordThey Were Only Playing Leapfrog

Scene 1

Johnny Jones places the letter to his side andlooks up to the audience. The song is quiet,possibly just piano with orchestra joininggradually. He has a lamp at his side dimlylighting his face. The stage feels eerie, thereare several men lying down or sat, hardlynoticeable to the audience.

SONG There's A Long Long Trail

JOHNNY JONESNights are growing very lonely,Days are very long;I'm a-growing weary onlyList'ning for your song.Old remembrances are throngingThro' my memoryTill it seems the world is full of dreamsJust to call you back to me.

Chorus:There's a long, long trail a-windingInto the land of my dreams,Where the nightingales are singingAnd a white moon beams.There's a long, long night of waitingUntil my dreams all come true;Till the day when I'll be going downThat long, long trail with you.

Johnny Jones steps up and walks across Main

Stage as remaining Soldiers enter through aisleand and sit scattered around Main Stage. Thesoldiers begin to hum quietly under JohnnyJones singing.

All night long I hear you calling,Calling sweet and low;Seem to hear your footsteps falling,Ev'ry where I go.Tho' the road between us stretchesMany a weary mile,I forget that you're not with me yetWhen I think I see you smile.

Soldier chorus begins to sing without movingfrom their scattered, huddled positions.

ALLChorus:There's a long, long trail a-windingInto the land of my dreams,Where the nightingales are singingAnd a white moon beams.There's a long, long night of waitingUntil my dreams all come true;Till the day when I'll be going downThat long, long trail with you.

End of song

General enters Main Stage right, Johnny Jonesmoves back down to sitting on lower steps.General marches across stage. The soldiersrespond sarcastically and aside to each other.

GENERALGentlemen, gentlemen; I've been having words withour commander in chief, and he is very much pleasedwith your progress so far.

ROBERTSONWe've moved five feet!

GENERALExactly boy!

JENKINSFive feet backwards!

GENERALYour military prowess has been an asset to theBritish cause; your wives, daughters and mothers areproud of you!

FERGUSONMa' family thinks 'am dead!

GENERAL

All twenty of you...

HAIG17 you mean sir...

TAYLOR...16 as of last night!

GENERALAll 16 of you will be put into the draw for awardsof valor!

WRIGHTIs there a prize?

The soldiers become agitated, General stepsback to stabilise his stance.

GENERALThe prize is pride and honour!

WRIGHTNo point then!

PLUMERI'll gi'ya a point; ma' bayonet!

GENERALThe enemy is on the retreat, and with your courageand determination, this war could be won by sunrise.

PLUMERBullsh...

ASQUITH...It's hardly gonna be won when we've not managedto get an inch closer to those "allemands" o'erthere!

GENERALWe have made considerable ground on the westernfront,

PLUMERWe are the bloody western front!

GENERALAnd with our advances in technology, resources, andman power; we will most certainly be the victors bythe morrow!

JENKINSWhen do we get ar' rations then ey'?

GENERALDue to the British advance on Vimy and Lens, todaysrations have been postponed to ... tomorrow...

Soldiers cry out in rage and hunger.

...Our soldiers charge from Arras will bring victoryever closer...

FERGUSONHow're we supposed ta' survive off nuthin'?

GENERALWe are all making sacrifices; we shall all endurethe strain of war...

ROBERTSONThe strain of only havin' one croissant in themornin'...

JENKINS...Only geddin' jam, never geddin' marmalade...

WRIGHT...Only gettin' two ply, when ya' yearn fer' three!

GENERALCowardice and dissertion will not go unpunished!

Johnny Jones steps up from his steps, sarcasticand mocking the general.

JOHNNY JONESNobody's complainin' 'ere... General!

GENERALCorporal punishment is not beyond me...

Mocking the general.

FERGUSON...Maybe you could burn us at the stake!...

HAIGA ROAST!

PLUMERFinally, some proper bloody food!

GENERALGentlemen! Decorum! This is not a war of attrition!

ASQUITHIt's a war of starvation!

JOHNNY JONESGeneral; I think aar' rum ration's far overdue.

GENERALIndeed, you may pass it out.

TAYLOR

Pass it out? I wanna' pass out!

Black out, General exits quickly Main Stageright.

Scene 2

Soldier chorus bolts to feet, female chorusappears Upper Stage, creating a block chorus.

SONG Oh, It's A Lovely War!

ALLChorus:Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh ?Oh, it's a shame to take the pay.As soon as reveille has goneWe feel just as heavy as lead,But we never get up till the sergeantBrings our breakfast up to bed.

Soldier chorus splits into two rows, front rowsinging melody, back row harmonising with canonline. Female chorus likewise.

ALLOh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,

(What a lovely war...)What do you want with eggs and hamWhen you've got plum and apple jam ?Form fours! Right turn!How shall we spend the money we earn ?Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,

FRONTUp to your waist in water,

BACKUp to your eyes in slush,

FRONTUsing the kind of language

BACKThat makes the sergeants blush;

FRONTWho wouldn't join the army,

BACKThat's what we all enquire,

ALLDon't we pity the poor civiliansSitting beside the fire ?

Chorus:

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,(Oh, What a lovely war...)

Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh ?Oh, it's a shame to take the pay.As soon as reveille has goneWe feel just as heavy as lead,But we never get up till the sergeantBrings our breakfast up to bed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,(What a lovely war...)

What do you want with eggs and hamWhen you've got plum and apple jam ?Form fours! Right turn!How shall we spend the money we earn ?Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,

M.c. appears alongside female chorus UpperStage right.

M.C.When does a soldier grumble ?

JOHNNY JONESWhen does a soldier make a fuss ?

M.C.No one is more contented

JOHNNY JONESIn all the world than us.

M.C.Oh, it's a cushy life, boys,

JOHNNY JONESReally, we love it so;

M.C. AND JOHNNY JONESOnce a fellow was sent on leaveAnd simply refused to go.

ALLChorus:Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,

(Oh, What a lovely war...)Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh ?Oh, it's a shame to take the pay.As soon as reveille has goneWe feel just as heavy as lead,But we never get up till the sergeantBrings our breakfast up to bed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,(What a lovely war...)

What do you want with eggs and hamWhen you've got plum and apple jam ?Form fours! Right turn!

How shall we spend the money we earn ?Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,

JOHNNY JONESCome to the cook-house door, boys,Sniff at the lovely stew,Who is it says the colonelGets better grub than you ?

M.C.Any complaints this morning?

JOHNNY JONESDo we complain ?

ALL(Shouted) Not we.

JOHNNY JONESWhat's the matter with lumps of onionFloating around the tea ?

ALLChorus:Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,

(Oh, What a lovely war...)Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh ?Oh, it's a shame to take the pay.As soon as reveille has goneWe feel just as heavy as lead,But we never get up till the sergeantBrings our breakfast up to bed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war,(What a lovely war...)

What do you want with eggs and hamWhen you've got plum and apple jam ?Form fours! Right turn!How shall we spend the money we earn ?Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely...

(Oh, Oh, Oh it's a lovely...)Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war!

End of song

Black out, female chorus exits Upper Stage.Four Soldier chorus members remain on MainStage, four more move Upper Stage and donsashes stating their names. M.c. stands onsteps.

Scene 3

M.C.In October, 1914, the Germans first used chemicalweapons against the British at Nueve Chapelle.

Since then, more than 20,000 shells of tear gas,

30,000 canisters of chlorine, and at least 400,000deaths at the hand of Germans up to 1916.

Ferguson, Haig, Plumer, and Asquith are fussingaround Upper Stage, Taylor is walking betweenthe doors. Ushers enter and leave continuously,handing and taking documents unorganisably fromthe Soldiers.

PLUMERYou heard the man, Ferguson, we're losing our troopsquicker than we can replace them!

HAIGIt seems the Kaiser has resorted to underhandtactics...

ASQUITHVile tactics!

HAIG...And I don't suppose he'll stop when he's on roll!

PLUMERPray tell Ferguson, what are your thoughts upon thematter at hand!

HAIGIndeed General Plumer; Officer Ferguson, pray tell.

FERGUSON(Sobering and stern)It is a cowardly form of warfare which does notcommend itself to me or other English soldiers!

ASQUITHIndeed.

PLUMERAgreed.

TAYLORHowever?...

The buzz of the Upper Stage dissolves to asilent and fearful set of female chorus membersand generals watching Ferguson.

FERGUSONWe cannot win this war unless we kill orincapacitate more of our enemies than they do ofus...

HAIGOf course!

FERGUSON...and if this can only be done by our copying the

enemy in his choice of weapons.(Pause)

We must not refuse to do so.

Upper Stage chorus members look towardsFerguson astonished for a brief moment, thereis silence, visible 'gulps'; then all membersreturn to their tasks.

HAIGIndeed, not another word will be said against it.

TAYLORAgreed

PLUMERIndeed!

ASQUITHAgreed!

FERGUSONNot another word!

The men and women continue their businesswhilst M.c. stands on the steps.

M.C.The Autumn offensive at Loos was the first use ofpoison gas by the British. 140,000 kilograms ofchlorine gas was released.

The M.c. speaks of the matter lightly.

Unfortunately for the Brits, the wind wasn't intheir favour.

It is noticeably difficult for the M.c. tostifle his smiling and chuckling whilstspeaking.

The Brits first attempt at chemical warfare ended upkilling and maiming their own men!

After breaking for a breath/sigh.

Our next act of the evening is...

M.c. remains standing.

HAIGNow who's for crumpets and marmalade?

The men respond enthusiastically like childrenas the Upper Stage lights dim. Ushers remain onUpper Stage.

M.C.

...The Quartet of Camberly!

Main Stage lights rise to reveal the soldiersstood in line. Jenkins, Wright, Robertson, andJohhny Jones.

SONG Bombed Last Night

SOLDIER QUARTETBombed last night,Bombed the night be-foreGonna get bombed tonightif we never get bombed any more.

When we're bombed,we're scared as we can be.Oh God damnn the bombin' planes from Germany.

They're over us,they're over us,One shell-hole for the four of us

Glory be to God there are no more of us'Cause one of us could fill it all alone.

Gassed last night--gassed the night before,Gonna get gassed againif we never get gassed no more,

When we're gassed,we're as sick as we can be,'Cause phosgene and mustard gas is too much for me.

They're over us,they're over us,One shell-hole for the four of us

Glory be to God there are no more of us'Cause one of us could fill it all alone.

End of song

Soldier chorus sits down, reclined on stage asif watching the sky. Generals and Ushers UpperStage exeunt either side. Upper stage lightsoff, night-time hues across Main Stage. M.c.steps off Upper Stage right.

Scene 4

The men are watching 'fireworks' in the skyover Belgium. More men enter and sit aroundMain Stage.

WRIGHTIn't it lovely to watch the rockets over Flanders.

JOHNNY JONESSimply superb!

TAYLORWhere is it we are again?

WRIGHTBligny hill I believe, just took it this evening!

ASQUITH(Aside towards the distance)Look, 'luminations over towards Châlons!

PLUMER(Overly British)Montagne de Bligny, North France.

ASQUITH(Aside)Cor, blimey!

JENKINSTook it from the huns but two hours ago...

HAIGAnd we're already digging in!

FERGUSON...so much for that shelling to wipe out fritz!

ASQUITH(Aside)Now they're at Éperney!

JOHNNY JONESWe didn't need the shelling before, and we certainlydon't need it now!

ROBERTSONHush! Let's enjoy em' then!

ASQUITH(Aside)Bloody-hell, they're gettin' near!

ROBERTSONHush!...

ASQUITH(Towards the cast)Fellas', better get your 'eads down; they're alreadyat Reims!

ROBERTSON(Persistent)Hush!

SONG Hush, Here Comes a Whizzbang!

Each chorus member singing steps up to wanderaround the reclining men. They sing humorously.

JOHNNY JONESHush, here comes a Whizzbang.

ROBERTSONHush, here comes a Whizzbang.

JOHNNY JONESNow you soldiermen get down those stairs,Down in your dugouts and say your prayers.

ROBERTSONHush, here comes a Whizzbang.And it's making right for you.

JOHNNY JONESAnd you'll see all the wonders of No-Man's-Land,If a Whizzbang, hits you.

The chorus joins in, still reclining on MainStage. Female chorus appears Upper Stage.Soldier chorus sings the canon.

FEMALE CHORUSHush, here comes a Whizzbang.

JENKINS(Here comes a Whizzbang)

FEMALE CHORUSHush, here comes a Whizzbang.

PLUMER(Here comes a Whizzbang)

FEMALE CHORUSNow you soldiermen get down those stairs,Down in your dugouts and say your prayers.

ALLHush, here comes a Whizzbang.And it's making right for you.

JOHNNY JONESAnd you'll see all the wonders of No-Man's-Land,

ALLIf a Whizzbang, hits you.

Main Stage lights dim, M.c. appears UpperStage. Music continues to be played. M.c. walksslowly towards Main Stage right.

M.C.(Spoken)On the 16th of June, 150 soldiers successfullystormed Montagne de Bligny against the heavilyfortified German defences. All without the

assistance of British mortar fire.

However, upon conquering the hill, the Battallionwas subjected to heavy bombardment; not by theGermans but by their own British confederates.

The bombardment reduced the strength of thebattalion to less than 100 men.

Throughout the Great War, it was acceptable forfriendly fire casualties in the British army toreach 15 percent. However, this was exceeded onmultiple occasions.

The chorus sing the final lines as the M.c.steps off Main Stage right.

ALL(Sung)And you'll see all the wonders of No-Man's-Land,If a Whizzbang, hits -

End of song

The sound of explosions, or snare drums isheard interrupting the music. Black out happenssimultaneously. Exeunt. Soldier chorus leavesremnants of costumes strewn across Main Stage,including jackets, hats, etc.

Scene 5

During blackout, explosions or snare drumscontinue. The sound of organs fills the stage.Upper Stage lights rise to reveal Nurse. Shesings alone, with just Upper Stage lights on.

SONG The Lost Chord

NURSESeated one day at the organ,I was weary and ill at ease,And my fingers wandered idlyOver the noisy keys.

I know not what I was playing,Or what I was dreaming then;But I struck one chord of music,Like the sound of a great Amen.

(Like the sound of a great Amen)Main Stage begins to rise in dim crimson/redlights. Smoke begins to bellow on Main Stage.

(Solemnly)It flooded the crimson twilight,Like the close of an angel's psalm,And it lay on my fevered spiritWith a touch of infinite calm.

It quieted pain and sorrow,Like love overcoming strife;It seemed the harmonious echoFrom our discordant life.

Nurse steps down to Main Stage as lights rise.

It linked all perplexèd meaningsInto one perfect peace,And trembled away into silenceAs if it were loth to cease.

I have sought, but I seek it vainly,That one lost chord divine,Which came from the soul of the organ,And entered into mine.

Stepping up slowly towards Upper Stage.

It may be that death's bright angelWill speak in that chord again,It may be that only in Heav'nI shall hear that grand Amen.

Soldier chorus members begin to enter fromaisles and Main Stage right, picking up theirjackets and hats. They then linger on the MainStage.

(With passion)It may be that death's bright angelWill speak in that chord again,It may be that only in Heav'nI shall hear that grand Amen.

End of song

Nurse exits Upper Stage right. Upper Stagelights dim.

Scene 6

General enters Main Stage right. The air isstill strained and harrowing.

GENERALPack up your kit gentlemen, we have new orders to beready for a dawn push on Reims.

FERGUSONI thought we were due a fall back to Épernay?

PLUMERWeren't we holding fort whilst 5th battalion sweepsSoissons!

GENERALThose had been the intentions of previous officers.

JOHNNY JONESSo nobody knows basically?..

TAYLORWhat's happened to Sergeant Plumer?

JENKINSAnd Ferguson?

JOHNNY JONESAnd Jellicoe?

FERGUSONWasn't it Sharpe last?

PLUMERNo, he was two trenches ago!

HAIGWhen was Plumer?

WRIGHTHe was over in Vinay!

ROBERTSONHeck, that was ages ago! What about corp...

GENERAL(Interupting)Pack up your kit bags gentlemen, and be on your feetin ten minutes as we make track!

ASQUITHTen minutes?

JOHNNY JONESWho's organising this shamble of an offensive!

GENERALGeneral Haig has replaced General French asCommander-in-chief.

FERGUSON(Aside)The french would'a been better than useless generalFrench!

GENERALTen minutes!

HAIGBut sir?...

GENERALTen minutes!

HAIG...the rats have gotten to me' kit-bag!

GENERALMake that five minutes then!

General marches off Upper Stage left. Soldierchorus lingers around Main Stage.

SONG They Were Only Playing Leapfrog

SOLDIER CHORUSOne staff officer jumped right overanother staff officer's back,And another staff officer jumped right overthat other staff officers' backA third staff officer jumped right overthe two staff officers' backs,And a fourth staff officer jumped right overall the other staff officers' backs.

They were only playing leap-frog,They were only playing leap-frog,They were only playing leap-frog,When one staff officer jumped right overThe other staff officer's back.

The music continues as the Soldier chorus exitsthrough the aisles. Main Stage black out.

End of song

Scene 7

Orchestra Pretty Red Wing

Upper Stage lights rise as female chorusmembers set up washing lines and sheets. Theycarry cloths and sheets on their arms, peggingthem up slowly. The women are gossiping. Ms.Smith is mildly disguised wearing a sheet andfacing away from the audience. Pretty Red Wingplayed either by piano or accordion.

MS. SMITHIt's so difficult to get blood stains out of whites!

DOTTry telling that to the Belgians!

JOAN(Confusedly)The Belgians?

DOT(Alludingly and winking)The Belgians...

MS. SMITHI'll just have to use some clorox next time, shouldbleach the blood right out!

PATAudrey, have you heard what the Huns are doing now?

AUDREYAbout the babies or the bodies?

PATIf you mean the factories, then the bodies!

JOAN(Hermoine-ish)I think it's revolting! Just simply atrocious!

AUDREYIndeed it is!

DOLORESWhat do you mean, factories?

MS. SMITH(Aside)Gosh, and these grass stains!

PENNYDolores, have you not heard?

DOLORESHeard what?

DOTThe huns have been melting all our boys down intowax and oil for their candles and lamps!

DOLORESOh gosh, that Kaiser is the devil incarnate!

MS. SMITH(Aside)And why are young Freddy's socks so stiff andcrusty!

PATThe Times called them 'Carver-walter-salten' or someform of crazy blathering.

JOAN(Bitchily)Kadaver-verwertung-sanstalt; it's German.

DOLORESGerman for crimes against God!

MS. SMITH(Aside)Pat, please keep your delicates away from my bedlinen.

IRIS

You ladies don't half carry on!

DOTAnd what about the huns butchering Belgian babies!

PATOr the Canadian crucified on a Cedar tree withbayonets!

JOANAnd the grenadiers gagged and gibbeted at Galipole!

DOLORESOh gosh! The horror of it all!

MAGGIE(Aside)Indeed, the horror of over-used alliteration!

MS. SMITHLadies! Please!

AUDREYBut it's simply horrific!

MS. SMITHIt's not like that at all!...

PENNYHow can you be sure?

MS. SMITH...Our boys are the bravest and burliest out there;obviously the huns don't stand a chance!

AUDREYI suppose you're right!

MS. SMITHWhy are we forsaking our emotions with drivel of thefrontline when we could be making a difference backhere on the home front, sewing shirts and sewingseeds!

PATQuite true!

MS. SMITHQuit the crying, start the drying!

JOANStop the shrieking, start the bleaching!

MAGGIECut the stains, start the campaigns!

IRISDon't take pity, add to the kitty!

M.c. appears Main Stage right. M.c. steps up tothe stairs. The song begins slow, with eachverse quickening until the final chorus isalmost impossible to sing.

SONG Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts For Soldiers

M.C.Sister Susie's sewing in the kitchen on a "Singer",There's miles and miles of flannel on the floorAnd up the stairs,And father says it's rottengetting mixed up with the cotton,And sitting on the needlesthat she leaves upon the chairs.

MS. SMITHAnd should you knock at our street doorMa whispers, "Come inside."Then when you ask where Susie is,She says with loving pride:

To female chorus, encouraging them to singalong.

Chorus:Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiersSuch skill at sewing shirtsOur shy young sister Susie shows!

Some soldiers send epistles,Say they'd sooner sleep in thistlesThan the saucy, soft, short shirtsfor soldiers sister Susie sews.

Female chorus members begin to sing lines.

DOTPiles and piles and piles of shirts she sends out tothe soldiers,

MS. SMITHAnd sailors won't be jealous when they see them,Not at all.

DOLORESAnd when we say her stitchingwill set all the soldiers itching,

MS. SMITHShe says our soldiers fight bestwhen their back's against the wall.

PATAnd little brother Gussie,he who lisps when he says "yes",

MS. SMITH

Says "Where's the cotton gone from off my kite?Oh, I can gueth!"

ALLChorus:Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiersSuch skill at sewing shirtsOur shy young sister Susie shows!

Some soldiers send epistles,Say they'd sooner sleep in thistlesThan the saucy, soft, short shirtsfor soldiers sister Susie sews.

Beckoning the audience to join in. Femalechorus members, excluding Ms. Smith, move toMain Stage to interact with audience.

Chorus:Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiersSuch skill at sewing shirtsOur shy young sister Susie shows!

Some soldiers send epistles,Say they'd sooner sleep in thistlesThan the saucy, soft, short shirtsfor soldiers sister Susie sews.

Almost impossibly fast. Repeat again ifnecessary.

Chorus:Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiersSuch skill at sewing shirtsOur shy young sister Susie shows!

Some soldiers send epistles,Say they'd sooner sleep in thistlesThan the saucy, soft, short shirtsfor soldiers sister Susie sews.

End of song

The sheets are arranged to create a blanchewhite screen across Upper Stage. A redSwiss-cross is visible on the sheet,representing a field-hospital. Female chorusexits down the aisles. Ms. Smith steps offUpper Stage right.

Scene 8

Nurse appears Upper Stage, General enters andstands on stairs, M.c. stands on Main Stage.

M.C.The time has come for our actors to reconcile fortheir final performance.

Our stage is the Western Front, along the banks ofthe River Sambre.

NURSEThe British casualty count is nearing eighthundred-thousand; the French are nearing one million; andthe Russians, two!

GENERALThe fields came to be painted red, as shrapnel andshells abraded the hills.

NURSEAs the men pressed forwards, their crucial lines ofcontact with home began to wane.

GENERALSoon it became evident that our boys had been sentfor a performance they would not return from.

NURSEThey would still be loved, and would still becherished.

SONG Keep The Home Fires Burning

NURSEThey were summoned from the hillside,They were called in from the glen,And the country found them readyAt the stirring call for men.Let no tears add to their hardshipsAs the soldiers pass along,And although your heart is breaking,Make it sing this cheery song:

NURSE AND GENERALKeep the Home Fires Burning,While your hearts are yearning.Though your lads are far awayThey dream of home.There's a silver liningThrough the dark clouds shining,Turn the dark cloud inside outTill the boys come home.

GENERALOverseas there came a pleading,"Help a nation in distress."And we gave our glorious laddies -Honour bade us do no less,For no gallant son of FreedomTo a tyrant's yoke should bend,And a noble heart must answerTo the sacred call of "Friend."

Soldier chorus enters from aisles and crowds onMain Stage. M.c. moves to Upper Stage. They

sing the final chorus facing the audience asthey prepare themselves for imminent death.Ushers enter Upper Stage and join Nurse andM.c. either side, holding the plinth.

ALLKeep the Home Fires Burning,While your hearts are yearning.Though your lads are far awayThey dream of home.There's a silver liningThrough the dark clouds shining,Turn the dark cloud inside outTill the boys come home.

End of song

Scene 9

House lights rise. Usher places plinth in frontof M.c. who steps up on it. The serviceresembles a call and respond canon. Generalappears and stands on stairs. Ms. Smith standsaside M.c., opposite Nurse. The Ushers eitherside of the M.c. creating a tableau.

M.CAlmighty and everlasting Lord,By your blessing we have fought.

SOLDIER CHORUS(And by your blessing we shall die.)

M.CThy kingdom, we have sought.

SOLDIER CHORUS(And on its fields we shall lie)

M.CBless us in body and in soul,as today we fight towards your goal.

NURSEGive us today your holy presence,As our boys pay the greatest expense.

M.CLord, you promise a place in paradiseto all who call to you in penitence and faith.

SOLDIER CHORUSLord, have mercy.

NURSELord, you bring comfort to thosewho mourn and have suffered loss.

SOLDIER CHORUSLord, show grace.

USHERSLord, you speak in times of conflict,and you calm our fears.

SOLDIER CHORUSLord, help us.

M.CIn suffering we come closer to you,

SOLDIER CHORUSWe're at your gates in an orderly queue.

M.CTo defeat our enemy, we now die true,

SOLDIER CHORUSFor awaiting us in heaven is a home-cooked stew.

M.CLord we beseech you to accept this prayer,

SOLDIER CHORUSFor Jesus Christ's sake,

M.CAmen.

NURSEAmen.

USHERSAmen.

SOLDIER CHORUSAmen.

ALLAmen.

SONG Forward Joe Soap's Army

ALLForward Joe Soap's army,marching without fear,With our old commander,safely in the rear.He boasts and skites from morn till night,And thinks he's very brave,But the men who really did the jobare dead and in their grave.

The Soldier chorus begins to prepare to chargefor the last time, signing crosses, praying,wiping tears away, passing hip flasks.

Forward Joe Soaps army,marching without fear,With our old commander,safely in the rear.

The soldiers charge through the aisles. Thegeneral turns tearfully to the Upper Stagecast, signing a cross upon himself, andfollowing the soldiers along the aisles.

End of song

Main Stage blackout.

Scene 10

M.COn November the 11th, 1918, at 5:10am, the Germansagreed to the terms of an Entente Armistace.

On that day, Big Ben rang for the first time sinceAugust 1914, and the gas lamps of Paris were finallylit.

MS. SMITHThough celebrations spread through the streets ofEurope, the bunting didn't spread to Belgium quiteyet.

NURSEThe sun on the 11th rose and fell; and men stillcharged trenches on the Western Front.

M.CEight hundred and eighty-eight thousand, two hundredand forty six British soldiers died.

USHER PANKHURSTOne million, three hundred and ninety-seventhousand, eight hundred French Soldiers.

USHER EMILYTwo million, two hundred and fifty-four thousand,three hundred and sixty-nine Russians.

M.CSeventeen million, nine hundred and eighty-ninethousand, nine hundred and eighty-two lives werelost.

The greatest show on earth had finally come to anend, and at what cost?

The lone voice of Johnny Jones is heard fromthe back of the aisles. It is unorchestrated atfirst, apart from a pitching note played byeither a clarinet or other woodwind instrument.He slowly walks somberly towards the Main

Stage.

SONG And When They Ask Us

JOHNNY JONESAnd when they ask us,how dangerous it was,Oh, I'll never tell them,no, I'll never tell them:We spent our pay in some cafe,And fought wild women night and day,'Twas the cushiest job we ever had.

More Soldiers enter along the aisle, followingJohnny Jones.

SOLDIER CHORUS AND JOHNNY JONESAnd when they ask us,and they're certainly going to ask us,The reason why we didn't win the Croix de Guerre,Oh, we'll never tell them,oh, we'll never tell themThere was a front, but damned if we knew where.

Main Stage lights rise as the soldiers reachit. The music continues to be played.

M.C.(Spoken)There were fifty-three thankful villages throughoutBritain and Wales, where all men who departed forwar returned alive.

USHER PANKHURSTThe suffragette movement flourished due to theimmense reliance Britain placed upon its women.

USHER EMILYImmediately after the war, in 1918, Women were forthe first time given the ability to vote.

NURSEIt signified the end of the glorious war of prideand arrogance.

MS. SMITHIt wasn't all fun and games though; in less than 21year, the lights of Europe were extinguished oncemore as the grim reaper cast its shadow of war.

The entire Soldier chorus has now entered andis forming a wedge on Main Stage. The GeneralStands as a chorus member.

SOLDIER CHORUSAnd when they ask us,how dangerous it was,Oh, we'll never tell them,

no, we'll never tell them:We spent our day in some bright bay,And built sandcastles night and day,'Twas the cushiest job we ever had.

And when they ask us,and they're certainly going to ask us,The reason why we didn't reach the German Soil,Oh, we'll never tell them,oh, we'll never tell themThere was a war, but damned if we knew why.

The female chorus enters from Main Stage right,grasping the White Crosses. They dance aroundthe Soldiers.

FEMALE CHORUSVerseI treasured each and every day,And it pains me just to say.That each morning I do pine,Remembering that you were mine.When I saw your pretty smile,It made the living worth the while.So I've got to carry on,Telling people that you're gone...

Females stand aside soldiers. Gradually whitecrosses are passed to the soldiers.

ALLAnd when they ask us,how dangerous it was,Oh, we'll never tell them,no, we'll never tell them:We spent our nights sat out of sight,And wrote love letters by gas light,'Twas the loneliest job we ever had.

And when they ask us,and they're certainly going to ask us,The reason why we didn't reach our family home,Oh, we'll never tell them,oh, we'll never tell themThere was a war, but damned if we knew why.

End of song

Black out; drum roll sounds. Exeunt bar M.c.Drumm roll stops, last post is heard. There isa moment of silence and contemplation.

ORCHESTRA Oh, It's A Lovely War!

Cast re-enters. Tableau charecters remaining onUpper Stage; whilst Soldeirs, Women, andGeneral remain on Main Stage. Bow.

M.c. and Ms. Smith welcomes audience to donateto charities and join them in Crosslandsafterwards.

- End of play -