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THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN)0021-6615 is published monthly exceptJuly and August by the Agudath Israelof America, 42 Broadway, New York,NY10004. Periodicals postage paid inNew York, NY. Subscription $24.00 peryear; two years, $44.00; three years,$60.00. Outside of the United States (USfunds drawn on a US bank only) $12.00surcharge per year. Single copy $3.50;foreign $4.50. POSTMASTER: Send address changesto: The Jewish Observer, 42 Broadway,NY., NY. 10004. Tel: 212-797-9000, Fax:646-254-1600. Printed in the U.S.A.

RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR

EDITORIAL BOARD

RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS Chairman

RABBI ABBA BRUDNYJOSEPH FRIEDENSONRABBI YISROEL MEIR KIRZNERRABBI NOSSON SCHERMANPROF. AARON TWERSKI

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AVI FISHOF, NAFTOLI HIRSCHISAAC KIRZNER, RABBI SHLOMO LESINNACHUM STEIN

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THE JEWISH OBSERVER does notassume responsibility for the Kashrusof any product, publication, or serviceadvertised in its pages

© Copyright 2003

February 2003VOLUME XXXVI/NO. 2

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Adar I 5763 • February 2003U.S.A.$3.50/Foreign $4.50 • VOL XXXVI/NO. 2

5 Remembering the Columbia

THE ISRAELI ELECTIONS

6 The Rise of Tommy Lapid and His Shinui Party

Yonoson Rosenblum

15 Solomon’s Nightmare: Custody Disputes in Divorce

Cases, Dr. Sylvan Schaffer

19 Don’t Judge the Book by its Cover, Rabbi Yaakov Yosef Reinman

21 Piercing the Dark of Night: Remembering the Illuy,

Rabbi Mordechai Pogromansky, l”xz

Rabbi Eliyahu Berney

31 From the Depths, a Zest for Life,

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg

33 When the Priceless Gets Priced Out,

Mrs. Barbara Bensoussan

BOOKS IN REVIEW

36 “If There’s Anything I Can Do…” by Rebecca Bram

Feldbaum, reviewed by Reva Rubenstein

37 Letters-to-the-Editor

About the cover: The safety and security of Eretz Yisroel and its inhabitants are depend-ent on the study of Torah, as we find in the Talmud: Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said,“What is the meaning of: ‘Our feet were standing in your gates, Jerusalem’? (Tehillim122,2) Who caused us to prevail in battle? The gates of Jerusalem – wherever they wereengaged in the study of Torah.” Makkos 10a.

Cover photo courtesy of Ponevezh Yeshiva, Bnei Brak. Photo on page 6, courtesy of Hamodia

http://www.shemayisrael.com/jewishobserver/subscribe.htm


The Jewish Observer, February 2003 5

We join the American public, as wellas Jews the world over, in mourning theterrible loss of human lives in the Colum-bia disaster, wherein the space shuttle car-rying seven astronauts, including IlanRamon h”i, an Israeli, disintegrated overTexas on Saturday, February 1.

We take special note of the emphasisthat Ilan Ramon, not known to have beenobservant in his personal life, focused onthe Jewish aspect of his identity. Itseemed that he recognized that in the eyesof the world, he functioned not only asan ambassador at large for the State ofIsrael, but, in effect, was also a represen-tative of Klal Yisroel. As such, he tookpains to demonstrate that the essence ofKlal Yisroel is most faithfully conveyed byadherence to the laws of kashrus, asreflected in his diet; the personal memen-tos he took aboard with him – includ-ing a mezuza and a small Sefer Torahentrusted to him by a Holocaust survivorwho had used it at his bar mitzva in aconcentration camp; his acknowledge-ment of the advent of Shabbos; and a stir-ring declaration of “Shema Yisroel,Hashem Elokainu Hashem Echad!”whenthe Columbia passed over Jerusalem – adeclaration of Kiddush Hashem heardthroughout the world.

This tragic episode has moved evenostensibly irreligious people, Jew andgentile, to recognize, as they cast theirgaze to the skies, the Hand of the Cre-ator in determining the fate of man’sdreams and aspirations. The Presidentof the United States was inspired to say:

In the skies today we saw destructionand tragedy. Yet farther than we can seethere is comfort and hope. In the wordsof the prophet Isaiah,“Lift your eyes andlook to the heavens: Who created allthese? He who brings out the starry hostsone by one, and calls them each by name.Because of His great power and mightystrength, not one of them is missing.”

The same Creator who names thestars also knows the names of theseven souls we mourn today.

The crew of the shuttle Columbiadid not return safely to Earth. Yet wecan pray that all are safely home. MayG-d bless the grieving families, and mayG-d continue to bless America.

(What a pity that Kol Yisrael andGalei Tzahal – Israel’s national radio net-works – in line with their general rejec-tion of broadcasting religious thoughtand sentiments, chose, in their report-ing of the President’s remarks, to exciseprecisely these noble sentiments fromthe full text of his speech!)

We pray that soon we will merit towitness fulfillment of the Prophet’svision, “Ki miTzion…. The Torah willcome forth from Zion and the word ofHashem from Jerusalem” (Isaiah 2,3) –neither filtered nor impeded, butamplified and expounded by Jewishmedia, for the benefit of Jewish ears,Jewish hearts, and Jewish neshamos. ■

I. SHINUI’S PLANS FORTHE CHAREIDIM

Two stories dominated the recentIsraeli elections. First, Israeli vot-ers bid adieu to the Oslo process,

at least as long as Yasser Arafat still headsthe Palestinian Authority. The partiesmost closely identified with Oslo – Laborand Meretz – were reduced to a total of25 seats, and the Likud, under PrimeMinister Ariel Sharon, a staunch oppo-nent of Oslo from the beginning,jumped to 38 seats, making it Israel’sdominant party to a degree not seensince the old days of Labor hegemony.The other major story was the meteoricrise of Tommy Lapid’s virulently anti-religious Shinui Party1. The Lapid phe-nomenon serves as an important warn-ing to the chareidi community of certainlong-range social trends in Israel.

Almost defunct four years ago,Shinui revived its fortunes by choosingLapid to head its list in the 1999 elec-tions. The outspoken “Archie Bunker”

of Israeli politics brought Shinui sixKnesset seats with his non-stop attackson the chareidi community.

Prior to the recent elections, The NewYork Times and Newsweek both profiledLapid, and the Jerusalem Report put himon its cover with the caption “The PowerBroker.” After Shinui captured 15 seatsin the election, the description as“power broker” could not be dismissed,and indeed Prime Minister Sharon wasquick to call Lapid and ask him to jointhe new government coalition.

Shinui has always been known as aone-issue party, and that issue is “stop-ping the chareidim.” Still, it would be amistake to attribute the entire swell ofsupport for Shinui to hardcore anti-reli-gious voters. Widespread disgust withthe Likud corruption scandals causedsome voters who were intending to votefor Likud to look elsewhere2. For mostof those voters, Labor, with its platformof unconditional negotiations and uni-lateral withdrawal, was not an option.Many drifted to Shinui for want of anyalternative.

A wave of national despair over thepossibility of finding any solutions to thesecurity situation or the current eco-nomic doldrums further helped Shinui.

Even though Sharon remains the over-whelming choice of the electorate forprime minister, only 26% of those polledbelieve he has a solution to Palestinianterrorism. Confidence in his economicleadership is no higher.An electorate thatsees no hope of either major party solv-ing the most pressing problems con-

THE ISRAELI ELECTIONS Yonoson Rosenblum

6 The Jewish Observer, February 2003

Rabbi Rosenblum, who lives in Jerusalem, is acontributing editor to The Jewish Observer. Heis also director of the Israeli division of Am Echad,the Agudath Israel-inspired educational outreacheffort and media resource.

1 As of this writing, it is still too early to knowwhether Sharon will find a way to bring Shinuiinto a government with one or more of his tra-ditional religious party allies, especially as Shinuihas ruled out joining a coalition with any charei-di parties, except during a national emergency,and its platform is anathema to the National Reli-gious Party as well.2 In order to wrest control of the Likud CentralCommittee from his chief rival BinyaminNetanyahu, Prime Minister Sharon engineereda massive registration drive of new party mem-bers to choose a new Central Committee. ThatCentral Committee then picked the list of LikudKnesset candidates. Much evidence has accu-mulated that families with close connections toorganized crime acted as voting contractors inthe registration drive and then used their con-trol over blocs of Central Committee membersto solicit bribes from candidates in the Likudinternal primaries.

In addition to the vote-buying scandals in theLikud itself, the police are currently investigat-ing a number of allegations against Prime Minister Sharon and his sons. Those investiga-tions were the subject of massive press coverageduring the campaign.

What it Portends, What We Must Do

Reu

ters

fronting the country feels freer to indulgeitself in the pleasure of “sticking it” to thechareidim by voting for Shinui.

Whatever the reasons that voters havemoved to Shinui, those voters must atleast be comfortable with the party’s vir-ulent anti-chareidi line.3 Though Lapidhas made some attempts recently to fleshout his views on other issues, Shinui’sraison d’etre remains its anti-chareidiagenda. That agenda consists of twoparts. The first – a plan to “dry out” thechareidi community by cutting off gov-ernment subsidies to individuals andinstitutions who do not toe the line. Thesecond – a dramatic reordering of thereligious status quo.

Shinui’s Knesset leader AvrahamPoraz recently outlined for Ha’aretz theparty’s legislative agenda upon enteringthe government. “First of all, we’lldemand everything that does notrequire legislation: an end to pay-ments to fictitious yeshivos, an end topayments to kollels. In short, we wantto end the preferential treatment of thechareidim. We’ll immediately dry upthat flow of funding.” Lapid proposesa complete cut off of funding to charei-di schools unless they agree to a corecurriculum of math, English, history,Zionism and citizenship.4

The second part of the Shinui agen-da includes abolishing the ReligiousAffairs Ministry, government financingof the Conservative and Reform move-ments, and an order by the Trans-portation Minister ending the ban onpublic transportation on Shabbos. Thoseinitiatives can all be achieved withoutany new legislation.

On the legislative front, Shinui

demands repeal of the Tal Law, whichfor the first time formalized in legisla-tion the draft deferment for yeshiva stu-dents, and the institution of civil mar-riage – first for those couples unable tomarry religiously, and later for all cou-ples who prefer a civil marriage.

Playing the Hate Card

Lapid does not confine himself tohis issues. He seeks to arouse a vis-ceral hatred of chareidim, and

delights in expressing his contempt forevery aspect of Jewish tradition. Shinui’snumber two man Yossi Paritzky has evenintroduced Knesset legislation to keepstores open on Yom Kippur, the one dayviewed as sancrosanct by virtually allIsraeli Jews.

One of Shinui’s campaign handoutsshows a baby in a crib surrounded byseafood and pork. The baby boasts, “Ieat what I want when I want it. Thatmeans I exist.”

Shinui shamelessly traffics in the samestereotypes of haredim that anti-Semitesonce employed vis-à-vis all Jews. Lapid’sportrayal of kashrus certification, forinstance, as a tax on consumers – ratherthan as an advertising expense designedto lower per unit costs by increasingdemand – can be found today on neo-Nazi websites as well. After the Dolphi-narium homicide bombing in which over20 young immigrants from the FSU –many of them not Jewish – were killed,Lapid filled the airwaves on Shabbos withpure incitement. He charged, without anybasis, that the burial society had refusedto bury the victims and compared theburial society to the Islamic jihad: “TheIslamic jihad attacks live youths while theburial society strikes at dead youths byrefusing to bury them.”

Last summer, Israelis were inspiredwhen a group of 400 North Americansmade aliya in the midst of the ongoingviolence and deepening recession. NotLapid. He told an interviewer from aFlorida newspaper, “Quite frankly,Israel could do without [religiousNorth American Jews].” Even the sacredcow of immigration did not cause himto bite his tongue.

Also last summer, Shinui’s number-two man, Yossi Paritzky, fired off a let-ter to Ha’aretz urging that the state ofIsrael should not permit any religiousjudges. The cause of his ire – an opin-ion by Stephen Adler, Chief Judge of theLabor Court, in which he ruled thatShabbos under the statute governing“Days of work and rest” begins at sun-down and not at midnight, as a Tel Avivdistrict court had ruled.5

Ignoring the fact that two non-reli-gious judges had joined in Adler’s opin-ion, Paritzky argued that the opinioncould only be explained by the yarmulkethat Adler wears. In his anti-religiousfrenzy, Paritzky led himself into an obvi-ous absurdity: according to his readingof the statute, all businesses would haveto remain closed on Motza’ei Shabbosuntil midnight.

One wonders whether Lapid and Par-itzky would be dismayed to find thattheir fulminations against religiousimmigrants and judges only serve toprove the rabbinic dictum, “Hatredbreaks all protocol.”

II. WHAT HAPPENS NOW

By the time this issue of The Jew-ish Observer arrives, the coalitionnegotiations to form a new gov-

ernment will likely be completed andPrime Minister Sharon will have chosenone of the two major options facing himthe morning after the elections. Eitherhe will have opted for a narrow coali-tion of the Likud’s traditional alliesamong the right-wing and religious par-ties or a grand “secular coalition” ofLikud, Labor and Shinui. The latterwould be the first Israeli governmentwithout religious representation. Com-plicating matters for Sharon is the factthat Labor leader Amram Mitzna saysLabor will not sit in a national unitygovernment led by Likud, and Shinuiinsists it will not sit with any chareidiparties. Of the latter promise, at least,we can be sure.

Even if Shinui once again finds itselfoutside the governing coalition, how-


3 The past two and a half years of warfare withthe Palestinians inevitably bring the issue of thedraft deferment for yeshiva students to the fore,and that pattern has been exacerbated by the sig-nificant increase in reserve duty for those whoserve in the army.4 Economic dependence on the government haslong been the point of vulnerability for the charei-di educational system. Sooner or later thatdependence virtually assured that conditionswould be placed on government support. Of late,proposals for curricular changes in the chadorimand yeshivos ketanos have come from Likud Edu-cation Minister Limor Livnat, not just fromShinui.

5 All Israeli holidays, including secular ones likeIndependence Day, begin and end at sunset.


ever, it would be a serious mistake tobelieve that its influence will not be felt.The other major parties will attempt invarious ways to appropriate the issuesthat Lapid has popularized.6 Runningagainst the chareidim has long been con-sidered the safest and surest path for cur-rying public favor. The rise of Shinui willonly reinforce the popular politicalwisdom.

In the area of dramatic cuts in thesocial transfer payments, it appearsinevitable that the next government willmove in the direction of Shinui. As thepoorest sector of the population, thechareidi community will feel these cutsmost intensely. The previous govern-ment was forced to cut billions of shekelsfrom the budget in the middle of the fis-cal year due to plummeting tax revenues,and experts unanimously predict thatbillions more will be have to be cut fromthe just passed 2003 budget because ofthe declining economic situation.

Globalization has made it unthinkablethat any country, Israel included, cancontinue to incur large budget deficits.To do so would lead to a downgradingof Israel’s international credit rating andthe implosion of the economy. The Inter-national Monetary Fund imposes budg-et austerity on poorer countries seekingits aid, and even the economicallyadvanced countries of Western Europeare subjected to steep fines by the Euro-pean Union if they incur budget deficitsin excess of 3% of Gross National Prod-uct. These iron rules of economics willnot be suspended for Israel.

Finance Minister Silvan Shalom hasmade increasing the rate of the partici-pation in the labor force – Israel’s is thelowest in the industrialized world – thecenterpiece of his economic plan. Hisgoal is to break patterns of generation-to-generation poverty in much the sameway that the Clinton welfare reforms didin America. Accordingly, cuts in unem-ployment insurance, and onerous con-ditions on recipients, occupy pride ofplace in his budget slashing plans. Sincethe income supplement paymentsreceived by approximately 10,000 poor

families headed by full-time Torah stu-dents are designed to parallel unem-ployment insurance, they too will be cut,perhaps drastically. Child support pay-ments, which make up a considerableportion of the chareidi family budget, arealso prime targets for the budget cutters.

The dramatic cuts in chareidi fam-ily budgets are likely to be accompaniedby severe cuts in government paymentsto the major chareidi institutions.Already, funding for students in yeshi-va gedola under the age of 18 has beenstopped – a particularly serious blow tothe Chassidic yeshivos. The EducationMinistry has also proposed limitingfunding of yeshivos ketanos to only thosewith over 150 students – a virtual nullset. With the education budget to be cutby hundreds of millions of shekels,chareidi institutions can expect toshare proportionately in this cut, andthey will consider themselves fortunateto do that well.

In short, for reasons only partiallyrelated to Shinui’s proposals for “dryingout” the chareidi community, thousandsof kollel families may find their personalincome diminishing dramatically just astuition costs increase sharply.

III. WHAT CAN WE DO?

Typically, the chareidi communi-ty was slow to recognize themagnitude of the threat posed by

Lapid. Once again, we find ourselvesresponding to a situation of vital inter-est at five minutes to midnight, if notfive minutes after midnight.

An overall strategy for dealing withthe Lapid phenomena would firstaddress the anti-religious hostility of theIsraeli media. With the sole exception of


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6 Holland provides a good example of thisprocess. Prior to the 2000 Dutch elections, PimFortyn broke a longstanding taboo by making thethreat of Moslem immigration to Dutch socie-ty and culture the centerpiece of his campaign.The success of the eponymous Fortyn List(named after Fortyn, who was assassinated in thecourse of the campaign) led every Dutch partyin the recent January 23 election to place restric-tions on immigration and the preservation ofHolland’s national character at the top of theirelectoral agendas.

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the Jerusalem Post, there is not one paperin the country with a regular chareidicolumnist. Not surprisingly, Lapid andShinui have received almost a free ridein the mainstream Israeli press. Lapidhas been treated as the celebrity of theelection season, and his party turnedinto the “hip” party of the smart set.Only Ha’aretz has openly criticizedLapid – not because of his anti-charei-di tirades, of course, but because he issiphoning off the traditional anti-reli-gious vote from the paper’s preferredparty, Meretz.

A full-page headline in last week’sMa’ariv proclaiming “Seculars attackedon the streets of Bnei Brak,” will brieflyindicate the extent of the press problem.The article begins: “It is not recom-mended for secular Jews to walk on thestreets of Bnei Brak at night, lest theybe beaten by a private security compa-ny hired by residents of the city.” Theclear implication is that Bnei Brak hashired a security company to keep secu-lar Jews off its streets.

In fact, the security company washired because of an ongoing problemwith gangs of youths in the area whowere terrorizing and robbing charei-di youth. There was no sanction, rab-binic or otherwise, for preventing sec-ular Jews from using the streets of BneiBrak. Yet this improbable claim wasnot only reported in Ma’ariv, butpicked up eagerly by all the morningradio talk shows.

To counteract such distorted newsstories a group of trained volunteersneeds to be organized to call in to radiotalk shows. The leading newspapers alsohave active on-line discussions of newsitems, and there too a well-organizedcadre of volunteers could make animpact. A little more than a year ago, ayoung rosh yeshiva presented the AmEchad-Israel office with precisely sucha plan for training volunteers, but theproject ultimately went nowhere for lackof funding.

None of Lapid’s tirades against thechareidi community – not even the armyissue – so resonates with the secular pop-ulation as the charge that chareidim are“bloodsuckers,” constantly extorting

from the government a disproportion-ate share of the national resources.Shinui had Hareidi, Inc., a book-length“exposé” of this phenomenon byHa’aretz journalist Shahar Ilan, trans-lated into Russian and distributed in theRussian-speaking community. AmongIlan’s fantastic charges is the claim thatthe average chareidi family is subsidizedby the state to the tune of 17,000 shekels(over $35,000) monthly. So far no full-scale refutation or analysis of Ilan’s datahas been undertaken though the bookhas been widely cited in Israel.

A systematic, professional analysisof the national budget, as well as local

budgets, is required to refute theclaim of chareidi extortion. A few suchstudies have been made on the locallevel, including one dealing with theJerusalem education budget. Thestudy of Jerusalem’s educational budg-et demonstrated that contrary to thepopular perception chareidi schoolsare the victims of significant dis-crimination. Many such similar stud-ies, however, are required, if thechareidi community wishes torespond effectively to either popularperceptions or those of Treasurybudget-cutters. Once again no fund-ing has been forthcoming to do such

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projects in a credible fashion.

IV. DO WE BEAR PART OF THE BLAME?

The remarkable jump in supportfor a party based on arousing vis-ceral hatred of other Jews should

be a matter of concern for all Israelis.Most disturbing is that Shinui is evenmore popular among educated youngvoters than among the general popula-tion. Lapid is “cool.” That popularityreflects the degree to which our youngare cut off from any sense of themselvesas Jews.

One would expect the Lapid phe-nomenon to have provoked somesoul-searching in the chareidi com-munity. Yet to a remarkable degree thathas not occurred. We have not yetaddressed the question: Have we con-tributed in any way to the present sit-uation in which young Jews do not hes-itate to express their contempt for allthings Jewish?

Shahar Ilan is no friend of thechareidi community, but one can sharesome of his wonderment over the lackof self-scrutiny occasioned by the rise ofLapid. “Has the chareidi communityconsidered how it is possible that a partywhose main message is ‘stop the charei-dim’ has doubled its strength in the pollsand sprung from six to 12 mandates?”Ilan writes. “Has a rabbinical commit-tee been appointed to investigate thisfailure?…. Hard to believe – but theanswer is No. A survey of editorials inthe ultra-Orthodox media shows therehas been no debate on issues like – Howdid we make ourselves so hated?…. Bycontrast, there is … public debate … inthe chareidi media about who will beUnited Torah Judaism’s fifth Knessetmember – the representative… [from

this or that Chassidic group], and whowill rotate with whom.”

Admittedly, there are serious limitson what the chareidi world can do tolessen the hatred. We will not cease tobe chareidim and send our yeshivabachurim to join the army en masse, orempty the kollelim in order to silence ourcritics. That is too high a price to payfor secular approbation.

At the same time, it would be a mis-take to think that there is nothing thatwe can do to improve the situation. Thefirst step is to unequivocally disassoci-ate ourselves from those who bring dis-grace to the Torah in the name of reli-gion. Here we should learn from thesettlement enterprise, which has beendelegitimized in the eyes of the vastmajority of Israel’s Jews, in large part dueto the actions of a relatively small num-ber of violent settlers.

The same can happen to us as well.Many who witnessed the first stirringsof a mass teshuva movement after theYom Kippur War blame the Shabbosstone-throwers on the Ramot Road withhaving dampened the spirits of secularIsraelis. Torah Jewry became identifiedin the public mind with the stone-throwers. Today, the descendants ofthose stone-throwers, now moved toRamat Beit Shemesh, blacken the nameof Torah in the same way by throwingrocks and sending burning shoppingcarts hurtling at motorists hours afterthe end of Shabbos.

A community that feels itself underconstant attack finds it difficult to dis-avow those who wrap themselves in themantel of believing Jews, but when theyfalsify the Torah by their actions, we haveno choice.

Similarly, a community under siege isloathe to ever concede any point to its


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critics. But sometimes a proactiveresponse from us would be the bestdefense. For instance, one of the Shinui’stop agenda items is the closure of all thereligious councils around Israel. What ifwe were to admit that there are, in fact,many sinecures on the religious councilsand members drawing large salaries fordoing little or nothing? What if we wereto agree that only the very largest citiesrequire two chief rabbis, one Sephardiand one Ashkenazi? By showing a will-ingness to confront the waste of publicfunds, we would thereby strengthen ourcase for essential funding.

Lapid has made “religious coercion”one of his signature issues.“Let me helpyou go on enjoying yourselves,” he tellsyoung audiences. As Yair Sheleg, him-self a frequent critic of the chareidiworld, pointed out in the January 22Ha’aretz, religious coercion is a fakeissue. Not a single piece of religious leg-islation has been introduced since 1993,and even that was only to restore a long-standing administrative ban on theimport of the non-kosher meat, whichhad been struck down by the SupremeCourt. In every area, including most dra-matically commercial activity on Shab-bos, the religious “status quo” has beeneroding.

Nevertheless cries of “religious coer-cion” succeed in rallying the secular pop-ulation. In part, that reflects fears of areligious takeover caused by the rapidgrowth of Shas. Shas and Shinui exist inperfect symbiosis. Each derives itsstrength, in part, from fears of the other.In such a situation, it is particularlyincumbent upon us not to do anythingto encourage such fears. No threats toturn the Knesset into a Beit Knesset; nomusings about legislation to make therecitation of Tehillim mandatory duringthe moment of silence observed for fall-en soldiers.

Counteracting the “Us Only” Image

No image harms the chareidicommunity more than that ofbeing exclusively and single-

mindedly devoted to our own particu-laristic interests. That image is demon-

strably false. Virtually every major med-ical referral organization in the countrywas founded by chareidim, and there aredozens of chareidi organizations devot-ed to the needs of the entire community.

The media, however, focuses almostexclusively on Zaka, as if it were theexception proving the general rule ofchareidi indifference to the well-beingof secular Israelis.

Chareidi representatives on the Knes-set Budget Committee are regularlydescribed as holding up the passage ofthe state budget until the Treasuryguarantees continued funding forchareidi institutions. On occasion, wehave haplessly played into this percep-tion. The Big Family Law, whichincreased child allowances only from thefifth child on, is a classic example. At atime of budgetary constraints, passinga law that primarily benefited onlychareidim and Arabs, and offered littleadditional support for the vast major-ity of children living under the pover-ty line, was a major tactical blunder.


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The Large Family Law became alightning rod for criticism, and ren-dered all child allowances vulnerable tothe budget cutters in the Treasury. Notsurprisingly, the first cuts in childallowances proposed by Finance Min-ister Silvan Shalom were aimed at thosewho do not serve in the army. A lawdesigned to provide benefits for charei-dim and Arabs begat an EmergencyEconomic Plan designed specifically tocut benefits to those groups.

We must broaden our measure ofpolitical success to include more thansimply the size of the budgetary allo-cation secured. Larger budgetary allo-cations must be balanced against thecost of increased secular hatred and thefurther alienation of the secular pop-ulation from Torah.

Counteracting the image of selfishchareidim requires not only the avoid-ance of tactical blunders but alsorecalling the primary purpose of reli-gious representatives in the Knesset.Those representatives are charged notjust with protecting the narrow inter-

ests of the chareidi community. Theyare also charged with demonstratingthe relevance of the Torah to every chal-lenge confronting Klal Yisroel. Theinsistence that every major issue – notjust those dealing with mixtures of milkand meat – is within the ambit of thegedolei Torah is what distinguishes thechareidi parties from Mizrachi. Tomake that clear, our elected represen-tatives must speak in the name of thegedolim on all the major issues.

The election propaganda of UnitedTorah Judaism in the recent campaignindicates the party’s appreciation of thispoint. That propaganda plays up theparty’s support for social legislation andthe efforts of MK Rabbi Moshe Gafnion behalf of the environment.7 Thispromising start, however, reminds usof how long it has been since the gen-eral Israeli public knew, for instance, ofthe views of Rabbi Shach l”xz on thesettlements, or other major nationalissues.

Above all, we must do everythingpossible to share the Torah with our

secular brethren – not just for the pur-pose of kiruv, but to give them a feel-ing of connectedness. The thousands ofavreichim organized by Lev L’Achimwho go door-to-door in non-religiousneighborhoods asking, “Is there any-thing in the Torah you would like tostudy?” provide the model.

From a young age, we must instillour children with a determination tomake every interaction with non-reli-gious Jews – and there are many suchinteractions – an affirmative one. Inaddition, we must ensure that thoseoccasions when secular Israelis are


7 The case of Rabbi Gafni shows some of theobstacles placed before chareidi MKs who wishto demonstrate the Torah’s concern with everyaspect of Israeli life. The media gives no cover-age to his efforts as head of the Knesset Com-mittee on the Protection of the Environment.Ma’ariv even ridiculed the UTJ election ads forportraying the party as champions of the envi-ronment. In response, the chairman of the Soci-ety for the Preservation of the Environment wrotethe paper lauding Rabbi Gafni’s efforts and rebuk-ing the paper for deeming it inconceivable thata chareidi representative could be so involved inan ostensibly “non-religious” issue.

PACHAD YITZCHAK by Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner zt”l

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more or less forced into contact withthe religious establishment are positiveexperiences. Batei din (religiouscourts), for instance, should start ontime, and litigants leave impressed withthe dignity and concern shown them.Unfortunately, the opposite can be thecase.

Every Jewish bride is required to reg-ister with the Chief Rabbinate, whereshe typically hears a cursory review ofsome relevant halachos in a group ofsimilarly uninterested young women.A pilot project in selected localities toprovide each new bride and groomwith a specially trained counselor todiscuss Jewish marriage over severalindividual sessions proved a great suc-cess. Yet rather than expanding to meetthe requests from other localities, itshriveled due to lack of funding.

V. THE LARGER MEANING OFTHE LAPID PHENOMENON

Chareidim have good cause to fearTommy Lapid and the enactmentof any part of the Shinui pro-

gram. But secular Israelis should beequally concerned about what he revealsabout secular Israeli society. He has pro-vided a chilling snapshot of the nation-al soul.

The general malaise and hopeless-ness reflected in the popularity of aone-issue hatemongerer is the firstsource of concern. Messianic move-ments, both secular and religious, inJewish history have always sprungfrom such despair. The entire Osloprocess was an outgrowth of the shockoccasioned by the first intifada whenIsraeli tanks proved incapable ofquelling stone-throwing youngsters.

That hopelessness is exacerbated bythe alienation from any sense of one’sown Jewishness. (See “Israel on theBrink,” by this author in The JewishObserver, Nov. ’00, pp. 6-8.) Withoutthat alienation, Lapid would beunthinkable. The Palestinians’ belief intheir future triumph has been fueled toa very large extent by their sense thatthe Jews of Israel have lost all connec-tion to their roots. (Ibid, pp. 8-10.)

The pervasive lack of hope amongthe Israeli Jews and their lack of senseof their own place in the panorama ofhistory of the Jewish people are notunrelated phenomena. Those lackingany vision of what brought us to thisLand, any sense of themselves as thebearers of a glorious tradition, can findno real purpose in persevering.

They will fight the Palestiniansbecause they have no wish to leave theland in which they were born or tocommit suicide. But at some point,

without a positive vision of Jews inEretz Yisroel, they will ask themselveswhether the struggle is worth it, andhead for safer places. Among the uppersocio-economic strata to which Lapidhas exclusively pitched his message,many are doing so already.

When we combat the Lapid phe-nomenon, we do so not only to save our-selves but on behalf of Klal Yisroel. It isincumbent upon us to anwer those whospeak only to the fears of secular Israeliswith a vision of hope. ■


THE VORT

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THE WEDDING

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Rabbi Aryeh Malkiel KotlerRosh Hayeshiva, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood

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Rabbi Dovid Tzvi SchustalRosh Hayeshiva, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood

Rabbi Yeruchem OlshinRosh Hayeshiva, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood

Rabbi Mattisyahu SalamonMashgiach, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood

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South Fallsburg

Rabbi Chaim Boruch WolpinRosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva Karlin Stolin

Rabbi Zecharia GelleyRav, Khal Adas Jeshurun

Rabbi Lipa MarguliesRosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva & Mesifta Torah Temimah

Rabbi Dovid KviatChairman, Conference of Synagogue Rabbonimof Agudath Israel

Rabbi Shlomo MandelRosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva of Brooklyn

Rabbi Ephraim WachsmanRosh Hayeshiva, Mesivta Meor Yitzchok

We the rabbinical signatories — barring familial obligations — and unusual andextraordinary circumstances — will not participate in or attend a wedding celebration thatdisregards these guidelines. (Rabbinical Listing in formation)

Zalman Abraham, father of threesons who attend a yeshiva dayschool in Chicago, is ordered by

a court to send his sons to spend sev-eral weeks during the summer with hisex-wife, who, despite attending BaisYaakov schools from childhood, hasabandoned religious observance. To“get back” at her former husband, shetakes the boys to non-kosher restaurants,enrolls them in a Catholic day camp, andtakes them to a circus on the Seven-teenth of Tamuz (a fast day).

• Baruch Isaacs, who still wears ayarmulke and a beard, is awarded cus-tody of Avi, his teenage son, after a pro-tracted court battle. Dena Isaacs’ lawyerassumes that Baruch will certainly keepAvi in a yeshiva, and therefore the cus-tody agreement states only that the boymust attend “a Jewish school.” Baruchthen moves to Connecticut, where heenrolls Avi in a Conservative day school.The mother’s legal challenge to thismove is rejected by the courts.

• Batsheva Yellin is ordered by a courtto drive her children on Shabbos to meetwith Mark, their father, who is no longerobservant.

• Ahuva Sanders, who became obser-vant sometime after her marriage, filesfor divorce and is granted custody of herfour young children. Her ex-husband,Stanley, then charges that the childrenare being raised in a cult and persuadesa judge to take the children away from

their mother and out of yeshiva. Thechildren are now attending publicschool and Ahuva has very limited contact with them.

* * *

These anecdotes are based on realcases*, some of which werebrought to the attention of Agu-

dath Israel of America in search of legalassistance in resolving these dilemmas.Imagine the trauma and shame for chil-dren brought up to be strictly observantand yirei Shamayim, who are forced toget into a car on Shabbos, sometimes infront of their friends and neighbors. Pic-ture the horror of a caring parent, ashomer mitzvos, who is watching thisoccur after pleading in court to preventthis scene!

It is our responsibility to do whateverpossible to make certain that theseunfortunate situations are either avoid-ed or minimized. First, however, it isessential to understand how helpless andvulnerable children become trapped insuch a state of affairs.

ROOT CAUSES OF TRAGIC SITUATIONS

These scenarios are the end resultwhen child-custody disputesarise between divorcing spouses

who differ in their religious observanceand philosophy. This happens in two


*The names and identifying details of these caseshave been changed to protect the confidentiali-ty of the parties.

Sylvan Schaffer J.D., Ph.D. is both an attorneyand clinical psychologist who practices law andpsychology, and is affiliated with NYU, EinsteinMedical School, and Hofstra Law School.

Dr. Sylvan Schaffer

Custody DisputesThat Put OrthodoxChildren At RiskAnd What Can Be Done

The article by Dr. Sylvan Schaf-fer provides valuable informationand insights in regard to matters thatmust be addressed in marital sep-aration agreements and in courtorders dealing with children whoselives are so seriously affected by thedissolution of a marriage. Sadly, withconsiderable frequency, in the bit-terness that often attends divorce,the parties lose sight of the best inter-ests of the children. We have in thepast addressed the need forgreater civility and less confronta-tion in the divorce process*. Unlesswe rid divorce of the extreme per-sonal bitterness, the ability toaccomplish the laudatory goalsthat Dr. Schaffer addresses will behard to achieve. Where war is thefirst order of the day, childrenbecome pawns in the battle andultimately its first casualties. To min-imize collateral damage, religiousdivorces must also be civil.

*For example Dr. Meir Wikler’s “Two ‘Ex’s’and a ‘Why?’” (March ’93) and “From Step-Families to Blended Families” (Nov. ’96).

primary ways: first, both parents wereoriginally observant and one laterbegan to stray from observance; or sec-ond, the couple was originally non-observant and one party became morereligious and raised the children in thismanner with the consent of the non-practicing parent. When these parentsdecide to divorce, the religious upbring-ing of the children becomes an issue,and sometimes may be used as aweapon despite the damaging impact itmay have on the children.

In addition – this is especially true forfamilies living outside of large Ortho-dox communities – when the couplebegins the divorce process, they mayengage attorneys who themselves are notJewish or observant, and therefore maynot be familiar with the religiousnuances and requirements that must beput into matrimonial agreements inorder to protect the children. For exam-ple, the agreement may say that the chil-dren must be raised as “Jewish,” with-out defining the specifics of what thatmeans, i.e. Orthodox, Conservative or

Reform, or failed to spell out the myr-iad ramifications of “raising a child asan Orthodox Jew”: Shabbos, Kashrus,and educational influences. Thus, thecritical details of a child’s religiousupbringing may be left up to a judge todefine, and he may have little knowledgeabout such matters, or may harbor neg-ative myths about Orthodox religiouspractices.

Such cases may ultimately be dealtwith through litigation by attorneys andexpert witnesses who are familiar withsuch issues and the psychologicalimpact they can have on the children,but this method is usually pursued as alast resort. Litigation is generally resort-ed to only after other methods have beentried and failed, since trials are very cost-ly, and the child may already be in thetraumatic situation while the lengthy lit-igation process grinds on. Also, the out-come of a trial is uncertain, since a judgewill make the decision, which is thenimposed on the parents.

AN ALTERNATIVE: EARLY PREVENTION

Far more effective is early preven-tion. Planning for the religiousneeds of the children must begin

very early, and the rabbinate can play avery important role in making their con-gregants aware of the need for suchplanning. The rabbi often has beeninvolved with a couple since the earlystages of their relationship, including thepremarital period.

A rav may detect early warning signsand then speak to the couple about hisobservations. He may suggest ways tostrengthen their marriage before thedivorce process even gets under way.Such prevention, aimed at preservingshalom bayis, enhances the spiritual andpsychological environment of the chil-dren, as well.

There may be times, however, whenthe marriage cannot be saved and theparties begin the divorce process. Thisstage is not too early to launch the pre-vention process, aimed at avoiding thetragic scenarios that opened this article.At this point, the parent should seek outan attorney who is not only knowl-

edgeable about family law, but alsofamiliar with the full range of needs ofan Orthodox family. If such an attorneyis not available, experts may be enlist-ed with whom the attorney would con-sult about these issues. One such expertis the rabbi, who can explain the vitalreligious details to the attorney. Also, theattorney can consult with Orthodoxattorneys who can highlight key pointsthat should be included in the separa-tion, custody, or visitation agreement,and indicate time-tested approaches toavoiding unfortunate cases similar tothose in the opening anecdotes.

Although the other parent may notcooperate prior to going to court, theOrthodox parent may attempt to bringthe other party to a beis din, whichwould certainly be conversant with thereligious issues. In addition, the partiesmay seek mediation with a knowledge-able, neutral party so that these issuesmay be dealt with in a non-adversarialenvironment.

SOME IMPORTANT POINTS

There are several points that areimportant in formulating sepa-ration custody, and visitation

agreements. First, religious issues shouldbe dealt with explicitly. Sometimes, theyare actually overlooked. Second, gener-al terms such as “Jewish,” “kosher,” or“Jewish education” do not in themselvesconvey enough information. Such termsneed modifiers that are more specific.For example,“kosher” should be definedas to the specific types of hashgacha(rabbinical supervision) that are accept-able. Examples of the types of schoolsshould be given, or specific schoolsshould be named. If something is toodifficult to define or specify at that time,one can name a rabbi whose definitionswill resolve ambiguity problems, thusavoiding litigation.

It is also important to includespecifics about the future of the children’sreligious upbringing. These include:the type of shul that the children willattend; the distance from shul withinwhich they must live; who will pay forthe yeshiva education, and until what


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age; the specific neighborhoods and citiesthat are acceptable; the living arrange-ments in the home (especially who elsewill be living in the home); remarriage;what name the children will call a newspouse; which parent has control of reli-gious standards; standards of religiouspractice in the non-observant parent’shome during visitations, and methodsof verification; bar mitzvas and weddings(religious, financial, and family issues);travel outside the country (i.e. studyingin Eretz Yisroel); role of grandparents;arbitration by beis din; choice of doctorsand therapists; summer camps; visitationschedules (especially as they involveShabbos and Yom Tov); and other similar issues.

It is essential to make the agreementclear enough so that judicial involve-ment may be avoided or minimized, andthe religious definitions are not left openfor a judge to interpret. If religiousobservance issues are spelled out clear-ly in the visitation and custody agree-

ment, they are usually upheld by thecourts. If religious observance issues arenot spelled out clearly, the result is quiteoften the horror stories recounted at thebeginning of this article.

Parents need to take these actions asearly as possible in the custody process.Courts may question a parent’s sincer-ity if an activity, which is labeled as objec-tionable, has been allowed to continuefor a long period without protest. Itshould be emphasized to a judge that thechild’s religious observance is of inter-est even to a secular court, since its lackof continuity may have negative impacton a child’s psychological stability.

A COMMUNAL CONCERN

These religion-based custody casesprovide the Orthodox commu-nity with an opportunity to

assist children who are suffering great-ly, and whose lives may be drasticallyaltered by the ordeal. The community

should provide emotional, financial,and informational support to the fam-ily in a time of personal and spiritualcrisis. With proper planning and care,the children can be spared such trau-matic experiences. ■


WeeklyTorah newspaper seeks

EXPERIENCEDNEWS

FEATUREWRITERS

Please fax resume to(718) 692-4873

The media have been busy formonths with One People, TwoWorlds, the book I co-authored

with Ammiel Hirsch, and the promo-tional tour from which I withdrew aftertwo appearances in deference to theCouncil of Torah Sages. Now that thedust has settled somewhat, I would liketo add a few remarks and observationsof my own.

A few weeks ago, upon his returnfrom his now solo appearances on thetour, Ammi wrote a piece for the Jew-ish Week (01-03-03) in which he lament-ed the missed opportunity for theOrthodox. He had met “thousands ofJews… precisely the people Rabbi Rein-man wanted to reach − mostly non-Orthodox Jews eager to learn moreabout Torah and the Orthodox world.”

It was indeed a missed opportunity.My message resonated well with the peo-ple during the first two appearances −in the “State of World Jewry” forum atthe 92nd St. Y and at a book fair in Indi-anapolis − despite my long caftan,beard and peyot. After the presentations,many people approached me with com-ments, questions and an overwhelming

curiosity. We also connected on a per-sonal level, and I loved it and them. Bywithdrawing from the tour, I had toforgo meeting hundreds of peopleunder similar circumstances. A greatloss.

But why did I withdraw from thetour? And even more important, whywas this opportunity for an Orthodoxrabbi to meet non-Orthodox peoplesuch a rare phenomenon?

Ammi offers us the answer.“The Jew-ish world needs you,” he calls out to theOrthodox,“to bring your love of Torah,discipline, commitment, knowledgeand passion to the Jewish world…. Theenemy is not Reform Judaism. Theenemy is apathy, assimilation and igno-rance. We should see ourselves as alliesin our common struggle to sustain andensure Jewish continuity.”

You see? There are strings attached


Rabbi Reinman, a Talmudic scholar, author andhistorian, lives in Lakewood, New Jersey.

Yaakov Yosef Reinman

Don’t Judge theBook by Its Cover

The December issue of The Jewish Observer discussed “TheDangers of Dialogue,” in response to the recently published book,One People, Two Worlds, which consists of a dialogue onfundamental principles of faith between Rabbi Yosef Reinman, arecognized Torah scholar, and Ammiel Hirsch, the leader of theAssociation of Reform Zionists of America. The appearance of thebook prompted the Moetzes Gedolei Hatorah to issue a declarationrejecting the book’s premise, and therefore the book itself.

Rabbi Reinman accepted the decision of the Moetzes GedoleiHatorah and cancelled a promotional tour with the co-author. Thismove won the praise of many Torah leaders, but was criticized by thesecular media. Reflecting on the episode, Rabbi Reinman has writtenthe following article for the Jewish Week. With permission from theauthor and the Jewish Week, we are reprinting it in full.

to these wonderful opportunities. SoReform laypeople want to hear and learnfrom Orthodox rabbis? Fine, but onlyif those Orthodox rabbis acknowledgeReform rabbis as allies. It is like a par-ent using the children as pawns in amarital struggle. If the Orthodox rabbistands on the stage side by side with aReform rabbi, then he can speak to thepeople. Otherwise, no visitation.

But Reform rabbis are not our col-leagues in the work of perpetu-ating Jewish continuity. Reform

ideology embraces moral relativism,denies the divine authorship of theTorah, denies the divine covenant,

denies the binding nature of Halachahand, by doing so, rejects the Judaism ofour ancestors. Reform laypeople knowthis full well, and that is why they areso eager to learn about Orthodoxy, thereligion of their ancestors. They don’tdisplay the same interest in Conser-vatism and Reconstructionism, whichare just different flavors of the liberalstream.

During these last few months, Ihave met and heard from numerousnon-Orthodox people yearning for astronger Jewish identity, and I wonderedwhat motivated them to set themselvesapart from American society. Then itstruck me that the laypeople have never

let go of the religion of their ancestors,that the national memory of Sinai is stilletched into their chromosomes, thatdeep down they know that the divinecovenant between the Creator and Hispeople is real.

Fifty years ago, a group of leadingOrthodox sages erected a firewallbetween the Orthodox rabbinate and theReform rabbinate, forbidding any offi-cial contact whatsoever between the two;they placed no restrictions, however, oncontact with Reform Jews as individu-als. The sages felt that sharing commonplatforms with movements so antithet-ical to the religion of our ancestorswould give them an aura of legitimacythey did not deserve. Since then, Ortho-doxy has flourished, but the lines ofcommunications with our non-Ortho-dox brothers and sisters have beenshut down. Their rabbis have told themthat the Orthodox hate them and do notconsider them authentic Jews − absolutelies − and then they have stood guardover the people to make sure that noOrthodox rabbi speaks to them unat-tended.

So why did I write my book whenI knew that our revered sages dis-approved of sharing platforms

with Reform rabbis? Was I breakingaway and setting out in a new direction?Heaven forbid. There is a deep sense ofdesperation in the Orthodox commu-nity at the disintegration of the non-Orthodox world. There is a feeling thattime is running out and that somethingmust be done. The rabbis who author-ized and supported this project decid-ed, based on several fine distinctions,that it was an exception to the rule. Tomention just one of these distinctions,since I am an independent scholar andwriter rather than a member of the rab-binate, my participation was considered“individual” rather than “official” con-tact; I mention this distinction in thebook several times. We felt we could thuscircumvent the rabbinate and speakdirectly to the people.

We were wrong. The media com-pletely ignored my explicit distinctionsand depicted the exchange as a break-


through, a breach in the Orthodox wallof rejection − which it was never meantto be. Most did not even bother to readthe book. They just looked at the coverand, to my horror, painted me as theRosa Parks of interdenominational dia-logue. I have yet to see one serious, in-depth review of the book.

The declaration of the Council ofSages simply reaffirmed what we alreadyknew − that the distinctions had failedto register with all those people eager toportray the book in a light that suitedthem better. Under these circumstances,the tour would just compound the error.

What could I say? They were right.And so, I withdrew. Unfortunately, themedia ridiculed the Council of Sages asbeady-eyed ayatollahs issuing fatwasagainst me and my family and bans ofexcommunication against anyone whodared pick up the book. This was allnonsense.

The members of the Council arewise, intelligent, highly principled peo-ple, most of whom I have known foryears; two of them paid their respects

when I was sitting Shivah for my fatherlast week. The sages just set policy; theynever tell individuals what to do, andthey certainly never threatened me inany way whatsoever. Their declarationtreated me with kindness and respect,and when I issued my brief statementof acceptance and withdrew from thetour, they were surprised and respond-ed with a nice complimentary state-ment. I have only good things to sayabout them.

In retrospect, the premise of the bookwas a mistake. But what is done is done.The book has taken on a life of its own,and I hope and pray that it does onlygood and no harm. Ultimately, the bookwill stand as convincing evidence thatOrthodoxy is intellectually sophisticat-ed and compelling, that our rejection ofdialogue does not stem from fear andthat our expressions of love for all Jewsare genuine and sincere.

In the meantime, I urge all my Jew-ish brothers and sisters not to allowyour rabbis to hold you hostage. If

they do not allow you to meet Ortho-dox rabbis, read the books I mention inthe Afterword. If you need more guid-ance, write to me at the email address([email protected]) that appearsthere.

As Ammi mentioned, when we wereat the 92nd St Y, the moderator askedme, “If someone has a choice betweenwatching the Sopranos and learningTalmud with a Reform rabbi, whatwould you advise him to do?” Thingshad been going so well, and now thisbomb. I tried to wiggle out, but themoderator pinned me down. Whatcould I do? So I took a deep breath andsaid, “He should watch the Sopranos.”There was an audible gasp from theaudience. I was mortified.

Afterward, Richard Curtis, my wisefriend and agent, told me,“Don’t worry.People will respect your intellectual hon-esty. And besides, many people will gohome wondering, What is so bad aboutlearning Talmud with a Reform rabbi?Why would he say something like that?”

Why, indeed. ■


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“If There’s Anything I Can Do…” byRebecca Bram Feldbaum, (published byFeldheim Publishers, Nanuet, NY/Jerusalem, 2003 $21.95)

How often do we, as caring Jews,reach out to help someone, onlyto find we’ve caused more harm

than good? How often does our “chizukcall” weaken the receiver to distraughttears? Are our pick-me-ups taken as put-downs? And do we find ourselves yetagain wondering, “What should I havedone or said?”

This new book by Rebecca BramFeldbaum is a volume in sensitivitytraining. A widow at a young age, withfour small children, she shares herexperiences in an open, heartfelt way.Reading of her first confrontation withthe title “widow,” of her husband’sfuneral, of her children’s experiences, shedoes much more than open her heart tous. She opens our hearts.

“Tzoros levovi hirchivu,” David Ham-

elech says. “The troubles of my hearthave expanded.” Rav Hirsch, however,translates the pasuk to mean – “Trou-bles have widened my heart.” Vicari-ously, we gain depth of feeling as we areconfronted with the effect our wordshave on others. For example, did thewoman begging for a donation know theeffect of her words “Ani almana –I am a widow” when sheaddressed Mrs. Feld-baum on her firstvisit to the Kosel theday after shiva? Is anelementary schoolteacher aware that asshe teaches Bereishesand the deaths ofour forefathers, thatthe young child inclass could be reliv-ing his own father’sdeath?

The scope of herbook goes far beyondthis. It is loaded withpractical suggestionsthat would make rec-ommended reading forhigh schoolers. They could be directedto chapters such as “Do’s and Don’ts ForHospital Visits.” For example, “Do notspeak to a family member in the hos-pital room as if the patient isn’t there.Do not discuss the patient’s medical

condition in his room when you thinkhe’s sleeping….”

Even suggestions such as notbringing flower arrangements andstuffed animals to a patient who willbe in a hospital for a short stay andmay be inconvenienced by trans-porting it home.

Chazal tells us that whenReuvain saved Yoseffrom death at thehands of his brothers,he would have carriedhim on his shouldersback to his father hadhe known that hisdeeds would berecorded for genera-tions in the Torah.One gets a twinge ofsimilar lost opportu-nity when readingthe last chapter,“Acknowledgements.”How real and sincereare her thanks to all

those who stood by her indifficult times! Here are people who

gave generously and kindly by being truefriends. These are accomplishmentseach of us should strive to emulate inour circles. Reading Mrs. Feldbaum’sacknowledgments is gentle mussar forall of us.

Just as the Chofetz Chaim opened upa whole new field of guarding one’stongue from slander, Mrs. Feldbaum –on her modest scale – opens up a worldof guarding against causing emotionalpain. She touches on topics of divorce,remarriage, childlessness and loss, whileteaching caring and gentleness.

You may wonder why such a bookhas a bright blue cover with yellow stick-ums scattered around. In fact, as muchas it tells of sadness, this book will makeyou laugh as the author’s inner simcha,humor and bitachon glimmers throughmany pages. Somber, of course, butnever morbid, this is a unique testimo-ny of a true ma’amin, which teaches,inspires and prods its readers in uplift-ing, practical growth. You can judge thisbook by its cover, and you’ll open it andturn to its wisdom again and again. ■

Reva Rubenstein


Mrs. Rubenstein, who lives in Monsey, NY, has been theJewish Observer layout artist for many years. This is her firstliterary contribution to these pages

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