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In one form or another, I keep coming back to the importance of young people learning to effectively speak up. I do so because having or lacking this capacity seems to make such a profound social and psychological difference in whether they feel enabled or disabled making their way in an older world during the last stage of adolescence (/basics/adolescence) , Trial Independence (ages 18 – 23.) The ability to verbally declare and define oneself is a fundamental life skill. They must depend upon it to communicate their ideas and feelings and needs and wants, form intimate relationships, transact personal business, and negotiate their way in an adult world. More specifically, speaking up enables young people to present themselves, declare themselves, explain themselves, make themselves socially known, ask for what they need to know, question authority, sell themselves, persuade (/basics/persuasion) others, defend themselves with words, argue on their own behalf, take important stands, and talk out feelings rather than act them out. Speaking up can serve many purposes. However, speaking up can be complicated to do. It is partly a language challenge (WHAT exactly to say), partly an objective challenge (WHY one is choosing to speak), and partly a social challenge (WHO is being spoken to). This combination can make what sounds like a simple task actually very difficult when feeling at a loss for words, fearing to disagree, or having to confront an authority. For example, the college freshman believes her paper was unfairly graded, but does she approach the professor for a reevaluation? If she doesn’t, no one else will. She is the only advocate she has, but assuming this grown up responsibility can be tough for an unpracticed older adolescent to do. Teenagers who are inclined to be silent can benefit by becoming more outspoken Post published by Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D. on Jun 09, 2014 in Surviving (Your Child's) Adolescence Adolescence and Learning to Speak Up SHARE TWEET SHARE EMAIL 0 Like

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  • 4/22/2015 AdolescenceandLearningtoSpeakUp|PsychologyToday

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201406/adolescenceandlearningspeak 1/5

    Inoneformoranother,Ikeepcomingbacktotheimportanceofyoungpeoplelearningtoeffectivelyspeakup.Idosobecausehavingorlackingthiscapacityseemstomakesuchaprofoundsocialandpsychologicaldifferenceinwhethertheyfeelenabledordisabledmakingtheirwayinanolderworldduringthelaststageofadolescence(/basics/adolescence),TrialIndependence(ages1823.)

    Theabilitytoverballydeclareanddefineoneselfisafundamentallifeskill.Theymustdependuponittocommunicatetheirideasandfeelingsandneedsandwants,formintimaterelationships,transactpersonalbusiness,andnegotiatetheirwayinanadultworld.

    Morespecifically,speakingupenablesyoungpeopletopresentthemselves,declarethemselves,explainthemselves,makethemselvessociallyknown,askforwhattheyneedtoknow,questionauthority,sellthemselves,persuade(/basics/persuasion)others,defendthemselveswithwords,argueontheirownbehalf,takeimportantstands,andtalkoutfeelingsratherthanactthemout.Speakingupcanservemanypurposes.

    However,speakingupcanbecomplicatedtodo.Itispartlyalanguagechallenge(WHATexactlytosay),partlyanobjectivechallenge(WHYoneischoosingtospeak),andpartlyasocialchallenge(WHOisbeingspokento).Thiscombinationcanmakewhatsoundslikeasimpletaskactuallyverydifficultwhenfeelingatalossforwords,fearingtodisagree,orhavingtoconfrontanauthority.Forexample,thecollegefreshmanbelievesherpaperwasunfairlygraded,butdoessheapproachtheprofessorforareevaluation?Ifshedoesnt,nooneelsewill.Sheistheonlyadvocateshehas,butassumingthisgrownupresponsibilitycanbetoughforanunpracticedolderadolescenttodo.

    TeenagerswhoareinclinedtobesilentcanbenefitbybecomingmoreoutspokenPostpublishedbyCarlEPickhardtPh.D.onJun09,2014inSurviving(YourChild's)

    Adolescence

    Adolescence and Learning to Speak UpSHARE

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  • 4/22/2015 AdolescenceandLearningtoSpeakUp|PsychologyToday

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201406/adolescenceandlearningspeak 2/5

    Adaptingthewordssheusedtodescribeherdilemma,theywentlikethis:IhavetoactlikeanadultspeakinguptoanadultwhenIdontfeellikeanadult!Shewascorrect.Speakinguptoadultscontributestofluencyofcommunicationwithadultsandconfersasenseofadultstanding.

    Iwishhighschoolandcollegeteacherswouldroutinelyletstudentsknowtheimportanceofspeakingup.Theycouldbegineachcoursebytakingfiveminutestotalkabouthowspeakingupinclasscontributestostrengtheningavitalsocialskillthatcanbeasimportantaslearningthespecificcontentunderstudy.Theycanencouragestudentstospeakupinfrontofpeersandtoanadultinauthority,toanswer,toquestion,tojointhedialogue,andtodisagree.Theycanevenmakeapromise:Ifyoucangetmorecomfortablepublicallyspeakingupinthisclassinfrontofyourpeersandtome,youwilldoyourselfanexpressivefavor.Youwillstrengthenyourcapacitytobeoutspokenforlateron.

    Theoppositeofspeakingupisshuttingup,remainingundeclaredandundefinedandunknownahabitthatcanbearealsocialliabilitywhenonecantexpress,orexplain,orquestion,ordebate,orassertoneselfforselfadvancementorselfdefense.Thisiswhyparentswanttobesuretheiradolescenthasadequatespeakingupskillsinplacebeforeleavinghomearoundhighschoolgraduationage.Youngpeoplepronetoshuttingupcanhaveahardertimedoingsomethingasfundamentalaslookingforajob,makingemploymentcontact,expressinginterest,describingqualifications,andcomfortablyinterviewingwell.

    Ofcourse,someyoungpeopleseemtobeverballyexpressiveandsociallyoutgoing(/basics/extroversion)fromthestart.Forexample,inclinedtoidentifyandcommunicatewithparentsonanadultbasis,andencouragedtobebothverballyandsociallyprecocious(adultizedinthisway),manyanonlychilddevelopstrongspeakingupskillsaspartofassuminggrownupfamilystandingfromanearlyage.Someyoungpeoplegrowupinpushandshovesocialcircumstanceswhereaggressiveverbalskillsarerequiredtoholdonesown.Tosurvivetheylearntobeoutspokenfromanearlyage.Thentherearethosechildrenwhogrowupinafamilyorsocialcultureoffreeforalldiscussionthatproducesyoungpeoplewhoarewellpracticedinspeakingupsincespeakingtheirmindhasalwaysbeenencouragedandexpected,evendemanded.Therearelotsofsocialandfamilybackgroundsthatfavorlearningtospeakup.

    Havingsaidthis,therearestillmanychildrenandadolescentswhogrowupina"shuttingup"way.Maybetheytendtobeinwardorshy(/basics/shyness),orfeelsociallyinsecure,orareeasilyembarrassed,orfear(/basics/fear)soundingfoolish,orsimplyfindfindingwordstospeakhardtodo.Orperhapsspeakingupistreatedastalkingbackinafamilywherechildrenshouldbeseenbutnotheard.Orperhapsdominantoldersiblingsdiscouragespeakingoutbyyoungersiblings.Whateverthecause,itisabouttheseadolescentsthatIwasthinkingwhenwritingthisblog,ponderingwaysIveHome FindaTherapist Topics GetHelp Magazine Tests

  • 4/22/2015 AdolescenceandLearningtoSpeakUp|PsychologyToday

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201406/adolescenceandlearningspeak 3/5

    seeninexperiencedyoungpeoplepracticespeakingupthatparentswereabletoencourageandhelp.

    Consider,innoparticularorder,afewcommontrainingexperiencesfromwhichIhaveseenuncommunicativeadolescentsbenefitastheylearntobecomemorecomfortablyandconfidentlyoutspokenontheirownbehalf.

    Familymealtimesareusedfordiscussiontimes.Bedtimetalksencouragerecappingeventsoftheday.Adolescentsareexpectedtoconversewithparentalfriends.Parentsencouragequestionsaboutthemselves.Arguingwithparentsiswelcomed.Givingclassreportsisrequired.Parentscoachadolescentsinhowtotalkwithschoolpersonnelwhenproblemsarise.Studentsparticipateinspeechanddebateanddramaclasses.Studentsrunforelectiveofficeatschool.Parentsexpectadolescentstoconvincinglystatetheircasetogetmorepersonalfreedoms.Forajob,youngpeopleundergosalestraining.Adolescentsaremaderesponsibleformakingadultcontactsandarrangementswhenworldlyneedsarise.Tofinanceaschoolorchurchyouthproject,participatinginfundraisingisexpected.

    Alloftheseexperiencesarejustafewscatteredopportunitiesforanadolescenttoimproveherorhiscapacityforspeakingup.Thepointisthis:ifparentshaveashuttingupadolescent,theycanbeinstrumentalinsupportingactivitiesthatencourageexpressivepractice.

    Finally,althoughIamnotapsychologicalresearcher,justapractitionerobserver,myresearchbetwouldbethatifyouhadtwogroupsofadolescents,onewheresubjectscharacterizedthemselvesasmoreSociallyOutspokenandtheotherwheresubjectscharacterizedthemselvesasmoreSociallyUnspoken,Ibelieveyoumightfindthisdifference.

    Onsomeestablishedtestofglobalselfesteem(/basics/selfesteem),themoreoutspokenadolescentswouldtendtoscoresignificantlyhigherthantheirmorereticentpeers.Why?Bypracticingassertive(/basics/assertiveness)communication,speakingupadolescentsmayaffirmtheirsenseofpersonalvalue:Ihavesomethingworthsaying,Iamworthlisteningto,Iamworthbeingknown,andIintendtobeheard.

    Speakingupnotonlycanempoweryoungpeopleastheymaketheirwayintheadultworld,butitcanalsobuildayoungpersonsselfconfidenceandselfesteem.Onallcounts,parentsmightwanttonurturethisessentiallifeskillastheiradolescentgrows.

    Formoreaboutparenting(/basics/parenting)adolescents,seemybook,SURVIVINGYOURCHILDSADOLESCENCE(Wiley,2013.)Informationat:www.carlpickhardt.com(http://www.carlpickhardt.com)

    GetaFreeissueofPsychologyToday SUBSCRIBENOW

  • 4/22/2015 AdolescenceandLearningtoSpeakUp|PsychologyToday

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201406/adolescenceandlearningspeak 4/5

    (/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201504/developmentaldislikeparentsduringearlyadolescence)

    Developmental Dislike of ParentsDuring Early Adolescence(/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201504/developmental-dislike-parents-during-early-adolescence)Comeadolescence,thereismoretodislikeaboutparents,andthereneedstobe

    (/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201504/theemotionaltrialstrialindependenceages1823)

    The Emotional "Trials" of TrialIndependence (ages 18 - 23)(/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201504/the-emotional-trials-trial-independence-ages-18-23)Althoughparentswishotherwise,thehardeststageofadolescencecomeslast

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    Adolescence and Making ParentsProud (/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201504/adolescence-and-making-parents-proud)Statementsofparentalpridethatthechildvalued

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    Protective Parenting anAdolescent (/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201503/protective-parenting-adolescent)Unabletoprooftheirteenagerfromharm,parents

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  • 4/22/2015 AdolescenceandLearningtoSpeakUp|PsychologyToday

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/survivingyourchildsadolescence/201406/adolescenceandlearningspeak 5/5

    childsadolescence/201504/adolescenceandmakingparentsproud)

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    Adolescent Excellence andManaging High Expectations(/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201503/adolescent-excellence-and-managing-high-expectations)Highperformanceexpectationscomewithsometimesnotdoingwellenough

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