advice from teachers to parents · advice from teachers to parents i want parents to know that i...

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2/26/2020 Consider Implementing in your Home https://myemail.constantcontact.com/Consider-Implementing-in-your-Home.html?aid=h8za3-S2WiI&soid=1101331473841 1/8 SHARE: Join Our Email List Advice from Teachers to Parents I want parents to know that I encourage children to think beyond themselves. The challenge I face is having children care about someone else. The majority of children want to know what’s in it for them first. So many students do not understand what they feel or what they can do about their feelings. Parents can help their children become aware of their emotions and to understand what they feel and why. Children also need to understand that they can and should make a difference in the lives of other children. I have found through the years that this age group needs the explicit practice in learning about empathy and compassion. Most of the students just seem to be focused on themselves. I would tell parents that when their children come to them with news of the day which may involve a conflict with a peer, rather than trying to defend their child, they might consider guiding the discussion in an alternate way. I would encourage parents to ask their children to think about how the other person may have been feeling. In schools, parent support is a huge asset. Unfortunately though, I have had many experiences in my middle school guidance counseling role where parents have made working with their child more difficult. Even the best intentioned parent does not fully know how to navigate a child’s day to day experience at school. It is important for the parents to understand that not every child is raised the same. Although one family might impose certain morals or values on their children, another family might be severely lacking. In a classroom of up to 28 students and one teacher, it is difficult for teachers to catch and address every negative interaction that occurs between students. Teachers spend a significant amount of time addressing the social interactions in a classroom while trying to get through their lesson plan.

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Page 1: Advice from Teachers to Parents · Advice from Teachers to Parents I want parents to know that I encourage children to think beyond ... and also be available to make a plan for improvement

2/26/2020 Consider Implementing in your Home

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Advice from Teachers to Parents

I want parents to know that I encourage children to think beyondthemselves. The challenge I face is having children care about someoneelse. The majority of children want to know what’s in it for them first.So many students do not understand what they feel or what they can doabout their feelings. Parents can help their children become aware of theiremotions and to understand what they feel and why. Children also need tounderstand that they can and should make a difference in the lives of otherchildren.

I have found through the years that this age group needs the explicit practice in learning about empathyand compassion. Most of the students just seem to be focused on themselves.I would tell parents that when their children come to them with news of the day which may involve aconflict with a peer, rather than trying to defend their child, they might consider guiding the discussionin an alternate way. I would encourage parents to ask their children to think about how the other personmay have been feeling.

In schools, parent support is a huge asset. Unfortunately though, I have had many experiences in mymiddle school guidance counseling role where parents have made working with their child moredifficult. Even the best intentioned parent does not fully know how to navigate a child’s day to dayexperience at school.It is important for the parents to understand that not every child is raised the same. Although one familymight impose certain morals or values on their children, another family might be severely lacking. In aclassroom of up to 28 students and one teacher, it is difficult for teachers to catch and address everynegative interaction that occurs between students. Teachers spend a significant amount of timeaddressing the social interactions in a classroom while trying to get through their lesson plan.

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Many parents question how teachers missed a certain interaction between students and why it was notaddressed, without understanding the complexity of a teacher’s role. It is important for parents tounderstand the significant amount of pressure teachers face on a day-to-day basis for students to dowell on standardized tests. Reading and math scores directly impact the amount of support and moneyschools receive, which means there is less time and resources for teachers to focus on lessons thatsolely work towards promoting empathy. Teachers do their best to work these skills into their lessonsand activities, but there is a lot of pressure.

An area that I often struggle with parents at school is theaccountability of what their child is doing. Parents in my schoolare more than willing to bring a situation to my attention whenthey feel their child has been wronged, but what becomeschallenging is when their child had some blame in the incidentas well.It is difficult to promote empathy and positive social skills when achild is not being held accountable for their role in a situation.Understandably, parents at times have a difficult time coming toterms that their child might act differently at home versus how they act at school. These situations arequite difficult to navigate. It is important for the parent to feel the situation has been resolved and tocontinue to maintain a positive relationship with the parent, while also making sure the child is heldaccountable for their actions.Another area I struggle with at my school is parents not modeling appropriate interactions betweenadults and children. I hold frequent meetings with parents to discuss grades, behaviors or otherconcerns. Students are also included in these meetings so they can have a say in what is being sharedand also be available to make a plan for improvement moving forward.Unfortunately quite often parents resort to yelling at their child during these meetings. Often times, aparent is modeling the exact behavior that I shared as a concern within the classroom. I have also beenthe one to receive the yelling during meetings or phone calls. These explosive interactions do notmodel a positive way to communicate with others and sends a wrong message to children.Another area that can be difficult to navigate with parents is cell phones and social media. Moststudents at my school have some type of smart phone. Parents feel pressure to make sure theirstudent has the latest technology to fit in but social media is a significant detriment to children buildingskills in empathy. When children have free reign to use social media platforms without supervision itcan create problems.Many parents at my school do not monitor their child’s phone use and are not looped into what theirchild is viewing or talking about/posting about on social media. Many issues between students arisedue to conversations and posting on social media, which are then brought into school and need to bedealt with. When these issues are brought to light and parents are looped in, I often advise parents tomonitor certain applications that students are using to avoid negative interactions with otherclassmates. More often than not the issue still continues and no part of the student’s phone use haschanged.As a whole, parent involvement is not strong at my school. Less parent involvement is more indicativeof urban schools, and is something all Boston Public Schools struggle with. A way my school couldmake better strides to improve the relationship and buy in with parents is to provide more opportunitiesfor parents to become involved within the school community. Although we do have a parent council, theinvolvement is low and I do not think advertised well.

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I believe running more workshops for parents that directly impact the promotion of empathy and healthyrelationships, such as “children and social media” could go a long way. These workshops could notonly educate parents, but also build a stronger relationship between parents and staff to improve someof the disconnects that are acting as barriers that directly impact the empathy and compassion of thestudents I serve. I wish we could be more candid with parents about how modeling healthy socialinteractions can go a long way, but this area is tricky to navigate. 

What can parents do? Parents can encourage their students to take part in volunteering or giving toothers. We know that doing these acts increase empathy and compassion. As a Language Artsteacher, I would encourage them to read all types of texts about people who are different from them.Take a walk in someone else’s shoes (like Malala Yousafzai) and learn about others’ problems. Toomany kids are reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid and not advancing their knowledge/empathy. Lastly, Iwould encourage parents to actively teach compassion. When they see an example, point it out to theirchildren. Too many times we don’t take the time to explain the reasons behind what we are doing orseeing, we take for granted that the students know these things...and sadly they do not.As for what I will be saying to the parents this year, we will be reading a lot of literature about differentcultures. I will be pushing students to read outside of their comfort zone. Perhaps they will read aboutSalva in A Long Walk to Water and how he had to survive being a Lost Boy of Sudan, maybe they willread about Ishmael Beah in A Long Way Gone and his time being a child soldier in Sierra Leone.Students need to hear diverse voices and I will encourage the parents to read with their child in order tocompliment each other on learning to be more compassionate, instead of complaining about thegraphic language in the texts.

I am glad this is one of the paper topics as I always say thatparent connection and engagement are one of the biggestfactors in increasing success among students. I work in avery urban district with an extremely diverse population,mostly made up of minority students. One thing I havelearned over my 15 years in urban education is that parentslove their kids. Even drug addicts love their kids. The mostimportant thing for a parent to know as an educator is that weare on the same team when it comes to their child. We do notalways have to agree and they may not always like what Ihave to say, but they always know that I care about their child’s best interest. I find that if we canconnect in that way I can usually be successful with getting the parent on board.Currently we are seeing a major increase in the use of phones in school. While we do have policies inplace that restrict students from using their phones in school, they have become so addicted to theirphones that many of them almost cannot resist the urge to not put them away during class.Many of the disciplines calls that I hear on the radio (we have walkie talkies) all day are about cellphone violations. Students and parents have no idea how poorly this behavior is impacting theirabilities to focus and be truly successful. They are distracted and unfocused and then expect lessons tobe repeated when they were not paying attention. Many parents get irate when we take a student’sphone away after repeated violations and say things like “I pay that bill” and “what if I want to call my

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kid during the day?”. While we live in a fast paced environment now that lends itself to an obsessionwith the internet and cell phones, education is truly suffering because of this.It is not just that the students are obsessed with using their cell phones, but it is what they are lookingat on their cell phones that is causing the most damage. We are unable to restrict what they are lookingat online so I always encourage parents to set strict restrictions on their child’s phones.I often have parents call me in tears telling me that they think their child is addicted to watching youtubeor playing video games or using some social media venue such as snapchat or instagram. I absolutelybelieve that this is a real addiction that is creating a generation of very narcissistic children. Theseimages depicted on social media, youtube, etc. are typically inappropriate in nature and move veryquickly which is hurting their young brains. Students are becoming self obsessed with taking selfiesand many parents are too scared to upset the child by taking the phone away.

I constantly encourage parents to allow us to put the childon a phone ban or leave their phone at home during theschool day. They are always welcome to call me if theyneed to reach their child in an emergency.Part of the problem is that many of my students parents arevery young and are addicted to their cell phones as well. Ihave had many instances where a parent is involved withthe students in a social media battle. For example, I had

one mother that was threatening a student on facebook because she felt like the student was bullyingthe daughter. The mother then came to the school at dismissal and fought the young girl. The girl was16 and the mother was 30.           In order to reverse the trend from narcissism to altruism I truly believe that we need parents’help in eradicating the social media obsession epidemic. When parents get on board and studentsknow that we are a united front the students typically make better choices around their cell phones andthe use of social media.I would like to tell parents how important it is to manage their children’s screen time and to tell themhow important it is to be involved in their child’s academic life. I would like to tell parents that studentsreally love it when their parents show an interest in their academic life. I think that parents think theirchild does not care because they are in high school, but they do care.I would like to tell parents that they play a huge role in the empathy and compassion their children learnfor others. I think they think because their children are older they do not pay attention to everythingtheir parents are doing. The truth is all children want the approval of their parents. I have never met achild/student that did not want to feel loved and supported by their parent/parents/guardians.Parents seem to forget what an important role they play in their children's lives. When students are notgetting adequate attention from their parents they will often act out and look for ways to get attention inother ways. Often times these ways of looking for attention can get them in a lot of trouble.Students are counting on their parents to provide positive feedback and to be a role model. Mostchildren want to be like their parents even if the parent is doing the wrong thing. I have seen DCF(Department of Family and Children) take a child out of home where the child was being abused andneglected yet the child desperately wants to stay there. The bond that children have with their parentsis innate and instinctual and it is imperative for parents to understand what a crucial role they areplaying in their children's lives. I work diligently to teach parents that the more we work as a team withtheir child the better success everyone will have.

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What I would like to tell parents about students in my classroom is that each year I see less empathyand less compassion for their classmates. Overall, I would like parents to understand that no classroomcan have a positive learning environment if the students are not learning to be compassionate at home.I think most parents would agree that they want their child’s classroom to have a positive environmentwhere everyone feels welcome and safe. Parents want the teacher and the other students to treat theirchild fairly and with respect. However, this starts at home and unfortunately many parents are notmodeling empathetic and compassionate behaviors for their children. 

As a high school counselor what I would like for parents to knowabout the challenges my students face regarding empathy andcompassion is how vitally important it is that we teach both atschool and home. The biggest challenge to teaching compassionand empathy is the competitive culture of our educational systemwhich in turn is also apparent in our homes and parenting styles.Anxiety and depression are widespread in my school and I believe itis related to this competitive, be the best, get the grade system thatdominates our lives. Parents want their students to get accepted tothe top colleges and will do anything to improve their odds often“rescuing” their children out of any struggles they may incur alongthe way. None of this breeds compassion and empathy for others.Parents need to be educated themselves on these topics. They will attend all our parent nights ontopics of college admissions and financial aid but few would take the time to attend a parent night onteaching compassion and empathy to their children. Breaking this cycle can feel like a salmonswimming upstream. Helping parents to understand that many colleges have changed their admissionscriteria from purely academic standings to more well-rounded view of their applicants is helpful ineducating them on the importance of these issues. Volunteering and service is one of the best ways toteach empathy and compassion to our youth and colleges are now recognizing the importance ofaccepting students who have empathy and compassion for others.I addressed the topic “The Gift of Struggle” with a group of parents of incoming freshman students whoattended the parent workshop while their children were involved in a transition activity in another areaof the school. I tried to emphasize the importance of allowing their children to learn to work out issueson their own even if it meant not getting the best grade in a class. I have a one page parable that Ishare about a young boy who is watching a butterfly try to emerge from its cocoon by beating its wingsagainst the cocoon. The boy wants to help the butterfly so he helps to open the cocoon and thebutterfly falls to the ground because his wings are not strong enough to fly. The struggle to free fromthe cocoon is what gives the butterfly the strength to fly. It is a short but powerful story that can helpparents understand their roles as “rescuers” can actually hinder their children’s ability to be successfuland happy in life. Reframing struggle as a gift helps parents to utilize their loving efforts in morepositive ways to assist their children in learning to help others and to feeling empowered to deal withtheir own struggles."

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My advice to parents would be to get your child involved. Not everyone can participate in sports, butschool’s today offer so many chances to get students involved. Parent encouragement should guidetheir child towards participation. Arranging “play dates” is not a bad idea either. Parents know otherparents and if a child is feeling left out, a phone call to someone who has a child that is that child’s ageis a good way to get them out and socializing. Teachers can help, too. If a parent knows that oneparticular period a day the student is isolated more than others, reaching out and alerting the teachermight do wonders towards that teacher finding a way to get the child successfully included.   

Advice for parents to avoid child being excluded:    Arrange social interactions with classmates  Talk to your child daily/keep the conversations going regardingclassmates                                                                                                                              Encourage participation inclubs/sports                                                                                                                         Help child discover theirinterests/passions                                                                                                              Assign household chores (so child feels valued)

                                                                                                                       Advice for parents of an excluded child:     

 Try to find out why the child isisolated                                                                                                                                Observe the child in different settings (Is he/she shy? Bossy?Aggressive?)                                                                                             Talk to your child’s teacher at the start of the school year if you notice that your child hasexperienced exclusion in the past. Discuss strategies the last teacher used that may be of help.                                        Help child identify strengths/talents                     

I think the “Danish Way of Parenting” brings up somereally interesting ideas about what parents could do athome that they may not already be doing. One of the bigones is to encourage children to play on their own. Ithink that play time is missing in our children’s lives. Iwould encourage parents to turn off technology, movies,videos and have their children go outside to play or go toa playroom in the house of some sorts where they canplay on their own or with other kids. I agree that playingwithout adults “controlling” their playtime is soimportant. As I look at my friend’s children and theirbehaviors and compare and contrast what is going on intheir homes, I find that my friends whose kids play ontheir own more are much more well rounded individuals. For example… My two best friends, both arestay at home moms, but one works from home and the other just focuses on the kids. The kids of my

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friend that works from home have had to learn to self-entertain and at times self-sooth since they werevery young. All three of her children are very mild mannered, easy going, not super needy, and seem tohave a lot of self-confidence. On the other hand, the kids of my friend that doesn’t work at all andspends all her time focused on her kids and does everything for them, they seem to be more needy,need a lot of entertainment, and have a hard time self soothing and they get stressed and frustratedvery easily. I use this comparison because in all other respects their homes and upbringings are verysimilar. All the children in both homes are loved and cared for and their parents take the time to teachthem morals, values, empathy, and compassion. Yet, there seems to be a big difference in theirchildren’s ability to manage themselves. I really like the part in the book that says, “Danish parents trust their children to do and try new thingsand give them space to build their own trust in themselves.” I truly believe that one of the reasons ourchildren are struggling so much these days is because we don’t respect the “zone of proximaldevelopment.” So, that is why I say, the first thing I would encourage parents to do is have theirchildren play without the “control” of an adult. Within the framework of play, children will have to learnempathy and compassion if they want their friends to continue to play with them.The second thing I would encourage parents about is using “process praise” instead of overcomplementing every little thing they do. It is so important for us to nurture a “growth mindset” in ourchildren. Whether at school or at home, kids need to know that it takes work to be smart, to besuccessful, and to be good at things. If we over praise them for little things, then we are not beingauthentic and they are learning that they don’t have to try that hard to be great! I would encourageparents to focus on praising children for their efforts rather than their raw talent or intelligence. Ifchildren don’t have an inflated view of self, it is much easier to teach them compassion and empathy.Basically, if I only had a few minutes to discuss with parents about raising a well-rounded child who iscapable of being compassionate and empathetic, I would sum it up by saying something like…. Yourchildren need you. They need you to be present when you are around them. They need you to be agood example of kindness and empathy. They need to know that you will be kind and empathetictowards them. When they know that they are safe with you then they will be able to extend kindnessand empathy towards others. On the other hand, as much as kids need you to be a good example forthem and for you to talk to them and explain things to them, they also need their own space. They needspace to learn and grow and make mistakes, always knowing that if they need you, you will be there forthem, no matter what mistakes they might make. Kids need to be kids. They need to play with otherkids without adults intervening. They need time to learn how to self-entertain and self-soothe withouttechnology. They need opportunities to try new things and to succeed and to fail. They need to haveother peer-to-peer relationships that will teach them how to read and understand how others arefeeling. As much as kids need us to be good role models and to be a loving support for them, they alsoneed space and freedom to develop the skills and morals we are teaching them on their own.  

Trust in Education925.299.2010www.TrustinEducation.org

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