AIRLINE BEAUTIES and Airline announcements

You can take your $10 disposable camera or $50,000 of expensive video equipment, wait and wait for the rest of your life, and chances are that you will

never get pictures like these.

United Flight AttendantUnited Flight Attendantannounced, 'People, peopleannounced, 'People, peoplewe're not picking out furniturewe're not picking out furniturehere, find a seat and get in it!here, find a seat and get in it!

As the plane landed and wasAs the plane landed and wascoming to a stop at Ronaldcoming to a stop at RonaldReagan, a lone voice came overReagan, a lone voice came overthe loudspeaker: 'Whoa, bigthe loudspeaker: 'Whoa, bigfella,  WHOA!'fella,  WHOA!'

'As you exit the plane, make'As you exit the plane, makesure to gather all of yoursure to gather all of yourbelongings.  Anything leftbelongings.  Anything leftbehind will be distributedbehind will be distributedevenly among the flightevenly among the flightattendants.  Please do notattendants.  Please do notleave children orleave children orspouses......except for thatspouses......except for thatgentleman over there.'gentleman over there.'

'Your seat cushions can be'Your seat cushions can beused for flotation; and, in theused for flotation; and, in theevent of an emergency waterevent of an emergency waterlanding, please paddle to shorelanding, please paddle to shoreand take them with ourand take them with ourcompliments.'compliments.'

Overheard on an AmericanOverheard on an AmericanAirlines flight intoAirlines flight intoAmarillo ,  Texas on aAmarillo ,  Texas on aparticularly windy and bumpyparticularly windy and bumpyday:  During the finalday:  During the finalapproach, the Captain wasapproach, the Captain wasreally having to fight it.  Afterreally having to fight it.  Afteran extremely hard landing, thean extremely hard landing, theFlight Attendant said, 'LadiesFlight Attendant said, 'Ladiesand Gentlemen, welcomeand Gentlemen, welcometo  Amarillo .  Please remain into  Amarillo .  Please remain inyour seats with your seat beltsyour seats with your seat beltsfastened while the Captainfastened while the Captaintaxis what's left of our airplanetaxis what's left of our airplaneto the gate!'to the gate!'

An airline pilot wrote that on thisAn airline pilot wrote that on thisparticular flight he had hammered his ship intoparticular flight he had hammered his ship intothe runway really hard.  The airline had athe runway really hard.  The airline had apolicy which required the first officer to standpolicy which required the first officer to standat the door while the passengers exited, smile,at the door while the passengers exited, smile,and give them a 'Thanks for flying ourand give them a 'Thanks for flying ourairline.'  He said that, in light of his badairline.'  He said that, in light of his badlanding, he had a hard time looking thelanding, he had a hard time looking thepassengers in the eye, thinking that someonepassengers in the eye, thinking that someonewould have a smart comment.  Finallywould have a smart comment.  Finallyeveryone had gotten off except for a little oldeveryone had gotten off except for a little oldlady walking with a cane.  lady walking with a cane.    She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you aShe said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you aquestion?'question?'  'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?''Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'  The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or wereThe little old lady said, 'Did we land, or werewe shot down?' we shot down?'

Another flight attendant'sAnother flight attendant's

comment on a less than perfectcomment on a less than perfect

landing:  'We ask you to pleaselanding:  'We ask you to please

remain seated as Captainremain seated as Captain

Kangaroo bounces us to theKangaroo bounces us to the

terminal.'terminal.'

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in  Salt Lake City . very hard landing in  Salt Lake City .  The flight attendant came on the  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'asphalt.'

After a real crusher of a landingAfter a real crusher of a landing

in  Phoenix , the attendant camein  Phoenix , the attendant came

on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen,on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen,

please remain in your seats untilplease remain in your seats until

Capt. Crash and the Crew haveCapt. Crash and the Crew have

brought the aircraft to abrought the aircraft to a

screeching halt against thescreeching halt against the

gate.  And, once the tire smokegate.  And, once the tire smoke

has cleared and the warning bellshas cleared and the warning bells

are silenced, we'll open the doorare silenced, we'll open the door

and you can pick your wayand you can pick your way

through the wreckage to thethrough the wreckage to the

terminal.'terminal.'

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

'There may be 50 ways to'There may be 50 ways toleave your lover, but there areleave your lover, but there areonly 4 ways out of thisonly 4 ways out of thisairplane'airplane'

A plane was taking offfrom  Kennedy  Airport .  After itreached a comfortable cruising altitude,the captain made an announcementover the intercom, 'Ladies andgentlemen, this is your captainspeaking.  Welcome to FlightNumber 293, nonstop from  NewYork to  Los Angeles .  The weatherahead is good and, therefore, we shouldhave a smooth and uneventful flight.  Nowsit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silencefollowed, and after a few minutes, theCaptain came back on the intercom andsaid, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking toyou, the flight attendant accidentally spilleda cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You shouldsee the front of my pants!‘

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That'snothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

On landing, the stewardessOn landing, the stewardesssaid, 'Please be sure to take allsaid, 'Please be sure to take allof your belongings. If you'reof your belongings. If you'regoing to leave anything, pleasegoing to leave anything, pleasemake sure it's something we'dmake sure it's something we'dlike to have. ‘like to have. ‘

After a particularly roughAfter a particularly roughlanding during thunderstormslanding during thunderstormsin Memphis, a flight attendantin Memphis, a flight attendanton a Northwest flighton a Northwest flightannounced, 'Please take careannounced, 'Please take carewhen opening the overheadwhen opening the overheadcompartments because sure ascompartments because sure ashell everything has shiftedhell everything has shiftedafter a landing like that.'after a landing like that.'