all rights reserved © 2018 - thepasstimepaper.com · • artists made works of art out of ak 47...
TRANSCRIPT
PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARI-
Vol. 16 Issue 50 All Rights Reserved © 2018
LINE ‘EM UP
An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,
flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good
after shave, presenting a well-looked-after im-
age, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits
along side of her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her
and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read
her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and
reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke
up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me
a long time ago.
"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made
you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she ob-
served, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
I LIKE FRUIT CAKES - THEY ARE THE ONE THING DURING THE HOLIDAYS I’M NOT TEMPTED TO EAT
THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT I EVER GOT WAS A SAVIOR
QUITE A TRICK
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was differ-
ent each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every
trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in
the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same
hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was,
after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately
sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood float-
ing in the middle of the sea, as fate
would have it, with the parrot. They
stared at each other with hatred, but
did not utter a word.
This went on for a 3 days ...Finally on the
4th day, the parrot could not hold back any
longer and said....."OK, I give up. What the
heck did you do with the ship?
THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS ARE THE SMELLS OF CHILDHOOD
WANT TO KEEP CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS? FEED THE HUNGRY, CLOTHE THE NAKED, FORGIVE THE GUILTY ,FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE...
MOZAMBIQUE
• Prior to 1898, it was the capital
of colonial Portuguese East Africa
• The official language is Portu-
guese
• The country is divided into two topographical regions by
the Zambezi River. One side goes to flat lands and the
other side of the river leads to high lands.
• Monte Binga is the highest mountain in at 8,000 feet.
• Artists made works of art out of AK 47 machine guns,
landmines and hand weapons
• Mozambique exports cashew, cotton, sugar, prawns and
aluminum
• Beautiful beaches, amazing marine wildlife and rich coral
reefs attract people from all over the world to visit the
1500 miles of coastline enjoyed in Mozambique
• The coast is particularly notable
for its large marine animals such
as whales, whale sharks, and
dolphins.
• During the 1980s civil war, its resi-
dent population of lions, hippos, rhinos,
and buffaloes was decimated
APPARENTLY THEY CANNOT HAVE A NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON, D.C. ...THEY COULDN'T FIND THREE WISE MEN AND A VIRGIN
CHRISTMAS ISN’T A SEASON...IT’S MORE OF A FEELING
ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE • There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pine-
apple.
• English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France.
• Sweetmeats are candies while sweet-
breads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
• If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but
one of them, what do you call it?
• We ship by truck and send cargo by ship
• Noses run and feet smell
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
• A house can burn up as it burns down
• Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
• And what of the human race, which, of
course, is not a race at all
Sometimes I think all English speakers
should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane
FUNNY HOW YOU NEVER WANT THE ONE YOU CAN AFFORD
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES ARE A GREAT WAY TO CATCH UP WITH PEOPLE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN FOR TWENTY MINUTES
LOVE WEIGHS MORE THAN GOLD
1. HISTORY: In which war was the Battle of Midway
fought?
2. GEOGRAPHY: Which country has the most natural
lakes?
3. ART: What famous sculpture in Washington, D.C., was
created by Daniel Chester French?
4. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What plant is also known
as the windflower?
5. LITERATURE: In which of Stephen King's novels does
the Overlook Hotel appear?
6. INVENTIONS: What item was invented in 1845 to
hold papers together?
7. HISTORY: What did the Lateran Treaty of 1929 estab-
lish?
8. BIBLE: What was the first of the plagues of Egypt
mentioned in the Book of Exodus?
9. U.S. PRESIDENTS: Who was the first U.S. president to
be impeached?
10. MOVIES: Which movie carries the tagline "The most
beautiful love story ever told"?
Answers
1. World War II
2. Canada
3. Abraham Lincoln statue at the
Lincoln Memorial
4. Anemone
5. "The Shining"
6. The rubber band
7. Vatican City as an independ-
ent state
8. Water turns to blood
9. Andrew Johnson
10. "Beauty and the Beast"
(c) 2018 King Features Synd.,
“WE ARE BETTER THROUGHOUT THE YEAR FOR HAVING, IN SPIRIT, BECOME A CHILD AGAIN AT CHRISTMASTIME” - LAURA INGALLS WILDER
BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS. THEY'LL CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME
CHRISTMAS DOESN’T COME FROM A STORE
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES ARE A GREAT WAY TO CATCH UP WITH PEOPLE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN FOR TWENTY MINUTES
LOVE THE GIVER MORE THAN THE GIFT
TROUBLE IS EASIER TO GET INTO THAN OUT OF
WE WOULD ALL LIKE TO HAVE VOTED FPOR THE BEST MAN...BUT HE WASN’T ON THE BALLOT
* On Dec. 10, 1915, the one-millionth Mod-
el T car rolls off the assembly line at
Ford's River Rouge plant in Detroit.
Ford would go on to sell more than
15 million Model Ts, and toward
the end of their run in 1927, had
cut the price to just $300 (about
$3,700 today).
* On Dec. 14, 1939, the League of Nations, the international
peacekeeping organization formed at the end of World War
I, expels the Soviet Union in response to its invasion of Fin-
land on Oct. 30.
* On Dec. 15, 1944, legendary
bandleader Glenn Miller's air-
craft disappears over the English
Channel while en route to
France. Miller had set aside his
music career at its peak in 1942
to serve his country as leader of
the USAAF dance band.
WE MAY WELL DOUBT THE SAFETY OF OUR OWN SOULS IF WE FEEL NO CONCERN ABOUT THE ETERNAL SOULS OF OTHERS
* On Dec. 12, 1963, a vinyl LP record, "John
Fitzgerald Kennedy: A Memorial Album,"
sets a record for album sales. Some 4 mil-
lion copies sold in the first six days of its
release. The album included record-
ings of some of the late president's
most memorable speeches.
* On Dec. 16, 1977, "Saturday Night
Fever," a movie that ignites the disco
dance craze across America -- along with the movie career
of its star, John Travolta -- opens in theaters. Travolta
earned a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his performance
as 19-year-old dancer Tony Manero.
* On Dec. 11, 1981, Jamaican boxer Trevor Berbick beats
former heavyweight champion Muhammad
Ali in a unanimous 10-round decision in
Nassau, the Bahamas. At the age of 39, Ali
(born Cassius Clay) was attempting his second
comeback from retirement.
* On Dec. 13, 2000, Vice President Al
Gore reluctantly concedes defeat to Texas
Gov. George W. Bush in his bid for the presi-
dency, following five weeks of complex legal
battles over the recounting of votes in Florida.
Gore narrowly lost the state.
(c) 2018 Hearst Communications, Inc. All Rights
Reserved
IF SANTA CLAUS HAD BEEN FROM THE BAHAMAS WOULD HIS SLEIGH HAVE BEEN PULLED BY FLYING DOLPHINS?
CHRIST’S BIRTH SHOULD BE CELEBRATED EVERY DAY
THE HOLIDAYS IS A GREAT TIME TO EXPERIENCE A TRAFFIC JAM IN A SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT
IF CHRISTMAS ISN’T YOUR HEART YOU’LL NEVER FIND IT UNDER A TREE
CHRISTMAS WAVES A MAGIC WAND OVER THIS WORLD
VA DOCTORS AREN'T DOCTORS Consider this: A Department of Veterans Affairs medical em-
ployee, whose salary is paid for by the taxpayers and who is
on the VA list of employees, doesn't actually work any hours
at the VA because that employee is union and spends all his
time doing union business.
Like that? No, I don't either.
It gets worse. During the last fiscal year for which this record
was kept (2016), those VA union employees pulled over a
million hours on union business, to the tune of $49 million in
salary, which we paid for. Officially, it's called "Taxpayer
Funded Union Time."
Who are these people? Dentists, nurses, physicians, chiro-
practors -- people from the whole list of medical professions -
- were pulled aside, away from doing actual medical work.
(And people wonder why we can't get a timely medical ap-
pointment and we're told they're understaffed.)
This collective bargaining agreement mess happened during
the previous presidential administration and involved four
different medical unions. Here's an example given in a
VA.gov press release: A VA nurse was elected as a union
official, getting 100 percent of her $90,000 salary paid for by
the taxpayers while doing zero medical work.
Now, fingers crossed, those employees will be coming back
to their real jobs when the VA stands up to some of those col-
lective bargaining agreements.
The VA will pull those union employees back under Title 38
of the U.S. Code for medical employees, and this will apply
to all of their 104,000 employees. No longer will taxpayers
fork out dollars to pay for those people to do union work.
I honestly don't get it. If I had gone to all the time and trouble
of getting a medical degree, I would be embarrassed to spend
my time not taking care of patients and instead work for a
union.
(c) 2018 King Features Synd., Inc.
EVEN IF YOU AREN’T ANY GOOD AT WRAPPING PRESENTS YOU CAN AT LEAST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT
CHRISTMAS IS NOT A DATE. IT IS A STATE OF MIND
ONCE I UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, IT'S OBSOLETE