all rights reserved © 2016 · interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- ......
TRANSCRIPT
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Vol. 14 Issue 46 All Rights Reserved © 2016
FAMOUS PEOPLE SAY It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both incisive and probing when
every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by dancing rabbits
singing about toilet paper. --
Rod Serling
I stopped believing in Santa
Claus when my mother
took me to see him in a
department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley
Temple
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Think-
ing, and then I thought: What good would that do?
--Ronnie Shakes
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of
your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
--H.L. Mencken
“I never did give them hell. I just told the
truth and they thought it was hell.”
Pres. Harry ‘Give ‘em Hell’ Truman
Somewhere on this globe, every ten sec-
onds, there is a woman giving birth to a
child. She must be found and stopped. --
Sam Levenson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is
whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
APPARENTLY, SOMEONE IN LONDON GETS STABBED EVERY 52 SECONDS...POOR GUY...
LIFE IS THE BEST SCHOOL AND GOD IS THE BEST TEACHER
WOULD YOU?
A mathematics professor put the following statement
as the last item on her mid term exam: “For 10 ex-
tra credit points on your test, stand up right now and
sing at least one verse or chorus of your favorite
song. (I know that Row, row, row your boat is
not your favorite song) This is a one time offer,
only good right now, before your turn your test in.
YUP, I’VE STILL GOT IT!
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip re-
placement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabe-
tes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black-
outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore.
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I’ve lost
all my friends...but at least I still have my driv-
er's license.
COMMON PROBLEM
Son: "Dad, will you help me find the least
common denominator in this math problem?"
Dad: "Don't tell me that still hasn't been found –
they’ve been looking for it since I was a kid."
A MAN MAY LAY DOWN THE LAW; BUT IT’S HIS WIFE THAT USUALLY MAKES ALL THE AMENDMENTS
YOU NEVER REALIZE HOW SHORT A MONTH IS UNTIL YOU PAY A BILL
GOD IS SELDOM EARLY; BUT NEVER LATE
I WENT TO A REALLY EMOTIONAL WEDDING THE OTHER DAY...EVEN THE CAKE WAS IN TIERS
MONEY IS A LOUSY WAY OF KEEPING SCORE.
HONESTY IS ONE POLICY THAT NEVER NEEDS TO BE CHANGED
WHY DO COWS WEAR BELLS? BECAUSE THEIR HORNS DON’T WORK
THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE TO BE BETTER
THE WRONG PEOPLE TEND TO GET INFERIORITY COMPLEXES
PARALLEL LINES HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, IT’S A SHAME THEYL’LL NEVER MEET
* On Nov. 23, 1859, the infamous Western out-
law known as "Billy the Kid" is born in a poor
Irish neighborhood on New York City's East
Side. Before he was shot dead at age 21, Billy
reputedly killed 27 people in the American
West.
* On Nov. 26, 1862, Oxford mathematician
Charles Lutwidge Dodgson sends a handwritten
manuscript called Alice's Adventures
Under Ground to 10-year-old Alice Liddell. Dodg-
son, better known as Lewis Carroll, later published
"Alice in Wonderland," one of the earliest children's
books written simply to amuse children, not to teach
them.
* On Nov. 24, 1944, more than 100 American B
-29 Superfortress bombers target the
Nakajima aircraft engine works in To-
kyo. Bad weather proved an insur-
mountable obstacle at 30,000 feet, and
fewer than 50 bombs hit the main
WOMEN ONLY CALL ME UGLY UNTIL THEY FIND OUT HOW MUCH MONEY I MAKE....THEN THEY CALL ME UGLY AND POOR
target.
* On Nov. 22, 1963, John F. Kennedy,
the 35th president of the United States, is
assassinated while traveling through Dal-
las in an Lincoln convertible. Lee Harvey
Oswald allegedly fired three shots from
the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository Build-
ing.
* On Nov. 27, 1978, San Francisco leaders George
Moscone and Harvey Milk are murdered by Dan White at
City Hall in San Francisco. White pleaded a "diminished
capacity" defense, claiming that copious amounts of junk
food caused him to suffer mental problems. Thus the
"Twinkie Defense" was born.
* On Nov. 21, 1980, some 350 million people worldwide
tune in to find out who shot J.R. in the
primetime drama "Dallas." Full of
schemes and moral excess, the long-
running series revolved around the tale
of two Texas oil families.
* On Nov. 25, 1999, The U.N. Gen-
eral Assembly passes a resolution
designating Nov. 25 the International
Day for the Elimination of Violence
Against Women. It marked the anniver-
sary of the brutal political murder of
three sisters in 1960 in the Dominican Republic.
GLORY IS FLEETING, BUT OBSCURITY IS FOREVER
WHAT’S GREEN, FUZZY AND IF IT FELL OUT OF A TREE IT WOULD KILL YOU? A POOL TABLE!
PROFESSIONALS ALWAYS PRACTICE MORE THAN THEY PLAY
Answers
1. Margaret Thatcher
2. Denver
3. Pain
4. Methuselah
5. Subway
6. Jazz
7. Sugar Kane Kowalczyk
8. "The Turn of the Screw"
9. KLM
10. The Fifth
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.
1. HISTORY: Who was the first woman to be prime minister
of the United Kingdom?
2. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What U.S. city's nickname is
The Mile-High City?
3. MEDICAL: What does the Greek suffix "-algia" refer to in
medical terms?
4. BIBLE: Noah was the grandson of what biblical character?
5. ADVERTISEMENTS: Which fast-food restaurant chain
urges patrons to "eat fresh"?
6. MUSIC: Bebop is a style of what kind of music?
7. MOVIES: What was the name of the character played by
Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like it Hot"?
8. LITERATURE: What famous ghost story was penned by
Henry James?
9. TRANSPORTATION: What is the world's oldest airline
still operating under its original name?
10. LEGAL: Witnesses who would prefer not to incriminate
themselves might refuse to answer by citing which amend-
ment to the U.S. Constitution?
PRAYER WILL SHOW YOU THE ROAD TO HEAVEN; FAITH WILL OPEN THE DOOR
SOMEONE STOLE MY MICROSOFT OFFICE AND THEY’RE GONNA PAY..YOU HAVE MY WORD!
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING CAN BE WONDERFUL - MAE WEST
PEACE IS TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF TROUBLE AND STILL BE CALM IN YOUR HEART
PUBLIC OPINION IS STRONGER THAN THE LEGISLATURE
HEAVENLY RATES A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the
pearly gates and says, "Here's how it works. You
need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell
me all the good things you've done, and
I give you a certain number of points
for each item, depending on how good
it was. When you reach 100 points, you
get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for
50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life
and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in
my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he
says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At
this rate the only way I get into
heaven is by the grace of God!"
“Now you got it,” said St. Peter,
"Come on in!"
WE NEVER TRULY FORGIVE THOSE WHO MAKE US BLUSH
THREE CORRECT GUESSES IN A ROW AND NOW I QUALIFY TO BE AN EXPERT???
FAITH IS THE STRENGTH BY WHICH A SHATTERED WORLD EMERGES INTO THE LIGHT
IF A MAN DOES HIS BEST, WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
WHEN YOU’RE DOWN TO NOTHING, GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING
NOSTALGIA IS A SEDUCTIVE LIAR
WHEN MY WIFE ACCUSED ME OF BEING IMMATURE, I TOLD HER TO GET OUT OF MY FORT
Bicycles Banned at Arlington
---
Bicycles will no longer be allowed in Arlington National
Cemetery, unless being ridden by people with family passes
who are there to visit a loved one's grave. Commuters, week-
end exercisers and cycling clubs are no longer welcome. To
which I give a big thumbs-up. Arlington National Cemetery
holds upward of 30 funerals a day. Some of these involve
long streams of cars of attendees and escorts; some involve
the military band or horses pulling a caisson. The last thing
funeral-goers need is to have to navigate around cyclists, or
have them whiz by during a funeral service. Of course, cy-
clists were upset when the news came out, and they started a
petition, claiming they don't disrupt anything. The cemetery's
response to that was, "Previous trial periods with bicyclists in
the cemetery showed bicyclists did not typically stop for these
processions." Enough said. Some state veterans' cemeteries
seem to ban bicycles as well, such as the Connecticut State
Veterans' Cemetery.
Others aren't as vigilant, with one state suffering from horse-
back riding, picnics, fireworks and hunting at their veterans'
cemetery. Another had to ban bicycles after multiple bike
crashes disrupted funerals.
Some places aren't so fussy. There apparently is an annual
ride at the Chattanooga National Cemetery in Tennessee. The
Willamette National Cemetery in Oregon allows bicycles and
is on a list of places to ride, complete with helpful GPS print-
able maps.
Having buried a grandfather, father, mother, two uncles, a
spouse and multiple friends in national cemeteries, I can say
this: If you're a cyclist who lives where a national cemetery
allows bicycles and you spot an ongoing procession or funeral
service, stop. A cemetery isn't just a convenient shortcut for
you. It's the end of the line for our loved ones.
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.