ambiguous loss-supporting families with missing loved ones nov. 3, 2014
DESCRIPTION
Presentation on Ambiguous Loss and how to support the families left behind, including my real life experience with a missing adult son, Daniel. Presented to: volunteers of Victim Services Waterloo Region, Ontario Canada. Presented by: Maureen Trask, in Kitchener ON, Canada, Nov. 3, 2014 Copyright information noted in the slides includes: - Dr. Pauline Boss, Ambiguous Loss www.ambiguousloss.com - Australian Federal Police (AFP), National Missing Persons Coordination Centre www.missingpersons.gov.au - Missing People, UK www.missingpeople.org.ukTRANSCRIPT
Ambiguous Loss
Supporting families with
missing loved ones
Presented by:
Maureen Trask
For:
Victim Services Waterloo Region
Volunteers, Mon. Nov. 3, 2014
1
Introductions
Why am I here?
My story and real life experience
(journey) of Ambiguous Loss
2
3Missing since Nov. 3, 2011
Daniel Trask
Learning Objectives
Understand ambiguous loss
How to support families left behind
Reflecting on my experience
Q&A
4
So what is Ambiguous Loss?
5
A loss that occurs without closure or understanding
Leaves a person searching for answers
thus complicates and delays the process of grieving
Often results in unresolved grief, frozen, living in limbo.
Let’s hear from
Dr. Pauline Boss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0
Dr. Pauline Boss and Dr. Gloria Horsley
discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual
ADEC (Association of Death Education
and Counseling) conference, 2011.
Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Gloria Horsley, Open to Hope Foundation, founder and president 6
1. How does it differ from
ordinary loss?
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There is no verification of death.
No certainty that the person will come back or
return to the way they used to be.
2. Why does it matter?
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Ambiguous loss:
Freezes the grief process
Paralyzes couple and family functioning
Prevents closure
Families can name it.
Families need support.
3. How does one ease its
effects?
9
Guidelines for resiliency while having to live
with ambiguous loss: (Boss, 1999)
1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)
2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)
3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)
4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)
5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)
6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)
4. What are the types of
Ambiguous Loss?
Physically Absent-
Psychologically Present
Psychologically Absent-
Physically Present
Adoption
Migration
Missing people
Miscarriage and stillborn loss
Natural disaster and
catastrophic tragedy
Addictions
Dementia and Alzheimer’s
Mental health issues
Separation/Divorce
Traumatic brain injury or coma
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Manage the contradictions
Take two opposing ideas, make into one
I am both sad - and still happy
I am both alone - and still connected
I am both powerless - and still empowered
I am both frozen - and still transforming
I am both doubtful - and still hopeful
I am both burdened - and still grateful
Daniel is both gone - and still here
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Effects of Ambiguous Loss
Emotional rollercoaster
Changes families, relationships, roles and identity
Can change spiritual beliefs
Tend to withdraw/isolate self
Goal:
Learn to live with the emotional tidal waves. Learn to live with and adapt to the changes that come with the loss AND learn to live with the ambiguity by developing meaning. (Boss, 1999)
12Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press
Ambiguous Loss Recap
Traumatic Loss (Boss, 2009)
Externally Caused (Boss, 2009)
Unclear Loss (Boss, 1999)
Senseless Loss (Boss, 2009)
Lacks Closure
Frozen Grief/being Stuck in Limbo (Boss, 1999)
An Individual Journey
Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145. doi:
10.1007/s11089-009-0264-0
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press
13
AFP Supporting those who
are left behind
14© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland
* Framework – Working
with those left behind
5 themes for working specifically with families
of missing persons:
1. Reanimation: move past “frozen”
2. A celebration so far: respond to loss
3. The trauma timeline: explore the impact
4. A protected place: safe place of pain
5. Opportunities for growth: living with loss
© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland 14
Framework
1. Reanimation
Move past “frozen”
Help families with their
sense of being frozen
to the time of their loved
one's disappearance
Assist families to move
from their sense of
feeling ‘stuck‘.
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Framework
2. A celebration so far
Respond to the loss
Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship
with the missing person
Facilitate families to find
an opportunity to respond
to the current loss of their
loved one.
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Framework
3. The Trauma Timeline
Explore the impact
of the disappearance
as well as the
accumulated traumas
families may have
faced prior to their
loved one going
missing.
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The Trauma Timeline
19© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland
Framework
4. A protected place
Safe place of pain
Co-construct a space where families can
acknowledge the
pain of not knowing
while still finding
ways to live life.
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Framework
5. Opportunities for growth
Living with ambiguous loss
Explore ways in which families can live
with their loss,
rather than being
consumed by it.
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Services (Support)
Support looks different to everyone
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* Someone to really listen
* Being present
* Just being there
were by far the most popular
ways to support someone.
As a facilitator…
Educate that grief is not a linear process
Encourage to share story, call loved one by name and educate on importance of this
Help build strategies to cope with tidal waves of emotion
Help cope with the tough questions: the ‘why’, ‘what if’ and ‘should of
Help to recognize and build resilience
Help externalize the loss to release blame and guilt
Help find meaning in their experience of loss
“Help embrace the paradox & move forward with the ‘good enough’” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
Listen more and do less
Empower to see loss in a new way
Hold multiple truths about the missing person
Normalize the experience, feelings, and thoughts
Work collaboratively with the client(s) with a lowered hierarchy-
Help build “… a new narrative that is less burdened with negative attributions, which invoke guilt, shame, remorse, or desire for retribution” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
Use tasks as guidelines
Boss, P., & Carnes, D. (2012). The myth of closure. Family Processes, x(x), doi: 10.1111/famp.1200521
What not to say …
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Living and Learning on my
Ambiguous Loss journey
“Loss of a missing loved one is often a
lonely and an untrodden path for each of
us who has to walk it.” *
Can I learn to live with
this loss?
How do I get closure?
How do I get support? 25* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013
Humour - Balance
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Challenges with Police
Not being taken serious by police in the
first instance
Making sense of the entire situation
Not blaming self for the disappearance
Not being kept up to date, short or long
term as case progresses
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What Can You Do?
Be point of referral for families
Offer peace of mind for Police that the
needs of families are being addressed
Keep lines of communication open between
Police and families
Don’t try to conduct investigation on behalf
of Police
Listen - Empathize - Communicate - Be Present
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Q & A
Any questions?
Any moments or thoughts?
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Resources
Dr. Pauline Boss www.ambiguousloss.com
Australian Federal Police (AFP)
National Counselling Framework www.missingpersons.gov.au/education--training/working-
with-families/supporting-those-who-are-left-behind.aspx
Full version AFP Support Workbook www.missingpersons.gov.au/~/media/MP/Files/PDFs/Supporting%20
those%20who%20are%20left%20behind.ashx
www.afp.gov.au/~/media/afp/pdf/2/24-25-new-national-counselling-framework.ashx
Presentation and Reference Materials
Networking with Police and Agencies30
Thank You !
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Maureen Trask: [email protected]
Support for Us – Families with
Missing Loved Ones (FB page)