1 your totem goes here. tools of the trade tools of the trade 2 managing conflict

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Your totem goes here

Tools of the TradeTools of the Trade

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Managing Managing ConflictConflict

Learning ObjectivesLearning Objectives

• Better understand conflict from a leadership point of view.

• Acquire new tools for successfully managing conflict situations.

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Norman Rockwell

TheThe

ScoutmasterScoutmaster

A picture of . . . what?

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• A perfect night, a perfect camp site, perfect Scouts

• A Scoutmaster in contemplation of perfection, serene and satisfied

• A Scoutmaster who appears utterly competent and in control

- OR -

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. . . are these the only moments of peace and

quiet the poor man has all day – when everyone else

is unconscious?

Where was Where was Norman Rockwell . . .Norman Rockwell . . .

• When the Boy Scouts were poking the bear with a stick?

• When Cub Scout parents were screaming about the outcome of the Pinewood Derby?

• When the Varsity team was arguing over officiating of the basketball game?

• When the Venture Crew could not agree on anything about their weekend adventure?

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Leadership . . .Leadership . . .• Is easy when everything is going well

(or when everyone else is unconscious)

• Usually involves managing conflict by finding common ground among people

• Is providing tools for people to settle their own disputes

• On rare occasions, involves making unilateral decisions

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ExerciseExercise• Get with a partner.

• One of you make a fist (yes, you have to decide who [first lesson]).

• The other has 2 minutes to convince the one to open that fist.

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Exercise ResultsExercise Results• Get with a partner.

• One of you make a fist (yes, you have to decide who [first lesson]).

• The other has 2 minutes to convince the one to open that fist.

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What happened? Was anyone successful?

If so, how?

What Were Strategies?What Were Strategies?• Bribery? (I’ll give you money.)

• Concern? (It’s better for you.)

• Persuasion? (If we both have open hands, we’re on common ground.)

• Interest? (What’re you hiding in there?)

• Straightforward? (Please just open your fist.)

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In a law-abiding, nonthreatening world, we can’t make anyone do anything they don not

want to do.

Basic ConflictBasic Conflict• How do you convince a 5- or 6-year-old to

put away toys and take a bath? Give me suggestions.

• What if that doesn’t work? What if the child digs in and refuses. Do we have to resort to a “power over” scenario (time out; take away a toy)?

• Think about employer and employee, or about Scout Leader and Scout.

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In managing conflict , . .In managing conflict , . .

• be aware of yourself

• be aware of others

• set the scene for cooperative resolutions

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Be Aware of YourselfBe Aware of Yourself• Why is the issue, as it exists, important to

you?

• Does it really matter whether the other person ever opens the fist?

• Does the child really need a bath now?

• Do the Scouts really need to eat dinner now, or just some time (self-resolving conflict)?

• Is the conflict a real issue, or a you issue?

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Be Aware of OthersBe Aware of Others• When are people most likely to do what you want, if

it is something they don’t want to do?

– they trust you

– experience says you are a reliable leader and ally

– they understand you make decisions for the good of the group

• Remember “Listening to Learn.” LISTENING is the most important component of conflict resolution. Without it, you miss vital facts, beliefs, and assumptions.

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Set the Scene forSet the Scene forCooperative ResolutionsCooperative Resolutions

• Listening attentively is essential to establish a cooperative relationship.

• Think about the “Who, Me?” game and shared experiences – you were establishing common ground, trust, familiarity, understanding – connections.

• Become involved – establish connections that can be used to resolve conflict.

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The Most Important The Most Important QuestionQuestion

• Whenever you work with others, the most important question to ask them is:

“What do you want?”– When was the last time someone asked you?

– When was the last time someone really listened to your answer?

• Now turn the questions around! When was the last time you asked . . . ?

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Critical QuestionsCritical Questionsfor Conflict Resolutionfor Conflict Resolution

1. What do you want?

2. What are you doing to get it?

3. Is it working?

4. Do you want to figure out another way?

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Why?Why?

• Number 1 focuses attention on real needs.

• Numbers 2 and 3 make people responsible to discover their own solution (DON’T SKIP

THESE STEPS!).

• Number 4 allows them to invite your help.

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Too often, we ask 1, then skip 2 and 3, and go to a variation of 4 where we offer our

solution.

Remember . . .Remember . . .

• you can’t control the other person, BUT

• you can persuade

• you can offer to join forces in mutual search for a solution

• you can encourage the other person to help be an active seeker for meaningful answers

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Effective CommunicationEffective Communicationin Conflict Situationsin Conflict Situations

• There is more than just words, remember(eg, body language, tone of voice).

– Ask “the most important question” with different emphases.

• Manage emotions, breathe slowly, step back, focus on situation for what it is, not what someone else wants to make it.

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Effective CommunicationEffective Communicationin Conflict Situationsin Conflict Situations

• Work in the present and future, let the past go.

• Focus on solutions, rather than recriminations, (Fix the problem, not the blame!).

• Any time you feel that you are not making progress, return to the four basic questions:

What do you want? What are you doing to get it? Is it working? Do you want to figure out another way?

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Negotiating Limits Negotiating Limits and Rulesand Rules

• Actually, tell me about how you are not; for example:

– speed limits

– getting to meetings on time

• So, are you really 100% “law abiding”; why or why not?

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Are you “law abiding?”

Negotiating Limits Negotiating Limits and Rulesand Rules

• Scenario #1: I have a curfew. If I’m a “little late,” it’s OK. If I’m more than a “little late,” it’s not OK. What are the lessons?– Be clear about boundaries and stick to them.

– Can both sides be involved in establishing boundaries?

– What do you want? What does the other side want? Is there common ground? What’s negotiable?

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Negotiating Limits Negotiating Limits and Rulesand Rules

• Scenario #2: Older boys hike ahead of younger and out of sight, rest, then move out again as soon as younger boys catch up – plus, it’s in bear country. What’s the problem?– safety issue– morale and team building– appropriate leadership over all participants

Who wants what? Common ground? What’s negotiable?

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Negotiating Limits Negotiating Limits and Rulesand Rules

• Cooperative Approach – engage everyone on an equal basis to find a solution – ask the “four important questions.”

• Proscriptive Approach– This is what I want.

– This is what I understand you are doing.

– This is why it isn’t working for me.

– Here’s what I need you to do.

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Negotiating Limits Negotiating Limits and Rulesand Rules

• Proscriptive approach causes immediate change in behavior, but allows explanation and basis for decision, interaction on a healthy level, and opportunity to evolve into a cooperative arrangement.

• Works best when leaders have listened and learned, been willing to communicate, cared and connected.

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Negotiating Limits Negotiating Limits and Rulesand Rules

Be open about your understanding of mutual responsibilities and expectations; for instance:

My job is Your job is

•to do all I can to ensure your safety•to help you get the most out of this experience•to be honest with you and treat you with respect

•to tell me when you don’t feel safe•to help me ensure your safety•to be honest with me and treat me with respect

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Ideas to Share Ideas to Share More OftenMore Often

• If I’m doing something that bothers you, I’d like you to tell me in a respectful way.

• How will it be if we really get along? What will that be like?

• If I see you’re having a problem, what do you want me to do?

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Back to The First Back to The First ExerciseExercise

• The right words will open the fist, but it takes awareness and understanding.

• Participants: make fists, then open them and shake hands – the ultimate goal of conflict resolution – find solutions that bring us closer together, rather than push us farther apart.

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So, do you have…So, do you have…• a better understanding of conflict from a

leadership point of view? (YOU BET!)

• acquired new tools for successfully managing conflict situations? (YOU BET!)

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Learning ObjectivesLearning Objectives

Is It Worth the Effort?Is It Worth the Effort?

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YOU BET!

Thank You!Thank You!

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