attraction & close relationship

PS28A

Interpersonal Attraction

&

Close Relationship

Communication & Relational Dynamics

For communication to have meaning it must have a life. It

must transcend “you” and “me” and become “us” … In a small way, we then grow out of our

old selves and become something new

(Hugh Prather)

Introduction

• Why do we find it important and sometimes even compelling to form relationships?

• Why are we attracted to some people more than others?

Definition - Attraction

• Interpersonal Attraction is defined as the evaluation one person makes of another along a dimension that ranges from strong liking to strong dislike

(Baron & Byrne, 2000)

Definition - Attraction

Attraction depends on :

• The person who is doing the evaluation;

• The similarities and differences between the evaluator and the person evaluated;

• The situational context in which they are interacting

Reasons for Building Close Relationships

• The need for affiliation – a desire to establish and maintain relationships with others (Wong & Csikzentimihalyi, 1991)

• Affiliation provides:– Emotional support– Attention– Opportunity

Reasons for Building Close Relationships

• The need for intimacy - a desire for close and affectionate relationships in which personal information is disclosed and sharing occurs (McAdams, 1982)

• Intimacy with friends and lovers involves sharing and disclosing personal information

Emotions that block us from forming relationships

Loneliness • It is a subjective experience and not

dependent on the number of people we have surrounding us;

• Our feelings of loneliness are strongly influenced by how we evaluate our personal relationship (Peplau & Perlman, 1982).

Emotions that block us from forming relationships

Social Anxiety• Is a feeling of discomfort that arises from a

person’s expectations of negative encounters with others (Leary, 1983). Tendencies include:– sensitivity and fearfulness of disapproval and criticism

– Foresee negative outcomes to anticipated social interactions which arouses anxiety

– Fear of being evaluated by otehrs

Attachment and Close Relationships

• The patterns we have in our relationships largely grow from habits learnt from our earliest relationships. Patterns of attachment styles evolve into working models

 • Working Model - mental representation of what

an individual expects to happen in a close relationship (Shaver, Hazan & Bradshaw, 1988).

Theories on Attraction

• Reward theory

• The degree of attraction we feel toward another person varies according to the frequency with which that person rewards us (Theodore Newcomb, 1961)

Theories on Attraction

How are we rewarded?

• Simply being near people we like is rewarding (physical proximity)

• When others agree with our ideas (similarity)

• When others fulfill our needs (Complementarity)

Theories on Attraction

Reinforcement-affect theory

• This theory builds on the basic principles of learning (classical conditioning) – We associate positive affect with people and

events that are rewarding to us – We associate negative affect with those that are

distasteful to us

Factors That Influence Attraction

Physical Proximity

• Propinquity, physical proximity or physical immediacy is an important determinant of attraction, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It facilitates:– Familiarity: constant exposure to the person– Opportunity for interaction: increase chance for

attraction

Factors That Influence Attraction

Similarity

• Similarity in attitudes, beliefs, interests, personality and even physical appearance strongly influences the likelihood of interpersonal attraction, not in number of similar attitudes but the proportion and importance of similar attitudes.

Factors That Influence Attraction

Complementarity

• When each partner’s characteristics satisfy the other’s needs (opposites attract). Example, partners agree that one will exercise control over certain areas (money) and the other will take the lead in different ones (house décor)

Factors That Influence Attraction

Competence

• We like to be around those who are skilled, talented, or intelligent, probably because we hope display their level of talent, have their skill.

Factors That Influence AttractionPhysical Attractiveness • Research shows that we find physical attractive

people more appealing than unattractive people, at least on initial contact (Eagly, et al 1991).

• Dimensions of Physical Attractiveness– Facial expression: facially attractive people are seen

(perceived as warm, honest)

– Physique: we hold notions of which bodily attributes are attractive

Factors That Influence Attraction

Reciprocal Attraction• We are attracted to people who we believe

are attracted to us• Conversely, there are people who you don’t

like who likes you (and vice versa). • Reciprocal liking builds attractiveness and

people who approve of us bolster our feelings of self esteem.

Factors That Influence Attraction

Disclosure

• Revealing important information about yourself gives another the opportunity to how similar you are, which can build liking.

• Not all disclosure leads to liking. If sharing is poorly timed, results can be negative.

Evaluating Relationships

Social Exchange theory

• It is described as an economic model of relationships as it looks at the rewards vs costs that you have in a relationship.

Evaluating Relationships

Social Exchange Theory (con’t)

• How people feel about the relationship depends on their perceptions of– The rewards and cost of the relationship,– The kind of relationship they deserve, and– Their chances of having a better relationship

with someone else.

Intimacy

Largely when we use the word intimacy or intimate we refer specifically to a close sexual relationship.

The concept of intimacy, however, is much broader. It varies in meaning from one relationship to another

Intimacy

Intimacy may include:

• Disclosing secrets/sharing feelings (JoHari Window)

• Spending time together

• Having sexual intercourse

Dimensions of Intimacy

Intimacy has several dimensions including:

• Physical

• Intellectual

• Emotional

Dimensions of Intimacy

• Physical

One example is the relationship between a fetus and its mother. At this stage the unborn child develops a closeness with its mothers and at birth it continues – breast feeding, bathing, constantly held and hugged.

Other examples?

Dimensions of Intimacy

• Intellectual Intimacy

This takes place when one person engages another in an exchange of important ideas. From the discussion, which can be powerful and exciting, a type of bonding takes place.

Dimensions of Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy

Involves the sharing of important feelings.

Is it possible to experience emotional intimacy from our “chat room” encounters?

Dimensions of Intimacy

• Shared Activities

When partners spend time together, they can develop unique ways of relating that transform the relationship from an impersonal one to a personal one.

Factors Influencing Intimacy

• Emotional Expression vs. Doing

Previously it was held that women are better at developing and maintaining intimate relationships than men. Do you agree?

(J.T. Wood & C.C. Inman, 1995, “In a Different Mode: Masculine Styles of Communicating Closeness”)

Factors Influencing Intimacy

• Timing and Meaning of SexDiffering ideas along this factor can lead to misunderstanding as it is shown that:

• Women think of sex as a way to express intimacy that has already developed

• Men are more likely to see it as a way to create that intimacy

Models of Relational Development and Maintenance

Dialectical Perspectives• Some theorists argue that

communicators seek important but incompatible goals throughout virtually all their relationships. The struggle to achieve these goals creates dialectical tensions: conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist.

Dialectical Tensions

1. Connection vs. Autonomy

• We seek out involvement with others but at the same time we do not want to sacrifice our entire identity to even the most satisfying relationship.

Dialectical Tensions

2. Predictability vs. Novelty

• Stability is an important need in relationship but too much can lead to feelings of staleness. The predictability-novelty dialectic reflects the tension of knowing your spouse so well that it can lead to boredom.

Dialectical Tensions

3. Openness vs. Privacy

• Intimacy is one characteristic of interpersonal relationship. Yet, along with the drive for intimacy, we have an equal need to maintain some space between ourselves and others. These conflicting needs create the openness-privacy dialectic.

Dialectical Tensions – Strategies to Manage Them

1. Denial

• In this strategy, communicators respond to one end of the dialectical spectrum and ignore the other.

Dialectical Tensions

2. Disorientation

• Communicators feel so overwhelm and helpless that they are unable to confront their problems. In the face of a dialectical problem, they may freeze, fight or leave the relationship.

Dialectical Tensions

3. Alternation

• This strategy is used when individuals choose one end of the dialectical spectrum at some times and the other at other times.

Dialectical Tensions

4. Balance

• Individuals who use balance strategy recognize that both forces are legitimate and try to manage them through compromise – which is inherently a situation where everybody loses at least a little of what he or she wants.

Dialectical Tensions

5. Recalibration

• Communicators respond to dialectic challenges by reframing them so that the apparent contradiction disappears. E.g. change in thinking can transform your attitude from loving someone in spite of your differences to loving that person because of these differences.

Dialectical Tensions

5. Reaffirmation

• This strategy acknowledges that the dialectical tensions will never disappear. Instead of trying to let them disappear, reaffirmation communicators accept – or even embrace – the challenges that the tensions present.

Kahlil Bilbran, The Prophet

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your soul.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not of the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Self Disclosure in Relationships

Degrees of Self Disclosure• Depending on the breadth and depth of

information shared, a relationship can be defined as casual or intimate.– Breadth of information given – the range of

subjects covered– Depth of information given – the shift from

relatively non-revealing messages to more personal ones

Reasons for Self-Disclosure

Self clarification

• Sometimes you clarify your beliefs, opinions, thoughts, feelings and attitudes by talking about them with another

Reasons for Self-Disclosure

Catharsis

• You self disclose “to get it off your chest”. In a moment of candor you might reveal your regrets for behaving so badly in the past

Reasons for Self-Disclosure

Relationship Maintenance

• Research shows a strong relationship between the quality of self disclosure and marital satisfaction (Fincham & Bradbury, 1989)

Reasons for Self-Disclosure

Reciprocity

• You may choose to disclose information about yourself to encourage another person to do so – but do this responsibly as the other may not follow suit.

Guidelines for Self Disclosure

Is the other person important to you

• Is the person someone you have an ongoing relationship with so sharing will deepen this relationship; or is it someone you relate to on a less personal level but you see a chance for it to grow closer – disclosing may be the path to develop that personal relationship

Guidelines for Self Disclosure

Is the risk of disclosing reasonable

• Even if the probable results are great, opening yourself to almost certain rejection may be asking for trouble.

• On the other hand, knowing your partner is trustworthy and supportive makes the prospect of speaking out more reasonable.

Guidelines for Self Disclosure

Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at hand

• The kind of disclosure that is often a characteristic of highly personal relationships usually isn’t appropriate in less personal settings.

Guidelines for Self Disclosure

Are the amount and type of disclosure appropriate

• Gradual disclosure makes better relationship.

• Sharing too much too soon can lead to negative outcomes

Alternatives to Self Disclosure

• Lying – reasons include to save face; avoid tension or quarrel (white lie)

• Equivocating – language with two or more meanings

• Hinting – more direct than equivocal statements; seeks to get a desired response without embarrassing the receiver