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Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 1
MAGAZINE
C H I L D R E N T W E E N S T E E N S
Parenting Daredevils
Becoming better parents
Issu
e 11
A welcome return to
adventurous behaviours!
helps kids succeed TRUE GRIT
NetiquetteSocial
Asking for help – a much
overlooked parenting technique
2 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
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Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 3
PUBLISHER: Parenting Ideas
EDITOR: Michael Grose & Sue McAdam
DESIGN: Sheryn Bewert
www.engineroom.com.au
PHONE: +61 3 5983 1798
EMAIL: office@parentingideas.com.au
ADDRESS: PO Box 167 Balnarring
Victoria 3926 AUSTRALIA
WEB: parentingideas.com.au
parentingideasclub.com.au
Facebook: facebook.com/parentingideas.com.au
editors’ noteThis magazine maybe new, but Parentingideas
already has a strong track record of supporting
and educating parents. In fact, it’s over two
decades since we conducted our first parenting
course and contributed our first column to a
major daily newspaper.
We’ve always believed that if we are to have
better kids we need to have better parents.
And, of course, better parents are informed
parents. Parenting education is for all.
Parentingideas helps parents stay up to date
through our presentations, seminars, blogs
and Parentingideas TV. This magazine is the
natural extension of our educational work.
Most of our hand-picked team of writers
are parenting educators or professionals
who work with children and their parents.
Their work is knowledgeable, heartfelt and
supportive of kids and parents. These experts
also feature on our website so head over to
Parentingideasclub.com.au for more of their
professional insights.
Enjoy this issue of Parentingideas magazine!
Michael and Sue
insidetrue grit helps kids succeed 4
parenting daredevils 6
why praise can be a
double-edged sword 8
a welcome return to
adventurous behaviours 10
a sporting chance 12
social netiquette 14
self-regulation is vital
to your child’s success 16
letter by letter 18
asking for help
– a much overlooked
parenting technique 20
helping kids leapfrog
their difficulties with
these 5 tips 22
contact us
Michael and Sue
parentingideas.com.au
MAGAZINE
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4 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
helps kids succeed TRUE GRIT
Developingcharacterstrengthsisjustasimportanttoyourchild’sfuturesuccess
asbuildingacademicskills.
WORDS Michael Grose
‘Talent or persistence. Which would you choose for your child?’
I often ask this question at my parenting seminars and the responses are fascinating. Parents naturally want both. Sorry, but that’s not an option.
When pushed most parents choose talent over persistence, which in many ways reflects the current thinking around achievement. However, intelligence, sporting prowess and ability in whatever it is we value will only get a child or young person so far. Talent is purely potential. They need more than this to achieve sustained excellence in anything they do. It is the character traits of hard work and the ability to stick at a task and see it through that make all the difference.
Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Outliers, describes twenty-something American student Renee, who took 22 minutes to work out a complicated math question. The average student gives up after THREE minutes, preferring to ask for help than work through the problem. Renee was unusual in persisting for so long until she got the solution. The funny thing is, she doesn’t describe herself as a good math student, yet she is highly successful at maths. Grit rather than pure math talent are her forte.
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 5
helps kids succeed
CHARACTER MATTERSCognitive (thinking and reasoning) skills
by themselves aren’t enough for children
to succeed over the long journey. Many
recent studies (most notably the work
of US-based Angela Duckworth) have
found that character, not cognitive ability,
is the single most reliable determinant
of how a person’s life will turn out. The
traits associated with success include
the inclination to persist at a boring task
(grit), the ability to delay gratification
(self-control) and the tendency to follow
through with a plan (conscientiousness).
These are invaluable traits at school, in the
workplace and in life in general.
Character works as an indicator of
success when it’s seen as set of strengths
and personality traits rather than personal
values such as loyalty, tolerance or
forgiveness.
CHARACTER IS FORGED UNDER DIFFICULTYThe key character traits of grit, self-control
and conscientiousness are forged under
hardship and duress. This makes our
current propensity to over protect and
over indulge kids problematic. When kids
continually experience easy success we
set them up for failure because when they
finally face up to difficult situations many
lack the capacity to push through the
tough times.
Encouraging kids to step out of their
comfort zones and take learning and
social risks is one of the great challenges
for modern parents. It’s critical that we
challenge children and young people to
attempt activities where failure is a real
option. Overcoming setbacks and pushing
through difficulties is how character is
formed.
CHARACTER IS MALLEABLEThe good news is that character, like
intelligence, is malleable. It’s not fixed. It’s
important to establish in your own mind
as a parent, and also in your children’s
minds, that character traits such as grit,
self-control and conscientiousness can be
developed.
To this end it’s important that parents
steer clear of using absolute language to
label behaviour and express views that
traits and abilities are fixed.
Comments such as ‘You’re no good at
math’ become a rule that young people
learn to live by, and become default
thinking that’s hard to budge.
MAKE GRIT PART OF A FAMILY’S BRAND In my book Thriving! I wrote about how every family has it’s own distinctive brand, which is a reflection of the strengths and traits that all members share. For instance, if high work ethic is a common trait then it’s a fair bet that hard work is something parents focus on in their family.
Parents can actively promote grit and persistence in kids by making character part of their family’s brand. They can focus on character in conversations. They can share experiences where character paid off for them in their lives. They can discuss how character contributes to excellence and success in everyday life including at work, at school and in the sporting field. Character and its many components can become part the family narrative regardless of the age of the children.
BUILD PROPRIETARY LANGUAGE AROUND CHARACTER Families develop their own language around what’s important to them and that needs to include the language of character if parents want to foster excellence. Continuous messaging of terms and phrases such as ‘hang tough’ and ‘hard yakka’ help weave character traits into the family DNA.
Parents should reflect on the language and terms they already use and build key phrases and terms around the following key character strengths: grit, self-control, conscientiousness, enthusiasm, social intelligence, gratitude, optimism, and curiosity.
CHARACTER BECOMES THE DEFAULT MECHANISMHabit and character go hand in hand. Conscientious young people don’t go around consciously deciding that they’ve got to delay the fun stuff until they’ve done their work. They’ve just made it their default mechanism to stick at their task, or delay gratification or jump into a task with enthusiasm.
Conscientiousness doesn’t always serve a young person well. They can sometimes place full focus on menial or unimportant tasks when a smarter option may be to cruise and save energy for the important times such as exams. That’s where parental guidance plays a part. However, in the long run conscientiousness serves a young person well when it’s their default because when the stakes are high and they really need to work hard, they will automatically make the right choice. In fact, it will be the only option they see when excellence really matters.
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6 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
daredevilsParenting
WORDS Lakshmi Singh
Managingteenagerswhohavealittletoomuchzestforlife,divingheadfirstintosituationswithoutthinkingthemthroughrequiresanunderstandingofboththeirinnerandouterworlds.
If you were constantly holding your breath or administering first aid as your child was growing up, you probably were raising one of those thrill-seeking, adrenalin-charged, daredevils who loved to experiment and take risks in order to entertain themselves.
As they approached their teenage years, these risks might have evolved to being more sophisticated than just jumping off the top of a tree or the “look mum, no hands” type of stunts. From binge drinking to irresponsible driving to train surfing, your teenager may be indulging in risky behaviours that may ultimately change the entire family’s life.
The teenage years are some of the most valuable years of a person’s life and can also be the most vulnerable, therefore it is highly important that parents and carers understand what is driving this behaviour and know how to manage these tendencies of their daredevil child.
Sources: “Study links anxiety and depression to risk taking in young drivers”, Queensland university of Technology
“Anxiety disorders with comorbid substance abuse”, Psychiatric Times
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 7
Parenting
EXPERTS’ TIPS FOR MANAGING YOUR DAREDEVIL TEENAGER:• Involveteenagersinrepetitive
movements like table tennis or
swimming to naturally increase the
level of dopamine and serotonin.
• Toavoidheatedargumentsand
theatrical displays of teenagers
storming out of the room, give kids
some space and talk to them when
sitting down or shoulder-to-shoulder
in a car, rather than face-to-face to
remove some of the pressure.
• Redirectyourteenagers’builtup
desire for experimentation by
involving them in adrenalin-charged
sports like rock climbing, martial arts
or mountain biking to release pent
up energy.
• Takingresponsibilityforthehouse
while parents are away, helping
to arrange family functions, input
into holiday planning, independent
shopping and going on sleepovers
are some other ways in which
parents can cater to teenagers’ thirst
for curiosity.
• Developtheartofforwardplanning
– an important skill that daredevils
and teenagers in general lack, by
participating in games that require
the formation of plans and strategies
– like card or board games.
• Encouragingreallifesocialsituations
and promoting them as being more
valuable could help reduce the
risks teenagers take through social
media. For example, volunteering
at community events, taking classes
or enrolling in competitions where
they can display their talent are all
good alternatives to excessive social
media usage.
HORMONESAndrew Fuller, author of the book Tricky Kids
(Finch Publishing, $26.95) highlights four
hormones that influence a teenager’s ‘mood’.
Adrenaline – responsible for generating the
feelings of being ‘revved up’ and on a ‘red
cordial high’, cortisol – the stress hormone
contributing to defensive, exaggerated actions,
dopamine – which can create the ‘switched-
on, pumped-up state’ and serotonin – the
“most powerful antidepressant known to
humankind.”
The former two chemicals are what you want
the least of when raising teenagers, says Fuller.
“Once a tricky kid gets an adrenaline rush,
trying to change her behaviour is a complete
waste of time,” he says. Stress from family life,
school or peers can also increase cortisol, so it
is important for families to provide low levels of
stimulation and develop routines to lessen the
strain and make their children feel safe from
violence, ridicule or humiliation, he adds.
In contrast, dopamine and serotonin are
what you want to see more of, says Fuller.
Children low in dopamine display tired and
lethargic behaviour, which is why they seek
out excitement through risky stunts to lift their
mood and achieve that ‘pumped-up high,’
explains Fuller.
BOYS vs. GIRLSThe different goals of each gender within their
social groups also influence teenagers’ actions,
says Parenting Ideas’ own Michael Grose. The
focus for girls at this age is often on achieving
social success and they may engage in risky
behaviour such as alcohol consumption and
unprotected sex. He refers to the book Queen
Bees & Wannabees (Random House, $24.99),
where the author Rosalind Wiseman describes
girls and their social hierarchies to include
a ‘Queen Bee’ and her group of ‘Wannabes’.
Most girls are ‘Wannabes’ says Wiseman and
are trying to be accepted by the ‘Queen Bee’.
This may involve doing all the dirty work just to
“please the person who’s standing above her
on the social totem pole.”
Understanding the role your daughter plays
in this social structure will help parents get a
picture of what’s going on in their girl’s world
and why they behave the way they do, explains
Wiseman. In comparison, Grose says that boys
don’t want to be seen amongst their peers as
being foolish. “Boys will look at each other and
do what the group does,” he says. This may
mean taking risks and pushing boundaries to
prove that they are a worthy member of the
group. Furthermore, Grose explains that the
Amygdala, commonly known as the reptilian
brain - responsible for fostering curiosity and
entertaining aggression, is 16% bigger in boys
than in girls.
“Girls will often reason easier because it is
easier for them to think things through because
of the wiring in their brain. A boy’s brain is
wired for activity, wired to experience things as
opposed to being told things,” he says.
BRAIN NOT MATURE UNTIL MID-TWENTIESRegardless of the gender, however, Dr. Fiona
Martin, principal psychologist at Sydney Child
Psychology Centre points out that, the part of
the brain that is responsible for impulse control
isn’t fully mature until about age 25.
“Teenagers are more likely to make
impulsive decisions without thinking through
the consequences,” she says. “Risk taking
behaviour is quite normal for teenagers. It is
one way they learn about themselves. But,
there is a whole spectrum of risks – from
learning new tricks on the skateboard to
stealing a car and being involved in a high
speed car chase with police following you.”
It is therefore important for parents to help
them understand the impact of their actions by
setting appropriate ground rules, keeping lines
of communication open and discussing the
behaviour of good role models, she says.
Sometimes, the language you use to paint
scenarios and consequences of their actions
is equally important and you may need to be
their brain, says Grose: ‘You know if you do X,
this may happen. The likelihood if you go out
and do this, is that that’s going to happen.’
Avoid making threats or gestures like finger
pointing as they will make a quick response from
their reptilian brain, which is known to instigate
the fight or flight syndrome, says Grose.
PEER PRESSUREThe need to fit in with the rest of the group
plays an important role in teenagers wanting
to do or act as their friends are. This may mean
something as simple as wanting to wear the
same brand of clothes as their peers. Or it may
involve getting involved in ‘popular’ activities
like smoking or drugs.
“One of the things you don’t want kids to do
is to be doing things just to please others,” says
Grose. The trick to communicating this is to use
tactics that will allow them to think about their
actions for themselves, without parents directly
telling them what to do, he says.
Ask questions like “could it be that you are
doing this because all your friends are? Could it
be that you want to buy these clothes because
all your friends are?” It is also important not to
impose a blanket ban on friends, he says. “It is
really dicey, particularly in adolescence, you can
let kids know that ‘I feel really uncomfortable
with you mixing with that particular person’
and let them know why for these reasons,” he
says. This may still cause teenagers to rebel
and pursue the relationship anyway but Grose
advises parents to step in and put their foot
down if they start to cross the line in terms of
the law or alcohol and drug use.
LINK TO PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONS The extent and severity of risk taking behaviour
could also reveal something about a teenager’s
mental health, says Fuller. “The longer tricky
kids stay in one emotional state, the more familiar it becomes to them,” he says. “Middle adolescence (15-17 years) is a peak time for developing depression, and young women are at least twice as likely as young men to develop it.”
Previous research has shown that risky behaviours such as substance abuse are linked with anxiety and depression in adolescents. A Queensland University of Technology study discovered a link between speeding, drink driving, not wearing seatbelts and sending SMS messages while behind the wheel and these underlying psychological conditions.
If teenagers start displaying strange behaviour like sleeping in odd places, being more generous than usual in giving away personal items or not washing regularly, it is important to step in and seek professional help,
says Fuller.
8 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
Why praise can be a
double-edged sword
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 9
WORDS Jenny Brockis
It seemed to come out of nowhere. One
day we had a happy, confident, thriving
daughter who was doing really well at
school and the next she was alternating
between a quiet sullenness and loud
arguments, telling us, “I just don’t care”.
The problem appeared to lie with her
maths. She had previously found maths
quite easy, and had got good enough
marks to be put up into the higher level
with the ‘smart’ kids. The result: a very
unhappy daughter and a significant slump
(aka tailspin) in her performance.
Putting on our best parental hats, we
tried to work out what was going on. Our
daughter’s response to our gentle probing
was “I should never have been put into the
smart kids’ class because I’m dumb” and
“My teacher just thinks I’m not “trying”.
Kids (and adults!) learn best when
feeling confident and motivated to do
well, even when the work is hard. The
trouble is that in many instances our
education system is set up to reward
cleverness or smartness before effort.
Those who excel in learning and passing
exams often enjoy an elevated status and
are held up as the example for others to
emulate. There is much less recognition
for effort alone.
The problem with this is that it
potentially damages the confidence and
self-belief of some children around their
abilities.
As parents it is natural to want to see
our children do well. When we see our
kids reaching those first milestones, we
marvel and celebrate their brilliance. It
turns out those words we use in praising
our kids at the age of one to three years
will determine the mindset and desire for
challenge that shows itself five years later,
when they start school.
This can even affect the way we think
about ourselves right into adulthood.
When we praise intelligence – “You are
so smart”, “Aren’t you clever!” – we are
using language that suggests that these
are the traits that we value the most, and
that make our children different from
others.
In contrast, when we praise effort – “I
can see you tried hard with that”, “Well
done for doing all that work” – we
are rewarding progress and intrinsic
motivation. That promotes a ‘growth’ or
‘possibility’ mindset.
Unfortunately for our daughter,
somewhere along the line she had come
to believe that she was only doing well if
she consistently got ‘A’. Being put in a class
designed to stretch her capability resulted
in the opposite occurring as she was no
longer achieving those high scores. She
now felt a failure and, not liking to be
made to feel stupid, had decided it wasn’t
worth giving the harder work a try.
What she needed was more of a
growth mindset. Helping our children to
develop a ‘growth’ versus ‘fixed’ mindset
is what makes the biggest difference
in determining our their level of self-
confidence, resilience and motivation.
Professor Carol Dweck, in her book
Mindset, describes how by choosing to
develop a growth mindset we can start
to learn from our mistakes, and feel we
are succeeding when we master a new
skill or piece of learning that has been
challenging or difficult.
Our mindset is not something we
are born with, it is formed and shaped
through experience, and who we hang out
with. We used to think that intelligence
was innate, a ‘fixed’ quality, and we now
know that is simply not true.
TIPS FOR ENCOURAGING A GROWTH MINDSET.
1 Look at learning as a way to stretch
and grow the brain. Learning new
things is great exercise for seeing new
possibilities or ways of doing things. It
encourages imagination and creative
thinking.
2 When congratulating your child, use
words that praise the outcome that has
resulted from their putting in the work
and effort.
3 When things go wrong, ask, “What
could you do differently next time
to get a better result?” Failure and
making mistakes is normal. Learning to
deal with them effectively helps build
resilience.
4 Use the power of “Yet”. If your child tells
you, “I’m no good at...” or “I can’t do
that”, your response could be, “You’re
just not there ... yet”. This implies that
it is work in progress and success may
come through perseverance. It’s not
about false hope, but encouragement.
Other research is now uncovering
additional benefits from adopting a
growth mindset. It can:
• encourage a student to want to stay at
school longer
• facilitate transition to university
• diminish bullying or aggressive
behaviour
• develop resilience in the face of
adversity
• help see challenge as opportunity
• develop tenacity in persevering to
overcome obstacles
• help see effort as the route to mastery
• build the ability to use criticism as
something to learn from
• promote inspiration and new learning
from sharing in the success of others.
We all want our children to do well and
one of the best ways we can help is
to promote a growth mindset so they
become more positive in their outlook as
to their own capabilities, broaden their
perspective of the world and elevate their
resourcefulness.
Thewaywepraiseourchildren,evenfromaveryearlyage,canhavealastingimpact.Whendoneeffectively,itcanreallypromoteresilience.
DR. JENNY BROCKIS is a brain health specialist. Her focus is on promoting optimal health and function for all brains. She is also an author and speaker, and mum to two young adults.
www.drjennybrockis.com
Why praise can be a
double-edged sword
10 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
adventurous behaviours
WORDS Malcolm Dix
A welcome return to
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 11
There’s been a welcome return of more adventurous play for kids. It’s about time – hurting themselves does have its upside
Thump! went my son’s body as he fell out off the trampoline ... then silence ... then one almighty scream as he ran to me with blood streaming down his face. Bugger! It only takes one accident to turn a relaxing, fun-filled moment into a panic-driven search for the first aid box with shouting, tears, blood-stained bandages being thrown about, ‘steri’ strips, phoning of doctors – any doctors – then getting the boy into the car along with his flailing arms and a mad race to the nearest after-hours medical centre, eventually to be told by the doctor that, thankfully, it’s nothing serious.
Accidents seem to have a strange effect on us parents. We either go for total overkill and call three ambulances, the local member of parliament and the UN. Or we totally underestimate the damage, choosing to merely slap a bandaid on the injury, tell them it’ll be okay and then later, when the swelling doesn’t go down, realise it was more serious than we thought. Getting that balance right can be tricky.
Most children will have an accident at some point in their lives. It’s unavoidable but the useful thing is: accidents are always an excellent, albeit sometimes painful, learning curve for all.
At the moment there is a big push for parents and schools to encourage children to engage in ‘back to nature’ activities. In a recent study, human movement scientists have found in that growing numbers of Australian primary school students are suffering wrist and arm fractures because they do not know how to play. The study claims less active children are at greater risk of injury during schoolyard play because of reduced motor skills.
‘Nature playgrounds’ are becoming more common, with old-fashioned (i.e. ‘dangerous’) climbing and balancing structures that kids may well topple on (or off) and get the odd graze, cut or scrape. Some schools are even re-introducing structured physical activities and games in the playground. (I grew up playing British Bulldog and bugger me if it’s not back in vogue – under a more Australian sounding name that doesn’t involve slobbering dogs.)
The idea is age old and simple – kids need some adventurous, rough and
tumble time. They need to take risks, or else how are they going to learn? When mistakes happen kids learn so many valuable lessons – from how to make decisions, assess risks and resolve conflict through to understanding what pain actually feels like, how they cope with it and how the body miraculously heals itself. (This could sow the seeds of a future medical career.)
When kids play and climb on ‘dangerous’ and ‘scary’ looking structures, they learn fast. Most of the time they are fine – generally it’s the adults who completely freak out, like the grandparent who last week told my kids to “be careful” at a new ‘nature park’ that has just opened in our neighbourhood. As the kids scurried up a large climbing frame and then nimbly reached the top, they declared to Pops, “Don’t worry, we’re Jedi knights”. (George Lucas has much to answer for, thankfully!)
When children do fall – because they will eventually – that experience is plugged into their memory for future reference ... and they instinctively ‘rein’ themselves in as they have learnt a little about their own (physical) limitations.
We all learn from our mistakes. Failure has been my best teacher in life and continues to play an integral role in my life – just ask my partner and kids … doh!
At the end of the day, we have to let our kids take calculated risks. By that I’m not advocating we immediately throw our kids into white-water rafting or crocodile wrestling, but that we let kids explore and play in a variety of settings, from parks to the beach, the river, challenging playgrounds, a bush walk – basically, anywhere that will challenge and stimulate them.
So this month, let’s turn off all the screens and get them out there. They may initially grumble but that’ll soon stop, trust me. And even us parents will enjoy ourselves as long as we embrace it and don’t fight it. If possible, don’t take your iPad with you. (One mum I saw at a park last week was on her computer and missed everything her kids were doing and didn’t engage with them at all, apart from the odd frustrated glance she gave them whenever they called out to her – and yes, she was on Facebook ... I had to look!)
Now, more than ever, we need to give our kids the space and trust to let them explore their environment so that we can watch them grow into healthy and
amazing children – even if the journey does give them the odd bump, cut, sprain or even fracture along the way. And when that next accident does occur (like my son’s falling out of the trampoline), here are my five ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ for us mums and dads:
1 Start screaming hysterically, swearing, crying and/or pass out
2 Call the ambulance, army or prime minister if it’s not all that serious
3 Be too casual – take time to actually assess what has happened
4 Don’t beat yourself up. It’s an accident. They happen a lot. Check out any history book!
5 Get angry at your child – remember that children generally don’t hurt themselves on purpose!
1 Keep calm and don’t panic – children take their cues from their parents
2 Go with your gut feeling – call the doctor if you think it’s bad, or sit on it for a while if you think it’s not serious. Trust yourself.
3 Distract and get your kids laughing as soon as possible – smile, speak slowly and confidently (even if you’re panicking inside) put on their favourite music or DVD to distract them, and wait for things to calm down – then reassess the situation
4 Call one of the many health lines available. Often just talking to an ‘expert’ helps with our decision making
5 Get changed out of your daggy pyjamas before you go to the doctor ... Or put something on if you sleep in the nuddy!
Happy climbing, jumping, and stumbling!
behavioursDon’t:
Do:
MALCOM DIX is a father of four. He’s negotiating life in a blended family of two teenagers and two toddlers. He is also a recovering social worker and stand up comedian which comes in very handy. He runs parenting workshops in Perth on Raising Mighty Kids and he’s also a tragic Dockers fan and lover of Test cricket, chilli and Game of Thrones.
12 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
chance
WORDS Karen Fontaine
SportingA
Farfromfrivolous,achild’sparticipationinteamsportisapowerfulwaytohelpshapetheirphysical,academic,emotionalandsocialdevelopment.
Stayonestepaheadofyourkidswithgreatideas&expertadvicefromMichaelGrose.JoinMichael’sNEWParentingideasClubtodayatparentingideasclub.com.au.You’llbesogladyoudid.
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 13
Sporting What if your child isn’t sporty and shies away from participating in a team? Joey Toutounji, co-author of Please Mum Don’t Supersize Me! and presenter/producer of Foxtel’s Feel Good TV, offers five alternatives that foster their development in a similar way.
1. “Dancing is a great way in which children can keep active and fit as well as express their creativity and learn skills. Dancing is a great way for children to socialise with other children who are part of the studio. Dancing can also include on-stage performances which are an excellent way for children to build their self-esteem and confidence.”
2. “Indoor rock climbing teaches children about problem solving. It is also a good activity to learn to work with others as they partner up with the person who is holding the rope at the bottom and helps guide them up to the top of the wall. It is great for building confidence and strength.”
3. “Beach body boarding is an individual fun activity and a great introduction to water sports such as surfing, and it involves children in being active, helping them improve fitness, strength and balance whilst also learning about safety awareness in the water and ocean.”
4. “Scouts and Girl Guides teach leadership, teamwork and confidence, and incorporate fun outdoor activities such as bushwalking and camping. They are also great ways for children to meet new friends, socialise with others and learn about community.”
5. “Drama classes and performances build children’s confidence and self-esteem. They promote movement in performances, creativity and socialisation with peers in their class. There may be drama activities that involve teamwork, working with others and cooperating in a group to brainstorm ideas for performances.”
For example, volunteering at community events, taking classes or enrolling in competitions where they can display their talent are all good alternatives to excessive social media usage.
SportingAlternatives
There may be no ‘i’ in team but children who play team sports stand to gain so much more than the ability to bat, bowl, pitch, catch, kick and tackle – they’re also honing their skills in the game of life.
Amid the development of fine and gross motor skills during sport, what is also going on is something far more powerful than a cultivation of mere sporting prowess, according to psychologists.
“Social learning is one of the most potent factors in a child’s development and participating in team sports really encourages and enhances that,” says Tracey Veivers, a registered sport and exercise psychologist based in Brisbane.
“As human beings, we learn by observation – not only in skill development but also social development. What’s happening on the sporting field is a development of self-efficacy – that is, a child’s sense of belonging and their ability to participate among peers. And what that feeds into is self-esteem, which is just crucial throughout life.”
As Tracey points out, team sport has a powerful effect on helping to develop the all-important quality of resilience. “When you give children a different experience within a team environment it really can help them to gain a different sense of understanding around how relationships work beyond their small world at home,” she says.
Indeed, experiencing the highs and lows of winning and losing can help to develop certain types of resilience that will support them in their education.
“Striving towards something, practicing it, and being prepared for those pressure environments are all the life skills of a resilient adult. Kids will use them when they have to do a presentation or a show and tell, then in dealing with the pressures around how they feel at exam times, in dealing with how they feel when they get a result they weren’t expecting, in time management and in developing the ability to juggle multiple tasks,” she says.
Not only that, playing sport can help children develop citizenship qualities they will retain throughout their lives, according to a 2011 study from Queen’s University in Canada. The researchers found that kids who play team sports are more likely to show initiative and be able to call on internal sources of motivation than those who don’t.
But on the other side of the coin, team sports can present an emotional pressure cooker environment and depending on the level of skills of the coach and the culture they develop, children can be subject to negative experiences as well, including feelings of self-consciousness or potentially a sense of feeling excluded and/or inadequate.
“If a team sport is not right for a child, it can lead to a situation in which they feel they are lacking mastery, and that can lead to a sense of failure which of course affects their confidence,” Tracey says.
“It is something parents and teachers need to bear in mind – sometimes a bit of experimentation pays. I hear parents say ‘I started them in this sport, they have to see the term or the year through’ – well, I think it’s more about a child doing something and being a part of something, and you can also get that in individual, non-ball or water sports – skateboarding or even martial arts, for example. It’s about being willing to put in the effort to help your child experiment and find their niche.”
If a child is completely non-sporty then that’s okay, too, says Tracey – there are pursuits such as art, music, chess and debating “but what I really do encourage is helping children work towards things like a concert if they’re in an orchestra, because that way they will experience being part of a group working towards a goal and how to manage their emotions”.
“This is where we are potentially falling short as parents,” she says. “We are not teaching our kids how to manage and self-regulate emotions – that working towards something that offers a little bit of pressure is not something to be avoided, particularly if they’re working with their peers. We need to prepare them for success but also disappointment and how to navigate any emotional consequences and still bounce back from that.”
14 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
WORDS Catherine Gerhardt
Today’stransitiontohighschoolusuallycomeswithatransitiontoagreateronline
presence.Herearefourgreatwaystohelpyourchildrendevelop‘socialnetiquette’
I am in transition and it has happened way too fast. I hope I am prepared. I am now the mother of a high school student.
Entering high school is a phenomenal year of change for parents and youth. Actually, it was the first week that really made its mark. Suddenly my daughter has her own laptop, email addresses and a smart phone.
When I was her age I had a fairly simple transition. I simply walked across the parking lot and turned right towards the high school instead of left for the primary school and the transition had occurred. That was one of the privileges of a rural education – not the norm for most youth as they make the change from primary school to secondary college. Back then, thoughts of laptops and phones with internet connection were non-existent, or at least only possible in the realm of movies like Star Trek. Fast forward to today and our kids are carrying these devices around in their backpacks.
With all this technology comes a great deal of responsibility for youth and their parents. I know I expect my children to use their manners, show respect and treat others as they would like to be treated. I expect this in the real world and I expect this online – constantly and consistently. Social netiquette is exactly that: online rules and guidelines that match real world rules and guidelines.
Here are some guidelines you can teach your child to help them develop social netiquette:
NetiquetteSocial
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 15
Don’t be an ‘open book’
Giving away too much information, too soon, to people you may not really know can put your child at risk. What you need to know and understand is that your child is now hanging out in the biggest possible public place there ever was. Placing themselves online and being an open book can make your child a target. Once they have put themselves out in this public place, they are accessible to billions of people. Even with tight privacy settings and all the awareness in the world, that post, that photo is out there; chances are that sometime, someone out there is going to make a derogatory comment about something they put online. I’m not saying that is right, but I am saying that it is bound to happen. Be prepared for that, and talk to your kids about what to do when it does. We recommend they do not respond, let a trusted adult know what has happened and do not re-enter that conversation.
Building your personal brand
In a world where social media rules, we have all become brands. Everything we do online is either adding or detracting from our personal brand. Does your child want their brand to be like a Nike or Coca Cola: a top shelf brand that people want to buy into because it is seen to have value? Everything your child says, ‘likes’, re-posts, comments or retweets on social channels tells others what they are all about. Online presence is not only about the content that they provide themselves – it is also about what’s written or posted about them by others. Today’s first impressions occur on the internet.
Your child’s personal brand will take them further than any education or university degree. In today’s world an individual’s online reputation is far more believable than anything they can provide on a piece of paper. A comment on a piece of paper doesn’t have a lot of ‘weight’, but what others can see about them on the internet – now that is ‘real’. A strong personal brand will allow your child to move between opportunities with ease.
Housekeeping required
Your child’s personal brand will also outlive any of their personal and professional achievements. Setting up and maintaining social networking requires constant work. Work with your kids to maintain a clean house, so to speak. Keep social networks tidy and tight. Some apps
make it very easy to connect with people they have never met. Have a conversation with your child about why ‘quality friends’ should win over ‘quantity of friends’. Are they connecting only with real life face-to-face friends? Who will stand beside them if they don’t, and things go wrong?
Mistakes will be made, and our aim is to minimise the slip-ups our children will make. The first thing is to reassure your child that you will be there to help if something goes wrong or gets out of control. Yes, we may be angry at first, but your child will need your support; we may be disappointed, but we will get over it. Let your child know that you are far more likely to respect them for being upfront about issues rather than trying to bury any mistake they have made.
Even the most insignificant online actions can have an influence on how your child will be perceived. Take a proactive and preventative stance – spending the time now to help your child navigate their way through their new digital world, and to help them attend to any stains and spills that might happen along the way, will pay off in the long run. Learning how to edit, block and delete content is a great place to start.
Encourage kids to T.H.I.N.K.
This is an ‘oldie but a goodie’ and it works every time. Work with your kids to have them answer these five simple questions before they post. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? And is it Kind? If your child can answer yes to those questions, then certainly they can consider putting their material online. But even a single ‘no’ to one of these questions means they will be pushing the boundaries of social netiquette.
Times certainly seem different these days, but the rules are still the same. Be nice in public, make a first good impression, tidy up your mess and think twice before speaking.
So far the transition has gone smoothly and we have both settled into the new demands of online learning and the world of ‘bring your own device’. Being the mother of a high school student is a privilege, and I welcome the new challenges it will bring.
‘eSmart Schools has found the content in the Kidproof Safety program to be a valuable and credible resource on cybersafety for schools’ The Alannah and Madeline Foundation.
NetiquetteSocial
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16 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
Ifyourkidsarepronetolosingcontrol,theymaybe
burningthroughtheiremotionalenergytooquickly.
WORDS Maggie Dent
Self-regulationISVITALTOYOURCHILD’SSUCCESS
MAGGIE DENT is an author, educator and speaker dedicated to quietly changing lives through common-sense wisdom. She has four adult sons and is the author of five books including the forthcoming release, Nine Things: A back-to-basics guide to calm, common-sense, connected parenting birth–8 (out mid 2014). www.maggiedent.com
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 17
Even with our fully developed brains, we adults still struggle with managing our moods, energy and attention. You only have to take a drive to see impatience, irritability and rage playing out on our roads – and it’s not so different on the information superhighway.
Yet, as parents, we often find ourselves wondering what went wrong and getting frustrated with our children when they fail to control themselves.
In truth, what lies at the heart of a tantrum, a full-blown meltdown, anxiety, distraction or a failure to listen is not a lack of self-control but inadequate self-regulation. There is a difference.
Dr Stuart Shanker, a Distinguished Research Professor of Philosophy and Psychology at York University, is an expert in self-regulation who recently visited Australia.
His research has shown that it’s self-regulation, rather than just self-control, which influences not just how children learn, but how they behave and how they see themselves.
WHAT IS SELF-REGULATION?Self-regulation means, essentially, ‘regulation of the self by the self’.
“Self-regulation is the ability to manage your own energy states, emotions, behaviours and attention, in ways that are socially acceptable and help achieve positive goals, such as maintaining good relationships, learning and maintaining wellbeing,” according to Dr Shanker.
Dr Shanker’s key message is that children’s capacity to self-regulate largely determines how well they will perform at school, much more than whether they can count, or be good at picture recognition or colouring-in within the lines.
The theory is that kids vary in how much ‘gas’ or energy (emotional, as opposed to physical) they have and can use in coping with life.
Dr Shanker believes kids who burn less emotional energy have more of that energy to draw on in order to manage delayed gratification and to cope.
Essentially, there are five domains that contribute to a child’s ability to self-regulate.
There can be overlaps and interactions that happen spontaneously, in different ways throughout the day.
THE DOMAINS ARE:
1. Biological
2. Emotional
3. Cognitive
4. Social
5. Pro Social.
There are six stages of energy that lie between inhibition and activation, and kids need to be at level four – relaxed alertness – to be able to do well in school as well as in the playground.
INHIBITION
1 Asleep
2 Drowsy
3 Hypo-alert
4 Calm, focused and alert
5 Hyper-alert
6 Flooded
ACTIVATION
We must help children to develop their capacity to self-regulate as this greatly increases their ability to do well at school and in later life.
WHY DO SOME KIDS BURN MORE ENERGY?Just as a car’s consumption of petrol depends on the car itself and the roads on which it is driving, a child’s temperament and their environment can contribute to whether or not they use too much energy.
Dr Shanker believes high-energy foods, especially habitual use of them, cause problems with kids’ mechanisms to self-regulate, particularly high-sugar foods and drinks.
This means the child will be “too aroused” to manage their impulses and regulate their emotions – they have energy to burn, and they burn it. This manifests in tantrums, meltdowns, clinginess, fighting and an inability to play well.
There are many other things that will sap a child’s energy: poor attachment to their mother; over-scheduled lives; overstimulation; poor sleep patterns; too much TV/screen time; low-quality food; lack of predictable routines and boundaries; abuse; shouting; shaming; and unrealistic expectations.
If a child is sensitive to auditory stimuli, this too will wear them out – they may be operating at level three, but their biology may make it hard to get to level four.
WHAT HELPS BUILD SELF-REGULATION?• Music• Drama• Art• Nature• Sport• Safe touch• Deep, loving relationships• Real play
WHAT DOESN’T HELP?• TV• Video games, tablets and smart phones• Too much pressure/stress• Not enough human connection• Poor quality food• Lack of good sleep
STRESS: THE MODERN CHILDHOOD EPIDEMICWe need to reduce the pressure and stress on our children when they are young so they can better self-regulate and develop a healthy relationship with themselves, with others and with our world.
TO SUM UP THE IMPACT OF STRESS ON OUR CHILDREN’S LIVES:
More stress = poorer self-regulation = less learning + more unhelpful behaviour
Our modern, often chaotic world is drowning our families in stress and tension. This affects the way our precious babies meet the world in the first years of life.
For those who have older children, or even adolescents, who have poor self-regulation, it can be built by teaching them calming strategies and other physical ways of discharging excess energy from the body.
ACCORDING TO DR SHANKER, THERE ARE THREE MAIN WAYS TO HELP CHILDREN IMPROVE SELF-REGULATION:
1 Identify and reduce stressors.
2 Develop self-awareness about shifts in energy.
3 Teach and encourage self-regulation techniques, especially deep breathing, using meditation, exercise and improving sleep patterns.
Regardless of a child’s temperament, there is much we as parents can do to influence their interior and exterior environments. As author and pioneering researcher Daniel Goleman says: “Parents cannot change every gene, nor modify every neural tic – and yet what children experience day after day sculpts their neural circuitry”.
Self-regulation
AtteNtioNChildren of all ages thrive on parent attention.
One-on-one time,where a child has his mum or
dad to himself, is the ultimate type of attention. In
fact, one-on-one time helps parents build strong
relationships with children. Look for opportunities to
spend time alone with each child as regularly as you
can. If you have three or more children, keep in mind
that usually middle children have less one-on-one
time with their parents than other children, so you
may need to be pro-active on that front.
In families children often compete with each other
for your attention. They work out ways to become
noticed and then develop those behaviours that
work in terms of getting attention. If one child gets
special attention because he’s smart, then his sibling
may put her heart and soul into sport or music to get
special attention. Kids, like niche marketers, work to
their strengths to be noticed.
An important learning for children is that they
can’t have parent attention all the time. They need
to share you around and occupy themselves.
ANXietYAnxiety is different to feeling nervous, fearful or
worried. Nerves, fear and worry can subside. They
are generally transient occurring at different ages
and stages of development. They are often linked to
a particular activity such as giving a talk at school,
going to bed in a dark room or joining a new club.
Anxiety doesn’t easily subside and is not always
linked to a specific activity or event. Anxiety in
children has a hereditary component, and can also
be environmental where kids pick up the worries
and fears of people around them.
There are three types of anxiety in children. There’s
social anxiety where children become anxious about
going into social situations. There’s separation
anxiety where children become fearful that a
temporary separation from parents or guardian can
be permanent. The third type is generalised anxiety
where children worry about all sorts of things
including mixing with their friends from playgroup
through to the impact of world events.
In general, when children experience anxiety
• acknowledgeyourchild’sanxiousness–don’t
dismiss or ignore it
• gentlyencourageyourchildtodothingsshe’s
anxious about, but don’t push her to face
situations she doesn’t want to face
• waituntilyourchildactuallygetsanxiousbefore
you step in to help
• praiseyourchildfordoingsomethinghe’sanxious
about, rather than criticising him for being afraid
• avoidlabellingyourchildas‘shy’or‘anxious’.
Severe anxiety can impact on children’s well-being
and happiness, and shouldn’t go unchecked.
Consider seeking professional help when:
• Yourchildispreventedfromparticipatingin
normal activities for her age group by her anxiety.
• Yourchildexperiencesmoreanxietythanother
children her age. For instance, it’s normal for some
children to experience separation fears when
going to preschool or school for the first time, but
far less common over the age of eight.
• Considerhowsevereyourchild’sreactionis.If
she’s extremely distressed and hard to settle when
you leave her, for example, think seriously about
professional help.
*Some information about anxiety adapted from
Raising Children Network – Anxiety and Fears
Build your parenting know-how one letter at a time.
ABCDeFGHiJKLMNoPQRStUVWXYZLetter by letter: A by-the-letter parenting guide
18 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
A
WORDS Michael Grose
ABCDeFGHiJKLMNoPQRStUVWXYZLetter by letter:
ANGeRAnger is a big societal issue right now.
The seeds of learning to handle anger
effectively are sewn in childhood. Anger
needs to be managed rather than simply
avoided, because bottled up emotions
explode rather than dissipate. Kids need to
learn that anger can be expressed in ways
that aren’t hurtful to anyone, including
themselves.
Here are six steps you can use to help kids of all ages keep their emotions in check and respond safely when they run high:
Understand it: Help children understand
the events and situations that are likely to
trigger angry responses.
NAME IT: Help them recognise the physical
signs of anger such as clenched teeth
and fists, tension around their shoulders
and heavier breathing. Then develop
a vocabulary around anger. Naming
emotions promotes good emotional
literacy.
DEFUSE IT: Think of ways to diffuse
their anger. Distraction and cool-down
time maybe effective for toddlers, while
strategies such as listening to their story,
validation and focusing on feelings can
diffuse anger in older children.
CHOOSE IT: Help kids understand that they
have a choice about how they respond.
They may feel like lashing out, but they
don’t have to do that.
Say it: Encourage children to express how
they feel verbally, rather than bottle things
up or become aggressive.
LET IT OUT SAFELY: Boys, in particular,
need innocuous outlets such as going for a
run and physical play for pent-up emotions.
Some kids may pour their anger into a
letter, some work on a productive activity.
(This is an extract from the writer’s book
“Thriving!”)
ASSeRtiVeNeSSAssertiveness is a term you don’t hear much about these days. It refers to standing up for yourself; making sure people take notice. There are times when both parents and children need to be assertive. Parents do, when they want their kids to really listen and children need to be able to assert themselves when peers are less than pleasant to them.
Assertiveness is revealed by a person’s body language – a steady, firm voice, standing tall, a still head while talking – all indicate credibility to the listener. Assertiveness can be practised in front of a mirror. It’s a skill that can be learned and should be practised.
AUtiSMAutism spectrum disorder (ASD) is an umbrella term that refers to a range of conditions that share some common characteristics, including autistic disorder and Asperger’s disorder. It causes children to have difficulties with social communication, to have a narrow set of interests and to engage in repetitive behaviours. There is also an increase or decrease in sensitivity to taste, touch, sight and sounds.
We don’t yet know exactly what causes autism spectrum disorder (ASD). In fact, it’s suspected that there might be several causes including brain development and genetic factors. ASD is not caused by anything that parents do or don’t do while raising their child. Children with autism have a wide range of difficulties and abilities. In fact, some have very impressive skills and strengths, including great recall, (for some)wide vocabularies and the ability to methodically work through puzzles.
By about the age of three, however, children with autism show difficulties with social communication, interests and behaviour. Diagnosis of autism is usually
based on a child not reaching certain age-based developmental milestones.
While signs of autism are often present early in infancy, they become more noticeable in the toddler years, as children are expected to start talking and playing with other children. The first sign of autism that most parents notice is their child’s lack of interest in other people. General practitioner or your local child health professional is your first port of call if you
suspect a child may have autism.
AUNtYiNGAuthor Steve Biddulph in his book ‘Raising Girls’ laments the fact that auntying has virtually disappeared. He claims that in the past, girls spent more of their adolescence accompanied by women than they do now. The influence of older women – aunties, family friends and other adults – was a steadying, reassuring influence on girls.
Aunties can talk straight to kids; and talk to kids about subjects that parents may struggle with. They can also give them feedback that perhaps parents can’t. Auntying and uncling is a lost art that needs reviving.
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 19
A
Next: B – boys, bullying, birth order…
20 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
a much overlooked parenting technique
Asking for Help
Ifyou’rechallengedbythebehaviourofyourteenager,whereshouldyouturnforhelp?Itmaybecloserthanyouthink.
WORDS Bill Jennings
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 21
Consider this. A member of your family is having a stressful time with one of their kids. They approach you and ask for some help. What would you do?
You’ve got your answer? Good. Hold that thought. See if you can find some of your own stories in what’s to follow.
With my 17-year-old son Jack’s permission I can share that my wife Lisa and I have not had the easiest time guiding him, our youngest, through his adolescent years. Our challenges would not be considered atypical for a mum, dad and teenager in this stage of life. Tough but – when all is said and done – pretty normal.
He’s pushed boundaries, I’ve picked the wrong fights. In a few years time we’ll probably look back and laugh at how stubborn we have both been, but at times this journey has been pretty ugly.
How ugly? Do you remember how Tim Robbins’ character Andy Dufresne finally escaped from Shawshank prison?
His friend Red (the Morgan Freeman character), in that timeless narration voiceover said:
“Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can’t even imagine, or maybe I just don’t want to. Five hundred yards ... that’s the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.”
What do you think? Is that sewer pipe not a brilliant metaphor for parents guiding a teenager through a difficult adolescence?
Finally there are signs that we might be emerging through the other side of this particular journey. At the time of writing we feel like we might be getting to the end of the pipe, touch wood.
Earlier today – way earlier, at 1 am – I found myself sitting in my car in a suburban street performing the designated driver duties. Lisa was still awake, so she came along for the ride and made the inevitable phone call (we don’t knock on the door any more of course – how embarrassing).
A handful of young folk were starting to appear in the street.
We have a phrase for how we like to find the young bloke when he emerges from a party – “in good order”. This morning he was in good order. He appeared with a mate and his girlfriend.
Jack asked if we could give his friends a lift back home.
As we drove off, the banter started. The young lady was very chatty; I can’t remember what I said but she remarked to Jack that he had the coolest parents ever. We had to laugh. This would not be Jack’s usual opinion (well certainly not the way he sees his dad). We’ve laughed again today – enjoying some opportunities to say to Jack that we are really happy with how he’s going at the moment ... in Year 12, chipping away at the homework and balancing the social life with his biggest year at school.
This is a big improvement on halfway through last year, when we certainly felt stuck somewhere in the middle of that metaphoric pipe. It seemed like every week we were hitting problems.
Boundary crossed. Consequence. Another boundary crossed. Another, tougher, consequence. From both sides, it felt like all we were doing was upping the ante. I started to feel bereft and said to Lisa, “Do you feel like we are running out of ideas?” Lisa agreed. There will be parents reading this now who know that feeling.
As that feeling of helplessness began to overwhelm, one idea made a welcome visit.
I remembered that Jack was pushing boundaries in a way that my youngest brother Greg had done when he was growing up. Greg gave our mum and dad a bit of heartache. Being eleven years older than Greg, I have always looked at him as my little brother. I left home just before his teenage years to travel around the country and the world, and we have come in and out of each others lives from that point.
Greg had got married the year before this and was about three weeks away from becoming a dad. I shared with Lisa the idea of asking him to help us with Jack – might he come and simply have a chat with him?
I called Greg on the weekend and asked him if he could he spare some time – because of what I remembered he was like as a teenager – to come and see Jack.
Greg lives on the other side of town, but do you know what happened? He was at our door within half an hour. He took Jack out for lunch. Yum Cha in fact (which I remarked to Lisa was a pretty mixed up consequence – but he was Greg’s project now).
Greg visited again the next weekend
and this time was equipped with some goal setting materials he had been given in a course he had done at work. He invited Jack to work through the process with him ... each of them working on their own goals but together at the same time so that they could encourage each other.
I can’t recall how many times Jack has been lectured by yours truly about the need to have goals, but of course that message was going to be better received by Jack from his much cooler, younger uncle than via the broken record messages of his old man.
We had a family birthday gathering a few weeks ago, just before Jack started his last year of high school. Greg presented him with a letter. I don’t know what was in it but Jack, as you’ve been informed, has made a brilliant start to the year.
The thing about all this is that before I turned to Greg it had never occurred to me to ask someone for help in dealing with our challenges – especially not my ‘little’ brother. I realised afterwards that this was the first time I had asked Greg for something that in any way credited him as being an adult. My ‘little’ brother has been an adult for at least 18 years now but it took me this long to see him in this way. However, when I did so, Greg, despite being in the middle of a very busy, exciting time in his life (he now has a baby son, Isaac), responded to my request to help his nephew.
What was your response to that question at the start of this story... about what you would say if a member of your family or a close friend asked you for help? My guess is that most of us would respond like my brother did.
So why is it that I only thought to ask Greg for help when he was what felt like the last idea left?
We live in a world in which we often feel we’ve got to solve stuff ourselves. We shouldn’t. I hope that if Greg needs a chop out with Isaac in 15 years or so, he will ask. I’ll be there or, maybe better still, his big cousin Jack will step in.
What’s the big takeaway from this story? When you are doing it tough with your teenager ... indeed when you encounter any challenge raising your kids ... lean on your tribe. They are waiting to be asked.
You’d help them in similar circumstances wouldn’t you? Yes? Just ask.
Asking for Help
For this poster and many more inspirational ideas go to
Poster #12
Frame problems
as challenges
Coach kids to do well Show confi dence they can succeed
Celebrate their success
Give kids a chance
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4
5
Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog Help kids leapfrog their difficulties
“The stronger the wind the stronger the trees.” Anon
parentingideasclub.com.au
parentingideasclub.com.au
22 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
WORDS Michael Grose
Whether it’s going to school for the first time, making new friends or even going to school camp, children often experience difficulties that they need to overcome.
When children overcome problems and deal with unpleasant situations they learn they are capable, which is the basis of self-esteem and confidence.
Children’s resilience is fostered when they overcome problems and manage unpleasant social situations such as teasing or going into new situations. Protecting kids from challenging experiences robs them of chances to learn, develop and grow.
Resilient kids look back and draw on skills and understandings they have developed in the past to help them deal with present challenges. For instance, a sixteen year old girl recently revealed how her time spent on a twelve-day adventure camp helped her overcome the homesickness she experienced on a six-month student exchange.
She remembered how on the first day of her school camp she didn’t think she could make it – but she did. She experienced those same doubts early in her exchange but she knew that just as she had coped before she would do so again, but this time in more difficult circumstances. She was drawing on the same resources.
Here are five great parenting ideas to help your kids leapfrog their difficulties:
Frame the problem as a challenge: Frame the difficulty as a challenge rather than a problem. Kids take their cues from their parents so the frame of ‘challenge’ gives kids something to rise to rather than be overwhelmed by.
Coach kids to do well: Talk kids through their challenges, give them ideas to cope and manage. Consider rehearsing some skills or language that they may need.
Show confidence they will succeed: Children generally meet their parents’ expectations so make sure your expectations are realistic, positive and supportive of their feelings.
Give kids a chance: Allow kids to approach challenges in their own way without constantly checking on them. Your nervousness is definitely catching.
Celebrate their success: Even if they were partially successful, such as they went to school camp for two out of the three days, then praise their efforts. They’ve got a great building block for next time.
The attitude and approach of parents and teachers will determine how successfully children and young people meet and overcome many of the hurdles they encounter. That attitude needs to be courageous, sensitive and hopeful that your child will meet, and overcome with assistance, all the challenges they encounter.
For more practical ideas to equip your child for their future success visit Parentingideas Club. You’ll be amazed about what you’ll discover!
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3
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5
Help kids their difficulties
with these 5 ideas
Leapfrog
Issue 11 Parentingideas Magazine 23 facebook.com/parentingideas.com.au
Join the
on facebookconversationwith these 5 ideas
Parentingideas
– more than just
a magazine!
Do you have childhood traditions (things YOU loved to do as a child) that you are sharing with your kids? What kinds of things, if so?
What jobs do your
kids help with
around the house?
And do you give
pocket money for
chores?
Here’s some really
useful advice on
handling troubles at
school. Tip number
five is a really
important one.
24 Parentingideas Magazine Issue 11
Bill JeningsLakshmi Singh
Karen Fontaine Catherine GerhardtMichael Grose
Maggie Dent
Malcolm Dix Sue McAdam Jenny Brockis
parentingideas.com.au
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