better responses when in conflict

when parties with contrasting goals

come in contact with one another

Conflict Occurs

“Conflict is a lotlike water—

it spills over;

it flows downhill;

and if leftunchecked,

it erodes whatever

it touches. And sometimes, like red wine,

it stains.”

— Jason Fried

“Fear often underminesour abilities…

robs us of our potential….destroys our strength.”

—Harry Jackson

We want to be liked. (“Leadership is about doing the right thing, not the easy thing.”) –Volkema

We don’t have hope it could turn out well—waste of time/energy

It could escalate and bite us.

We feel we are not good at these talks.

Why else?

“We would rather harbor resentment than risk rejection.” –Jim Putnam

“Misery loves company.”10-80-10 example

!@##__#

If you sweep enoughunder the rug, it becomes

a tripping hazard.

!@##__#

4X to Have a Crucial Confrontation

1. When you are acting out your feelings-unhealthy signals.

2. Your conscience is nagging you to step up to the plate

3. You’re downplaying the cost of not taking action while exaggerating the danger of speaking up.

4. You figure that nothing you do will help: they are impossible to talk to.

“An ounce of action is wortha ton of theory.” –Fredrich Engels

You have to be convinced that the

consequences of staying the same are

worse than what could be on the other

side of this confrontation.

How to get what you want with

different Approaches

Person A and Person B

Communication Exercise

5 APPROACHESfor Resolving Conflict

If you lose your cool, the issue will now be about your reaction,

not their inappropriate behavior.

“In a multitude of counselorsthere is safety.”

Do you have a conflict to deal with right now?

“When I contemplate the

reactional criticismsof hostile people, I can become

paralyzed with fear.

If I try to offend no one and please everyone, I won’t be effective.”

“What happens is not as important as how you

react to what happens.”

–Thaddeus Golas

Tough on the problem, soft on the person.

How do we add/detract valuefrom people in conversations?

The Fool’s Choice is to

CHOOSE to PRESERVE

the relationship

OR

RESOLVE the ISSUE.

Hurting people

hurt other people.

Creating a Safer Situation

Show them how you specifically understand how they feel.

Find a place to agree with them.

Make sure you are using “I statements…”

PushingMy Buttons

Diffusing

Role Play

The goal is to getthe monkey off your

back when they throwhim there,

and back onto their back by the conclusion

of the interaction.

• “You are singling me out, when everyone else is doing it, too.”

• “C’mon. This isn’t the big deal that you are making it. I screwed up one timeand you smash me.”

• “That’s ridiculous. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

• “If you’d lead differently, I’d behave differently.”

• “Everyone else thinks it’s stupid that you enforce this rule.”

PushingMy Buttons

Diffusing

Role Play

You are trying to

getthe person to

stop yellingat the

closed door

(their pastpattern of behaviorthat will no longer

be tolerated)

and look for the open door (a new pattern they can commit to).

“From caring comes courage.”

–LaoTzu

STAR:Specific

Target +Action they did +Result it caused

Make aComplaint

MT:(Manager Tools)

“May I give you some feedback?

When you __________ (negative or

positive behavior), it demonstrates

_______________ (negative/positive

consequence to the team/company).

Would you please work on

changing that?”

PRACTICE:

“Your direct report is being a wet blanket

whenever a new idea is presented in your

team meetings. He/she interrupts the

person offering the idea, immediately

shoots at the idea with comments of why

it won’t work, rolls his/her eyes and gives

other negative body language, then checks

out during the ensuing discussion.”

“Being heard is so close to

being loved that for the

average person, they are

almost indistinguishable.”

–David Augsberger

Drive resolution down to the lowest level.

LEAD:Listen…Empathize…Apologize….Discuss

Life Coaching & Professional Development

Certified Life Coach

Bottom Line:

Be a plow, not a bulldozer,

in resolving conflict!