codependency - march 2011

CODEPENDENCY AND YOU

RON HARRISON

You

HE’S ALL YOURS!!

What You Need to Know:Your Competency as a Parent,

PartnerProfessional, etc

and CoDependent Behavior

Co-DependencyCo-dependency is a primary illness developed

through a dysfunctional pattern of living and

problem solving which is nurtured by a set of

rules within the family system. These rules

make healthy growth and change very difficult.

-OR-

I GET MY NEEDS MET

THROUGH OTHER

PEOPLE.

Codependent people often Love others to death.

Literally

“KINDLY LET ME HELPYOU OR YOU WILL

DROWN,”SAID THE MONKEY

PLACING THEFISH

IN A TREE.

• You grew up with a chemically dependent parent

• Your grandparent(s) were chemically dependent

• You were emotionally abused as a child• You were sexually abused as a child• You were physically abused as a child• You are chemically dependent• Your significant other is chemically

dependent.

You might be co-dependent if:

MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter

MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter

SELF

MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter

SELF

OTHERS

MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter

SELF

OTHERS

SelfActualization

MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

SURVIVAL health/safety/shelter -

OTHERS

Self

Actualization

MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

1. Others Codependent behavior takes us back to the first level.

2. Survival Once back here we repeat the same behavior and of course get the same result!

PROGRESSION OF AN ADDICTION

EARLY MIDDLE LATE

NO SYMPTOMSNOTICEABLE

SYMPTOMS BEGIN-TO SHOW UP

DIAGNOSIBLE “BY A 10 YEAR OLD”

PROGRESSION OF CODEPENDENCY

EARLY MIDDLE LATE

NO SYMPTOMSNOTICEABLEIN FACT, SEENAS A WONDERFULCARINGPERSON

SYMPTOMS BEGIN-ING TO SHOW UP, HOWEVER STILL LOOKS LIKE ACARING SENSITIVEPERSON

DIAGNOSIBLE. ANGRY, REPEAT-ING BEHAVIOR, SEE’S LIFE AS BLACK AND WHITE,CONTROLLING, ETC.

MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW

SELF

MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW

SELF SELF and OTHERS

MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW

SELF SELF and OTHERS

OTHERS

MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW

YOU YOU and OTHERS

NOOTHERS ONE

MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW

SELFSELFANDOTHERS

OTHERSNOONE

UNCONSCIOUSSUBCONSCIOUSMEMORIESREPRESSED MEMORIES

PSYCOLOGICALLY HEALTHY PERSON

SELF AND

OTHERS

NOONE

OTHERS

SELF

ADDICT

SELF AND OTHERS

SELF

noone

OTHERS

CODEPENDENCY

OTHERS

SELF

NOONESELF AND OTHERS

THE PERFECT MATCH

ADDICT CODEPENDENTAddict

THE WINNER

THE ADDICT -

Your sonYour daughterYour partnerYour husband

Your wifeYour motherYour fatherYour client.

Signs and Symptomsof CoDependency

Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships

Seeing life as black or white

Being overly responsible for others

Having feelings of powerlessness

Having difficulty setting boundaries

Fear of change

Seeing yourself as a “martyr”

Allowing yourself to be used

Resentful Attitudes

Reactive Behavior Instead of Proactive Behavior..

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS CON’T

Frozen feelingsTrouble with intimacyLow self esteemDevelop victim roleBoundary issuesPersonalize everythingDon’t trust your perceptions and/or instinctsOthers behavior is a reflection of youUnrealistic expectations for yourselfUse control and manipulation in relationshipsFear rejection and abandonment…

The Co-dependent

Often we feel we are expected to:

• Put our own issues aside• Maintain control

• Create a safe environment for our- • Husband,wife,son,daughter,mom,dad,client,whomever

Which just happens to be a perfect growth environment

for co-dependency

-so-

We must -

.

AVOIDBelieving that we can manipulate our

others into becoming healthy

COMPLIANT

≠

HEALTHY

AVOID

• Feeling personal blame when things don’t go right

AVOIDTaking credit for others success

AVOIDLinking success with our efforts

AVOID Second-guessing every decision

wemake..

CONSEQUENCES OF UNTREATED CODEPENDENCY

1. Chemical dependency.2. Other dependencies such as infidelity, workaholism, obsession with outside

interests.3. Eating disorders.4. Angry most of the time.5. Develops stress related illnesses such as ulcers, rashes, migraines,

depression, high blood pressure and stomach disorders.6. Becomes passive or controlling in relationships.7. Becomes totally dependent on others for feelings of self-worth. Low self

esteem develops.8. See themselves as failures.9. Labeled, rigid, judgmental, self centered, and perfectionist.10. Life becomes simplistic - either black or white.

Obstacles to RecoveryFrom Codependency

• Your use of drugs or misuse of alcohol• Your parents (or grandparents) use of drugs or

misuse of alcohol• Your spouses use of drugs or misuse of alcohol• Your enmeshment• Your guilt regarding any of the above• Your urge to over-simplify any of the above• (or a need for simple answers)• Trouble with the disease concept• Your successful drug use as a child• Your “partial” recovery • Anger at any of the above.

SOLUTIONS:

1. THERAPY2. SELF EXAMINATION

3. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS4. AL-ANON

5. OTHER 12 STEP MEETINGS

• EXTERNAL MOTIVATION

CREATES

EXTERNAL CONSEQUENCES

CREATES

INTERNAL MOTIVATION

TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

STEP 6WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE

ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER.

STEP 7 HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR

SHORTCOMINGS

THEN GET TO WORK!!!

RULE 62

DON’T

TAKE

YOURSELF

TOO

SERIOUSLY!!