dangerous liaisons

HURRAY!

A cliffhanger more shameless than what they pulled on Dallas! I’m actually a little proud.

I think it’s time to install a permanent nursery. This is a legacy house, after all. Making babies is what we do here.

Caring for them however is a bit of a chore.

Also, the orange eyebrows worry me.

Here kid, have a baby. It’s yours. I’ve got a sequel to write.

Space Bug! Man, why didn’t I think of that sooner?

The baby is a girl, by the way, and I’ve named her Laelena, after my old World of Warcraft character.

Shut up.

You’re reading a Sims 2 legacy, it’s not like you’re any cooler.

More lifetime platinum!

New toys for my Sims!

I wouldn’t do that kid. Your dad is a Hall of Famer. He used to be the star player for Klan United. I don’t think your fruity

violin-fiddling ass has any right to taunt him.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Although booing the kid for it is sort of cruel.

Don’t worry about it Alex. My dad hates me too. The solution is to act really, really slutty and wreck his car. Trust me.

Babies are boring, so let’s grow this one up!

No more baby pics either. We’ve all seen the pictures of Sims acting like horrible parents, putting babies on the floor-

DON’T PUT THE BABY IN THE TRASH!

Why… why do I even have to tell you this?

I swear the first two birthdays in a Sim’s life are basic self-preservation. At least children can run.

What is with this hair?

Really, is the blue poofy hair gene that strong? Is god really that cruel?

Oh well, on to the makeover.

Eep!

Catfight!

What’s going on here?

La-dee-da-dee-da!

Skipping home from work to my lovely fiancée who isn’t up to any shenanigans at all dee daa!

Seriously, are you surprised?

And yes, this is still at the party. Oy.

What?

It worked out great in The Room.

DUDE!

I don’t care what she did, you do not slap a girl in the face!

That’s more like it. Kick his ass!

He’s used to it.

Oh man, Alfie’s getting owned!

He’ll be lucky to have any teeth left after this.

Woot!

Because no baby birthday party is complete without a bare knuckle brawl!

Oh, he’s got the crazy eye!

Clemmy, you in so much trouble!

Oh man, this is depressing.

Not the heartbreak and fight. The sheer and utter stupidity of it all.

And with all that going on, I didn’t even show you the latest generation 2 member!

She’s noisy and smelly.

I don’t like her.

Productive?

No.

Better than kicking the shit out of your baby?

Marginally.

Save Dollhouse!

See, all you die-hard Whedonites just got a chuckle out of that. The other 90% of you, whoo, straight over your head.

I knew all this gardening would come in handy some day.

Strawberry juice helps with insane rage problems. That’s how a real man solves his rage issues, you Xanax-shoveling

pussies.

It takes two days and gallons of strawberry juice (seriously, what?) but in the end Clementine finally takes her lumps and

apologizes.

The only way she knows how.

It’s a shame we can’t see underneath those blankets. I bet he’s choking the fuck out of her.

Kinky.

But impromptu asphyxiaphilia can’t solve everything. No, to save this relationship, we need to think big. I thought I’d have

them do what every retarded couple does to fix their crappy relationship, but they already have three kids, so I’ll have

them get married instead.

Ah, the waiting game.

Will she show up? She wouldn’t be the first Romance Sim to get cold feet.

There she is!

I managed to pick the exact day she didn’t have “Get Married” rolled as a Fear too, so bonus!

But isn’t she a lovely bride?

The white dress is a little misleading, but hey, tradition and all.

He looks happy. I don’t know why, but he does.

I guess he loves her as much as an AI-driven, computer simulated pixel man can love an AI-driven, computer simulated

pixel woman. Do Sims dream of pixilated sheep?

…

Aw… My little Simmies are all grown up.

Now I know why moms cry at weddings. I thought they were just being inconsiderate.

Vows are presumably exchanged, rings are swapped and Clementine does-

This.

Don’t ask me, how the fuck should I know?

…

Way to ruin my wedding, buggy game.

I mean her wedding!

Heh.

…

Awkward.

No matter, it’s party time!

Alfie isn’t invited, and the twins can’t stand to watch.

Harsh.

At least this party is shaping up to be a bit less violent than the last.

Then again…

Here’s a tip: if you find yourself attracted to your own gender and want to make out with your sister’s crush, don’t do it on

your unsuspecting parents’ wedding reception. That’s not even a pro tip, just basic common courtesy.

*does not give a fuck*

Clementine just scored 50+ respect points. Even my own mild-mannered, kind and gentle mother would not take it this

well.

I seriously want to know how anyone can look at a picture this cute and sweet and see nothing but filth, smut and the

degeneration of the human race as a whole.

I’m not preaching. I’m asking. Honestly. It’s like getting a rage-on over a basket of puppies.

I think I’m going to call this party a success.

Bengo approves. That’s good enough for me.

The party continues at home. If there’s an award for Most Forgiving Sim Ever, Hayden gets my vote.

But bigger things are afoot! Clementine and Hayden have a honeymoon coming up, but in the meantime…

Yes. Yes, I am sure.

I haven’t put a Sim through college in ages, should be fun right? Right?

So sad, kids leaving the house.

I know they’ll be back. Still, I’ll have to decide on a heir soon and it’s a toss-up between an aspiring mad scientist and a

guitar-shredding, violin-fiddling socialite. Pity me, for I have a tough choice to make.

And while the kids are leaving home for years…

… a random walk-by tries his hand at this “sexual assault’ business he’s heard so much about.

Credit where credit is due though: she wants none of that.

Maybe married life is having a positive influence on her. Here’s to hoping, because I’m sick of putting NSFW on all my

posts. So far so good!

I’m in trouble now, because the kids are in college and the parents are on honeymoon and I have to divide my attention

between two sub-neighborhoods.

Whoever said women are automatically good at multi-tasking needs to shut their sexist talk-hole. I multi-task about as well

as a particularly drunk mule.

College it is!

Gee dad, college looks neat! Did you go to college here?

Don’t be ridiculous son. I’m a sports star, I barely coasted my way through middle school!

Don’t worry about it, Alex. That tingling sensation around the crotch area is completely normal. I remember college, I had it

for four years straight.

Thank god for socialized health care.

As father and son share a hopeful but teary goodbye…

… this.

Just this.

Insert your own joke, because I’ve got nothing.

See, this is the dorm I hand-picked with loving care for my Sims, created by Eloissa.

If any of my readers happen to work with NASA supercomputers and can find some time off from discombobulating

spacecraft and shooting chimps in the general direction of Mars, I invite you to download it at MTS2, because it’s glorious.

My crappy-ass PC (which, as it happens, was top-of-the-line four years ago) will have to settle for this.

It’s not so bad. When I say I remember college, I mostly mean old dudes droning on about the hella-interesting regional

accents of ancient Greek, eating ramen for weeks on end and a regrettable string of drunken encounters which I will not

discuss further. It sure as hell didn’t include private swimming pools and a personal chef.

Look at that smug little rich kid, living it up on the parents’ dime.

I should have gone to college in America.

Colleges are like that in America, right?

Oh, great job guys! I was doing so well too!

*sigh*

NSFW! Bixel bewbs! Lewdness! Moral decay! Yada-yada-yada-here’s-some-random-chick’s-boobs.

I swear this is the very first thing that happens. Before the first class, before even picking a major, this.

Definitely should have gone to college in America. You spoiled bitches.

Speaking of majors, I thought I’d stop talking about crotch itch and boobs for a while and give you some proper information

on the legacy kids.

I approve of Trixi’s Mad Science aspirations why not, so she gets to study physics. It’s like math for pussies.

Alexander, I’m not so sure. Prestagi… Prestiga… Pritidi… Magic tricks are fun and all, but it just doesn’t look like it’s his

destiny, you know? Also my English is insufficient.

Drama will serve him fine. He could still be a ballet dancer or a rock star or whatever, anything that suits him better than

stage magic.

Meet the roomies!

They will play no part in this legacy at all.

Don’t know why I’m showing them off then. Probably because I spent over a week creating all these custom townies and

dammit, you will appreciate it!

It’s good for Alexander though. He’s a true socialite, can’t go a minute without talking to someone. While his sister…

… not so much.

She hates people. Like, everyone. Good. This will serve her well in her future career.

Oh good. Her.

A solid reason to hate all of humanity right there.

Oh, and the rarely seen but extra-strength annoying female coach!

My god. If ever there was a time I was going to do one of those sim-and-creator-conversation comments, it would be with

this picture. Help me, simscribe! Why are you not helping? Why must you hate me?

Oh. Em. GEE!

These guys are worse than the hobby Sims. This is just getting sad now.

I am suddenly inspired to do a blog about the surely sad, lonely lives of NPCs like the cheerleader, the mascots and the

Hobby Sims, but they’d all end in a lonely, depressing, booze-soaked murder-suicide. And nobody wants that. This is

Livejournal, dammit! Give us Draco/Snape slashfic or give us death!

Alexander really is the stereotype of the perfect, popular student. He makes loads of friends, gets top grades and finishes

his term paper before going to the first class of the first semester.

That takes dedication, peeps.

Trixi, on the other hand, has different ambitions.

She wants to see a ghost. Now I don’t know any physics student mad-scientist-wannabe worth their salt who wouldn’t

want that, but in her case, I’m suspicious. Also, adulthood has made her look evil again. Maybe the evil look alternates

between life stages, I dunno.

ALL THAT LIVES IS THE OPPRESSOR!

Do ghosts appear on comminty lots? My sources say yes. If they do, they’re pretty much obligated to come to this creepy-

ass chapel.

Plus, I killed like 10 randoms just to litter this place with tombstones.

Well, there we are.

Have fun busting ghosts. I guess. You creep.

Alexander, meanwhile, is more into wholesome, clean activities like spending the evening at the community pool. Surely

nothing-

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

I try to offer clean PG-13 entertainment, I really do, but then some random flashes his blue peen and here I am,

apologizing to the internet for showing smut to twelves. Funny, the places life takes you sometimes.

Heh, I bet you liked that, you naughty little pixel man.

Sadly, James is dead set on leaving the lot (I wonder why) and Alexander doesn’t even get a chance to speak to him.

Love lost? We shall have to see.

DUN DUN DUUUN!

I wonder what Trixibelle is doing right about now.

Probably freezing her green ass off in a not-so-haunted cemetery. To each his own, I guess.

Again with the trash can kicking? PC games never get “mean” or “evil” right, do they? Most games I play, evil PC = petty

douch. If there’s any game that does creative, fun, cackling Dr. Insano type evil and does it well, I haven’t played it yet,

and I’m worse off for it.

Well, the ghost busting didn’t work out so hot, and I’ll bet standing around in the pouring rain in a nasty old chapel hasn’t

done her any favors, but hey, at least het science enthusiasm is building.

So… yeah, I guess that’s good for her. Kinda. For Science!

Strange. Despite the ghost hunting, socializing and nekkid poolside shenanigans, they’re both doing extremely well

academically. Maybe American colleges aren’t so hot after all, if they’re impressed by this level of effort.

Yay, partying day and night and getting a college degree with minimal effort! USA! USA!

Oh shit! It’s Team America: World Police!

I was joking, America! Please don’t liberate my country! Don’t waterboard my Simmies! I’m sorry!

What the…

Alew, dude, watch out. I don’t think that’s a real police officer.

Just a hunch.

No, don’t go with him! You ass!

Dude, I see so much naked human pyramids in your future. If you wake up in a tub of ice, you’ll be lucky.

Oh, it’s just the secret society.

That’s cool too. I guess. Not even a spanking huh?

No, I’m not disappointed at all! What do you take me for, some desperate chick on LJ who gets off on pixilated nudity?

Oh well, while we’re here I guess we can at least explore the place.

Here’s to hoping he doesn’t run into a member of the Bush clan. I hear they’re pretty big on this Skull and Bones

nonsense.

Alright, let’s see…

Mandatory cowplant?

Check.

Direct line to the afterlife?

Check.

High stakes poker game?

Check and mate.

The secret behind Republican campaign funding?

Check that.

Wicked cool guitar setup?

…

Uh, check, I guess. Weird.

It’s weird though, but finding out that dopey-looking hippie chick from the dorm is a member made it a bit of a hollow

victory.

Still, secret society baby! Probably the most exciting thing to happen in college…

Definitely more exciting than anything Trixibelle gets up to though.

That’s great honey, but you know what happens to evil-faced antisocial loners? They become cartoonish mad scie…

Oh. Well, okay then. Carry on.

You know, just going over the highlights like this really doesn’t adequately illustrate how fucking boring college is. Mostly,

it’s this. Doing the occasional assignment and some impromptu dance-offs. So I’ve set myself a new goal!

Legacy Greek House, baby!

NEXT TIME ON FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED!

- Trixibelle makes some friends!

- Angry zombies storm the castle!

- News from the home front!

- And will I succeed in making a Legacy Greek House?

STAY TUNED!