he has a face like a saint - a saint bernard. - unknown

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.Bernard.

- - UnknownUnknown

Sometimes the road less traveled Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reasonis less traveled for a reason

-Jerry Seinfeld-Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't convince them, confuse If you can't convince them, confuse them.them.

- - President Harry S TrumanPresident Harry S Truman

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.ages between five and twelve.

- - George Nathan on George Bernard George Nathan on George Bernard ShawShaw

It's only when you look at an ant It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. often they burst into flames.

-- -- Harry HillHarry Hill

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.ages between five and twelve.

- - George Nathan on George Bernard George Nathan on George Bernard ShawShaw

I either get what I want or I change I either get what I want or I change my mind.my mind.

-- Dreams For An Insomniac -- Dreams For An Insomniac

I like long walks, especially when I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who they are taken by people who

annoy me.annoy me.-- Fred Allen-- Fred Allen

A synonym is a word you use when A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first you can't spell the word you first

thought of.thought of.-- Burt Bacharach -- Burt Bacharach

Those who cannot remember Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time the past will spend a lot of time

looking for their cars in mall looking for their cars in mall parking lots.parking lots.

-- Jay Trachman-- Jay Trachman

The first sign of maturity is the The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob discovery that the volume knob

also turns to the left.also turns to the left.-- Jerry M. Wright-- Jerry M. Wright

Cleaning your house while your Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like kids are still growing is like

shoveling the walk before it stops shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.snowing.

-- Phyllis Diller-- Phyllis Diller

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.missing a couple of car payments.

-- Flip Wilson-- Flip Wilson

I never know whether to pity or congratulate a I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.man on coming to his senses.

-- William M. Thackeray-- William M. Thackeray

If you read a lot of books, you're considered If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're

not considered well-viewed.not considered well-viewed.-- Lily Tomlin-- Lily Tomlin

Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.head or its point.-- Douglas Jerrold-- Douglas Jerrold

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.bringing a change of underwear.

-- Woody Allen-- Woody Allen

Murphy's Sixth Law:Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a there are four possible ways in which a

procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly

develop.develop.

I would like to find a stew that will give me I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o heartburn immediately, instead of at three o

clock in the morning.clock in the morning.-- John Barrymore-- John Barrymore

You know you're getting older when the You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.candles cost more than the cake.

-- Bob Hope-- Bob Hope

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.the lowest crime rates in the country.

-- Marion Barry-- Marion Barry

Books serve to show a man that those original Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.thoughts of his aren't very new after all.

-- Abraham Lincoln-- Abraham Lincoln

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll will just lay down on some seaweed and roll

around in it until he's completely draped in it. around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.

-- Jack Handey-- Jack Handey

I can resist everything except temptation.I can resist everything except temptation.-- Oscar Wilde-- Oscar Wilde

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.and I don't deserve that either.

-- Jack Benny -- Jack Benny

Bumper StickerBumper Sticker

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one. including this one.

- Anonymous- Anonymous

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.what else is on TV.

-- Jerry Seinfeld-- Jerry Seinfeld