healing conflicts & restoring relationships a continuing education seminar for lay health...

Healing Conflicts & Restoring Relationships

A Continuing Education Seminarfor Lay Health Promoters in collaboration with

Crossover ClinicNovember 7, 2009Inez Tuck, RN, PhD

Positive Outreach Ministrieswww.positiveoutreach.com

Goals of the Presentation: Describe the healing process. Discuss forgiveness from multiple

faith traditions. Explore the role of forgiveness in

reconciliation. Practice the benefits of

forgiveness for one’s personal life and relationships.

Thoughts about Healing Comes from the word “haelen” which

means wholeness; to be whole. Means having a healthy body, mind

and spirit. Requires a life that is balanced. Self-healing is the process to learn. Others can create the environment for

healing to occur.

Conflicts in Relationships Conflicts occur when there are

differences in: – Opinions– Attitudes– Values and standards– Acceptable behaviors– Desires, motivation, and intent – Power and position status

Definitions

Forgive – to give up resentment; to cease to feel resentment against another.

Forgiveness – willingness or being able to forgive; allowing room for human error or weakness.

Merriam Webster Collegiate Dictionary, 2007

Definition of Forgiveness

“(a) Forgiveness is the acknowledgment of a wrongful act, injustice or deliberate effort to cause harm or pain and (b) the purposeful response to ameliorate the hurtful situation by moving on or letting go of the associated feelings and thoughts (memories) and/or (c) relieving others of judgment and blame.”

Tuck, 2006

Definitions of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is taking seriously the awfulness of what has happened when you are treated unfairly. It is opening the door for the other person to have a chance to begin again. Without forgiveness, resentment builds in us, a resentment which turns into hostility and anger. Hatred eats away at our well-being.”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa, 1995

Summary Points

Human frailty is universal – found in every society across all time.– Immoral acts– Illegal acts– Sinful acts

Responses to these acts with forgiveness are universal as well.

Universality of Forgiveness

Forgiveness in Monotheistic Religions (one God)

Forgiveness in Eastern Thought Forgiveness in secular terms –

i.e., “accident forgiveness” Forgiveness in judicial/legal terms

Islam

God promise you His forgiveness and bounties.

Islam, Qur’an 2.268

And who shun the more heinous sins and abominations; and who, whenever they are moved to anger, readily forgive.

Islam, Qur’an 42:37

Christianity

I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.

Isaiah 43:45

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.

Luke 11:4

Forgive our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

Matthew 6:12

Christianity

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:31-32

Judaism

Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) are days or prayer and penitence.

Specific religious practices for dealing with forgiveness and atonement.

Eastern Thought

Buddhist thought relates forgiveness to love, acceptance, and freedom from suffering.

Hinduism asserts absolution across past, present and future lives. Shama or forgiveness is seen with intent or motivation.

Taoism encourages harmony with others;

“ I have forgiven their transgression” Quote from Tract of the Quiet

Way.

Why Forgiveness?

We should do it for moral, ethical reasons

Forgiving creates positive emotions within both parties

Supports our values and beliefs Strengthens one’s faith in God Decreases negative emotions of

depression, bitterness, and anxiety Channels positive feelings into the

environment – universe – world peace Empowers and restores relationships

The work of Forgiveness and Healing Begins

with YOU!

Sometimes we ask for ForgivenessO merciful God,I have acted out of fear and hurt others;I have compromised my values;I have abandoned my friends;I have chosen a path of betrayal;I have place my needs above others;I have taken others for granted; I’m not worthy of your graceBut ask for your forgiveness.

Tuck (2005), To Err is Human, p.16

Sometimes we require Forgiveness from Others I have been wronged Or hurt Or treated badly.

The COPE Model Learning to Forgive

Claim It! Own It! Plan It! Enact It!

© A Path to Forgiveness, Tuck (2007)

The COPE Model

Forgiveness

Claim It!

Own It!

Plan It!

Enact It!

Step #1 Call It! Claim It! Acknowledge the hurtful

event– What is the offense?– Who was involved?– Is this a minor infraction or a major

violation?– What is the nature of the hurtful

event?

Examples of 16 Hurtful Situations Feeling betrayed Being violated Experiencing a physical violation Feeling disrespected Feeling Undervalued or unappreciated Holding a grudge Your confidence is broken Being lied to or lied about

Being taken advantage of Being abandoned Feeling neglected Being humiliated or shamed Invasion of privacy Your identity stolen Being Cheated Feeling Misunderstood

Call It! Claim It!(Your work)

Briefly describe the hurtful event (2-3 sentences)

Step # 2 - Own It!

This critical phase is recognizing and accepting your response to the hurt. –How did you respond? –What level of hurt?–Minor slight or life changing?–What feelings remain?

Own It! (Your work)

Briefly describe your response to the event. – Identify 2-3 predominant feelings.

“Own” your response whatever it is!– “Wrestle with emotions, thoughts,

and visceral response.”– Defer making a judgment or

rationalization.

Own It!

Through self reflection and discernment

reach a “tipping point”

Decide to Forgive

Step #3 Plan It!

– A thoughtful, rational process–What do I want to accomplish? –How do I achieve it?– Is the person available?–Are face-to-face interactions

desired?– Is an apology or contrition

required?

Plan It!

An intuitive and introspective process–The “right thing” to do– A moral requirement–A religious preference–Guided by your heart and not

your head

Plan It! (Your work)

What steps will you take in your situation?– List 2-3 ideas– Are they achievable?– Are you willing to do them?

3 Prong Process of Forgiveness1. Offering an apology, sharing our

remorse and regret with others and asking others to forgive you.

2. Feeling violated and asking others to make amends and offer an apology and then forgive them.

3. Coming to terms with and accepting and offering forgiveness.

Step #4 - Enact or Do It!

Forgiving is challenging It is possibly outside of your

comfort zone It requires risk taking Includes your support system Requires personal

commitment

Enact It!

While you are forgiving yourself or others:– Show empathy and compassion– Stay focused on your intent to

continue the process to completion– Use the legal system or mediation as

needed– Implement self-care activities– Attempt reconciliation of

relationships

Enact It!

After forgiving– Use coping strategies (what do you

do now?)– Begin the process of healing that will

take time depending on the hurt– Practice self-love and positive

affirmations– Seek peace and comfort in your faith – Seek professional counseling if

needed

Enact It!

Words of Wisdom!Release the hurt and FORGIVE!

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.

--Lewis B. Smedes

Benefits of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is a way to let go of spiteful emotions and painful memories in order to create more space. Forgiveness allows me to worry less. In letting go of resentments, space is created and joy can come in. Out of emptiness, positive feelings grow. Space is an opportunity to create anew.”

Tuck, To Err is Human, 2005

Resolve your Conflicts Restore Relationships Key Points! You must decide:

– When should you end the conflict?– Why restore the relationship?– How to restore the relationship?– When to restore the relationship?– When is it best to walk away from a

relationship?– What type of relationship matters?

Personal? Work related? Church related?

Summary

Recognize the conflict and try to

resolve it.

Start doing your “Forgiveness

Work” using the COPE Model

Then restore your relationships and

begin to heal.

Final Words! St. Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.... May you be content knowing you are a child of God.... Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Amen.

INEZ TUCK © 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PERMISSION TO USE OR DISTRIBUTE THIS DOCUMENT OF ANY PART OF THE DOCUMENT MUST BE GRANTED BY THE AUTHOR.

THANK YOU!