hikki no nikki.pdf

HikkinoNikki

HeyreaderandwhoI'dliketocallafriend,thisisReikul.I'matwentyoneyearoldfemalewhoselifeisthatofahikikomori.Areyouoneaswell?That'dbenice;Isomehowmadeafriendinthisstate.Iwonderwhatyourstoryis.Idon'tthinkthisisthelifeformehonestly but I can't seemyself anyother way.Whywould I evensay this, well, yourexpectationsofmeshouldbequitelowbutIwouldn'tputmyselfinsuchaway.Apridefulhikikomori,itfigures,right?

Here'smystory,putshortlyofcourse,thisisbutadiarybutIfeelIshouldclarifythingsup.I'mnotlazy,I'mnotevenapessimist,albeitmypastisnotthegreatest,I'mstillproudofitifitmademewhoIamnow.Yet,I'mahikikomori.

AtschoolIdidconsiderablywell,Iwasalwaysthoughtofasaclevergirl,evenifmygradeswouldnotshowit attimes.Beinginterestedindifferentstuff iswhatmademeclever,hehe.RarelydidIeverinteractwithotherkidsmyage,I'davoiditeven,andthus,friendshavebeenkepttoaminimum.Foryoutobereadingthis,youknowwhatImean,right?Iwasafterall,aclevergirl.Yet,I'mahikikomori!

Athomeisasyou'dexpectfromanormalgirl.Itwasn'tthebestofplacesnorwasittheworst.Ihadmytrustycomputerwithmyinternetcamaraderiebackingmeup.Iwashappy.AmIstillhappy...notquite.Iam,afterall,ahikikomori.

AsforReikulherself,whoisshe?She'sthisintrovertedyethonesttomboy.Atleastfromwhatshecouldexpressonline.Alwayslovedvideogamesanddrawingsinceanearlyage.Acutekid,wouldhaveabunchofguysfawningoverhereventhoughhersocialanxietywouldn'thaveanyofthat.Shehasbipolardisorderandlikelymoreasfarasshecouldtellbyherself.ExpressingherselfAFKwasn'therbest,shejustmanagedtopassoutasanintrovert.Havingmentioneddrawing,shehasthisdream.She'swantedtobeacomicsartistforalongtimenow,she'sevenworkedforittoo...byherself.

Whichiswhy,she'sahikikomori.

Andthisisherdiary.

DAY 1

Myroomsnothingspecial.Theresmyvideogames,mangaandbooksarsenalbythedoor;followedupbytheclosettoitsrightthatgoestothewall.Itsarathersmallroom.Abedanditsrespectivebedsidecabinets,then,atacorner,theresthedeskmycomputersitsupon,scatteredwithbooks,drawingmaterialandotherlitteraboveit.Youcansayitswheretheactionhappensincludingtheplatformwherethisdiaryistakingplace.

AstowhyImwritingthisinthefirstplace,itisntbecauseIhadsomesortofepiphanyorforanoblereasonsuchastospreadawarenessofthehikikomorilifestyle.Norisitforsomethingasgreedyaswantingtocashinwithsomesortofpanderingasyoureabletotellbymyfreedistributionofthiswork.Idontconsiderthisanentertainmentbyanymeansnorwanttoshowmyselfoff,Ijusthavethetimeandskillsatmydisposition.Imusingthem.

Asyoucanexpectofadayinthis lifestyle, itsuneventful. Havingdonenothingbutlayingonmybedwithmycat,nothinghashappened.Soaspersomesortofobligationtomyself,Igotothecomputer,inordertoamusethetimeIhaveatmydisposal.Indeed,time has been killed, having nothing achieved. I have but searched the internet forsomethingthatisntsearchable.Lurkingwhatthereistolurk.

Withthatoutoftheway,IproceedtodowhatIvedonebest.Ivedrawnsinceayoungage,gettingpraisesincethosetimes.Werethatenoughtoguaranteemegoodtimes,Idbeinamuchbetterstanding.Ijustdrawasmymoodscompelmeto,whichyoudbeabletotellfromtheexpressionsthesedrawingsget,andtobehonest,Ihavethatlingeringhopeofseeingmyworksinthestands.OfbeingthecomicbookartistIvesetontobe.ImayaswellbedeadwithoutitSoIlldraw.Andkeepondrawing,eventhoughIcannotbreakthroughmyrestrictionsbindingmefromwithin,fornothavingbeenlecturedproperlyonmasteringmyartduringthoseschooldays.Forbeingunabletojoinanypossibleartcoursetosharpenmyskills.Asmysocialskillshavebutdeterioratedfurtherandfurtherawayfromthenormalstandards.Whichbringmebacktotherealitythatmydrawingshaventshownanyprogressfromonepointonwards

Iendmyfirstdaysentrywithwateryeyes.

DAY 2

Idontintendtoboreyouwiththiswork,notevenIconsidermyselfuninteresting.Youdbesurprisedtoknowofmysortofselfesteem.Ishouldfillyouinmoreaboutmystatusthough.Idontlivebymyself,butwithmymotherandlittlesister.Idontbotherthemandtheydonotbotherme.Ikeepupwiththisstatusquothankstomymothersrecognizingofmy ineptitude to function in society and in hopes of getting an appropriate job offersometimesoon, having set myself as available at the job center. Andof course, hermotherlyloveformewhichIreallycherish.

NaturallyIfeellikeaburden,nowayIcanprideonthat.BestIcandoisdrawandsoIvedonetoday.PartingfromwhereIleftoffyesterday,frombasicallynaught.Ipickupmypencilandsetuptheplatformformysketchbook.

Iusuallydrawcharacters,eithermyownorfromotherworksIhadrecentlyenjoyed.Idrawtheminallsortsofposesandexpressions,whatevermymoodwillsmeto.ItworksasanemotionaloutletasImportrayingwhatIdliketophysicallydoorexpress.IvetakenalikingtoKanekifromTokyoGhoulsoImdrawingjusthim.IwontspoilathingbutImdrawingoneofthepagesinmyownfashionanditsturningoutsurprisinglywell!Imnotsureofwhatstriggereditinme,butImtakingawholenewapproachtodrawing.Wasitmyrecognizingofmysituationthatsubconsciouslyforcedmetokickmygearsup?ItsgivingmeaconsiderableamountofhopeforwhatIcandofromnowon,asitlooksgoodandinawaythatfitsmyartstyle.

Imgoingtoindulgeindrawingabitmore,havingsuchahighstrideinmyfavor.

Ivedrawntwopages,bothlookingreallygood,however,itstakenatoll onmeandfeelingtired,yetnotenoughtobringmetosleep.IshouldintroduceyousomeonewhosbeenfollowingmyactionsbesidemefromthestartthenamesNiinee.Hedoesnotsharemyphysicalrealmyethespresentinmylife.HetookupthatnameandhasaffirmedhimselfinmylifeeversinceIdontknowwhen.Icanttalkmuchofhimashesbeenreadingthis,andsocanhefollowmythoughtprocess.I talktohim,hetalkstome.Iappreciatehim,albeitparanoidashecanget.

SelfawareasIvealwaysbeen,IknowmyselftobesanebutyoumaywonderwhymyinteractionswithNiinee(withnooffensetohim).Itssimpleenough;Iseenowrongindoingso.

Ididendupfallingasleep,havinggottenimmersedwithtalkingtohim.

DAY 3

ItalkabouteverythingmymindbrowsesthroughwithNiinee,notonlyisheparanoidbutverypesky,questioningeveryactionandthoughtofmine.IcantjustupandquotethelatesttalkIhadwithhim,asImsimplyincapableof.Butatleastyougettoknownow,theeditorofsortsofthisdiary.

IkindoffeelanobligationtodosomethinginordertoentertainmyfellowreaderGoingoutside?No,firstoff,Imusttellyoumysocialanxietyisstillprevalent.Actually,likelyworsethanwhenitfirstmanifested.Atonepointduringmylongerthanaveragehighschoollife,Idskipclassesorsufferthroughtheirentirety,onlytorunbackhomewhichwasnearthatoneschool,whilehauntedbytheblazingsunonmyback.

ItwasmythirdattemptatahighschoolcoursethatIdresonatewith.FirstoffwasthetypicalforanysmartkidSciences.IhonestlyhavenoideawhatIcouldmakeoftakingthatcourse,Ididnthavetoowellofagrasponmypathatthattime,yousee.Iwasgoingwiththestream.Ittookmeonemonthtowitnessthatthestreamwasnotmeantforme.Nextup,ItookupElectronicsasanoldfriendofminewasthereandhedsaygoodthingsaboutit.FollowingthroughwiththatcoursewouldveprobablyensuredmesomejobIdbeverydispleasedlivingwithanddespitebeingwiththatoldfriend,therelationshipcouldntevermature.It wasbutashallowrelationship,yet its whatyoushouldexpect fromafriendshipAFK.

Thirdtimesthecharm,sotheysay.Havingstrayedofffromthestreamcompletelybylosingayearhoppingaroundcourses,IrollwithitandtakeupArts.Followingmypassiondespitethelowlikelihoodofgettingajobwithit,atleastbythenIstartedtogetabettergrasponmylife.WhatImentionedabove,theanxietyhittingme?Itwashere.Iwasaboutdone with school, the other judgmental kids, the uncaring teachers, the unnecessarysubjectswedbesubduedtofollowthroughandtheproductivityIcouldachieveatleastasmuchathome.Idroppedout.Icouldnttakeanymoreofit.ItwasthefirsttimeIbecameahikikomori,attheageofseventeen.

Hellbrokelooseonme.

Claimsof insanity raineddownonme, tormented tobecomenormal, world turnedagainstme,gettingtorelyonlyontheworldresidinginmeandtheinternet.Escapismmethodsreigned.Paranoiathrived.ItwashardformymothertoacceptIcouldnotlivethenormallifeyoudexpectfromadaughter.DisappointmentwasapparentbutIjusthadtoendureitthrough.WhatelsecouldIdo?Iwasawareofthesituation;mymindwasalreadyhavingitbadenough.Yetmoreunreasonablementalloadswouldpileuponme.Iclosedmyselfinmyroom.Theinternetwas,andstillis,myworld.

So rather than go outside, Ill venture through the internet and report my journey

throughoutit.

I wassayingearlier howI wanted to do something to amusebothyouandmeHoweveritsnotlikeIcancomeacrossaMisakilaSatouTatsuhiro.Manyarethosethatawaitonetoentertheir lives.Asforme,Idontcareall toomuchforthatrelationshipbusinesseventhoughIdowelcomefriendsformyranks.Andtodosomethingexcitingoutoftheinternet,andmostofall,outofthebluelikethis,thisisnoeasytask,letmetellyou!

Iendedupcontributingonvariousforumsandimageboards.Indeed,thatstheexcitingeventImanagetodelivertoyou.Permynature,Icanonlylurkinthreads,alltooanxiousthatifIweretopost,fearingwhattheotherscouldsayaboutmycontributionreallyshutsmedown.Despitetakinganotheridentityorevennoneatall,thefactisthattheirwordsaretargetedatmycontentandthathurtsme.Hikikomoriareaboutdonewithgettinganymorehurt,youknow?

WhileIwasinthedaredevilspirit,IalsowentandtalkedtopeopleinmyfriendslistonvariousplatformsthatIhaventtalkedtoinverylong.Pokingatthem,tryingtogettoknowhowtheyareandwhattheyvebeenupto.Theresults:uncaring,indifferentresponses,somesimplyboringtotalktoandignoredbyothers.AndIwouldwonderwhyIdonttalktothesepeople.Hey,atleastIgotsomethingdoneoutofthatthoughremovedthemfromthislistthatsdesignatedforsaidfriends.

Illgoaboutmyactualfriendssomeothertime.Fornow,allthathightensionactiontiredmeoutplusallthiswritinghasmeneedingtorest.ButnotbeforeIplaywithmycatandhearwhatNiineehastosayaboutthisentry.

DAY 4

AaahI really did it yesterday, all that posting andmessagingabout is getting itsrepercussions.Whydidyouremoveme?andrepliestomypostswhilegettingquoted,albeitasfewastheyare,plaguemywakingup.ThethingsIdoforart!Haha,Ikid.

Althoughtobehonest,Ididnotexpectthatpersonmessagingmeabouttheremoval.Thispersonfitintothosethatignoredmesoguilttripiskickingin.Asforthefewpoststhatrefertomeinthevariousforums,Illmanage.Honestycomesinhandyinsituationslikethesewhen it helpsmebreeze through thequestionsanddoubtsplacedontomebysimplybeingmyself.Itacklethemheadon.

Now,forthepersonthatreaddedmeIdontreallyknowmuchaboutthem.Weaddedeachotherfromanationalforum,onlytonevertalksincethen.ThisforumsonNEETsandprettyinactiveifIhavetosayso.Wonderingwhytheyrebotheringtogetincontactagainwithsomeonetheydidnteventalkto.WellIllacceptandapologizeforstarters.

He apologizes in return as well. He did not ignore me but was simply caught insomething else when I approached him, heres to me making a figure of a jerk!Somethingsoddthough.Despitemenotknowingathingabouthim;hedoesknowanawful lot about meOkay, granted that I do use the samenicknameall around theinternet, you mean to tell me theres someone who has been following it througheverywhereIveposted?Oithatsnotokay.Ishouldletyouinontheconversation.

LikeIsaid,Istartedbyapologizing,explainedmyselfoutandhebrusheditoffwithanItsalright,Iunderstand.Sofarsogood.YetIleakedmycuriosityandquestionedhimaboutwhythereadd.Idontevenremembermeandhimconnectingproperlyatanypointsodontblameme,alright?Hereshisanswer,Youcaughtmyinterest.What,howeven.Hewentontohintatthevariousthingsheknowsaboutme,rangingfromwhatIpostedinan obscure forum sometime ago, to the latest posts I did yesterday. He casuallymentionedoldfriendshipsIhadmadeintheinternetwhichIpersonallyended,eventsIneverevenmadea fussabout, andhe talkedabout themlike theyweresometrivialconversationmatter.ComparinghimselftothepeopleIremovedIrepeat,thatisNOTokay.

Ive even got Niinee unceasingly pestering me right now to remove him, howhesdangerous.SoIcantell,Niinee.Iknow,yetwhatsthispersonYouknowmetobewaytoocurious,howcanIignorethis.Itsforyourowngood,soyousay,NiineebutIcanonlyapologize.Idecidetofalldeeperintotherabbithole.

CallmePaladin.Well,pal,Iwasgoingtoeitherwaywiththatbeingyouralias.Alsohelpstoitthatyouhavearandompaladinimagefromtheinternetasyourdisplaypicture.Iquestionhimashowhashegatheredthatmuchinfoaboutme.Google.Wellthatwas

straightforwardenough. It somehowbothersmethat someonehasbeengoogling thisReikulfornoapparentreasonthough.Awkwardly,IaskhimforsomemoreinfoabouthimselfIcantellyouthis,ImjustyouraverageJoewithaccesstotheinternet...butyouwontbuythat,willyou?

StalkingsomeonerandomlyfromtheinternetisntsomethinganaverageJoewoulddo;IdrathercallhimacreepyJoe.ButIholdbackonthatremark.Instead,demandingmorefromhim.

Itoldyou,Reikul,youcaughtmyinterest.Forawhilenow.WhenyoupostedaboutbefriendingpeopleasaNEET,thatreallytouchedme.Sorryfornotlettingyouknow,youmustvebeenlonely.Imnotverygoodatpostinginforums.Butnowweknoweachother,Imreallygladforthat.

IwantedtotypesomethingbutIwasatalossforwhattosendexactlywhenhesendsPleasedontleaveme,IhopeyouknowIwontleaveyoueither.Gotit?

AmassiveheadacheoverwhelmedmeandIhadtoleavethecomputer,layingonmybedallcrunchedup.AllthewhileNiineegoingalloutonme:Itoldyou,Itoldyou,Itoldyou,Itoldyou.AwhilehaspassedwithmedoingnothingbuthavingmymindgonutsaboutthisPaladin.ImgoingtotryandgetsomesleepIllfacethiscreeplater

HavingwokenupwithremaininghoursforDay4,guessIneedtoresumewritinghereUghithurtstoreadandrecallwhatthisdaysbeendoingtome.Anyway,IdidntspecifyforhowlongIdbegoingwiththisdiary,Illtellyounowideally,oneweek.Goingforalongtimewouldjustbesilly,followingthroughwhatahikki(inthiscase,me,totopitoff)doesforsolong.Anyway,thegameplan.ImgoingtotalkwiththoseIcancalltruefriendsofmine.Imentionedthempreviouslybutdidntgointoit,Iwillnow.

DAY 5

WhileIvebefriendedmanypeopleovertheseyearsintheinternet,mytrustiestandmostpersonalfriendshavebeentheselastIvemade.ImetthemthankstothisthreadIstartedatanimageboard.Theintentionwasgatheringpeopleforagroupconversationbasedonthecommunitythethreadwassetin.WhileIdidgetmanypeopleaddedtothegroup,passingthroughmyfriendslist,onlythreepeoplereallygottostickwithme.Soastofiltertherestoutinordertotalkwiththesethreeonly,agroupwascreatedconsistingofusfourandnomore.IwentstraighttothepointPaladin.

Instantly,removehimcamepouringinrapidsuccession.DumbasswasspoutedfromNiineejustnow,thanksNiinee.Backtothegroupchat,guessitswhatyoudexpectfromworriedfriends,franticallytellingmetogetridoutofthatwhichtroublesme.Removeandforget.Toocreepyforme.Whatthehell.AndImcompletelywiththem!IsaidIwouldremovehim,butIdidnt.Well,Icouldnt,tobeprecise.ThewordshitmebackwhencheckingagainonthechatwindowwithhimIhopeyouknowIwontleaveyoueither.Somethinginmetellsmeremovingthisguylikethiswontdoanygood.Sorry,guys,Ineedtodealwiththismoreproperly.

Hey.Sohegreetsme.Iseeyoureonlineforabitnow.Askasmanytimesasyouwant,Ijustdontknowwhatthisguyis.Yourekeepingme,arentyou?

Letsavoidblowingthingsoutofproportionbutinstead,putthisinarealisticway,shallwe?ImetthisguyinthisnationalNEETforumwehave.Thereareguysouttherereallydesperateforgirlfriends(forreasonsunknown).Thisguycanbejustoneofthem.Thisguyalsoseeshimselfasapaladin,mustbesomeonewhoplaystoomanyMMORPGs.ThenthereshisremarkablyoverwhelmingstalkingifIsaysomyself.Now,asforthisfascinationonmeImahikikomorigirlwhousesthesameusernameeverywhereeasytargettosnoopabout.Ihaveafairlycharmingpersonalitytoboot,Isuppose,thatshouldkeephimentertainedenoughinhisendeavors.SoIcansayIvegotthiswellreasonedoutbynow:theguysaloserthatdesperatelywantsafriendandIjusthappenedtobetheperfecttargetforhim.Nousefrettingaboutthisanymore,nomatterhowcreepyhischoiceofwordshasbeenthusfar.Okay!Withthatsettled,guesstheresreallynoharmtocomeoutofthisandIdontwanttodealwiththistypeofpersonanymoreso

Yeahabout that, sorrybut I can't keepyouaround.Good luck in lifeandall that.Aaaandwiththat,Iremovedhimandblockedhimforallthatisholy.Icouldjustseehimcomingbacklikeaboomerang.

Well,thislittleeventgotmecarriedawayfromwritingyourregularhikkisdiary.Ineedtowatch anime, read some manga and go on a chain of checking random videos torejuvenatemyselfofsorts.Tobringbackthatpeaceofmindandtranquility,Icanreallyuseitrightnow.

ButIendedupjustfallingasleep.Thatworks.

It is now the afternoon, having mentioned doing things out of the ordinary, there'ssomethingIhadleftpendingforfartoolong,it'sjustbecometoonoticeablenowthatI'vestrayed myattention off certain applications' content and started relying more on theinterfaceofmycomputer.It isthetaskofchangingmyOperatingSystem,I'vehadaninterestinoneoftheLinuxdistributionsforalongtimeandeverythingitstandsfor,really.ButI'mgonnaspareyouofthetechnicalhardshipsIjustwentthroughasIspentanentiredaytogeteverythingupandrunning,includingalltheapplicationsIneed,plus,thisisn'tsomeOSmanualfeaturingReikul'stestimony.Whatmattersisithasallhasbeenworthit,forthiswillbemynewbattlefield.

While rereading this file, I caught that I wrote at onepoint how I first becameahikikomori.Correct,meaningthere'sasecondtimethepresent.Asforwhattranspiredinbetweenthesetwowithdrawals,Iwentbacktoschool.

DAY 6

Firstoff,IspenthalfayearasahikikomorithefirsttimearounduntilIfoundthisoneschool.Havingalreadymentionedsomeofwhattranspiredduringthisparticularstage,it'sworthpointingoutwhatIdiddoasahikki.Ikickedoffthattimeofsocialwithdrawalhavinggottenagrasponmypathofwhat Iwantedandneededtodo inmy life, ironicallyenough. This came with the assistance of the manga Bakuman which helped metremendously.Iowemylifetoit,ifIamtobehonest.GavemethemotivationanddrivetodowhatIneededtodo:notstopdrawing,northeresourcesgathering,muchlesswriting.Basically,tokeepthethoughtprocessflowing.AndsoIdidduringthosetimes,wheneverIwasn'tbeingplaguedwithdepressionorresortingtomyhobbiestogetbysane.Tillthisday,I'vekeptmybrainintheactiveandsoI'llremainformoretocome.HavenochoicebuttoandIenjoydoingsoafterall.

Oneday,mymotherfoundthisgreatlyacclaimedhighschoolforme,nomonthlyfee,onlychoosingfromthosethatdowellintheentranceexamswhichformeshouldbeawalkintheparkthen.AsforthepathIstartedforeseeing,itinvolvedhelpingmydadoutwithhisaudiorelatedjoboffershegets.MyparentsaredivorcedbutI'mfortunateenoughtokeepcontactwithboth inmy life. Backontrack, thecourse in thehighschoolmymotherfoundwasrelatedtosuchjoboffers,itwasanAudiovisualscoursewhichwouldopenevenmoreopportunitiesforme.

Havingpassedtheentranceprocedures,donetheregularisolationmethodstokeepmesafe, I startedgettingreally accustomedto theenvironment there. The teacherswerefantastic (most, that is, others I'd have some rebellious fits, hehe), and so were myclassmatesprettygreatdespitemebeinginvolvedwiththemfromafar.Itwasthiscozyenvironmentthatwasacceptingandcaringforall,includingevenme.Havingsparedyouofsomestuffalready,willalsospareyoufromtoomuchbraggingaboutit.Thingis,theyallreallyhelpedmegrowemotionally,sociallyandpersonally.WereInothavetakenthatcourse,I'dhavecertainlytumbleddownintoaslipperyslopeofshuttingmyselfoffmoreandmorefromtheworldandthingswouldbefarmoregrim,asitistoexpectfromcasesofhikikomori.Asyouknow,thereisonlyonewayintotheabyss.

Yet,I'mbacktobeingahikikomori.Forayearnow.Ohwell.

I wasgoing towrite theusual shenanigansof thedaybut thisonedeliveryarrivedspecificallyforme.Ihaven'torderedanythingsothisissurprising,evenmoresowiththeletterattachedYouwantedthis,didn'tyou?Asforwhereit'scomingfrom,it'sstraightfromaninternationalvideogamestoreWhy.

It'sthecollector'seditionofFinalFantasyXI.Ihaveseriousmixedfeelingsaboutthis.WhileI'mutterlyoverjoyedfromsuchadeliverytome,whyamIevenreceivingitinthefirstplace?Andwhowouldgiftittome,knowingthatIreallydidwantthisgame?Thenthere'sknowingmyaddress.You'redonefor!!!Niineeisfranticallymoreparanoidthanever.Youdon'tthinkthisisPaladin'sdoingdoyou?NoneofmyclosefriendsknowofwhereIlivecalmdown.Thisisreallylowofmebutthesituationcallsforit,Ihaveto.I'maddinghimbackandaskhimifheknowsmyaddress.

Iseeyou'vegotmypresenttoyounow.RightonthemarkWhatnow,whatnow,WHATNOW.HeknowswhereILIVE!InnowaycanIhidemystateofpanic,Ijustcan't.Howintheeverythingdoesheeven,how,why.

Ididnothideitinmytypingtohimeither.Idemandedananswerforthis.Immediately.

Areyounotaware,thisistheinternet?Thissuchplaceisincredible,thisisfreedom.Youshouldknow,you'veconductedmetowhereyoulive.Youprovideyourfullnameforwebsiteswithdeliverysystems.Youhavehintedatthedistrictyouliveinoncealreadyduringthistradeofcommentswithsomeoneelse.Fromthereitissmoothsailingforme.Isanythingthematter?DidIdoanythingwrong?

More importantly, what was that about being unable to keep me around? Amisunderstanding?

Berational,Reikul.What'stheworsthecandowithsuchinformationalot.

Inmynervouswreckofastate,Ihavetotakethebullbythehorns.

Whatdoyouwantfromme?Forsomereasontearsarecomingfromme.Mybodywon'tstopshakingeither

IfIwantsomething?I'mnotdemandinganything,yourpresenceisgoodenough.

Isthisfearturningintoanger?OristhehatredIhaveforthispersonoverwhelmingtheanxiety?Still,Ineedtoconveythiscalmly.Ican'taffordtoprovokehim.

Canyoupleaseleavemealone,Ithankyouforthegamebutplease,Icannottakethispressureofyoursonme.Gofindsomeoneelsethat'dwelcomeyourways,thatsomeoneisnotme.AndIbegofyou,donotusemyaddressanymore.You'vedoneenoughtome.

Hmm...Afterwhatseemedawholelottome,hewentbacktotyping.Howaboutwemeetupsomewhere?

Noway.

ButIcan'tjustupandsaythatsoinstead,Why?.Needtoknowthisguy'sintentionsdespitelikehellwouldImeetupwithsomeonelikethis.

Well,Idonotlivetoofarawayfromthere.Wehavenothingtolosefromiteither,andI

don'twanttomentionitbutyoudon'thavemuchroomavailabletoobjectnow,Ithink...

Youprick!Wait.Holdonasecond,ifIamtotakethisinacertainwayIcanworkthisout.Yes!It'snotlikeIhavetofacethisonmyown,Icangetthepolice'ssurveillanceonthisandhavethemmonitorme.Thatwouldkeepmesafe,theywouldarresthim.Thishastobeinvasionofprivacyorsomething,nowaycanstalkersgounpunished,right?

Wheredoyouwanttomeet?

Havingplannedwheretomeetandhowtoidentifyhim,he'llbetheonereadingmangaat thiscaf conveniently located in thesamebuildingasmyapartment. Hesaidhe'drecognizemesoIneedn'tmentionanythingaboutmecreep.Thetimetomeethasalsobeenconvenientlyarrangedinordertonothaveanyoneelsearoundhavingitsetfor4pm.

Don'tcareformuchofthat,I'mmostpreoccupiedwithcontactingthepolicetosecuremysafety.I'llhavetotalkonthephonewithsomeoneandexplainthisstupidsituationIhopetheyunderstand.

I'mfortunate,theydid.Hardasitwastoconveythough,andtotalkonthephone.Ontowhatmatters,someonewillbedispatchedtothesamecafbythattime,aplainclothespoliceman.I'mrelieved.Andquitehonestly,readytofacethisstalker.Haven'ttoldyouyet,thisishappeningtomorrow.Hejustsohappenstolivedistrictsawayfrommeandhe'sgoingthedistance.Toomuchcommitment,it'sridiculous.

Longdaytoday,andwhoknowswhatawaitsmetomorrow.Somuchforyourregulardiary.Paladinhere'sgrabbingallthatspotlightbutcoincidentally,I'llbeabletofinishthisdiarywithsomekindofclosure?Weirdwaytolookatit.Guessit'smetakingsomebenefitoutofthissituation,whichremindsme,I'vegotFinalFantasyXInowI'mgonnaplayit,uncaringaboutwho'sitfrom,it'sfreestuff!

DAY 7

Well,that'sPaladin,Iguess.Yeah,I'vemethim.Thisisareportforthedaythathasbeentoday.

Likeplannedbeforehandwiththepolicemanwho'dwatchoverme,wemetat3.30pm.Iindicatedeverythingtohim,presentingmyselfandthePaladinincasewhomIhadyettomeet.Heturnedoutreallysympatheticandunderstanding.Inhalfanhourwemetagain,thistimearoundwithoutevermakingcontact.TherewasnoneedformetotrytospotPaladin out, he was by himself in the caf, among some old ladies enjoying theirconversationwhilehavingasnack,andthekindplainclothespoliceman,nowimmersedinhisownsnackandcars'magazine.Also,Paladindidgettoidentifymestraightaway.

Ah,you'reReikul,right?

Theguy...lookedsurprisinglywaymoredifferentthanIhadfirstimagined.Ihadpicturedhimassomecreepylooking,wayabovemyageunkemptdude,hewasn'tquitethat...Ican'tevenbegintodescribe,it'sbeensuchastupidday.Theguywasverywelldressed,allbrandedclothing,I'dfigure,slickcurlybrownhairandababyfaceplasteredwithanawkwardsmiletoboot.ThatistheoppositeofwhatsomeonewouldexpectfromaNEETstalker.Iwasbaffled,justhowcouldthisguy,hadbeendoingallthatintheinternetandtypingthatwaytome.Aslightheadacheshookmeup.Meanwhileinmymind,astreamofthewordsWhatgoingcrazy.Icouldonlysignalwithmyheadthathewascorrect.

Iwasalltooconfusedandflusteredwithwhatwasgoingon.Justwhatisthissituationplaguedme.But weordered thesnacks for us, mehavingsat silent for awhile andignoringwhateverhewassaying.Irecalledwhathadtranspiredbetweenussofar.Anditannoyedme.Ithadmewantingtosnapoutonhimforwhathe'sbeendoing.ButIcouldn'tmusteranystrengthtospeakup.

Whyareyoustalkingme?

Hescratchedhisnose,likeIhadaskedthemostfutileofquestions.Idon'tknow.

Enlightening.Then,wheredoyouwant togofromhere?Yougotmyaddress,youknowagoodchunkaboutmealready,whatareyougoingtomakeoutofit?

Yeahthat'swhereIwasgettingat,yousee,canyouteachmehowtofeelalive?Howto,likeyoumentionedinonepost,seizewhat'srightfullyyours,yourlifeandyourfuture!Butapplyingthattomycase.

Ipostedthatwithotheralias,deargoodness...Andwhat'smore,hasheforgottenI'ma

freakingshutin?Hewenton.

Youhave this, howdo I put it, fire (?) in you, it's admirable! I knowyou to be ahikikomori,butstill,Ithinkevenyourecognizeitinyourself,thatyoucandobetter.Andthatyouwilldobetter!I'mafanofyours!

Reminder how we did not once talk prior to the stalking shenanigans too. Theplainclothespolicemanglancedoveratusandraisedathumbsupasperasking if iseverythingokay.NotevenIknow,officer.I shruggedhelplessly inreturn.Paladinwasturnedtothe television in thecaf whileenjoyinghiscroissant leisurely, as if hewassatisfiedenoughwithmycompany,whichwasthecase,inalllikelihood.

Ah,that'sright,that'sright.Wheretogofromhere.Iwantyoutogivemeguidance.

Holdyourhorsesthere,pal.WhatifIdon't?

...Ididn'ttakethatintoconsideration.ButIcanbuyyoumorestuffifyouassistme!Unlessyou'resayingyoudon'twantanythingtodowithmenow.

Ugh,heknowsIcannotrefusethat.Notforthestuffhesayshe'llbuyformebutforthefactmerefusingtohelpsomeoneisunthinkable.I'mtiredenoughalreadytoo.

Whatever,wheredowestart?We'llkeepitshort.

Heshowedmejustthenthemostgenuinesmilethathecouldpulloff.I'vebeenabletotellonething,he'sharmless.Doesn'tmeanI'llletmyguarddown,buthemeansnoevilwithhisactions.Whichisstillquitethekickonme,givemesomespace.

Ihadyettogethisnamedespitehavingcomethatfar,soIasked.

Oh,sorry!Howrudeofme,I'mPaul.PaulAnthony,pleasuretomeetyou.

Yeah,yeah,eventhoughyouknowallaboutmealready.

Afterseeinghimwalkoffwhenweweredone,Iwalkedtothepolicemanwhohadmadehisverybesttogounnoticedwhilestillkeepingwatch.

Howdiditgo?

Iwentonapologizingformakinghimhavetolookoveruswhentherewasnoneedto,intheend,butIalsomadesuretothankhimforhavingdonesoasitdidgivemeasenseofsecurity.Hehastobethecoolestpolicemanthough,hewasgladenoughthatitwasafalsealarmandthatI'msafe.ButthenheleftmeoffwithDon'tyoumessitupwiththisguy,he'sprettycoolifyouaskme.Forgotaboutthefacthehadbeenstalkingmeforalongwhile,misterofficer?

Go for him! sohesaid when in the distance. Couldn't help but facepalm. Officer,please.

Forwhatweplannedattheend,hewantsmetoprovidehimlessonsonlivinguntilIdeemhe'sfine.Ihavemoreinstoretoteachthanjusthowtolive,likesomecommonsenseinthatheadwoulddohimwonders.Idon'tknowmuchabouthissituationbutIfigureIwillinthefuture.

AndthatwasitformyHikikomori'sDiary?No.Nowaythisisyourhikikomori'sdiary,Iapologizeforhavingstrayedofffromtellingyoumoreonthecaseofhikki,yet,Idon'tthinkI'mstoppingwritingatthispoint.

Well,Iamfromthisfileon.It'senoughdeviatingalready.That'swhyI'mtakingthistoawholenewfile.LookforwardtothesequelofwhateverthisisHikkinoTabi.TranslatingintoHikki'sJourneybecause,well,Ihaven'ttheslightestideaofwhat'sjustbeyondthispoint,yetthatdoesgivemesomeexcitementfortheunknown.

Thankyouverymuchforreading,Ihopeanythinginthishadyouderivesomekindofenjoymentoutofit.

Peaceoutandbecarefulwithstalkers!

Reikul

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