into the danger zone

Meet the founder!

Clementine Danger, no joke, is a real name of a real person (possibly a superhero) and now, the founder of a Sims

legacy! Romance is by far my favorite aspiration, but I’m not sure how well it fits into a legacy challenge, so we’ll just have

to see how this goes.

And here’s the Legacy House, or rather the Legacy Shack. If you’re wondering about the strangely located hedge, well…

I didn’t have room left for a bathroom.

Shut up. It’ll do.

Clementine wants to be an artist! Since she doesn’t have the “Pump out babies like a slutty rabbit” want, let’s focus on that

first. Because a woman is more than her uterus, legacy writers. A Sim has rights too. She chooses her career and I, for

one, applaud this and will do my best to make this happen for her, regardless of any time constraints or rules presented in

the legacy, because as a woman she is capable of more than…

Oh...

Right.

Never mind.

GAH!

It’s a trap! Don’t stand there swooning, you stupid cow! Run before he bashes your brains in!

What misogyny is this? I don’t remember installing a mod that enabled beating women with sticks.

No! It’s just a visitor playing with Legacy Puppeh! Or Boomer, as we’ll call him.

Boomer Danger. Taking an adorable nip out of crime. How pwecious.

Ah, feeding time at the barn, I see.

Yeah, I usually prefer neat sims, but it’s never a priority, so most of them end up behaving like they were raised in the

jungle. By platypusses… Platipy… Platipi…

Ugh. This is exactly why I don’t have a dog anymore. And in the middle of dinner too!

But I guess if I can’t handle one stinking dog, I definitely won’t be able to handle a legacy of retards. We’ll see.

Moving on!

Look who’s sneaking around outside the Legacy Shack!

It’s cool though. No sticks.

He’s cute. Nobody ever said you can’t combine a career with a bit of man-beef on the side. Clementine seems to like him

anyway.

What? This is new. Alright, sure, I’ll help you, I’m a nice person. What is it, like a juicer or a smoke alarm or…

JESUS SHITFUCK!

Sorry.

Okay… He gave me an 8000$ TV. I’m not sure what the dating etiquette is here. Where was he keeping that monstrosity

anyway? Is this cheating? I’m so confused.

Alright then, cool. Waste not, want not. Sell the useless TV and build a second story, add a little vegetable garden,

bedroom… Bathroom’s still outside though.

Shut up. I’m working on it.

Christ, what do you think this woman writes in her diary?

Dear Diary,

Today I arrived in my new town and I can’t remember anything from before, some strangers popped up in my yard and

tried to beat me with a stick, but it’s cool because I found him sneaking around my house later and he pulled a plasma TV

out of his pants and now I have a second floor. All in all, I’m a lucky girl

So the job hunt isn’t going so well. That’s the problem with having about 20 custom careers and all expansion packs;

finding the job you want in the newspaper can easily take weeks. So it’s off to the job board at the library!

You know, the local vintage cool Parisian-style café cum library.

What? Doesn’t your town have one of those?

No? Where do you buy your perfume and designer clothes then?

Weird.

New bedroom, courtesy of the handsome stranger. I love this bed, it’s so pretty and girly!

*Sigh*

Trouble in the bedroom aside, it’s time to get working on that artistic career. So, what did she choose to paint?

A… mudkip?

I think?

I have no idea, moving on!

I spot man-meat!

I never quite understood what having a lot of friends had to do with advancing your career, but in this case, I don’t mind so

much. I think I’ve found Clementine a partner. They get along great and he gives her expensive things. What more can

you ask for?

Even if he is a bit weird. Who storms outside in the middle of cuddletime to drop to the ground like a spaz and stick his

face in the flowerbed?

Oh dear. That’s not very dignified.

Then again, Clementine has fitness as a turn-on, so this might work out after all.

Ah, nothing like budding love over a game of soccer on TV. Curiously, she seems more interested in the match than he is.

I don’t mind, but the second I see a vuvuzela I’ll cram it down her throat, swear to god.

But romance will have to wait as Clementine has a career to pursue! Get up at 6am, pee in a bucket behind a hedge,

carpool to work with your colleague Dave who drives a shitty car and always smells vaguely of fries, it’s adulthood, baby!

And it probably doesn’t help when your goddamn pet rides a carriage to work.

Ouch.

All for the greater good though! Street caricaturist? How the hell do you go from “Canvas Stretcher” to that? How is that a

promotion? Did she quit her job at the canvas stretching factory and set up shop outside the gate to draw insulting pictures

of her boss?

This game makes no sense.

Oh well, at least there’s cheap food to be had. Clementine’s real interest is in Cuisine, but apparently planting some food

is sending her Nature enthusiasm through the fucking roof.

Bronze badge, huh? That’s nice. I just wanted some free tomatoes though.

SELL something? Fuck that. I’ll just wait until my dog comes home with a paycheck.

He’s in the Magic career track, by the way. Seeing what witches and wizards get up to in these games, I’m guessing it’s a

cute little occupation for a little puppy.

Damn. Okay, that’s… dark.

What is this, Season of the Witch?

No. Refuse. Don’t do it. NO MEANS NO!

Thank god.

Seriously, that was dark. Maybe he’d be better off as a seeing eye dog or something.

Okay, that’s good. But does he have his tail?

DOES HE HAVE HIS TAIL?!?!?

HE DOES!

Another exiting chapter in the life of the Danger family, and another happy ending! Isn’t this great? Aren’t you glad you

stuck with it?

Back to Clementine.

That’s nice, mister Rapist Moustache, BUT I JUST WANTED SOME FREE TOMATOES!

Am I the only one who’s creeped out by strangers with what can only be described as child molester moustaches barging

onto your property or breaking into your house to offer to take you to the woods?

Thought so.

Damn right she’s a good Sim. Accepts expensive gifts from stalkers, sends her puppy to a deranged wizard with a

penchant for mutilation, goes off into the woods with strangers…

In the real world, horrible things would have happened by now. And really, she would have deserved every single one of

them.

But no matter! Friends are needed for shady career purposes, so it’s off to the all-night library café!

I always think it’s a little creepy when adult Sims try to make friends with teenagers. Watch what happens when I put the

camera at a sinister angle.

You see?

Creepy.

Oh hey, Alfie’s back!

You may remember Alfie from my Million Dollar Challenge. Clementine seems to like him, but she doesn’t know what I

know. That little guy is a psychopath with the mind of a horny 15-year-old.

See?

That’s just bad form.

I’d slap the guy, but with Alfie, it’s sort of par for the course.

That’s right, hun. Go play with the shiny lights while the adults talk.

Good boy.

Because making friends in this game is boring enough to make your tits fall off, let’s mix things up with a date!

Little Coffee Shop in the Sky. Doesn’t that sound romantic?

And it really is, isn’t it?

Although I have to wonder where all these clouds come from. We’re not that high up.

Ah, mystery solved.

I knew those things were fucking bongs. Good job on keeping the rating down, developers!

Hey look, a wishing well! That’s cute. Clementine tries it and receives a cryptic message.

What? What does that mean? Is that a threat, game? IS IT?

Yes, because nothing spells Dream Date like your date uncontrollably scratching their private parts. Just take that from

me, kids. It is fact.

If there’s any way to more thoroughly emasculate a dude, I haven’t seen it yet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for two-way

empowerment, equalization of the sexes and all that good stuff, but this is just demeaning.

But no matter! We have a co-founder! He gives expensive presents and looks to have some good genes. What more can

a girl ask for?

Turn-on: plantsimism…

Huh.

I guess she does look a bit like a blueberry in a dress. Who knows how these dendrophiliacs think, right?

If you Googled dendrophiliac, you just lost the Game.

Aw, so cute.

I love sending my sims on dream dates. And I’d love it a lot more if not for…

Yeah. That’s not creepy at all.

Dude… seriously. Just got engaged? They’re on a date and all, so… Would appreciate the privacy?

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!

Right you are, Clementine. Let’s ditch this place.

You’re a Romance sim, right? I know just the thing.

Heheh, you bet.

I NEED YOUR SEED!

Oh dear, another one of these.

This is going to be brutal, I can tell. But okay, he’s a nice little doggy. Don’t eat the prince!

They taste like inbreeding.

Oh, OH that’s just great. Take a puppy’s money, will you? Mean.

The least he could have done was bring the frog home, but no. Chance cards suck…

At least Clementine is doing better. Midnight tomato harvest, baby!

Comic books? Spidersim? Oh HELLZ YEAH! Why is this not the top of the career again? This is awesome. I’d pay money

to own a copy of Spidersim. (Get to work, paysite whores!)

Engagement, promotion, this calls for a celebration!

I need the contacts, anyway.

To Clementine and Hayden, and the lovely babies they are sure to produce!

God, this is what a legacy challenge does to a person. Women = baby factory. Men = sperm bank.

I feel like a pixel-pimp.

That’s more like it! You tell them,

Clemmy! Girl power! Equalization of the

sexes! Everyone hates Mary-Jane

anyway, toss her off a bridge!

Wait WHAT?!?!

No!

You whore!

Damn greasy nerds! A woman is more than her boobies!

FEMINAZI OUTRAGE!

There, I planted a Legacy tree to make myself feel better. It’s an orange tree, get it? GET IT?!?!

…

No? Alright then.

Again, I need to ask: how the hell is this a step up? In what cruel and strange parallel dimension is “wedding

photographer” a step up from comic book artist? Clementine agrees. She looks as doubtful as I am.

Have fun with the bridezillas, honey.

All this talk of weddings is getting to me. Now obviously Clementine has an unholy fear of marriage (that’s how romance

works, don’t you know) so we’ll do the next best thing: move the sucker into the house. All romantic-like, under the Legacy

tree, of course.

He’ll fit in just fine.

Very fine…

Yum…

Well, it’s midwinter, I completely forgot about Christmas and I need to make some friends quick.

New Year’s Party!

I’ve never had one of these. Let’s see what happens.

Ah, isn’t that pretty? It’s times like these I’m really pleased I took the time to create all these custom townies.

Oh, yeah, sure, looks like a snoozer to me too, game.

Maybe after this borefest is over, we can have some real fun! Go nuts and play some chess or something. Good times.

I don’t care what any background algorithm says, this party is wicked! Look at it! It’s a talking blueberry dancing with a

dreadlocked alien while and angry cyber-chick and a steampunk robot watch from the kitchen.

Awesome.

The fuck?

No, really, what the hell?

GAH!

Kill it! Kill it with fire!

That’s right, Clemmy! Man the rockets! Burninate the countryside! Leave no dancing baby alive!

AAAHHH!!!

Oh, holy shit! This party got weird!

That’s… that’s nice, Hayden. Thanks for that.

Maybe when you’re done doing that, you can help out your horrible burned and mutilated fiancée.

I’ll bet they did.

Now that was a bunch of randomness you don’t see every day.

Where… where’s everyone going?

Isn’t anybody going to help out?

That’s just cold. You keep blowing that party horn, honey. Someone will come help out eventually. I guess.

No compassion for the smelly!

Help your own damn self, bitch!

Happy New Year to all from Functionally Retarded!

I know it’s summer.

Shut up.

NEXT TIME ON FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED!

- Clementine tries a new fertilizer!

- Is the next generation on the way?

- Why is Hayden being sexually harassed?

- And how low will Clementine go to get the ratings up?

STAY TUNED!