introduction types of out of network systems – in network = traditional family (mom, dad, the...

Growing UpOut Of Network

Introduction

Types of out of network systems– In network = traditional family (mom, dad,

the kids)–Out of network = separated/divorced,

blended family, Jail, prison, foster care, adoption

Introduction

Out Of Network Bible Examples–People can and do survive.–People can and do overcome the past.• Jesus • Jephthah (Judges 11:1, 11, 12:7) • Joseph

Introduction

Out Of Network Bible Examples–People can and do let their past define

them.•Moab• Ammon

Introduction

Trauma = sudden disruption in the family unit.

The more sudden, the more impact due to call for immediate change and re-adjustment.

Introduction

Children are: keen observers, resilient, not equipped mentally/emotionally to understand, often self-blaming (my fault, “if only I had”), sometimes confused as boundaries and rules change, message mom/dad don’t play by the rules, modeled behavior (what are we teaching our kids).

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Divorce: –Divided loyalty–Teaches compartmentalization–Parenting styles often change–Demeaning of the other parent–New relationship and child often feels left

out

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Divorce: – Losses for the child: home, school, peers,

abandonment issues, hope of reconciliation, economics change, child becomes the “buddy” on which a parents’ fragile ego and esteem rests.

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Divorce: – Lawyers/courts – create the most chaos –

the adversarial system where each side looks to the interest of their client – visitation, joint custody, impractical schedules cause heartache, anger, resentment and displacement of the child’s best interest.–Result – child cries out “just listen to me”.

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Blended family:–Boyfriends and girlfriends of parent(s)–Where do I fit? Am I loved? Am I in the

way?–Divided loyalty (if I love the new one am I

betraying the biological one?)–Visitation/custody

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Blended family:– Holidays– Four parents instead of 2 (house rules,

values and practices of each home, siblings)– To adopt or not to adopt– “Not my real dad/mom”– Takes roughly 5 years from the divorce to

homeostasis in home life again (acceptance)

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Foster Care:–Taken by strangers from the home, often

suddenly–Going to a shelter–Placement • “Where is the love?”• Are siblings split up?• “Is it my fault?”

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Foster Care:– Loose talk–Case Worker–Visitation (supervised or not)–Connecting–Reunification

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Adoption: –Pre-natal adoptions vs older child– Same race, nationality, background or not–When and how is the child told?– Sealed records?

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Adoption: – Lingering questions of why?– Feelings that one may not belong –Adoptive parents thought they would be

childless but adopted and then got pregnant, what now?–When one has their own child (own flesh

and blood)

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Abusive Home:–Domestic Violence–Child Abuse/Neglect–Home controlled by anger (yelling, vile

comments/cut downs), alcohol, drugs–Over-discipline

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Abusive Home:–Growing up in a fog–Two faced family (nice in front of others,

when alone nasty/threatening)–Home is a scary place (not safe, sleeping at

night and someone’s hand runs up under the covers; –Adaptive and Maladaptive roles

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Life Threatening Illnesses/Recovery:– Seeing those in control as vulnerable–Pending death or long term recovery–Graduated losses• Financial• Relationship• Appearance

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Life Threatening Illnesses/Recovery:– Focus on the sick one (others can be

neglected)–Being in the role of caretaker

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Jail:– Shock–Anger–Bond money–Court/Lawyers

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Jail:– Employment (job status/arrest record/fear

someone will find out)– Family begins redefining itself without the

inmate– “Jail House Conversion”– Release– Restorative justice

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Prison:– Found guilty (merry-go-round of release or

not)–Adjusting to prison systems (moved around)–Prison conversion–Communication (Visiting or not, Phone calls,

JPay, Requests, Emotional roller coaster)

Types Of Out Of Network Situations

Prison:– Economic impact on family system– Family re-fines itself– Stigma–Release and re-entry–Trying to fit back in

Some Considerations

Parent substitutes (adopted/foster care)– What happens to the bonding ?– How to substitute or reconnect?

Abusive parents (incest, physical violence)

Some Considerations

Issues with seeing God as a loving Father when picture of father is “one not there” “one who hurts you” “one who abandons” “one who is mean and hateful to you”

Coping with childhood trauma (as a child) (as an adult)

Escape Is Possible Through Jesus

Remember that Bible characters were people like us.

While many were superheroes, they still had their struggles, weaknesses and strengths:

Escape Is Possible Through Jesus

They looked to God for the way of escape (1 Cor. 10:13;1 John 5:4,5; Rev. 3:21; 21:7)

They trusted that the way of escape was taking the next right step even when they did not see the big picture (2 Cor. 5:7)

They trusted that God was molding them into someone great (Paul’s grooming, Joseph trained to be a leader)

Escape Is Possible Through Jesus

They learned:– Sometimes you “walk”(2 Cor. 5:7)– Sometimes you “run” (Genesis)– Sometimes you “wait” (Isa. 40:31; Ps.

27:14)

Escape Is Possible Through Jesus

They trusted the power of forgiveness– Forgiving others their trespasses.(Matt.

6:9ff)–Trusting Jesus’ forgiveness (Heb. 8:12;

10:17)– Forgiving self (Heb. 10:17)

Stopped looking back (Lk. 17:32; Phil 3:13)

Making Peace With The Past

1. Forgiveness is a choice. 2. Don’t give your power away. 3. Don’t cling to negative feelings. 4. There are no right timelines for

recovery.

Making Peace With The Past

5. You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them.

6. Listen to your internal dialogue.

Making Peace With The Past

7. Consider what you need to do to get emotional closure.

8. Share your experience with others.

Conclusion

Everyone has a past.

The past is a place to visit, but we are not expected to live there.

Making peace with our past is a cleansing process.

Conclusion

That brings us to salvation – it does not wipe away history, but it does wipe away the guilt and shame of our past life.

Whatever we have gone through – our struggles – how we have coped with them – These are not intended to define us.

Conclusion

By lifting our burdens Jesus gives us strength to rise above them.

Our old man has been buried with Him in baptism – let’s not resurrect that old man again.

FORGIVEN!