managing anxiety in the family...

MANAGING ANXIETY IN THEFAMILY SYSTEM

STRATEGIES FOR CHANGING OUR RELATIONSHIPDANCE

Rhett Smith, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MDIV, MSMFT)www.rhettsmithcounseling.com

Private Practice

4 Day Marriage Intensivewww.intensives.com

Family

FOCUS

1. What is anxiety and how does it affect the family?2. Reimagining the purpose of anxiety.3. Understanding our “dances” -- how we get stuck & unstuck.4. Ideas for staying unstuck.

“In business you hear about the 80/20 rule: 80 percent of thebenefit comes from 20 percent of the change. At home I think it’sthe 90/10 rule: 90 percent of the value is brought on by just a 10

percent change.”

Patrick Lencioni

“Who we are and how we engage with the world are muchstronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know

about parenting.”

The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?”, asit is, “Are you the adult you want your child to grow up to be?”

Researcher Brene Brown

WHAT IS ANXIETY?

Worry

Stress

Concern

Fear

Fight or Flight

Danger

Choice

Possibility

Freedom

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

Soren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Freedom

“A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about futureuncertainties.”

(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/anxiety)

“A state of apprehension and fear resulting from the anticipationof a threatening event or situation.”

(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/anxiety)

Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S.,affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older

(18% of the U.S. population).

Anxiety disorders affect one in eight children. Research shows thatuntreated children with anxiety disorders are at higher risk to

perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences,and engage in substance abuse.

Anxiety and Depression Association of Americawww.adaa.org

“Current data suggest that in the typical congregation of 150members a pastor may expect to find at least twenty people with

anxiety serious enough to qualify clinically as a disorder, plusnumerous others who struggle with the condition in less severe butpainful nonetheless. In a word, pastors regularly encounter anxious

people.”

Allan Hugh Cole Jr., be not anxious,

“Surveys have shown that one of the major points of stress forchildren these days is their packed schedules. Our surveys have

found that stress levels among adolescents and teens match thoseof adults. Kids admit to feeling overwhelmed by the quantity of

responsibilities thrust upon them, from homework to sports, musiclessons to church events, household chores to relational

expectations, media intake to hobbies.”

George Barna, Revolutionary Parenting

FAMILIES = EMOTIONAL SYSTEMS

Enmeshed/Fused

Distant/Cut-Off

Differentiated/Boundaried

I You

IYou

I You

“While specific events or issues are often the principal generatorsof acute anxiety, the principal generators of chronic anxiety are

people’s reactions to a disturbance in the balance of arelationship.”

Kerr and Bowen

Shade-SmithGenogram

Susie Ray Shade Jenny Rader Berniece DavisGlenn Smith

BurkeRayJudieMelodee Nancy TimPhil

Rita

Tracie

Rhett

Margie

SarahWyattHeather

HudsonHayden Sawyer

Mark Huey

Marielle HueyDanielle HueyBlake Kimzey

Debbie

Gary Pierce

MatthewHeatherRaymond

Ruthie

m ’45m ‘84’19-’83

breast cancer’19’35

m ’38’16-’81

heart attack’16-’09

m ’65

’43

’43

m ’01

’4017 days

m ‘91 d ’97

’48

’48

’07

m ’05’73 ’75

’10 ’09

m ’07’77 ’76

m ’06

’83’83

’85

m ’73 d ’77 m ’79 d ’94

’47

’52

’54’56’47-’86

breast cancer’50-’01

breast cancer

TX

Mom wasborn in OK

Raised in KS,TX

Dad was bornin AZ

Raised in AZ

Rhett wasborn in TX

Raised in AZ

Heather wasborn in KS

Raised in CA

CA

Grandparents movedfrom M and Settled in

AZ

Grandparents movedfrom MS and Settled in

TX

ThemesBreast Cancer

DivorceEmotional/Physical Cut Off

FaithGeography

FeelingsAbandoned

AloneNot Good Enough

RejectedHope

CopingWithdrawShutdownPass./Agg.Persevere

Risk

MARITAL CONFLICT

“As family tension increases and the spouses get more anxious,each spouse externalizes his or her anxiety into the marital

relationship. Each focuses on what is wrong with the other, eachtries to control the other, and each resists the other’s efforts at

control.”

The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptnf.html

FAMILY PROJECTION PROCESS

“(1) the parent focuses on a child out of fear that something iswrong with the child;

(2) the parent interprets the child’s behavior as confirming thefear; and

(3) the parent treats the child as if something is really wrong withthe child.”

The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptfpp.html

“The spouses focus their anxieties on one or more of theirchildren. They worry excessively and usually have anidealized or negative view of the child. The more the

parents focus on the child the more the child focuses onthem. He is more reactive than his siblings to the attitudes,

needs, and expectations of the parents. The processundercuts the child’s differentiation from the family andmakes him vulnerable to act out or internalize family

tensions. The child’s anxiety can impair his schoolperformance, social relationships, and even his health.”

The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptnf.html

IMPAIRMENT OF ONE OR MORECHILDREN

“A two person system is unstable because it cantolerate little tension before involving a thirdperson...Spreading the tension can stabilize a

system, but nothing gets resolved.”

The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

TRIANGLES

Dad Mom

Son Daughter

Anxiety

AnxietyAnxiety Triangle

BlendedFamily

ANXIETY

Who am I?Identity

What am I to do?Autonomy

How am I to be loved?Belonging

How can I become all that God intended me to be?God’s Story

RE-IMAGINE ANXIETY ASCATALYST FOR GROWTH

“do not be anxious about anything”

Philippians 4:6

What is my anxiety saying to me?

What is my child’s anxiety telling us about thefamily system?

What might God be saying to me in the midstof me anxiousness?

Am I/Is our family avoiding something?

Am I/Is our family refusing to face my/our fears?

How might we grow as a family if we face ouranxiety?

“The healthy individual moves ahead despite the conflict,actualizing his freedom, whereas the unhealthy person retrenches

to a ‘shut-in-condition’ sacrificing his freedom.”

Rollo May, The Meaning of Anxiety

THE DANCES WE DANCE

THE PAIN DANCE

Negative(Feelings/Emotions)

Negative Coping Behaviors

Pain Dance

Worthless, Judged, Unloved, Helpless, Alone, Unwanted, Not GoodEnough, Like a Failure, Unknown, Out of Control, Rejected,

Abandoned

Feelings/Emotions

Withdraw, Shut Down, Negative Beliefs About Myself, BecomeArrogant, Blame, Lie, Avoid, Complain, Criticize, Anger, Judge,

Selfishness, Sarcasm, View Pornography, Drink, Sex, Grudges, Rebel,Anxious, Depressed, Use Drugs, Create Drama

Negative Coping Behaviors

TRUTH DANCE

Our Truth CreatedStrengths

Truth Dance

Loved, Priceless, Treasured, Appreciated, Full of Worth, Accepted,Significant, Precious, Wanted, Respected, Can Make Good Choices,Valuable, Known, Never Alone, Adequate, Celebrated, Encouraged,

Connected, Can Control Self

Truth

Accepting, Supportive, Encouraging, Giving, Welcoming, Kind, Gentle,Good Listener, Humble, Includes Others, Patient, Forgiving, Open &Vulnerable, Caring, Peaceful, Seeking Good, Merciful, Loving, Values

Self, Positive, Joyful, Shows Compassionate, Hopeful, Respectful,Responsible, Trustworthy, Honest, Reliable, Self-Controlled, Turn from

Addictive Behaviors

Strengths

Identify Feelings & Negative Coping

Identify Truth & Connect ToStrengths

AloneUnloved

WorthlessUnwanted

Can’t Measure Up

AngryWithdraw

Passive-AggressiveNumb Out

Critical

AdequateLoved

WantedGod’s Son/Daughter

Worthy

CompassionateGivingLoving

FunEncouraging

“old self”

“new self”

You were taught with regard to your former way oflife, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted

by its deceitful desires; to be made new in theattitude of your minds; and to put on the new self,created to be like God in true righteousness and

holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation hascome: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

PRACTICES TO LIVE OUT OFTHE NEW DANCE

MINDFULNESS

“the trait of staying aware of (paying close attention to) yourresponsibilities.”

http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=mindfulness

Spotlight Exercise

SELF-CARE

“The process of managing responses to stressors. Self-care includeswhat we know about ourselves, our resources, and our behaviors.”

http://www.mrmnursingtheory.org/definitions.html

“One’s understanding and behavior that helps to build a healthybody, mind and spirit for himself and others.”

http://www.relaxyourlifenow.com/glossary/

“And Jesus grew in wisdom (mental) and stature (physical), and infavor with God (spiritual) and man (relational).”

Luke 2:52

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart andwith all your soul and with all your strength and with all your

mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Luke 10:27

HEART SOUL STRENGTH MIND

(Relational) (Spiritual) (Physical) (Mental)

Date Nightw/spouse

Coffee w/friend

Prayer

Listeningto God

Running

Healthy diet

Book Club

Take a class

BOUNDARIES

“Self-Differentation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer,Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay betweenautonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while

progressing toward developing and known goals.”

Rod Smithwww.difficultrelationships.com

SELF-SOOTHE

emotional self-regulation = “the set of processes involved ininitiating, maintaining and modulating emotional responsiveness,

both positive and negative.”

Wendy S. Grolinick, et al

Breathing

SEEK HELP

CONTACT

Website: rhettsmithcounseling.com

Blog: rhettsmith.com

Facebook: facebook.com/marriageandfamilytherapy

Twitter: twitter.com/rhetter

Pinterest: pinterest.com/rhettsmith

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/rhettsmith

March 2012 May 2013