ofah modern men script
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Episode Special - Modern Men
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT.
Rodney, in his best suit is seated reading a woman’s magazine. Albert, dressed in his best clothes enters
from the kitchen with crisps.
AlbertYou alright, son? Lookingforward to tonight down
the pub?
RodneyYeah. I don't want a big
thing made of it, youknow. I mean, me andCassandra are having a
baby, that's all.
AlbertYeah, but you know what
Del's like. Any excuse fora celebration. You don'tthink Del'd mind if I
borrowed some of his after-shave, do you?
Rodney
What do you want to useafter-shave for? You've
got Epping bloody Forestgrowing round your chops!
AlbertI just wanted to smell
nice, that's all.
RodneyWell in that case, don'tuse Del's after-shave!
Del, in best suit enters from the kitchen carrying a
bowl of crisps and a bowl of nuts.
DelOh, there you are Rodders,
I didn't hear you arrive.Go on, help yourself to adry roasted. Where's
Cassandra then?
RodneyRaquel wanted to show her
something in the bedroom.
Albert
It's them baby clothesshe's got for you.
Rodney
Oh, she shouldn't have donethat.
DelNo, it's aright, they're
some of Damien's oldclothes.
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Rodney(Mild alarm)
What?
Del
Suit your nipper a treatthey will.
RodneyYeah... I'm gonna get abeer.
Rodney moves towards the kitchen.
AlbertIf it's a boy d'you reckon
it'll look like Rodney?
DelIt don't matter as long asit's healthy.
Rodney stops in the doorway and reacts. He exits to thekitchen.
Del(Cont'd)
No, I know what Raquel's
doing, she's showingCassandra some of them new
clothes I bought hertoday.
AlbertNew clothes? It's not her
birthday, is it?
DelNo, it's not her birthday.
Well, they're not 'new'clothes, they're as good
as.
Del picks up his book.
Del
(Cont'd)And it means I done my bit
for charity.
Rodney enters from the kitchen with a beer.
Del
(Cont'd)Ah, Rodders there you are,
you seen this? Modern Man,brilliant it is. It says
here: 'you shouldn't waitfor special occasions togive your loved one a
present. Arrive home witha little surprise any day
of the week and help keepyour relationship
exciting'. I done that, it
says: 'Your partner shouldnever have to seek
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attention from you. A
compliment is the easiestthing to give and the
nicest thing to receive.'It's obvious when you cometo think about it, it's
far easier to saysomething nice than
something nasty.
Raquel and Cassandra enter from the bedrooms area. Sheis dressed in her best frock. She opens her arms in a'well what do you think' gesture.
Raquel
Well?
Del is busy reading his book.
DelYes, very well, thank youdarling!
Raquel(Deflated)
Oh! Good.
AlbertYou look lovely, Raquel.
Raquel
Thank you very much, Albert.
RodneyYes, you look very nice,
Raquel.
RaquelThank you. Wait till you
see this.
Raquel exits to bedrooms area.
Albert
And you look lovely,Cassandra.
Cassandra
Thank you, Albert.
Del
Oh, there you are, sweet-heart.
(Feeling herbelly)
How's my little nephew?
CassandraGet off!
Raquel returns wearing a fur jacket.
RaquelWell. What d'you think?
Rodney and Cassandra look at each other uncertain of howto react.
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CassandraWell, this is difficult,
Raquel. You see, Rodneyand I are both opposed tothe fur trade.
Rodney
What Cass is trying to say
is, we both think itlooked better on theanimal. Whatever that was.
AlbertInnit marvelous? Del buys
Raquel a coat and you twohave a pop at her!
Rodney
Del bought it? Oh, I'm sorry, Raquel, I thoughtit was real!
DelNo, dopey, no, it'sstimulated fur!
RodneySorry, didn't realise.
Del
I tell you what we aregoing to do then. 'Cos
little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter, solet's have a couple of
glasses of champagne and
then get down the Nag'sHead for some decentcelebrations.
We see a worried Rodney draw a twenty pound note from hi
pocket. He quickly replaces it.
Del
(Cont'd)(To Cassandra)
And oi, you're on orangejuice, alright.
CassandraYes, thank you, doctor.
Del
All part of the service.
Del and Rodney exit to kitchen.
RodneyDel. I feel a bitembarrassed.
Del
You don't need to. I meanyou got a tie, and suit,
the full Monty.
Rodney
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No, no. I didn't mean that,
I've only got twenty quidon me.
DelWhat happened to your
wages?
Rodney
This is me wages.
DelOh yeah. I remember we had
a bit of a hard week,bruv.
Rodney
I know. I was there!
DelWell, I'm even worse offthan you. I spent all my
money on Raquel's dress.
Don't worry about tonight'sfestivities, we'll put iton the slate.
RodneyD'you reckon Mike'll stand
it?
DelCourse he will. He's a
diamond that man, absolutediamond.
Rodney
Well I hope you're right... And oi, why don't yousay something nice to
Raquel? She's got herselfall done up and you ain't
said a word.
Del
I was busy reading me book, weren't I?
Del and Rodney exit to lounge.
By now Raquel and Cassandra are seated on the settee,Raquel reading her magazine.
Del
Alright, alright, I'llthink of something nice to
say. Let's go. Come onthen girls, ladies and
gentlemen, time tocelebrate, go on Rodney,you got the girls, Albert
this is yours.
Raquel has seen something in her magazine.
Raquel
I don't believe it!
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Cassandra
What's that?
RaquelYou see this girl here. I worked with her years ago
when I was in showbusiness. She was just a
kid then! Look at her
now, she's about toappear in the new JamesBond film!
CassandraOoh, Piers Bronson.
Rodney
Now you don't need PiersBronson dear, you've got
me.
Cassandra
Yeah, haven't I just?
Del(Looking over
Raquel's shoulder)Well, I tell you what,Raquel. If she can be in a
James Bond film, so couldyou.
Raquel
(Laughing butcomplimented)
Oh shut up.
DelNo, you could.
RaquelDon't be silly.
DelI'm serious. I mean, look
at her, she's a dog.
Raquel reacts. Cassandra closes her eyes and turns away.We see Rodney's reaction. Del gives Rodney the thumbs
up as he sips the champagne.
INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
It is Saturday night and a packed bar is celebrating
Rodney's and Cassandra's news. We find, Rodney,Cassandra, Raquel, Denzil, Boycie and Marlene seated at
a table close to the bar. Rodney, Boycie and Marleneappear to have had one too many. Albert is at the piano
playing and singing 'You must have been a beautifulbaby'.
Trigger is at another table chatting with a few of theregulars. Mickey Pearce is at the bar chatting with a
few younger guys. Del is at the bar with Mike who isplacing drinks on a tray and other drinks on counter.
MikeSo that's a G&T for Raquel,
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a Tequila Slammer for
Rodney, orange juice forCassandra. Oh by the way,
that Doctor Singh, theIndian bloke was in herethis afternoon asking about
you! Something to do withsome paint you sold him.
Del hides his momentary panic.
DelWas he?
Mike
He seemed rather anxiousto talk to you. Problems?
Del
No, no, no! A simple mis-understanding. Nothing thatcan't be sorted out with a
civilized chat. If he calls
again, Mike, will you tellhim I've gone to live inNew Zealand.
MikeI think I can remember
that. Here, have Rodney andCassandra thought of a name
for the baby yet?
DelNo, not yet, Mike. It'searly days, she's only just
a little bit pregnant,
ain't she? Long way to go.
Mike
Still, shows Rodney gotthe hang of it in the end.
DelOh yes! He's a Trotter,
Michael. We don't stop tillthe job's finished. Right,
so that's a Singapore Slingfor me, a cognac for
Boycie, vodka and lime forMarlene, a Cubre Libre forDenzil...
(Indicates Albert)A rum and Black for Bobby
Crush, scotches for the market lads, a pint of
diesel for Trigger...(Calls over to
Mickey)Mickey, what you and your mates having?
Mickey
Canadian Clubs all round,Del. Cheers.
DelAnd have one yourself,
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Mike.
Mike
Thanks, Del. Right, that's,er, call it twenty fivepound for cash.
Del
Put it on the slate,
Michael.
MikeThere's no more slate, Del.
I've had a visit from thebrewery.
Del
Right.(Produces a
fiver)There's a fiver, and,erm...
Del pats his clothes in search of his wallet.
Del
(Cont'd)Would you Adam ad Eve it?I've only gone and left me
wallet at home. I remembernow Damien was playing
with it earlier. I wasteaching him on financial
management - you know,avoiding expensive pubs,that sort of thing.
Mike starts to take the drinks back.
Mike
That's alright, I'll sell'em to someone else.
DelWhat d'you mean, you'll
sell 'em to someone else?They'll be second-hand.
Mike
I'll sell 'em cheap then!
Del
Well, I'll give you afiver for 'em now.
Mike
Look Del, it's not myfault, it's the brewery!
They've brought in thisrevolutionary new rule;from now on customers have
to pay for their drinks.
DelI hate all these newfangled
ideas! I'll tell you what
I'll do for you. Waitthere.
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Del produces a bag. From his bag Del produces a hair-dryer. It is a different shape from the normal hair-
dryer.
Del
I've just laid me hands onthese brand new, radically
-designed hair-dryers. They
retail at sixty ninepounds ninety nine inRegents Street, it's yoursfor fifteen nicker.
Mike
Del, look at my hair. Whatdo I need one of them for?
I've only gotta stick mehead out the window for
ten seconds and I'm bonedry!
Del produces a jagged ended attachment.
DelBut this comes complete
with a volumiser. Givesyour hair lots of body.
MikeSo I could end up looking
like Lilly Savage? Verytempting.
DelI'm giving it to you for
fifteen quid, Mike!
MikeAlright, giss it here.
(Puts hair-dryerbehind bar)
You still owe me a tenner!
Del
I tell you what. You area bit of a gambling man.
We'll have a bet, doubleor quits. If I win I
give you a fiver forthis round. You win, Iowe you a tenner.
Mike
But you already owe me atenner!
Del
You've nothing to losethen, have you?
Trigger approaches at this point and observes Del andMike.
Del
Hold your hands out in
front of you and I bet Ican make you turn them over
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without touching you.
Mike
You can make me turn myhands over without touching me?
Del
Yeah. It's called 'The Power
of Positive Thought'. Go'n,hold 'em out.
Mike holds his hands out in front of him, palms down.
Del
No, the other way.
Mike turns his hands over, palms up.
DelThere you go, see.
Del places the fiver in Mike's upturned palm.
DelThank you, Michael.
Del takes the tray and returns to the table. Mike,holding the fiver, is despondent at losing so easily.
Trigger is smiling in wonderment at the trick.
TriggerThat's good, innit?
MikeOh brilliant, Trig, bloody
brilliant.
We cut to the table where Del has handed drinks out (oreveryone's helping themselves from the tray).
Boycie
(Has had onetoo many)
I have been a motor-dealer
for many years now, but,until recently, I never
thought of the damageexhaust emig... emiti...
DenzilFumes.
Boycie
Yes. Never thought of thedamage fumes did to our
world. Let me explain mytheory.
(To Rodney)And the girl Cassandra willbear me out, she works in
a bank.
RodneyI know, we're married.
BoyciePrecisely.
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DelSame again, Mike.
BoycieNow, allow me to continue.
My theory is: the futureholds the key to our
success.
DelDon't tell Raquel's Dadthat, he's an antique
dealer.
BoycieWe must support the future!
By that I mean our worldand children. Now I've
recently invested a lot of money in electric cars.
Marlene
Yeah, he bought Tyler aScalectrix set.
BoycieI'm not talking about modelbloody racing cars, for
Gawd's sake!
Everyone laughs.
RodneyNo, he means electricengines. And he's right,
Cassandra will bear him out.
My wife I'm proud to say,has just got anotherpromotion.
Raquel
Oh. Congratulations.
Del
Well done darling.
CassandraI haven't been promoted,
Rodney. I've just been moved to anotherdepartment. My banks has
instigated this kind of'Save the World' programme.
We're investing capital incompanies involved in
recycling and conservationinitiatives.
DelShe could be talking about
us, couldn't she?
RodneyCould she?
DelWe have always been very
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environmentally conceptual.
Raquel
Well, I've discovered a newuse for old clothes - I wear 'em.
Everyone laughs.
DelIt's your round, Rodders.
Rodney
Right.
Rodney moves to the bar. Mike is placing drinks on thecounter.
Mike
If it's the same as thelast round it'll be twentyfive pounds.
RodneyTwenty five quid! Erm,Mike?
Mike(With his back
to Rodney)No!
Rodney produces two tenners and ponders his predicament.
Trigger approaches.
Trigger
Alright, Dave?
Rodney'Ello Trig.
Trigger
I can make you turn yourhands over withouttouching you.
Rodney
Eh?
TriggerI can make you turn yourhands over without
touching you. Hold 'em out.
Rodney, with a heavy sigh, places the tenners in his
pocket and holds his ands out palms up.
TriggerNo, the other way.
Rodney turns his hands over, palms down.
TriggerSee?
(Handing Rodney
a fiver)There you go, Dave.
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Trigger walks away leaving a totally bewildered Rodney with a fiver. At this point Albert finishes his song to
much applause. He makes his way to the table.
Denzil
Well done, Albert, verynice.
BoycieYes, it reminded me of thetheme track from Noddy -the Movie.
Rodney returns with a tray of drinks.
Denzil
Boycie's right about onething. You and Rodney
should be investing inyour children's future.Things like schooling.
BoycieYou gotta send 'em to aprivate school.
DelI'd love to, but I haven't
got that sort of money tothrow around.
(Calls over tobar)
Set 'em up again, Mike.
Marlene
Our Tyler's been private
since he was three. He'sseven now and he canalmost write his name.
Del
(Impressed)Really? We'll have toscrimp and save and send
Damien private.
RodneyWell, I'm not sending my
child private. There'snothing wrong with stateeducation.
Del
I'm not seeing Damien endup in our old school, the
Dockside Secondary Modern.
AlbertOoh, that was a tough oldplace.
Del
Tough? We had the onlyschool magazine with an
obituary column.
Denzil
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See, Rodney, we didn't
stand a chance of getting adecent education 'cos of
the size of the classes.
Boycie
Fifty, sixty to a class.
Cassandra
Oh you're exaggerating,your classes weren't thatbig!
DenzilIt's the truth, Cassandra.
By the time the teacher'dfinished reading the
morning register it wasdinner time.
DelYou could tell the calibre
of the school by the head
boy.
Marlene
Who was it?
Del
Trigger.
Trigger hears his name and joins tem.
TriggerD'you call, Del?
Del
Ah, there you are, Trig.We were just talking oldschool.
Rodney
Alright, let's ask Trig. And you lot stay quiet,no prompting! Trigger, did
you have big classes atyour old school?
Trigger
No, not very big.
Rodney
(At Del)See!
Trigger
High ceilings though.
BoycieAnd a few low ones. Rememberyour accident?
Trigger
Oh yeah.
Raquel
Why? What happened?
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Denzil
Trig was walking throughone of the corridors and he
smacked right into a MindYour Head sign.
BoycieGave him a right clout. His
family sued the education
authorities for brain-damage.
Del
The judge awarded him sevenpound fifty compensations.
Albert
(Confused)How d'you walk into a 'Mind
Your Head' sign? Didn't yousee it?
Trigger
Of course I saw it, but inthose days I couldn't read.
Trigger returns to the bar. We see the reactions of Albert, Cassandra, Rodney, Raquel, Marlene and finallyDel - it's the first time he's heard the truth about
the incident.
RodneyPerhaps it would be best
to go private.
Cassandra
Yeah, maybe.
Mike(Calls)
Is someone gonna collectthese drinks or what?
RodneyI'll get 'em.
Rodney moves to the bar. Mickey Pearce approaches.
Mickey
Rodney, congratulations.
Rodney
Thanks, Mickey.
MickeyHere, I was down Sid's Caff
yesterday and that DoctorSingh came in looking for
Del Boy.
Rodney
(Worried)Did he?
Mickey
He struck me as an angry
man. What's it all about?
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Rodney
Oh, it's something to do with some paint and his
surgery. I mean, at the endof the day it's not myproblem, is it? I just
work for Del.
Mickey
Yeah. That's just it.You're just an employee.You just follow orders.Pick things up put things
down and then pick 'em upagain.
Rodney
(Sensing aninsult)
Yeah. But I do think for myself.
Mickey
But it's not really a jobrequirement, is it? I starta new job next month. Good
money, prospects, companycar, the lot.
RodneyYeah? What are you, a
double-glazing salesman?
MickeyNo I'm not! Although it isto do with glass.
RodneyWhat, windows?
MickeyIt's a brand new company.
They've invented these newsolar windows.
RodneyIt's double-glazing, innit?
Mickey
No, no, no. I mean, fairenough, it does involve twopanes of glass, but it's
not double-glazing.
Raquel now appears behind Rodney.
Mickey(Cont'd)
This company is veryprofile-conscious andcustomer-driven. I'm gonna
be executive of areaperspective and overview,
combined with an aggressivetargeting strategy.
RodneyYou're a salesman.
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MickeyNo, I'm almost a scientist!
It's a whole new conceptin user-friendly heating.
RodneyYou're a double-glazing
salesman, ain't you?
MickeyYeah. It's better than working for Del, innit? I
mean, you're like a 34year old paperboy.
Rodney
I might not be working forhim much longer. I'm on
the look-out for somethingdecent... Oh, Raquel!
Raquel
I just came up to give youa hand with the drinks.
Raquel takes a couple of drinks and returns to thetable.
RodneyListen to me. There are a
few up ad coming youngfirms who are after me.
MickeyOh yeah, I bet you're being
head-hunted by Ian Beale.
Well, you'd better do some-thing quick, Rodney, you'vegot a kid on the way.
Mike
(Calls)Ladies and Gentlemen, willyou please raise your
glasses to our future Mum and Dad, Rodney and
Cassandra.
LocalsRodney and Cassandra.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Same night. Raquel is lying in bed reading a book. Delenters dressed in lime green silk pyjamas with his
book.
Raquel(Quietly)
Oh my God!
Del
Well what d'you think?
Raquel
Very nice, Del. They'revery... nice.
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DelGot 'em off Paddy the
Greek, seven pound fifty,can't be bad, eh?
RaquelLovely.
Del climbs into bed. Del reads a few lines from hisbook.
Del
It says here a bloke'ssupposed to make contact
with his feminine side.Don't mean you've gotta
wear a blouse or somethingdoes it?
RaquelNo, I don't think so.
DelDid you know geezers hadfeminine sides?
RaquelWell, I've read about it.
Look, I wouldn't worry, Idon't think it applies to
you.
DelThank God for that.Brilliant book. Did you know
that women need to know
that they are not taken forgranted?
RaquelReally?
DelYeah, there's some real eye
-openers in here.
RaquelDel, can we talk for a
minute?
Del
(Engrossed inbook)
Eh?
RaquelI heard Rodney and his
mate, Mickey Pearce talk-ing tonight. He'sstarting a new job.
Del
Mickey Pearce, you must bejoking! That bloke's been
on the dole so long he
gets invited to the staffdance.
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RaquelI heard him telling Rodney
about it.
Del
The last job Mickey Pearcehad was over the East End
as a trainee jury-nobbler.
RaquelDel, will you do somethingfor me? Give Rodney a
proper job.
DelHe's got a proper job.
Raquel
No he hasn't, he works foryou.
Del
Well that's a proper job.
Raquel
Alright, what does he do?
Del
Well, he sort of... well...lifts things, and... keeps
an eye out... and, er...drives.
RaquelAnd how would you describe
his job? Give it a name, a
title.
Del
Well, he's a... erm... He'sa... a Rodney.
RaquelThat's not a proper job!
Del
It is! There are a lot ofpeople around who are...
'Rodneys'.
Raquel
Give him a job and atitle he can be proud of.
In seven months he'll bea proud father.
Del
Listen Raquel, look, youdon't know him like I do.Rodney's never been what
you'd call astute. IfI'd left him in charge we
wouldn't be where we aretoday.
RaquelNo?
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DelNo. He hasn't got a
business brain. If Rodneyowned a flower shop he'dclose on Valentines Day.
Raquel
Make him feel important.
Do something to help him.
DelI'm in the process of doing
that very thing. I'm tryingto get Rodney some part-
time help. With Cassandrathe way she is, you never
know when he's gonna get acall and have to dash off.
So I've let it be known I'm looking for an assistantfor Rodney. Someone to take
the weight off his
shoulders.
Raquel
Aaah, that's nice of you.
Del
I know, I'm a nice fella...This thing with Cassandra.
Raquel
You mean her pregnancy?
Del
Yeah. Not making you
broody, is it?
Raquel
No! I never want to gothrough a pregnancy again.
This is all serious/jokey.
DelHurt, did it?
Raquel
Stung a bit.
Del
Yeah, I could tell.
RaquelWhat gave it away? All that
screaming?
DelYeah, that was the mainclue. Still, he was worth
it in the end, weren't he?
RaquelYeah, of course he was.
It's not just that. There's
the financial side as well.I mean, we can barely
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afford to pay the mortgage
on this place let alonefeed another mouth. And
then there's the age thingto be taken into account.
Del
True. You ain't getting any
younger, are you?
There is just a look over her book from Raquel.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
Same time. Rodney and Cassandra are lying in bed.
Rodney is deep in depressing thought.
RodneyI've been thinking. Oneday they might make a
musical about the
history of the Trotterfamily. Then as a sequelthey could do Schindlers
List On Ice.
Cassandra
Correct me if I'm wrongbut are you feeling
slightly under-motivatedtonight?
RodneyThere are people on death
row with more motivation
than me. I've got to getanother job, Cass! I getso frustrated working for
Del. I just wish he'dpresent me with a
challenge every now andthen, like... I don'tknow... giving someone
their change. Tomorrow weare trying to sell these
Mickey Mouse hair-dryersand some aerodynamic
cycling hats which arereally horse ridinghelmets that have been
sprayed red - and we'vegot a very angry Sikh
after our blood. This isnot what you'd call job
satisfaction.
CassandraRodney, you're the onlyone who can change Del's
attitude. Just going outin the morning hoping
for the best is not goodenough. At the bank we
always advise small
businesses to targetspecifics to achieve
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maximum market
penetration.
RodneyCassandra, we're talkingabout Derek Trotter! To
Del, 'Market Penetration' means sex under a barrow!
CassandraBut at least you can tryto influence him I mean,you're involved in
decision-making now,aren't you?
Rodney
Oh yeah, sometimes helets me toss the coin.
Decision-making! He'sjust bought himself abook.
CassandraDel has?
RodneyOh yeah. All words, nopictures. It's called
Modern Man and, accordingto the author, modern men
are decisive, positivedecision-makers and Del is
making decisions all overthe shop! It's thanks tosome of Del's decisive,
positive decision-making
that we have got theconsignment of MickeyMouse hair-dryers and a
load of cycling hats thatare horse riding helmets
sprayed red!
Cassandra
Look, why don't you talkto him? I know he jumps
the gun a lot, but he doeslisten to you.
RodneyYeah, I suppose you're
right. Actually I had a word with him this morning
and told him he shouldstop making these on the
spot decisions. I said tothink things through,
consider it, look at allthe angles and weigh upthe pros and cons. And I
think it hit home. Yeah,I'm sure he took my words
on board.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Same time. Del and Raquel are in bed reading their
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books.
Del
I'm gonna have a vasectomy!
Raquel bursts out laughing.
Del
(Cont'd)
Did I say something?
RaquelWhat's brought this on?
Del
It says in my book that modern men take the
responsibility when itcomes to family planning.
Millions of men all overthe world are having thesnip - they do it while
you wait.
RaquelDel, why don't you think
about it for a while?
Del
What's to think about,sweetheart? We can't
afford to have anotherchavvie so I'm a modern
man making a positivedecision.
Raquel
But you've got to considerthe future. I mean, I don't want to be the prophet of
doom, but what wouldhappen if say in ten years
time things didn't workout between us and webroke up. Then you met
someone else and wanted toraise another family?
Del
Oh, don't be silly, sweet-heart.
(Kisses her)
Ten years from now I won'tbe able to raise a smile
let alone anything else!
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. INTERCUT WITH DEL ANDRAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Following day. Rodney, in working clothes, is seated atthe table with a cup of tea and looking very down in
the mouth.
Rodney(Calling into
kitchen)
I can remember when we setoff on the road to our
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horizon! It was bloody
years ago! We had a labourgovernment, you could eat
beef. Des O'Connor was white. And look at us now!
Del(OS)
How can I put this, Rodney?
Shuddup!
Rodney sips his tea. He now becomes aware of something.He turns and finds Damien's standing behind the
cocktail cabinet and staring, unsmiling at him.
Rodney flinches as a cold chill runs down his spine.
RodneyMorning Damien.
DamienI can make you turn your
hands over without touching
you.
Rodney
Yeah?
Damien
Hold your hands out.
Rodney holds his hands out as if hypnotized.
Damien(Cont'd)
Turn them over.
Rodney turns his hands over. Damien smiles victoriously.
Damien
(Cont'd)See!
Damien exits to the bedrooms area calling as he doesso.
Damien
(Cont'd)Mummy. I made Uncle Rodney
turn his hands over.
Rodney sighs in relief. Del, dressed in suit but minus
shoes, enters from the kitchen.
DelAlright, I grant you things
are a bit bleak at the moment.
RodneyThat's like saying the
Antarctic's a bit nippy.
DelOur fortune lies just
around the next corner. In
fact, I'd go so far as tosay, this time next year,
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we'll be millionaires. I
mean, we're there wherethe big opportunities
happen. We are in the veryforefront of theenterprise-cultured.
Rodney
Enterprise cul... You're
so enterprising you boughta load of horse-ridingcrash helmets! Didn't youstop to think for one
moment that Peckham is notbig show-jumping country?
Del
We'll sell 'em, don't worry. I don't know what's
the matter with you. Youseemed to have stoppedbelieving. Mum said to me
on her deathbed...
RodneyOh no!
DelShe said, 'Del Boy, never
stop believing. Cos if youstop believing you've
nothing left to hope for.'
RodneyYou've got to have a dream,if you don't have a dream,
then how you gonna have a
dream come true?
Del
That's exactly what shesaid Mum - she never
stopped believing - evenafter you were born.
RodneyYeah, well that's all
very well, but when...What's that supposed to
mean? 'Even after I wasborn'?
DelDon't get me wrong, it
weren't your fault andnone of us blamed you.
Rodney
What wasn't my fault?
Del
Well, you being a problem child.
Rodney
I wasn't a problem child! I
was a good boy.
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Del
Yes, but you did have aproblem - you kept getting
taller.
Rodney
What did you want me to do,stay at two foot four the
rest of me life?
DelSee, most boys could wearthe same trousers for a
year and a half, butafter a couple of months
they'd look like Bermudashorts on you.
Rodney
Well most of the picturesI've got of me as aschoolboy I was wearing
short trousers anyway.
DelNo, Rodney, they might
have looked like shorttrousers but they weren'tshort trousers. If you
look very carefully atthe bottoms of the legs
you'll find that they areall fraying. That's where
two months earlier they'dbeen rubbing on yourshoes. Never stop
believing Rodders. Right,
I've gotta make a phonecall then we'll getgoing.
Del exits to the bedrooms area.
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a cup of tea.
RodneyThis is difficult.
Albert
What's wrong?
Rodney
Well, I've got a bit ofgood news and a bit of
bad news for Del... I'm applying for another job.
Albert
Yeah? What's the bad news?
Rodney
That is the bad news! Thegood news is I'll stay on
with Del until he findssomeone suitable to
replace me.
Albert
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Well, that should take him
about half an hour.
RodneyYeah, you won't be sayingthat when I'm the managing
director of something willyou?
AlbertYou got something lined upthen?
Rodney produces the Peckham Echo.
RodneyThere's a job advertised in
the paper. Listen to this:(Reading from
newspaper)'Local company seeksambitious, energetic and
creative young person to
join its successful salesforce.' Well, who theydescribing?
AlbertNo, go on.
Rodney
It's me!
AlbertIs it?
Rodney
Yes! (Reading on)'Experience with computers
an advantage but notessential. Successful
applicant will receive fulltraining, good salary andcompany vehicle.' Well, I'm
experienced withcomputers.
Albert
I know. But you've nevergot one to work yet.
RodneyOh, shuddup!
Albert exits to his bedroom laughing.
INT. DAY. DEL'S AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Raquel is in dressing gown and putting clothes on hangerand back in the wardrobe. Del is dressed, minus shoes,
and is talking on his new mobile phone.
Del(On phone)
Yes... I'll call in this
afternoon and sign all theforms. Yes, thank you.
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Bonjour.
(Switches thephone off)
Look at that, me newdigital phone, clear as abell.
Raquel
Was that the clinic you
were talking to?
DelYeah. I'm having it done
next Tuesday.
RaquelYou're serious about this,
aren't you?
DelOh yeah, never been moreserious.
RaquelLook, Del, volunteering forthis vasectomy is very
brave and thoughtful ofyou, and I'm flattered thatyou're doing it for me. But
you don't have to do it.
DelNo, I think it's for the
best, sweetheart.
Raquel
But if you get - you know,
sore - I don't want youcoming back to me andsaying, 'It's all your
fault, Raquel!'
DelAs if I would do that!
Del is now putting his shoes on and is some distancefrom his mobile phone. The mobile phone begins ringing.
Del
That's the first call on me new phone. Answer itdarling, will you? And be
posh!
RaquelWhat?
Del
Be posh.
Raquel
Yes, sir!
Raquel is now on the phone with a very exaggerated poshvoice.
RaquelHello, how may I help you?
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Raquel smiles at Del.
We now intercut with lounge.
Rodney
(On the BTphone)
Oh hello I'm phoning about
the job advertised in thePeckham Echo.
Cut to bedroom.
Raquel reacts as if she recognises Rodney's voice.
Raquel
(Very posh)Hold the line, caller.
(To Del)Have you put an ad in thePeckham Echo?
DelYeah, help for Rodney.Who's that?
RaquelRodney.
Del
Rodney? What's he phoning me for? He's only in the
bloody living room.
Raquel
No, he's applying for the
job.
Del
What? He's applying toassist himself!
(Smiles)I gotta think about this.Press hold, it plays music.
Raquel
(On phone)I'll put you on hold whilst
I connect you with our marketing department.
Cut to living room.
Rodney(On phone)
Thank you.
From Rodney's phone we hear a click and then "Old Shep"begins playing.
Rodney looks at the phone and thinks, 'Old Shep'? It isa strong clue, but he doesn't get it.
Cut to bedroom.
DelTreacherous little git! I'm
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Del
Alright, Rodders?
Rodney(On phone)
Just one moment please.
Yeah. T'riffic.
Del
(Scanning theroom)
I wanna make a call.Where's the phone?
Rodney
Erm - I'm using it, talking with Cassandra.
Del
She alright is she?
Rodney
Yeah, great.
DelGive her my love.
RodneyWill do.
Del
And give her yours as well.
RodneyEh?
Del
In my Modern Man book itsays it's very important totell the lady in your life
that you love her,especially when she's
pregnant. Go on, tell her.
Rodney
What? No, I feel embarrassed.
DelThere's only you and me
here and I suggested it. Goon, tell her.
RodneyLater.
Del
No, go on, tell her.
Rodney(Quietly)
God!
(On phone. Veryquickly so it's
almost indiscernible)I love you.
Del, about to enter kitchen, produces his phone and cupshis hands round the mouthpiece.
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Del(On phone)
Sorry, what was that?
Rodney
(On phone)Nothing. I coughed.
Del(On phone)
Oh, for a moment I thoughtyou said you loved me.
Rodney
(On phone)No, I just coughed. So
what exactly do you selland what would be the
successful applicantsduties?
Now Del enters from the kitchen. Rodney has his back to
Del. Del slowly moves forward until, for the finallines, he is standing next to Rodney.
Del(On phone asHardy)
Well we buy and sell any-thing we can lay our hands
on, isn't it? And you willbe expected to go down the
market and sell the oldcrap from a suitcase. Youcould be just the man for
the job, Mr Trotter. We're
always on the lookoutfor...(Now adopting
his ownvoice)
Devious little plonkerslike you!
Rodney looks at Del - now down at Del's phone. He nowjust looks at his own phone.
Rodney
(On phone)Did you put that ad in thepaper, Derek?
Del
(On phone)Yes I did, Rodney!
Rodney hangs up.
RodneyI don't believe it! The job
in the paper I reallyfancied and it was mine! So
what's going on then? Wereyou gonna find someone else
and then get rid of me?
Del
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No, Rodney. You were trying
to get rid of me! I waslooking for someone to help
you, in case you have toget away quickly because ofCassandra. I was just
tryin' to help you, Rodney,that's all.
Rodney is touched by Del's thoughtfulness.
RodneyI didn't realise. Thanks,
Del - and I'm sorry.
DelSo what's all this new job
lark?
RodneyIt really hit home theother day. When the baby's
born we gotta fill in the
birth certificate. There'sa section on there thatsays: 'Father's
Occupation'. And Ithought, what do I put? A gofer!
Del
No. You put 'SalesDirector.' I'm going to
expand, Rodney. From nowon, Rodders, you are incharge of sales and I'm
in charge of purchasing.
You'll be in the marketplace, you'll beselling. I'll be up
there in the factoriesand the warehouses
buying it. If one lineis selling particularly well, you get on the
blower to me and say,buy more of them Del.
Rodney
Yes! We should have donethis ages ago.
DelExpansion.
Rodney follows Del into the kitchen.
Rodney
And streamline the business.
Del
Yes. We'll expand bystreamlining! So, what
d'you say?
Rodney
I assume I'll receive inincrease in salary
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commensurable with my extra
responsibility and workload?
DelYes. Say fifteen per cent.
Rodney
But you don't pay me
regularly now.
DelWell, I'll have to owe you
more... Rodders, I feel asif we have just taken the
first step on the road toour horizon.
Rodney
Yeah, me too.
Del
Come on. Let's go down
Sid's caff. Historic moments always make mefancy a bacon roll.
INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. LOCATION.
Rodney is seated at the table eating a bun. Del issitting opposite finishing a fry-up. Del sees something
at the cafe window and panics.
DelQuick Rodney! Get down!
Del and Rodney hide beneath the table.
RodneyWhat's happening?
Del
It's that Doctor Singh!
We see a tall, well-built Sikh man looking through the
cafe window. Satisfied that Del is not there, heleaves.
Rodney and Del clamber out from beneath the table and
sit back in their seats.
Del
That was a close one.
RodneyHe's gonna catch us event-
ually.
DelYeah, well we'll cross thatbridge when we come to
it... Rodney, I've beenthinking.
Rodney
What about?
Del
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A vasectomy.
Rodney chokes on his bun. Del pats him on the back.
DelGone down the wrong hole
has it?
Rodney
Yeah. A vasectomy??
DelKeep the noise down!
Rodney
How does Raquel feel aboutit?
Del
No, I'm gonna have it done!
Rodney
I know that! Bloody hell! I
meant, have you discussedit with Raquel?
DelYeah, last night I said toher 'Sweetheart, I'm gonna
have a vasectomy.'
RodneySo it was quite an in-
depth discussion?
Del
You can't make these
decisions lightly.
Rodney
And what was her reaction?
DelWell, she was quiet for a while - then she started
laughing again. See, wecan't really afford
another nipper and weain't got room in the flat
anyway. And I don't thinkRaquel fancies havinganother baby, not after
Damien.
RodneyCan't blame her.
Del
How d'you mean?
Rodney
Well, it was a long labour, weren't it? She had a bad
time.
Del
That's right. So in the end we both agreed it was for
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the best. And what do we
want with another baby?We've got Damien and he's
like two kids rolled intoone, ain't he?
RodneyAt least... Del, there are
other ways of not having a
child. Couldn't you, youknow, wear something inbed?
DelWear something - I've got
me new pyjamas - Ohgotchyer! No, too risky!
Rodney
What about a cap?
Del
A cap?
RodneyI don't mean go to bed in
a beret. I mean a medicalsort of thing.
DelNo, don't fancy that.
Lennie Norris's missusused one of those and she
still fell for a kid. Youknow him, that boy downthe market with the flat
head. See, me and Raquel
have only gotta look ateach other and she'sthree months gone. I must
be full of hormones.
RodneyI'm full of hormones as well! You can't get any
more hormones into me.Doctor said.
Del
Yeah, but I think I musthave loads of, youknow... tadpoles.
Rodney
Tadpoles?
DelThose things you see on
the telly under the microscope.
RodneyI've got loads of them as
well!
Del
Yeah, but I must have moretadpoles than the
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Serpentine!
Rodney
Funny innit? I'm juststarting off and you'reputting a stop to it.
Del
Yeah, it's a funny old
world.
RodneyYou gonna have it done at
the hospital?
DelWell, I ain't letting
Trigger do it with hisBlack and Decker, am I?
RodneyI mean, are you going to
the hospital or the local
clinic?
Del
The clinic. I want youradvice. Before I have ityou know - done.
Rodney
Yeah?
DelWell, a lot of these richand successful go to one of
these bans and leave their
- tadpoles.
Rodney
Do they?
DelYeah, I read it in my book.D'you think I should do
that?
RodneyYou could. I don't know how
Nat West'll feel about it.
Del
No, special banks thatfreeze things. Then, when
I'm rich and famous, futuregenerations will be able to
use it. There could be lotsof little Damien’s every-
where.
Rodney
No! What I mean is, itcould upset Raquel.
Psychologically, she mightthink you were being
unfaithful. You know how a
woman's mind works.
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Del
I never thought of that.Well done, bruv. Come on,
onwards and upwards.Rodney, don't tell anyoneabout this, will you?
Rodney
Of course not.
They move towards the door.
Del
(Cheerfully)Thank you very much, Sid,
that was horrible asusual.
Sid
(Equally cheerful)All the best, Del.
Del exits. Rodney is about to exit.
RodneySid. Del's having a
vasectomy.
Sid
A vasectomy?(To the other
diners)Del Boy's having a
vasectomy.
Rodney exits leaving the entire cafe discussing Del's
vasectomy.
INT. DAY. SURGICAL THEATRE. DREAM SEQUENCE.
A frightened Del is laid on a surgical bed. He is wear-ing a surgical gown which is done up down to the thighs.
We see his large legs. A white-coated middle-aged nurseis exiting the room.
NurseThe doctor will be with you
in a moment.
DelThank you, nurse.
Del looks at the instruments tray. He sees a scalpel which twinkles with razor-sharpness. The door opens
and Doctor Singh enters. He smiles at Del.
Dr SinghMr Trotter.
Del(Terrified)
Doctor Singh. Em, aboutthat paint I sold you for
your surgery.
Dr Singh
Oh, let's not worry aboutthat, I have work to do.
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He picks up the scalpel.
Dr Singh(Cont'd)
Not nervous are you?
Del
Just a tad you know. It's
my first time.
Dr Singh(Laughing almost
evilly)Mine too!
Del visibly gulps. Dr Singh pulls Del's gown open in a
brusque manner.
Del flinches.
Dr Singh
(Apparently examining
vitals)Mmh mmh... Mmmh... You'rea big man, Mr Trotter.
DelOh, thank you doctor.
Dr Singh pats Del's stomach.
Dr Singh
You should go on a diet.(Laughs)
I always say that, just to
relax the patient.
DelYeah, I've got to remember
that one ext time I've gotsome bloke's vitals in me
hand.
Dr Singh
I'll give you a smallinjection just to numb the
area.
DelOh thank you.
The Doctor now produces a large hypodermic syringe witha long needle.
He approaches Del.
Dr Singh
This might sting a bit.
Del opens his mouth to cry out in fear.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Del is in bed asleep. He wakes from his nightmare and
cries out.
Del
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Aaarghhh!
Raquel
What's wrong?
Del
Eh? Oh, nothing! Bad dream.Can't remember what it was
about now. This, em, this
vasectomy idea. What d'youreally think about it?
Raquel
I don't mind, honest.
DelAlright, Raquel, you win! I
won't have it done.
EXT. DAY. NELSON ANDELA HOUSE.
The three-wheeled van pulls up and Del and Rodney alight.
Del opens the back of the van and takes his suitcase out.
RodneySo what finally put you off
the vasectomy then? Didn’thave the balls?
Rodney laughs.
DelNo, I wasn't frightened! It
was a medical reason. See,I kept thinking about thetadpoles.
RodneyWhat about 'em?
DelWell... where do they go?
RodneyHow d'you mean?
Del
Well when you have theoperation it stops 'em
going, well, their normalroute so where do they go?
RodneyWere you worried about 'em
hanging round on streetcorners?
Del
All I'm saying is they'vegotta go somewhere. It gotto such a point I thought
I'd be frightened tosneeze.
Now Doctor Singh appears as if from nowhere.
Dr SinghAah! Caught you at last, Mr
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Trotter.
Del
Doctor Singh, how nice tosee you again.
Dr SinghHave you seen my surgery
lately? This paint you sold
me is peeling off in greatchunks. It's a medicalpractice, Mr Trotter, andit looks as if my walls
have got scabies! Patientsare leaving me.
Del
Yes. The thing is, DrSingh, we didn't realise
until some time after thatthe paint was ever soslightly out of date, did
we, Rodney?
RodneyNo. We spotted a tin and
noticed it said: 'Use byJune 1983'.
Dr SinghWell I want something done
about it and fast!
DelYes of course, DoctorSingh. I'll have a member
of my painting and
decorating department callon you tomorrow.
Dr SinghIf you don't Mr Trotter...
Doctor Singh points a threatening finger at Del.
Dr Singh(Cont'd)
I'll be back!
Doctor Singh moves away towards a small pop-pop motorbike.
DelYes, thank you, Doctor
Singh. Missing youalready... 'I'll be back'!
He always says that. Didyou know that's why
they've nicknamed him theTurbanator? TheTurban-ator. Geddit?
Rodney
I don't believe you some-times! Doctor Singh is an
honest and law-abiding
man. You new that paint was iffy.
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DelHow was I supposed to know?
What am I, some sort ofpain expert?
We see Doctor Singh driving off on his small motorbike.
Del
(Cont'd)Don't give me all thatrubbish about him being alaw-abiding man! Look,
riding that bike without wearing a crash helmet.
Rodney
He's a Sikh! Under the lawSikhs are excused crashed
hats! I mean, how's hegonna get a helmet overthat turban?
DelYeah, I didn't think ofthat. I suppose that's why
you never see a Sikhastronaut.
Rodney(Sighs)
More than likely, Del.
Rodney enters the flats. Del watches Mr Singh drivingaway.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Wall clock stands at 5.30. Albert is reading a news-paper.
We hear Rodney's and Del's raised voices from the open
door to the bedrooms area.
Rodney
(OS)I am not wearing it, OK?
It's half past five andthat's my going home time!
Del(OS)
Rodney, opportunities don'tstop presenting themselves
just 'cos Cassandra's putthe sprouts on! At least
see how it looks so we canget an overview.
Rodney(OS)
This is bloody stupid, Deland I'm not doing it!
Del
(OS)
Since when has a safety-device been stupid? This
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little invention of mine
could help prevent seriousinjury. I mean just
imagine, there are millions of Sikhs all overthe world driving motor
cycles who are completelyunprotected.
Rodney enters from the bedrooms area. He is wearing hisnormal clothes but strapped to his head is one of Del'shorse-riding protective helmets with a turban wrappedround it.
Del opens his arms expansively as if to say: look how
wonderful Rodney looks. Albert looks at Rodney, shakeshis ead sadly, and returns to his paper.
Del
And the answer to theirproblems in y new company -TCT!
AlbertTCT?
DelTrotters Crash Turbans.This is our opportunity to
do something for our fellow man.'
Rodney
It's also an opportunityfor you to get rid of them horse-riding crash-hats you
got lumbered with.
DelHang about, this is a
stereototype, Rodney.
RodneyIt's not even a prototype!It's a show-jumping helmet
with one of Raquel's oldscarfs glued on top!
Del
Exactly! That's becauseRaquel is one hundred percent behind this project!
She said, 'Take whateveryou need Del, I wanna do my
bit for mankind'.
Rodney sees himself in the mirror.
RodneyLook! Look! I mean... Look!
DelI think you look rather
dashing.
Rodney
I look like a human-cannonball who's crashed
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into someone's washing line.
Del
God, I hate vanity! Rodney,think of this in humanit-arian terms. Every time a
Sikh bloke gets on a motorbike, like our friend
Mr Singh, he is taking his
life in his hands. That's why you never see gangs ofSikh Hell's Angels. Butonce these come on the
market they'll all bedashing around like Barry
Sheen. As soon as you'vetaken this over to
Southall and Wembley andshown the Sikh community
in all its glory...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Take it over and show 'em?
Del
They will be buying theseby the thousand. Thenwe'll be selling through-
out Asia and America and Australia.
Rodney
You expect me to go overand sell it?
Del
You are my new director ofsales aren't you?
RodneyThey'll smash my head in!
DelOf course they won't,
they're peaceful lovingpeople. Anyway even if they
do, you'll be wearing aTrotter Crash Turban! A
perfect opportunity toprove how effective it is!You know it makes sense.
Rodney
All I know is I am notstepping outside this door
dressed like this!
Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying cutlery anddinner things which she takes to the table.
Raquel shows no reaction to Rodney's condition.
RaquelAlright, Rodney.
RodneyHiya, Raquel.
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AlbertDuring the war.
DelWill you shut up? Can't
you see that Rodney and Iare in the middle of a
very important board
meeting and we are notinterested in U-Boats orgiant squids!
AlbertI was just gonna say that
during the war I spent sometime in India and I got to
know a little about theSikh religion. And what I
discovered was; to a Sikhthe turban has supposed toenter the body. In other
words it has to be in
contact with the head.
Rodney
Yeah, see this thingdoesn't touch the head 'costhere's a bloody horse
riding helmet in between!
DelAlright, I'll stick a bit
underneath so it istouching the head! Ihaven't finished the
design yet! What d'you
think of it, Raquel?
Raquel
I can't see it catching on,Del. I mean, what would
you wear with it?
Raquel laughs. She now spots something.
Raquel
(Cont'd)Is that my scarf?
DelI'll get you another one,
don't worry.
RaquelYou've got a nerve, Trotter!
Del
Look at it again, Raqueland realise this is not afashion statement.
Raquel
I guessed that, Derek. Iguessed that!
DelIt's a safety device.
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RodneyDel, people'd rather be
critically injured than wearthis!
The phone rings and Albert moves to answer it.
Del
Answer that will you? Youtake my word for it.Three months from nowyou'll see that thing on
Tomorrow's World.
RaquelMore like Wayne's World.
Rodney
I am not going onTomorrow's World lookinglike this.
AlbertRodney, it's Cassandra'sbank for you.
RodneyOh Gawd, I suppose she's
got another late meeting.(On phone)
Hello... When?
DelPeople laughed when theyinvented air bags.
RaquelNo they didn’t, it was agood invention.
Del
Alright, tell me oneinvention that waslaughed at when it was
first seen.
Raquel(Points to
Rodney's head)That!
Rodney(On phone)
Yeah, I'm on my way, thankyou.
Rodney replaces the receiver.
DelWhat's up, Rodders?
Rodney is too shocked for tears and emotions.
Rodney
They rushed Cassandra to
hospital. She's had a miscarriage.
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Del, Raquel and Albert just stare blankly at this news.
INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL/A&E WAITING AREA.
It should look over-crowded, under staffed and under-
funded.
In the background people are queuing to register at the
admin' counter. Nurses and doctors are rushing to andfro.
Hospital staff are carrying more seriously ill patients
on stretchers.
There are parents with crying children and babies, some-one with their arm in a make-shift sling, someone in a
track-suit, their broken ankle heavily bandaged, someone with blood over their eyes and nose where they have
taken a fall or beaten up and elderly couples,frightened and just waiting patiently.
Walking around and through the seated patients is a
young man who is generally being a pain in the arse toeveryone. He is six feet tall and well built. He wearsscruffy jeans and an equally scruffy T-shirt. He is
unshaven and you would guess, in his private life, is adrunkard and a bully. He is used to shouting andfrightening people and therefore getting his own way.
He's the kind of guy you would love to see someone beatup.
Man
(Shouting at thepassing staff)
Are you lot having a laugh
with me or something? I've
been here nearly twenty minutes already and theonly person in this poxy
hospital who's spoken to me is that old cow.
The man indicates the registration clerk.
ReceptionistI'm sorry sir, but we're
very busy, we'll attend toyou as soon as we can.
Now, if you'd like to takea seat.
ManI'll tell you what I'd
like to do darling. I'dlike to take a seat and
chuck it through thatbleedin' window.
During this Del and Rodney have entered through the maindoors. Rodney is in a state of shock and fear.
Del
Take it easy, Rodney,everything's gonna be
alright.
Del approaches a sister.
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DelExcuse me, nurse. D'you
know which ward Mrs Trotteris in?
SisterAre you Mr Trotter?
DelYes, I am.
Sister
This way.
DelCome on, Rodders.
INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
The sister, followed by Del, who is followed by Rodney, move down the corridor until they come to a gown room.
The sister produces a theatre gown and hat.
Sister
(To Del)Put these on. It's just aprecaution.
Del puts gown, etc, on.
Rodney is just standing in the background like a spare
one. The sister indicates down the corridor.
Sister
(Cont'd)
Mrs Trotter is in a singleroom, number 46, on theright. Please remember she
is, naturally, and veryupset and we don't want
her being excited in any way.
DelThanks.
Del moves off.
RodneyCan I put one of them on?
For the first time the Sister is aware of Rodney.
Sister
Who are you?
RodneyI'm her husband.
Sister(Referring to the
fast disappearingDel)
Who the hell's that then?
Rodney
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Right.
Del
OK. Good boy.
Del opens the door.
INT. NIGHT. SINGLE WARD/ROOM 46.
Cassandra is seated in the bed propped up by pillows.She is just staring blankly at the wall in front of her.The door opens and Rodney and Del enter.
Rodney smiles to her.
RodneyThe bank phoned and told
me.
Cassandra smiles back to him and then breaks down.
Cassandra
(Tearfully, almost
like a child)I'm sorry, Rodney!
Del breaks down crying. After his big corridor speech,Rodney allows himself a glance at the sobbing Del. Henow moves to Cassandra.
Rodney
What are you saying sorryfor? Don't be silly.
CassandraI let you down! I let
everyone down!
RodneyOf course you didn't! It
happens, Cass, it justhappens. There was nothing
you or I could do.
Del
You didn't let anyone downsweetheart. And don't
blame yourself. You tellher, Rodney. This time
next year - go on, tellher.
RodneyYeah I will.
(Joining Del)Look, I think maybe this'd
be a good time for us tobe on our own to discuss a
few things.
Del
Yeah, I think you're right,bruv. Cassandra, me and
Rodney are gonna popoutside for a little chat.
RodneyNo, I meant me and
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Cassandra should be on our
own.
DelOf course! Yes, right!
(To Cassandra)
I'll see you later,Cassandra. And...
Del doesn't know what to say.
Del(Cont'd)
You know I'll wait for yououtside, Rodders.
Del exits and closes the door. Rodney sits by the bed
and takes Cassandra's hand.
Cassandra looks into his eyes but cannot find any words.
Cassandra
(Crying)I lost our baby.
RodneyI know. I can't leave youalone with anything, can I?
Rodney smiles at her.
Cassandra smiles back through her tears. They hug each
other.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
We're gonna get over this,Cass, and we're gonna win. And d'you know why? It's
because we are strong -very strong. Things are
gonna get better andbetter and better for us.Or as Del would say,
betterer.
Cassandra(Smiling)
I love you, Rodney.
Rodney
And I love you, Cass. Ilove you so much.
INT. NIGHT. A&E WAITING ROOM.
The scruffy bully boy is still walking round and
complaining loudly.
We now see Mike talking to a doctor. He has a bandage on
his forehead.
MikeIt sort of burnt me right
across the forehead here.
He produces Del's hair dryer.
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Mike(Cont'd)
See, the bloke what sold itto me said it was a hair-dryer, it turns out to be
an electric paint-stripper.
Doctor
Come with me, Mr Fisher.
The Doctor and Mike move off.
ManWhy's he getting seen before
me?
Del, in gown and cap, enters.
Man(Cont'd)
I don't know why people
bother paying their
national health stamps. IfI'd ever had a job I wouldn't have paid for
'em.
Receptionist
Will you please keep yourvoice down?
Man
No. It's a free countryand I'll shout as much asI want! Well, like you're
looking after all these
bloody malingerers - Ishould be top of yourlist.
We see Del eyeing the man. There is a vengeful look on
Del's face.
Man
(Cont'd)I took some pills earlier,
no I've no idea what theyare 'cos I was drunk, but
they're starting to upset me! You nurses are always whinging about getting poor
wages. You don't deserveanything better 'cos do you
hear that, you're allsodding useless.
Del approaches.
DelExcuse me, sir.
The man turns.
Man
What?
Del now chins him with a crisp right-hander. The man is
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catapulted backwards by the force of the blow. The back
of his legs hit a low table and he somersaults on hisback. He ends up sprawled on the floor with his head
resting up against a wall. Del approaches.
Del
Feeling any better?
The man is glassy-eyed and frightened.
ManYes, thank you, doctor.
DelAll part of the service.
Bonjour.
As Del passes an elderly couple who have witnessed theincident in wide-eyed surprise.
Del(Cont'd)
I bet you wish you'd gone
private, don't you?
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