parenting

Do We Really Need Parental Training?

Devashish Konar, MD, Consultant Psychiatrist, Kolkata

PARENTING

Messages that I want to reach the parents through this presentation...

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PARENTING EVOLUTIONARILY PERFECTED

Parenting is a function of Paleopallium, which is in existence with animal beings for many million years. Now in the 21st century when man is after understanding & perfecting everything, parenting is no exception. It is true that, at times, there are serious mistakes by not so competent or careful parents. An understanding of common failures and ways to correct them may be needed in few situations.Awareness about what we do, why we do and how we do may be a good thing but, anything, which is good in natural flow, should be allowed to retain its beauty and charm.

Neopallium

Paleopallium

Archipallium

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PARENTING – SPECIFICITY IN CASE OF HUMAN BEINGS

To ensure survival is the chief task of parenting. The human infant is a particularly vulnerable creature, unable to look after itself until well into its middle childhood. In complex modern societies, the need for parental protection and supported living is stretching beyond middle childhood.

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MIX INTELECTUALISM JUDICIOUSLY WITH BIOLOGICAL PARENTING

It is very difficult to have validated data in case of parenting.

Mostly we go by empirical theories which sound rational and broadly based on psychological principles.

You just have to keep the theories at back of your mind.

You definitely do not want to interfere with natural parenting which comes biologically.

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THE RIGHT MIX

Whether biological or intellectual parenting should be advocated.

Too little awareness may harm parenting.

Too much of intellectual dissecting also may harm parenting.

Some bit of awareness with biological parenting may be the ideal combination.

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FUNCTIONAL AREAS

Parenting is not a single generic activity but one made up of numerous elements involving every aspect of the child’s functioning.

Physical health

Intellectual and educational function

Social behaviour

Mental health

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PARENTING – CHANGING SCENARIO

The significant rise in the status of mothers as women. Their ability to pursue careers in their own right, all press towards reduced involvement in parenting. Positive effect Negative effect Necessary arrangements

Rising interest of fathers in parenting. Pruning of family networks and consequent necessary arrangements.

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AWARENESS AT THE BACK OF MIND

Let’s not be mechanical, lest we will ruin the charm of childhood and parenting.

Individual own themselves and not their children.

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The most important thing, a father can do for his children, is to love their mother.

– Theodore Hesburgh

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PREPARE FOR THEM BEFORE THEY COME TO YOUR WORLD

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TODDLERS SAFETY

Make sure your crawling baby or toddler can’t get into the cleaning

products or electrical outlets.

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SPEED MATCHING

Every child has his or her own speed.

Unless he is hyperactive, which may need treatment sometimes, you need to acknowledge this speed and should try to adjust with this speed.

Otherwise the child is put into discomfort.

You being the mature one, you are expected to make more speed matching than expecting the child to match your speed.

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RESPECT YOUR CHILD

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SIMPLE MANIPULATIONS MAY BRING GREAT RESULTS

If you want to correct abnormal situations in children assistance may be needed Eating Sleeping Temper tantrums

Parent if inept may need help Intelligence Adjustment problem Addiction

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TEACH THEM TO AVOID JUNK FOOD

But make some concessions for the food of their choice. 16

There are two gifts we can give

our children:

One is roots.

The other is wings.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD

Do not underplay the role of others. It is a job you can never do

alone.18

DON’T DEPRIVE THEM FROM THEIR FANTASY LIFE

Garuda

Dragon

Unicorn

Sphinx

Phoenix

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WHETHER YOU LIKE OR NOT;

Children like to be with grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, cousins, the house-maid and then finally the parents. 20

EXTRA SUPPORT WHEN THEY ARE THROUGH TOUGH TIMES

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DON’T GIVE THEM PUNISHMENT WHEN THEY ARE BEING PUNISHED ELSEWHERE.

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BE WITH THEM; NOT NECESSARILY GUIDE THEM ALWAYS.

What they like is your company. 23

MEETING GENERATION GAP

Children and Adolescents have their peer group pressure to learn new technology, to dress exotically and to try new adventures.

Do not just discard them by saying this was not done in your time.

Remember this too is your time and if anything is popular at this point of time you need to acknowledge that and allow your children to be part of that.

Little bit of change and little bit of old values make a good mix and helps adjust both the generations.

If you are rigid implementing values of your own generation you simply spoil the relationship with the new generation.

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OPEN-ENDEDNESS: DON’T TEACH YOUR BELIEFS AND CONVICTIONS

Keep their minds open to ideas.

You can tell them about your beliefs. Don’t force your beliefs on them.

Being exposed to all kinds of ideas, they may come out with something better.

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CHILDREN ARE BY NATURE PLAYFUL

Don’t need to present expensive toys all the time.

Provide them with time, opportunity and company to play.

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CHILDREN ARE USUALLY COPY CATS

So give them a good role model27

NO DOUBLE STANDARD PLEASE

You don’t want him to be hooked to TV.

You want your son to be interested in literature and want him to read lot of books.

But you prefer watching TV and not reading.

They don’t go together.

WISDOM STOREIDIOT BOX28

LEARNING

If I can not learn the way you teach, teach me the way I can learn

Each child should have winning experience Education & Examination have become synonymous for parents

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ALLOW FREE TIME

You need to keep free time for your child if you want him to be creative.

Look at yourself how many brilliant ideas come to you when you are bogged down by a 12 hrs working schedule.

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OUR FRAME OF MIND MUST CHANGE

In our country we always like our children to be thinking within the box.

Innovation comes from thinking outside the box.

Independent thinking, experimenting and entertaining different ideas with respect is

needed to be innovative.

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EXPOSE HIM TO THE WORLDA monkey in the forest will know that the world is like a forest.

Exposure makes your vision broad.

If you want your son to be involved in the affairs of the world expose him to the world.

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DEALING WITH INNOCENT MINDS

Be positive.

More praise.

Try to see the behaviour from child’s perspective.

What is small for adult could be huge issue for the child.

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HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN THOUGHT TO THESE ISSUES?

Leisure

Adventure

Co-curricular activities

Sexuality

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IT IS GOOD IDEA BUT IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK WITH MY CHILD !

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CHILD CHALKS OUT OWN PROGRAMME

Allow flexibility 36

RIGHT DOSE OF ADVERSITY

Care and exposure to adversities both in proper dose.

Look at the plants adversities sometimes brings out the best shape size and colour of the plant, provided adversities are not severe enough to thwart the growth.

Focus on resilience

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SO WHERE DO WE START?

An effective parent

A consistent parent

An active parent

An attentive parent

Your word and actions influence your child the way you want them to.

You follow similar principles or practices in your words and actions.

You participate in your child’s life.

You pay attention to your child’s life and observe what goes on.

Unconditional love

Reliable care

Authoritarian approach

Secure Attachment 39

Authoritative Uninvolved Authoritarian Indulgent

PARENTING TYPES:

MAJOR ISSUES

Early childhood Disobedience Tantrums Demanding Bad eating habits

Late childhood Discipline problem at schools

Early teen Self-esteem

Late teen Relationship

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DOES YOUR CHILD……?

Get frustrated easily? Disrespect his or her friends? Disrespect your family? Stress easily? Have an inability to express needs appropriately? Have little empathy towards others? Make poor choices? Often seem moody? Refuse to take NO for an answer? Take no responsibility for behavior? Not talk about feelings? Often seem in a negative mood. Have a difficult time making friends?

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COMMON PROBLEMS

ADHDLearning difficulties ODDConduct & Behaviour like, lying, stealing. TantrumBed wetting Autism DepressionObsession

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AVOID OVER PARENTING

Give him time when he is away from your eyes and lives his own way.

He will find out his own interests.

He becomes confident in handling his own problems.

If you are parenting him well, your figure is present within him even if you are

not around.

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AVOID UNDER PARENTING

He has to learn to discriminate between good & bad.

He has to imbibe sense of ethics.

Under parenting somehow may make him independent to the extent that he does not understand other value of going by norms of society and may undergo unwarranted difficulties in facing the world.

Try to optimise between over-parenting and under-parenting.

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PARENTING CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES

Mental health problem

Physical handicap

Chronic illness

Terminal illness

Parenting gifted children may be even more

difficult ! 45

UNUSUAL PARENTING

One parent families

Stepfamilies

Adoptive and foster families

Families formed by artificial reproduction techniques

The fostering of stability in children’s lives is pivotal to their well-being, regardless of family

structure.

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ALAS! WE WERE ABLE TO SEE, THE WAY, A CHILD WANTED THIS WORLD TO BE !!

Thank you. 47