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Amanda Nickerson, Ph.D. Director of Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse Prevention
Associate Professor of Counseling, School and Educational Psychologyogynickersa@buffalo.edugse.buffalo.edu/alberticenter
* This presentation has been posted as a resource and tool for educators and the general
public. Feel free to share and download the presentation provided that appropriate credit is given to the Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse Prevention.
The Challenge of Bullying: Tips for Parents
The Social World of Youth
Peer Relationships: Infancy through Adolescence
How Parents Can Help
Bullying
What it is and What it is Not
Warning Signs
Tips for Preventing Bullying and Cyberbullying
What to do if your Child is Bullying, Being Bullied, or is Bystander
Overview
The Social World of Youth
The Social World
Youth learn how to navigate the social world through relationships
Parent-child
Teacher-student
Sibling
Peers (classmates, friends, cliques, crowds, romantic partners)
These relationships can provide positive support (intimacy, opportunities to learn social-emotional skills)
but can also contribute to problems and negativity
Peer Relationships: Infancy through Preschool
Infancy (first year) Short, reciprocal interaction
Older infancy and toddlerhood Focus on objects, imitation
Development of language, play, and early friendship
Preschool More time with peers in spontaneous and pretend play
Conflict (struggle over objects, protection of interactive space)
Can lead children to resist letting others play
Boys – larger groups, competition, hero/rescue, rough and tumble
Girls – smaller groups, conversation, cooperation
Normative aggression (temper tantrums, fighting over toys)
How Parents can Help in Infancy and Preschool
Provide warmth, love, respond to basic needs
Be proactive in anticipating problems
Provide consistent, structured routine for sleep, eating, playing
Set firm limits on behavior; balance with warmth and support
Limit or do not allow television
Peer Relationships: Elementary School-Age (Middle to Late Childhood)
Size, shape, and variability of peer interactions widen
Contributes to hierarchies of power and popularity
May hold negative views about people in “other” categories
Play is more organized (sports, board games, tag)
Aggressive behavior decreases substantially with language development and self-regulation skills
Moves from more physical to indirect/relational (harming others through exclusion)
How Parents can Help in Middle and Later Childhood
Talk with child every day about school, friends, interests
Closely monitor school and social adjustment; supervise activities
Support involvement in interests (scouts, sports, arts, music, other)
Get to know friends and their parents
Offer guidance in negotiating peer conflict & hurt feelings
Listen
Empathize with feelings (“You are sad about being left out”)
Set expectations and help teach problem-solving
Peer Relationships: Preadolescence
Number of close friends decreases
Loyalty, trust, and self-disclosure become more important
Cliques (~3-10 members) emerge
Helps with identity development
Group leaders have power to include or exclude
Intergroup biases
Concern about social position and acceptance
Concerns with physical appearance
Jealousy, enemies, guarding against rejection
Bullying increases
How Parents Can Help in Preadolescence
Read, watch, and talk about it
Share your experiences
Find books and other media
Help put it in perspective
Remind them of times of anger and hurt feelings, and how they got through
Foster interests and other social groups
Recognize bullying and take it seriously
Peer Relationships in Adolescence
Continue to spend more time with peers
Fewer friends, but more intimacy, self-disclosure, and discussion of personal problems
Cliques more mixed-sex
Emergence of peer subculture/crowds (reputation-based collective of similarly stereotyped individuals – athletes, nerds)
Romantic relationships (25% at age 12; 75% at age 18)
Alcohol, drug use, delinquent behavior, and early/unsafe sex
How Parents can Help in Adolescence
Model healthy relationships (in person and online)
Maintain a warm, caring, open relationship but set boundaries and high expectations
Encourage positive peer friendships (at your home – have food!, school activities, youth programs, religious groups)
Know teen’s friends and their parents
Express concerns, ask questions, and pay attention to warning signs
Don’t judge based on appearance alone; listen to what teen has to say; don’t overreact; get help when needed
Bullying
Alberti Center Slideshow: Bullying
Unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times (or is highly likely to be repeated)
Bullying may inflict harm or distress on the targeted youth including physical, psychological, social, or educational harm
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2014)
What is Bullying?
Physical bullying punching, shoving, acts that hurt people
Verbal bullying name calling, making offensive remarks
Indirect/relational bullying spreading rumors, excluding, ganging up
Cyber bullying sending insulting messages, pictures or threats by
e-mail, text messaging, chat rooms
Hinduja & Patchin (2009)
Types of Bullying
What is Harassment?
Creation of a hostile environment by conduct or by verbal threats, intimidation or abuse that has or would have the effect of unreasonably and substantially interfering with a student’s educational performance, opportunities or benefits mental, emotional or physical well-being fear for his or her safety
Protected classes in NYS Dignity for All Students Act Race, color, weight, national origin, ethnic group, religion,
religious practice, disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, sex
Dignity for All Students Act (effective 7.1.12)
Intent is to provide all public elementary and secondary school students with a safe and supportive environment free from discrimination, harassment, bullying, taunting or intimidation
http://www.p12.nysed.gov/dignityact/
Highlights of Dignity Act
Policy (Code of Conduct)
Dignity Act Coordinator
Instruction for students
School employee training
6 hours of training prior to certification
School employee reporting
Annual reporting
Fun Teasing:Fun, good-natured, “give &
take” between friends to get
both parties to laugh; mean
teasing is one-sided and
negative
Conflict: Struggle, dispute,
misunderstanding
Not Everything is Bullying!
Being rude:
Inadvertently saying
or doing something
that hurts someone
else
Stand Up If This Is Bullying
Two friends, Alex and Aaron, are working on a class project and they disagree about how to divide up the work. Aaron says “You’re such a loser; I don’t want to work with you.” The next day in school, the two barely speak to each other.
Brittany is very popular, and many of the girls want to be just like her. Brittany becomes friends with the new, quiet girl (Sharon), but then quickly “drops” her. Brittany tells her friends to ignore Sharon when she talks to them. Brittany tweets to several boys that Sharon likes them, when Sharon never said this.
Stand Up If This Is Bullying
Joe is always joking – walking down the hall and burping in people’s faces and teasing (“Mama’s boy,” “Wimp”). Other students have learned to give it right back to him.
Joe (the one who likes to joke), starts calling Trey a “fag.” Trey tells him to cut it out, but Joe continues to do it in class, in the hallways, and outside of school. Trey starts taking alternate routes to school and class to avoid Joe. When the principal addresses it with Joe, he says that Trey just can’t take a joke.
Why Is Bullying a Problem?
It is common
1 in 3 have been involved in bullying at some point
It is hurtful
Low self-esteem, avoidance of school or social situations, depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts
School problems, relationship problems, rule-breaking behavior
Refer to others negatively (wimp, loser)
Lack empathy
Strong need to get own way
Hostile/defiant attitude
Anger easily
Deny involvement or blame others when behavior is addressed
Possible Signs of Bullying Others
Unexplained illnesses, cuts/bruises
Not wanting to go to school or be in social situations
Any change in behavior
Not interested in doing things used to like doing
Withdrawn
Change in friend group
Possible Signs of Being Bullied
Read, Watch, and Talk About it!gse.buffalo.edu/alberticenter
Tips for Parents: Preventing Cyberbullying
Watch your behavior (what do you text & post on Facebook?)
Supervise and limit activities (no 24/7)
Have computers in common areas (not in bedroom)
Know child’s password
Be friend on Facebook
Bring cell phones, computers to parents’ room to charge overnight
How Youth can Prevent Cyberbullying
Be a responsible digital citizen!
Only communicate things that you would be OK about grandparents and bosses seeing (anything and everything is permanent)
Follow rules (no Facebook under age of 13)
Beware of anonymous sites (Spring.me, formerly Formspring)
Do not share passwords with anyone (except parents)
Use the “off” switch
Do not respond to upsetting communications
If Your Child is Bullying Others
Try to figure out why (To be popular or powerful? Going along with the crowd? Being bullied and lashing out?)
Send clear, firm, and supportive message that the behavior is not OK and that it needs to change (meaningful consequences)
Involve child in developing alternate behaviors or ideas to gain leadership and “social status” that don’t involve bullying others
Work with school or community professional to plan for change
How Youth Can Help Themselves
Treat others with respect Use kind words
Think before you speak (or type or text)
Recognize when you are feeling frustrated, angry, or wanting to be mean to someone Find another way to handle it
Focus on something else
Talk to a friend or adult
Write down how you feel (not on social media)
If you have hurt someone else, take responsibility and try to make up for it (apologize, offer to help)
If Your Child is Being Bullied
Listen & empathize
“Tell me what happened”
“That must have been very scary for you”
Thank child for telling you
Take it seriously (do not minimize it)
Work with child to find out more about situation and to problem-solve
Responses like “just ignore it,” “give him a good whack,” what did you do to bother him or her?” won’t help
Work in partnership with school and with outside professionals if needed
Follow-up
How Youth Can Help Themselves
Depending on the situation and your comfort: Try not to show it if it makes you upset, as that could make it
worse
Stand up straight, look the person in the eye, and say “Stop”(or “Get a life,” “Enough,” “Give it a rest”) in a calm, clear voice
Say something to deflect it or make a joke of it
Report it to a trusted adult
Stay close to adults and trusted peers/friends
If your Child Witnesses Bullying
Thank them for telling you
Listen to what happened
Empathize how it feels for the person being bullied (and for the bystanders)
Problem-solve safe and effective ways to intervene
How Youth can Help Others
Don’t join in… speak up if it is safe to do so
Band together as a group against bullies
Tell an adult about the bullying
Tattling/ratting = telling an adult to get someone in trouble
Telling/reporting = telling an adult because someone’s behavior is unsafe or hurtful to another
Reach out to isolated peers, offer support!
Be an Upstander, Not a Bystander
Final Messages
Helping youth navigate their social worlds can be challenging, but it is critically important
Parents make a huge difference – hang in there!
Bullying and harassment need to be addressed with the perpetrator, the target, and the bystanders
It takes all of us (students, parents, school, community, society) to make a difference, but it is possible
The best thing parents can do for their children is give them roots and wings.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Visit us: gse.buffalo.edu/alberticenterFollow us: @UB_BullyPrevCtr
Like us: www.facebook.com/UBBullyPrevCtrJoin us: LinkedIn UB Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse Prevention Group
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