setting boundaries and positive refusal skills

Setting Boundaries

Yes Alternatives!

Good Morning

Identify something you were Identify something you were asked to do that you did not asked to do that you did not want to do and did it anyway:want to do and did it anyway:

Identify a Identify a goal you goal you achieved in achieved in the last the last week and week and how it felt.how it felt.

One One ExpectationExpectation

Please answer the following:

Have you ever had someone ask you for a ride at the last minute when you were really busy… and you gave them the ride any- way?

Have you ever had someone want to

borrow something of yours and you did not want to lend it… but

you did?

Have you ever been asked to volunteer… and you resented

saying yes?

Have you ever been asked to do something and you knew it was

wrong but did not know how to respond…and you consented?

Consequences of “Yes”

We reduce our boundaries We promote lack of planning by

others We encourage the path of least

resistance Compromise self-worth

Good fences make good neighbors!Ralph Waldo Emerson

So why do we say So why do we say Yes?Yes?

Fear of rejection Obligation Payback Skills Beliefs

Irrational Beliefs: Albert Ellis

Love and ApprovalIt is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every

significant other person in their community.

Perfect – Good People say yes! I am a good person.One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or

else one is an inadequate, worthless person.

People are fair.People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they

do not. They are their bad acts.

It is easier to say yes than to be honest with myself. One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to

avoid them.

I do not control my own life - saying yes just affirms it. One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run

one's own life.

What gives you the right to say, No?

You have basic rights!

Respect

The decision to say The decision to say “No”“No” Importance of the

relationship

Health of the relationship

Long-term consequence

Rational or Irrational fear

Clear priorities require clear boundaries

Sandwich Technique

Elements of Elements of saying “No”saying “No”

Positive feeling message

Negative content message

Positive feeling message.

Positive Feeling Response:•Thank you for asking.•I can hear this is important to you!•I appreciate you thinking of me.•I can’t imagine the task that you have in front of you. (Empathic)

Negative Negative ContentContentSimple “No”

Do not make excuses!Do not make excuses!

Conditional Conditional No’sNo’s I would be glad to help I would be glad to help ifif….….

I would be glad to take you to the mall I would be glad to take you to the mall whenwhen… …

I would be willing to help you if I would be willing to help you if you willyou will……

I am not available I am not available but feel free tobut feel free to ask me ask me next week.next week.

Positive Feeling :

Thank you again for considering me.

I appreciate you thinking of me.

If you can give me a week’s notice I would be glad to help you out.

Circumstances:Practice makes perfect.

Id partnerId circumstances

Role play

FamilyFamilyTypes of request

Last minute rides/requestsBorrow the car

ChildrenChildren

Types of requestRide to mall/team practice

I forgot my homework can you bring it to school?

Toys

Friends/NeighborsFriends/NeighborsTypes of requests

Property/timeBorrow tools/clothes

Cars Rides

Parties

REFUSAL REFUSAL SKILLSFocus on what you will do,

not on what they have to do.

You do not solve a problem by creating one for others.

The Language of The Language of RefusalRefusal You are welcome to stay but I am going.

You are welcome to have a party at your house but I am not willing to have one here.

I can appreciate your interest but I am not willing to do that.

Refusal skills Focus on what you will Focus on what you will

do, not on what they do, not on what they have to do.have to do.

You are welcome to … but I You are welcome to … but I am going to stay.am going to stay.

Thank you for offering but I Thank you for offering but I am not hungry.am not hungry.

Empathy

Empathy

Does not assume control

Validates a person

Accesses the heart

Opens voluntary communications

Respond with Empathy

I am sorry you feel that way... You look really tired... You seem to have a lot of energy... That must be really

uncomfortable Help me understand Humm... That must feel terrible...

•No problem No problem (Go do it yourself!)(Go do it yourself!)

•Good Try Good Try (You are ugly!)(You are ugly!)

•Thanks for sharingThanks for sharing (You don’t love me) (You don’t love me)

•Bummer Bummer •I am sorry you feel that way.I am sorry you feel that way.

Don’t get hookedAvoid Fights!

Empathetic Listening

Be empathetic: I can hear this is important to

you.

You look frustrated.

I have had similar feelings.

You sound frustrated.

.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IS THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT

THING,

IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!