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SPECIAL REPORT
The 4 Simple Secrets To
Successful Parenting After Divorce
By Carolyn B. Ellis,
Founder, Thrive After Divorce Inc.
©2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
1
The 4 Simple Secrets To Successful
Parenting After Divorce
Congratulations for downloading this special report from Thrive After
Divorce.
One thing I already know about you is that you’re a separated or
divorced parent who wants to do the right thing by your
children. If you are reading this, you want to learn strategies to make
you the best single parent you can possibly be. You want to grow in a
positive and inspiring way after divorce.
Somewhere you’ve decided your goal is to not just “survive” your
divorce. You realize that you want more than mere survival. You don’t
want to be stuck in the past while trying to create a new future.
At some point you said to yourself, and perhaps you even did this
unconsciously, “I want to THRIVE after divorce!” That desire has led
you to finding this special report that will give you 4 simple secrets to
do just that.
I believe that as traumatic and as difficult as it can be, divorce can in
fact be a huge gift. Imagine that it’s just waiting to be unwrapped and
will give you amazing information about how to be the most
incredible, powerful and loving YOU!
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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I support you in your choice to THRIVE after divorce! Do it for
yourself. Do it for your children.
When Parenting Collides with Divorce
When I started my family over 15 years ago, I had dreams of living
happily ever after. My children would grow up and start happy families
of their own. My husband and I would grow old together, reminiscing
in our rocking chairs about what a beautiful life’s journey we had
shared. Did you have a fairy tale dream like this too?
Those dreams of living “happily ever after” come crashing
down when one of you utters the words, “I want a divorce.”
Parenting and divorce are two of life’s greatest challenges and they
can both strike you at the same time when you become separated.
You are not alone. The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts
estimates that over 33 million people are divorced and another 5
million are separated in North America.* New divorces this year alone
in North America will involve well over 1 million children! The latest
estimates are that between 44% and 50% of marriages will end in
divorce. *- 2005 data compiled by the IDFA.
Divorce definitely is a major cause of stress. Becoming divorced rips
through the entire fabric of your life. It affects you not only
emotionally, but financially, socially and in some cases professionally
and geographically as well.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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The Social Readjustment Rating Scale (Miller, Rahe 1997), ranks
various life changes with a point scale according to level of stress. A
score below 125 means you’re at low risk of stress. A score above 300
puts you at a high risk of stress and potential illness. Just take a look
at some of the stress factors that can be involved in a typical divorce:
Example of Factors in a Typical Divorce
Divorce
Major change in living conditions
Change in family get-togethers
Major change in health or
behavior of family members
Major decision about immediate
future
Decreased income
Major change in sleeping habits
Major change in usual and/or
amount of recreation
TOTAL STRESS POINTS
96 points
42
25
55
51
60
26
28
383
In this illustration case, this “typical” divorce easily racked up 383
points. That’s well over the 300 points considered to put you at risk of
stress-related illness! I share this not to scare you, but just to put into
perspective what a huge impact divorce can have and how important it
is for you to get the resources and the support you need to cope with
this upheaval. For some people who face threats to their physical
safety, this support might include help from lawyers, the courts and
the police.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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Being a parent is demanding enough, but when you add on the
complications and emotional roller coaster of getting divorced, life can
become a huge challenge.
So what is the best way to parent after divorce? Is there really a way
to thrive after divorce? I believe there is and that’s what I’m going to
share with you in this special report.
First, Why Should You Listen To Me?
If you are reading these words, there has been some kind of
relationship heartache that has brought you to finding this report. I
know what that’s like – I’ve been there myself.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I came to write this report and to
create my company, Thrive after Divorce.
I had been together with my husband for 20 years. We were high
school sweethearts, graduated from Harvard together and had 3
beautiful healthy children. To the outside world, we seemed like we
had the ideal life.
One night my husband and I went to a great romantic movie and
dinner together. He shared that he felt our marriage was in trouble
and that we didn’t have that passionate ‘zing’ he wanted in a
relationship. On a certain level, this was all news to me! I felt like my
chest was caught in a vise grip, my palms were clammy and I could
hardly breathe. As I watched my tears fall into my soup at the
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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restaurant, it felt like all of my dreams and aspirations for that happily
ever after fairy tale I thought I’d been living were crashing down.
Yet at another level, this conversation confirmed something that my
gut had been telling me for quite a long time. We had become
different people than we were 20 years earlier. We had grown apart;
we took each other for granted. We weren’t making our marriage a
priority. In my heart of hearts, I wasn’t sure that I had what it took to
put ‘Humpty Dumpty’ (our marriage), back together again.
Despite undertaking marriage counseling, therapy and a variety of
relationship workshops, in 2001 we decided to end the marriage and
get a divorce.
Telling our children that their parents were going to get a divorce was
the toughest thing I’ve ever experienced. I spent many sleepless
nights agonizing about the impact our divorce would have on them.
Would they ever be able to trust, love and create a healthy and loving
relationship of their own? Had I failed them as a mother?
At my core, I knew I had to find a way to not just limp through my
divorce experience as my children deserved better than that. I
resolved at an early stage that I would do whatever it took to heal my
heart so that I could be the best mom I could be to my three children.
What Issues Keep YOU Up at Night?
Single parents, especially in the early stages of separation, suffer from
a lot of guilt, remorse, and uncertainty. Hardly a week goes by when
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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there isn’t some tragic story in the media about adults having a
custody dispute and the children are being caught in the middle –
kidnapped, or worse.
Do you lose sleep at night worrying about issues such as:
• Is my divorce going to emotionally damage my children for life?
• How do I take care of my children when I’m feeling
overwhelmed, stressed out and my own heart is broken?
• How do I raise my children for the next few decades with
someone I’m no longer married to and might even despise?
• Will I ever be able to find my soul mate and how can I trust
myself to not make another relationship blunder?
I had a lot of these questions myself and so I went looking for
answers.
There’s a ton of information out there – on parenting, divorce, blended
families, finding the right lawyer, creating the right parenting plan or
separation agreement, attracting your soul mate, and on rebuilding
trust in the relationship you have. There’s a zillion books (I should
know – I seem to own half of them!). Yet there was something missing
in all this information for me.
As a single mom with three children and a business, I wanted
to ‘cut to the chase.’ I wanted to know what the secrets were to
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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navigating this journey of being a single mom successfully. I was sure
the tools were out there! In this special report, I’m going to share
with you 4 strategies that DO NOT work and the 4 secrets I’ve
discovered that WILL WORK to help you successfully parent after
divorce.
4 Strategies that DO NOT Work
Going through divorce is like going through a maze. Some paths going
forward will simply lead to a dead end. If you want to be the best
single parent you can be and move forward in your life, then here are
4 strategies many people take that DO NOT work!
Mistake #1
Let Other People Tell You What To Do
Getting divorced can pull the rug out from under your feet and leave
you feeling disoriented, even if you’re the one who decided to end the
marriage. Some people adopt the strategy of endlessly polling their
family and friends and following their advice. While you may get some
useful information or data points this way, other people are not YOU.
If you ask 5 people for their advice on what to do, you’ll likely get 5
different answers, which can simply add to your disorientation and lack
of clarity.
Don’t make the mistake of always being guided by other
people’s opinion. The world’s best expert on you is YOU. The
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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choices and decisions for how you want to create your life now that
you’re a single parent are yours alone.
Divorce issues can be hard to relate to unless you’ve been in those
shoes yourself. Sometimes people will use that opportunity to dump
all of their own frustrations on you and advise you to do things they
wished they’d done in their own relationships.
Mistake #2
“My lawyer will sort everything out”
When I got separated, I assumed that once I hired a lawyer everything
would get sorted out. My lawyer would figure out the best custody
arrangements, the best financial settlement, and the best way to
handle any disputes in the future.
While most lawyers are highly trained and ethical people, they get paid
by billing you by the hour, right? The legal system is inherently costly
and conflict-ridden. Every dollar you pay your lawyer is a dollar that
could have gone to supporting your children.
(If you are doing a collaborative law process, however, the lawyers
agree that they will work hard to get your case settled so it doesn’t
have to go to court. If they fail in that, they agree upfront that they
will not be able to represent you in any future court proceedings. To
learn more, Google the term “collaborative law” in your state or
province, and you’ll find links with lawyers using this method.)
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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I’ve spoken with family lawyers who feel that the system simply chews
people up and spits them out, leaving big bills and more angry toxic
emotions behind. The courts view you as a ‘case’, not as a
‘family’ unit. While you definitely require legal advice, your lawyer
can only act upon your direction. You need to be the quarterback
who’s prepared to call the plays.
Mistake #3
Use A “Scorched Earth” Policy Towards
Your Ex
In war time, fleeing troops would often burn the village in order to
deprive the advancing enemy of any possible remaining resources.
Sadly some parents make this same choice when getting divorced as
well.
Too often warring ‘ex-partners-to-be’ engage in their own scorched
earth policy, perhaps because they are feeling enraged at being
dumped or having to pay ongoing financial support to someone you’re
no longer married to.
This policy can include malicious gossiping and rumor-mongering,
reckless spending, deceitful behavior, and more. People who have the
“he’s going to pay!” attitude have a burning commitment to always be
right despite the financial and emotional costs.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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Unfortunately the casualties of this nasty campaign aren’t simply a few
burned out farmhouses or dead cattle. It’s our children, caught in the
crossfire, who are the victims of this tragic choice.
Mistake #4
“Don’t Worry About Me, I’ll be Okay”
Another misguided strategy that doesn’t work is to deny your own
emotional pain. Some single parents will put on a brave front and try
to keep a stiff upper lip, even if it feels like their whole world is falling
down around them. They assure themselves and those offering help
that “I’ll be just fine”.
Some single parents start to hyper-focus on their children. They pour
all of their energy, time and attention on the children, as a way to
avoid feeling and dealing with their own emotional turmoil. They
completely ignore their own personal and emotional needs as a result.
I call this syndrome “going for the martyr medal” and it’s one of the
pitfalls I identify in my award-winning book, “The 7 Pitfalls of Single
Parenting: What to Avoid So Your Children Thrive After Divorce.”
Like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand, it can feel safer and
less painful to live in a state of denial than recognize that your life is
undergoing a major change. You can foolishly hope that somehow,
everything will either “go away” or “get better” all on its own, but it
won’t. Ultimately this strategy doesn’t work for you or your children.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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The 4 Simple Secrets You MUST Know NOW
By now we should be really clear on what DOESN’T work. I didn’t have
a lot of role models in my life of people who’d done what I would call a
“good job” handling their divorce. I knew people who years later were
still warring with each other and I could see the damage inflicted on
their children. I definitely didn’t want my children caught in any cross-
fire between their parents.
My children weren’t getting the best “me” I could be as a mom.
They were getting a stressed out, brittle version of their mom
and I felt they deserved more. Albert Einstein once said, “You can’t
solve problems at the same level of thinking that created them”. I
decided to discover the strategies and mindset I would need to not
just “survive” my divorce, but to thrive after divorce.
So I scoured the bookstores and internet for helpful information on
divorce and parenting. I found a mountain of “information” but I was
surprised at how unhelpful most of it was for my purposes. I found a
lot of psycho-babble and dry, academic theory that never told me
“how to” apply it to my life in a practical sense. I found some books
written by some “real parents” but they were more a public diary,
airing their own emotional upheaval and didn’t offer any principles I
could draw upon for my own life.
What I wanted was practical, proven advice written by someone
who’d been in my position and come through this life-altering
experience thriving.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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I wanted a simple road map to get me through the challenges of single
parenting and I couldn’t find it. So I decided to figure it out on my
own…through lots of trial, error, sweat and tears!
I’ve boiled it all down to these 4 Secrets I’m about to share in this
special report. I believe they are the key to successful single
parenting.
Secret #1
Get the Big Picture
Think back for a moment to the time when you were in love with your
former partner. I know it might be hard especially if you’re angry at
your ex, but indulge me for a moment. There was a time when you
were happy. Do you remember your dreams of the life you would
create together? Do you remember taking that walk down the aisle in
front of your family and friends? Do you remember the hopes and
commitment you had when you decided to have children together?
Recall that rosy picture of your lives together, forever entwined in love
and partnership. Take a deep breath right now and let that vision
become clear for you. Notice any feelings and sensations in your body
as you connect to that picture.
Cut from that image to you in your life today. Separated. Divorced.
Possibly feeling overwhelmed, angry or scared. One of these pictures
is definitely not like the other!
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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The biggest mistake most single parents make is not getting the big
picture. This is one of the 7 pitfalls I identify in my award-winning
book “The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What To Avoid So Your
Children Thrive After Divorce”.
The “happily ever after” vision you held at the beginning of
your relationship must be replaced by a new vision. Your brain
uses images as its guidance system. Did you know that your brain is
exposed to millions and millions of bits of information each day? Your
reticular activating system sorts out what bits are important to you
and what is not. When you hold on to a vision of a “happily ever after”
with your ex-spouse and you’re divorced, you experience a sense of
suffering and lack because your life doesn’t quite mesh with the visual
goal you hold in your consciousness.
Without having a big picture in mind, you’re not clear where you’re
going. You end up reacting to every little challenge and never feel a
sense of progress or satisfaction. You may feel like you’re always
putting out brushfires. So if you want to get out of reacting to every
situation and start creating a life that works for you, it’s vital you
create a new vision.
To get started, ask yourself the following questions:
• What kind of relationship do I want to have with my children
now... in 10 years... in 20 years?
• Imagine it’s the graduation or wedding of your child.
o How are you relating to your children?
o How are you relating to your ex-partner?
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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o How do you want to feel about yourself and the family life
you’ve created?
Secret #2
Put Your Oxygen Mask on First
Think about the safety announcements you hear in airplanes, advising
adults to put the oxygen masks on themselves first and then assist
their children. (I was on a flight recently where the flight attendant
advised us to assist “children, or any other people you’re with that are
acting like children”). If you’ve passed out from lack of oxygen at
30,000 feet, what good can you do for your children in that state? The
same principle applies in divorce – you must be aware of your own
needs and take responsibility for taking care of yourself first.
Remember mistake #4? Some single parents take on the martyr role
as they navigate the new waters of their life. “Yes, my life is tough
right now but I’ll just soldier on, even if I’m miserable and not getting
enough sleep.” The most important gift you MUST give yourself is
self-care.
Self-care may seem like a total theoretical luxury. After all, who’s got
the time to do this when you’re dealing with a maelstrom of issues
that demand your attention as a newly divorced parent? Why, there
are the kids, handling the ex, the finances, the lawyers, setting up
mom’s house and dad’s house, handling the family repercussions of
your split, the impact of your divorce on your friends and social
network and so on. It can feel like there’s no time to breathe, let
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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alone deal with any anger or grief you’re feeling due to ending a major
relationship.
Nevertheless, you must take care of yourself and refuel your
batteries. Be willing to ask for help. Delegate to others any chores
that you can. Make sure you surround yourself with supportive people.
Distance yourself from people who drain your energy.
Otherwise, what’s the message you’re sending to your child?
That it’s okay to run yourself ragged while taking care of others? That
you should always put the interests and needs of others before your
own? I’m sure that’s not what you want your game plan to be. If it
sounds selfish to take care of yourself, that’s because it is! The word
“selfish” means to “take care of oneself” – and what’s so wrong with
that? If you’re not willing to respect, love and take care of yourself,
who will?
To get you started with your process of self-care, answer the
following questions:
• Create a list of your “Top 10 Resources” for yourself – these are
people you can call upon to help you. Your list can include
friends, babysitters, a reliable plumber, your favorite massage
therapist, to name a few examples. Keep this list handy!
• What are 3 items (it could be a task, a relationship), do you
have on your plate right now that drains your energy? For each
one, list one simple thing you could take action on this week to
either delegate, defer or drop this item from your agenda.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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Secret #3
Unplug from Your Ex
You may no longer be married to your spouse, but you will always be
parents to your children. There was a time in your life when you loved
each other enough to bring a child into the world. A secret to
successful parenting after divorce is to build a relationship with your
ex that won’t drive you crazy! You want to have a relationship with
your ex that helps your kids, not hurt them.
Keep your children’s best interests in mind. Before you say or react,
take a moment to ask yourself “what would serve my children’s best
right now?” Too often divorced parents react out of their own personal
pain and pollute their relationship with their kids with toxic emotions,
sarcastic comments or judgmental opinions. Your children deserve
better than that.
So how do you not let your ex drive you crazy? Simple: what your
ex thinks of you is none of your business. Notice what thoughts
come up for you as you read that sentence. Perhaps you heard: “Yes,
but he really WAS a jerk!” or “But my ex badmouths me to my friends
so I have to set the record straight!” Take a deep breath and let those
negative feelings go. I guarantee you; those 11 simple words can
unlock a whole new level of freedom and happiness for you.
While it may sound tough to do, make that your mantra. When you
let your own self-esteem and emotional health in any way
hinge on someone else’s opinions, particularly those of your
ex-partner, you put yourself on a very rocky road. It’s a sure-fire
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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way to give away your power and avoid taking responsibility for the
life you are creating for yourself and your children.
Another way that we let our internal power erode is through gossiping
or bad-mouthing your ex. Think of those sarcastic comments and
secrets you share with others as energy you put out into the world.
It’s a negative force that continues to bind you and your ex together in
an unhealthy way.
Okay, I admit it; there are moments when it can feel good to have a
gripe session and to let off some steam. Please make it the exception,
not the rule. If you really need to vent, choose someone you can really
trust and keep it brief.
Think of your children as well. They are highly intuitive and pick up on
your negative vibes without you even opening your mouth. Remember
– what goes around comes around.
To put this secret into action, write out your mantra “What my ex
thinks of me is none of my business”. Keep it in your purse or in your
journal to keep it uppermost in your mind.
Secret #4
Use the T.H.R.I.V.E. Principles
It’s been many years now that I first separated from the father of my
three children. It’s been an incredible journey with lots of heartache,
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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self-doubt, self-reflection and heart-opening transformation along the
way.
I’ve thrown myself into an intensive program of studying with some of
the world’s most accomplished personal development leaders. I’ve
read the works of countless authors and attended numerous programs
to discover the secret formula that would allow my children and me to
thrive after divorce. As a result, the relationship I now enjoy with my
children is more loving, more emotionally honest and joyful than I ever
could have imagined.
I’ve boiled it down to what I call the THRIVE Principles ™. These
principles will help you to tackle any family challenge and win, every
time. If you build your parenting foundation on these powerful
principles, you are setting your family up for love, connection and
success. If you adopt these principles, you will be learning some of the
powerful lessons you can teach your children, often without even
saying a word!
The THRIVE Principles ™ have been fundamental to weathering
any personal or professional challenge I’ve encountered. They
are:
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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Let’s review each principle.
T - Trust
The first secret is to TRUST. Trust that you are made of the right
stuff. You have every internal resource or skill that’s needed to help
you find your way through a problem. It’s just a matter of learning
how to access your own incredible talents.
When a major relationship or marriage breaks up, it’s very easy to be
hard on yourself. “How did I let myself get into this!” or “There must
be something wrong with me that my marriage failed” or “How can I
trust myself in the future if I failed in this marriage?”
One principle that will serve you through good times and bad in your
life is to trust yourself. Remember, you are the world’s best expert on
The T.H.R.I.V.E Principles
Trust Honesty Responsibility Integrity Vision Expression
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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YOU! Trust that you will make mistakes and that you can benefit from
them. Mistakes and a willingness to learn from them will unlock pure
miracles in your life. You will learn more about who you really are and
what you are truly capable of when you create feelings of trust within
yourself that you can handle any situation and have an openness to
grow from your mistakes.
When in doubt, simply take a deep breath and check in with your
intuition. Listen and learn to trust where your heart wants to lead you.
Here are some great mantras or affirmations you can use:
“I trust that I can handle any situation I face.”
“I trust I will use any pain or fear to my highest interest.”
H – Honesty
It’s so important to learn to be HONEST with yourself and with others.
Without honesty, there can be no authenticity. When you can be real
with yourself and with others, they can be real with you.
If you need help, be honest and ask for what you need. If you want to
say no, be honest and decline. Often we say “yes” to a request just to
be polite or “do the right thing”, but then we carry out the task with
resentment and procrastination! Honesty is critical for business and
personal partnerships of all kinds. Satisfying, successful long-term
relationships are built upon a foundation of honesty, not pretence.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
21
R - Responsibility
The third THRIVE Principle is RESPONSIBILITY. Many great spiritual
teachers tell you to be 100% responsible for your current reality.
Taking 100% responsibility puts you in the driver’s seat of your life.
If you don’t practice taking responsibility you end up as the perpetual
back-seat driver – always knowing better after the fact. You get to
play the powerless victim, spending time and energy blaming others
and making excuses for why you don’t get what you say you want in
life. When you harness the power of responsibility, you can affect
change and take action to accomplish your goals.
Does that mean you’re responsible for everything? No! You need to
differentiate between the things you’re responsible for from the things
that you’re not. You are responsible for your thoughts, words and
actions. Women seem particularly skilled at taking responsibility for
the feelings and actions of others, while ignoring their responsibility for
their own happiness and health.
Before I truly understood the principle of responsibility, I was a great
believer in being compassionate with other people by worrying about
them. I ended up ignoring my own needs to the point where I let
myself to become a ‘doormat’ in personal and business relationships.
Responsibility helps you set clear and healthy boundaries.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
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I – Integrity
One of the most fundamental THRIVE Principles ™ is INTEGRITY.
Your word is incredibly powerful and sets the Universe in motion to
align with your word. It’s vital that you do what you say and say what
you do.
If you’re not willing to do something, declare that fact. Living in full
integrity helps you to live “in the zone” where you’ll find it effortless
and magical to accomplish your goals.
Do you like to be with people who break promises to you? Well, that’s
what we do to ourselves when we compromise our integrity. When
you’re not practicing integrity, a part of your vital life force gets
diverted and you drop out of the “zone” where things come to you
effortlessly. As you expand your horizons, you have to keep raising
the bar of your integrity. Make sure you surround yourself with people
who have strong integrity as well to create successful, lasting
relationships.
As a parent, I want my children to have integrity and to know the
importance of honoring their word. The best tool we have to instruct
them is to be living in integrity ourselves. For example, telling your
children that bad language is not acceptable and then using it yourself
is being out of integrity. Asking your children to respect others and
then they see you gossip about others or not take proper care of
yourself is another example where you would be out of integrity.
Integrity is a powerful lesson for our children and it’s one that we
teach more effectively when we model it for them.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
23
V – Vision
Whether you’re creating a business, a relationship, a trim body or a
new hobby, you must take the time to create an inspiring VISION for
yourself. Without a vision, you don’t have the big picture. Multi-
tasking, information overload, overcrowded schedules and a high level
of stress characterize life in the 21st century. It’s easy to get caught up
in battling daily brush fires, never feeling like you can get ahead.
Winston Churchill once said, “Never mistake the edge of your rut for
the horizon.” Articulating a vision defines your true horizon. Your
vision should empower you and light you up from the inside. Holding a
vision pulls you through the day-to-day challenges and keeps you in
action towards your goals. Creating a successful business will take
every ounce of energy, creativity and commitment that you have, so
having a vision is absolutely critical.
I find it especially powerful to think of the people who will be served
by my vision. There are tens of millions of divorced individuals in North
America, with over 1 million children a year affected by divorce. I hold
a vision that my Thrive After Divorce business will support those
people and help inspire them to live happy, successful lives.
Connecting to my vision of people thriving after divorce fuels me and
keeps me going, even when my day-to-day going gets tough.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
24
E – Expression
The final THRIVE Principle is EXPRESSION. Human beings have a
huge spectrum of emotional expression. There’s rage, sadness and
fear at one end, and ecstasy and love at the other. It’s living in our
fullest expression of ourselves that we can feel fully alive.
I realize now that one of the greatest gifts of my divorce has
been to live a more fully expressed life. Growing up I was very
uncomfortable with anger so I did everything I could to never feel that
way. I would avoid conflict at all costs or try to please other people.
But as I capped my risk of feeling those strong negative emotions, I
also limited my ability to fully feel the joyous positive emotions that
live at the other end of the spectrum.
It’s been said that emotion is simply energy in motion. Bottling up
your emotions is like putting psychic sludge into your system.
Eventually you either shut down or you get backed up and explode.
Expressing all of how I’m feeling is the best strategy I know for living
life full out and in the moment. You’ll want to bring that energy and
joy of life with you as you parent your children. That kind of vibrancy
is infectious! Plus, it makes life’s journey a lot more fun!
Put the THRIVE Principles ™ into action this week by writing them out
and posting them where you’ll see them often – by your computer, in
the kitchen or on your bedroom mirror. See if you can build the
muscle of consciously choosing to use the THRIVE Principles ™, rather
than fall back on any old patterns of feeling like a powerless victim.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
25
What’s Your Next Step?
I’ve shared many of the tools I’ve used to create my personal success
as a single parent with you in this special report. I work with these
tools and insights every day to create a life that’s taken me to places I
never thought possible for myself. These secrets have helped me to
create a relationship with my three children that feels like a blessing to
me each and every day.
So the question for you to consider is: Are you willing to put
some of these tools into action?
Each of us is here because we have a unique talent or gift we bring to
the world. Life is full of adversity and unexpected challenges along the
way. Use the THRIVE Principles ™ as the foundation for playing full out
and delivering what you have to offer with passion, joy and ease!
Some Further Resources for You
If you want even more tools and information about how to be the best
single parent you can be, I’ve written an award-winning book called
“The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid So Your Children
Thrive After Divorce”. My award-winning Divorce Resource Kit is a
home learning system, that takes all the guesswork out of designing
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
26
your life after divorce, saving you years of struggle and potentially
thousands of dollars in the process.
You can learn more about the resources and services I offer at
www.ThriveafterDivorce.com
For ongoing practical tips, strategies and resources, I publish the bi-
weekly Thrive Guide ezine. The articles and resources off inspiration
for people who are ready to transform challenge into opportunity, and
includes articles about mindset, parenting, communication, divorce,
goal-setting and much more. Plus, I also answer reader questions
about separation and divorce in each issue. To subscribe, please visit
www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com. (You may, of course, cancel your
subscription at any time.)
I also host and produce an award-winning podcast, called The Divorce
101 Show. Each episode is designed to give you more winning
strategies for how to thrive after divorce in a way that’s to-the-point,
down-to-earth and practical. You can listen to it at
www.Divorce101Show.com.
A Final Word
The ultimate decision lies with you to put these tools into action. The 4
secrets are simple and practical, so please start using them in your life
RIGHT NOW to help you and your children THRIVE after divorce. I’ve
offered some easy action steps you can take to start implementing
them right away.
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
27
I support you 100% to make the choice each and every day: Thrive
after divorce. Do it for yourself. Do it for your children. You deserve to
THRIVE!
Carolyn Ellis
Founder, Thrive After Divorce
PS – What are YOUR most pressing questions that you have about
being a single parent? To ask me a question, please email me at
info@ThriveAfterDivorce.com
PPS – If you’ve found this information useful or helpful to you, I would
love to hear your feedback. Please feel free to email us at
info@ThriveAfterDivorce.com
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
28
About Carolyn B. Ellis
Carolyn B. Ellis is a Success Strategist and Founder of
ThriveAfterDIvorce.com. Her company offers training and educational
products and services to separated and divorced individuals to thrive
after divorce. She is the award-winning, best-selling author of “The 7
Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What To Avoid To Help Your Children
Thrive After Divorce” and the publisher of the award-winning Divorce
Resource Kit. The creator of the THRIVE Principles ™, Carolyn also
publishes a bi-monthly ezine called, The Thrive Guide, which offers
success strategies and principles for people desiring to transform
challenge into opportunity for amazing new possibilities. A single
mother of three amazing teenagers children based in Toronto, Canada,
Carolyn is a woman who ‘walks’ her talk. She is passionate about
empowering others to fearlessly create and reach their highest
potential.
Carolyn holds a Masters degree from Harvard University. Her coaching
and professional credentials include being a the first Canadian to be
certified as a Spiritual Divorce Coach, a Master Integrative Coach and
TeleClass Leader, a Certified Money, Marketing & Soul Coach, True
Purpose Coach, Voice Dialogue facilitator and an advanced PSYCH-K
The 4 Simple Secrets to Successful Parenting After Divorce
© 2006-10 Carolyn B. Ellis www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com
29
Facilitator. She is also the founder of BrillianceMastery.com, a program
that helps women entrepreneurs own their brilliance so the mission of
their business can be communicated clearly, powerfully and profitably.
Carolyn currently serves as Director of Advanced Programs and
Communications for world-renowned transformational teacher and
award-winning author, Dr. Barbara De Angelis.
For fun, Carolyn loves volleyball, hot yoga, musical theater and
reading. She is also a reformed Trekkie and is a huge dog lover. Of all
of her many teachers and mentors, Carolyn believes her three children
are her greatest and most wise teachers who have guided her along
her path.
THRIVE AFTER DIVORCE, INC.
660 Eglinton Ave East, Suite 149 – Level 119
Toronto ON M4G 2K2
Canada
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