the gentle art of verbal self defense working with difficult people and improving communication...

The Gentle Art of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Verbal Self DefenseDefense

Working with Difficult PeopleWorking with Difficult People

AndAnd

Improving Communication Improving Communication SkillsSkills

Communication SkillsCommunication Skills

Skill learned in this class are the same Skill learned in this class are the same skills and techniques used in different skills and techniques used in different areas with different goalsareas with different goals

““The most important single The most important single ingredient in the formula of ingredient in the formula of SUCCESS is the knack of SUCCESS is the knack of getting along with people.”getting along with people.”

‘ ‘ Theodore RooseveltTheodore Roosevelt

ScopeScope

Book: The Gentle Art of Verbal Book: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-defenseSelf-defense

The audio book located on O:\The audio book located on O:\library\audio books\library\audio books\

We are only going to cover a few We are only going to cover a few topics there are more in the book topics there are more in the book and from other resourcesand from other resources

Format of PresentationFormat of Presentation

Present some concepts / ideasPresent some concepts / ideas ““Brainstorm” some real-life work Brainstorm” some real-life work

experiences from the audienceexperiences from the audience Open discussion / questionsOpen discussion / questions

People who can be difficult to People who can be difficult to communicate withcommunicate with

ClientsClients Finance DirectorsFinance Directors Accounting StaffAccounting Staff Council/Board Council/Board

MembersMembers Co-workersCo-workers

SuperiorsSuperiors SubordinatesSubordinates Peers / teammatesPeers / teammates

Why are People Difficult?Why are People Difficult?

People feel:People feel:

Rushed – don’t have enough timeRushed – don’t have enough time InsecureInsecure AngryAngry NervousNervous IllIll

STRESSED!!!!!STRESSED!!!!!

A Difficult Person Can A Difficult Person Can Be….Be….

Hostile-AggressiveHostile-Aggressive Know-It AllKnow-It All Yes-PersonYes-Person WhinerWhiner Never-Say-A-WordNever-Say-A-Word Indecisive StallerIndecisive Staller

Hostile-Aggressive - typeHostile-Aggressive - type

Signs:Signs: Bullies their way toward the results Bullies their way toward the results

they want.they want. Belittles you in front of anyone.Belittles you in front of anyone. Tries to convince you that you are Tries to convince you that you are

doing a poor job when you are doing doing a poor job when you are doing great.great.

Hostile-AggressiveHostile-Aggressive

Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Try to get them to sit down.Try to get them to sit down. Don’t back down. Let them vent. Don’t back down. Let them vent.

Don’t take it personally. Step away Don’t take it personally. Step away from the emotion.from the emotion.

Identify their issue.Identify their issue. Explain benefits of your point of view. Explain benefits of your point of view.

Express your side in factual terms.Express your side in factual terms. Allow aggressor to “save face.”Allow aggressor to “save face.”

The Know-It-All - typeThe Know-It-All - type

Signs:Signs: Controls people and events by Controls people and events by

dominating conversations with dominating conversations with lengthy, imperious arguments.lengthy, imperious arguments.

Tries to find flaws in everything.Tries to find flaws in everything.

The Know-It-AllThe Know-It-All

Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Know your facts. Be prepared.Know your facts. Be prepared. Listen carefully and paraphrase the Listen carefully and paraphrase the

main points.main points. Use questions to raise issues.Use questions to raise issues. If necessary, subordinate yourself to If necessary, subordinate yourself to

avoid static and commit yourself to avoid static and commit yourself to building a more equal relationship in building a more equal relationship in the future.the future.

The Yes-Person - typeThe Yes-Person - type

Signs:Signs: Answers “Yes” to every request Answers “Yes” to every request

without thinking about what is being without thinking about what is being promised.promised.

Seeks approval and avoids Seeks approval and avoids disapproval.disapproval.

And even if all the promises can be And even if all the promises can be kept, the Yes-Person no longer has a kept, the Yes-Person no longer has a life!life!

The Yes-PersonThe Yes-Person

Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Work to get the underlying issues.Work to get the underlying issues. Tell how much you value them as Tell how much you value them as

people.people. Give them permission to say “No.”Give them permission to say “No.” Listen to their humor – hidden Listen to their humor – hidden

messages?messages?

The Whiner - typeThe Whiner - type

Signs:Signs: Avoids taking responsibility.Avoids taking responsibility. Wants sympathy.Wants sympathy. Has negative view of the world.Has negative view of the world. It’s important for these people to get It’s important for these people to get

their opinions across. If you ignore their opinions across. If you ignore them, they increase their protests.them, they increase their protests.

The WhinerThe Whiner

Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Don’t respond if they are blaming you. Don’t respond if they are blaming you.

Don’t sympathize if they are at fault.Don’t sympathize if they are at fault. Make a list of all complaints from Make a list of all complaints from

constant complainers before you discuss constant complainers before you discuss problem.problem.

Make sure the facts are correct.Make sure the facts are correct. Make the Whiner propose solutions on Make the Whiner propose solutions on

how they can fix the problem.how they can fix the problem.

The Never-Say-A-Word - The Never-Say-A-Word - typetype

Signs:Signs: Timid, uncomfortable and uncertain.Timid, uncomfortable and uncertain. Wants to avoid conflict or hurting Wants to avoid conflict or hurting

anyone.anyone. Often feels angry because “the wrong Often feels angry because “the wrong

decision was made.”decision was made.” Some can’t relate authentically or Some can’t relate authentically or

speak honestly.speak honestly.

The Never-Say-A-WordThe Never-Say-A-Word

Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Try to draw them out about topics that Try to draw them out about topics that

are non-threatening.are non-threatening. Ask open-ended questions.Ask open-ended questions. Wait for a response – calmly.Wait for a response – calmly.

(Don’t fill the silence with your (Don’t fill the silence with your chatter.)chatter.)

If you get no response, comment on If you get no response, comment on what’s happening.what’s happening.

The Indecisive Staller - The Indecisive Staller - typetype

Signs:Signs: Could be an overwhelmed “Yes-Could be an overwhelmed “Yes-

Person.”Person.” Could be a procrastinator.Could be a procrastinator. Doesn’t organize or prioritize work.Doesn’t organize or prioritize work.

The Indecisive StallerThe Indecisive Staller

Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Help document their goals and Help document their goals and

deadlines.deadlines. Listen for indirect words, hesitations.Listen for indirect words, hesitations. Ask them how you can help them Ask them how you can help them

achieve their goals.achieve their goals. Follow up on intermediate deadlines. Follow up on intermediate deadlines.

Hold them to the deadlines.Hold them to the deadlines. Make it easy for them to tell you what Make it easy for them to tell you what

is preventing their action.is preventing their action.

Two Types of Verbal Two Types of Verbal AbuseAbuse

Open AttackOpen Attack ShoutingShouting InsultingInsulting Blaming / Blaming /

AccusatoryAccusatory

Verbal Attack Verbal Attack PatternsPatterns BaitBait PresuppositionPresupposition

Your ReactionYour Reaction

Maslow’s Stimulus - ResponseMaslow’s Stimulus - Response

Reaction - ChoiceReaction - Choice

Between stimulus and response there is Between stimulus and response there is choicechoice

““Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”how you react to it”

The choice we make can either de-escalate The choice we make can either de-escalate or escalate the issue or the problemor escalate the issue or the problem

How to React to ConflictHow to React to Conflict

Do not take their words or Do not take their words or behaviors PERSONALLY.behaviors PERSONALLY.

Monitor yourself.Monitor yourself. Think before you react or speak.Think before you react or speak. Choose words carefully.Choose words carefully. Choose your battles.Choose your battles.

How to React to ConflictHow to React to Conflict

Ignore the bait.Ignore the bait. Respond directly to the attack Respond directly to the attack

(hidden or apparent).(hidden or apparent). Transmit this message: “Don’t try Transmit this message: “Don’t try

that with me – I won’t play that that with me – I won’t play that game.game.

PerspectivePerspective

Look at the lens you look at the Look at the lens you look at the problem through; communication is problem through; communication is bi-directionalbi-directional Speaker has an image (perspective)Speaker has an image (perspective) Listener has an image (perspective)Listener has an image (perspective)

UnderstandingUnderstanding

First work to understand then to be First work to understand then to be understoodunderstood

Be clear about what is to be done.Be clear about what is to be done. Be clear about who is to do it.Be clear about who is to do it.

Win/WinWin/Win Frame of mind and heart that constantly Frame of mind and heart that constantly

seeks mutual benefit in all human seeks mutual benefit in all human interactionsinteractions

Agreements are mutually beneficialAgreements are mutually beneficial All parties are in agreement and can take All parties are in agreement and can take

actionaction Sees life as cooperative not competitiveSees life as cooperative not competitive Success is not achieved at the expense or Success is not achieved at the expense or

exclusion of othersexclusion of others Belief in the Third Alternative (a better way)Belief in the Third Alternative (a better way)

REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!

You never have to deal with conflict You never have to deal with conflict alone.alone.

It is alright to vent.It is alright to vent. Talk to someone if you feel Talk to someone if you feel

overwhelmed by the conflict.overwhelmed by the conflict. Don’t be afraid to ask for input or Don’t be afraid to ask for input or

assistance.assistance. Start with your circle of influence - Start with your circle of influence -

youyou

OPEN DISUSSIONOPEN DISUSSION

Real-life examplesReal-life examplesQuestionsQuestions