An excerpt from

“SUSPENDERS”

By Nina Davis Presented by Longmont Theatre Company, May 23-June 1, 2008

CHARACTERS: Nadine Goodale—age-70s, lead, drives the play. Strong, handsome, well-traveled, optimistic, somewhat mysterious. Uses motorized wheelchair. Tom Brand—age-70s, lead, retired investigative reporter, now an author. Intelligent, observant, nice sense of humor. Alice Beal—age-70s, second lead. Widow, cheerful, sweet, good-natured busybody. Lou Carrozza—age-70s, second lead. Cheerful, fun, soft-shoes a little, wears suspenders. Daisy Demay—age 90. Gentle, but confused. Walks with a cane. Lots of funny one-liners. Bob Krause—age 80s, grouchy and sarcastic with underlying heart and sharp mind. Fought in Luzon, loves one thing—his dog. Bernie Kurtz—age-80s, married to Mimi. New York accent, loves puzzles and games. Nice guy. His actions reveal the climax of the play. Mimi Kurtz—age- 80s, married to Bernie. New York accent, misses New York, sharp dresser, plays mahjong. Marge Butler—age 80s, strong NY accent. Liked the NY scene. Bridge player, elegant dresser. Shirley—age 70s, goes with the flow, mahjong player. Betty—age 80s, mahjong player. Dottie—age 80s, uses one cane, mahjong player. Velma—age 85, biting personality, brandishes cane frequently, bridge player. Alma—age-80s, bridge player, hard-of-hearing, uses cane. Edith—age 70s, bridge player. Sarah—age around 24, nurse’s aide. Tired, single mom. Curious, hard-working. Jessie—age 14, Bernie and Mimi’s granddaughter. Sullen teenager with curiosity. Her actions bring about the resolution of the play. Waiter—any age. One scene. Dog Owner—age 30-45, one scene, business person. Girl on swing—age 14-16, one scene, dances in silhouette.

ACT II Scene I

The residents of an assisted living residence are on an outing to a restaurant.

ALICE: Oh, isn't this delightful? How long has it been since you've gone out to eat? LOU: Too long. ALMA: I'm so tired of the food at the Manor. I've been looking forward to this all week! SHIRLEY: What a grand idea! EDITH: This beats the weekly trip to the grocery store. None of us cook, anyway. BETTY: Speak for yourself. I make myself dry cereal every morning. EDITH: That’s not cooking! BETTY: I have to cut up the fruit. That’s cooking, in my book. EDITH: Then you have a poor book. BETTY: What are you talking about? I gave away all my cookbooks. (Edith stares at her without comprehension.) ALMA: I think we should do this every week. DOTTIE: You think the Manor will treat us to lunch every week? They’re pretty stingy. VELMA: Why would they treat us? They didn’t treat us today. I heard we have a secret benefactor. MARGE: Really? Who? VELMA: If I knew, it wouldn’t be secret. But they’re paying for the whole shebang! Maybe Sarah knows! Sarah? SARAH: I can’t say. TOM: Hmmm. Interesting choice of words. ALMA: What a menu! I've ordered pastrami. That's something we don't ever get! SHIRLEY: I’m getting fried shrimp.

LOU: I’m getting a dark green salad with NO iceberg lettuce. I’m sick of that tasteless stuff. Have you noticed that every senior menu has iceberg lettuce instead of mixed greens? Why is that? BERNIE: Probably for the same reason they think we want gravy on everything. Thick, pasty white gravy or thick, pasty brown gravy. Hmmmm. Just smell that! (To Mimi.) Reminds me of your cooking. You were a great cook. MIMI: I still am. I just don’t do it any more. I gave away my pots and pans. BERNIE: I loved your chicken soup. MIMI: You never told me. BERNIE: You must have known. MIMI: Why didn’t you ever tell me? BERNIE: Because you knew. MIMI: (To Alice.) How do you live with that? LOU: It smells like fresh baked bread. ALICE: I think it’s the pie. Is it peach, do you think? SHIRLEY: It smells like pecan. I have my heart set on pecan pie. With real whipped cream. SARAH: Mind your diabetes. SHIRLEY: Oh, phooey. LOU: I'm getting steak and onions with my dark green salad. (To Dottie.) Won’t it be nice to have something to chew for a change? All we get is mushy food. DOTTIE: I can only eat mushy food! VELMA: (Points at Dottie with her cane.) That's because you have bad teeth! BOB: She doesn't have any teeth!

ALMA: None of us have any teeth. LOU: I have my teeth. ALICE: (To Lou.) Oh, my. Do you really have your own teeth? LOU: Sure do, Alice! I have at least 6 of them! ALICE: Oh, you silly man! (Lou leans over and gives her a kiss.) DOTTIE: You know, it took me all these years to figure out that I might as well enjoy life – it’s the only one I expect to get. EDITH: I expect to have several. (Bob scowls and shakes his head.) TOM: I’ve ordered the cheese and fruit platter. Yarlsburg, Fontina, Grooyar.. MIMI: Gruyere! TOM: …Brie, Camembert, Havarti, maybe some Roquefort. Anything but American cheese! And anything but canned fruit! (While the waitress delivers dishes, musicians play "We're Friends.") ALICE: As someone once said, “Good bread, good meat. BOB: Shut up! Let’s eat!” TOM: Amen. (People begin eating; dishes and silverware clanking.) ALICE: What was I thinking? Maybe I should have ordered chicken instead of fish. BETTY: (Points to someone else's plate.) Why didn't I think about ordering Mexican food? A little spice would have been nice for a change. (Begins to tap her spoon on the table.) EDITH: Can I try some of your shrimp? You can have one of my sausages.

MARGE: Oh, these are WONDERFUL! But the fries aren’t as good as we used to get at Coney Island. BERNIE: Those were the days. Summer in Coney Island! MIMI: Remember cotton candy? LOU: I think they're really good. MARGE: What? (To Betty.) Stop that infernal tapping! (Betty drops her spoon and stares at her plate. Marge shakes her head in frustration.) LOU: The fries. They’re really good. TOM: Just look at this wonderful cheese plate! MIMI: You’ll get constipated. TOM: It’s worth it. MIMI: Prunes. You should eat prunes. MARGE: Or take Metamucil. MIMI: Prunes work better. MARGE: My brother-in-law swears by Metamucil. And he should know. He’s had his colon removed. MIMI: My point, exactly. Prunes. BERNIE: For goodness sakes, woman. He’s not constipated yet! MIMI: Well, he will be if he eats all that. BERNIE: Sorry, Tom. TOM: (Holds up his glass.) To constipation! BOB: I’ll drink the wine, but I’m not gonna toast constipation! BERNIE: Here’s to friends! (They all toast, mostly with water glasses.)

BERNIE: My, my, this tender salmon is simply delicious! DOTTIE: Then you ordered better than I did. This isn't soup, its stew! It's too thick! VELMA: (Stopping waitress with her cane.) Are you sure this is what I ordered? ALMA: What did you say? VELMA: I was talking to the waitress. ALMA: What? VELMA: The waitress. I was talking to the waitress. Where’s your hearing aid? ALMA: You say we haven’t paid? VELMA: Where is your hearing aid, Alma? ALMA: (Turns to Shirley.) I don’t know what she’s saying. Do we have to pay something? VELMA: No, we don’t have to pay anything! I’m trying to talk to the waitress! ALMA: (To Shirley.) Why is she shouting at me? SHIRLEY: (To Alma.) I never know what she’s talking about. VELMA: (Raps her cane on her table in frustration. Turns to Waitress.) I don’t think I ordered this. No, I’m sure I didn’t. (To Bob.) What are you looking at? BOB: You complain too loudly. And you complain too much! VELMA: (Holding her cane in the air.) I'm 87 years old. I've earned the right to complain! (SONG: “THE TERRIBLE TOOS/ONE UP BLUES” ) MAHJONG & BRIDGE PLAYERS: A BABY HAS THE TERRIBLE TWOS.

WE DO TOO, THE TERRIBLE TOOS.

SHIRLEY: IT’S TOO HOT!

ALICE: IT’S TOO COLD!

MARGE: THE COFFEE’S TOO SWEET!

TOM: THE FOOD IS TOO SALTY!

BETTY: THERE’S TOO MUCH TO EAT!

DOTTIE: THE TABLE’S TOO CLOSE!

EDITH: THE BATHROOM’S TOO FAR!

BOB: I’D HAVE A DRINK IF THEY ONLY HAD A BAR.

VELMA: IT’S TOO DARK!

ALMA: IT’S TOO BRIGHT. IT’S BLINDING ME.

ALICE: IT’S NICE ATMOSPHERE IN HERE, BUT I CAN’T SEE!

BERNIE: THE FOOD IS TOO EXPENSIVE,

MIMI: AND HE’S TOO CHEAP.

BERNIE: WELL, I WOULD BE MORE PLEASANT, BUT I’VE HAD TOO LITTLE SLEEP! BRIDGE & MAHJONG PLAYERS: IT’S TOO HOT! THE TERRIBLE TOO’S!

ALL: IT’S TOO HOT! IT’S TOO COLD, THE TERRIBLE TOOS.

IT’S TOO, TOO BAD FOR THE MES AND THE YOUS. WE TRY NOT TO COMPLAIN, WE TRY TO BE GOOD. BUT WE MATURE PEOPLE ARE SO MISUNDERSTOOD! IT’S TOO HOT! THE TERRIBLE TOOS.

WAITRESS: DO YOU GUYS WANT SOME DESSERT?

ALICE: YOU GUYS? ARE WE GUYS? I WISH THAT WAITRESS WOULD OPEN UP HER EYES.

VELMA: SHE’S EITHER TOO BOSSY, OR SHE’S TOO SWEET.

LOU: I SAID MY STEAK IS TOO RARE

AND I CAN’T CHEW THE MEAT.

BRIDGE & MAHJONG: IT’S TOO HOT!

THE TERRIBLE TOOS!

ALL: IT’S TOO HOT! IT’S TOO COLD! THE TERRIBLE TOOS. THEY CAN SNEAK UP ON YOU WHEN YOU’VE PAID YOUR DUES. YOU’RE PROBABLY TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND, BUT SOON ENOUGH YOU’LL KNOW FIRST HAND THE TERRIBLE TOOS, THE TERRIBLE TOOS.

VELMA: I WENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR. HE SAID I GOT OLD JOINTS. HE SAID, “JUST A LITTLE ARTHRITIS.” HE SURE DIDN’T SCORE POINTS WITH ME! UH-HUH. I GOT THE ARTHRITIS BLUES, DOWN INSIDE MY SHOES. DON’T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW IT! I GOT THE ARTHRITIS BLUES. TOM: I CAN ONE-UP YOU ON THAT. MY FEET ARE OH SO SWOLLEN. HURTS WORSE THAN YOURS, NO DOUBT. I CAN HARDLY MOVE THEM WITH THIS BAD CASE OF GOUT! I GOT THE GOUT AND ARTHRITIS BLUES. CHORUS: THE TERRIBLE TOOS! COME ON! TOM: DON’T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW IT, I GOT THE GOUTRITIS BLUES! ALICE: THAT’S NOTHING, DEARS. I HAD THE GOUT LAST YEAR. IT WAS A PIECE OF CAKE! OTHER WOMEN: SHE’S GOT THE BLUES, THE TERRIBLE TOOS! ALICE: MY BAD BACK MAKES MY

WHOLE BODY ACHE! OTHER WOMEN: SHE’S GOT THE BLUES, THE TERRIBLE TOOS! ALICE: EVERYTIME I MOVE IT, IT HURTS SO BAD! I JUST WANNA GROOVE IT, SO IT MAKES ME MAD! BRIDGE/MAHJONG: SHE’S GOT THE BLUES! THE TERRIBLE TOOS! MEN: WE GOT THE BLUES!

LOU: I GOT ME A HEMORRHOID DOWN WHERE IT DON’T BELONG. WOMEN: DON’T WANNA KNOW! NO! NO! NO! BOB: GO ON! LOU: WELL, DON’T KNOW IF I’LL MAKE IT BUT I’M TRYING TO BE STRONG. WOMEN: DON’T WANNA KNOW! DON’T WANNA KNOW! ALL: WE ALL GOT THE FINGERS TO PROVE IT. AND WE ALL GOT THE FEET. MEN: WE GOT BAD HIPS, WOMEN: BUT WE CAN STILL KEEP A BEAT! ALL: WE GOT THE ARTHRITIS BLUES. DOWN INSIDE OUR SHOES, WOMEN: THE TERRIBLE TOOS! ALL: DON’T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW IT! WE GOT THE ARTHRITIS BLUES!/WE GOT THE TERRIBLE TOOS! BOB: THE TERRIBLE TOOS! ALL: YEAH! LOU: MINE’S WORSE THAN YOURS. VELMA: MINE’S WAY WORSE. BELIEVE ME! SARAH: (Shouts.) Enough with the organ recital!

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Nina Davis, Book (303-823-5332)

Debi Stevenson, Music (303-823-9175) Suspenders Copyright 2008